[cai23]

I hope that I can explain this so you can help me. After seeing my T for over 2 years I was finally able to trust him and finally tell him alot of trauma in my past. He is my safe person, the only person that makes me even think there is a slight chance I might ever be really truely happy someday. However, within the last month or so I have found that I just haven't been able to be as open with him as I have in the past. I feel like I'm building a wall around myself again, I don't understand why either. I have started writing him letters trying to express what I'm feeling inside, however even those don't come out right. Although the last one I wrote was at 4 a.m and I have been hypomanic so it probably really made no sense anyway.
I see him tomorrow and I'm really dreading it. The last few times I saw him I almost broke down and cried, I don't cry about my past with anyone but myself and I don't know if that is the reason. I just want to run out that door 10 minutes after I've gotten there. This is just making me so sad.
Cai

[Sannah]

Cai, if you talk about this with your T you will figure it out. Let us know how it goes?

[Mouse_]

If you think of therapy as a sprial event, then we hit times like this where we are able to talk and then suddenly we hit a sore place a place thats just that bit more deeper and we go back in ourselfs, and tend to just pick around the edges for a few weeks and then without knowing it we're able to walk right in to the centre of the nerve and it feels better, easier, not so triggering, we once again let the walls down.

[cai23]

Thanks Mouse,
I just feel like I am never going to find the end to this and lately it has been getting harder and harder for me to hold on. I have been doing so much better with my T and now this. Hopefully tomorow will go better and I will start to feel alittle better about things.
Cai

((((((((((((((((cai23))))))))))))))))))))

I think what Mouse said is true - sometimes we need to pull back in for a little bit, before we are able to push forward again...

When I feel myself rebuilding my walls, I always tell T. And we talk about it. I've also told him that I feel like there is a rope connecting my heart to his (yes, because I want to be sure to be The World's Most Vulnerable Client lol) and he will ask about the rope - is it still there? Is it thinner? Etc.

Usually talking about the need to rebuild the walls actually helps me to tear them down. T can help me see where that need is coming from, and he helps me, and then I don't need them so much anymore.

Therapy is hard, hard work. But it's worth it. Hang in there

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

If you think of therapy as a sprial event, then we hit times like this where we are able to talk and then suddenly we hit a sore place a place thats just that bit more deeper and we go back in ourselfs, and tend to just pick around the edges for a few weeks and then without knowing it we're able to walk right in to the centre of the nerve and it feels better, easier, not so triggering, we once again let the walls down.

thank you for this thread, and your comment. T told me this week that usually people hold back for a while, and then they get to a place where they can trust, and they open up - but in MY case (yikes I hate it when she says that), i am still, well she didn't say resisting, but it was like, not trusting. THis made me sad, because I thought I really thought I was doing my best to be very open. maybe my best just ain't much.

if it's ebb&flow, then maybe I can look for that to change (back to where i thought i was open). Right now I just don;t know what she wants. While she was telling me I said, "I'm sorry", but she didnt acknowledge it, just kept talking.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

in MY case (yikes I hate it when she says that), i am still, well she didn't say resisting, but it was like, not trusting. THis made me sad, because I thought I really thought I was doing my best to be very open. maybe my best just ain't much.

if it's ebb&flow, then maybe I can look for that to change (back to where i thought i was open). Right now I just don;t know what she wants. While she was telling me I said, "I'm sorry", but she didnt acknowledge it, just kept talking.

SAWE, this getting better stuff is a journey, it is gradual. You probably are opening up but you just started the journey and you have more to go? So you are sorry to your therapist about this? This is for you not her.........

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

SAWE, this getting better stuff is a journey, it is gradual. You probably are opening up but you just started the journey and you have more to go? So you are sorry to your therapist about this? This is for you not her.........

thank you Sannah. She asked me how my harp lessons are going (I started at the new year) and I said, well, she's very talented ,but she keeps telling me not to apologize so much." It was the biggest laugh I've had out of T so far.

[Sannah]

Do you understand why you apoligize so much?

[hangingon]

Lol sitting,

I am always apologizing to my T as well. I usually send her an email a day or two after my session. She always tells me that I dont have to send and apology or even a thanks. I apologize to people all the time and I couldn't tell you why.

