Boyfriend can't hold down a job

Since we've been together, I don't think he has ever had a job for more than a month. He's been extremely unlucky with it all and most often it isn't his fault that companies cannot afford to keep him on and so on, but I still don't know how much longer I'm supposed to wait around for him to sort his life out. He has been unemployed for more than twice the amount of time he's been in work, jumping from one temporary job to another.

I'm the one that has been having to apply and search for jobs for him, while he sits on his bum all day doing nothing useful or productive. I have achieved a lot for my age, and he has underachieved. I was a straight-A student, who got a job with a publishing company at the age of 17. I'm now 19 and working as a digital and app designer, while I study with the Open University in my spare time and freelance art. The best job he ever had was a stint in a Mcdonalds three years ago. It never mattered before.

When we first got together he was in college with two years left until he could be a fully qualified plumber. But September came around and he didn't go back. He is now at the point where he has been doing nothing for a year but a few weeks of temporary work in a factory (which he got replaced for someone who could actually use the forklift trucks).

I used to have my own house that I rented with a housemate. I loved it. She got a boyfriend and moved in with him, but my boyfriend still had no job so I had to leave my lovely house and move in with him and his parents. I thought it would be temporary, he was meant to find a job, we'd save then get a place of our own. But I moved in here at the beginning of the year and he still hasn't got a job, never mind any savings to his name. He doesn't understand why I want to move out so badly, but it doesn't feel like home there to me, I want a place I can relax in and not feel like a guest, or feel uncomfortable because his parents are arguing or something.

I always pictured my life different to this. I want to buy a house, have a family, work for myself from home while I look after the child and my husband goes to work. A happily ever after that my parents and theirs seemed to find so easily. I know I'm still young, but I am now at the point where my friends are starting to get engaged or have babies and their own houses and I just get so jealous. I want that to be me. I don't know if I'll ever have that with him if he has no proper qualifications and can't hold down a job, then he refuses to do any jobs that he seems to think are "beneath" him or something (won't work in a bar or restaurant, won't do basic admin work...).

Is it wrong and shallow of me to doubt our relationship based on this? I just don't want to scrape by pay check to pay check every month. He is so irresponsible with money and spends everything as he gets it. I think he has been babied by his parents his whole life and doesn't know how to live like an adult with proper responsibilities. I don't want to be his replacement Mum - just there to provide, cook and clean for him! I am not saying I want him to provide for me, I just at least want us to be equal. I've always been more mature for my age, so maybe that's why he seems to act immature sometimes - moving out at 17 meant I grew up even faster than everyone else who didn't have the responsibilities I did, I suppose.

I don't even know how to support him any more. He can't even be bothered to put the proper effort in to sort himself out, just a half-hearted attempt at finding a job every so often. It's not up to me to find him a job, plus if I get him an interview he never seems to get anything from it anyway. I don't know what he does wrong, it must be something or companies wouldn't keep letting him go all the time or not wanting to keep him on when they choose other people to keep on instead. I just don't know if I should think of my future, or wait around in a hope that he'll sort things out

Hello, Little Jay. You have to choose. If you leave and he gets sorted, you can reconsider. Now it appears is a parasite.

I wish you well.

It sounds like he doesn't really want a job, so he's probably sabotaging his jobs & interviews.

He probably figures it doesn't matter because you'll just find him another job.

I think you are correct & I respect you for working hard & wanting better. You should drop him now.

Nineteen years old is awfully young for anyone to saddle themselves with a partner who seems satisfied to sit on their bum while everyone else takes care of business. It sounds as if he's not even trying to pull his own weight around the home, which is not a good sign.

If you find a place of your own, you'll find out soon enough if this relationship has any future. You may not be able to afford the beautiful home you dream of, but few people can at age 19.

One thing is sure, as long as your boyfriend doesn't even have to cross the street to get your attention and care, he'll never get his bum off the couch.

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds as if you're in great danger of ending up in a co-dependent relationship that allows him to remain workless, sorry for himself and dependent while you work your tail off trying to get ahead.

It's time for you to take a good look at your life and to do whatever is best for you.

