[Chapsticks]

I have no one I talk to and open up to except for my boyfriend, and even though he is able to help me I feel like everyday he doesn't make the efforts to make sure that whatever he does doesn't is not something that could hurt me.

I've done a lot of hurting since I met him 3 years ago which is why I have depression today. I also know that my depression has hurt him because of the times I have been so angry at him for hurting me so bad. But I have been devoted to him all the way.

Because of my mood swings, our relationship is a yoyo. And because he doesn't want to deal with my over-sensitivities and my irritability, the past couple months he has just left me and ignored me for few days. We don't live together, so it's very easy for him to shut me off. He just doesn't answer any calls or messages. No matter how hard I try he disappears like I don't exist.

And on top of the fact it really hurts me that he's gonna act that way, I wish he would actually spend that time alone and upset like me so that I know he actually cares and that it's hurting him too not to talk to me but I always learn afterwards all the things he did, all the people he talked to etc while I'm totally abandoned. He knows that while he leave me alone I don't talk to anyone because I have tried talking to a few others about my situation and it didn't go well nor helped me.

When he comes back to me, I'm even more hurt. How can a man who loves me know that I'm in total distress and leave me behind to go have fun or live his own life like if I don't exist?

Every time he comes back I feel worse and worse for this reason and because he keeps leaving me like this I get bad anxiety about what he's doing while ignoring me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or been in my boyfriends shoes?

Because I don't know how to stop this vicious circle.

I've asked my boyfriend to be the one making the extra efforts to help us because I feel already so overwhelmed with dealing with myself that it's hard for me to give to him. ESP when he is so associated with the cause of my pain.
I know that when I'm angry because I hurt I need the reassurance and instead of that he gets defensive and the arguments start... It never ends

[kaliope]

if you searched, you would probably find at least 500 similar posts.

i wish you could read this without your own emotions and ask yourself how this is working for you. why would you stay in a relationship that makes you feel so unloved, causes so much pain?relationships are supposed to be about happiness support joy and love. how does this one measure up?

[Chapsticks]

Thank you for your answer kaliope. I have been doing some reading of different posts.

I know the relationship is not working for me right now. I just know that I don't need much and i can't understand how someone who loves me, and I know he does, can act like this towards me.

He is a positive person, unlike me, so I don't think he understands that I need reassurance. It would change so much if he even was willing to be consistent about this instead of running away from me. At times he has the patience to listen to me carefully and those times he cries and says he has taken me for granted and that he has messed up bad etc. But once he moves on to something else he forgets all of what I told him.

We have tried to stop, as himself has said that i "deserve better than him" but it only makes my anxiety worse. I think the fact he has been the person who has unintentionally brought me to the state I'm in today, makes me feel like he should "fix" me.

I feel without this I wouldn't have the closure I need and if I was to leave a relationship that caused me depression, without knowing the person was willing to make efforts, I would feel completely worthless. Even if we were to stop our relationship, I would want to know I was worth the efforts to try to make things better.

He is also the only person who knows about my depression and the only person I've been comfortable enough with to confide in. Of course I love him so it hurts. But I also feel I need him.

[QuirkyGirl99]

Before I comment, I just wanted to state that I am just trying to give a point of view. I haven't witnessed your situation firsthand, so I could be completely off.
I have felt the way you do many times and in various relationships, so I can totally empathiz. I think understanding how a man's mind works and how he deals with his feelings would help you a lot. There are tons of books explaining the differences between the way men and women internalize their feelings and show their love. In relationship (eg. 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'). When things get too emotionally heavy for a guy, he tends to retreat. They just need some time for themselves to deal with whatever it is that they are feeling. Women, on the other hand, tend to cling and want to discuss their feelings in such situations. Now, I know this is a very generalized analysis and differs greatly amongst different people. However, I think it would be helpful for you to take a step back and try to look at your relationship through the eyes of your bf. It has to be very intense and emotionally draining for him at times (I know it has been for my SOs). I feel that it's actually healthy for him to take time away from you and see his friends. If you try to keep him from doing so, or make him feel bad about it, you will only push him away. Just because he likes to spend time away from you, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I think it's important that you find something, aside from him, that will make you feel good about yourself. In order to be in a healthy a relationship, one had to be ok with themselves. If a person depends on another's validation in order to feel good, they will never be happy. I know it's difficult. If he is always ignoring you and never around, then maybe you need to rethink the relationship.

