On the verge of something stupid:HELP

I need to open up to someone. Fast I need advice,Please.
I am 44 yrs old and a recovering drug addict(pills)I got into a relationship with my nieces boyfriend it has been going on for 2 yrs. He approached me and I declined until I got on the pills. He gave me pot to stay away from the pills
I ended up in detox from the pills. I have had a few strays but I no longer do pills but I do do pot. He gave it to me up till a few days ago when My niece told my daughter who lives in AZ (I'm in NC) that I was "*****ing around" with married men. I had to tell my daughter that it was my nieces boyfriend I was sneaking out to see. I also rent a trailor from him and its right in front of his and my nieces trailor.He would sneak over after she went to sleep at least 3 times a week.
My daughter says I am a ***** and that I should not have done that to My niece.Now I'm the bad one and shes getting all the pity.
and he won't even look my way.
Please someone answer me if I don't have some kind of communication and symathie from someone maybe the next world will be better
My daughter is my world now I don't have her and I need to get myself back to the old me before drugs
I tried suside once I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to fight it this time.
HELP PLEASE

Hi,
Welcome to the forum, it was a good for you to take time out and stop here. First, okay you made a big mistake, but that is no reason to feel you need to turn to suicide!! Please try to talk to a therapist even if you have to go to your local hospital to get one, you may be able to talk to a social worker if a therapist is not available. You need to get professional help right now, then if possible try to get your niece, her boyfriend and whoever else was involved with this and have a long talk to try to iron this all out. If it doesn't work the next best thing is try to move away and start over, you are never too old! I am 45, I know. So please get some professional help right of way, from there you will recieve proper help and advice, do not delay!! AND DON'T think of suicide, you have many good years left to live, many of mysteries lie before you, I've been there and choosing to go on was a better choice. Keep in touch with us here, let us know how things go.
"darkeyes"

Hi and welcome. It's important you know that whenever you have feelings of suicide please call a suicide hotline in your area or go to your local emergency room or call your doctor. They will be able to help you immediately. There is also a link at the website you are currently at that is about suicide. See the blue link at the bottom of the page (psychecentral). I'm sorry that things are going so very horrible for you but they can improve. You need to take steps for things to get better, remember that. Many of us have been where you are at or are there now, too.

I, too, think you need to see a counselor to get the help you need. If you could stay with someone supportive I think that would help you, too. Try to just focus on getting yourself some good help now. Try to keep your mind off everything else besides getting your life in order and take care of you-#1. Take care. CQ

<font color=orange>"I must lose myself in action,
lest I wither in despair."

Lord Tennyson</font color=orange>

Hang in there! I know what tough times feel like, as I'm going through some of my own... but I have a sliver of hope for each day, and I take literally one day at a time. I can't say I haven't had the same thoughts as you from time to time in my life, but I'm still here because of being able to come to places like this where it's good just to let it all out. Knowing that there are so many kind people willing to listen, to lend their support, and just be there for you, well, it helps you decide to live one more day, ya know?

I can't promise things will get better, maybe they will even get worse first. The good news is that eventually, there will be a light to the end of the tunnel and you've just got to hang on to that hope and belief.

John

Exactly!! There is light, I've been through 2 horrible years, having times that I thought I couldn't last another day, but some how, some way, (with the help of a fine psychologist and psychiatrist) I made it !!! I am still working at it day after day. Like you I came close to that "final departure", but I reached out for help, and found that light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up!!
"darkeyes"

Thanks to all who replied and keep talking to me. I am moving to my Moms who is the only support I have right now. I have been seeking help in the mental health center in my location. I have alredy saw all the personal on staff there in the past few nears so its not like talking to strangers,but I feel I have made some new friends here and welcome any advice I get.
Maybe my daughter will find it in her heart to forgive me but for now our comunnactions have stopped. Thats the worse thing about all this.I have lost the respect of my daughter.
But do any of the ppl I know have the right to question ever date I have or every place I go I am 44 and I should have a right to my privacy.
Again tks for replying and please keep talking to me

Sure will
"darkeyes"

I hope it works out well at your mom's. It's nice to have a supportive mother. Yes, you are old enough to not be questioned in everything you do. Your daughter shouldn't be so harsh on you, too. What can you do about her right now, though, not much. She may understand somehow someday or at least realize we all make some decisions we regret. But the only thing you really can do now is just what you are doing. Going to a more supportive place and getting some help.

The influence of drugs can impair our judgement for sure. Sometimes we do things we would not do in our "right" minds. We still are the only one who can change our lives for ourselves, though, by taking one step at a time. Best wishes. CQ

<font color=orange>"I must lose myself in action,
lest I wither in despair." Lord Tennyson</font color=orange>

Hey. I am not a psychatrist but I was a cousellor for a while. I have been right where you are. Not in the same circumstances but definatley the same feelings. I remember the feelings of hopelessness and panic. The feelings of utter dispair. I met a wonderful friend who said to me one day, "The most important person on this planet right now, is you. There is no one like you. There never will be again. You are unique in the same way that we all are. Look after yourself. Love yourself. Care for yourself and you will inspire others to treat you the same way." I have never forgotten that because it turned out to be so true. The same is true for you. Accept what you have done wrong. Never accept blame or guilt for what you have not done wrong. When others put you down remember that it is their problem and not yours. There is no need for you to own it. Repair you errors by repairing the source of those errors. ie, yourself. Look at what you have achieved in yor life and be thankful that you have done what you could. Pat your self on the back for being brave enough to admit fault and seek help. Many don`t. Then stride out again to be better than yesterday (my motto). You will be because you care. You are the only person on the planet like you. Utterly unique. With all your faults and failings you are still worth loving, so learn to love yourself and to forgive your errors. You are not perfect but you are speacial. When you realise that, so will those around you. I wish you well.

