My boyfriend disrespects me and swears at me.

I am married when I left my home but honestly I didn't love him and I was just forced to marry him because I got pregnant but the baby died. I decided to go overseas to somehow avoid him because being with him only hurts me and him because I know for the fact that I'm just pretending and being obligated. 6 months after I arrived here in K.S.A., I met a guy I fell in love with. He was a great guy and a bachelor and I liked him. K.S.A. is a very conservative country and dating among singles is not allowed. Few weeks after chatting with him, though it’s really bad, we secretly sneaked out and met in a room within our workplace where we almost had sex. Few months later we fell in love with each other and we had sex at the workplace. I know it was bad but at first, maybe because it had been almost a year without having sex and we don't have private place to do it (e.g. house) and it is strictly prohibited here, so I agreed with him. But it became a habit and sometimes even though I don't want to or I'm busy at work, he's forcing me to have sex with him. Every time I turn him down because it felt like he's not respecting me anymore, he always accuse me of being unfaithful to him and that I'm meeting someone else to have sex with. He doesn't trust me and he doesn't respect me anymore. He's so jealous to almost all guys I talked to and he even accused me of having sex with almost all of the guys that I myself do not know them. There was a time that he slapped me, even kicked me, out of his anger and jealousy. He even swears at me whenever he's mad and started calling me bad names. At first, I slapped him back and swear at him too but a friend advice me to show him love and care to make him feel that there's no one to get jealous of and I did. Now, we have been together for almost two years, but he never stopped swearing at me and calling me ***** or accusing me of having sex to many guys. I don't know what to do now. I know that he loves me because I see it in his eyes and he cries whenever he's jealous, he also sacrifices and did many efforts to me too. I love him so much but I don't know if this will work anymore I did my best efforts to him but he always sees me as a liar and having sex to random guys which definitely I'm not. He always says that I cheated on him but honestly I never cheated on him. He was the only guy I dated here and I never seen any other guys. I'm having low self esteem now and I always beg him just to fix things because no matter how much I tried to move on, still, I can't afford to lose him. I really don't know what to do..pls help guys!!

Sad Mekmek; I am so sorry you are having these issues. I am so sad to read this- and a part of me gets angry reading this.

I truly do not believe that Love is distrusting, disrespecting and hurting your partner as you have described here.
If someone loves you; yes there may be jealousy, however they do not kick and slap their lover and call them names to show their love.
If that is how they show love then I strongly suggest you both get into Therapy. It is not a healthy way to express love

Ya know, being busy, stressed out and etc. Not everyone is always in the mood- and as a woman- I say that needs to be respected by men. And I know Men are not always in the Mood which needs to be respected by Woman. It goes both ways.

I am not sure what you want people to say, this sounds really messed up and abusive relationship and sorry If I mis read something.

I hope you best and the strength to see you do not need someone to beat you with words and physically and sexually.

I honestly don’t know either what am I expecting from people to say about this but all I’m sure of is I’m so confused on what things are happening to me now. I’m not like this before I met him. I’m a strong woman, friendly and respected by others. He’s not my first boyfriend or my first love but I can say that I have never love like this before. The first months of the relationship was great, though we argue due to his jealousy, I feel loved so much because of the concern that he’s showing to me. But as time goes by, his jealousy became paranoia. He keeps accusing me of seeing and having sex to other guys within the workplace for which I honestly NEVER did. I love him so much and I can’t see myself messing up the relationship I wanted to work out. But he doesn’t believe me. Instead, he accused me of being a liar and cheater. I tried to move on but the more I move away from him, the more I find myself coming back to him. I’m so messed up now..

I honestly don’t know either what am I expecting from people to say about this but all I’m sure of is I’m so confused on what things are happening to me now. I’m not like this before I met him. I’m a strong woman, friendly and respected by others. He’s not my first boyfriend or my first love but I can say that I have never love like this before. The first months of the relationship was great, though we argue due to his jealousy, I feel loved so much because of the concern that he’s showing to me. But as time goes by, his jealousy became paranoia. He keeps accusing me of seeing and having sex to other guys within the workplace for which I honestly NEVER did. I love him so much and I can’t see myself messing up the relationship I wanted to work out. But he doesn’t believe me. Instead, he accused me of being a liar and cheater. I tried to move on but the more I move away from him, the more I find myself coming back to him. I’m so messed up now..

have you suggested therapy to him?

