Mother will not speak to me

I've just picked up on this thread tonight and am wondering whether you have considered couples therapy. It doesn't look like this can go in any good direction without some sort of intervention. You & your mom might work with a therapist, too, if she were willing (I'm guessing she wouldn't be).

My heart breaks for you, baker, for all you're going through--and carrying a child you're about to bring into the world. That must be a nightmare to contemplate, because this birth is going to bring so many more complications.

If there's not time and willingness on all sides to work out the conflicts, I think you ought to consider separating from your husband. In most parts of the country, shelters are available, if you have nowhere else to go. He is abusing you, emotionally. Of everyone involved in this situation, you are apparently the only one positioned to make everything stop--and get people involved who can educate and impose some structure on the relationships here and expose the manipulations.

At least, that's how it looks to me. Please that best care of you and your unborn. Stay in touch here. I see a lot a folks here already caring a lot about you. Me too.
Roadie

Oh god, how I remember thinking the same thoughts when I was litte.
I kind of agree that it doesn't have anything to do with being Italian. I had friends from other parts of the world that were so close to their family, never experiencing my problems. Why I have a dysfunctional family and why I am such a mess is beyond me.
My family still has the old values of the culture in them though. I don't even know if that's what you call it. At the dinner table, the men are always served first, no talk of business at the table or else. So when my husband would speak about business or money the evil eyes my mom would give if she wasn't in the mood to hear it. However, whenever my mom decides to change the rules about things that's ok. If you don't spend holidays together, even birthdays, forget about it. I mean god forbid I wanted to go out alone with my husband on my birthday or for his, the snub I would get from her. I mean after all we all have to spend it together. The last holiday we had was Easter. She had it at her house because I was too sick to have it. I didn't even want to go. I said I don't think I'm up for it, maybe I should just send my husband and kids, she was so mad, so I forced myself to go.
Oh and when I was there of course my brother and his girlfriend was as well, who I might add my mother knocks all the time to me. Anyway, I decided to sit on her couch and fall asleep a few minutes. I just have a lot of pain sometimes and when I can welcome sleep it helps Because then I don't feel the pain. My mother was cleaning up the kitchen and decides she is going to make coffee in her new single maker coffee pot for my brother because he asked for it. Of course she doesn't know how to use the pot neither does my dad because he uses the espresso pot on the stove, so god forbid my brother does not get his coffee. You know what she does? She comes over to me wakes me up and says c'mon come inside and help us with the machine to make coffee, we don't know how to use it. I was so out of it. I wasn't surprised but I just felt so unloved so horrible. I got up sick as a dog made the coffee and that was that.
That night I remember my husband scolding my son about the tv show he was watching because it wasn't suited for our daughter. I heard my brother say something to my son like oh wow, you have to turn off your show for a four year old. That's pathetic.
It's ridiculous I know, my brother is also a baby. A 40 something year old baby.
When we left I knew my mother brother and his girlfriend were going to have a field day talking up a blue storm about my husband. My mother can't wait for things like that to be so negative. But yet she's bad talking us to the girl who she can't stand and also to my brother who she bad mouths whenever she can with me.
I felt so uncomfortable leaving but I knew I had to go, I knew it was best. Why wait to be the last ones to go. Let them have their field day.
It's painful thinking about the bad. Really hurts. And my dad just sits there through all of it. What a waste of time.

