Mother will not speak to me

Thanks Bonnie. I know that I will be looking for a therapist very soon. I already mentioned it to my husband that when the time is good, I would like to speak to someone. He didn't say I was crazy this time or that it was a waste of time, he just said, "whatever you need to do" I felt better about that. Then of course he goes on to say that I probably would put the therapist to sleep with everything I have to talk about. We laughed it off. At least he is supporting my decision.
I had another doctor appointment today. Everything seems good with the baby thankfully. I had more blood work done to test my levels again, and a few other things that need to be done. It has been scary to say the least. I have been trying to be strong and pretend that I can handle it all. Honestly, I really can't. I am going out of my mind about everything.

Unfortunately, my daughter hasnt been feeling so well today. i think she may have a stomach bug but im not sure yet. she is very lethargic. For such a lively, spunky kid, it's hard to see her this way. In the back of my mind I think about my mother and how she doesn't even care enough to see how we are, or how her grandchildren are. This little girl of mine asks for her all the time. She always wants to go and see her. It really makes me sick that she doesn't see it this way.
I have given up feeling that things will get better. I always believed that things happen for a reason, and that time can heal all wounds. Who knows. I have to accept this now and go on.

Hay House World Summit 2013

Check this out.
Like I said, any help would do and inspirational teachers are a gift

Bonnie, thank you for sharing that link ... I really like Louise Hay. I read her work a long time ago re: mind / health, and it helped tremendously.

Thanks Bonnie. I registered and have started to watch the videos.
I saw my dad today. Told him about my latest updates. Mentioned that my daughter has another recital this weekend. The last one until the fall. He said he would come. I said, mom should go for her too, and he replied, "oh well, when you think about it, she says" he was cut off because my husband had called me from the other room. So I just said ok dad, talk to you later. That was that. I'm so glad he was cut off. I don't think I would want to hear how she has gotten to him again. It seemed to me that he was going to say something negative about my husband probably about the argument he had with my mom. I was ready to defend us and tell him how wrong she is, but I just don't even want to care anymore. I don't want the bad, evilness, warped sense of thinking around me.
I do miss things when we were all "happy" but I guess that was just fake happiness.
I think life is so precious, but yet sometimes I think my feelings have become so cold. I know deep down she is sick and I should be more undstamding of that, but when is enough enough? To think I wante to make amends with this woman. It makes me sick. She won't change, I know this. She won't even take a step back and look at the situation. She is happy that she has more negativity to gossip about and now with my brother. She is miserable, and she is alone. It's unfortunate how many time she would talk bad about my dads mother saying she was a miserable woman and that she would die alone because she was so horrible to people.
I just don't want to be a miserable person. I don't want to end up feeling regrets and uncertainty of what I should have done or how I've should have behaved. I want to make things right but I just don't have the energy to do it. I'm kind of stuck. I feel my head runs in many directions and my feelings are all over the place.
Yesterday at my endocronologist appointment I mentioned that I must be crazy because I'm so nervous about everything that is going on with me including family drama. He said to me, "your not crazy, your just narordic" said I also suffer from anxiety attacks and that I really need to start to control them, because its not healthy for me or the baby. I can't help it. It just happens. The shortness of breath, feeling so constricted and the pain begins and not being able to catch my breath. It's horrible. I thought it was related to my heart issues. Ha! It's only gotten worse since the problems developed with my mom. I want to blame her and say look what you've done to me. She would just rip me apart and say its not true.
We have done so much for her and my dad. Where is he to shape her up? Why can't he finally for once stand ground and say look, cut it out. Work these issues out, because this is our family. He just is so controlled by her I guess he can't change his ways either. One day we talk and he will agree with me and then the next I know she has gotten to him because he sings another tune. I mean this is a grown man in his mid 70's.
I need a break I guess. I need to feel in control of my life but I have to stop having this guilt. I really do.

(((((Baker)))) I get it. I truly do. More than you will ever know...your situation is so similar to mine, the feelings you express, the confusion, frustration, hurt, anger ... I have been there. Sometimes I am still there: confused and hurt.

Your feelings are real, they are very valid. It takes time to process everything. I still shake my head sometimes.

My mother talked bad about my father's family, was horrible to her own mother, and my mother was horrible to me. I do not have children. The beauty in all of this growth for you (and I know how much it hurts) is that your children will get to have a different kind of mother ... you (loving, caring, intelligent, kind, good-hearted, supportive). You are giving your children a chance at reality and real, true loving relationships.

