[3xjj]

I am struggling. My ex-boyfriend will not speak to me AT ALL. We broke up about 4.5 months ago. I can't accept that he won't talk to me, I'm terribly confused, and I'm so depressed I often think I want to end my life.

Everyone says, just move on. I can't. I have zero hope for having a relationship in the future. For one, I have social anxiety and avoidance. It is VERY difficult for me to meet people and form relationships. It rarely happens; I am mostly alone. For two, I am attracted to men with intelligence and ambition. These types of guys tend to "have it together" and don't want to be involved with women who have mental illness. For three, I don't believe its possible for someone to love me as I am, with my personality disorder.

When I was with my boyfriend, my life had meaning and purpose. While I still had difficulty getting my emotional needs met, the rest of the relationship was great. I was basically happy for the first time in my life. He was still fawning over me in December and January and even said, in late January, although I was a lot of work, I was worth it. Then in mid to late February, he bailed out because of the "stress."

Because I have so few friends, I need his presence in my life in some way. I have remained friends with other exes. The complete shut out by him is agonizing. At the beginning of the break up, I was struggling a lot, so I probably scared him with my crying and emotions. However, I have changed my behavior. I don't text him anything long, heavy, romantic, or emotional. Just casual stuff. Also things that build him up ("You are worthy of good things" - his self esteem is very low). I still get nothing.

I know everyone is going to say, don't contact him at all, get on with your life. This just isn't an option for the reasons I mentioned. I need him as a friend. Why can't he even respond with a "Thank you, I hope you are doing well?" Why does he not even want to be my friend? At the beginning, he said he wanted to be my friend. At the end, he said he wanted to be my friend. A few months ago, he said he wanted to be my friend like Joe and Mike are. Yet he gives me nothing but silence. He has completely shut me out. I feel terribly rejected and lonely, and I can't move forward (by the way, I am taking medication and going to therapy multiple times a week.)

[glok]

Hello, 3xjj. You are fighting a losing battle.

Is professional help an option?

I wish you well.

[A Red Panda]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt.

But all you are doing is harrassing him, which will never, ever, get you what you want. The more you push and prod and bother him, the less likely he is to ever respond or ever want to try and start a friendship. Sometimes people need time after a breakup before they can be friends - the exes whom I'm friends with, I needed to have space from them for months and months. You're refusing his need and desire for space, which is hugely disrespectful of you. If he does ever respond, it'll be in anger and you will just feel even more hurt.

People change, and people can be jerks and they will say things that they might mean just at that second, but don't really mean it as they don't actually think about it.

There's a lot in your post that I hope you are addressing with your therapist: you don't NEED to have him in your life - you want to have him in your life (there is a huge difference there). You say you have zero chance for a relationship in the future - the only reason why this is true is because you are obsessing over your ex. You say that intelligent/ambitious men will never want to be with you due to your PD - well, I'm with a very ambitious lawyer and he's alright with my bp2 . You say that you can't meet people or form relationships easily - sure it's hard, but you met your ex at some point, and you met your friends at some point. You can meet others at some point too!

You're right that I am telling you to stop contact with him - but I'm pointing it out from his perspective - you are harrassing him and totally ignoring his wants and needs. You can't force him to have contact with you. You are showing him more and more disrespect. That's why you need to stop.

[waiting4]

Panda's post is brilliant and totally correct, and although it may hurt you to hear it, please take her advise. She's absolutely right, IMO

[3xjj]

What about my needs and feelings? He knows I struggle with loneliness and depression. He broke my heart with no good reason. He has a need for space to deal with his feelings, well, I have a need for communication. I have a need for someone who said they cared about and loved me to show some regard for my wellbeing. If I have to suffer not contacting him all the time, can't he occasionally suck up some discomfort and talk to me? That's crap that I have to respect his feelings and he doesn't have to have any respect for mine. I helped and cared for him a lot. At the very least, he should have some concern for me. I hardly see that "Have a good day" is harassment. Why is it all about him? And still, no one has said why he is behaving this way. Because he needs to heal? What does he need to heal from? He's the one that abandoned me.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist multiple times a week, because your thoughts lean toward the irrational side atm or maybe they're just immature? Idk just observing not judging...