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[divine1966]

Decent men don't disappear for days. If relationship isn't working he could end it but simply ignoring you is not cool.

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[QuirkyGirl99]

Originally Posted by Chapsticks

Thank you for your answer kaliope. I have been doing some reading of different posts.

I know the relationship is not working for me right now. I just know that I don't need much and i can't understand how someone who loves me, and I know he does, can act like this towards me.

He is a positive person, unlike me, so I don't think he understands that I need reassurance. It would change so much if he even was willing to be consistent about this instead of running away from me. At times he has the patience to listen to me carefully and those times he cries and says he has taken me for granted and that he has messed up bad etc. But once he moves on to something else he forgets all of what I told him.

We have tried to stop, as himself has said that i "deserve better than him" but it only makes my anxiety worse. I think the fact he has been the person who has unintentionally brought me to the state I'm in today, makes me feel like he should "fix" me.

I feel without this I wouldn't have the closure I need and if I was to leave a relationship that caused me depression, without knowing the person was willing to make efforts, I would feel completely worthless. Even if we were to stop our relationship, I would want to know I was worth the efforts to try to make things better.

He is also the only person who knows about my depression and the only person I've been comfortable enough with to confide in. Of course I love him so it hurts. But I also feel I need him.

I didn't see your reply, since it posted while I was writing.
It sounds like things are on the way on out. I don't think any relationship is worth the pain that you are feeling. I'm sure it's hard to give up on it, since you have shared so much of yourself with him. Unfortunately, as frustrating as it is, you can't depend on him for closure. You can't determine your worth by his actions either. Sometimes, you just have to cut things off, because you know in your heart things will not work. It has nothing to do with you not being "worth the effort", it has more to do with knowing that you both want different things out of relationship. He may know that he will never be able to give you what you need or "fix" you. It probably frustrates him (as well as yourself) that he doesn't have what it takes to fully make you happy. I'm not a mind reader though. I do feel that taking time to focus on yourself would be beneficial. Like I previously stated, one has to be content with themselves, before they can fully contribute to a healthy relationship. Anyway, I think you really need to evaluate whether staying in this relationship is beneficial for you. If he can't give you what you need, then you need to take a look at that. You can't expect him to "fix" you, since you are the only one capable of doing so. That need probably weighs heavily on him. Btw, I'm not condoning his actions, just trying to shed some light. I'm sorry that this relationship is causing you so much anguish. I've been in your shoes so many times before. It wasn't until I realized that I can't depend on someone else to make me happy that I was able to find any sort of contentment. I also always needed to find out what was wrong with me, in order to get closure from a relationship. However, I've come to realize that it's not just me, it's the relationship as a whole that isn't working. I had to let go of the fact that it doesn't matter what he thinks. Sure it is helpful for processing, but in the end it doesn't really matter. Some people are just not capable of meeting each other's needs no matter how much they love each other.

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[Chapsticks]

Thank you for your input QuirkyGirl. I understand what you're saying. I know it's not easy for a partner to deal with the other's depression.

I don't have a problem with him seeing his friends per se, but when we argue it's also when I'm struggling bad so it's when I need him the most. So it's hard to see him shut me off like this.

Also he has a habit of talking negatively about me to others in those moments, because he's mad. It has caused difficulties with some people in his family who just want him to leave me and who have ended up making hurtful comments.

These things are what give me so much anxiety when he leaves, I'm scared that when he comes back, I will learn that he has called or seen this person or another and talked bad about me or us.

I wouldn't ask much if he had met me like this. But I was a happy and healthy person when we met. And the events HE has put me through are what have triggered my depression. Because of that, I expect a bit more from him. I want him to take responsibility and fix his own damage. I've tried my best to forget things that I've endured, but I can't do it without him helping me out in the way.

I also know you are totally right about not being dependent on one's validation to feel good. I'm trying to work on that.

[QuirkyGirl99]

*Hugs*
I know it's hard. It always seems that when things get emotional that certain men pull away. Unfortunately, I don't know if there is anything you can do about that, except choose not to put up with his actions and leave. It sucks to see someone that you shared so much of yourself with just shut you out like that. He sounds like he's being a real ***** right now.
It bothers me that you were "happy and healthy" until you met him. The fact that he speaks so negatively about you, makes me feel that he is a bit toxic and is definitely making things worse.
I know that I'm just repeating myself, but I think you need to look at whether or not you should stick around. Yes, it can be difficult at times, when dealing with a partner who has depression (or any other mental illness), but there are plenty of men out there, who would be much more sensitive to your needs. He seems to just exacerbate them. I hope you can get up the courage to leave him (if necessary), because you know you can't change him. In fact, I feel it would be empowering for you. I know you can find someone who will support, respect and love you for who truly are. I sincerely hope everything works out, especially since I can truly feel your pain.