You know the more I think about it, the more I see how much of a baby my brother is. How similar he is with my mom. Maybe that's why she adores him. Maybe she knows how much I m like my dad and she doesn't approve of that since she hasn't had the best relationship with him all these years. Maybe she doesn't know it but maybe she resents me for that? I don't know just a thought.
I was thinking back about a month ago, a few days right after Easter actually. I was with my mom and daughter. My mom insisted on me getting out and seeing baby furniture. I didn't want to because I was unsure how the baby was at the time, but I did it because I knew it made her happy. As we were driving back home my brother called her. She told him we were out shopping. He was questioning her why I was out because I'm supposed to be so sick. Whatever, I just looked out the window. She hung up a few minutes later he called again. This time I heard her mention my sons name. When he was through, I asked her about it. She said " oh your brother was upset because of text messages your son sent him, and that your son should learn respect" naturally I wanted to kill my brother. My mom said my brother is immature and that he can dish out and not take it.
I knew what it was about though. My brother always promises to do things with my son like go to the park, or batting cages, or a baseball game and never comes through. That particular day he was supposed to take him out and never called him. My son texted him and my brother blew him off, so my son told him not to bother with him anymore. Anyway this had happened three days before he called my mom in the car. So basically my brother was pissed off knowing I was out with my mom " shopping" and had to start trouble.
I'm sick of this behavior, this weird sickness. My mom even said to him, I've talked to you everyday since this happened and you never mentioned it, why now? I was just kind of annoyed that my brother didn't come to me with it. It's about my son. I mean why would he bad mouth my son to our mother? I realize the answer is this is what my mother has taught us. But still, it's ridiculous. My brother fighting with his nephew, his godson. Makes me sick.
I am just so sick of going along wi everything. Going along with my brother treating us all like dirt and it goes unnoticed. I'm tired of kissing their butts because of their feelings. Well, what about mine?
You know my husband is a lot like my mother, the difference is my husband always speaks the truth. He is extremely honest, you will never get excuses from him. He is very upfront and that's the way he's always been. Sometimes a little too upfront but he doesn't hide his feelings. I think sometimes that is hard for my mother and brother. They are not used to such honesty and I don't think they like it.

I agree it has nothing to do with being Italian. It has to do with the drama, living out of a drama and choosing drama in one's life.
That could be Italian or not.

It is true that Italian families are quite connected and they usually have to back their children because the State won't take care of certain aspects of our lives.
It is also true that Italian families find difficult to respect the idea that the ex-child is now a grown-up and doesn't have to ask permission.

I agree with riotgirll, why should you keep beating yourself up over this? By now you know she won't change she probably wouldn't even know how. Would she agree to have a session with a family counselor with the whole family present? She's definately feeling sorry for herself, that should not make you feel bad. She's jealous of you and your husband, it will stay that way until someone can analyize the situation, even your dad, who can help her not get so upset over such little things.

So i just saw my dad, I have just calmed down, but i cant stop hysterically crying. Im crying like a baby. I asked my dad "so how did mom like her gifts and flowers?" He said something like, oh she's very upset. In a tone that he used to use when I was a child. I said why? He said well, she's upset because you never called her.
I held it together for those few moments. I just said, well dad, im sorry, but Im afraid to call her. I thought that i was taking the first step by giving gifts, and sending her the flowers. I asked him if she even liked the gifts, he said oh she didnt even open them until Sunday. (like, im not even worth it) I said, oh ok. What about the flowers? He said oh they are very nice.
I told him that I can never do anything right by her. That I'm dammed if I do, and dammed if I don't. I said, she always looks at what others do, but never at what she does. I know he agrees with me, but he as usual, just stays quiet. It's very painful. I literally have no family anymore. I'm like the black sheep now, and no matter what happens this will linger over their heads. He told me not to be afraid to call her, but come on, this is crazy. I even said, you know she missed two recitals of her granddaughter's. He acknowledged it, but I cant figure out whats going through his mind either. I really do give up. Im so tired of wasting my time feeling so bad and hoping that I could get into her good graces again. Things will never be the same. She will always hold this against me now.
I really thought for sure things would be ok by now. I really did. I feel so emotionally whipped, like a beaten down dog. I feel like Ive just been so emotionally abused. Im not saying that I was always a perfect child and teenager, because I wasn't. I didn't do anything bad by taking drugs or even drinking, becasue I think I had more fear of my mother getting in trouble then from anywhere else. But I mean, I was always there. I was always there.
I am so distraught I know I have to pull it together and be strong, but this pain will not leave me. It has been easier to deal with but it comes back so forceful like I feel blown over and cant get up.
You know, I always had the thought in my mind when thinking about my brother's relationship with me, that if he ever saw me drowning in a pool and he needed his shoe tied, he would come over and ask while I was drowning to tie his shoe. I know that sounds silly, but its just something I thought about. Now, I feel like my mom would do the same thing.
Now, what do I do? How on earth do I mentally keep it together? All these bad thoughts about what has gone on in my life with her, and really with the rest of my family dont leave me. I dont want to keep thinking about the past. But how can I help it, when I hear things like this from my dad? The funny thing is, she would deny everything and pretend none of anything I ever said happened. That's just what she does.
My mother will never think she does wrong in any way. SHe never takes responsibility, and she never will. It's so hurtful. I guess Im going to have to learn to live without her. And honestly, I wonder what will happen to my dad and me. I think our realtionship will be strained, since my mother will have his ear even more so now. But I ask again, what do I do now? I was always so used to having my family all my life. How am I going to manage without them? As dysfunctiuonal as they all are, I always felt happy that they were there. NOw, unfortunatley, I guess Im causing the conflicts. Doesn't she have a heart? Doesn't she feel anything for anyone but is she so sellfish she only feels sorry for herself?
I'm sorry for making this a horrible rant. I'm not even sure what I have been typing until I go back and read it.
I just don't know how to handle my life. I feel so out of control. I thought i could approach this hopefully moving forward in a positive way. I see things will never be positive again. I give up. I even said to my dad, she doesnt even care about whats going on with me. He just stays quiet. IT really hurts. It hurts to realize that all that time thinking things were good, that was all fake. Why did she do this to me? What did I ever do. It's like she couldnt wait to see what I was going to do for Mother's day. Almost hoping that I wouldn't call so she has something else on me to bad talk about.

