How does one get over a lost love?

I have posted on this forum in the past and then took a break for a lot of reasons. I had found the love of my life and due to my depression and terrible mistakes I made I lost this love. It has now been 7 months without her. And instead of getting better each day is worse. All I can think about is how much I lost when I lost her. She is the perfect woman for me. And, when my depression didn't get in teh way, we were a perfect couple. The kind of couple others would look at and comment that they were made for each other. I can't, and won't, be in another relationship. But, I am very lonely and miss her so much. I just don't know what to do to get over her. I don't know what to do.

Well, what have you tried so far? Have you tried dating other women? I would think that the perfect women for you would be one who wouldn't mind being with you even when your depressed. About getting her back, I don't know what to tell you expect i read this book once.. i"ll have to look into finding the name of it, but the author of the book was saying that he lost his girlfriend, and then they got back together, and then she dumped him again. It wasn't until he started getting himself a life that things were ok. I don't remember waht he did but i remember him saying that he was just doing stuff where he was supported like going to church, and doing stuff where he had fun, and something to contrubute to the relationship. If it works or not i don't know, but it's somethng to think about.

Vett - it is breaking my heart that you're still hurting. I remember when you first came here - your pain was palpable. And after 7 months.... well I know that it does suck. I clearly remember my (unwanted) divorce -- I was in the pits for the first month or two... then found great strength in a rebound... then sank again... then worked my way back up onto my feet.... then when I was feeling good again, for no apparent reason came crashing down again hard. I was in therapy for 2 hours a day, 2 or 3 days a week for months, trying to expedite the healing process. It took me about 2 years before I started feeling like myself again.

What helped?
- yoga, to remind myself of my center
- finding a new passion -- in my case, road bike riding
- blind dating, to prove that there are lots of types of people... some worse, but some actually better than my ex, even though that was a tough concept to stomach at the time
- long healing vacations; northern California, Europe
- taking classes to learn something new and meet new people
- can't stress enough therapy, but with the intent of recovering from the grief

Vett - I have to say that not more than 2 or 3 days goes by without me wondering how you are. I was sorry when you disappeared from the board -- I've been hoping to keep in touch with you. I know what your pain is about, and I do want you to be happy.

What have you been trying lately, and how determined are you to get past the pain and find new happiness? I thought my world had ended, but I did eventually find something that was even better than what I had lost. I know that kind of happiness is there for you, too. You have a good heart - I know that about you.

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

{{{{{{{{{{{Vette}}}}}}}}}}}

LMo has some wonderful advice for you. I know we are talking through pm but wanted to say again that you will get through this....it doesn't happen overnight.

Welcome back hun.


Heather

Thank you all for your advice. I disappeared from teh boards for a while for a couple reasons. 1) I thought I was using the boards for an escape. I would do anything but do teh things I needed to do. I simply could not concentrate on anything else. and 2) Frankly, I got a little tired of some of the nonsense over a few posters that were not here for honorable reasons.

But, now here I am again. I thik reaching out again because I feel myself slipping away. I have so many major problems to deal with I don't have the time, energy or resources to solve all of them.

Admittedly I am still grieving the loss of my relationship. I lie in bed every night and think of her. I think of what I lost with her. And, I know for a fact that we had a great relationship and were wonderful together. She would even admit that. I was the one that screwed it up because of my illness and my sexual escapes. Because of what I did and my emotional instability she stays as far away from me as possible.

I recently watched the movie Bruce Almighty, which had a pretty big impact on me. In the movie Bruce is unhappy with his life and he blames God for letting him down. Then God makes deal with Bruce. He gives Bruce all his divine pwers to teach Bruce a lesson. At first Bruce is slefish with the powers, using them for his own benefit and not giving of himself to others. Little by little Bruce learns to give of himself to others. He also learns to appreciate the blessings that he does have and learns that he had the power within himself to better his life. But, he learns this lesson a bit too late as his selfish behavior caused him to lose the love of his life. At that point God asks Bruce what he is going to do about his relationship. Bruce tells God that he just wants her to be happy. As I watched that scene with my kids I had to excuse myself because the emotions that flowed through me were overwhelming. Tears streaming down my face (which was a big deal in and of itself as I have done a good job of staying numb). I realized that I do love my lover enough to wish that for her. And I wrote her a note telling her this story and that all I wanted for her was to be happy. Of course in the movie Bruce gets the girl back, I know I never will. And it hurts so very, very much.

