Cutting The Virus Out Of My Life

Haven't made an actual thread on these forums since I joined so figured I'd discuss a recent event in my life.

I'm not a very social person naturally. What I mean by that is I don't go out much and when I do it's not typically the social scene I'd like to be involved with. I started online dating in late 2014 and met some girls but I only ever met up with one that I considered having an actual relationship with. She was local so we eventually hung out. We went to a few movies, did the hand holding stuff and then I made the stupid decision of moving in with her. I was struggling internally a lot at that point and made a lot of stupid impulsive decisions.

I didn't know it at the time but looking back she was never the type of girl I would date. She was very wild, loose, very loud and social. I have my wild sides but I'm naturally very quiet, not really interested in the party scene too much, hate big crowds of people and pretty much a shut-in. So right off the bat we were mostly incompatible long term (at least in my eyes).

Back to the point of me doing stupid impulsive things. I was convinced at the time that I was in love with this girl as most young people do when they get involved with someone that is in reality no good for them at all. I even let her tattoo me (don't worry, it wasn't her name) that I'm gonna have to try and cover up eventually.

I'm trying to speed this up. She was one of those people that just had to point out each and every one of your flaws. She'd never pass up an opportunity to point out other attractive guys in the room which she knew would make me jealous and insecure. I won't go into everything she did but she was very mentally abusive to me during our relationship. We weren't together very long as I decided to move back to where I was staying before that which was barely an hour away from her. We were still technically together but while I was away from her two of her friends who became my friends during my stay with her told me she was cheating on me with a guy I had already had my concerns about. I was devastated of course. Never before that had I experienced that kind of pain. I confronted her about it and she always maintained she wasn't cheating and that I was the one to blame for us fighting because I chose to entertain the idea of it being true rather than blindly make the mistake of trusting her every word. Unfortunately I chose to believe her for a bit before the truth became too obvious to me to ignore. We broke up and I spent a long time still blaming myself for it. Lust is a powerful thing sometimes.

Fast forward to about a year later and she attempts to contact me on Facebook wanting to try and be friends. This took place around February or March I believe. At this point time had healed those wounds and I saw no reason to hold a grudge. We mostly texted back and forth but we hung out together one time before she asked if we could be friends with benefits. This was recent keep in mind and I had been keeping to myself a lot so the idea of sex without having to work for it didn't seem so bad. After all it's not like I still had feelings for her. So I said yes. The sex was great and for once I felt good about being in control of my emotions around her. Then she starts wanting more. She was surprised that I wasn't begging for another chance to be with her. I had control of myself and she didn't like that. One night she tells me she was hanging out with a guy and he kissed her and they slept together. The kicker was that this was the same guy she cheated on me with. All of a sudden I lost all that control and felt like the same guy she was manipulating before. I try and keep in mind that we're not together so technically she's not doing anything wrong but I realize that she enjoys the mind games. She enjoys the pent up anger inside of me when I get angry with her about it. So I made a choice. I can keep letting this girl get inside my head and undo all the progress I had made, or I can remove the virus from my life. I chose the latter. I deleted her from my social media a few days ago and feel like I'm on track again.

The point of this post is to explain my experience with someone that claims to want to be in my life, yet stabs me in the back every chance she gets. I'm sure if you're reading this you've known someone like this at one point or another. Maybe you've seen it happen to other people. If you are like me and are dealing with something like this follow my lead and cut the virus from your life before it can intrude on your happiness and personal growth.

If you would like to share your stories on this subject please feel free.

Thanks for sharing this! I mean that in a most sincere form, since the sentence itself, does not convey the tone of voice nor body language behind it.

Toxic relationships are way too common. I wouldn't say that any of the men that I've had relationships with would backstab nor vice versa, but I believe deep down that the reason that is, is because in seeking out relationships or agreeing to be involved which is more like it, I was so scarred by a toxic parent that often has displayed moments of being willing to throw me to the wolves, I've known deep down what to watch for.

But yes, cutting a toxic individual from one's life is a liberating feeling.

Good for you!

I'm reading this and cringing because I feel like in some ways, I've been this person. I never cheated on anyone, but I have been the volatile girl who tested the men I was with only to push them away. Then I'd contact them later asking for forgiveness. It's a cycle that I don't want to repeat but which feeds off of my own raging insecurity. Unfortunately, it's resulted in my recently pushing away someone who mattered quite a lot to me (who is also, incidentally, from Tennessee...are you from the Eastern part? Because that would be just too coincidental. )

I'm not young anymore, not old, but certainly too old to still be doing this. And I'd thought I had a handle on it, which is why I started communicating with this person. We live about 8.5 hours away from each other and met several years ago on Flickr, when we were both very active on the site, and have stayed in touch since. I've known for a while that he's been interested in getting to know me better, but though I had interest as well, my walls prevented me from making that happen. Once we started talking it was like we knew each other forever, and then I happened. And unfortunately, he tried to manage it for a while and then just couldn't. The good thing is that it forced me to realize that I am not managing my emotions, stress, depression, what-have-you effectively these days but the bad thing is that I may have lost him for good. I am not the girl I used to be; this woman isn't going to stay in that little self-destructive cycle.

