BF listened to my therapy session without my/therapist's knowledge

On Wednesday, I had my usual hour long therapy session. I'm not comfortable getting into the details of the session as I'm concerned my BF(whom I live with) will somehow read this but it seems like he listened to the entire hour long session. He told me he sat down to read a book in the waiting room, overheard me saying something disturbing, and began to listen. I don't have the details of how exactly he listened and I was under the impression that the room was sound proof. I was wrong.

I had no idea why my BF was angry when I came out of the session but, after he asked what I talked about and I wasn't forthcoming enough, I assumed he was angry for that reason. I'm accustomed to him being angry with me and the night before, he had asked what I talked about when I discussed the relationship with friends, then asked to see transcripts of our conversations, etc. It was obvious that he was angry with me for not telling him what I told friends.

I was once a lot more open with him but, after living with him for years, I've grown weary of his potential reactions to anything I share with him. It's a very difficult way for me to live, always in fear of angering him. Within the last few months, I've come to realize that there are emotionally abusive elements in the relationship and I have some "mental health" concerns about my BF as well. Those were some of the things being discussed in the therapy session.

Wednesday was a night of hell for me. Finally, in the wee hours of the night, my BF "confronted me" by saying things he had overheard, and so on, with much anger. Everything began blurry for me. I couldn't move and I couldn't see. I don't remember a lot of what happened that night but.. the following day he asked me some questions online. I replied with the following(and more):
""what do you think about yesterday?"
I'm still processing it. For most of yesterday, before you told me you listened to my therapy session(I was told it was sound proof), I thought you were angry with me for not telling you what I said in my session. It was very sad, scary, stressful for me.. like you asking to know what I talk about with friends re: the relationship had been. That feeling of.. I can't fully open up or something could be misunderstood/upsetting and then (bf's name) will be mad/upset with me, but if I don't tell him.. he'll be upset with me. I often feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I sit on the couch and leave you alone I might hear that it's depressing, I might be seen as lazy, I might be seen a withdrawn, etc. But if I get up and do things.. mistakes could be made, I feel uncomfortable, I could bother you by speaking to you, etc. It might not seem like it to you, but I experience a great deal of fear of upsetting you, having you angry with me, because the consequences of that are very painful/scary for me.

What do I think? I wish you hadn't listened, especially given that it was one session, when I was feeling a certain way(I felt pretty awful/detached/hard to explain yesterday), within a certain context, etc. It was a private session and some things require deeper explanation if they're overheard. Am I upset with you for listening? No. That's not quite a normal human response on my part but.. I certainly understand taking an opportunity to "snoop," especially if you feel someone isn't being as forthcoming as you'd like with information. Was it "right" or helpful? No. Overall, I feel sad for you for anything you heard that was upsetting. That's my most powerful feeling on that matter. I also feel scared, guilty(I have a massive problem with guilt, always eating away at me), sad in general, and like I've lost an "outlet"/support source when I don't feel that I really have any. Now my therapist is viewed a certain way, our sessions are viewed a certain way, etc. It's hard to feel good about anything that I do. "

He replied to the above/the rest by stating that using the term "snoop" there was belittling, unfair, and that it "shows him where I'm at right now." He said I didn't show enough concern for his feelings, I'm delusional, he had a feeling I was saying "sinister" things about him.. and so on. The email ends with him telling me(who has no where to go) to be out of his house(I moved across the country 3 years ago to live with him) by the end of the month. He later retracted this.. I guess. Yeah. It's confusing.

He doesn't seem to be aware that some of his behavior towards me could be labeled "emotional abuse." He will show empathy when I discuss my past(I came from an abuse situation, and was in an abusive relationship in my 20s) but does not seem to see his own actions in such a light. I have wondered recently about his "mental health" and have come to realize/wonder if he might have something like Asperger's Syndrome as well.

