Over-controlling Mother (Won't let me have a relationship)

You're desperately in need of help, for yourself, at this time. You need to be healthy to be able to help anyone else. You come first, there will be unexpected consequences, I know that the unknown and risks can be scary

But I get it. I'm also living with my parents and will do things for their approval. My parents want us divorced. I even told them I will, but have no plans to split. I am tolerating their disapproval right now, and they seem to be backing off, but still expecting lectures.

My mom is controlling it was way worse years ago. My dad kicked me out when I was out for 'too long'. I felt like I needed them for everything and anything. I didn't believe I can do things on my own. I put importance on my then-Bf to get our own place just so I can get away from my dysfunctional family. My little sister went to live with her friend just to get away

Interestingly enough my Mom and I had another blow-up last night, almost exactly one month from the last one we had. Nothing that escalated for hours on end, but enough that it got my blood boiling to get me out of my funk.

My Mom had purchased me some new clothes a few months back, including new swim shorts. They've been sitting in the bag for several weeks, and last night she said she has to take them back already, and that I need to try them. First of all, as much as I appreciate her thinking of me and doing that sort of thing, but I'm fully capable of buying my own clothes. I've told her that several times, but all it does is upset her. But anyways, last night, when it came time to the swim trunks, I told her I don't need those, it's not as if I'm ever going back to the pool again. So we started our dance of yelling at each other. She's telling me that there are other pools, and I responded with, I shouldn't have to go to another pool.

I told her things like I went to the same pool with the same people for seven years, and the second I meet a girl there, her head explodes. She went on to tell me things that my ex-GF just doesn't sit right with her, she can't explain it, and that she just doesn't like her. I told her it shouldn't matter, it's not her choice, it's mine, and she had no right to make me end a relationship I had no intentions of ending. She went on as she does, telling me that what I do is a reflection on her.

Then we got into finances, and she pretty much told me that I can't afford to be dating anyone. This was her same statement she gave me when I got home from my very first date with my ex back in August. And I agreed with her, finances are tight, but that should be no reason not to pursue a relationship.

She continued that I lied to her, and I lost it. I swore, a lot, and told her to get this idea of lying out of her head. Nobody lied to her, I just didn't tell her my intentions of going out with this girl in weeks prior to us actually starting to date, which is what she's referring to. And that's simply because I didn't know where it was going, it just started happening. I didn't know I was going to be full on dating this girl a month before we actually started to.

I told her she's being emotionally selfish, manipulating, using threats and blackmail against me, all because I decided to pursue a girl and start dating. That she's not treating my like an adult, and that she has ever classic symptom of a controlling parent. I then proceeded to tell her that if this is what she wants, I won't see anyone ever again. Not only by her choice, but the fact I've had it hard with my self esteem and confidence my entire life, that this just messed me up a whole bunch more because of her attitude. I also told that if by some miracle I ever did date someone again, she'll never meet that person and that she's lost that privilege after all of this. Her response, thanks a lot, I've got no reason to live then.

It pretty much ended with her saying that we are both at fault for all of this, even though I still don't understand what I did so wrong exactly. She said that no one understands our financial situation amongst many other things, but I responded that my close friends do know what's going on, and they see her as completely in the wrong for this whole scenario. She pretty much said thanks a lot, and that's she's disappointed in my friends.

I'm sure there are a few other points I've missed, but this pretty much is the gist of it. Just another day in my household living with my Mom.

You've mentioned this comment or something similar several times. I'm just wondering what purpose this comment serves, how it helps you move toward your objectives.

I'm wondering the same thing.

I don't know why I say it, it's not as if I really do mean it. It seems to be my first knee-jerk reaction of a response when confronting her. Her response to the previous argument with that was, "That's not what I said." Perhaps not, was my response, but it's obvious that my choice of who I choose to date doesn't live up to her expectations. She continued with examples of friends and other choices I've made in life that she called good choices, but this girl obviously wasn't one of them. I've even questioned it myself, call it brainwashing or what, then my friends who'd met my ex-GF say there was nothing wrong with her and that they liked her, which just reaffirms my decision to date her was never a bad one.

I'm just gonna be blunt and point out a few things.