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[kingoni]

You are brave, you are special, you are worthy and deserving of respect and courtesy and unqualified acceptance.

Regrettably this man provides affection as a bargaining chip, some service with strings.

Either he knowingly and wilfully ignores you to punish you for your problems and does this as a means of control and domination. Or, he is so oblivious to his own behaviour and its effect and impact on you.

In either case; the relationship is being dragged down by him and his failure to treat you as a peer and equal.

[Trippin2.0]

Its not up to him to fix you, life just doesn't work that way.


Abusers don't fix their victims in order for the victim to heal...


Criminals don't revisit the scenes of their crimes to help their victims overcome the trauma they inflicted.


Rapists don't support the victims they violated and traumatized to help them heal and move forward...



Do you see the point I'm trying to make?


The world simply does not work the way you are expecting it to and no amount of willing it to be so will make it so.


Wanting him to fix you or even attempt to fix you because he damaged you is just not logical or realistic.


All YOU are doing is perpetuating your own misery and pain.


All YOU are doing is allowing this to continue,while blaming him for your misery.


Yes he has wronged and hurt you, yes in an ideal world he would be a good man, be accountable for his actions and make up for that.

But he's not.


In reality, YOU are the accountable one here, YOU are accountable for your life and your happiness.


It just does not make any kind of sense to stay with someone who makes you miserable and then in the same breath blame them for doing so.


YOU ARE GIVING HIM PERMISSION TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY.


Take some responsibility and admit (to yourself) that YOU have been contributing to your own pain and misery, maybe then you will take the steps toward accountability and be responsible for your own happiness..


You have 2 options the way I see it; 1) Stay and accept your misery, 2) Leave and make your own happiness.


Neither decision is based on him, it's comes down to you, and only you.

[Rose76]

If you are dealing with true clinical depression, and it sure does sound to me like you are, then I recommend that you get diagnosed by a doctor. You can then discuss treatment options with the doctor, like some medication (doesn't have to be permanent) and the possibility of therapy, which might be a great help. Your relationshio problems can definitely trigger bouts of epression, but I think you are wrong, if you believe that you have depression because your boyfriend caused it. A trigger is not a root cause.

You may very well have chronically recurring depression. That is something that tends to be a permanent disorder that a person has to learn to manage, just like a diabetic has to learn to manage up and down blood sugar levels. Waiting for your boyfriend to "fix" you is probably not going to be a successful strategy. Also, he will have more respect for you, if he sees that you are taking charge of yourself and looking into developing a system to try and manage your depression.

He may or may not be a suitable partner for you. I really don't know. However, I think you are going to have on-going problems with depression, no matter who you have for a boyfriend. Look into treatment and start reading anything you can find about living with depression.

[Chapsticks]

Thank you all for your replies.
I understand what you're all saying about how I should only rely on myself to fix myself.

I want our relationship to work out... But I realize I can't force him to reassure me when I'm getting anxious and irritated if he wants to take the defensive path.

I feel like maybe deep down he is ashamed of himself for hurting me, he has told me that a couple times, and he doesn't want me to bring it up or reference it because he's not proud of it.
He wants me to move on, and I'm trying to, but I also deal with reminders and he doesn't understand that. When I get sensitive or irritated because of a reminder, he gets defensive and he justifies things and then reproach me stuff like "you blame me but you know it wasn't easy for me either". Which to me sounds like making excuses and hurts me more. I never said things were easy but easy or not, there are things you don't do. And he did them.

I also know that I haven't been giving him much of what he wants in a relationship because of my state. I don't think he feels loved enough.

I have yet to get diagnosed by a doctor as I haven't had the courage to go but I realize that it's necessary. If I had to guess, based on what I know it would be PTSD with depression, either MDD or BP2. It's obviously not realistic to think that he can fix that... I'm just hoping he can help me.

[divine1966]

If you haven't been to a doctor and don't even know what you have how can you expect someone to fix you? You aren't making an effort to see a doctor but want him to make an effort. And please don't self diagnose

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[Chapsticks]

Thank you for your message divine. I know I need to go see a doctor. I work in the psychiatric field on diagnostic tools and antipsychotics so it's very awkward for me to act as a hcp all day everyday and then switch roles.