Sorry, I'm not being mean, just making an honest yet blunt observation.

Why is it about his needs and not about your needs?

Well that's simple really.

His needs are based on the present, you two are no longer together and thus any unwanted communication from you, can be seen as harrassment yes.

Your needs are based on the past, and since he's not agreeing to stick to the arrangement of being friends, your needs are unfortunately for you, not his problem anymore.

You 2 are exes, not current anythings. Once people split up, they cease to owe eachother anything. Unless marriage money and kids are involved, but that's a different kettle of fish altogether.

Now, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but the truth can't always be wrapped in rainbow pooping unicorns.

I've been where you are, it hurts like hell to be shut out without an explanation, to be ignored no matter the nature of your communication. It hurts... but its not healthy for either of you for you to continue this obsessive behaviour. Any chance that he could or would be your friend post break up is being diminished with each text you send. You are pushing him further and further away, not drawing him closer.

If your stablity played any role in his decision to end the relationship (like mine did) then the incessant communicating to someone who's ignoring you just wreaks of more instability and not less. Thus it makes even a friendship seem like a bad idea to him...

Panda was right on the money, you need to stop this behaviour, before he blocks you or says something hurtful. Which will only lead to you feeling sO much more worse.

You don't need him, you need oxygen, food, sleep, water etc. Him? He's a desirable addition to your life, don't get your wants and needs mixed up. You're experiencing enough turmoil as it is.

Also, as an aside, just because someone chooses to end a relationship doesn't mean they are exhempt from heartbreak. One of the most painful things I did was end a relationship. And even though it was the right thing to do, it hurt like a MOFO and took me months to get over...

[3xjj]

I find the words irrational and immature to be judgmental. I think if it were me, I might have said something along the lines of "Maybe you could think of things like this..." and then present your viewpoint.

My thoughts are different. Not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is common for someone who is depressed. In addition, I don't believe in those common clichés - "You'll find someone better", "You're better off without him", "It just wasn't meant to be", etc. Just because people say that, to instill hope, it doesn't make it true. People want to believe those things, like they want to believe in God, because it makes coping with reality and pain easier.

Also, I fully believe he DOES owe me something. When you say you care about someone, when you say you love them, when you lead them to believe you have a future, say you'll be their friend, you don't get just to say one day, without barely an explanation, "Oops, sorry, my mistake." If you make a mess, you clean it up. There is such a thing as accountability and responsibility. If someone counted on me, I wouldn't just abandon them. We don't live in a vacuum. Our actions and inactions have an impact on others.

You make it seem like its OK for him just to make us exes one day and to totally negate everything else... to whirl through my life like a tornado and just walk away with no concern about my wellbeing. Its not. And on top of that, I'm supposed to be respectful of his feelings. I have changed my behavior significantly. As I mentioned, I no longer ask him questions about our relationship, talk to him about anything serious or emotional, make him feel bad in any way, etc. I HAVE considered and respected his feelings... all but the complete no contact. Has he considered mine? Evidently not. And I hear you all saying he shouldn't have to.

Personally, I think the no contact thing when you dump someone is not mature (I understand it for the dumpee) and an easy escape from having to deal with difficult conversations and feelings. There are some psychologists who agree with me, too.

If anything, what you all have probably made me realize indirectly is that he is an uncaring, unempathetic, irresponsible, selfish jerk to completely abandon me when he knows what he did/said and what I struggle with. THAT may be a reason not to pursue a friendship with him...