Either way, I do not feel comfortable returning to my therapist but I feel the need to talk to..someone. I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends, neither of whom live here, anymore in this house. I've grown so accustomed to walking on eggshells, not expressing emotion, and so on that I don't even know how a "normal" person would react to this situation.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm afraid that if I return to my therapist my BF will ask what I talked about, become angry is I'm vague, or otherwise show displeasure with me going back to him. Meanwhile, my BF keeps recalling things I said in the session(he heard A LOT). He's very distant today and is typing a lot on his computer. I have no idea what's coming next.

Thanks for reading.

Watched,

Welcome to Psych Central. I wish that my cyber-hug would help you feel a little better. You stated a few things in your post that concerned me & I don't want you to have to wait for someone else to say what I am thinking.

In my opinion, your bf is being abusive. Emotionally abusive. And, while you may not currently feel as though your bf has some negative power that he holds out of reach, you may want to re-think the situation. Is it normal for your bf to listen to your conversation that you had with your T? To some extent, I'd imagine so. Listening closely, for an extended period of time? Not healthy.

I would recommend sharing this occurence with your T, via PM, ASAP. Let them know how torn you're now feeling. Ask if they have any ideas to prevent this from recurring.

Please don't give up on reaching out for emotional assistance. You deserve it!

Don't give up on therapy, although definitely address it this with your T... who knows how many other clients have had their partners listen to them?

Your bf trying to turn your words around, by saying that you were being belitting by using the term snoop? That is manipulation, made to put YOU into the guilty role... when you did nothing wrong in this situation. He is the one in a guilty role, as he decided to listen to your entire session. It's natural to listen in for a minute - it might even take that long to process that you're accidentally overhearing someone's session. But the appropriate reaction is NOT to listen to the entire thing... it's to either a) knock and alert them to the issue or b) move far enough away that you can no longer hear it.

Honestly? I would start looking for options on where to go outside of where he lives. It doesn't mean that you need or should move out, but it sounds like having a plan ready could be a good idea.

Now, while some of your past would have likely ingrained behaviours into you (such as walking on eggshells and being more concerned for someone else's reactions to what you do, etc), your bf does still sound like yes, he is being emotionally abusive. If you moved in with him 3 years ago, you should be feeling better with him, not having your fears and worries intensified.

I'm sorry that your T's non-soundproof room has led to your already-less-than-stellar bf being absolutely less than supportive and appropriate, and that now you feel like you have no where to go. Please, still reach out to your T.

What are the pros and cons of moving out, and/or moving back to where you lived three years ago?

If you don't feel safe around him, then you need to leave.

Listening in on a private session of therapy a huge violation of boundaries. To then fight over the stuff he was never meant to hear is juvenile. If he is willing to spy on you in therapy, who knows what else he is capable of. "Snooping" is upsetting to him? Seriously?

If you do see your therapist again, insist on a change of venue. There is nothing stopping your boyfriend from sneaking into the waiting room once your session begins. Sadly, this is level of insecurity you are subject to.

But you can change that.

You had me rendered speechless the first time I read your post... Trust me, that's no easy fete
I came back to it a few hours later and all I have so far is;

Why do you even stay with this guy????

Seriously, I'm sure you've focused on the negative because that's what brought you to PC, and it's what you need help with. But I assure you, that had you taken the time to list his redeeming qualities, it would never outweigh what you wrote in your post.

Not to me anyway.

I don't see the point in staying with someone who is emotionally abusive, manipulative, disrespectful, someone who has no use for common decency and lacks healthy boundaries, someone who blames me for their shortcomings, someone whom I can never relax around because helllloooo freaking eggshells, someone who doesn't believe I have a right to privacy, etc etc etc.

No amount of "love" could make me overlook all of that, not for long anyway.

Evidently I'm all done being speechless I hope you know you deserve better, from him and yourself.

Before I say anything I want to tell you that his behavior is not your fault. Additionally, the way he may feel or act out in reaction to what you have done to better yourself is also not your fault. I am not a licensed therapist but I have experienced emotional abuse since childhood; despite that, I am still going to link you to some articles that may explain emotional abuse better than I can.