You are allowing her to maintain control , You seem to "always" fold and tell her directly that "she wins"

You chose to stop going to the pool. You did that. Because of your mom.

You gave up your relationship with the GF. Because of your mom .

You You You gave in , caved, allowed her to win win win win across the board.

You do talk about long term goals of moving out.. That is wonderful , But meanwhile, your dog padding around in a mud puddle of defeatism. Yeah your in a shyt situation. But the reality is she has already taken " everything" from you. Why not just revolt 100% , go about YOUR life. Do as you please . What is the worse she can do ? have a hissy fit ? threaten? Of course, She already does this and she always wins, again because you allow her too.

My blunt advise ........ Just be a MAN grow a pair and do and see whomever you choose, now not once your able to afford to move out. I would rather surf my friends couch or live a awhile out of my car than to let any one Dictate to every tiny detail what I can and can't do.

I don't mean this to be mean, I don't. I am only saying this in hope that you can just have a life on your terms and not be emotionally bullied into her "allowing" you to do so. You can make excuse after excuse about why you cant do this or that, hey, if you want to stay under her thumb... just let everything proceed as is.

If not .. well just go life your life.

I thought of this thread when I was reading an article about the film critic, Roger Ebert, who recently died. Here is what really struck and surprised me:

At age 50, Ebert married trial attorney Charlie "Chaz" Hammelsmith (formerly Chaz Hammel-Smith) in 1992. He explained in his memoir, Life Itself, that he "would never marry before [his] mother died", as he was afraid of displeasing her. In a July 2012 blog entry titled "Roger loves Chaz", Ebert wrote, "She fills my horizon, she is the great fact of my life, she has my love, she saved me from the fate of living out my life alone, which is where I seemed to be heading". From: Roger Ebert - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Why a very talented individual, like Ebert, would remain in such a self-limiting entanglement with a parent is beyond what I can even imagine, but he straight-out says that he did. I'ld be fascinated to read his biography to try and learn how that evolved. Surely, he had plenty of options, at least financially. But he felt he didn't, emotionally.

Despite how much he suffered from not wanting to displease his mother, he managed to have a life that was pretty full and allowed him to develop his talents and have a high level of engagement with the broader world around him. Maybe, when you have been in a pattern for as long as 36 years, the most honest thing you can tell yourself is that this pattern is possibly something that, deep down, you are not willing to forego. Maybe it is just emotionally impossible for you. Then, perhaps, you can be somewhat freer to make the best of the situation.

Sometimes, when we say that we can't change a situation, it's really more true that we don't actually want to . . . not badly enough. Some important psychic and material needs are being met keeping the set up as it is. I really don't think that human beings are totally free to reinvent themselves from scratch anytime they choose along life's journey.

Maybe Roger Ebert managed to have a lot of success in his life, despite feeling trapped emotionally by his mother, because he accepted that he was unwilling to change that and worked around it. That takes a lot of honesty. It's okay to decide that you are not going to fully emancipate yourself from your mother's influence. But accept that you are the one making that choice.

Yes, had your mother been a different kind of person, you also would be different from how you are. A lot of what went into making you who you are may not have been your own choosing. That can be said about anyone, including your mother. You want her to do the work of changing, so that your life can change. She probably can't. And it's unfair to put all that on her.

If it's just too much of a heavy lift for you to leave this involvement that you have with your mother, then own that. You don't have to explain it to anyone. Taking a poll of your friends who know you and your mother to see who votes for her as the bad guy is really kind of juvenile. It doesn't matter what they think . . . or what we on this thread think.

Basically, you're trying to have a pity party for yourself and get as many guests for that purpose as you can round up. Ultimately, this will just turn those whom you recruit against you, as you kind of see happening on this thread. You'll find no shortage of people willing to agree with you that your mother's expectations are unreasonable. But so what? These same people are not going to see you as a prisoner - like a child locked in a closet. Psychologically, you may be just as locked up as that child . . . but, at this stage of the game, the key is in your possession. These dynamics go on because you are complicit. An army of therapists are not going to make you do what, deep down, you do not want to do . . . for whatever reasons you may have. You have made a choice that you keep making . . . and your psyche has its own reasons for why this is the choice. It is what your mind needs, right now, for a sense of safety and security. The more you try to rationalize why you just can't arrange things differently, the more hollow it is going to come across.