One day at a time. Take your feelings as they come. Acknowledge them. They are not good or bad. They are your feelings.

If I may, my T taught me something that was really helpful...when I was feeling really bad and hurting and beating myself up over everything, she asked me to ask myself "what would you say to your best friend? Would you be hard on her like this? Of course not! You would give her a hug, listen, be kind, supportive and caring."

In other words, the negativity you feel about yourself, you learned that about yourself from your mother. It is her voice you hear when you are being hard on yourself. Those tapes.

It is not your truth. It has nothing to do with you, your value or who you really are. You are lovely. You will learn to replace these negative "tapes" with more loving ones to yourself with your T.

Rose

There are times, when it feels like things happen for a reason, yet, personally, at this point, I find that, that saying, doesn't give me control over my own life and my own choices that I bring to the table.

I hope your daughter feels better. The stomach bug seems to be going around, again. Struck my home this week, again, with my youngest being sick. He was just sick, they all were, around spring vacation week.

Hang in there.

Thank you Rose. You are so strong. Its this kind lf courage that i think i need. I want to be in a good place and feel at peace. I really do. Those "tapes" you mention, her voice, you are so right. I don't understand how a person can become this way. I mean, did she inherit this behavior from her family? Am I going to become this person no matter how much I try not to be?

((((Baker)))) I don't think you "inherited" these tapes at all. I think they are all you know because they have been drummed into you all these years. I truly believe they are not you...who you are truly in your spirit and heart.

I think you mentioned at one point that you are similar in nature to your father ... so it is confusing to you how his persona is acceptable to her, yet she cannot stand it in you. My mother is the same way. I could never make sense of it.

I even told her one time that I was good! I was like dad and she was so loving toward him, yet she seemed to be so cruel to me for it. I didn't understand it at all. I also reminded her of her own mother and my sister and how she and my sister were treating me exactly the way she complained her mother and sister treated her ... and that she was continuing.the dysfunction, pain, hurt .... that awful emotional manipulation and abuse. Ganging up on me like that. She had nothing to say to that because she knew I was right.

She always put me down for just being me. Esp when I was trying to assert myself and be my own person. She felt so threatened by it. She couldnt accept it: that I had my own (kind, caring, sweet, creative, sensitive) personality. She would say vicious things to me about it. It wasn't until my uncle (whom I love and respect enormously who had a very close relationship with his mother, who was beloved and respected and adored) told me that I reminded him of her (in all the best ways possible). That was empowering to me because it gave me the opportunity to celebrate me instead of hate myself for it (because I just could not seem to do anything right by my mother).

That sort of validated to me that I was good and if my mother couldnt accept that about me, then eff her. To put me down was to put my beloved grandmother down. And that was unacceptable.

Honey, I am not strong. I just dont want to spend the rest of my life miserable. It has taken me awhile to get here. T, pdoc, dbt, understanding what DoNMs is about, complete separation (no contact) in order for me to get to this point. It has been hard work at times but the payoff is gold. Not feeling so guilty and horrible about myself ... a burden has lifted.

You can do this. It just takes time and a shift in thinking...I am thinking more about my life now and how I wish it to be better, more loving and fulfilling vs. worrying and upset about how this whole thing doesn't even seem to affect her in the least bit and she continues to (apparently) live a "happy, productive, active, fun" life despite the fracture in our relationship. That used to kill me it hurt so much, but now I try to not think about it and focus on me and my life.

One time it even occurred to me, "how in the world could I be worrying about one or two people in the whole wide world? In the grand scheme of things, out of all the millions of people literally, I am focusing on a blip."

I hope this made a bit of sense, honey.

We are here, get it and are supporting you. It is not you. You are NOT her. That is what hurts so much too...wishing you could just change enough or do something "good" enough for her to be kind. Again. And caring. And to pay attention. It really was about you bending over backwards to be with her, though (those happy loving times you recall)

Rose

(Ps, my mother also separated me from her friends and couldnt stand that I had friends that saw through her bs and loved and supported me. She did not like my friends at all. That was very threatening to her. She never even once tried to get to know my fiance. And when he passed away (cancer), she didnt say a word to me about it. Or comfort me or even show the slightest bit of care. She did take advantage of my pain and vulnerability though).

What an extraordinary bunch of ladies we are!!