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by 3xjj

What about my needs and feelings? He knows I struggle with loneliness and depression. He broke my heart with no good reason. He has a need for space to deal with his feelings, well, I have a need for communication. I have a need for someone who said they cared about and loved me to show some regard for my wellbeing. If I have to suffer not contacting him all the time, can't he occasionally suck up some discomfort and talk to me? That's crap that I have to respect his feelings and he doesn't have to have any respect for mine. I helped and cared for him a lot. At the very least, he should have some concern for me. I hardly see that "Have a good day" is harassment. Why is it all about him? And still, no one has said why he is behaving this way. Because he needs to heal? What does he need to heal from? He's the one that abandoned me.

Your needs don't trump his - and your wants are based in the fantasy (for lack of a better word) of continuing to have some form of a relationship with him. He has decided he does not want any relationship of any kind with you, and while that hurts like a mofo, that IS his right and he is allowed to make that decision without consulting you.

Yes, he is making a bit of a jerk move here... but he's allowed to do it. He might even have decided to cut you out completely because he knew that you weren't going to accept that things were over and maybe decided that zero contact, in the long run, would be better for you.

He isn't responsible for taking care of your lonliness and depression - that is your job, not his. Relationships always have the risk of heartbreak; most relationships do not last forever.

If you need, and not just want, communication, then you have your friends and your therapist to support you through the break up - that is not his job to do anymore, and as much as it stings, he does NOT owe you anything. He does not have to "suck it up" and communicate with you simply because you want to continue contact with him - he's said no, and that is what it means.

Just because you cared for him during the relationship (and it sounds like he cared for you during it as well) doesn't mean that he owes you anything - you gave the caring to him freely and without condition.

Like... I've been where you are - I've definitely messaged exes more than was warranted, and really, really, wanted an explanation for what had changed over night (I do think it's a total jerk move of someone.. to just go night and day and end things without any explanation at all... but no matter what, we can't force it out of someone). The difference is, is that once it was clear (none of them ever told me that they wanted no contact) that a friendship wasn't going to work out, then I ceased contact myself.

You are misplacing your needs; you're trying to make him responsible for them. That is a want, not a need. Your actual needs can only be filled by you right now, and you're neglecting them by passing the responsibility onto your ex. Take care of yourself and stop hoping that he'll do it for you, it will never happen!

[Trippin2.0]

Irrational and immature are actually descriptions... judgment would imply I have a negative opinion regarding the adjectives I used. I have none. I simply call it like I see it.

At any rate, it is clear you don't want the type of responses you've garnered by starting this thread. So I will no longer participate.

Ps. In future, please express the type of support you want, to avoid any confusion between yourself and a would be responder.
Its perfectly ok to explicitly ask for only people who agree with you to respond, or to state that you are just venting, or are only in search of cyber hugs... Its your thread afterall, so state your needs and expectations clearly.

Take care

[pbutton]

He does not owe you anything. You have broken up. You cannot force someone to be friends with you. Trying to do so usually has the opposite effect.

[ChipperMonkey]

My guess is that you're NPD, and there is pretty much nothing that anybody can say that will make you think of anybody BUT yourself right now (or ever, for that matter). Yeah, let's just say I grew up with two narcissists, and nope, there is nothing that can ever be done to get them to stop thinking "me, me, me".

I hate to break it to you, but he may have blocked your number a looooong time ago, in which case, he's getting none of your texts.

Its time to move on and stop playing the victim. I can see plenty of reasons why he bailed, just based on your post alone. Please get into therapy and work on yourself rather than unfairly placing your own need for happiness in the hands of others.

Hi 3xjj, I am so very sorry for the pain you're going through. I find that people tend to have tons of advice on relationships and what's "right or wrong". I have no idea of what's right or wrong because everyone is different from everyone else. Based on my own experience, you need to give your ex some time. I'm betting that he might want to be friends (maybe), but he needs time. In the meanwhile, you have to focus on your own well-being. I strongly suggest a support group. I truly believe a group would be really helpful for you.