Free yourself from the need to have others award you "the martyr's crown." That's not going to happen. You're at where you're at, in a situation that is what it is. Tweaking the details of the situation may be the best you can do at present. Start there. You'll have more energy and power to do that, if you stop telling yourself that your mother controls everything, as if you were a prisoner of ISIS. This is, at bottom, a power struggle and you are not just giving in. Telling her that you will accept all her constraints and just accept having a miserable life is your attempt to cause her mental discomfort. You are trying to control how she feels . . . trying to put her on a guilt trip. That's you trying to hold on to how close you are with her, but figure out how to manipulate her. That's trying to have your cake and eat it too. To tell her that you will totally capitulate to her, since she won't be as you want her to be is "All or Nothing Thinking." Life is all about compromise. You can pull off successful little rebellions, if you're willing to tolerate some friction. It seems that you don't want any friction. If that's your choice, own it.

What is this , post # 107? 108?

You two are stuck in a bizarre dynamic. On an emotional level, you are not equals.

Initially, she is the adult, you are the child. She dictates your actions and you submit. Then, because you have taken the role as child, you rebel. You push boundaries, which is only natural.

You argue.

Somewhere in this the roles flip.

You become the adult and she becomes the child. The more reasoned your position, the more immature her response.

Eventually, she issues an ultimatum and the fight stops. You go back to your initial roles.

I have a feeling that this has been happening for so long that it is "normal" for you.

Nothing in your life is as important to you as the relationship you have with her and the drama that it brings.

YOU discard people and opportunities to grow so you can keep this dysfunction alive.

As long as you do this, you avoid being an adult. Is that the pay off?

You wouldn't be in this place unless you wanted to be.

Gotta say, I agree with Rose 100%. She pointed out some harsh truths from what we see in this thread, and she said it in a very kind fashion.

You've shown over and over and over in your posts on this thread that you're happy with just taking on a victim role, and taking zero ownership over your choices. Yes, your mom is in the wrong. But you don't have to continue being a victim; you choose that. Your only responses to your mom haven't been positive ones to bring about change in yourself.... they're just blame and manipulation that you're trying to use on your mom to punish her and make her feel as miserable as you do. You can't change another person. You can only change yourself; which you seem unwilling to do.

I gotta say, this thread is very helpful to me. My mother is exactly the same, only i have broken away, kind of. I havent seen her in a few years, but she leaves a voice mail or snail mail every few months. This thread helps me see why i am staying away. I wish you wouldnt wait until its too late like i did, but youre a man, you can have kids even when youre old. So at least there is that.

randman, I can see the points others are making but I gotta say, I find myself at odds with some of the ways these points are being said to you. As I have said before, there has not been one person here that has not had their "own" challenges and had to learn what they are saying to you. There has not been one person advising you that has not weeped in despair or even wondered about their self worth too. I am willing to say that I myself had encountered situations that I did not quite know how to deal with either.

I want to honor the fact that you "are" struggling and you have come to vent it out and get "support" and perhaps some insight from others who have learned from their challenges as well. There are good points, if you can read them and try to take away the criticisms of you and just think about what these confrontations are saying, you could walk away with food for thought rather than being "crushed" because you are already struggling with that, you don't need any encouragement to feed into that.

I still see that young man that was "hurt" by girls in school and for a long time he avoided that area of interacting. Well, often when someone gets hurt like that, they actually "avoid" not really realizing it. Actually, I think that what your mother has been doing with you is a lot like what those girls did to you and you actually never learned how to get past that challenge. You were never a bad person, you always wanted to be "good" and you are also "sensitive" too. You are very creative aren't you? This project you are working on, it's something very creative isn't it? Also, I am wondering if your mother had the control over your father too and he just went along with it? Often, we learn how to be that way "unknowingly" as we are watching our parents interact with each other. Also, these other posters who are advising you came from different families themselves, and maybe one was the oldest and had a more "in charge role" he or she was allowed to have. Well, you were an only child so you did not have the kind of sibling exposure/challenges/ boundary issues that others here may have had. Sometimes people have siblings they can see experience things and they learn from that, or have siblings that they can even talk with about parents or girl issues or school things too, but you did not have that. You don't even have a sibling that says to you, "oh yeah, mom does that with me too". I think that is why you have been talking to your friends about this challenge and getting their input, I don't see that as childish, I see that as "can you believe this?", and "what do you think?".

