I was told I could find help here...

I was told to post in this thread. I joined this forum after reading some of the posts and responses and I feel I might get help. You see what I have doe is so shameful that I cannot speak to anyone about it. I have also lost my job so I cannot afford therapy. I have been married for 14 years and I have a child. I started an emotional affair about four years ago and although it was a sexless relationship it was intense. I don't want it to sound like an excuse and I suppose all cheaters say this, but it was never meant to be an affair . I found great friendship in him. Due to issues of his own my partner decided to relocate to another city and took up a job there. I also gave up my job and was going to be filing for separation and relocating to the new place. My spouse didn't seem to mind or care. My marriage had lacked intimacy or companionship for almost ten years. Then suddenly my partner broke contact about four months ago. I went through hell first but now I realize what a wrong thing I had done starting another relationship before ending one. My partner was emotionally unstable, verbally abusive, narcissistic, egoistical and ambitious, I don't know why I stayed with him. The good moments were so few and I was really strained with the double life. Initially my mails and messages were ignored. One way I am glad it ended and I have not tried to contact him in the last two months.The problem now is that I cannot stop the feeling of guilt and regret. I keep obsessing over what I have done and though I know the clock cannot be turned back I waste my hours in lethargic remorse punctuated with a sense of panic when I realize how the job loss has affected me financially, The moment I get my job I have planned to move out but the burden of falling into a trap of this very selfish person and then coming out dead in all respects, is just getting to me. Please advise me as to what I should do and where in this forum my issue may be best addressed.

Hi, itsme45! I think I sent you here. Okay, folks, speak up and offer some advice!

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with all at once, looking for a new job, possibly relocating, losing your partner, and possibly a divorce (not sure if this is on the table or not).

It sounds like you really escaped from what could have been a horrible situation. I'm glad that you are no longer contacting your partner-- he sounds awful.

I am not sure how you can stop feeling guilty and move on from this. Do you want to patch things up with your husband or are you done with that relationship?

Itsme, did you really do anything all that terrible? You were in a marriage that lacked intimacy and companionship. You struck up a sexless, but emotionally intense, friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Probably because you were unbearably lonely. And now you're beating yourself over the head as if you committed the worst crime in the world and you didn't. You didn't. You sound like someone who's been in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long that you believe you're a terrible person because that's all you've been told ... over and over for years.

Change is really hard. Losing your job and your marriage -- even if it wasn't worth saving -- at the same time is a double-whammy that few people could take without feeling weak in the knees. Add relocating on top of that, plus parenting, and you have a lot on your plate. It's the sort of thing that could throw anyone into a depressed state. If you look up at the top of the page, you'll see a sections called "Quizzes." You might click on that and find one on depression and any others that apply. They only take a few minutes and the questions are not intrusive or hurtful. If you score as depressed or anxious, then therapy and medical help could be important.

Because you're unemployed and a single parent, you may qualify for free or low-cost medical insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Even though it's past the deadline, you can still apply because your circumstances have changed. I know two people who could not afford therapy before who are now receiving counseling and psychiatric care free of charge under the ACA.

You can probably find out how to apply in your state if you google Affordable Care Act and the name of your state.

If you're experiencing depression right now -- and it sounds as if you are -- doing any of that may feel overwhelming. Maybe just start with the depression quiz on this site and then come back and tell us how you scored. That's a start toward getting your life back.

Thank you ever so much for your help. It's means a lot to be heard without being judged. I don't think the marriage can be saved. It's begun to get stifling now. There is nothing wrong with my husband but I have come to the point where I cannot stand him...I know I am the cheater and it's a terrible thing to say but I wonder sometimes if he had not treated me with callous indifference I would have done something so uncharacteristic...I am considered quite a prude you know...if people should know my true colours now! I never realised how lonely I was till I met the other man with whom I shared this great rapport for so long...but he too abandoned me...turned his back when I needed him the most...can you give me your point of view as to why he did what he did? There is a very very small opening for a job, I used to be good at what I did but then I may have to start at the mid-level now after giving up my senior position. That's all right. Anything to get this person out of my head and feel a little more worthwhile. Days will pass and it won't hurt so bad but I will never get an answer to why he did this to me knowing very well how much I had invested in the relationship. I have heard since my last post he's got a top job somewhere...ah the bitter ironies of life!!

