Over-controlling Mother (Won't let me have a relationship)

Hello PsychCentral,

I'm new here, so I hope that my first post isn't going to be to overwhelming, and isn't considered too much from a first timer. I suppose it's best if I start from the beginning though, so here it goes.

I'm 36 years of age, I think I've realized that my Mother can be somewhat over-controlling, and has decided that she's going to make the decisions for certain aspects of my life, specifically when it comes to dating and having a relationship with the opposite sex.

Now I'm an only child, and my Mom is as well. I grew up in a pretty normal middle-class American style family. I was a good kid growing up, rarely got into any trouble, and always respected and obeyed my parents. I was also somewhat of a spoiled child; not that I was showered with whatever I wanted, but my parents made sure that if there was something worth having, they would try to accommodate.

I was a kid who pretty much stayed home most of the time; I didn't have that many friends, and was pretty much branded a geek/nerd. And when it came to girls, I always knew even at a very young age, that I liked them. And I always believed that having a girlfriend and getting married was a noble pursuit in life, but also something I very much wanted.

But something happened to me when I hit puberty, something drastically changed my attitude towards them. I became incredibly afraid of them. One reason I know for a fact, is that the girls in school would tease me into thinking they liked me, only for it to be a joke, to which I guess was to embarrass me as their end goal. So by the time I got into high school, I had a hard time trusting them, and my confidence and self-esteem was very low. But there was always another factor in the back of my mind - "what would my parents think and/or do to me if they found out I liked a girl, or had a girlfriend?" Especially my Mother.

At age 19 I moved away from home to pursue my career in the entertainment industry; a very, very difficult business to even try to get into. But both my parents fully supported my decision, especially my Mom. And that's one thing about my Mom, she's always been very supportive it most everything I chose to do in my life, or so I thought.

I spent my 20's living by myself in my own place, working on my career, but working a "real" 9-5 job to pay the bills. My parents had access to my apartment, and I would see them at least once a week when they came into the city (they lived out of town on a farm, and I was in the city). I had no problems with them coming and going as they pleased, because I never felt I had anything to hide from them. Though my Mom never did say anything specially to my memory, but it felt that there was always this underlying unsaid rule, "No girls allowed".

By my mid to late 20's, I built some confidence back with women, and did meet the occasional girl. There was one girl I met, to which we began talking to each other a couple of times per week over the phone. But immediately as our relationship began, I kept it a secret from my folks. I felt embarrassed and scared of what they might think or say. So to say the least, this girl and I didn't last long.

In 2008 my father became ill. So girls and my career were no longer a priority. I ended up working full time at a job I extremely disliked, but it had to be done in order to pay the bills and keep things afloat. In 2010 he passed away, and my Mom and I decided that it would be best if she sold the farm, and moved into the city. I ended up quitting my job, and started to refocus on my long-term career once again. By doing this and my Mom selling the farm, we both fell onto financial hardships. We decided to help each other by selling each of our places, and moving in together to help save some money; but always with the intention of be being on my own again at some point.

In the past eight years, I've been going to a gym a couple of times per week, and in those eight years, I've made some friends there. And for the first time in my life, I met someone who I felt very comfortable to be around, and who I genuinely really liked. We'd known each other for a while, but because of a social outing with the people at the gym one evening, we ended up really hitting it off. When I would get home from the gym from time to time, I would mention this girl to my Mom, to which she never acknowledged, she just sat and listened. And I figured regardless of my fears and speculations I have about my Mom and me dating, at some point in my life I'm going to have to get over this, and just do it already.

So the night before our first official date, I mentioned to my Mom that I was going out for dinner tomorrow night with this girl. Her eyes got incredibly wide and she angrily asked me who was going to be paying for dinner, because it certainly wasn't going to be me. I was taken back by this, and really didn't respond, because I didn't know how to to respond to that - I was kind of stunned. In my mind, this was a date, and a guy always paid for the meal on a first date. So I just shrugged my shoulders and that was the end of it.

So Friday night date night arrives, I'm getting ready and proceed to head out the door. My Mom asks me where I'm going. I said I'm going out with this girl. And in a growling angry tone told me, "Fine, go out with your HOOKER!" I was absolutely shocked, and felt I was doing something wrong. But I went anyway, and my dinner with this girl was fine, but in the back of my head the entire time, all I kept thinking about was how my Mom yelled at me for going out.

When I got home that evening, I really got it from her. She said that she was surprised that I even came home, and that I had no business going out and buying "some woman" dinner, when she's sitting at home eating leftovers. And that I had no business going out on a date, especially when finances are tight. And it didn't matter that I paid for her dinner with my own money, it's money that I shouldn't be spending, especially on a girl. What's interesting about this, is it's fine when I go out with my guy friends, and if I happen to buy them dinner. But this, this took the wind right out of me.

I met with a friend a few days later, and told him what happened. He suggested that it truly may be financial, and that my Mom was worried some girl might be just stringing me along for a free ride. I felt that it might be possible, but deep down, I said to him I think there's something bigger here; I've always speculated about this with my Mom, for nearly 20 years.

Another week went by, and I kind of mentioned what was going on with my Mom to this girl. Now mind you, this girl has a full time job, lives on her own, and is very independent. But she understood what might give my Mom this impression, so she had no problem with her buying me dinner. So the next date we went on, she said she'd pay. I told my Mom that we were going out again, and that she was paying, and this girl wasn't interested in me for anything financial. Surprisingly, my Mom said nothing. In fact, she calmed right down over the course of the next several weeks, not saying much at all about this girl, and let me go about my business with her. I thought maybe my friend was right, this was all really about finances, and now that we're over this hump, her and I could freely see each other, which we did for the next several weeks. She even invited me to her cousin's wedding, where I met her wonderful family.