I have no plans on dating again. I can't. My life is screwed up now more than ever. I have let even more things go over the last 7 months. Dating is not an option for me. First, I have no desire to date. I did see someone for a little while and all I did was think of my lost love. It was too painful for me. Second, no woman would get involved with me as I am a mess emotionally and financially. It is just my reality.

I did get voted on the Little League Baseball/Softball board. With Spring approaching that will keep me busy from April through August. And, I coach little league softball as well. I also bought a guitar and am working on teaching myself the guitar. Really trying to focus on doing other things to keep me busy and make me happy other than acting out sexually. Although, I really have no desire to do that any longer. Have not done it since I lost my love. Pretty ironic. And, I will not do that ever again.

In the meantime I am still very scared. I am so frightened of the outcome. Even with everything that I do have going on I hate my life and I do not have any real hope for the future. My hope for my future was with her. To be together with her, grow old with her. Be by her side. I have no one now and I tell myself that I got what I deserved. It is my punishment for the acts that I committed. Which, I guess is only fair right? One must be held accountable for their actions. One must be held accountable.

May I ask what it is you did that you find so unforgiveable? You seem to be expressing that you deserve to be alone as punishment. I'm sure you probably stated this some time back, but I'm relatively new to this board so am unfamiliar with your background.

I do deserve to be alone as punishment. To escape the reality that was my life I acted out sexually with escorts. Haben't done it since but it matters not. My life is a living hell, in part becasue of things that others did to me, but mostly because of things that I did to myself. The shame and guilt over what I have done ripps me apart each and every day.

So I am being punished for my actions. It is only fair, as I should be held accountable for what I have done.

ltredvett,
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I lost what I thought was the love of my life about 6 years ago - it triggered my first major depressive episode. I know how painful that can be, then depression on top of it is unbearable.

I'm glad you take responsibility for what you've done, that is more than a lot of people would do. But I am sorry that your actions led you to lose the woman you loved. I think betrayal is a difficult thing to get over, unfortunately. But I guess my question would be...if you loved her that much, why would you cheat on her? Were you unhappy with your sex life? Of course if it's too personal, please forgive me. I just don't think I understand why you would risk something you loved so much. I'm not trying to make you feel worse - I guess I'm asking do you have some sort of sexual addiction issues that need to be addressed?

As for getting over a lost love, I had that same question for many years. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Mostly, it is just like the old cliche "time heals all wounds". I know a part of my heart will always be with the one I thought was "the one"...but I have healed and now am with a wonderful man I love more than anything in the world. It's a different kind of love, yes, but I would say better - we are best friends on top of everything else. I am very fortunate that he has remained with me through 2 depressive episodes - amazed might be a better word for it!!

Maybe, if you are meant to be together, she will come back one day. But until then, do all you can to feel better about yourself. We all make mistakes, but you can't beat yourself up forever. All you can do now is to make sure you are in a healthy emotional place so that you won't make the same mistake again.

One more thing I can suggest....there is a book called "how to survive the loss of a love" and it is really helpful. It might help you get through the grieving process.

I hope I haven't upset you with anything I've said...I'm really sorry you are hurting so much.

survivor..

You didn't upset me at all in anything that you said. Your comments were calmly stated, nonjudgemental and very fair. Why did I do what I did? I now know that I did waht I did to escape my depression. The rush of those episodes was my own "drug". I can totally understand how many people would be digusted by that. I am disgusted by my own behavior as it ran contrary to my own upbringing, values, morlas and beliefs. I did it to ease my pain.

Was my sex life with this woman adequate? Well, I know that I am a person with an extremely high drive and I also know that it would be a rarity to find a partner that shared that. I know I was a bit frustrated in that area which may have contributed to me seeking it outside the relationship. But, I also know that that I did not place enough importance on the mental and emotional aspects of the relationship. For, it is the mental connection and the emotional closeness I miss the most now. I am isoalted and alone and the end result is that my depression has only escalated 10 fold.