Things will be positive again, if you want it.
You have to change the whole process of communication with your Mum and once you learn a better and more respectful way, what she does or doesn't will not be so paramount.

She has lived her whole life thinking that she was doing well. Do you really believe she would change in a fortnight? She doesn't even want to change. It is you who are fed up with her ways, she thinks they are just perfect.

She cannot come to you to say everything is all right, you are my baby. She is very scared that you are not going back to her as you used to.

You ask what the future will bring. How could we know. But one thing I know: the future will bring what you build, day after day with patience and love.

Rome wasn't build in a day. Take one day at a time and do that's good for you.
Try and stop to think and rethink obsessively about her, what she thinks, what she'll do.

One day at a time.

((((Baker)))) I am sorry you are hurting so much. I can relate. My siblings have my mother's ear, my brother can do no wrong (he sounds a great deal like my brother in terms of his N and selfishness). I also wondered about my father, as well, and thought the same exact things you did / do. I actually tried everything I could to maintain a relationship with him but because of my mother it was impossible. You can only do one-sided for so long. Frankly, being the "black sheep" is a horrible feeling but it also tells you how much dysfunction is present and the dynamics are totally unhealthy - and even deadly.

I also realized no matter what I did, it would never be good enough. In her eyes. And she had the audience of the family to listen to her poor me stuff.

When you are feeling up to it, please go to the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website and see if any of it resonates for you. It may or may not. It was a lifesaver for me.

You have done nothing wrong. You are not a bad person. You are a lovely, caring, intelligent woman that deserves more. Rose

Thanks Bonnie. I just don't know how to make things positive. How do I start? I thought I was going in the right direction for Mothers day. I guess not. Now Im feeling so guilty that i didn't do the right thing by calling her yesterday. Ugh, here we go again. Shes making me feel so guilty about myself. The sad thing is, this time at least there is some merit. I mean I guess I know deep down that I should have called. I took the easy way out.