So it finally came down to the point where I wanted my Mom to meet my girlfriend, and my girlfriend wanted to meet her. So plans were made and the three of us went for dinner. I really couldn't gauge how things were going throughout meal, and I was nervous about the entire situation, but things seemed to be going okay, or so I thought. At one point, my girlfriend gently and briefly touched my arm, twice. No other physical contact was made between us during that time. And my Mom was cordial and polite, and that was that. But when the evening was over and my Mom and I went home, the next couple of days were a disaster.

My Mom called her everything in the book, and how she was just using me for sex (even though we hadn't slept together). Or that she was too old for me (she's four year's older than I am), and that she expected better from me. Or that she just was using me to get pregnant, because she's getting close to 40, and that her biological clock was ticking. She kept making all these accusations about her, none of which were true. And then she brought up the fact that she put her hand on my arm during dinner, and that "she kept pawing at me". My Mom said she had no business touching me like that, especially when we've only been dating for a little over a month. (The flip-side to that story is, when I told that to my girlfriend about what my Mom had said, she told me that her Mother, who I'd met her at her cousin's wedding, told my girlfriend to "give that boy some attention", when it came to public displays of affection. The complete opposite of my Mom's attitude). But god forbid my Mom knew about the hot and heavy make-out sessions we've had in my car.

My Mom also started crying and complaining that she was sick, and to take her to a nursing home to die already. (My Mom's 61, and she does have some physical issues going one, but nothing to the extent of what she said she was really feeling). And she kept doing this over the course of the next several of days, making me feel guilty and depressed.

When I saw my girlfriend at the gym a few days later, she said that she suspected that my Mom didn't like her. She told me that our dinner felt like a date that my Mom and I were on, and that she was left out of the conversation entirely; it was my Mom telling her about all the places we'd been on family vacations, and so forth. My girlfriend was upset, but said we could continue seeing each other if I wanted, but she wouldn't be kept a secret from my Mom. I agreed, as I wanted to continue seeing her.

In the meantime, throughout the course of me dating this girl, some things finally prospected in my career in a big way. My friends kept saying things were finally turning around for me, a girl in my life, and my career aspirations finally paying off. But little did they or I know, the girlfriend thing was about to completely collapse.

I had gotten a call to go on a trip for a new work endeavour, but before I was to leave, my friends and I were going to lunch and to see a movie. I invited my girlfriend to come along, because I wouldn't be seeing her for a few weeks, and I wanted my friends to meet her. Perhaps they might see something in her that I didn't, and maybe my Mom was right about her. My friends thought my girlfriend was lovely, and that my Mom was just being overprotective and overstepping her bounds, and that I should continue to see her regardless of what my Mom thinks of her.

The day before I get on a plane, my girlfriend calls me to wish me luck and say good-bye. My Mom's head explodes. She asked why she was still calling me, and told me that I should have ended it with her over a week ago, like she told me. My Mom then asked if she came to lunch and the movie with my friends. By this point I felt that didn't have a choice, so I lied and told her that she wasn't with us. She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to start chaperoning me with my friends, to the gym where I met my girlfriend, and even threatening to get a hold of my cell phone records, as she wanted to know what I could possibly be texting with this woman all the time, and that if our texts are that secretive and private, we must be hiding something. She then started lecturing me about sex, as if I was 14 years old, and telling me that I needed to find someone who was my own age, and who was still a virgin. I told her that she's got some fantasy woman in her mind that doesn't exist, and that she'll never approve of anyone. She told me that's not true, and that there's a that specific woman out there. I then told her that she had it in for my girlfriend before she even met her, to which she replied, "she knew in her gut that there was something wrong with that girl from the start."

It was at this point I realized there was no way I could continue this relationship with this girl. I got on a plane the next morning, and was miserable my entire trip. When I got back, I told my girlfriend we couldn't continue seeing each other, and that my Mom went completely nuts on me for seeing her. My girlfriend was hurt, but understood the situation. She did however leave me with one thing that I took to heart. She told me that she knew the kind of girl my Mom would approve of... her (my Mom). Not literally her, but "her".

This all happened in September, it's now December, and I've been absolutely miserable since. Work has been good, but I feel my personal life is in shambles. My now ex-girlfriend has moved on, to which that really twisted the knife in deeper. The gym where I met her and had been going to for eight years, I stopped going. For one, the pain of seeing this girl really hurts. And two, the friends I made there, well my Mom considers them awful people and doesn't want me hanging around them, because in her mind, they encouraged our relationship. And in the last few weeks I haven't gone, my Mom hasn't said one word. And she seems completely content about it actually, that things are now back to the way they're supposed to be.

And here's the thing. I've always been very close with my Mom, and she's always been supportive in everything that I've chosen to do with my life, obviously except this. Some of my friends who've known me since childhood, and my Mom, didn't seem surprised in many ways that my Mom would do this to me, and have all said that my Mom overstepped her bounds far beyond what's rationale or reasonable.

I'm incredibly hurt by what she's done to me, and I feel very resentful of her as well. Not only in what she did to my relationship with this woman who I deeply cared for, but for hurting friendships I'd made at the gym. And then there's the overall idea that she seems to want to have complete control in my love life. And as I said from the very beginning, it's something I always suspected of her since I was a teenager. And if that's the case, I think she would be happy with me being single forever. Even though she has said occasionally in the past, "when you get married." But how I am supposed to get married if I can't even date, or barely leave the house.