I agree with everyone else. Talk to someone, most appropriately your therapist. I'm not going to tell you to just leave because I know it's not that simple; although objectively that does seem like the best course, it's often easier to say than do. However, looking around for a place just in case may not hurt.

I wish you the best.

I do hope you go back to your T and make sure that your BF stays out of the waiting room. Your T at the very least needs to know how thin the walls are. That is a really horrible thing for you to learn this way.

What your BF did was incredibly wrong. He has no right to make you feel bad about what he did. I worry that he is trying to take away your support systems by making you feel insecure about places which should be safe - and which would have been safe if he had not chosen to eavesdrop on a private conversation.

The way you talk about walking on egg shells and being vacant because you don't want to upset him sounds very much like a toxic situation. I hope you can work this out for the best. Talking to your friends, when he isn't around, sounds like a great idea.

Update: I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow. I'm not feeling well right now but I have the opportunity to write..

I'm still hesitant to open up about everything as I'm concerned he'll read this and become upset. Something else occurred and I believe I'll be making a separate thread about it.

There was so much said in the session he listened to and it really was the worst possible one he could have heard. He feels he was justified in listening as he overheard something disturbing. He claims he remained seated but I don't know how he could have heard everything from his chair; I have a pretty soft voice. He has told me we can't be together if I continue to have "sinister thoughts" about him because only someone who is paranoid/mentally ill would think those things.

Last night, he seemed very upset with me again and finally revealed that he believes I lied to him(and can't be trusted/he doesn't know who I am) when we first became involved 3 years ago? He stood up after hours(?) of appearing upset and told me, and I tried my best to explain/defend myself. What does he feel I lied about? He said I lied about not wanting casual sex as I had sex with exes after breakups, therefore indicating that I wanted casual sex. I tried to explain that I felt those actions "weren't me" and that I had always ideally wanted a healthy, long-term relationship. I've been with 8 men(including him), and four of those relationships lasted more than 2 years. I don't have some exciting, casual sex-filled past and, even if I had, I don't quite know why yet that it's being brought up now(I can only guess). The biggest thing he was upset about was his claim that I told him I only had sex once with the person I was with before we became involved, then later revealed it wasn't only once? I remember that conversation. I don't recall the exact details but I know myself and I know I had absolutely no reason to lie about such a detail. I felt very uncomfortable talking about it as I was still processing it, I didn't feel my BF approved, etc but.. I did not lie. He doesn't believe me and sees this and the therapy session and whatever other evidence he feels he's gathered as proof that... I can't be trusted.

Another time not long ago, he became upset with me because he felt the frequency of sex with past boyfriends that I'm currently claiming does not match up with what I told him 3 years ago, or 10 years ago(we were friends long ago). He has files on me, conversations we had about these topics. Quite frankly, I don't care to recall sex frequency, and.. after being asked about it multiple times, having my memories picked at, feeling incredibly nervous, etc.. I do not remember.

The night before the therapy appointment he overheard(NOTE: these things were not discussed in my therapy appt.), he was pushing me to tell him what I talked to my friends(I really only talked to two people.. long distance.. I don't know anyone here and am very shy) about regarding our relationship. He wanted to see these conversations.

This is just what's going on now, and it's confusing and upsetting for me. As you might have guessed, there has been worse. However, I'm really doubting myself here. I know that if he saw this he would become upset with my wording and believe that I'm being misleading. I relate to most things that I read about emotionally abusive relationships. I sound like I'm in one. But what if it's just my wording? What if he hasn't given me a reason to feel scared, sad, self doubting, confused, insecure, etc every day of my life? What if I am mentally ill or scarred from my past(abusive household growing up, abusive relationships)?

Why have his questions focused on my past sex lives? After being a fairly sexual person, I have been avoiding sex to some degree the last few months. At one point, he told me that he does a lot for me so I should have sex with him. He also said I had sex in past unhappy relationships so... why not him?

