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#126
May 30, 2025, 12:00 AM
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19 days left. And I’m nervous and scared. This leave has been partially nice with barely any drama between L and I. Almost no triggers. I’m not constantly reacting to her life. It also feels nice knowing that I did a lot of it on my own. I’m scared to jump back in. I know it will actually be gradual as she transitions back into work. But after 6 years with her, I know my tendency is to get very attached.
I’ve also been struggling with my depression and SI for two weeks now even though last week was a great week. There are so many things that could be contributing to it. And according to the treatment nurse, I should be noticing a difference by now. I’ll talk to their pdoc on Monday. It’s not like they can increase the dose or frequency. They have protocols. I don’t know what they’re going to do.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
 AnaWhitney, LonesomeTonight, Taylor27
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#127
Jun 01, 2025, 12:15 AM
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L,
Reading along and keeping you in my thoughts, M |
 ScarletPimpernel
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#128
Jun 02, 2025, 11:28 AM
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15 days left. The fear is rising. I think I almost feel more fear than excitement. And we might have had another misunderstanding.
Treatment: they want me to do another 4 weeks at twice a week. They also want me to do TMS at the same time. But the billing is so ****ed up that my insurance now thinks I met my deductible. I am really struggling. I still have a lot of stressors. But I feel alone and like I’m a burden to everyone for one reason or another and that I’m letting everyone down because I’m struggling. From doctors to family to T and L. L barely responded to a text where I describe why I’m struggling. T never responded to an email where I was trying to help her with billing. H fought with me for telling him I’m struggling. My family canceled lunch instead of switching the restaurant because they had nothing I could eat (no teeth). Pdoc wants to increase Lithium and I want off it. And treatment pdoc basically only said it sucks that the treatment isn’t working.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| East17, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail, Taylor27
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#129
Jun 02, 2025, 12:17 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, Scarlet.
I would hope that H could keep his feelings in check whilst trying to support you with yours. Hugs if wanted, Lost
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
| ScarletPimpernel
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#130
Jun 02, 2025, 12:46 PM
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Quote:
Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. Could you just stick with the one treatment now to be safe and do TMS later? And I can understand the fear about L. Do you know yet how often you'll be able to meet? Will you be able to meet in person? I'd talk to her about the fear. And so sorry your H and family are not being supportive. And that L didn't really give you support when you asked for it. I hope everything gets better for you. |
| ScarletPimpernel
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#131
Jun 03, 2025, 12:00 PM
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Thank you Lost and LT.
When I sent L my weekly update email, I told her that her lack of responses to my text and emails made me feel like I was a burden. She replied a long reply to the last two update emails. She reassured me that I’m not a burden. T finally responded yesterday too, but in her usual two sentence way. H has been better since the fight, but I’m also not sharing with him how much I’m struggling anymore. And my family chose a restaurant that I can eat at for this weekend. I have to do a ton of cleaning today, but I have no energy. We have our apartment inspection tomorrow. They’re just inspecting the plumbing and fire alarms, but they will be in every room, so I need to clean the whole place. My insurance is so stupid. Two weeks left until L comes back and they still haven’t made their decision. But according to the analyst, they did agree to pay for T until they decide. So they’re going to deny me the last two sessions which I’m not doing anyhow?
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| East17, LonesomeTonight, Taylor27
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#132
Yesterday, 05:51 PM
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13 more days. And I’m extremely upset at L. I had to go on her website for a min to look up a last name for a ROI so T could get help filling out billing. Afterwards, I looked around. I shouldn’t have. I found two things that really bothered and affected me. I’m not going to explain and get backlash for my feelings. I’m not in a place where I can handle criticism. But it hurt. I just emailed her. She can’t fix either of them. What’s done is done. But she hurt me in two of the most sensitive areas I have. 13 days before she comes back…
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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#133
Today, 10:01 AM
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Hugs if wanted, Scarlet.
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| ScarletPimpernel
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#134
Today, 02:07 PM
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Maybe I’m throwing a pity party for myself, but I’m not seeking anything here.
I really think I’m a bad person. I have way too high expectations of people (especially L). And I have failed myself and everyone in my life. Like my teeth. Supposedly, the average age to lose all your teeth is 74. Without teeth, my jaw will deteriorate. I won’t have a jaw left at 74! I see all these doctors who put me on meds, drugs, and treatments and still I struggle. Nothing seems to work. I feel like I’ve wasted everyone’s efforts including here and L’s. I’m not trying to be bad. But I have failed at this life. I thinking of just quitting everything. Live out my days and try my best to be a good wife, dog mom, and daughter. But seclude myself from the rest of the world so I don’t hurt or disappoint anyone else.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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#135
Today, 03:11 PM
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Scarlet,
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. When you've been so badly let down by people that you're 'supposed' to be able to depend on...it hurts. You've been through so much, and yet you're still fighting. I'm sorry that you have to fight, but the fact that you are still trying is admirable. Sending hugs, if wanted. Please keep posting if it's helping you - no matter what anyone else might think. Lost
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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