[3xjj]

Wow, thanks for the support. Funny, I was reading a post the other day from someone who talked about the lack of support they got on here.

ChipperMonkey, your response was simply mean. There wasn't anything in your post that could be construed as trying to be helpful. You are projecting your issues with NPD onto me. Of course this issue is about me... its my post and my broken heart. I can't believe how everyone thinks I should be concerned about his feelings. I don't believe my feelings trump his, but his feelings don't trump mine. Or they shouldn't, not when two grown-ups (say over the age of about 28) proclaim that they genuinely care for one another. Caring does not equate to abandoning.

I did a lot for this man. Regardless, all I'm asking is for him to act a caring human being once in awhile. Good gracious, I have just coworkers who are capable of that. You'd think I was asking him to cut his hand off. I understand I can't "force" him to do this; however, I don't think I'm "wrong" for wanting or expecting it.

I am not looking for him to fix my depression and loneliness or anything else. I'm expecting him to OCCASIONALLY help me, be my friend, talk to me. That's what you do when you care about someone. Caring does not equal abandoning. People should not be discardable and replaceable (which makes his actions more representative of NPD than mine).

I respect everyone's right to give an opinion, although I think gentle would generally be appropriate when someone is hurting. Immature and irrational are clearly subjective words, not objective ones. They express an opinion and interpretation. However, while I disagree with other posters here, I understand that their intention was to try and help. ChipperMonkey, your intention was not. You meant to berate and make me feel bad, e.g., "I can see plenty of reasons he bailed." Again, your issues being projected onto me.

I will take the earlier poster's advice and clarify further the type of responses I am looking for. I thought I was relatively clear in asking for explanations about why he was behaving this way. As in, "I've done that to someone I've cared about and this is why" or "I've had that done to me, and I think this is why." I didn't want more pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on with your life. I clearly stated that I could not. If I could, I would; this is a terribly painful place to be. Has no one else ever been stuck in moving on or the grief process? I would love to hear about the getting stuck, not how "unfair" I'm being to my ex.

[3xjj]

Thank you, thank you, Sister Rags!

[hvert]

I've had that done to me and done it to other people. In my experience, it's pretty typical to have at least a period of no contact after a romantic relationship ends. Some people I've gotten back in touch with later on.

I had one guy who stopped talking to me four years after we ended our very brief romance - I think his girlfriend put the kibosh on our occasional texts and visits, but I don't really know - I just know that it took me about six months to realize that he was really not responding on purpose

Another person stopped talking to me cold turkey, I think because he knew that if he did, I would talk him into trying again. I was not willing to let him go and he knew that -- and he knew that any contact with me would just make me hope for something more. That is often the reason I cut off contact with exes.

Sometimes it's because the temptation to get back together is too strong. Sometimes it's because one person has already started dating someone else. It could be because the pain of the break up is still too raw. Maybe one person has realized that they don't want to be friends after all.

Maybe this hurts so much because his actions demonstrate that he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him? It's like a second rejection on top of the breakup, a rejection of friendship on top of the romance.

Hey Chipper Monkey, that post of yours is pretty rough and full of assumptions. Kills me, how people get online and project all kinds of crap onto others that have absolutely nothing to do with the others and everything to do with ourselves.

3xjj, in my months on this forum I've noticed that sometimes there's support, other times...not so much. I dunno...I used to look for - and find - support online. Not so much anymore. I don't know if it's me, society, or a lack of serendipity, but it seems like a lot of people get online just to vent their frustrations at anonymous others.

Anyway, I really feel for you. I'm certainly not comparing your situation to this one, yet in some way it reminds me...on Facebook I'm friends with a big group of people I grew up with. Some of us are friends IRL and some of us just keep in touch on Fb. Well, there's one man...he and I were boyfriend & girlfriend in our senior year of high school (which was 30+ years ago). I guess you could call it "first love". We had loads of fun times together and did kid stuff...lots of making out, but never actually had sex. So it's not like there's an "awkward" factor present (unless he's recalling things incorrectly!). Anyway, this man is a Fb friend. I would really, really like to have a chat with him online...just a one-time conversation remembering the Good Old Days. Nothing more. Just a catch-up, hey I'm glad we were in each others' lives, remember that night when such-and-such happened, Wow, yeah, those were the days...