Everyone is telling me I need to move out and to take charge of my own life, and not to let her control me this way, as it just enables her by letting her get her way. And I want to move out, very badly. But that's not something I can do tomorrow or next week. Based on both our financial situations, I'm unable to do that for at least another year. But I'm making plans (without saying anything to her of course), and trying to strategize a way out. But even when I do move out, how do deal with her and my wanting to have a relationship with somebody? I honestly believe she'll never approve of anyone, which really hurts. But I don't want to cut her out of my life either, as she's really the only family I have left.

So any advice would be so helpful. Thank you for your patience.

Dear Randman78, You sound like a very devoted son. I understand it is important for you to love and respect your mother, but you deserve the same! You to deserve to have a happy and fulfilling life with your friends and future relationships. Mom is being selfish maybe narcissistic. I am not criticizing her. I have a very similar relationship with my mother and I have learned over the years that if I did everything her way I would never find myself. Good luck and remember you can still love mom but you must also love yourself!

It's not true that you couldn't continue seeing this girl. You could have. But it would have greatly angered your mother. You chose to stop seeing this girl in order to placate your mom. Until you own that, you cannot do anything to change your situation.

Until you realize exactly what you are doing and have been doing, you won't be able to choose to do differently. Sometimes life involves hard choices, where no option is a happy one. You want to be your own person in charge of your own life and be on good terms with your mom. It's going to be impossible to have both all the time. Life involves hard choices.

Also, you need to give your mom a little more credit for her own ability to survive. Her head will not explode, if you disappoint her. Her head will stay right where it is on her shoulders. You really believe that your mom just couldn't possibly cope with you becoming your own person. So you see yourself as making huge sacrifices in order to preserve her from what might destroy her. Maybe she isn't really that fragile. Maybe she can adapt a lot better than you believe. O yeah, there'll be drama and upset and all kinds of pleading and threatening and accusing you of not caring. She will make scene, after scene, after scene. Those "scenes" are not the end of the world. That's what you need to understand.

It's not your mom who is controlling you. It is your own fear.

Your mommy dearest is committing emotional incest with you, and you should try to make amends with your girlfriend. Your mother needs to makes friends of her own and not rely exclusively on you for companionship.

Eventually aprons springs must be cut. Moms often have hard times doing it themselves. You need to take control of YOUR life.

Finances are always going to be an issue about moving out on your own and her having her own, but there is no other choice if you want to have a social life and fall in love and want to start your own relationships and/or a marriage.

Does your mother work? have friends? hobbies? . If she has only "you" then that has to change because " you" can't be there for her 24/7 on a relationship of all levels.

It's always best to have a sit down and talk face to face about things with her, If shes just not receptive to that type of communication, then you just need to get really busy with your life and just not engage in heated discussions with her. Just walk away. Respect goes both ways, If shes not able to respect you , well then you can and should walk away.

Maybe she would do well to see a Therapist to help her work out her feelings about this entire mess.

Don't allow her to dictate who you see and what your doing.

Take control of you life.

Welcome to PC

Hi randman78, welcome to PC. Congradulations on the new job and that things at work are going well for you. You also sound like a very "considerate" person and that is such a good quality, something I personally admire in someone.

I think that your mother is having a hard time having her "own" life and with the loss of her husband is probably very lost. Then her lifestyle changed from living with your father and you being independent and her slowly accepting that, to as I said, losing her own foundation and security with her husband and the farm. It also sounds to me that your parents did love you and did their best to raise you and support you too. And you were challenged when it came to developing your own sense of self esteem and some guys go through high school and have a few years where they are somewhat gauky and girls "can" be mean about that sadly. That experience can serve to hold a guy back when it comes to having the courage to approach girls as you have discribed and that part of growing can be delayed, not your fault either. During all that you at least enjoyed having supportive caring parents which was fortunate for you to have as there are people that have challenges that don't have that kind of support which can make it harder to get past that challenge.

Right now your mother has not been able to move past her "I am a parent" stage in her life and I don't think she is really aware that she is making a big mistake with that either. A parent can get so used to being "the parent" for so many years that when a child does finally move out, it can be hard to adjust. This period even has a name to it too "empty nest syndrome". As I said, in your situation that was even more complicated when your father passed, your mother gave up her farm and no longer had a marriage and a life partner. Your moving in together was something she did know how to do though, it gave her something familiar that she had done for many years and the human brain likes that, we all feel comfort with going along in a "pattern" of "knowing".

Everyone knows that life changes are traumatic, that when people retire they can actually feel lost because they are not following a routine they have gotten used to following for so many years. It is also a known fact that if a person gradually prepares for this and develops a prepared routine of continued activity and sense of purpose, they fair much better when they do retire. So, with your mother, she has not taken on new friends and slowly developed activities that give her a sense of purpose, instead she is still "your mother" in her purpose.

What your mother needs is a purpose to her life other than being your mother. Your mother needs to learn how to be independent herself, make friends and have interests of her own. It could be that she never really did that but only learned how to be a wife, then a mother and that was "her" life. Unfortunately, your mother came from a generation where that was what many women did with their lives, be a mother and a wife and run the home. So your mother is merely doing "what she knows". And with your father's passing and her moving in with you? Well, you fit into two roles, the child and the partner, that is what her behavior patterns are showing in what you are discribing. So what your mother needs is to have help finding other things she can slowly include in her life, and that takes time. In a way she needs to have happen what you had happen where you joined a gym and began making friends and started learning how to do that in your life and actually liking it. You did deserve to have that girlfriend and begin to "enjoy" that experience, it was good for you to finally have that experience and slowly move forward and away from that guy that took more time to mature that girls picked on. Unfortunately, your mother felt her role/ lifestyle was threatened, and I don't think she really understands that about herself either. And you cannot expect yourself to take the place of both "partner and son" either, that is not healthy for you.