Not so certain it's his age. It could be Him! He may never change. And as much as you may care for him, on a deep level, sometimes, love isn't enough to make a relationship work. It does take two Equals, working together, there's the responsibility factor then there's love.

How this has been between you, may be a good glimpse into your future together.

He may never change. That's a reality to factor in, when sorting through your decision.

It makes me feel bad because he gets so miserable about it. He confides in me, saying he doesn't understand and how miserable he is. But in my head I just am screaming at him "well why don't you try and change things then!??".

I understand that it gets him down, and that it must be hard to face so much rejection. But I don't understand what I'm supposed to do, I say to him that only he can change things, and he'll think i'm not supporting him. I come home from work and see him sat watching the TV or laying in bed and it makes me so angry. I ask him what he did with his day, and it will be nothing but seeing his mates, or sitting on his bum.

I love him so much, and he tells me he worries I will leave him. He asks me to promise me that I won't and I have to look him in the eyes and tell him to stop being stupid, because I can't sit there and lie to him that, no, I will not wait around forever for you to get your **** together. I struggle with depression, and in the times I need support I feel he is too busy feeling sorry for himself, or has to point out that he has it worse than me.

I live with him though, and can't afford a place on my own. Finding another housemate would be near impossible. He talks about our future, and he's so full of these big ideas that in my head I know are never going to happen. He makes promises that we will move and stuff, but he can't keep them.

I have somehow become so reliant on him, that I don't know how i'd cope without him. I couldn't imagine moving back in with my parents back to a small village, my life is here now. I just want him to sort it out. If not, how will I find anyone else who will deal with my depression and stick by me even through times in the hospital or dealing with living with someone who is miserable so much. Sometimes, he is so amazing that I think it doesn't matter about that he has no stable job, because I love him. But love will only stretch so far, and the rest of my life is defined by the decisions I am making right now. I don't want to waste years before I realise that he is never going to change, and never going to grow up.

Your depression doesn't define you, you are much more than depression and all you have to offer as a person to a worthy partner will surely outweigh your diagnosis.

You're an extremely intelligent and ambitious young lady. Don't let depression lie to you and allow it to dictate your choices by placing limitations on you within a relationship.
That's the one area where our MI has very little say, because the people who really love us, will simply love us.

The right man will love you the way you deserve, depression and all. He will admire you for accomplishing all you have despite battling such a terrible disorder.

Once upon a time after leaving my (abusive, ambitionless, perpetually jobless) ex, I also believed nobody would want me, that nobody else would want to put up with me and my crazy. Turns out I was super wrong, my current bf of nearly 5 yrs loves me Bipolar, Borderline PD, OCD and all. And if I'm worthy of such pure acceptance, then dammit!
SO ARE YOU!!!

Ps. Having a bf who's on the same wavelength as me, is such a VAST difference, sooo much more fullfilling. Wayyy better than trying to be happy with a guy with whom I'm "unequally yoked". I tell you its a damn beautiful thing to have a bf who's ambitions are in line with mine, who strives toward having a better life, who's work ethic matches my own. It feels good to actually be able to admire my bf. Farrr cry from slowly resenting someone who sits on his bum and trying to convince myself I'm being shallow.

Life is too short. If he wants to work, he will find a way. My advice is to move out and move in with another roommate. You are still very young and should have that experience for a while. You can still date him, but don't let his laziness take you down. Maybe if he sees you moving forward with or without him, that will be the kick in the pants he needs. And if not, then you are better off without him.

I agree with Puglife -- getting out of his mother's house would be great for you. It may motivate him, it may not -- but at least you would be moving forward with your life.

You aren't shallow for having these concerns. Preferring to live off his mother and you instead of doing a job that is 'beneath' him is a really bad sign.

Thank you everyone, I guess I've just been in denial a bit and letting myself believe that things will change. I need to find a way to kick him into action so that he knows that he seriously needs to sort it out and that I wont keep just ignoring it or giving him all the time in the world. Guess that I need to put myself first for a change and think about my future. I just hope whatever I say or do really does work because even though I have my doubts I do love him so much and wouldn't want to lose him. Hopefully I mean that much to him that he sorts things out. Thank you for your support and advice it really helps and means a lot!

