Not sure how i feel about my marriage

Recently I have been having serious internal conflicts about my marriage. A couple months ago I caught my wife sending naked picture to some guy overseas. I was so furious I was ready to move out. I didn't talk to her for four days and as a act of passive aggression I out my wedding ring on her desk as a sign I was done. This is the second time that I have caught her doing something like this.

I was also feeling some guilt, maybe inappropriately. I thought was what she really did that bad? Maybe I ignored her too much and was too preoccupied with school or work. Withdrawing when I am depressed is also something that is common for me. In the previous month I tried opening up to her about my depression and what my struggle is. I felt really vulnarable and scared to share that stuff with her. After doing so, I caught her in the midst of an emotional affair.

A week after all of this happened, she wrote me a letter saying how bad she messed up. She was truely sorry and wanted to fix things. After I read the letter I went and talked to her. I told her everything that is bothering me about the releationship and she seemed really remorseful.

One thing sticks out in my mind though. She self harmed. She scratched her arm and said she sat in the backyard, in the cold to punish herself. She also said she didn't want to live without me. Telling me this also intentisified the guilt for me. We ended up having sex that night. The next day I started to feel depressed. I felt trapped and still do.

I know I used to love her and she meant a lot to me. Recently we went to marriage counseling to try and communicate better and helped some. Recently though when she kisses me and hugs me I don't feel much. She isn't someone I really want to spend time with anymore, and I am also sexually unsatisfied. The last four times we had sex I haven't finished. I just could get there and after an hour I stopped. It may he the meds, but it has been I while since I looked at her body and was turned on. The weight thing is a turn off for me.

One of the recent times we had sex, it was really lack luster. I don't think she was in the mood and she mostly just laid there. Then I couldn't get her emotional affair out of my head, and I just felt disgusted by her. I just stopped. I made some excuse, I don't know why I can't talk to her about this.

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I think I may also have borderline personality disorder. I don't blow up though, I mainly implode, self harm and tear myself down when things get overwhelming.

I don't know how to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I want her and others I want nothing to do with her. Other times I want nothing to do with life, but I think that is mainly the depression cloudling my outlook. I don't know how to figure this out. How do you know if you still love someone and want to be with them? How do I restore trust and faith in the releationship? I am at a loss at the moment.

I also fear if I end things I will slip into a deep depression and screw my life up. For better or for worse, being with her gives me something to live for and a reason to try and keep everything together. I have serious doubts I could live without someone in my life. I think the feelings of emptiness would consume me and I would do something drastic.

I have the urge to go home and talk to my wife and tell her I don't think I can do this anymore. I tried marriage counseling and I tried to be the best I can, but I don't feel it anymore. Maybe I haven't since she first cheated and I was just hanging on because I was scared to be alone.

It may just be that I am depressed at the moment, but she isn't someone I want to spend time with anymore. I feel so much rage and hostility towards her and I can't make it go away. I have little faith that she will take care of her responsibilities and will shove more things on my plate. She constantly complains about everything and I don't find her pleasant to be around. I say I love you to her everyday but in the last week I haven't felt it. They feel like hollow words. I tried treating her the best I can and holding all of my mental issues together the best I could manage it, but I just feel like I want to fall apart.

I don't think I should have anyone in my life. I feel like I am just a miserable person and I doubt I will every be happy. I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone. I always seem to reach some sort of normality and I go back to being depressed. I feel like I have been trying to be something I am not all of my life, and maybe if I am alone for a while I will be able to sort out who I am and what I want out of life. I feel so empty and not fulfilled anymore. The only time in my life when I felt grisly happy was when I was dating my wife and we were infatuated with eachother. We acted like best friends and I felt like things made sense. I don't think my marriage can go back to that point again. I am not the same person I was back then and she is less respnsable than a college student. I don't feel like she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, or even the rest of the week. I don't find her pleasurable to be around. I feel like I have to be someone I am not to keep sane and when I reach out for support it takes a toll on her and my emotional backlash within myself leaves me even more distressed.