Yes, that sounds bad. I know a lot of this sounds bad. I have spent 3 years observing him(I rarely leave the house) and trying my best to understand him. I do not think he realizes how these things sound, their impact on me, why I might be hurt by them, and so on. That(his mental state) is one thing I discussed with my therapist, in the overheard appointment. It's taken me approx. 3 years to start to see things in a new light. I could logically see how some things were "wrong" in the past but, on an emotional level, it was difficult for me. It still is. I used to blame myself for our conflicts, which occurred on a regular basis, as well as my emotional responses to them. I feel picked at/criticized on a regular basis as well.

He made a couple's therapy appointment with a new therapist and I'm very fearful of how that will go. We had some couple's therapy appointments with my current therapist(before my therapist determined that they were not helpful), and they did not go well. Later, he said I "assassinated his character" in the last session. My therapist was surprised to hear that and said, if anything, I went extremely easy on my BF. I don't believe that I assassinated his character either but I fear I'll be accused of that if I say anything that could possibly be perceived as negative about him to the new couple's therapist. He does not take criticism well at all. In the past, if I told him something was hurtful(for example), he might seem distant/angry for hours, then.. after I asked what was wrong(and was met with a "nothing" reply), he would finally say "you said that I hurt you"... or "you said you felt depressed"... and..so on.

In the past, when I'd cry(for example), he would not comfort me. When I've asked for "peace"/gentleness/kindness on days when I've had a loss of a loved one/other difficulties, he would still treat me in the same manner. He could become upset with some little thing he felt I had done, then speak to me in a cold manner/be visibly angry/etc. When something happened that resulted in PTSD for me, he became upset at one point because he said that the place(where event occurred) was now ruined for him because of how I reacted(he had noticed I was shaky/jumpy when I went there with him). I could go on..

I know I'm rambling here. Most of the things that have occurred are now a blur in my memory. But I'm rambling/sharing random recent things here because I want to understand. I don't know what "mental illness" this is. There's more but.. I'm trying to keep out very personal/unique details and again, I'm worried he'll read this. He has many traits that indicate that he could have some degree of Asperger's Syndrome but.. also traits that don't fit, and traits that "go beyond that."

It's very troubling and confusing for me because there's another side to him: he's loving, cares about "the greater good," is honest, is generous(fully supports me/etc), is intelligent, has depth to him, and seems to genuinely care about me.

These are conversations I'll continue to have with my therapist but any input would be greatly appreciated...

This is a common activity of an abuser: to shame you into submission

It certainly does sound like you are in one.

Reasons to feel scared, self-doubting, confused, insecure:

-he listened in on your therapy session
-he asks for sex as payment, he wants sex even if you are unhappy
-he cross-examines you about long-past details about your sexual history
-he blamed you for ruining a place for him that was related to your PTSD
-he has files on you
-he can't take criticism and gets very upset
-he bears grudges
-he demands to see your conversations with your friends
-he isolates you
-he does not trust you

What will he do to you if you say anything "that could possibly be perceived as negative"?
Then you deserve extra compassion, support, respect, kindness, understanding, safe access to therapy.

You're writing down FACTS of what he does. You aren't making stuff up when you say that he has files on you, that he asks about your past sex life, that he listened to your therapy session, etc.

Those are not instances of you being misleading, or misinterpreting. Those are facts of things he has done.

You are in fact really sounding like you are in an abusive relationship. As Bill said, he's shaming you into submission.

So he's "loving" sometimes? Sure, sometimes. Abusers do things like that to make you doubt yourself and try to make you think that you're imagining and over-exagerrating.

If you can't share your thoughts and feelings with your partner because you are scared of his reaction, then that is a signal that you are not in a healthy relationship at all.

And you know what? Yes, maybe you ARE scarred from your past. But that does NOT excuse the fact that he's doing all of these things to you. You're not imagining things or being "over" sensitive, or anything at all. What he is doing is what HE is doing, and what he is doing is abusive.