Thats neat that you and your T shared a great laugh!
I'm still waiting for my sessions to flow

Cai23
Do you think that perhaps this wall you feel is actually being put up because you are beginning to trust him more, like it's the tip of the iceberg before you finally let loose and share more openly with him. It sounds like you may be approaching the place of feeling safe enough to cry with him. Sometimes letting that out in therapy is a huge relief.

Hangingon

[cai23]

I almost didn't go to therapy this morning, I drove by his office about 4 times before I finally pulled in. When I went into his office, we just started with the usual stuff. Then he brought up how he knows that talking about my feelings and trust are very hard for me, and that he is proud of how I've progressed lately with him. Then he said he could tell that something has changed, and what I needed him to do to help me get past it. He asked if it was because I was afraid to tell him something and I told him that I thought so. He asked in the kindest voice if I was ashamed of my feeling and I told him I was and OMG........I started bawling like a baby! I swore up and down I would never cry in front of him too. It didn't last very long, because 10 minutes later he said something that kind of pissed me off so then I went back into my pissed off mode.
So now I let more out, and I feel horrible. Now I have to walk around for almost 3 weeks trying to process all this and it just gets so overwhelming I don't know what to do most of the time. I hate feeling this way, it scares me and then I have to work so hard at keeping myself safe. Geez why does therapy have to so darn hard....................................
Cai

[hangingon]

Thats hard work Cai23...

I know what you mean about having to deal with all the feelings after, sometimes showing that vulnerable side sets you spiraling some, it will hopefully settle before long. I can remember that happening a few times. I don't like to cry in front of my T either, in fact with her it's only been small tears here and there, I try so dang hard not to.

It's perfectly ok that you cried in front of your T, it doesnt make him think any differently of you. Hang in there..

hangingon

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((cai23))))))))))))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you understand why you apoligize so much?

well Dr Sannah,

with my harp instructor I apologize because I make so many mistakes.

With T - I guess the same!!

[Luce]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

T told me this week that usually people hold back for a while, and then they get to a place where they can trust, and they open up - but in MY case (yikes I hate it when she says that), i am still, well she didn't say resisting, but it was like, not trusting. THis made me sad, because I thought I really thought I was doing my best to be very open. maybe my best just ain't much.

Sitting, I am like that in T too. I wonder if it is because everyone *starts* T from a different place on the old trusting spectrum. I guess most folk have, at some point in their lifetime, been able to trust at least a few others around them. They know what trust is and have experience of some people being trustworthy. I suppose for them, developing trust in the T relationship is simply a matter of getting to know the T and gradually revealing tidbits about themselves as they 'test the waters'.
I never developed trust with anyone. Ever. Learning to trust in therapy - even a tiny bit - takes me eons. For me, taking that leap to reveal anything even close to vulnerable material is like climbing a mountain in itself.
My T raised this issue with me last time I saw her and wants to discuss it next week. She sort of suggested that perhaps I do not feel comfortable with her and might be able to form a closer therapeutic relationship wth someone else. Funny thing is, from my perpsective I feel very comfortable with her (remembering that I'm judging that according to my frame of reference and (in)ability to trust others). I guess what I am viewing as the beginnings of feeling able to trust is experienced by her as still being given the cold shoulder!

Sorry for the waffle - point being: everyone starts from a different place on the trusting spectrum, and perhaps progress is largely determined by that starting point. Starting on the low end doesn't mean you'll never 'get there', but it may mean it could take a bit longer.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

with my harp instructor I apologize because I make so many mistakes.

With T - I guess the same!!

This still doesn't answer why!