Beautifully said, Neo! Even if this reply was to someone else, As I have been feeling not-so-good I found your words to be very inspiring, even if they were someone elses. That's a great way to look at things, I'd say. Thanks!

<font color=orange>"I must lose myself in action,
lest I wither in despair." Lord Tennyson</font color=orange>

its been a while since I have been here. I am at my Moms now.I go to a rape sovior group once a wk I was in the Phsysic Ward for 7 days. The sucidal thing.
They uped my meds(Pazil) from 20mgs to 30mgs.
My daughter still blames me for her life going wrong now. I was never a mother she said,she was the mother and now I'm the daughter.
I think she is just blaming me for her life not going so well now.
Me and my Mom are not doing so good either we both sleep like 20 hrs a day. No use to get up anymore.

<font color=blue>Hi. Sorry to hear things have been going badly for you. I went through a time not too long ago when I was sleeping many hours of the day, too. I have someone in my family who has a bad attitude toward me, too. It often had me down, too, but I'm trying not to let it. Funny thing, something else just happened where this family member did another thing to put me down again. Or so it seemed.

I'm just going to look at it like it's his problem and not mine. I'm trying to but it still hurts. I was wondering today if my family will all ever treat me like I deserve to be treated-good. But if I hold my breath I may turn blue. I've decided that I'm going to try and find support and friends elsewhere.

There is good support here, too. How about reading some posts here and just seeing what's happening. We care here and we "hear" you. Hope you'll come here more often and I hope things will get better for you. Sincerely, CQ</font color=blue>

<font color=blue>"Real glory springs from the silent conquest of ourselves." Joseph P. Thompson</font color=blue>

<font color=red>"Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression." Isaac Bashevis Singer</font color=red>

<font color=purple>"Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes." James A. Froude</font color=purple>

tk you curly,It's bad when you think theres no reason to go on. I'm just waiting for the next heartattack,maybe this will end all the pain. I'm at my lowest,I though when I was in detox that was my lowest,but ppl won't let the past die they don't see the good in me only my past mistakes and how am I supposed to forgive me if they don't leave it alone. I want to start new but the past keeps slaping me in the face.
What tomorrow holds is a mystery I will have to go through.Again tks for caring

Glad you're trying. Sometimes I feel it's best to distance myself from those who gnaw at me in some way. Then if I focus on doing something good for myself and making myself feel better it counteracts the hurt somewhat.

I relate to what you are going through very much. I got involved in support groups and away from those who were jabbing and nagging at me. When I got away from them I felt much better. I also tried not to keep focusing on them because it would put me in the pits of depression. I mean I'd think about them for awhile and then tell myself to go do something to make me feel worthwhile.

You are a worthwhile person and there is much hope for you! Did you ever hear the saying "God didn't make any junk?" Well, it's true. Don't know if you believe in god. If not then I'll just say that no one is junk, we all are valuable and have something to offer. I know it feels real bad right now but try to believe it can and will get better eventually, ok? I hope you'll keep posting and be a part of the forums here. We need you and want you to be here. CQ

<font color=blue>"Real glory springs from the silent conquest of ourselves." Joseph P. Thompson</font color=blue>

<font color=red>"Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression." Isaac Bashevis Singer</font color=red>

<font color=purple>"Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes." James A. Froude</font color=purple>

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice from the others on this board. I hope things start to turn around for you. If you family is not supportive, maybe you should try to get away from them. It is good that your mom is there for you, but maybe she is bringing you down, too. Have you ever thought of family therapy or therapy with your daughter so the 2 of you can discuss the issues that are there? You say your daughter blames you for her life and is not forgiving you for things you have done. Have you actually asked for her forgiveness?Just remember you have the power to change your actions. Be strong and seek help. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

I'm sitting here trying to hold it together.I just got a terrible email from my daughter.Last night we did talk on the computer then her husband calls me and tells me she has run away. I had to beg him to go find her but since she won't talk to me he told her I called her fat and now she relly doesn't want any communication from me at all. But after the things she said I really don't care. She said she didn't want her future children to have a crazy grandmother.
She has got Moma scared of me now and my sister is threathing to have me put away.
I only have the support of my theripy group and they told me today when I went that I also need individual sessions which I will gladly do.Who in there right mind would want to feel the way I do.Pleses respond I need the encouragment

Hi. That's great you are going to a support group and going to get into individual therapy! I think you need a personal support person as such. Many of us do at different points in our life. I have one, too. It should help make your life more bearable. I don't know what else to say at the moment but I wish you much success and hope things improve for you. CQ

<font color=purple>"Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes." James A. Froude</font color=purple>

<font color=blue>"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey." Stephen Covey </font color=blue>

<font color=orange>"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." Lord Byron</font color=orange>

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Why did your husband tell your daughter that? I think your group session is good for you. Maybe you need time off from all of your family. They are not being supportive at all. Can you join any community groups to meet people who are outside of your family? Maybe a book discussion group at the library or something like that. I really think distancing yourself from your family may be helpful. Maybe you could ask your group what they think?