In light of the fact that you cannot afford to see a therapist right now, and knowing you are just trying to find some support and some "how to's", I don't want you to walk away from this thread feeling bad about yourself. I taught children for years and the one thing I did not want is any of them to walk away from not understanding something right away and feeling bad about themselves. And the last thing I want you to feel is bad because deep down you just want to be a good person either. I see in this new interaction you had with your mother, you did better and it did not turn into what it did the last time and you did not have a give in tantrum with her either, that is a step in the right direction. It was good that you shared what happened and got it out in writing so you could see the places you can improve on "next time", that is how we learn, and I never expected anyone to suddenly "just know", you made another attempt, good for you. This time you had more constructive words you could use with her, so that means you thought about what others have told you and made an attempt, and I think that deserves a pat on the back because you "did" try. And actually, from what you have discribed of your mother's behavior? Well, she is passive/agressive, soooo, you should look that up and also look up how to be more "assertive" because how you have responded to her means that what you did learn from her raising you is how to be passive/agressive. Also, learning about this will serve you well in the future too.

There are dynamics in your situation that you need to understand better (as I have mentioned before). Your mothers husband died, her world has changed and she is leaning on you for a reason for life and I hear that in her responses to you. Some of this is coming from her "fear of abandonment" issues, your desire for independence is a threat to her so no woman will be good enough. You are suddenly supposed to be a specialist about all this? Losing a life partner is a "big deal". You are all she has left from that life partnership too , so yeah, that can be a challenge. The pool and gym were not an issue until you made friends and it became a threat to "her" as you wanted to be with "friends and a GF rather than her". Well, you can't give in to that. You sent some important messages to her, but you can't send the "I will give in to you message". You need to learn how to be a "good person" and have boundaries too. And I "know" other posters had to learn that as well, I will step right up to the plate here and say, I am still learning things myself, well, we just do, we learn pretty much "all" our lives. So stop being "crushed" and just commit to learning how to better deal with this challenge. It really sounds to me like "you" are going to have to step up to the plate and be the adult in this scenario. Well, you will have to slowly "learn" how to do just that, might as well be with your mother, and actually most young adults end up testing the waters on their parents, that is what my own daughter did with me and I had to slowly learn how to respond to that challenge.

I just wanted to add something else here too that is a big part of "why" you feel crushed. I touched on this when I compared your mother with those girls in school that hurt you too. What both actions are expressing is "not caring about "your" feelings". From the behavior you have discribed of your mother, she is constantly saying "I feel this and I feel that" and I don't see her acknowledging "your feelings" in these interactions. Well, a "mother" is supposed to know how to acknowledge her child's feelings, it's a big part of "nurturing". A mother who raises a child and is always insisting on "her" opinions and feelings being recognized the most is raising her child to be a "codependant".

There is a book called Codependant No More by Melody Beattie. You gotta have a library near you, go and see if you can join the library and see if they have a copy of that book and take it out and read it.

Also, another good book to get and read too called Honoring the Self which a good book about self-esteem. The author is Nathaniel Branden.

Here is some of what he writes;

" Of all the judgements that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgement touches the very center of our existence.
....No significant aspect of our thinking, motivation, feelings, or behavior is unaffected by our self-evaluation......
The first act of honoring the self is the assertion of consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default on this effort is to default on the self at the most basic level.
To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgements.
To honor the self is to be willing to know not only what we think but also what we feel, what we want, need, desire, suffer over, are frightened or angered by--and to accept our right to experience such feelings. The opposite of this attitude is denial, disowning, repression--self-repudiation.
To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance--to which means to accept what we are, without self-oppression or self-castigation, without any pretense about the truth of our own being, pretense aimed at deceiving either ourselves or anyone else.
To honor the self is to refuse to accept unearned guilt, and to do our best to correct such guilt as we may have earned.
To honor the self is to be committed to our right to exist which proceeds from the knowledge that our life does not belong to others and that we are not here on earth to live up to someone else's expectation. To many people, this is a terrifying responsibility.
To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growh and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishnessin the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall argue, requires enormous independence, courage, and integrity."