And he's trying to make it so that YOU come off as the person who can't be trusted? Are you kidding me? He is the one who listened in on your therapy session! And he thinks YOU'RE being paranoid?! FFS, he keeps a record of all the things you've said and wants to read what you write to your friends and listened to your therapy session! He is turning his behaviours around and somehow claiming that you're doing them and/or at fault for everything he does. That's manipulation and that's abuse. You are not to blame for what he does.

i know it is hard to get over some of the things mentioned in your post, i was in a few relationships that were like that, ended up all of the bad ones by having to leave in the end, once with police escort from my ex, my sons father. he taped conversations in the living room when he wasnt there and just treated me like his punching bag, emotionally and pshysically. If i were you i would leave but that is just my opinion, kind of harsh but you can ask for more out of life and not walk on eggshells, which i know what that is like too.he plays on guilt and shame and you put up with it. maybe he has his own mental problems but you don't have to be his savior, he needs help.Good luck

Please read the book that saved my life and millions of other women: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

What he did was unconsciounable......He is abusive; what you tell your t is no one's business. Can't believe the walls aren't soundproofed; my ALSO has music playing in the waiting room.

Abusers are extremely insecure and childish; they will do anythhig to keep you under their control (control is the whole issue); they are narcissists; stop maturing at about age 13. I stayed for 31 years (when you grow up abused) you are more willing t put up with someone else abusing you. There is something called the "wheel of violence" you can google it; it a gives a snapshot of an abuser's behavior.

All abusers are alike; they just have different names.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

You are in an abusive relationship, make no mistake about that.


And yes, abusers have good traits, can act loving, supportive and affectionate. They have to know how to do those things, because how else will they reel in their victims... Nobody wants someone who's all bad.


My abuser was as sweet as sugar, he was very good at the good guy act, and very subtle with his abuse for a long time... Unfortunately for me, this combo kept me with him for way too long. I only left the day he forgot all subtlety and actually beat me to a pulp.

So many times I wish I had identified his behavior sooner, left sooner, known better sooner... But too late now, what's done is done and what's past is past.


I hope you get your head out of the sand and see your bf for what he truly is, before it gets even uglier.

So, this guy has two sides. The sweet loving side (the good person) and the ugly , toxic side ( the abuser).

And you want to know how to get more of the former and less of the latter, correct?

Well, the solution is to spend time with a good person and dump the abuser.

This guy is bad for you. Period. All the YEARS you have spent "observing" haven't changed him. He violates your very soul with his actions. You are being brainwashed.

I suspect that you know this. Which is why you are here. A lot of good people have responded to you. Try listening to them instead of your abuser.

( Inspired by an article in Slate magazine/ Dear Prudence, Dec 24 , 2014)

I wish I had access to this type of advice, insight and support when I needed it.


If I did, I would have left my ex MUCH sooner than I had.


Instead I didn't know any better and kept waiting for him to behave better, kept trying to change my behavior, hoping it would appease him and thus improve his behavior.


All it got me was wasted years of my life and time, 2 blue eyes, bruised ribs, an angry fatherless daughter and a shitloada trust issues to work thru.

This did it for me. He cannot hear your thoughts! Only someone who is paranoid/mentally ill would think they could. Your boyfriend needs his own life and therapist to worry about. I would not let him take me to therapy or go anywhere near it with you. Move elsewhere, he is not your "friend" of any ilk if he behaves this way toward you.

ok, this one gives me the creeps and makes me want to hide. i can't focus on it well enough to read it. But you may want to consider a bus ride to someone who needs a roomie that is far far away.

This guy scares the neck out of me and I dint even know him. Get out please asap

(I tried to post a link but I can't as I haven't had the 10 post min to do so but.. if you google "Good Reads quotes on emotional abuse")

I relate to much of that, and much of what I see on other descriptions of emotional abuse. I don't feel comfortable posting here; I'm wary of him reading what I've already said.