WHy do I feel so bad though. I mean I feel like Im a terrible person. I also have all this built up resentment and anger. Im trying to let go of it.
I just briefly looked at the website, I believe my mother has every one of those narcissism traits.
My husband thinks I should give her a piece of my mind and stop being a mouse towards her. The thing is, I don;t want to be that person. I dont like how I feel when I become angry and argue with her. I used to do that a lot with her, but then I stopped. I hated how it made me feel. He says that she will be missing out on so much. Her grandchildren, the new baby, everything. But Im afraid that this woman will never come to me. I hate having all this time between us. I dont feel healed, and Im not sure I will be.
I too will never be good enough for her and it hurts. If she ever heard this, she would be mortified, and scream. Probably saying things like all I want is attention. I remember times she would make me so upset I couldnt control it and I would break down and cry to my dad. SHe would be right there making sure my dad didn't "cave" into to my feelings. It's like she has to have total control. It just makes me sick.
I dont know If Im out of line asking this, but if I may and I wont be offended if you refuse, how did you manage to cope with your family issues? I mean, how did you move forward and let go of the pain? WHen did you realize that there was no turning back, and that you wouldn't speak to your mom again?

i never stopped talking to her.
I just stopped thinking about her as 'a mother' in my head.

We talked till her last day. Not about important topics, I'm afraid.
I made clear that I she had to stay beyond certain points, certain questions and behaviors. She tried not to, but i had it my way.

SO it was not a mother/daughter relationship. It was.... something. What we could afford without bleeding too much

((((Baker)))) I wish I could say it was easy, but it it wasn't. It isn't. I am still working on it. I found a really good Therapist that believed in me, validated my feelings and was very supportive of me. I also come to PC. And I signed up for the DoNMs newsletter which seems to always come at the perfect time.

Part of what my mother instilled in me is that I had to be and act a certain way to her and if I was not, I would suffer for it. She literally said to me, "if you would just do what I want, you can have anything you want". I became totally dependent on her for my happiness... that is part of their sickness. The manipulation, lies and co-dependency. For as long as I was around, she could find a reason for her misery. Instead of looking at herself and her own illnesa.

I would, could never be good enough in her eyes. I continued banging my head against the wall, trying everything possible to get through to her. Nothing helped. She had it rough with her mother so she continued the cycle with me. I stopped it. She really has no clue. And she wont change. And the same with your mother, if she knew about all of this she would be protesting like crazy, pulling her woe is me act.

I had to change. I had to do the hard, painful work and it was / is worth every second. I will be able to have a peaceful second half of my life. That is priceless to me.

I stopped it for the same reasons you describe(d) here ... I am not like her, I will never be and I don't want to be. It hurts to try to be something you are not. And arguing, fighting...not worth it.

I have been sick for 6 weeks and she has not once bothered to pick up the phone. It hurt. But I realized that she hasnt changed one bit. I could wait until the cows come home and she will never call. And that reinforces even more my desire to stay away from her.

I go through all sorts of feelings / emotions when I think about her. Once I stopped doing that, and started focusing on myself and my life, it hurts less. I was giving her all my energy. Now I give myself my energy.

I hope this helps a teeny bit. I could write a book but I dont want to go on and on.

The most important thing I can tell you is that you are not crazy, you are human. You have a great big loving heart. It just takes time. At least it did for me. The hurting, feelings of guilt, fear, loss, anger dont go away over night.

Right now, honey, the most important thing is that you focus on you, your family and baby.

Well done, Rose. Well done. That's how it should be.
They are dragging our energies away from us.
We must learn to start giving to ourselves first.
Not because we are selfish, but because if we don't love ourselves we cannot love anyone else.

If ok, will share my experience.

I was best friends with my mum until a few years ago. My father has always been over-powering and a bully and we had a very big row a few years back. I say row, but he just stood over me, purple with rage and told me some nasty things, called me all sorts of names, that I was a waste of space and I deserved nothing nice in life. I asked at the time, without raising my voice or fighting back, to explain what was behind all this and he wouldn't say. To this day he refuses to say, despite asking several times and pleading. As far as I am concerned that this was out of nowhere, but would've been more than willing to put things right if I had known what they were.