You said That should explain alot about why he desserted you. He's too wrapped up in himself to really care about anyone else.

I'm sorry you got hurt. I can empathize with your situation.

itsme45....It will take awhile to get this person out of you head. When it comes right down to it...it really does not matter why he turned away.

He was your escape....but you have to be so careful - If there was some good...
take that and leave the rest behind. Relying only on this person for worth and pleasure without ever having him in person is not a good idea unless you really could be "just friends".

A healthy support group or a therapist is a much better way to learn how to get yourself in a better place.

Were I you, I would re-think the relationship and how I called it an affair. Being emotionally close to a person is not a crime/affair! Yes, you and your husband do not communicate and the marriage is "dead" and that, too, I think is causing you to err on the side of "it's-all-my-fault"? Your 4-year friend leaving without thinking/caring about you says he was/is not a good friend or any kind of "partner". Partners don't leave each other like that. I would chalk the whole thing up to experience, finish up with your husband and job situation and start your own life with your child.

I don't understand how, in one breathe, there's nothing wrong with your husband, yet in another breathe mention he's treated you with callous indifference and a marriage devoid of intimacy for ten years.
I want to say, to me, the reason you can't get this close, so it would smoke screen, friendship with another man out of your mind, is you haven't come to see the truth of your marriage and the pain this is bringing forth, mirrors the stuffed down deep pains of denying yourself the realization your marriage has sucked you from you.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Thanks for your response, all of you...much needed and very much appreciated. You guys are right...there is no point in me getting stuck at this point...I know I have to move on...I am trying...I am trying to involve myself in working out my child's future, trying to find wonder in trivial daily things, learning new skills and reading...but then on the midst of it all, either through a small trigger or just like that, it all comes rushing back and cripples me with a pain and remorse that is as real as a physical blow...my own wanton conduct, the fact that there were dozens of red flags in this relationship that I chose to ignore, the casual way I decided to give up a good job and the complete childish faith that I had thinking he was out there waiting for me to start a new life together...I know what I need is a regular job and a validation of my self worth again. I am thinking of moving back to my home town and looking for a job there. Although it's going to be a huge challenge to restart I am looking at the experience as a catharsis. To answer some of the queries: Healing4me, when I said nothing is wrong with my husband I meant that as a provider he gave me a comfortable life, there was a time when he was drinking a lot but that too is over, it's just that there's no real affection or intimacy, it's all done with a sense of duty. I have never felt cherished or protected in the relationship. It's all so mechanical and lacking and yes, he's always been very indifferent to my feelings, physical comfort is not everything. There is also total lack of chemistry.
Perna as much as would like to believe it was not an affair it was...I did not have sex with the person, nor was it a "physical affair" there was very much an awareness of gender and person and much chemistry...I was looking at a future with him. He was single and said often how well suited to each other we were and was longing to make me his wife. Those of course were the good moments...mostly he said some of the most cruel things to me, what no other person has said or will say to me (I would not tolerate it) nor will he say to anyone else( he would not dare).
But you are so very very right Brainhi, I tried to make him my escape from the drudgery of an insipid relationship. I should never have done that. I should have worked in me as a person. I was good at my job. Should have built on it. Ending the marriage and went on with my life. Pity how lucid and clever one becomes at hindsight! But for now I am unhappy and suffering. I feel, despite a lovely child, there's nothing to look forward in my life any more. Thanks for the lead on ACA. Though I will have to think of a plausible reason to give my family as to why I am considering therapy. I am not very proud of my own doings and hardly think it's something worth declaring!!
This afternoon I thought I should look at it this way: imagine that person who had the affair to be someone else, leave her behind and starts as a new person and then move on...easier said than done!!!
Another question: do I fit the definition of what they call : Narcissistic supply?