There is also the life issues of kids that we are divided on. When I think about it, I don't want them. It may he selfish, but I don't think I can emotionally cope with children. I think I would lose it. Also, I have always thought I would end my own life. I know that is bad to say, but having depression, past suicides attempts and possible BPD make this a strong possibilty. I know I can control my actions and suicide isn't a solution to things, but I think it is a risk for me. I am in therapy and have a psychiatrist now to work on my meds, so maybe I will feel better soon. I dunno, part of me wants happeness and the other part of me feels like I don't deserve it. I feel like an awful person and I have no reason to feel this way, but I can't shake those feelings.

I wonder if I am doing either one of us a service by hanging onto this releationship. Maybe I should have never had sex that night or even read her letter. I have little hope that I will be happy in my releationship again, and the best I could do is pretend. What kind of life is that for me. She is still you and maybe she will find someone to give her the kid she wants. I just want to walk away from this.

Adam - what you are saying makes sense to me. So many phrases ring out that this is not working for you and it is fear and guilt that kept you there in recent times. I would feel the same way based on her behaviours - she wasn't there for you when the chips were down. She behaves as a self-indulgent child, which would be okay sometimes if it didn't take precedence over caring for the relationship, but it does. That is where I would draw a line. Then there's the repeated cheating. Ai-ai-ai. When you heal from this, I think there is a good chance you will find someone else and even if not that, make a happier life for yourself.

I didn't want kids either, and I don't care if someone thinks it's selfish. It's definitely a deal-breaker in marriage relationships!

You survived engineering school. You have strengths. Despite her redeeming human qualities, she is undermining you. It's a toxic relationship.

Thanks for saying that. It is hard to sort things out when I am up and down so much. Recently I just feel so frustrated and alone. It is a starnge feeling to be married and feel this way.

I wonder how much of your depression can be contributed recently by your wife. It could be that your f feeling that you don't deserve happiness and perhaps even the feeling that you don't want children may change if you were with a loving, faithful lady? Please remember that its is always better to be alone than with the wrong person. It really is true.

I do feel for you. I don't know how you can bounce back as a couple from this with all that has happened. I don't think I could trust someone who cheated on me once, let alone twice. From all you write, it sounds like you've made up your mind and that you've had enough. You know what? I think you should be proud of yourself by sticking by her for so very long with all the things she has done, and even more proud of yourself that you carried on recently with therapy. Therapy doesn't always save a relationship, but it can give you the knowledge and the strength to know when to call it quits.

Hugs

(((Adam)))

I recall your posts in another section of this site a couple (or few??) months ago, and I've got to say that I am concerned about you. Within a relatively short amount of time, you've found out that your wife has cheated online twice now. Before you even knew about that, something about a lack of connection between yourself and your wife was hounding you emotionally.

I think that it's good you are seeing a T. I hope that it's helping you work through your emotions and thoughts more clearly...making you look at your position in life with better understanding. It sounds as though you are spending a lot of time trying to figure things out between your wife and yourself, and I give you kudos for that!

I don't want to sway you either stay or go ~ I want you to do what you feel is right for you. But, try to back up a little bit and look at the entire situation with a wise mind. (A combination of emotional and reasonable mind) Write out a list of pros and cons of the issue/s haunting you. Talk with your T about how you feel from that point and try to determine what the "wise thing" to do is. Are you hurting yourself by staying in the marriage? Are you hurting your wife? What is really the most important factor/s to you?

In my experience, breaking the distress situation down as much as possible (without going too far & simply complicating matters) really helps a person figure out what the right thing is for them to do & feel better about their situation. It may not be an easy task, but you will feel better once you do it! The dread will no longer have that power over you (which is a great relief).

I hope that my post helps you challenge yourself to look at things from a more clear perspective and make the wise decision/s that you need to make to relieve the stress that you feel inside.