I mailed him a letter two days ago. Who knows if he'll respond, but he deserved an apology. Anyway, I wanted to say that I identified with your post a little bit...but from a different perspective.

Thank you for sharing your story, Ruari. I welcome any and all perspectives on this subject. In your case, I don't think you take any kind of pleasure from reeling these men in and getting their affection only to cast them out into the dark. Correct me on this if I am wrong, of course. We all have self-destructive behaviors that interfere with the things we want most in life. Sometimes we put up walls as a defense mechanism that stems from some kind of traumatic experience in our past. It's hard to fight these things but they can be beaten. The way I see my ex is in more of a sense that she is just a manipulative, hurtful person. It's why she cheated on me, lied to me multiple times and even that wasn't enough as she entered my life again to cause more damage if she could. My advice would to take a deep look into why you push these men away when you have an interest in them. Fear of commitment? Insecurities? I'd love to hear more from you on this.

(and I'm from Nashville, TN)

Thanks for the reminder. My ex is controlling. Calling me several times a day blaming me, calling me names saying that's just guy humor. I just want to be friendly with him but he makes it almost impossible. I can't go out without him driving me and physically dropping me off. He scarred me, triggers me yes a virus stays with you throughout life

please DO NOT quote ANY SELECTION of my post. thank you. have a good day.

I gain no pleasure in it whatsoever. Indeed, I don't really know I'm doing it until quite late in the game (turn of phrase, not that I am playing a game). I have examined it quite a lot, actually. I'm working pretty hardcore on it with my T. I have in the past as well, but I think I was pretty passive on actually doing the work to deal with it.

I'll say more on it, but I need to make dinner; my tummy is rumbling!

(And he's from Maryville, near Knoxville. Or Murrvul, this Michigander has learned it's pronounced. )

Anyway, to speak more on it as I said I would:

I come from a past history of trauma, abuse, neglect, and abandonment. There were no models of healthy, loving relationships while I was growing up, and I didn't hear very nice things about myself. That's all of it in a nutshell. I'm not trying to blame my past like, oh poor me, I can't have a normal relationship, because I try. But there are things, I guess, missing for me which are just there for people who grew up with the things which were lacking in my formative years. So, for me, knowing how to navigate a relationship, even with a friend or acquaintance, is difficult. With a significant other, I've found it's damn near impossible. Yes, I've worked on this in therapy, but a T isn't a replacement for all of the things your parent(s) should have taught you and there is only so much they can do. It's just hard, and it's an uphill battle.

As I said, I don't know I'm pushing someone away...until the point at which I do, and by then, it's pretty much too late because I've been doing it for so long they are just about to their breaking point. Once I know I'm doing it, it's at the point where I can almost tangibly feel them pulling away from me, and I panic. And then it becomes this crazy tug of war that happens in me. It's a frantic effort to keep them from going, and this indignant-angry-hurt over-reactionary person who shows herself and, I don't know, practically goads them about wanting to be with me. Saying stuff like, "You don't want to be with me," and "I don't know why you put up with me," which they always emphatically contradict as I contradict their contradiction. And it all just spirals and spirals, we argue about dumb shyt and I push and push and push, they resist, resist, resist, until they just can't take anymore. And they snap! and are like, "This isn't going to work. I'm done. Don't ever contact me again." And I'm blocked, or whatever, and I never hear from them again. And it's so abrupt (even though, I mean, I'd been saying all along, "You're going to leave me," that I should be prepared, right?) that it just...ugh. It's the worst.

Like I said, I haven't done this in so long that I'd thought I was past all of that. And I'm embarrassed that I apparently wasn't. I didn't realize how stressed out and depressed I've been and how poorly I was managing it until the person I'd been talking to recently was like, "Nope. I'm out," after putting up with a LOT of shyt. It was the kick in the butt I needed. Not because of him, or for him, but because I'm sick of the cycle...I am working pretty hard on fixing how I cope with stuff. So I'm sharing this because I don't want to sit around and be ashamed of myself. I'd rather talk about it and learn from it.

Your upbringing can definitely play a significant role in how you handle relationships. A lot of people including myself only grew up with one parent and never got to see what a healthy relationship really looks like. My mother has given up on relationships and chooses to be alone after being mistreated by my father and other men. I always encourage her to try and find someone new but she scoffs at the idea.

I messed up a lot with relationships at first. I would actually do the same thing as you do when I look back on it. I would constantly put myself down and ask them multiple times why they wanted to be with me. It screwed up so many potential relationships for me. Over time, I realized it wasn't the girls fault for abandoning me, it was my fault for pushing them to the point where staying around was detrimental to they're own personal growth. This sounds like the same side of the coin you're on.