Rose I was talking just tonight to my new T about the coldness my mother could muster when I tried to have it my way.
You can rest assured that I did have it my way. But she fight with all her might. She was really scared about the world and everything and was trying to instill something like: the world is a dangerous place, stand by me and you'll be safe. Ha! She just wanted for me not to live my life and that was meant to be safe.

She could be so distant and opinionated: it should be her way or nothing. I had it my way but it was tough to cut the cord from my side: usually adults does it.

And I too had an uncle that saved my life with his pure and perfect love: he loved me so much and I did love him in return

till next exchange

What is it, about our mother's brothers? ((going out on a limb here, that it's both of your maternal uncles, as is my own))

Something symbolic happened with me last night, that reminded me, just now, when you mentioned that it's usually the adult that cuts the cord with the child, not the other way around. Silly really, but, took my middle son to a friends bday party and there were arcade cames, with those tickets that come out. And we were trying to leave, as he tried to fold them up, he's only 7, I grabbed one end, so we could walk, and he folded it and I let go. And it reminded me, that it's up to me, to let go.

Your description, sounds similar to how I've felt about my own mom. Was so hard, because, to others who weren't her daughter, she was kind, caring, sweet, on and on. SO, when I'd stand up for myself, I was painted an unusually darker shade of black, so to speak.

Mom's like this, raise daughters that have a truly difficult time with relationships in life. I was thinking about this thread today. If I had a little spat with a female friend, it would seem, she'd encourage me to walk away from the friendship. Likewise with employers, etc. Seemed to crave my dependence on her. ((I do speak in past tense of my mom, she passed on 3 years ago))

My life, changed. It's conflicting to outright say it, but my work life, friendships that I am building, etc., seems better, in a way. Since she's been gone, I took on a job, that would have been beneath her tastes. And in that time, I've gained a good work reputation, and recently, received a promotion. And, as beneath her, it would be, I really LIKE what I do.

This past week I have not been physically well. I've been fighting it and trying not to show my family how really horrible I feel. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all away and wake up when I'm better.
Still not a word from my mom, but I guess I wasn't expecting anything anyway. My dad hasn't emailed me or tried to call me. But I guess that's really his personality anyway. My mom was always the one to keep up to date with what was going on with me and then tell him. If I want to talk to him or just say hi, I have to be the one to contact him.
My daughter has been quite sick as well. She is suffering from a really bad cold that just doesn't seem to want to go away. It's hard, because I can't be around her to take care of her because my immunity is so low.
I have been trying to pull it together but if I watch a depressing movie or hear a depressing song, or something else that reminds me of spending time with my mother I lose it. I mean, I feel so bad inside. I wonder if she ever has a moment where she thinks of us in a good way and is sad that things are so sour.
My dad did go to my daughters recital last weekend. My husband then to him to lunch with the kids. However, my son told me that he drove over to lunch in my dads car, and my mom had phoned my dad. He has Bluetooth so my son was able to hear everything. My dad told my mom that they were on their way to lunch and that my son was with him. Do you know that my mom didn't even say anything to my son, like hey, how are you? Noting. She just yelled at my dad saying that she has things to do and why is he going to lunch since my dad always says he rarely eats lunch.
When my son told me this, I felt so hurt and got that angry feeling again. I felt like she was being so miserable and nasty. She is such a baby, I can't stand it. To not even speak to your grandson, that is pathetic. She will probably say that he is old enough to call her since he has called her for other things in the past. But what about my four year old daughter?
Later on, I settled down. I really can't think so much about the past anymore. But it's really painful to know she is only ten minutes from me and she doesn't give a crap. She feels she is the right one and she will get everyone to think that as well. She is probably having a ball bad mouthing us to my broth, his girlfriend, or whoever else she can talk to.
It just makes me sick inside.

Baker, am sorry that you've been ill. I hope that you are starting to feel better now?

As for your mum, am sorry, but you have to accept this has happened. I know its not easy, I really do, but you are tormenting yourself. You cant change her, or her behaviour and I really do think it would do you a service if you can accept this. It really will help.. Except the fact that sometimes people do not make any sense, even family, no matter how much you can see what is right or wrong. Please stop tormenting yourself, it has little purpose.

Please do things to cheer yourself up too. Stop watching those sad movies! When you are feeling better, perhaps get yourself and your family out in the sunshine. Go for a picnic, walk or anything together as a unit, and enjoy them. I promise you'll feel better if you focus on the good things in life. Keep yourself busy and stop dwelling on her so much. Bit by bit you'll start to let go of the pain and it will get easier, but you have to help yourself - you are the only one who can. Have you make tracks to see a therapist yet?