I see things differently as far as my boyfriend is concerned.
If in a relationship one partner cheats on the other, it's going to create a lot of issues that the cheating partner will have to "fix". Making sure they show they are sorry, building trust again etc. whether the other partner develops clinical depression following this doesn't change the efforts to be made by the cheating partner.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I never thought that putting a name on what I have would change anything about what I want from him. I just want the reassurance regarding all the issues I have since the events and all the reminders, nightmares, thoughts etc.

I will make the effort of seeing someone though. And see if it changes anything with my boyfriend.

[Rose76]

You're the one who said you are depressed . . . and I think you are right about that. Anyone who's been cheated on in a relationship will be very sad about that, but not everyone will become truly depressed by that experience. You may have two problems - a relationship problem AND mental depression. The two problems might be feeding onto each other and aggravating each other.

Most people find it difficult to be in a relationship with a person who reacts to adversity by becoming depressed. People prone to depression tend to get very depressed when someone fails them in an important relationship. So the two things feed into each other. It is up to your boyfriend to do what it takes to win back your trust, if he is capable of becoming really worthy of your trust. Maybe he's not, and then you might need to end the relationship and move on. I don't know.

If the relationship ends, or you decide to end it, then you'll be very sad for quite a while. But if you see yourself being eternally depressed, unless you can get back to a good relationship with this particular guy, then you have a depression problem that is independent of what goes on between you and him.

[divine1966]

It's hard to tell if it is true depression. Sometimes bad relationships make us feel as we are depressed. In reality it's your body responds to unacceptable situation

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[Chapsticks]

Thank you again for your replies. You guys have been very helpful. I've been through the stage where I could see that I was reacting to an unacceptable situation... Maybe for about 2 years. And then it got much more serious. I fight a lot inside, my own thoughts and all the negative feelings but I got to the point where I was hopeless and where morbid thoughts were recurrent. Unlike before when I felt Like fixing the unacceptable situation would fix me too, I don't feel that way anymore at all. I feel like there's no definite reason associated with my pain anymore and like it's just my state. I feel like I don't even think it's possible to ever feel different. My boyfriend and I had plans that I was really looking forward to and I realize that even when I think that in 5 years we will be together with children pets and whatever we've wanted to have a happy life, that I still wouldn't be happy. Like it's in me so deeply. And I am mentally exhausted.

That was a turning point for me that made the difference between reacting to the events, and being truly depressed.

I'm really thankful for all your messages and support.

[divine1966]

I hope you get better. Try to see someone about it please

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[A Red Panda]

It sucks a lot that we get stuck to fix ourselves when it is someone else who caused the damage.... but that's how it works. Other people can't fix things for us. If it's been a really long time, and you can't seem to heal or move past the things he's done wrong... then for your own sake wouldn't it be best to move on? All you are doing is causing yourself more and more pain every time.

As to him leaving when things get too much? You said in your first post that he's the only person you really talk to about stuff. That is a huge amount of pressure to put on someone. You're placing 100% of your pain on his shoulders, and expecting him to give 100% to try and make you better. That's unfeasible.

In a way, at least he comes back. A lot of people wouldn't. A lot just bail out when the pressure gets too much, and then never return at all.

But with all of the things you're saying about him.... what positives do you get from the relationship? Do they outweigh the negatives?

[FeelingHopeful]

Hugs chapsticks i wish I had words to help you , im going thru something similar as far as depression but sadly hes not my boyfriend , but I hope you feel better soon !! I will pray for you because I know the internal struggle is hard ,if you don't mind me asking how old are you guys because sometimes with guys its a maturity thing and he might not realize how he has hurt you.

um, I feel the need to weigh in here too. It's not about enjoying the good times and ignorring the bad. He should be present during it all. I'm wondering if it is a fear of rejection is behind your need to cling to or settle in this relationship. Ask yourself and define what you think a good relationship looks like. What if a friend was in a similar one? Would you step in on her behalf? If your relationship doesn't meet your definition of what one ought to be, if you would consider a friend's similar relationship unhealthy then I need not point out the choice you need to make. Be strong and look out for yourself.