What is your view of love? I think you should ask your self that.

I think you should talk to someone about this relationship.

I'm sorry if I sounded harshly in my first post......

it sounds like a terrible situation.

is there a therapist or counselor you can talk to? he obviously doesn't respect you & if he is treating you poorly & hurting you...well all the love in the world isn't worth that..in my opinion.

i am also sorry about the loss of your child. are you married to the father? i think if so you need to straighten that up as well..just my opinion.

good luck.

stumpy

it's ok beauflow.. I totally understand you and I'm ready for any opinion you guys have and I really appreciate your precious time of paying attention to me.

I think love for me is something you have to cherish for the rest of your life and you have to give your best shot in every little thing and every second you have. I know that what's happening to this relationship is not normal. I want to leave him and move on but at the back of my heart and my mind says that I still want to work things out. The sad truth here is we don't have therapist here to talk about relationships because it is strictly prohibited here. Honestly, my friends almost got tired of listening to my stories of fighting with him over and over again and sometimes I just keep it within me and figure out things by myself and pray. That's why I went to search to the net to seek help and opinion from people.

hi stumpy! thanks for the reply and to your opinion. Unfortunately, there is no Therapist here because dating among singles is strictly prohibited here. But if only I can find a therapist, I would suggest to my boyfriend to have sessions. I really want to work things out and I know he does too. For how many times we tried to break up but we both find each other coming back to one another. I don't know if the place we're living and the culture here affects so much our relationship.

Yes, I'm married to the father of my child. He was my boyfriend for 3 years before we got married. I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't got pregnant. We lived together for 3 years. I honestly tried my best to love him the way he wanted and to work things between us but I only found fooling him and myself. I really wanted to straighten it up with him, I really tried but now I found myself in love with a guy who doesn't respects me at all. I don't know what to do anymore..

sad mekmek, you mentioned you went over seas to ksa, where did come from before ksa?

Idk much about ksa just a little, I am not fully aware of rights and how women are treated. It sounds very stricken as you described and what little I have read. Like women aren't allowed to walk alone, drive, vote, they have to cover themselves head to toe or they are bad?

Women should be treated as equals and maybe that's how I feel due to my culture, I sure know it wasn't how I was fully raised. But human beings are human beings. No gender is higher, and everyone deserves some general respect in some form to start out with. Yes you earn respect and lose it , but there Is general respect for mankind aka humans

Its too bad about therapy, and not being available. And its too bad your already doing something that isn't allowed with dating :/ I don't get it but then I probably wouldn't get a lot due to I don't know much of the culture and I am me, I don't get much of my culture...

Do your friends get tired of hearing cuz it is just how it is or because they don't have the sort of relationship?

I am sorry I can't offer much, I would go absolutely nuts with an abusive relationship. I would not be able to stand it, especially with all physical, sexual and verbal abuse. I won't share with how I imagine it would end up which keeps me away from the sort.

Yes love you should cherish, you should try and keep trying, but to have love you both need to be a part of it not just one sided.


my heart does go out to you..... And I wish you well and I really hope you can get out of this relationship or work something out in the end.

I'm sorry but it reminds me of an abuser and the victim has fallen in love with the abuser. The mind can be quiet messy like that.

Hopefully some one can'give you a better answer

You’re definitely right! Women here have NO RIGHTS! We are not allowed to travel alone or be caught by the MUTAWA (high priest for Muslims) walking together and talking to a man. Only men have all the voice and rights in the world. That’s why you and I are lucky because we were born in a free country. By the way, I’m from the Philippines.
I know my friends listens but sometimes I feel like they are being bored of the same old paranoia stories of my boyfriend. Oooppss..by the way, we had a fight the other day. He said a lot of terrible words to me and I fought back at him then he told me he misses me because before that fight he said to me he needed space. He actually broke up with me. I was so sad by that time and I decided to surf on the net and that’s why I found this site (thanks to GOD!). When he called me during my night shift, he was yelling at me and honestly he was disturbing me at my work then he told me he misses me. It was really painful for me that he said to me terrible words again, accusing me of being unfaithful once again then he misses me? So I cried over the phone and told him that he never respected me. He just answered me, “Have you respected yourself?” I answered him back that I’m not stupid enough to tear myself down and I know that I’m not perfect. The only thing I know that I did wrong was to have sex with him in the workplace. Do you think that is a reason why he disrespects me? To cut the story short, we had a big fight and I told him that this is for the best, be separated. He clarified it to me and I said yes. Now he deleted me on his friend in facebook and he’s not talking to me anymore. I don’t know if I will be happy or move on or ask him to come back. I don’t know if I can live without him.. I don’t know.. I really know know..
Do you really think that he doesn’t love me? Am I the only one who loves him?
Anyway, I really appreciate your effort and time for this. I really need someone to talk to.. thanks a lot.