And from "Codependent No More"..... We need to love ourselves and make a commitment to ourselves. We need to give ourselves some of the boundless loyalty that so many codependents are willing to give others. Out of high self-esteem will come true acts of kindness and charity, not selfishness.

OE

Since my last post and the responses that have come in, I've spent some time thinking about what's been said, and my overall actions with all of this.

I'm going to have say that everyone is right, especially toolman65, how my Mom and I are in some bizarre dynamic where the roles are flipped, and I ultimately cave and do what she wants. I don't know how to change that, that's why I came here. Yes, the easiest answer is just to walk out the door and leave, but sometimes the easiest solution isn't always the easiest answer. I'm sure that sounds like just another excuse, and to an extent it probably is. But I can't just walk out the door either, I have responsibilities. Being out on my own doesn't frighten me, regardless of the financial support I've received from my parents. I have traveled abroad and have lived on my own long enough that that sort of thing isn't the problem.

Like I said, I've thought long and hard about it, and one thing that occurs to me is that if I just walked out right now, I don't know how my Mom would cope. As upset and angry as I am with her, I am concerned for her, and abandoning her just doesn't sit well with me. You have to remember, my Mom and I have been close my entire life, probably too close as I have now come to realize it.

As Open Eyes pointed out, I have no brothers or sisters, so I have no one to lean on. My Mother was also an only child. We literally don't have much of a family left, everyone's either passed away or extended family are too far extended to care of have any concerns for us. It's really just us in a way. My friends are all I have, and all but one has moved away. That one friend lives with his Mother as well. So to walk out and just crash on a friend's couch doesn't exist for me, it really doesn't. If I walked out the door I would have to go to a hotel, or possibly a homeless shelter.

I've also come to the realization that having a relationship with someone probably isn't something I'm not even ready for, no matter how much I try to convince myself I am. If I'm not willing to stand up for anyone including myself, no female partner will ever put up with my B.S. and the drama with my Mother. Which leads me to believe that I probably won't ever be able to handle a relationship as long as my Mom is in the picture. The Roger Ebert scenario of waiting until she's not around might actually be a real good comparison to my future. And believe me, that's not what I wanted either. Never having taken a lover in my youth at my age now really upsets me and fills me with regret. The idea of waiting until I'm in my 50's or 60's to have a relationship with someone is quite sad to me, but again, what choice if I can't grow a pair and do what's necessary. It's my own fault, not my Mom's, and I recognize that.

It's not as if I don't see what my options are and what I need to do to get MY LIFE in order to where I'm happy and make my own choices. But I do feel trapped, both financially and emotionally. I hate to make this comparison, but it's the best example I can come up with at the moment. It's like these women who live with their husbands or boyfriends who are physically abusive to them. They know it's wrong, but they stick around anyways hoping that their man will change. That's honestly what it feels like. Will my Mom change? Not likely.

I guess part of this for me is because this is all very new; as hovering as she's been my entire life, my Mom has never told me what to do with my life in regards to career or who my friends can be. So even though I expected some sort of negativity from her when I decided to start openly dating, I didn't expect THIS. She's never seen me with a woman before, and this is something I didn't go through in my teenage or young adult years. Not that I'm defending her, but perhaps had I gone through these typical stages in my adolescence things might be different? But as I said, she's always been hovering, or as I like to call it, silent-over-control. She was doing it all these years without me knowing. She never pushed for me to try and make it on my own without her or my Dad's help, she was always there to support me whenever I would fall, especially financially. I only see and understand now that wasn't the best thing for me, as it's kept me dependent of her.

I came to this forum looking for support and constructive ways to try and deal with this. Granted some of the suggestions have been good, but Rose76 is right, I am looking for people to round up thinking that will somehow help with arguing my point to her. It won't help, she's made up her mind, no matter who tells her. The fact that she can't hear me say it, let alone her friends, should have been enough for me to realize that.