This woman will never come back to me. I am facing that reality. I wish I could just turn back teh hands of time, but I can't. The pain is truely unbearable at times. Not just losing her, but how I did. That it happened as a result of my own actions, things I CHOSE to do. And, teh incredible guilt ans shame, It eats away at me every minute of every day. Each day is a struggle to get through. I can't explain why I did what I did. All I know it that I did it and it cost me dearly.

If you loved her that much you prob. will never get over it. I lost my love of life many years ago and I'm still not over it. It is hard. Sorry to hear this.

ltlredvett,

Was your love seeing a therapist during the time you two were together?

I went through the exact same thing about 10 years ago. I'm now married to another man and we have 2 wonderful children together.

My depression caused the love of my life to leave me. The depression and the mood swings were just too much for him to handle.

It took me a long time to learn to get on with my life but I did it. Don't get me wrong, I still miss what we had. I think about him when I hear a certain song on the radio or see a car on the road that was similar to his. Every time I see a surf board I think of him and in Western Australia there are a lot of surf boards around.

Even though I will never lose the love that we had together nor will I ever feel that sort of love, I still managed to get on with life and marry and have children. I love my husband very much but it's a different kind of love. It's more of a partnership.

I hope this helps you in some way.

Good luck.

belle....

Thank you for replying. I have had a lot of time to think about what happened and, more importantly, what I want out of a relationship. You mentioned a partnership.... you are lucky to have such a relationship. I guess I wanted someone to not only be my partner, but to share a very affectionate and passionate relationship as well. I now have come to the conclusion that the "complete" relationship that I am seeking may never materialize.

I just don't know what I can do to stop caring for her, stop missing her.... stop loving her. As to another relationship, I really don't see that happening for the foreseeable future. I feel caught between a "rock and a hard place". I know that in order to be in a place where I can take on another relationship I must be the best person I can be. But, my ongoing depression, fueled in large part by missing the love of my life, prevents me from getting there. And, there is no other woman I want to be with so I am trying my best to take teh steps I need to take to live a life alone. Because, I would rahter be alone than to be with another woman and always be thinking of her, wishing that I was with her. It is just easier and less painful to be alone.

My exhusband and I went out since I was 18 years old, we went to collage, graudate school together. After 13 years of time together,
we divorced 5 years ago.

since then we have been both tried to move on... I have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years and my ex is going back to China to get married tomorrow, and will never come back to US.

I went to see him yesterday ( I haven't seen him for more than 4 years)
we talked about a lot things and did some shopping and I left.

I have been crying constantly since I saw him yesterday. we basically grew up together, both of us being young, didn't appreciate each other until it 's too late.

If I saw a man poor and smokes a lot, I would stay away from him, and may even disgust him. but when I realized that my ex has to use credit card to pay his bill last month and he smokes almost every hours, and he was being taken advantaged when he selling his car..., My tears pouring out, my heart is aching, I'm so so so worried and sad, I have been crying since last night ... I thought I already get over the divorce after 5 years, but now I'm wondering will I ever ?

One reason for our breakup is his depression.

I can be sympathy about your situation...

vicky....

I am so sorry that you felt such pain after your experience with your ex. I guess there are some people that enter your life that you will never "get over". For me my ex wife of 19 years will never have that impact on me. We simply got married too young and we were not right for each other. I will always have some fondness for her, and feelings for her as we went through a lot together and we had two beautiful chidlren. It is the loss of this last relationship that haunts me, and proably will for quite some time.

Ozzie.....

I fully recognize that I have given her the opportunity to hurt me. She knows just the right things to say to hurt me and drive me into a tail spin. All she can say is that even after two years with me she really didn't know me. Wow. I mean taht one cuts like a knife. Because, I think in many ways she knew me better than anyone. But, looking back I can see that she has some issues with men in general. There were certain things that were her hot bottons. I can remember early on in our relationship I had forgotten when her birthday was. I knew it was in October, but I forgot the date. This was in August or so. I admitted to her that I forgot and asked her nicely to tell me the date. She refused. She wanted to see me sweat. And, jsut a lot of other little red flags showing a general distrust of men... all men are in it for teh sex, etc., etc.