I think you should take this fight into a light of moving on Sad mekmek, I really do.

You in the end make yourself happy and you need to do what is right for you.

I am sorry but his relationship does not seem like true love.

I do not think he loves you, despite what you want to see in his eyes. Love does not abuse. Can you go back to your home country now that you have been away from your husband? Can you get a divorce from your husband in your home country and "start over"? It does not sound like KSA is the place for you, for both its conservative nature and this man who is just using and disrespecting you. If you get caught, bad things will happen to you but not to him; don't put yourself in that position!

hello, I would say that this separation is the very best thing for you. He was not treating you right. I do not believe that abusive men are capable of real love. I'm sorry you have been put in this situation, and I'm sure you feeling very sad right now,
But don't contact him, he is horrible to you.
Are you happy living there? Do you have to stay there.
Wishing you all the best.

thanks beauflow for being honest. I know that the best thing is to move on but I don't think I'm ready yet but i will do my very best to make myself busy and divert my attention as to avoid thinking about him. I really appreciate your advice though it really hurts. I have to be ready to accept your opinions because I might have been so blinded by what I felt for him. I'm honestly devastated but I'm hoping and praying to be ok soon.. thanks a lot..

really Perna? you think so? it's really sad to hear it but i have to accept your opinion because that is what I need the most now. Sooner I'll be going home and I talked to my ex-husband about the annulment, he agreed and I hope that everything goes well so I can start over again. I know that what we did was really bad and we were both scared to get caught but maybe due to lack of private place to do it or we can't spend time together like the normal free lovers does (like simple sweet activities), I agreed to him. He slapped me twice because of jealousy and accusation that I never did. I got kicked too because I turned him down, I don't want to have sex with him in the workplace and he was paranoid that I already did it to somebody else that's why I turned him down. But that was a year ago. After that, nothing more but he still swears at me until the last conversation I had with him. I wish it's really easy to forget things and move on.

, I know its hard but time will heal you.

hi disguise123 thanks for your time..

yeah, honestly most people thinks that this is best thing, even us, we both agreed for this is what it should be. we struggle the relationship for almost 2 years and it's not working here in this conservative country. Maybe, if I met him in a free country, he wouldn't be that jealous and paranoid to most guys. I see it that way and he himself tells me that too. I'll be going home soon and honestly we planned to go home for vacation to spend time together and see the difference of being here and in a place where we can express our emotions freely. But it seems it won't happen anymore.. It's really sad and I'm really depressed. Sometimes, my tears will just fell down even if i don't want to or no matter I tried not to cry, it just keep on falling down.

whenever we fight, he's the one always coming back and there was only a few instance that I begged him to stay or I initiated being together again. He was only mean to me whenever he is jealous and paranoid that I'm seeing other guys.

thanks for listening and the advice.. I really need it..

super thanks for the hug.....

There was as study done on effects of gender segregation. The findings were that rather than turn the relations more civil it made them more violent, obsessive, possessive, just what you have experienced. The study was done in Ireland, but I can't find a link for you. When sex is this completely forbidden fruit it becomes obsessiely desired, and its object, women, are both hungered after and hated, even though the boys are taught to greatly respect women, i.e. "good women", like their mothers.

It's impossible to know what's in someone else's head, but perhaps your bf, like those Irish boys, was taught since he was too little to understand or question that women who have sex with someone not their husband are harlots. That could explain his conviction that you are having sex with others, because that's what harlots do, all the time and with everyone (or so the story goes). I would further guess that his question if you have respected yourself has something to do with a belief that a woman who respects herself would never have extramarital sex.