My father started to turn my mother too, The only contact we had was with them both putting me down, twisting things, ignoring what I had to say, talking over me and oh, the endless digs. They also tried to punish me with the guilts, finding wonderful ways to make me feel awful.. for example by being the only family member my father did not tell he had cancer. He told me later that he did not tell me was to punish me. WHAT?! I found out by accident. I was not allowed to visit him. Nothing I did was right, even things I did for them before the fight that they loved were now hated etc. Whenever I asked to talk things through with them over the big fight was either ignored or my father nastily saying that if I could not understand what I did wrong then he wasn't going to waste his time.

I am full of flaws, of course I am. I have admitted and tried to change in the past. I never ever set out to hurt them, and to the best of my knowledge I never did. I went out my way to make up for my brothers lack of interest in them and did so many things for them. I drove the 500 mile round trip every 6 weeks to see them where my brothers went about once every 2 years. I thought they were my friends. My brothers who do nothing have the sun shine out of their bums. This is so often the way it seems.

You know what? I just reached the point that despite them being my parents, despite me loving them, I walked away a year ago. I finally understood that I would never hear what I wanted or get what I needed and that was to sit down like grown-ups and sort things out once and for all. It seemed that my father found it more important to be the bully, the victim or however he see's himself with me than to actually talk about it and sort it and have a decent relationship with his only daughter. My mother just gives into her husband rather than have a relationship, so quite frankly, she's just as bad. I find it strange that someone could do that to their own child but although it was so tough, I realised that I could not make him do anything. I love my parents but I do not like them. Blood is not thicker than water and at the end of the day, my life is mine and I have to make it as happy as I possibly can. Sadly they did not want to make our relationship anything by miserable.

The first few months of walking away were tough, so very tough. Some days I still get so very sad. But there's been a little river of calm running underneath it all, and I feel, well, if not happier, certainly more at peace with it. It was ruining me having my parents, my parents who are supposed to love me, dragging me down every day and I thought of very little else. It consumed me.

I can't tell you what to do, if to keep contact with your mum or whatever. But I can tell you that although it is so very hard and probably always be, I feel better. I am responsible for my own happiness and that's what I am doing.

Something else that was an enormous red flag to me, which I remembered after I posted...

My siblings, too, it is as if the sun shines out of their you-know-whatz! As long as they continue to play along with her and she can live vicariously through them and boast about them, she remains the Queen Bee. They are both incredibly N and self centered but successful so she can brag about them to all her friends, the circle.

Both my siblings are actually total a-holes tbh (sorry) and they get away with murder.

My sister is married with two children. A boy and a girl. When my mother and I were still speaking "politely" about the weather, her life, my brother's stuff, my sister and her kids, etc (that is before made the decision to cut off all contact and was still really making an effort), I asked her how her grandchildren were doing and esp funny, stubborn lil Sami (who is only 4 but definitely coming into her own, with her own adorable personality. She is very strong willed and intelligent and has her own personality, totally threatening to my mother), my mother kind of made a snide remark and said something very sarcastic about the lil one I knew, with broken heart, and disgust, right then that poor child would be my mother's next target / victim. I could not believe my ears...my mother was (is) jealous of a 4 year old! And her own granddaughter to boot.

(I often wondered after I was out of the picture who my mother's next target would be).

It is all part and parcel of her sickness. She has to be #1, top of the pile, all eyes on her, martyr... when that is challenged, she is vicious and cruel, sneaky, manipulative, controlling and she covers her tracks like a true master.

I am so glad I am away from her...as I admit that hideous behaviour of hers, it makes me feel ill. But she did the same thing with me. As soon as she saw me as "competition" or taking away her spotlight, she had to start cutting me down.