I do not know what Narcissistic supply is - would it help you to put a label on "who you might be"? You went through a very difficult time. You want to learn how to make things better. As far as telling family about therapy....it's smart to get help going through a transition. The right people understand that...you need only to worry about making things better for you and your child. I wish you the very best!

Thank you for the post and the very good quotes. It prompted me to read up on nueroplasticity and rewiring of the brain and I feel slowly it would be possible for me to get out of my misery if I changed my thought process. The reason why I wanted to put a name to my own behaviour is perhaps because at this time I need to be able to understand my own actions as much as I need to his callous disappearance. It's a long journey but I suppose I brought it on to myself and giving up everything for someone such as this person was so ridiculously foolish. I am just so appalled and still in disbelief that someone can just walk away from a relationship...of course that's rich coming from me...after all I did cheat, emotionally or otherwise...although I must add it never felt like it even a bit. I must be quite shameless...there's nothing to say in my defence.
Can you suggest a way in which I can start accepting his sudden abandonment? I know engaging my mind in a job will help... But in the meantime...

First - forgive yourself...and do not do it again - live and learn. Every time you feel like blaming yourself or try to figure out why he did this...poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick..
OK JUST KIDDING! -
It's going to take awhile to get over this - been there & done that. The only magic bullet is time. Your brain will go to those places less and less...unless, you keep it alive in your thoughts. You have this place to get your thoughts out...that helps too.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You had an emotional affair, which maybe wasn't the best thing to do, but it's not that bad in the scheme of things. And the other posters are right -- you aren't ever going to know why this guy did what he did. Ugh, I had a long term lover disappear and it drove me crazy for a year, wondering why it ended so suddenly, begging him to tell me. You are on the right track, not sending him any more messages. It just takes a lot of time...

Does your husband have any idea how unhappy you are in your marriage? What would he do or say if you told him how close you came to leaving him for another man?

I'd look at it like this. You were/ are already starved for intimacy in marriage. Physical and emotional.
Your new friend fed a part of that. You were already in a vulnerable state of mind, and still are, imo. Resulted in a repeated relationship pattern. Even if by virtue of 'duty', your husband remains under the same roof.
This departure of the emotional attachment of this man, was similar to ripping the fresh scab off a very, deeply suppressed wound.
The promises, empty promises, he made, were perhaps part of the things missing in marriage.

Affair or not, it's rather difficult to say it's not understandable how this transpired.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Hi guys, appreciate your time. I think my husband knows how unhappy I am in the marriage. I know he's not happy either...there is a complete lack of companionship and intimacy, we have not had sex for six years now...even before I met this other man...we stay in different rooms! I think we both let things slip by and though he said he loved me very much when we got together he really never worked at the marriage. He took me for granted and we let life catch up so fast with us that romance was left far behind. At a point we both stopped caring. We both got caught up with our work and did our jobs pretty well...sometimes I tend to think that we tried to fill the emptiness of our life with work...at least I think I did. If my husband knew of it I think the first reaction would be anger, after all ego would play a part in it even though he hardly would have the right to. He would probably then say he knew it all along because our marriage lacked intimacy or because I never cared for him. But I don't think telling him about my affair would help although it would be there right thing to do. The other person is out of my life and though my masochist self will always miss him, I don't want to have any connection with this person anymore. What I did was rotten, but he's not been any better either!
My husband makes a great Dad and my child is very close to him...I think we stayed together just for my child...but then I think, after a while, kids sense it too; and better two people moderately happy apart, than two people miserable together.
I cannot help but be harsh on my self. I really did something wrong. I cheated and I did something totally out of character. I invested everything in the relationship only to be left high and dry. I lost my job and today I am financially crippled and my confidence is very low. I waste my days in languor and bitterness. I am sorry, I know I am being repetitive and ranting but I know after it I feel momentarily better, that's why I am so glad I found this forum and you guys. There were so many red flags about this person and I completely ignored it. I felt no guilt about cheating and I really set myself up for a fall. Wiser now but lost and empty.