I guess what I have learned is that you can rely on, or trust no one. Everyone is basically in it for themselves. Here, I thought I had found the most loving and compassionate woman. But, in the end when I needed just a little compassion and understanding there was none. So, she can saunter off to mass and do al the right things taht a good Christian should, but when the rubber hits the road and you have to give just a little of yourself... forget it. For teh first time in my life I really need someone to help me, to show that they care and there is no one. That is the biggest fall out of depression. That you act in such a way as to isolate yourself from teh world at a time when you need people the most.

Admittedly I am a bit cynical and I know that it may be the derpession talking, but I am just disgusted with people in general... even myself. Little things just seem to piss me off. I had one of my Sisters call me for teh first time in over 3 years. The reason that she called is that she was looking for a check that I owed her resulting from the distribution of the assets of our aunt that died. It is BS, she couldn't call over three years to ask how I was doing? But, when I owed her some money she was right on the phone.

I guess I have had it a bit with people in general. That when it gets really tough no one is there to lend a hand, offer support or let go of their own needs for just a moment to be there for you. So be it. That is my world. And, I think far too often that is the world we live in. That is the true and inner nature of the human being, look out for oneself and to hell with others.

Vett dude - what are WE? Don't you call this support? We've been supporting you for months about this particular issue!

But yes, when it comes down to it, we ARE all in it for ourselves. I learned that also when I was involuntarily divorced. But hey - why should it REALLY be any other way? It's one of those survival of the fittest things. And now that I've been through what has hopefully been my worst, I wouldn't have it any other way. Relying on yourself is the best policy, IMHO. Anything beyond that sets you up for guaranteed disappointment. But about your ex.... the thing is, you're not asking for just a little support from her. She knows that you have given her the power and responsibility over your happiness, and that is a LOT of pressure on her. It might seem like you are asking just a little... but in reality, you're asking for much more than you are admitting to yourself. My ex-husband acted and I think felt the same way your ex-girlfriend does -- after he had decided that he wanted out, he completely cut off all communication. After 6 years, a wedding, and expecting a lifetime together, you can imagine that it hurt dreadfully. But damn if I was going to continue letting him have the opportunity to hurt me AGAIN by asking him for support, especially since it was pretty clear that he felt very guilty about what he did. But I think I've told you this story already. End result is that nobody likes being reminded of their guilt for having hurt somebody else.

You're still in so much pain and I feel awful for what you're going through, Vett. You didn't answer me about what type of help you are getting for yourself. Your focus needs to be on what you need to do to heal from the grief.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

LMo...

First, let me say that I know that everyone on this baord has offered me support over the past several months, and I appreciate it. I was venting. The bottom line is that I have never asked for any help in my life and the one time I needed it the only ones that would come to my assistance were complete strangers I communicate with over the internet. Well, thank God for those strangers, included wonderful people such as yourself, because without you, and them, this would have been more difficult to get through. I am admittedly more than a bit cynical. I guess for most people you are not allowed to make mistakes. You can't be forgiven for making them. And, you had better fix them on your own.

And, you are right... I WAS relying on my ex girl friend for my happiness. And, it WAS too much to ask of her. I used alomost those exact same words in a letter I wrote to her. But, even still after recognizing my own flaws, mistakes and shortcomings I am still slammed as somone that has no worth.

I am taking a major timeout on any interaction with anyone. I just bought a guitar and I plan on spending my time learning the guitar (which I am very excited about). The rest of my time I will dedicate to my kids and to my work.

I have learned to avoid my ex girl friend at all costs. But, I can't help but wish in my heart for the kind of unconditional love where someone would be by your side through the bad times, as well as the good. Because as much as I screwed up I know myself to be a very giving, supportive and nonjudgemental person. Despite that I am destined to be alone and I am working on ways to be happy and content alone. Sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to have someone to be there to lend a little bit of support. I mean be there in flesh and blood. Someone to care, someone to love. I miss that, but I will figure out a way to live without it. In many ways I have to accept that as my sentence for what I have done.

{{{{{{{{{{{{vett}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Please know that we are always here for you. It does help to know that we do care.

Have fun with those guitar lessons......I can almost see you smiling . Good for you.


Heather