I think that's above and beyond the call of duty, love, and helpfulness and indicates to me that your boyfriend's problems probably have more to do with his interest/dedication in trying to keep a job than "bad luck". I would let him take care of his own finances/work problems and if he did not (or ask me for help while actively working on his difficulties himself) then I would be gone.

Sorry you are in this situation .. Im sure living with his parents cant be what you want, it has to be awkward . Tell your boyfriend that your saving your money and will be moving out ... Maybe that will light a match under his ***. Its up to him to find his own job .. your not his Mother .. You want him to be an equal ..

I know you love him .. But you cant live on the hope that one day he might take responsibility for himself.. You need to make plans for your life and how to obtain it.

**Hugs**

I had a BF in college who graduated before me......& who thought the bank he had worked for while going to college owed him a programming position....& when his GPA was so low that they refused to hire him.....he got angry & wouldn't look for any other position (his low GPA was because he wouldn't do the work in classes that he thought "he knew more than the professors"). We had decided that getting married might be a good idea after he graduated...that attitude was a huge red flag & my respect for him went to "ZERO". My mother assured me that he would become responsible when he grew up (only 22 at the time). I went ahead & got married because I didn't believe that someone who was so intelligent could possibly be such a total looser. He kept working the part time job while I was working the job I had to pay for my college after we got married that June. Every time there was a bank holiday, he would go out & play tennis or do something other than look for a job. I finally told him that I was quitting my job & was going to be focusing on college full time & that I would be working like normal during the breaks in college as I was always able to do contract work & would continue paying for my own college.....but if he didn't get a good paying job, what ever happened would happen & if he couldn't pay for the appartment, I would just go back to living with my parents & he could go back & live with his & we could get the marriage annulled......I had to call him on how he was living to get him to take any action. If finally did get a temporary engineering position which turned into permanent....but through the years, the attitude issues that existed before we got married continued to mess up each engineering position he had & we went through job after job after job.....& then he complained later on that the company didn't give him the promotion he felt he deserved & blamed it on company politics.....where in reality...it was his own attitudes that were the problem. Working in the same field & knowing what was going on....I knew exactly WHAT was happening & he hated that because he was always trying to BS me with excuses as to why he was having problems & always trying to blame it on others.

Unfortunately I lost my engineering career in 1994....& it had actually been my escape from the bad marriage because there was constant issues that came from the lack of RESPECT that I had for him from before we got married........it actually took 33 years, major depression after I lost my career & many suicide attempts because I felt trapped in the bad marriage by that time (because I didn't get out when I could have). I was finally able to leave him 7 years ago after my mother died & I took my inheritance & LEFT & moved 2100 miles away......

He continued to have horrible financial issues because he wasn't responsible with his money (never was from the beinning) & just a few weeks ago after I finished paying off the IRS & cashing the check in the joint account that he was running almost $2000 negative every month & living on the overdraft coverage.......I closed the account. I have no idea how he has made his payments this month....& he's headed for ending up homeless. It was his irresponsibility that had caused issues before we got married & he never did change or mature.......& he definitely wasn't able to care for me when I was in need of having a responsible husband.......& his pdoc said he has more going on than just the adult ADD that he was Dx'ed with.....but so far no other Dx has occured even though I suspect that I know what it would be. I tried to get a conservator after I found out how bad his financial situation is....but wasn't successful with that because as long as they feel he can make decisions whether good or bad, it's HIS PROBLEM. I got on my lawyer now that the IRS is taken care of & pushing the divorce now so that none of his other financial situations will hit me.

Bottom line.....what they are at this point in their life is what they will be for the rest of their life.

It's important to match yourself up with someone who has equal ambitions in life & who has equal drive.......otherwise, all you are doing is ending up in a co-dependent relationship......with your need to be needed being filled, but no other need ends up getting filled.

GET OUT NOW!!!!. Even if you have to live in a tiny one room flat/appartment, you are better off than living in the relationship that you have found yourself in.

You think that what you are feeling is love.....but the lack of respect that you are feeling soon turns any feelings of love into anger & hate (from personal experience.....if I ever really felt love in the first place????....or whether you really do either.