But even if I am completely wrong with my guesses here, the fact that counts is that what he was doing to you is unacceptable. And there is nothing you can do to change his behavior, because it was not what you were doing, but what he was feeling that was at the root of this. You cannot appease such jealousy. Even if he locked you up and made sure you can't even see another man ever again, his jealousy could still whisper to him that you are "wanting" to have sex with others, no matter how much you assured him you do not.

As to your attraction to him, and wanting to be with him despite the abuse, it's not that strange. During sex, especially good sex women produce so called "bonding" hormone, oxytocin. It makes us feel deeply connected. The other activity that stimulates oxytocin release is breastfeeding and it builds that incredibly strong connection between mom and baby.

You would have to be strong now, and don't give into temptation to get back together with him. You need to allow yourself time for these feelings to fade. Cry, miss him, but don't get back together with him. No man should treat a woman like he treated you.

I am so glad you broke up with him, and please make sure you are safe.

I'm so impressed on what you have said and honestly I am really amazed and enlightened. Thanks a lot to your wonderful research and explanation.

As to his behavior, he told me that his past gf's left him for another man. Yes, he lost his trust to girls and when he met me he said to me that I was different but as time goes by he said that he sees something in me that made him so jealous and makes him paranoid or think and react that way. I don't know what he sees in me that made him react that way but I'm just a friendly person and my relationship to other people is strictly professional. He is not my first boyfriend or my first love but I can say that I never love like this before. I love him so much and I respected him that's why I can't imagine myself having sex to someone else. We're not spending so much time together but we always talk over the phone (even at work and sometimes it's destructing just to make sure that I'm not doing bad things behind his back) and we chat too much. Do you think that he needs therapy for this?

Right now, I really miss him, a lot. But I have to be strong and look forward for brighter future. I really wish him to come back and that everything will be ok, but, it is God's plan and I have to trust HIM.

gosh @sad meke mek u are a sweet girl who got caught with a muck. he is using your fear of the social norms to coerce u into accepting abuse from him. do u really see a future with him? would u seriously wish to see any good friend of urs undergo what u are undergoing ? what would u advise her? do you think u cannot break up with him? make it public then he will not try to force himself upon u. dont u think avoiding all contact with him will show him he cant take u for granted? u deserve a great life with someone more understanding, caring putting ur happiness on par with his desires, make sure u r treted physically, mentally and sexually with respect u will find someone who is comfortable with himself as much as with u. u will see the calm and love in every aspect of thier life....u deserve that nothing less....for a change love yourself....... u are that special.every girl in this world is............take care

honestly rubyindie by what you have said, you made me cry. I appreciate you for telling me your honest thoughts but I'm sorry for being so emotional right now. It's been 4 days since we last talked and I can say that I'm trying to be strong enough to carry on. Do you really think that he's that bad person?

I'm sorry.. I don't know if I'm being stupid because I'm blinded by my feelings for him or I'm just an optimist person. I hope that he could explain himself too for equal and better understanding.

my dear if you have cried i guess u have seen some truth in what i had to say. i cleary think u deserve better. u have to learn to let go. u have tried your best and u deserve better now, not in some uncertain future. i went thru someting similar worse in my marriage, words of courage and encouragement from a very good friend gave me the courage to put my foot down and want somthing better for myself. we might feel guilty at first or willing to give a second chance, million times over but somthings are not meant to be. we have to accept it. move on. u have to decide if he is really worth u and the love u give him selflessly. according to me any man who raises a hand against a woman he says he loves, is a coward. there is no reason to love respect or even consider him. he is your boyfriend nothing legal between you so u have every right to think in privacy and withmuch deliberation about if he is good for u in long term. we women can be impossible sometimes, you now, we expect positivity, forthrightedness and transparency in us and expect it from others too. we seek stability and validation for our judgement from others seldom does it work, love. we have to be a little logical and truthful to ourselves sometimes when the going is tough. take care and think well. u definitely deserve happiness and respect atleast from the one who says he loves you.

thanks for the enlightenment words and thought of yours. I hope that one day I'll be able to stand up once again.

I wonder if he would have been more jealous in a more liberal country.
I think if he went home with you he would be worse.
Hang in there , these are hard times now, but they will get better!