You know, after reading some of the responses including yours I am inspired to have courge and be strong. I feel this way for a few minutes and then I think to myself, who am I kidding. The waves of heartache ome back and then im a puffy eyed mess all over again.
The doorbell rang a few minutes ago, which it never does. For a split second I thought could it be her? Then before I even made it to the door, I laughed out loud and said nah.
You know from what you described about your niece, the thing is my mom would say how horrible it is to behave that way about a child. The way she always would say things regarding my husbands mother. She was right about her. My husbands mother was never a mother at all, she competed with her daughters for attention and actually wasn't very nice at all. My husbAnd grew up on his own. However, my mom would say how horrible it would be for a parent to behave in that way, and not at all acknowledge the pain she caused me. If that at all makes sense.
It sounds as if we share similar family conflicts. My mother too, would brag about my brother. She didn't do it as much lately when we spoke but she always had to brag all about him even when they weren't speaking for four years. She would even brag about how my brother looks so much like her, has the high cheek bones, and almond eyes, and great skin, oh and blue blue eyes. Mind you I have the sme color eyes. Me, she would always say, oh and she looks just like her father. That was it. Growing up my brother always had the gift of bs too and mind you in school never had to study he was just so intelligent. I on the other hand had to work at getting good grades. She would tell this to people. So much so that I started repeating it as I got older and older.
I realize that I am a scared mouse about everything and probably always will be. It is embarrassing.

I feel depressed this afternoon. I think about how some people are going through much worse than I could imagine and I think about how short life can be for some. I have a mother who is being so selfish and childlike. Why can't she think about how life is so short?
I have healthy children that ask for her almost everyday, doesn't she miss them? Doesn't she feel blessed? It's just always going to be all about her. I have to realize that she will never come to me. That all my life I was used by the one person I thought I could trust in this world. I know I keep singing the same tune. I just can't move past it all.
I also just want to take a moment and thank all of you who have read through my craziness and have responded with kind thoughts. I am so relieved I have a place to come where I feel safe enough to discuss these issues. I know it's been only several weeks but it has helped me quite a bit.

You know, you posted about having that dream where everything was normal. You're lucky even to have such dreams. Usually we scream at each other in mine, and that was an improvement - i finally found my voice. My friends say to me, "but she's your mother! How can you not talk to her?" And I'm like, I don't know what that means. To them it means someone who took care of them. I guess, I don't really know. To me it just means somebody who stabbed me in the back, threw me under the bus - okay not literally, but close enough.

I grew up without grandmas, and nobody cared. Not saying that's a good thing. But find your kids a better role model. They will go by what you say.

It has taken me a couple of years to feel better, but I live life in the slow lane and alone. You can build new experiences, new "muscle" every day. No, we just don't have that mother. hopefully you'll live to be the kind of grandmother you wish your kids have - if they decide to have kids! Better enjoy what is.

After my husband had that argument with my mother that basically started this whole conflict I haven't stopped thinking about my life. My life with my family. I always kind of brushed the thoughts of what I've been feeling this past month right by. I knew deep down things weren't normal but I kept moving along life thinking this was best for everyone.
To think a little less then two months ago I remember sitting with her in my house while she was here "taking care of me" because I was so ill and thought I was dying. But I remember saying to her, mom life is so precious, and when I'm better can we please do more things together? Like can we just have a mom, daughter, granddaughter night? I just wanted more time in case i get bad news after the baby is born about my health? Oh, she seemed happy about it, but I mean, does she think about these things? Did she ever care? Sure, when I would come back from a doctor, or from the blood lab, or get results, she told me she was on pins and needles and so worried and crying, and so was my dad, but where is she now?
I remember saying how much I wish I could go outside and smell fresh air, and how I was so lucky that i used to be able to do it. She kept reassuring me that I will again someday. She seemed like a mother then. What happened? I mean, how could she just turn so moody like that?
It's hard to think about these things. Hard to think about the good times, which I thought were good times, just life in general with her. But unfortunately, I still have some resentment for my husband. I kind of feel that he started this all. That he is the reason she is staying away. I know in my heart that if she really wanted to be a grown up and be around us she would be, but my mind is always going back to what if my husband never had the argument with her? I would be better off right?
Who knows about what if. I know I need to stop it. I need to live for today. I'm only human I guess. I just have a lot of anger in me still. And it's from my mom, husband, brother, father, everyone.
I just just know how to deal with this about my husband.

Let me guess where your mother is.
Home, remembering the very words you just wrote out and exclaiming to your father "oh where is she now?"

You know, when we start cutting the rope is not easy. And it doesn't help to blame it on your husband.