Love grows through mutual respect for each other & growing & maturing together......where those other things don't exist, love is like a seed that lands on the rocks.....it might sprout, but then it dies quickly because there is nothing for it to root into.....or it might really never sprout at all.

why are you still with him??

It's not selfish to want your man to grow up.

Because I love him
I know I might be stupid to expect things to change, but I just keep holding on to the hope that it will.

((((Little Jay))))

Did you read the thread here, about the woman whose husband has a job, keeps calling out of work, and isn't fired?

Some behaviours aren't uncommon. It seems ingrained.

Loving someone doesn't mean enabling them.

It's a human need, to have reliability in a relationship. Without receiving it, resentment builds. Oh...and having children won't change that. They either have work ethics or don't. Children won't motivate, may breed resentment for having to...

I think I am already starting to resent him a bit. I look at him sat doing nothing after I've been working all day and it makes me so mad. I just don't know what I can say or do to make him sort things out. He tells me he is trying and that it's getting him down, he just wants constant sympathy but I can't bring myself to give it to him any more because I am starting to feel like he brings it all on himself. I know how rough the job market is, but he could have stayed in college and have just a year left until he could be a fully qualified plumber. He could have worked for himself then if he couldn't find a job. It just seems like he doesn't really want to work even though he says he does.

Stop making excuses for him. Anyone who seriously wants a job will find a way of working & earning money if they are physically & mentally able. Your excuses are just enabling his lazy self.

You said something in one of your posts about wanting to "fix him".....that is co-dependent behavior. Is that really the way you want to live the rest of your life.

THEY DON'T CHANGE......I threw away 33 years but luckily 15 of those years I had my own engineering career to hide away from the marriage in....but when I couldn't hide any longer....it was living in HELL.

You sound like you are more afraid of leaving because you don't have a place to leave to.....which was part of my problem...I didn't believe in being involved with another guy & I had no place to go so ended up living separated under the same roof for 13 years of those 33. I would have been better off being homeless than living the way I did.

Thanks eskielover, yes, I suppose the fact that I don't want to have to move back in with my parents doesn't help. I moved out on bad terms, and even though we seem okay now I guess moving back in makes me think the arguing would start again, and it would kind of be like admitting that they were right all along and admitting to failure of some sort.

I think it's just going to be hard to walk away from something that has been so good apart from that.

You can start looking for a new roommate and when you have everything sorted out, leave. You don't need to tell him everything. My friend did this with her long-term SO and living apart have her the space to prioritize her goals. The space helped her decide to give her relationship another go.

My mom experienced similar with her third husband. I know he had suffered a traumatic brain injury in adulthood. Yet, went well beyond that. She would tell me, how behind closed doors the angry, gruff façade would come off, into a weeping willow. I remember she'd spend hours scouring the help ads, trying to match various opportunities to meet his needs/demands. I know, he's currently under treatment for a type of mood disorder, actually have the doctors reports as he'd sent with an apology letter for his behavior to both my uncle and myself, a couple years ago. Word, from my gram, is that he still doesn't have steady employment, he's in his early 60's, now.

Of course, there's resentment that grows. Building a future involves active participation on both sides.

Choosing men, for me, in my own life, involves choosing men, regardless of industry, that just work through the p****** and moaning of a hard day. Work isn't easy. After the double recessions and near depression of the start of the millennium, perspective is, beggars cannot be choosers, and sometimes starting at the bottom can lead to more. Gosh, I even have had moments where I'd love to walk away. My integrity remains, even if I've momentarily felt it wouldn't by virtue of sticking it out. Realized sometimes bad days trickle down and around the workplace.
He may need to work through the ego/pride and find value in the paycheck. Yet, only he can do that. Can lead a horse to water, but cannot make them drink.
Somewhere in his core, he may believe he's always got a soft pillow to soften the blow when he's not an active participant in the labor force.

Yes you need to put yourself first you have to love and care for yourself before you can love others. You don't have to put up with him, you're too young for his behavior affecting you the way it does. You seem very productive and deserve someone likewise.