Your mother needs to learn how to do life another way that feels fulfilling, comfortable, and productive to her. What "can" be helpful is trying to get her involved with groups of people her own age somehow and that might have to happen with you taking her to places where she can slowly get introduced to these individuals and activities and get to slowly enjoy it, and that does take time, however, she can, like you did, slowly begin to enjoy it, and even want it more as you did yourself. It would be nice if she could even meet a potential new partner too as that is something "familiar" to her in her life. You just need to be creative in getting her into situations where she can reconnect with others her own age and get to where she begins to enjoy it. Maybe take some time to search some of these places where her age group connects and does things together. You may even talk to her doctor to see if he can suggest your mother join a group that gets seniors in workout programs so they improve with doing physical activities. I would suggest a therapist, however, your getting her to see a therapist could be a threat to her and put her on the defensive.

You simply cannot spend the rest of "your" life filling the role of her partner and child, it is not healthy for you. And she isn't going to like any potential partner or change that you want to partake in that will interupt with her doing what she knows how to do. And she will not realize this about herself either, unfortunately this does take place a lot with human beings. Human beings like doing patterns they are used to doing and often don't realize this can be unhealthy for others.

As was mentioned above, YOU CHOSE to break up with your GF, nobody made you.

You chose your mom over your GF, its as simple as that.

Sick, but simple.

Why on earth you would even consider that, idk....



May have something to do with being such a good teenager and young adult. Angering and disappointing our parents are a natural part of growing up. It helps us assert and find our independence, forces us to mature, because that's when most of our stupidest mistakes are made. Hopefully in the end it proves our parents love us no matter what kind of dumbass choices we make, or it teaches us that they're self -centered turdsacks, and that we're better off without them.

Seems you skipped that phase entirely...

Now for mother dearest...

She survived HER HUSBAND DYING, no doubt she will survive you dating. So stop falling for her old age home theatrics.

Moving out won't help your plight at all. She'll expect keys to your apartment, and go through your things, then scold you for having condoms, or something equally retarded... Then you throw them in the bin to placate her, and dump another GF for NO GOOD reason AT ALL.

Rinse, wash and repeat sick cycle.

Reconcile with your GF before too much time has passed, tell her you choose her, not your mom.

Tell her you were scared, stressed and stupid, that you panicked because it was the first time you found yourself in that situation... that she must please try to forgive you, you know better now.

Your mom won't live forever, what are you gonna do? Wait until she keels over and dies before you date, or fly solo toward your own grave?


I don't mean to sound nasty, I promise I'm just being blunt, you have a back bone guy, learn how to use it already.


Seriously, get that lovely girl back, before you lose all self -respect.

I usually don't give advice in chat rooms, but in your case....

I can identify with you because i went through the EXACT same thing.

I am the youngest of 3 boys. When my father passed in 1984 i was 19
and going to school. My mother , who was an educated professional, took it very hard. Even though we all knew that dad was in poor health, it was a shock for her.

Over time i noticed that her attitude towards me became more possessive, especially with my dating life. It got increasingly weird, to the point where she would actually sulk if i had plans. One time she even disconnected the phone and hid it because i was "infatuated" with a new girlfriend (1988, before cell phones).

Things calmed down for a time. then, in 1994, she became very ill and almost died. I moved in with her because she couldn't live alone.
Things only got worse. I actually gave up dating because it would make her so upset.

In 2002 she died from her illness. Since then i have had a few girlfriends
and even lived with one for several years. But , i believe the woman i was meant to be with, i met when i couldn't date anyone, because it would send mom into fits.

When your father passed, your mother simply changed your job description from "son" to "life partner"

You had no say in the matter, because in her eyes, you are a possession, not an equal. She has manipulated you into a situation that has brought you here. She has exploited your loyalty and used guilt and tantrums to get you to placate.

You give in to this because you love her and in your mind, she is still the ultimate authority figure.

If you truly want out, start by finding a place to stay. A friends couch for a weekend to start. when she flips out (and she will) remind her that you are a grown man and not her dog. Eventually she will either accept this, or she will change tactics. Be prepared.

Can you move in with a friend?

Finally, talk to your ex girlfriend. Explain the situation and how she was just an innocent bystander.

good luck!!

I wonder if your mother has narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to look into that, in order to understand what you are dealing with.

It was unwise of you to choose your mother over your girlfriend. If you want to have happpiness in life, you must break free of her domination. Have you considered seeking help from a therapist?

Thanks everyone for your input, it's most appreciated.

I'll try to respond to some of the questions and comments made above, as well as give you all a little more detail about other things regarding this issue.

I agree with you Rose, as did my ex-girlfriend. She told me I made the decision to chose, not my Mom. And it's something I definitely have to work at with myself to try and overcome.

My Mom ran the office for my Dad's business the entire time they were married. She also had a lot of other jobs in her life, both before getting married and while married. She worked at a bank, travel agency, sold cosmetics and jewellery, dabbled in real estate. She always had a passion to do stuff, and always kept herself busy. But since my Dad's death, and even a few years beforehand, she's really not done much of anything.

She doesn't have as many friends anymore either. She used to go out with "the ladies" from time to time, but not so much anymore. Her one close friend she's had since school is nearby, and they have lunch about once a month. Other than that, she pretty much stays at home all the time. No hobbies either.

She likes to blame everything on financial problems, that she can't afford to go out and do anything. We also have a diabetic cat who is a senior, and she needs to be given a shot of insulin twice a day. She also likes to use that as an excuse that she can't go anywhere or do anything. Not that it isn't really a excuse either, because we both love the cat, and we would never give her up, or put her down for no reason when she's perfectly healthy otherwise, but she's used this an excuse to not go out, even when I've said I'll stay home and look after the cat. I actually try to encourage her to go out more, but she doesn't.