I don't think I am hurting my wife by staying. I mean I'm not yelling at her or anything like that. Last night after work I just went home and went to sleep. I was feeling really depressed and didn't have the energy do to anything. I just wanted to be alone and recharge. I only said a couple of words to her when I got home. I took my insomnia meds and went upstairs and watched some Netflix on my phone until I feel asleep. She came upstairs because she was concerned about me. I just said I felt negative about everything and wanted to sleep. Part of me wanted to say I dont want to be with you anymore and another part of me questioned those feelings. I think I am just going to try and work it out with my T and be able to sort out what is best for me.

My wife has a hard time dealing with my depression. She feels helpless. That used to make me feel worse, but yesterday I just didn't care. She isn't the one who feels this way. It was easier when it was just something I held inside. I feel like when I reach out to her, she falls short. I don't think she is able to help me, or anyone for that matter except for people that are trained in dealing with it, or people that have been there and have the emotional strength deal with it. Telling her how bad I feel and then bringing her down with me makes me hate myself. That self hatred leads me to do self defeating stuff. Self harm, speeding, slacking off at work, lack of interest in responsibilities. Not that I am blaming her for any of that, they are my choices and I chose to do things that aren't good for myself.

It is hard to figure things out when I flip flop between putting her on a pedastel and going to the point where I think she is completely awful and no good. I know in reality she is somewhere between those, I just don't know where and if I want that in my life. I think this decision is one I need to full evaluate before I make any impulsive decisions.

I don't think any decision you will make will be impulsive,as you've come this far and thought of everything already. I also don't want to sway you into any decision either, but I can't understand these relationships with others online. I do believe things can be worked on, with marriage counseling or doc and T's. I had a boss who once said"love is like the wind, it comes and goes." Don't hurt yourself please, even if you leave your wife there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you could discover new and different feelings with another. You may even enjoy being single. Maybe if you're on meds they could be raised in dosage for the depression?

I don't have any plans on hurting myself. I think it is just my minds way of coping, wanting to find some way out of all the overwhelming emotions. Just trying to take things a day at a time and focus on something to keep myself occupied. I see my pdoc Friday for the first time and maybe he will have some meds that may help.

I never bought into the chemical imbalance thing. I think the meds are just trial.and error and they noticed people seem less depressed on them. I also think that BPD is a good possibility for me and would explain why antidepressants don't seem to work. I think therapy is where I may learn to find for balance and ways to understand how to cope. I plan into looking into shy. There is a group therapy in town that discusses it. From what I read it seems like it may help me.

Hi Adam ~ I too have "major depressive disorder" or clinical depression, and I know you said you don't buy into the chemical imbalance thing -- but believe me, it sure has made a difference for me!

I've been depressed since I was a very small child -- about 4 or 5. I didn't get treatment until I was in my 20's. So as I child, I isolated most of the time, staying in my room with the lights off. When I finally did get therapy my psychiatrist said that of course I needed therapy, but that I also needed medication! So I've been on medication for 40 years - and it's made a world of difference. I did go off at one time, and I immediately sank into the pits of hell! I never want to do that again.

So I do think there are those of us who do have an imbalance. Without meds, I'm just "off the charts."

I hope they put you on something that works! You've been suffering for a long time! God bless and keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

Trial seperation ? As in one of you moves out... You need time to breathe and allow yourself time to decide what you need to do for your life. I know in the past you posted about her inability to work and be any where close to be responsible, has that changed?

Don't beat yourself up.

It has slightly changed. She is watching her nephews now and it was ok for the first few weeks then her aunt didn't have all of the money and now my wife's bank account is overdrawn. I offered to give her the money then realized I didn't have it to give. She still hasn't found a permanent job.

She cooks dinner everyday, but that is about the extent of her responsibilities.

I just question if I feel this way because I am depressed or if the releationship is what I want anymore, or if it was ever what I wanted. Maybe i was just happy in the beggining because someone wanted me, and I don't think that is a good thing. I don't think I have ever been happy with myself or what I have done. I have always felt an emptiness, like no matter what I do I can't feel good about myself. When we dated it made me feel whole, like things made sense and I felt better about myself.

Maybe that was the trap. I think I should have saught treatment a long time ago instead of burying everything down and trying to seem like I was ok, even when I wasn't.