You've got to decide whether you want to live the life you think right or the life your mother thinks right. Cause it seems your ideas of right are quite different.

You need to change habits. And that's a process and it does not take a minute.

You are hurting cause you believed for so long that she was right and that being a 'good girl' would lead to right places in life.
Now you are being an adult and watching over her teachings and deciding that maybe you don't like them a lot.

You can always be your Mum's favorite: all need to do is to go back to old habits and you'll get along just like one month ago.

But if you want to decide, if you want to be treated like an adult.... well don't ask so many questions about HER and think and build the life you want.

I don't think it's fair to resent your husband. People fight, end of. It's how we deal with things after we fight that is important.

If your mother was really mad at your husband and wanted nothing more to do with him, then she still could have a relationship with you. She could tell you that you are welcome at her home without her husband, or come to visit you when he is out. But no, am afraid she is punishing you instead - and your children.

This is not your husbands fault. She is in charge of her own actions, as tough as it sounds.

Hugs

I have to admit, you are right on. I know these things are true. I just think that because of how she has dealt with significant issues in her past she doesn't know how to behave. She never knew how to communicate and never will. So I know she will stay away. It's just ridiculous. I also know deep down that even if my husbands tone was fresh towards her, he was in the right. Oh good grief would she hate to hear that. I think I even told her that, right Fter the argument and she stayed quiet or tried taing over me.
My husband even has said to me" what did you do to her? you had nothing to do with it" I guess she doesn't see it that way.

I know I shouldn't blame my husband for her. I just wish he would have handled the situation better, or at least help me speak to her after the fact about things calmly. I do agree, it's how you resolve things and communicate to at least try and make things different. Not just sit and stew and bad mouth. My husband won't budge. I cant get him to go over to her and talk diplomatically about things. I want my behavior to change towards her and I want to do this now rather then later. I just don't want to leave things unresolved, and if its ever to late to fix, I just want some peace of mind knowing things will be ok in the future.
I know that if I went back to my old habits with her, she will be worse then before, so I have to stay strong. I just don't know how much more I can't take of this. I can't allow her to control my life anymore, no matter how bad I feel for her.
You right, she is definitely sitting there saying that to my father. I guarantee it. Shes also probably saying that its my husband thats keeping me away. What a waste of a life. She has the nerve to talk about other people. She never has looked at herself not once.
I have to stop being so weak minded. How to I change that?

Is it weak minded? I don't think so. You're hurt, for sure and you've a lot to work out in your mind.

Rome was not built in a day, but I really do think that you will start to change your ways and also let go of the pain. Forgive me for saying, but your mum has kind of controlled you all your life - and it will take time to get used to the situation now. If nothing else, I should imagine that you'll just tire of being upset and being in a situation that you can't really change. It may be then that you accept what has happened 100% and start to just get on with your own life. I also think that perhaps when the baby comes along that you'll have your hands so full that you'll have less time to keep mulling this over.

I do hope tho that you stop punishing yourself, and also let go of the resentment you hold for your hubby. Make yourselves a tight little unit if you can - he and the children are your family now and should be a priority.

Hugs

Edited: I know you are humming over therapy, but I really cannot recommend it enough for you. Not only will they listen without judgement, they can teach you wonderful ways of changing your thinking pattern. I think even a few sessions will help you if he/she is good at their job.

I couldn't agree more!

And again about what to do right now, how about creating a temporary mantra "i don't want to be manipulated, manipulation is not love"?

But riotgirrrl is more than right: you need to substitute old patterns with new ones and it is VERY difficult to find them out by yourself. A help is really important and could make your life easier.

I often think to myself that, if by some chance, I could get back all the money i spent on my health (both physical and psychological) I'd be a rich girl
But I am a happy 'girl' and that's where my money is.

It seems that we can do without help, but it really is not so. Especially with you saying that you are not well. Any help would do.
Just asking for help is beneficial, because it reminds us of the eternal truth that we cannot do it on our own.
You thought you could make it with your mother.
You know better now, but you do need someone to lean on