Sitting down and having a "face to face" with her has never been the way my family has done things. One of the reasons I'm having so much difficulty with this epedmic is because since she last yelled at me in September and told me to end it with my girlfriend, I've stayed quiet ever since. This resentment, anger and hurt has been building and building inside of me, but I feel I can't talk with her about this at all. She'll call me crazy, and knowing her like I do, would probably say something like, "Fine, go to your *****!" So I just bottle it up inside and go about my work, saying nothing.

I would love nothing more for her to do that, but she'd never in a million years do it. She considers therapy for quacks, and then there's the whole issue of the cost of it, which she'd surely use as another excuse. Her friend has even told her she should see someone, because she seems depressed all the time.

I would love to go to therapy myself and deal with my own issues regarding this, but my Mom always needs to know where I'm going and what I'm doing, always. And she would never approve of me seeing a therapist either. My friends have said they would cover for me, and even lie if need be if I wanted to go see someone. But as I stated in my first post, when I lived on my own, I let my parents come and go to my apartment as they pleased, because I had nothing to hide from them (to an extent). That has somewhat carried on in our new living arrangements; so all the bank and credit card statements, she see's them all, and would surely question a charge of a therapist. So I don't know how I'm going to be able to do that one.

For sure, I think she's still having a hard time with it. I think she's also dealing with a losing a lot of people in her life, going back all the way to 1990, when her Mother (my Grandmother) passed away. Her Dad (my Grandfather) remarried a few years later, and she's resented him and his new wife ever since. Not to say that his new wife and family are a bowl of peaches either, but that's entirely another story, but I know it does add to the mix of her issues.

My Mom has been very negative over the last several years as well. Especially about how the world has gone to hell, people being so stupid, no common sense, etc. And I'll be the first to admit, some of that negativity has rubbed off on me; my friends tell me they see it all the time.

But there's still the fact that I'd always suspected that she'd react in a negative way to me dating or having a girlfriend. And my suspicions came true; not that I knew exactly what she would say or do, but she did react negatively. I've been digging deep into my past, trying to figure out where that's come from, and why I've always felt that way. I don't recall her ever saying or doing anything, so I'm at a loss, other than it was just intuition and knowing my Mother better than I realized.

And since this entire ordeal has happened, I've picked up other things from her, more negativity obviously. But things that feel to me like subliminal messages. For example, she watches Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every night during dinner. A lot of the time when there's a female contestant on, she'll always say "how ugly that woman is", or "where do they find these stupid women". She never comments about the men, it's always the women. To me, that feels like her trying to tell me that there's no one out there for me, so don't even consider looking for a mate because they're all just no good. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know?

In one way, I'm kind of glad this all happened, simply because it's opened my eyes, I mean it really opened my eyes. And it's given me the motivation to move forward and make some drastic changes in my life. Like I said previously, it can't or won't happen tomorrow. Again, finances are an issue, and I plan on going back to work full time the start of the new year. I would go now, but the big project that has the potential to move my career forward, well I'm working on it as we speak, and it will be completed at the end of January. But any real results from it won't been seen until late 2015. But I plan to spend the majority of next year getting "my house" in order, with the intention of moving out by the end of it, or early 2016. The only thing that sucks about it, is that it's another year of my life gone. And like I said, I'm kind of glad this did happen, because it's given me a reality check. It's just too bad it didn't happen sooner in life for me, cause I ain't getting any younger.

You phrased it pretty much the exact way one of my friends did, one who I've known since high school. That was just it, I completely skipped that phase of my life. I think being an only child added to that pressure, plus my parents could be very strict; they always expected better from me. So I always did what I was told, and always tried to do the responsible thing.

I agree with you to a point, as I've thought about that. Moving to the other side of the city won't help, you're right. She'll expect keys, and go through my things. It's funny you mention condoms, because I purchased condoms when I was living on my own, and kept them under the sink in my bathroom. Not that I was actually seeing anyone, but they were there for a "just-in-case" moment happened. But you nailed it, Trippin. I did exactly that back then yet, I threw them out so that my Mom wouldn't find them, because I knew she'd freak out.

But back to the point of moving out - just moving out alone isn't going to work. And my Mom has told me several times that both her and my Dad still lived at home until they got married. So it's obvious to me that she doesn't want me leaving her. But because of my career aspirations, I really should move 1,700 miles away to California. I think that's the only real way to make it work, moving literally half-way across the continent. That's the goal, and hopefully something that will give me more independence.

As far as my ex-GF is concerned, I haven't spoken with her in over a month. That is until she texted me the other day, asking me to please come back to the gym, and that I was missed. One of my friends said I need and should go, and that I shouldn't stop going there because my Mom feels threatened by her and the people I associate with there. And he's right. So I'm going back tomorrow night for the first time in a month. We'll see how it goes.

Reconciling with my ex-GF - I don't think that'll happen. For one, she's moved on and is seeing someone else. And two, I feel really bad for dragging her into my emotional mess, and it's completely unfair to her. I think all we can ever be at this point is just friends, even though I wish it could be more than that between us.

Christina has given you good advice. I would add that my mother was very much like you describe; she never gave us (my siblings and me) permission to have our own lives. Trying to live by her rules (to keep the peace) only encouraged her to make more and more rules (which I see in your narrative.)

If possible I would encourage Mother to start seeing a counselor, although she will likely refuse.

You deserve your own life and your own love relationship.

If your mom is opening your mail, that is a bad thing. Letting her do that is the same as saying, "My business is your business."

You need some boundaries. That would be a place you could start. If she won't stop opening your mail, get a mail box of your own at the post office.

Maybe she moved on because you were not available. Maybe she would not move on if you were available. Wouldn't it be worthwhile to find out? She did contact you. Maybe she misses you too.

She can be the judge of that.