With that being said, there really isn't anymore to say. I know what I have to do, but actually doing it probably isn't likely to happen. Maybe one day. So I thank everyone for your suggestions and help.

Just being honest with yourself, as you seem to be doing, is a very big accomplishment. And it is empowering. Spending less time and mental energy on blaming your mother for your decisions may allow you to start thinking, realistically, of how to make the best of the circumstances you live in.

It's perfectly okay to decide that you are not going to move out. The next thing to do would be to start looking for a real job, even if it were part-time. You'll have more dignity and self-respect when you are earning your way as best you can. From the way you write, you obviously have acquired a good basic education. You're obviously a man of intelligence. See what you can do to use your talents. Be open to opportunities outside of the work that your "dream" was making you hope for. Sometimes, we are not the best judge of where we can be most productive.

Growing up and being an adult male who has a "set," so to speak, is not a matter of making some dramatic decision to drastically alter your living situation. It starts by making the best you can of where you are at now. As you assume more adult responsibilities, your mother will see you in a somewhat different light. She is not going to give up wanting to cling to you, but you will have more weight in the relationship, as you take on more initiative to provide for yourself.

You may have more of a future than you can imagine right now. Use your abilities as best you can to be as productive as possible.

Most people have suggested a great many things besides "leave". There are so many other things that you can be doing while living with her to make your life more fulfilling.

It's good to see that you're starting to look inside at yourself more. That's a great step and will be an ongoing challenge for you, because it's so easy to just look outside of ourselves and blame others/situations/luck/etc. So keep that up!

Going with what Rose just said about your job - you work from home right? Once you're done the project you're working on, it would probably be helpful to try and find a job outside of the home, to give you some more space away from your mom that's YOUR space where you can be interacting with other people.

And I thought in the Roger Ebert post it said that he just didn't tell his mother about the relationships he was in.. so thus didn't do anything like moving in with his partners or anything. That's still very much a possibiliy. You do not need to tell your mom every aspect of your life.

Which is clearly something that's been hard for you to do and your mom thinks she is entitled to know everything about your life. Which is why I earlier in the thread suggested that you just stick to "I'm going out. I'll be back later" when you leave. She'll get angry and throw some fits because she won't know what you're doing, but she can and will get used to that. Hell, you could go out and get groceries and you still don't have to tell her that's what you're doing. Once that's more established that you have a right to go and do things without her permission, it'll be easier to do things that you want to do.

You can still find happiness and indepdence while living and taking care of your mom.

A helpful book for you: Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

Ii believe the best action you could do right now is get a full time job. The money will help, the interaction with others will help and most of all , your self esteem will improve. It doesn't have to be a career, just a job.

As for your mom, give it a rest. Fighting her is a futile effort right now, because she has all the power. Once you get some new life experiences away from her, the way you view all this may change.

So I'm back here writing tonight, not because I'm seeking advice or pity, but just as a place to write and get my frustrations out. I don't have a diary or blog, and I just need someplace to vent. I don't expect replies, as nothing much has changed over the course of the last several weeks. I know what I have to do to make certain changes in my life, but right now I just need to write to get it out of my system.

It's been 12 weeks since my last major blow-up with my Mom, and 12 weeks since I stopped going to the pool. In that time, I've only been out of the house literally three times on my own, and only for a couple of hours. I've been out a few more times for about an hour, half a dozen times to run a couple of errands. Any other time I've been out has been with my Mom, but again, maybe half a dozen times. So for in 12 weeks, I've been outside of the house a total of maybe 12 hours. I feel trapped, like I'm prison. I can't go anywhere without permission from my mom.

Granted, I was very busy all of January, working on a project that I've mentioned before. It kept me busy and on call with the people I'm working with. Otherwise, it's 98% complete; a few hours of week is still happening, but enough that it's pretty much done.

When I have gone out the few times that I have, I've gone job hunting. I'm applied at a few places, online as well. No bites, but I hope something happens soon. I'm starting to go crazy living in the same house with my mom. I eat my meals with her pretty much in silence, and she says nothing. I've never felt so depressed and heartbroken in my life. I deeply miss my ex-GF, I miss the pool, I miss my friends. Going out and doing what I want will result in my mom losing her mind. She needs to know what I'm doing and where I'm going at all times. It's pointless to argue with her.