Hugs.

It's really painful today, it will be a blessing tomorrow because she is showing you who she really is.
A blessing in disguise, I admit, but in time you might be thinking so too.

DO NOT watch sad movies, DO NOT listen to sad songs, DO NOT remind yourself, over and over again, of all the crap your mother might be into.
Think positive, ONLY positive.
Does it feel fake? Then, Fake it till you make it.

You are still thinking too much about her!
It's time that you start to think about you!

my mother hasn't spoken to me in about ten years, she was not there to support me when i became ill and had to close the nursery school i worked my butt off to open and run so successfully, or when i was caring for then grieving my late partner. she has missed out on my achievements and has no idea how successful i am at present eventhough i am severely disabled.
As far as i know she is happy in her world, happy without me in it, she has my siblings and their families in her life, and sees no reason to involve me at all.

losing a living parent is painful, it hurts like hxxl to think they do not want you, but i see it as her loss, a chance for me to prove i can be successful with out their support which i know makes me a better person than my siblings as i am independent and can survive without relying on family for things...(ok i rely on carers to get me out of bed, but that is different, a physical reliance not an emotional one!)

What I am about to say is going to sound harsh.

But there will come a stage that your pain is no longer your mums fault, its yours. Unless you help yourself to recover from this painful experience, then it's your fault. You are enabling her to ruin your life and your mental health.

Its like that old adage, Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

You need to start asking and accepting help. Reading your posts which all have you thinking, thinking and thinking some more about your mother, letting her hurt you over and over again without even being in contact tells me that you need therapy badly. I've said before, but they really WILL help you change your thinking patterns and teach you some coping methods. I know this because it helped me. Please, for your own sake, and that of your own family, go get some help. You come over as deeply depressed and that alone is a very hard thing to overcome without some help. You need to do this now before you get worse and before you drive your family away. People eventually tend to get tired of trying to help.

I am sorry if I offended as that was not my intention.

Hugs

You know, riotgrrrl, I'm not so sure about that.
We do learn behavioral patterns and unless we are VERY aware of them it is really difficult to stop reproducing them.

Maybe baker's mother implied (too long ago for her to remember) something like: "you take care of me, first, and then i'll take care of you"
If this is the case, or some such thing, baker feels like she is breaking a rule, a very important rule Mom gave her.
Maybe Mum implied that Baker would be a good girl only if she took good care of her mum.
So now she is trying to resist the old habit, but without new patters to rely on, is if she is a ship in the midst of a storm, feeling a bad girl and without the reassurance she relied on for so long.

Hold fast, girls!!
We're going to make it, but sometimes it is rough out there!

You're quite right, I agree. Apologies for any offense. It's so very hard to change a lifetime of habits and their relationship and I can't take that away from you, or Baker. I thought at the time that the adage was not perfect to what I was trying to say, but it was the closest I could think of. I wanted Baker to see that she can take control of her feelings and it will stop hurting so much if she get's some help to accept this and try to change the negative thinking pattern.

I'll shut up now.

Hey Baker!
starting to worry, from this side of the ocean. Are you ok?

((((Baker)))) checking in on you, as well.

Thank you Bonnie and Rose. It is so nice to come on here and read thoughtful concerns. I am ok now. I was not feeling so well and had to visit with two doctors this week. Luckily they both agreed to decrease my medication so I think I'm starting to feel better knock on wood. Today I haven't gotten dressed but I am up and about.
It's been a roller coaster ride, but the funny thing is I'm learning to fight everything and not be such a wimp. I want good memories for my kids, so I'm just sort of taking one day at a time and absorbing them as much as I can.
My mom is always on my mind. Is hard to forget since everywhere I look there are reminders. It's depressing at times, especially this past week, but I've come to realize that what's done is done. I will be sad and I will cry but I need to be a family now with my children. Life is so short. I don't want to be bitter anymore or have bad thoughts. I just have to have faith that perhaps when this baby is born my mom will have some heart left in her to come and visit at the hospital, god willing I make it through. If she doesn't, well I guess I will deal with that when it happens.
I spent this past week so sick just thinking how much I want to live again and just take care of my children. I want so badly to be normal again. I updated my father about my condition and he seemed concerned, I'm sure he will tell my mom everything but I kind of don't care anymore. I appreciate that he wants to know but it's only because I go to him or call him.