[Sannah]

Cai, I am glad that you opened up in therapy! Does it feel better to be mad at him (safer)? Letting out the feelings is the only way to heal. I'm sorry that it feels bad.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Luce

Sitting, I am like that in T too. I wonder if it is because everyone *starts* T from a different place on the old trusting spectrum. I guess most folk have, at some point in their lifetime, been able to trust at least a few others around them. They know what trust is and have experience of some people being trustworthy. I suppose for them, developing trust in the T relationship is simply a matter of getting to know the T and gradually revealing tidbits about themselves as they 'test the waters'.
I never developed trust with anyone. Ever. Learning to trust in therapy - even a tiny bit - takes me eons. For me, taking that leap to reveal anything even close to vulnerable material is like climbing a mountain in itself.
My T raised this issue with me last time I saw her and wants to discuss it next week. She sort of suggested that perhaps I do not feel comfortable with her and might be able to form a closer therapeutic relationship wth someone else. Funny thing is, from my perpsective I feel very comfortable with her (remembering that I'm judging that according to my frame of reference and (in)ability to trust others). I guess what I am viewing as the beginnings of feeling able to trust is experienced by her as still being given the cold shoulder!

Sorry for the waffle - point being: everyone starts from a different place on the trusting spectrum, and perhaps progress is largely determined by that starting point. Starting on the low end doesn't mean you'll never 'get there', but it may mean it could take a bit longer.

How long have you been in therapy? I am a year and a few months, and I know I do not like revealing anything close to vulnerable material either! I had a dream over the weekend that there was this little 8 year old boy (me, probably even though i'm not 8 or a boy!) who was sitting in the back of the classroom. The teacher asked the kids to group off for some project, and for some reason he was left alone. Obviously this upset him. A little while later he was sitting in a different part of the room, and something else happened to upset him. He started acting out, and the acting out kept getting worse. At first it was sitting sullen and not answering questions, then he was making fun of other kids...until at one point he was about to do something really bad (something about throwing explosive crayons out the window...haha) and the teacher looks at him and goes "You know, if you keep this up they are going to lock you away for a long time." He just looks back at her and says "Yeah, I don't care. I don't care what happens to me" She looks back at him sympathetically and goes "Oh, honey, whats wrong? What is making you so sad?" Then he bursts out bawling. Either the dream ends or I don't remember any more.

The point is, I KNOW my T will interpret it as me in therapy, or maybe I interpret it that way, I don't know. But it is depicting this sad, little kid who breaks down after a little bit of sympathy...and that scares the crap out of me! I dont even want to tell my therapist this dream because it shows vulnerability...in a dream.

[cai23]

I don't think being mad at him in particular makes me feels safer with him...I think its just some kind of defense mechanism with me no matter who it is, for me to feel safe.

[Sannah]

Velcro, this stuff is a gold mine of issues to work through. Are you going to face them or turn away?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by cai23

I don't think being mad at him in particular makes me feels safer with him...I think its just some kind of defense mechanism with me no matter who it is, for me to feel safe.

So you do feel safer when it happens then?

[cai23]

At times, depending on how vunerable I am feeling. And it seems that this last week I have been extremely vunerable, with alot of pressure being put on me from family members. They are doubtful at this point if therapy has helped me or made me worse and think I really need to reconsider. My H gets frustrated because he doesn't know what goes on and I won't tell him, which is making me a very anxious. I don't handle pressure well at all and they don't let up on me until I will eventually cave. Maybe getting mad at T is my defense so that if I do cave I won't feel so hurt......is this making any sense

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by cai23

Maybe getting mad at T is my defense so that if I do cave I won't feel so hurt.

If you cave in with your T what does that look like?

I am sorry that a lot of people pressure you . That must be really hard. Maybe some boundaries will help with this? I had to work on boundaries.

People frequently do get "worse" before they get better in therapy. The same problems are there but before therapy coping occurred to keep lids on the problems. To fix the problems the lids need to be opened.

Why don't you want to tell your H anything?

[cai23]

I did set boundries with my family regarding my family when it came to my therapy, however they know if they all push me they can overstep them and push me back.......they all know how easily they can make me crumble.....since I was little.
My H realizes I do go for help due to a ex H who was very abusive. He doesn't know the extent of the abuse however and my T has advised me against me sharing it with him at this point. My H is an alcoholic and he also has ptsd and I honestly don't think he could handle it. I was also SA when I was little and have never told anyone.......it would tear my family up.

[Sannah]

So if your family can push through the boundaries then they really aren't boundaries? Is this an area that you want to work on in therapy?