I think I need find a sense of self and figure out who I am. I think my whole life I have had my feeelings invalidated so I just started pretending to be what people expected of me. She asked me to marry her. I think part of me wondered why. Why would anyone want to spend thier life with me. I said yes, then later bought a ring and asked her to marry me at the lplace we meet.
I know those thoughts aren't logical, but it is how I feel.

Yeah .. You need to take care of you. Your treating your depression and doing Therapy, and that is what must be done. You have a life full of issues to wade through ( same here so I understand)

I hope you can take the time you need to heal and find out if this marriage is what you want and need.

The "honeymoon" phase in a relationship is fantastic ! But that does fade and thats when you can really see a life with or without someone.

Take care of you

Adam,

Since you do not find her pleasant to be with (a very basic requirement, on the most basic level), you probably should not be with her, unless you believe that your depression colors your impression of her and without the depression you might find her pleasant to be with.

Also, you are very firm and clear on not wanting to have children, and she is equally firm and clear on wanting to have children, and to the extent that it is a deal breaker, she would be better off alone and available for others who share her plans on having children. I am not saying that to create a sense of urgency in you - she is still young and so the issue of getting pregnant is not yet on fire for her.

I think my depression clouds my judgement. When I wrote that she is unpleasant to be around it is how I felt at the time, but I don't think it is the truth. Sometimes she complains and gripes about things, but that is how she deals with things. I have a hard time seeing gray areas. When I original made this lost I was in a really bad mood and I think I mostly hated her at the time.

I don't feel like that anymore. I mean I don't hate her at the moment. Feeling this way makes it very difficult to process. It feels like my emotions are very unregulated and I they go to the extreme and then to the other extreme. I think that is why I used to just push everything down and rely on logic to guide my actions. I know she should be somewhere in the middle.

There are problems still, but they aren't insurmountable. She needs to be more responsible and find a permanant job. Babysitting her nephews is paying her loans right now, but it isn't a permanent solution.

It is hard to know how to feel when one day I love her and want to be around her, and the next day I hate her and want nothing to do with her. It makes me feel unhinged. I used to just cope by treating her the best I could and ignoring all the negative feelings I had. I guess that is how I used to cope with it, just looking at the positives of how I felt and discounting the negatives. I just don't know how to cope with those intense emotions and find stable ground.

Perhaps you should be posting about your marriage in the BPD forum. I have seen other posts from you in that forum. As a person with BPD as well (or someone with strong BPD tendencies, if you prefer to look at it that way), I can assure you that we often have difficulty in regulating our emotions and figuring out what the "right thing" to do is. A very common effect leads to difficulty managing relationships. Those few relationships that we do have are very rocky.

We can sometimes hold those intense fears down inside of ourselves and use tools to help us get through the moments. A lot of times, we blow up ~ internally and externally. How we let ourselves react emotionally really complicates life. Finding some peace and solace to hold onto in times of desperation, to get ourselves more balanced is a huge help! It doesn't solve the problems for us, no,....but, it does keep us from making rash decisions & hurting ourselves more (and others).

I don't think that I will ever know who I am or what I want in the future. I have struggled with that for as long as I've been alive! But, I do know a few things that I really care about. I hope to get to know a few more. People ~ well, people are just really confusing to me. It is overwhelming to even consider...my thoughts just go on and on, like numbers! It's too much.

I hope that you are understanding what I am trying to say. I get a little lost sometimes. What I am trying to say is that I understand how you're going up and down on the extremes with your wife. It is very difficult to know how you actually feel because you question everything that you think and feel in between the bursts of emotion.

I think Shezbut is clearly right.

Adam, it does not seem to be 'depression clouding your judgment'. It seems that you go from one extreme to the other due to BPD.