I hadn't heard from my ex-GF since mid-January. It seemed pointless to continue texting with her, and she was frustrated and angry with me for letting my mom walk all over me. I can't argue with that. Then she texted me out of the blue last week, asked if I was okay, and suggesting I come back to the pool. I told her I couldn't, as it would result in my mom going wild yet again. However, earlier this week I had a chiropractor appointment. It was one of the few times in the last 12 weeks that my mom decided not to tag along (which is rare for her). My physical body has suffered from not going to the pool, and my low back and leg muscles are starting to get very weak. My chiropractor has known my mom for a very long time, and can see how bull-headed and stubborn my mom has been towards me, and sees how my mom's attitude towards me having my own life has resulted in the decay of our relationship, even though my mom doesn't see it that way.

After my chiropractic appointment, I found myself on the other side of the city and time to myself for a change. I texted my ex-GF. She agreed to meet me for a coffee. She seemed quite happy to see me, and we talked about everything that's been going on. She said she didn't fully understand how this could be happening to me, but understood that my mom is out of control, and that's got to be difficult for me. She said everyone at the pool misses me, and asks about me all the time. They understand that my mom has done a number on me. As my ex-GF stated, she's emotionally castrated me.

It felt so good to see my ex-GF, but also incredibly depressing; it just reminded me of all the feelings I still have for her. Of course our coffee has to be kept a secret, god forbid if my mother ever found out that I saw her again. It's like I'm a criminal, or we're having some sort of affair, where neither of us have done nothing wrong. It's Orwellian almost, and mom is Big Brother.

I spoke with a therapist online a few weeks ago. He suggested that my mom does not see me as an adult, but as a 16 year old rather than 36. Sure, she knows my actual age, but can't get past the emotional idea that I'm an adult. He also suggested that financial dependence is a big factor in all of this, and she knows damn well that she can control me in that way. And setting boundaries and having privacy, which I tried with my mom; the therapist said that she sees that as secrets and lies, and cannot see the difference, as that must have been how she was raised with her parents. And I think the therapist is right about that, because that's how I was raised, even though I know it's wrong.

I guess the big hurdle is getting out and being financially dependent. If I had a job starting tomorrow, it wouldn't be enough to cover my living expenses and credit card debts. Moving out would result in my mom no longer helping me with those debts, which would financially ruin me. I need to get my finances and debts under control so that I won't have to rely on her and having to worry about her not making the payments. I'm planning on devoting all of my time job hunting until I actually get something... anything. I also need to get out of this house, it's killing me being locked up in here all the time.

In the meantime, the depression of all of this has really taken a toll on me. I'm not eating much, and I caught the flu a few weeks (even my mom caught it from me). I can't even barely look at my mom anymore, and I resent and hate her more than I thought could ever be possible. I feel robbed of a relationship with someone I cared about, and she doesn't care. I don't know what she wants from me, but clearly it's not to be happy. I kept giving her the pass that it's because of my father's death, but I can't give her that anymore. And speaking of my dad, I keep having recurring dreams of him and my mom, where all we're doing is fighting all the time. That's got to mean something?

Fingers crossed that I'll land a job soon. I can't take it anymore, I'm tired of being so depressed all the time, something needs to change quick.

Get up early, shower, shave, get dressed and GET OUT THE DOOR. Sitting in your own prison will not change anything and it only erodes your mental state.

Until you find work; volunteer, walk the neighbours dog, anything.

Until you can go back to the pool; walk, everywhere.

Until you have place of your own: stay away from your mother from as much as you can. Go to the library, go to the mall, go for another walk. Stay in touch with your friends, no matter how depressing. Many jobs go unadvertised. The more people know that you are looking for work the better.

Attend an Al-Anon meeting. Your mom may not be an alcoholic, but read the 12 steps and substitute "mom" for "alcohol" and you will see what i mean.

Priorities:

Fight isolation at every opportunity.

Walking (she can't whine about the car if you don't use it)

Wake up with a purpose (even if that purpose is to get the hell out of there for a few hours)

Above all , you must realize that you are stuck in a prison where the doors unlock from the inside.