Here is a little experiment, which scenario looks better?:

Scenario 1: "Ex-gf, I'd like for us to be together again I suffered without you over the last few months, I've missed you terribly. But I know this can never happen because it isn't fair to you to drag you into my mess and, in all honesty, I don't think you can handle it or or should want to."

Scenario 2: "Ex-gf, I'd like for us to be together again. I suffered without you over the last few months, I've missed you terribly. I can see now that I was wrong to choose my mother over you. I am determined to change my life. If we are together again, I know you will help me and with your help, together we will make it happen. What do you think?"

You can spend your life wishing for more...or you can take steps, now, to get more.

Same thing about seeing a therapist. Are you going to do what is best for you...or are you going to let your mother continue her total control?

You speak of a year from now. You said that it is another year gone. yes. But it does not have to be that way. The issue isn't where you live or where you get your mail. The issue is making a simple decision that you are going to start seeking what you wish for, and having privacy, whether or not your mother yells at you or speaks unkindly about your friends.

People here can help you make the decision, and help you deal with her, once you make the decision. A good therapist can definitely help you make the decision, and help you deal with her, once you make the decision.

Now is a great time to start to free yourself. Go to the gym. Call your ex-girlfriend. See a therapist. Live your life!

"My Mom ran the office for my Dad's business the entire time they were married." quote randman78.

This means your mother spent many years being "involved" with another person's business and affairs. This kept giving her permission to be involved in a way where she did not really have boundaries when it came to others. She got used to opening the mail and it did not matter who's name was on that mail, she grew to feel she had the right to open it. And, you also got used to her running things and knowing all about your father's business which is why you went along with her just coming to your apartment and having the right to know whatever you had there too. Your mother "learned" to know all about your father and his business as well as you and your business. It sounds like your mother really "ran" your father and you all her life, that is "her" normal so she is not going to think anything is wrong with her when she is giving her opinions to you about your life as she has always done that in her life.

Yes, you got a wake up call when you began living your own life. It is important to realize that "yes" your mother is not going to "know" how to let go of her control as she had been doing this for so many years. You know that saying, "Old habits die hard"? It is so true. And you are "right" no matter what woman you find and want to have a relationship with, your mother will find fault with her. Your mother will fault anything that she can't control too.

You have to be willing to see this reality and give yourself permission to break free of it too. And you will also have to realize that your mother is not going to like it either. Yes, your mother should have therapy, because she needs to learn how to "accept" letting go of that role she had always played in her life that she learned it was ok to have all that control.

You need to set boundaries. I know that you are caught in this cycle and don't want to upset your mother. But what is the worse thing can happen? So she finds out you are going to a therapist. She doesn't approve and doesn't think you should be spending your money on it. So what? You work, she doesn't. You need a neutral 3rd party to work out these issues and set boundaries. You are in the prime of your life and you are squandering it away because you are afraid of upsetting your mom. You will never get this time back. Go back to the gym. It's good for your body and social life. Maybe you will get back with your ex and maybe not, but at least you will reconnect with friends.

Seriously you have every right to date who you want. You have every right to some privacy and a sex life and not being treated like you are 14. Your mom has serious issues. Don't make them your issues. You are not responsible for her happiness. She will get over you living your own life. You need to separate your living situation as soon as possible.

Do not give her a key. Hopefully a therapist can help you to say "mom, I love you, I want you in my life and I will invite you over when I'm home and we can visit. But you cannot have free access to every detail of my life. It doesn't mean I love you any less. It just means I'm an adult and have the right to my privacy."

Seriously one day your mom will be gone and then you will be "free". However, if that doesn't happen for 20 + years and you haven't set boundaries and started living your own life you will look back with huge regrets. You may be a 60 year old who can finally start living your own life, but why wait?

Please please please invest in seeing a therapist. It's the first step and the best investment you can make in yourself. Your relationship with your mom is not healthy in any way shape or form.

Therapy is all well and good. But, in the end, somethings you have to do for yourself. It doesn't sound like you or your mother has money to be spending on therapy. That doesn't mean just keep things as they are till you can go to therapists.

You are a nice, respectful, caring son. I don't think you are looking to do anything awful to your mom. You are intelligent and you know what your rights are. I don't care if you had an army of therapists, your mom is still going to be wild, if you emancipate yourself. However, that might be the best therapy for her. Like I said above, she is probably stronger and more adaptable than she seems.

You are somewhat comfortable in the status quo. You have a right to keep it that way, if you don't feel up to making changes. Or you can change - a lot, or a little at a time. No therapist can give you an easy formula for how to go about this. So don't fall into the trap of thinking, "Well, I would make changes if, and only if, my mother could afford a therapist . . . because I can't go shaking her up. Yes you can. And she will survive it.

She is and will always be your mother, whether she is mad at you or approving of your choices. Trying to make someone else happy is a fool's errand and typically ends up with two (or more) miserable parties.

So just an update with what happened tonight at the gym. I saw my ex-GF, and we talked a little bit about what's been going on. I told her that I've been seeking help on how to deal with my Mom, and I know that I have to make some major changes in my life to move forward, especially if I ever want a relationship with someone. She said she was hurt, but can clearly see that I've also been exponentially hurt by my Mom.

I also told her that there hasn't been a single day where I haven't thought about her, and I'm not sure if that either creeped her out, or if it hit her on some emotional level. Her response was that I've been on her mind quite a bit lately, and she was concerned about me, as she hadn't seen or heard from me in over a month. In fact, it seemed most people at the gym were concerned of my whereabouts for that matter. I also told her that it was a mistake on my part for ending our relationship, and that I deeply regretted it. She didn't respond or say anything. Earlier in the evening though she had mentioned that she was getting ready for her Christmas party at work, but hated going on her own. I'm not sure if that was a hint for a possible invite, or what - I honestly don't know how to read women. But no mention of seeing someone else, so who knows. But that's where that's at.