ADAM

U have had ur advice from the others...all pretty good...
ur story rings a bell to me....i cheated on my husband...in thought if not in deed.....twice....he caught me and he implodes and he is diagnosed with depression.
so u see y i am writing to u.

im not saying ur wife is right.....but i wont ***** about her either.. all i wanna say is...u shudnt feel guilty.

since our situation is the same....lemme tell u...that last night FINALLY my husband chose to speak rather than brush things under the carpet...he loves me...i love him....we dont want a diorce though....but there is this huge hurdle.....my cheating on him......and the fact that he shud learn to trust me again....doesnt help we have a long distance relationship....

but...dont beat urself up about something she did...it happenned not cuz u neglected her....it happ cuz it just did....

address the problem...PLEASE if u want to fix it...

communication is the key....

my husband and i have decided to take a break but not break up....by the end we will know where we stand....

dont let the wife guilt trip u....please.

She isn't intentionally trying to use guilt to manipulate me. It is mostly a conflict of emotions for me. When she cheated the second time, I wanted nothing more to do with her. I was so angry, Not that I was yelling at her or outside of saying how much she screwed up. At that moment I immensely hatred her and I felt like she was completely no good with no value to be in a relationship with. I planned on moving out.

About a week later I cooled down some and we talked. We had a 3 hour talk about all the things I didn't like about the relationship, and what was bothering me. At that moment I had some hope and I felt like she could do better with her choices and actions.

Since then I bounce back and fourth from wanting this to work and not. From being happy with her and then not liking her. It wouldn't be as frustrating if there was a reason.

I think for a long time I just quit listening to my emotions and tried relying on what seems rational to do. I think it was my way to cope with all the strong emmotions and not mess all my relationships up (romantic, work and personal). With therapy and all the internal conflict from the affair, I feel all my emotions all the time, except when everything goes emotionally numb then I don't really like that. Maybe therapy will help me learn how to process all of them and feel better about my life.

Hi Adam.

Understand Adam, you're still emotionally recovering from the affair...the timing of it, I don't think, could've been any worse. You took a step in opening yourself up to her regarding your depression, and very shortly thereafter she committed a grievous abuse of that trust. A wound like that takes much time to heal.

On the positive side though, you do seem both very committed to working things out, which is good...I don't "like," so to speak, her harming herself as a show of remorse to you, but I think that's her way of trying to communicate to you that she is indeed genuinely sorry and remorseful, which is a huge step in trying to reconcile things. You, I think, by virtue of simply still being there and being willing to listen and work with things are showing above and beyond the dedication needed to work past something like this.

It takes time though...wounds like this heal slowly, unfortunately. You're both going to have to work at rebuilding the lost trust...her by reassuring you that she can be trusted, and you by being willing to accept it (which is harder than it sounds). For now, try not to worry too much on the sex...I think a lot of your problems you mentioned sexually are rooted in the emotional rather than the sexual (though if the weight is indeed a turn off...understand, I have ZERO experience in approaching this, and I hope I don't sound insensitive to her or others, but maybe you two could do something together that'd...err...help address that? Maybe going hiking together? Kill two birds with one stone....). Focus on recovering what it was that made you fall for her in the first place, and then go from there. "Re-date," if you will. I think the rest will fall into place in time.

Hugs,
Harley

good luck, mostly opposite prob here. Not fun!

How do you know if you don't love someone any more? I asked myself that same question a few years back with my sons dad. Whenever we were affectionate it just felt empty. I felt empty. I cared about him but it just didn't feel right any more. He'd never done anything wrong, nothing to trigger these feelings off, I think we just grew apart. Or I grew apart from him. I was very young when we met (16) and think I changed a lot over those 11 years. What I decided to do was to have a break from us. He stayed first with a friend then with his mum. I realised that I was happier with us apart and that made my decision for me so we split permanently. He didn't want that and I felt awful because I was hurting him, but it was the right thing to do. That's how I answered that question for myself. Maybe some time apart would bring some clarity to you? I can relate to your feelings on what she did, my husband now did similar and I was devastated. Emails and naked pictures to some random woman, I too was ready to walk but I do really love him and believe it was a terrible mistake on his part. It's not easy working through it, and I feel so much rage towards him at times, but what we have is worth fighting for. I know in my gut if I ended things with him it would be the biggest mistake of my life because I'd be letting someone I truly love go and I don't think that's worth it over one mistake. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild, but it can be done. If I were in your shoes, I'd take a break from her and see how I felt. If it felt wrong then maybe I'd know we had a good thing worth working on, if not, then I'd end things for good and work on myself and finding true happiness with someone once I felt more stable.
I think the only way to know your true feelings for her is to take her out of the equation for a while because you sound smothered by conflicting feelings both about her and yourself. Don't doubt your strengths, I think a lot of the time people doubt they'll manage on their own because having someone around is what they're used to. It is scary at first, change isn't always easy, but it could serve you well. It could also bring newfound confidence and strength within you which I think is important in any relationship too. Independence, knowing you can rely on yourself. Don't stick with someone who makes you miserable, but be sure you're not throwing away something that may just need a little work. Test the water