Incidentally I suffer and am in recovery from a severe bout of Depression. It was actually my boyfriend who suggested (in a very kind and supportive manner) that it was perhaps time I get help. He saw me almost twice daily during my lengthy hospital stay, was in communication with my nursing staff about my needs and was very active in supporting my recovery (we just broke up over a completely different matter but what I am trying to say is that the man/people in your life should be there for you).

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Chapsticks

I have no one I talk to and open up to except for my boyfriend, and even though he is able to help me I feel like everyday he doesn't make the efforts to make sure that whatever he does doesn't is not something that could hurt me.

I've done a lot of hurting since I met him 3 years ago which is why I have depression today. I also know that my depression has hurt him because of the times I have been so angry at him for hurting me so bad. But I have been devoted to him all the way.

Because of my mood swings, our relationship is a yoyo. And because he doesn't want to deal with my over-sensitivities and my irritability, the past couple months he has just left me and ignored me for few days. We don't live together, so it's very easy for him to shut me off. He just doesn't answer any calls or messages. No matter how hard I try he disappears like I don't exist.

And on top of the fact it really hurts me that he's gonna act that way, I wish he would actually spend that time alone and upset like me so that I know he actually cares and that it's hurting him too not to talk to me but I always learn afterwards all the things he did, all the people he talked to etc while I'm totally abandoned. He knows that while he leave me alone I don't talk to anyone because I have tried talking to a few others about my situation and it didn't go well nor helped me.

When he comes back to me, I'm even more hurt. How can a man who loves me know that I'm in total distress and leave me behind to go have fun or live his own life like if I don't exist?

Every time he comes back I feel worse and worse for this reason and because he keeps leaving me like this I get bad anxiety about what he's doing while ignoring me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or been in my boyfriends shoes?

Because I don't know how to stop this vicious circle.

I've asked my boyfriend to be the one making the extra efforts to help us because I feel already so overwhelmed with dealing with myself that it's hard for me to give to him. ESP when he is so associated with the cause of my pain.
I know that when I'm angry because I hurt I need the reassurance and instead of that he gets defensive and the arguments start... It never ends

I am going to state some hard truth here. The fact is that it is very difficult for a person to be a good partner to someone who is, themselves, unable to be a good partner for them.

This has been going on for 3 years. So, it's not as though there hasn't been any effort put into it. He has likely reached his limit. I do not support the way he's handling it though. If he has reached his own limit, he needs to move on rather than coming in and out of your life like he does. He may care about you, but simply doesn't have the capacity anymore to be a supportive partner and he knows it. It serves no one's benefit to stick with it.

That being said, it appears you too have been sticking with this at your own expense. You cannot even begin the process of recovery for yourself while you are bogged down in a dysfunctional relationship. If you remove this cloud that's hanging over you, you may be in a better position to see things clearly and get a handle on your depression and mood swings, etc.

I would at least suggest a relationship break with a set time limit. In other words, in order for you both to be able to think clearly, work on some things for yourselves and re-evaluate the relationship, take a period of day 30 days where there is no contact or at least very light contact. It is very difficult to think and talk about a situation that is "in your face". Each of you take a step back for a while to break the cycle you are in. If the connection is strong enough, it will survive. If not, that will tell you something as well.

[Chapsticks]

You all have really helpful inputs I really appreciate all the replies to help me

I'm in my mid-twenties and my boyfriend is 10 years older than me. I don't think it's necessarily a maturity thing. I think he doesn't think about everything like I do though. And as men often say, they don't read minds. Sometimes I think he just doesn't realize what I'm going through or what I'm feeling. And I used to explain, but I get exhausted of explaining.

I do agree that it's probably too much for him. I don't think it's easy. I think maybe where I'm wrong is when I've thought he owes me because he hurt me. And to some degree it applies. I think when you do something wrong to someone you make efforts to make up for it. But because the scope is so much bigger than a simple short term mistake in our case, it can't apply the same way maybe because of course he gets tired of having to "pay for his mistakes".

As far as taking a break, it's true that it may be the best thing to do right now, so we can both reflect on what we want... It's scary though. Because of the recent events and the way we have already grown apart some, there is a big chance that at this point, we could end up both feeling happier without the other. that would make me really sad.

@rcat: I'm glad you had your boyfriend with you when you were going through your severe bout of depression.
I think the difference with mine is that he has told me many times that he doesn't understand depression, and he has just started reading about it a bit last week after I sent him articles for him to read.
I think it freaks him out a bit but at the same time I'm hoping it helps him not take too many things personally. Even though it's hard of course.

I think you guys have all given me a lot of things to think about...