In all honesty, seeing her tonight didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. Perhaps having a good solid month away from her helped, especially if we're only going to be just friends. But I did come home feeling motivated to keep working, working hard at getting out of this toxic relationship with my Mother. Speaking of which... I started reading the book "Toxic Parents". Definitely getting some insight with that, including all the help I've been receiving here. Thanks again to everyone here for your insight.

One thing that does bother me still though, is I do feel bad talking so negatively about my Mom this way. I know she does love me and want the best, but I really do realize that this a very unhealthy lifestyle both of us are living.

And not to sound like a broken record, but there are things that keep coming to mind the more I think about stuff, certain things my Mom has done over the years that have hurt me. I'm surprised I hadn't mentioned this one earlier, because it's kind of morbid. When my Dad passed away, we obviously had to go out and purchase a cemetery plot. My Mom went ahead and purchased hers as well, so that when the time comes, she has her place ready to go next to my Dad. I found out about a year to two later, that she went ahead and purchased a single plot next to theirs for me. She never did once consult with me about it, she just went ahead and did it. Now I do understand the responsibility about doing something like this, I could get into an accident tomorrow and killed, anything is possible. But what really hurt the most, is that it's a single plot. Obviously in her mind I'm going to be single forever, and have no need to have a plot for two people. Or even the fact that I might want to be buried somewhere else. One of my Uncle's who remained single his entire life is buried next to his Mom and Dad (my Aunt and Uncle), but that was something he chose to do years beforehand, not a decision made by his parents. I don't know what I'm going to do about this one.

Ugh.

That's enough complaining about my Mom for tonight.

((randman78)),

It's nice to know you are willing to have an "open mind", I was not sure if you would respond in this thread tbh. I posted to you about "why" your mother may be behaving this way so you can understand it better rather than just deem her "evil or bad or even label her as narcissist". I "am" a mother of a daughter that is 30, so I have had to face the cross roads of learning to "let go". I raised my daughter to be "independent" and I have not told her who to love, I know she has to find her way to figuring that out. The only time I discuss it is if she comes to me when something doesn't work out well tbh.
However, I have heard about other mothers who are more controlling through my daughter's friends and I do know there are mothers who don't realize they need to "step back" and give their child room to discover things on their own. I do remember it was hard to adjust to my daughter moving out and wanting to be independent. I was just so used to "being in that mother role" tbh. However, I never felt it was right to "just" visit her in her place or go through her mail or feel it was ok for me to explore her "space" or tell her who to date or who not to date.

I think that you can find ways to break away from your mother without deciding she is a bad person. You may have to be the one that is "firm" about her needing to respect your boundaries. Maybe there is a book about that you can give her too. There must be a book out there that helps mothers understand how to "let go" in healthy ways.

As far as the cemetary plot is concerned, I don't think her buying a plot for you and only you is saying she doesn't feel you will find a woman and have your own family. I think she is just thinking about you always having a place with her and your father.

Keep in mind that you have "allowed" her to be in your space and even mentioned it did not bother you because "you had nothing to hide". Well, now you have to slowly create boundaries and that is going to take time. Remember, you have allowed her to be in your space for 36 years, that is a long time. Old habits die hard and your mother is going to have to "learn" to let go of these old habits.

It is good to hear that you have gone back to the gym, even been honest with this ex gf about your challenges. And it could be that she was opening the door when she talked about having to go to that Christmas Party alone. I don't think it is bad to offer to go with her either.

OE

That story about the cemetery plot tells so very much. I think it's very common when a spouse dies for the surviving spouse to buy two plots. It is way, way less common (unusual actually) for a parent to buy an additional plot for a healthy child. To give your mom some credit where credit is due, keep in mind that you are 36 years old. When a child is still single at that age, there is a very large chance that it is a permanent condition. So, I can see where your mom thought she was doing a loving thing.

On the other hand, everything you say about this being your mom signaling that she expects you to be tied to her forever is absolutely true. My grandmother did this exact same thing for an uncle of mine who could never emancipate himself from her. She liked keeping him completely dependent on her. Then, when she died, he became a skid row alcoholic. Thankfully, you sound way more healthy psychologically than that. For you there is real hope that you can make your own way in life. One thing you need to let go of is the financial dependence on your mother. It would be healthier for you to go live in a homeless shelter than stay forever under the same roof with her. But I think you have enough on the ball to come up with a less extreme solution.

You don't have to argue with your mother on the grave issue. Someday she will give you the deed to that little plot of land. After she is gone, you can sell it back to the cemetery. Hopefully, she won't have the audacity to go engraving your name on the tombstone ahead of time. It would be normal for her to put her own name there ahead of time . . . but not yours.

Getting that plot reserved for you was something she meant as an act of love, but it is totally inappropriate and it's a good sign that you see it as such. Maybe it will motivate you as well. You know it's not so easy to find a partner in life. If you still have feelings for this woman that you met, you might want to decide to make another pitch for that relationship. She sounds like an unusually understanding lady.

In any case, if you don't want some future nice lady to be completely scared away, then start setting the appropriate boundaries (like with the mail) and start separating from your mom. She will try to emotionally blackmail you, which is what she has done. If you cave in, waiting for a time when it won't seem so hard, you'll be waiting forever. Your mom is still fairly young and sounds reasonably healthy, so you can't just wait for her to pass away. That might not be for 30 years. Start now. I've known others in your situation. As they got older, they just became more and more resentful of being tied to a parent. Also, start now, while your mom is still in good shape and can fend for herself, if she has to. She needs to find a small apartment for herself. And so do you. I'm not opposed to adult children and a parent living together, but in your case it simply will not work.