It would mean a lot to me. It would put a kind of closure on the pain of our break-up so many years ago. I've lightly & politely commented on some of his posts, "Liked" photos, etc. All he'll ever do is very occasionally "Like" something I comment on of his. I get the feeling that he's sending the message of "Don't try to get any closer". It hurts. It really does. Because I have no ulterior motives...I just want to feel like he and I BOTH acknowledge that one time, long ago, destiny put us together and we liked it, back then.

So...yeah. It hurts when someone you care about sends an unclear message. And, to me, not answering your texts, etc., is an unclear message. Just that you're having to come on this forum and ask US what is going on with HIM tells me that he's not being clear with you. You have to move on, because of course, what else CAN you do? But...that doesn't mean his behavior is okay. And, the best I can offer is what I said before...just try your very best to use this time as a time to work on yourself. And then, when things come together the way things do, you'll meet someone new - and then this other guy will probably suddenly want to be friends again. Life is weird like that.

[ehWOOblah]

I think a more neutral way of saying some of the more harsher worded opinions in this thread is that there is nothing good that can come from trying to continue this relationship the way you're envisioning this relationship should be continued, because for all you know: to him there may not be any sort of relationship left and he's just waiting for you to back off. From someone who came to this forum also seeking help amd answers, I've been here and I'm sorry for the pain you feel, but this may not be worth continued suffering in the long run. Hope everything goes well.

[little_bear]

I am really sorry you are obsessing about this relationship; I think it is really sad that you think you can patch things up with him.

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by 3xjj

What about my needs and feelings? He knows I struggle with loneliness and depression. He broke my heart with no good reason. He has a need for space to deal with his feelings, well, I have a need for communication. I have a need for someone who said they cared about and loved me to show some regard for my wellbeing. If I have to suffer not contacting him all the time, can't he occasionally suck up some discomfort and talk to me? That's crap that I have to respect his feelings and he doesn't have to have any respect for mine. I helped and cared for him a lot. At the very least, he should have some concern for me. I hardly see that "Have a good day" is harassment. Why is it all about him? And still, no one has said why he is behaving this way. Because he needs to heal? What does he need to heal from? He's the one that abandoned me.

He does not have to do anything...and the fact he is not doing anything in return is a signal for you that he may not be the person you thought he was. Do not hold on to all the good things - that will only make things harder. You had a life experience - it hurts like heck. Time will take care of this... I know that is not what you want to hear!!!! It took me almost 2 yrs to get over someone I loved so much...it was not terrible pain for 2 yrs but I grieved for a long time.

It's rare to try an have a friendship with a lover - I know you have done it in the past..does not mean that will work every time.

[Slamjammer]

Sorry to agree with the other posters here, but the relationship appears to be toast. Being clingy and needy will certainly not lure him back, and will only make life more difficult for you.

Something else nobody has mentioned here....you are becoming a prime candidate for a codependent relationship...probably an abusive one, so be very careful...they NEVER end well.

I think I understand what you are going through, and it may be painful for you to hear this, but you must move on. Just as importantly, you must also get your house in order before embarking on another relationship, or there is an excellent chance it will be a painful one.

In any event, good luck to you.

[Rainbowfairy]

Originally Posted by 3xjj

Wow, thanks for the support. Funny, I was reading a post the other day from someone who talked about the lack of support they got on here.