I know it sounds bad. I have my reasons for staying but I'm losing hope.

We start couple's therapy in a couple of weeks..

I don't see the point in attending couples therapy if you're not allowed to speak your mind...





You're going to sit there with a mouth full of teeth while he complains about you to the therapist, or you'll say something negative about him and then afterward be subjected to his rants about your sick and twisted thoughts....





Just my two cents though, its your life

I agree with Trippin..... although couple's counselling may sound appealing to try and help repair things... is it really going to help when the problem is the fact that he is paranoid about you and doesn't allow you to share your thoughts and feelings?

I hope that the counsellor will be able to pick up on that quickly on their own so that they can make it a focus. Because if you bring it up he will likely turn it around to say that you're trying to 'poison' the counsellor's thoughts about him and to turn the counsellor against him... or something equally false.

I had to go away and come back to this thread. It brought up some old stuff for me.

Am going to repeat what others have said. He is abusive. Am not going to tell you to get out. You said you have reasons for staying. Each of us has to find our own way and time to leave. What I will say is pleases, please, please be very careful. Most verbal and emotional abusers eventually become physical abusers. Someone mentioned Patricia Evans book. It is fantastic. Also please be very careful about couples counseling. He may take what you say in sessions as ammunition to hurt you more.

Be safe, okay?

Also, please tell your therapist that your boyfriend listened to your session. They need to know in order to help you. They also need to know because other people might be listening to sessions too.

I appreciate the words and acknowledge that couple's therapy will be useless unless I feel I can be heard..etc

Yesterday, he told me I need to get my own place/fully support myself(and my "companion animals" - my reason for living) financially as he's moving in 2-6 months. One of the big reasons: he said I can no longer be trusted.

I don't want to get into the details but I'm disabled and am in the process of applying for SSDI. I have no income. I have no place to go. He knows this, says I might get my ruling on SSDI sooner than later(I have been told that my case is "solid" and was on temp. disability when we first got together), but there's no way I could afford to live on my own. My SSDI payment would not even cover rent. I no longer have a vehicle and I don't drive.

I kept pointing these things out and he just kept saying things like I should have applied for SSDI earlier, I can't be trusted, and so on.

He thinks it would be good for our relationship to be "financially independent" of each other and believes we would still be together.

So I stayed in the bedroom for hours and eventually came out. He was friendly towards me and asked if I wanted to go to the store.

It's as though he's completely oblivious to how bad the things he says are/their timing(I just received some very sad news). I actually stood up for myself, in a way, and had said I didn't believe that someone could love me while arguing that they should sever all financial ties with me, leaving me homeless or worse. He just didn't get it and kept stating the same things.

When he was nice to me(by offering to bring me to the store after I had been in the bedroom for hours), I felt incredibly guilty. I know it's typical, in abusive situations, to be really nice when you feel you're losing control/etc over a person. I don't know that this is what's going on in my relationship. I don't think he really sees how offensive, cruel, rude, anxiety-provoking, hurtful, and otherwise upsetting his words/actions can be. I think there's a mental illness component and, as insane as it might sound, I feel protective of him. I worry about how he would do on his own if we were to break up, I feel he's sacrificed a lot for me, I don't want to hurt him, etc.

I know I sound pathetic but that's some of what I feel, along with feeling extremely hopeless about my own situation. I have no where to go and, as I said, no money..

Yes, my therapist knows that he listened and I hope that information prevents this from happening to someone else.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. If there is a positive from this, it is that you are seeing him for what he truly is; a bully.

I believe i can speak for many fellow posters when i say that the way he treats you is totally unacceptable. Anyone who actively listens to another's T session has serious mental problems of their own. From what i have read , the common response to "he listened to my session" is one of outrage and disgust.

I urge you to reach out for help locally. Being in Canada there is nothing i can do for you directly. Perhaps if you could tell us where you live, state wise, someone may be able to give you some advise on who to call, etc.

keep in touch o.k.?