You are doing great work now. Congratulations!

Stay away from that just friends mindset. Instead, think that she might still be available to you if you play your cards right and she doesn't tell you otherwise.

It took courage to tell her that you regretted ending the relationship. Excellent work! And it sounds like she rewarded that courage: it sounds like she left the door open.

I think you are off to great start, both with respect to her and with respect to your mother. Keep up the good work! Don't settle for wondering what if for the rest of your life.

I definitely do feel better than I have in a while. Going last night to the gym, and even waking up this morning certainly doesn't feel as hopeless or depressing as it has over the course of the last couple of months. Seeing my ex-GF smile last night definitely put me in a better mood. I think the overall sense of just going out and being social again helped me a lot. I'm certainly not going to be doing that again, not going to the gym that is. No need for me to be miserable just to appease my Mom, especially when I haven't done anything wrong.

My Mom did ask me who was at the gym last night, and I mentioned one of the guys names, but quickly changed the topic to something else, and didn't say my ex-GF's name either. However I'm not sure if this is the right approach or a healthy thing to do? I guess that's where I need to seek professional advice? Do I make these changes quietly so my Mom won't notice as much, rather than just ripping it off like a band-aide? I honestly haven't mentioned my ex's name in months, and I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't? I suppose that's one of the reasons I'm came to this forum; not just to vent, but to get some opinions on how I should handle the situation as I make these changes in my life. Slow and steady, or fast and hard with my Mom?

I personally feel fast and hard won't help the situation, but I'm not a professional. Doing things like changing over all my banking and credit card statements to come to me via email vs. the mail, so that I have control over that stuff are things I'm starting to do. (My Mom won't touch my computer or phone, she doesn't like using that stuff and really doesn't know how). I thought if I started slowly with things like that, that might be the best approach?

Your ex-girlfriend may be giving you a second chance.
She texts you to come back to the gym and that you are missed.
She mentions going to the xmas party alone.
She listens to your side of the story.

She obviously cares about you.

Second chances, even at a friendship level, are extremely rare in our "disposable, instant gratification" world.

But this is a limited time offer. The question you pose of "do i go fast or slow with my mother?" is minor. Your mother is your now, not your future.

Imagine a life where you have boundaries. Where you don't have to hide your mail. Where you don't have to lie about where you went, or who you talked to. Where every opportunity that comes your way, isn't tainted by the thought "how would mom react ?".

Your mom is deeply unhappy. That is not your fault. It is not your job to fix her, either. You can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped. This is no reflection on your value as a human being.

By the way, if she is opening your mail (which is a crime) she is also going through your laundry, your garbage and anything else that is laying around.

As for the idea that getting stuff in an email format will give you privacy, forget it! Next, she will be demanding to search your phone.

Get out while you can , or you will end up in that burial plot.

Getting your statements to come via email is a great start. You are on the right track. And it should involve little pain. Sooner or later, you are going to have to deal with your mother going wild again. There is no totally avoiding it. So long as you are living under the same roof, it makes sense to minimize tensions, so long as you are not giving up something you really want . . . like being able to date. On the other hand, your mom is not supporting you, from what I understand, so it's not like she has the right to set rules for you.

Eventually, you will get something in the mail. The next time she opens a piece of your mail, sit her down and have a talk. Tell her that she must not do that anymore. You know, this mail thing is a real red flag. In families where there is an unhealthy relationship between parent and adult child, that seems to be one of the main things that gets disrespected. I know of other situations where that happens. Even spouses living together should not touch each other's mail. That actually is the law of the land. Plus, it is healthy. Your mother is actually breaking the law when she opens your mail.

When you set a boundary with her, it's going to be a lot like you're the parent and she is the child . . . the spoiled child. Similar to dealing with children, don't put to much effort into reasoning her into what you want her to stop doing. Somethings should not be negotiable or debatable. "Because I said so." is a perfectly good reason when dealing with a child, or a childish adult. She will then proceed to test the boundary. You have to meet each test with consistent sticking to the new boundary.

Despite your mom's having tried to brainwash you all your life into thinking that you have no right to privacy, you seem to have very sensible and intelligent understanding of what should be the normal boundaries to have. So you are part of the way to your goal. You know when she is being unreasonable. You just need to follow through on what you, yourself, know makes sense.

Also, you have a little leverage, in that she wants to have you around. So, if she gets wild and extremely unpleasant, leave the house. Sleep in the car, or get a cheap motel room for a night. Then tell her that you'll come home when she calms down and acts reasonably. That might give you a bit of control. There's going to be fireworks, sooner or later, no matter what you do. You just have to tough that out. And I believe you can because you know your cause is just.

My thought is to tell your mom that you've been doing a lot of thinking and have decided to regain some independence in your life. It is time. You acknowledge her love for you and you need to do this anyways.

That is your "fair warning" to her.

If she yells and carries on about it, so be it. As Rose said, she is going to blow up sooner or later, and probably both!, and you will need to stand your ground regardless.

After that, start doing whatever you want to do. Tell her what you are doing if it is something you want her to know. Otherwise don't tell her.

Now, let's take seeing potential-gf at the gym as an example. If your mom were to behave normally, would you want her to know that you saw potential-gf along with other friends? I am thinking that you would. If so, tell her and see what happens.

If she behaves normally, great!

If she blows up, that's when you can say "Mom, I'd love to talk to you about parts of my life, but not if you're going to blow up and get insulting."

And see what happens. Maybe she can learn to deal with normal behavior from her adult son. Maybe not. You will eventually figure out what to tell and not tell her--but in the meantime continue to make your own choices and live your own life.

Be strong!