She doesn't make me miserable really. What she did was completely soul shattering for me and I think I would have her stabbed me that betray my trust like she did. For most of my marriage I have had pleasant memories of her. I can see her side of things. I think it would be difficult to he my spouse. For the last 7 years I have been working and going to school and lacked a lot of time to spend with her. Those things were necessary for me to get a good job and be successful, but I can imagine how she must have felt unimportant. To top that off when I get depressed I tend to withdraw and close in which puts even more space between us. I don't agree with what she did, but I can see how she was missing a connection and wanted to feel loved and I was too busy to provide what she was needing but didn't tell me. I think it mostly boils down to lack of communication and not expressing eachothers needs.

We talked a week ago to get her side of things on a message I saw that I didn't like. I think I saw it out of conext and I can believe it looked worse than what it was. She also talked about how I close her off and how it makes her feel like I don't love her and she has the same fears I do. I talked to her about how my feelings switch for her, back and fourth from one extreme to another. For better or for worse she knows. I don't like that my feelings change like that, and it is confusing to feel that way, and I am sure it is worse for her. To love someone and not have them love you back, for seemingly no reason. She says she cries herself to sleep sometimes because she doesn't know if I want to stay or go. She says most of the time she doesnt know how to cope. She waits until I get home to see if I am happy or not. I don't know what to tell her but the truth and how I feel at that moment. Sometimes it is love and affections and other times I want nothing to do with her and withdraw.

She also said she doesn't want things to end. She can't see a life for herself without me. One thing she said troubled me and I don't know what to do about it, except talk about it in therapy. She told me if I left her, she wouldn't have a reason to live and wouldn't know how to make it alone.

I think there is two ways to interept that. One she is lying and using a sensitive subject to manipulate me, or she would be so distraught about being alone she couldn't cope. I think it is more the second. I don't think she could make it alone.

There is something important that make me want to stay and work things out. She tries the best she can to help me and wants to be there for me. She has seen the worse of my depression and knows all about it and still loves me. I don't know if I would be able to find someone who would want to have a spouse that has that, and want to help. It sounds good in theory and there are caring people out there, but I have a marriage that can provide that and has hope to be better. I don't even know how to start to look for that. Do you fall in love with someone and then say or by the way "sometime in the future I know I will feel depressed and probable lack motivation for anything." I know depression is a genuine illness like anyhing else, but it does but hardhsips on releationships, and Sarah is will to help me better deal with that.

She can also look past my scars from self harm. I feel a lot of guilt and shame for them and I don't know if I could explain it to someone new. I feel ok about them with her, and I dont feel self consious about hiding them. I know it pains her to see them, and the recent self harm has hurt her to see, but she doesn't make me feel bad for doing it. I think I would shut down if I opened up to someone about it, and they got aggressive or made me feel bad for it.

We are still in marriage counseling and things have been good the last week after our talk. I feel better about things at the moment.

Adam, I totally agree with you.

Suicidal threats are manipulative per se, and to pull that one on a person who has suffered from a lot of suicidality himself would have been horrendously manipulative, beyond belief! I do not think that Sarah meant THAT.

She really, truly, objectively cannot make it alone. That is the truth. That is the reality. So... it is your choice as to what to do about it, but that is what it is - she would not be able to support herself.

the best to adam. can really relate, tho all situs and couples diff. stil struggling at times w similar circumstances. the best to you!