That's great news and powerful change in such a sort time: congratulations!!

Keep up the good work which is think about yourself and the life you want to live.

You mother doesn't seem too eager on changing. So whatever her decisions and acts, just remember yourself that you don't really need manipulation and that manipulation is not love.
Though she know not how to love in a different way, you do.

Go ahead!!

I have to admit it is so hard to not feel so bad about things. One minute I feel as if i can
Conquer the world and live happy and the Next I'm a crying mess. I'm learning how to move on with my own family but its not easy. I think that by being sick I have more appreciation of living but i also feel so guilty about not having my parents involved in our lives. I know that she just won't change but I know that if I went to her and dealt with all the junk she will throw at me everything would be "normal" again. I know I can ease the pain that way, but I just don't want to go back to square one again. Yesterday I cried so much it felt like I was mourning a huge loss. I had thoughts about just ending this stupid thing and trying to make up. Deep down I feel like I need her and want her and my dad around. It breaks my heart that I can't have a normal relationship with my dad either.
My daughter says all the time how much she misses her grandma and grandpa. It's so sad.
For now I'm just going to take one day at a time and be happy I'm alive and love my children. But I do pray everyday that my mom comes around. I pray that I can have them back in my life again.

One day at a time, is a sound approach. It is a mourning process.

Everyday I feel differently about the choices I have made or are making. I am so is sick and tired of thinking all the time. I feel so useless. I feel like I have no power in me. Today, I woke up happy, sick, but happy. I spent the entire day cleaning the floor in my house. In no way is my house large, but it just took me forever since I have to take frequent breaks and sit because of my breathing. Anyway, I felt so good knowing I was doing something finally. But as I was doing the cleaning, all I could think about is my mother. At first I was sad because I miss her being around, then came the bad feelings. The evilness seeping through me. Like I wanted to scream and shout at her. Like I wanted her to get told off by me for all the things I know she hurt me for. She would deny deny deny everything and that's what's got me the most. I couldn't stop the anger. I started to carry on the housework like a lunatic. I overdid it. My husband didn't even really notice. I guess he is so wrapped up with work and stress he has no clue what's going on around him. It's frustrating me at times because I get the attitude from him from the work overload stress. Ugh, if its not one it's the other in my life.
Anyway, I got so upset and angry at all these bad thoughts. They wouldn't go away. In my mind I am planning on what I want to say to her if she was In front of me. I was talking to myself today. All these things popped in my head about her. About how she ruined my credit and never even apologized, how she took money from me from my school loan checks, or how she took money that was given to me by my grandmother for her niece and never repaid it. Although, I do remember saying to her not to worry about it, but still she should have at least offered it back. Good god, I was just used. She could say well, for all those years I lived with her I never gave her money, like she gave to he parents when she was a young adult. But I did all the housework and cooking for her most of the time when I lived at home.
I'm going out of my mind. She is making me crazy. How do I stop these feelings? Most of the time lately I have been ok. I mean I have been focused on my kids, but even though I had thoughts of my mother they would come and go and the bad thoughts weren't there as much. Today really was awful. And the evil feelings I had. I kept thinking of my godly bror and how she would never dare to do what she did to me to him. It really is quite painful. I feel so childish having these feelings.
I really have no one to talk to either. My husband is so busy. I just wish he took some time here and there and just said to me " I know your hurting, but you will get through this, Everything will be ok" I guess in my perfect world that would happen.
He really is a good man, but everything seems to be bothering me about him lately. I still have resentment for what happened with my mom and him, and I have horrible resentment about how his children treat us and it goes unnoticed. I'm so over it. I really am. I don't want to argue with him about it but I just can't hold it in at times. Tonight I held it in but I wanted to say I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of your kids coming here and ignoring us and just asking us for money or whatever they need. I guess I don't have the energy this evening to walk in my closet and cry my eyes out by myself.
I guess those are other issues I really don't want to explore right now. I have to clean up my mind and work on the demons I have from my mom. It's terrible, absolutely terrible that I am such a mess. That I can't enjoy life and the people in it because I'm so messed up inside. I just wish I had a magic ball to know what will happen next.

It sounds like your wound is draining, all the bad stuff is coming out. Is there a codependent Anonymous group near you, or ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics? These are like a one dollar donation if you can afford it, and they are kind of like group therapy.

I used to have the same obsessive conversations in my head. They really will stop eventually.