ChipperMonkey, your response was simply mean. There wasn't anything in your post that could be construed as trying to be helpful. You are projecting your issues with NPD onto me. Of course this issue is about me... its my post and my broken heart. I can't believe how everyone thinks I should be concerned about his feelings. I don't believe my feelings trump his, but his feelings don't trump mine. Or they shouldn't, not when two grown-ups (say over the age of about 28) proclaim that they genuinely care for one another. Caring does not equate to abandoning.

I did a lot for this man. Regardless, all I'm asking is for him to act a caring human being once in awhile. Good gracious, I have just coworkers who are capable of that. You'd think I was asking him to cut his hand off. I understand I can't "force" him to do this; however, I don't think I'm "wrong" for wanting or expecting it.

I am not looking for him to fix my depression and loneliness or anything else. I'm expecting him to OCCASIONALLY help me, be my friend, talk to me. That's what you do when you care about someone. Caring does not equal abandoning. People should not be discardable and replaceable (which makes his actions more representative of NPD than mine).

I respect everyone's right to give an opinion, although I think gentle would generally be appropriate when someone is hurting. Immature and irrational are clearly subjective words, not objective ones. They express an opinion and interpretation. However, while I disagree with other posters here, I understand that their intention was to try and help. ChipperMonkey, your intention was not. You meant to berate and make me feel bad, e.g., "I can see plenty of reasons he bailed." Again, your issues being projected onto me.

I will take the earlier poster's advice and clarify further the type of responses I am looking for. I thought I was relatively clear in asking for explanations about why he was behaving this way. As in, "I've done that to someone I've cared about and this is why" or "I've had that done to me, and I think this is why." I didn't want more pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on with your life. I clearly stated that I could not. If I could, I would; this is a terribly painful place to be. Has no one else ever been stuck in moving on or the grief process? I would love to hear about the getting stuck, not how "unfair" I'm being to my ex.

I hear you. You have pain mixed with confusion, mixed with loss, mixed with disillusionment, mixed with abandonment, mixed with shock, mixed with fear, mixed with frustration. And probably many others. The point is, you are hurting. I just wanted to say, I understand.

Don't worry about other people's labels, people like to name and categorise things, particularly those they regard as threatening. There is great support on here, but we're all human, fallible, and the internet is a communication minefield.

I believe you will find your answers, but they'll come from within. We often want the perpetrator to stand up and explain their actions, but even though they may be to blame for our pain, we are the only ones who can take care of ourselves once they are gone. I know how much this hurts, but the person who will take best care of you now is you.

[kjv2acts]

I do not believe that your feelings are wrong. I was there.

Back in the days before text messaging, we had to speak to one another. I was so in love with him and so overwhelmed by the divorce. I finally quit the begging, but continued to call daily with that "breezy" tone. He never refused to talk to me, but it was in the voice: he was so over me. I was a rejection junky.

Finally a friend who prayed with came clean, and I will never forget her brilliant analogy.

When you lose a tooth, you keep poking the crater with your tongue. It hurts every day for a long time and you inflame the gum. You go rooting to experience the pain over and over. When you finally control yourself and stop poke, poke, poking, the gum heals quickly and without much effort on your part.

This helped me so much and I hope it can help you. Many years later, if I go rooting around I can access the memory of pain, which is just plain dumb. There is no animosity between us, but we were not able to remain friends.

I do have love and kindness in my life, which I almost didn't have because I wasn't moving on.

Only well wishes here.

I still say that, given time and some reflection, two people who were once in a romantic relationship can remain friends. I am not one to throw friendships away so easily...they are not so easy to come by, and why burn bridges? Because of pride? That's silly.

[Maria116]

Originally Posted by brainhi

It took me almost 2 yrs to get over someone I loved so much...it was not terrible pain for 2 yrs but I grieved for a long time.

It took me between 2 and 3 years. I haven't seen him in almost 4 years now, and I would never want to see him or speak to him, it would hurt too much.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying, too, Maria116. Sometimes you break up with someone and it practically kills you, the grief is so severe. Then some time passes, you see each other, and you wonder what on earth you ever saw in him to begin with.