Again, you're different from the girl I mentioned because this isn't something you enjoy and it eats you up inside. You want to have a love interest, but this subconscious insecurity keeps you from making that happen. It's hard to see the things other see in us sometimes. I'm pretty sure that was the reason I pushed so many girls away. I didn't want them to go, but I didn't know how to show them the better sides of myself because all I saw were the negative ones. It's a terrible habit but if I could break it, so can you.

I hate to sound like a therapist, but tell me some things you like about yourself. Things you wish other people would notice about yourself. By giving these good things about yourself some light you're breaking the habit of keeping them in the dark.

In my case, I love to make people laugh. I used to be so depressed I completely forgot about that part of myself. That's a good quality that no one knew about myself. Bring those things into the light a bit more. If you can't find any then you need to allow yourself to create some. Find a new hobby, take a new class, learn new things. I know all of this sounds irrelevant to the problem we're talking about but it's really not. If we don't love ourselves how can we love someone else? Or in your case how can we let someone else love us?

I did that and what I found was that I started to know myself better than I ever did before. Then that instant reaction of pushing people away and not letting them see who I really am vanished. I could finally have a conversation with someone without underselling myself to the point where I wasn't even sure if I wanted me!

I hope that helped a little. I'm just offering how I handled my experience with pushing people away.

Something similar has gone on with me, as far as finding faults, breaking up, making up. I think I may have BPD.

It was never done as a way to get pleasure-- totally opposite. I felt strong attraction and love, but then my feelings turned, and I pushed them away.

Sometimes, I would go for another round with them, thinking it would be better this time, that we were good together. But I would feel turned off and push them away again.

I hated going through this.

Yes, or we push them away before they leave us on their own.

I don't think that's the case for everyone. It would be very twisted of you to display the kinds of behavior that I mentioned in my original post as some kind of test to see who will stick around the longest. That's like throwing someone in a fire pit and seeing who stays in the longest. It's evil in intent as you're essentially playing mind games with these people while they're just doing their best to stay in the game. I don't believe for one bit that my ex cheated on me because she was "deeply insecure". There's no excuse to take advantage of someone like that. The reason I see the difference in Ruari's story is because she actually takes zero pleasure from pushing those men away. It hurts her just as much as it does them if not more as she is searching for ways to stop those behaviors. It's not somewhat manipulative, it IS manipulative. You have an agenda that ends in hurt for the other person involved. Sure, it's all circumstantial but there's no denying some people just thrive off of attention and hurting other people. That's why I call them a "virus". They only care about themselves and will suck you dry until you have nothing left to give.

Not everyone is a victim.

The intent in Ruari's case is fairly obvious. She has certain insecurities that prohibit her from getting close to men so in the end she ends up pushing them away. When I read that I can see how it goes deeper than evil intent. Now intentionally using destructive and harmful ways of vetting a romantic interest is just wrong. There are ways of vetting people before letting them into your life and that's not it. No insecurity drives someone to cheat, it's a decision someone makes based on their own morality. I don't care how deep of an insecurity I have I'd never put someone else through intentional hell to know if they'll be there or not down the line. My ex and people like her are just hurtful people. I'm sure you'd agree with that?

From how you describe what your ex did to you, it sounds like she acted like she took pleasure in hurting you.

I think for me, I impulsively fell 'in love' too fast, seeing the best of that person and not allowing myself to see the bad signs (or telling myself that I could deal with it) but then as time went on, I fell just as quickly out of love as I fell in.

I got turned off sexually, and just couldn't have sex with them anymore.

I only did cheat once in my life, and I regret it. I had a serious college boyfriend. I got to that point just as I described above. At that time we both had a friend who was an incredibly sexy punk rock star guy (I was weak in the knees with lust). One day he said to me that my boyfriend and I are perfect for each other because we are the same size. This was pretty insulting because I am only 5'5" and weighed 100 pounds.

I ended up having a one-night stand with him. Somehow his triggering my insecurity caused me to do that!

I told my boyfriend that it happened and I was so sorry. But, I also told him that I needed to break up and move home. I was cracked up over school and everything.

He smacked me across the face and that was the end of that.

Read about Borderline Personality Disorder. You may see more traits of your ex in there.

No matter what you do to someone, no one deserves that. I'm sorry that happened to you. He could have just said whatever he needed to say, and walked away.

I agree with this. I totally did this to JD; I think I even said it, that I cared deeply for him, but that I could recognize that I was spiraling and I needed to end things before I either hurt him, or pushed him to a point where he'd *poof* (That's disappear ) And, lo and behold, we talked through that and made it a little while longer and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You don't sound like a therapist. But as I said, this isn't the first time I've thought about these things; it's been decades that I've been self-aware. I haven't dated in 7 years because I realized, the last time I was in a relationship, that the thought patterns were just too destructive and I needed to get into a different headspace. As I've mentioned previously, I thought I was in that space. The thing is that I do like myself, the majority of the time. I believe that I am intelligent, attractive, interesting, and funny. I think that I have some unique perspectives to bring to the table simply because of my upbringing--not the bad parts (necessarily), but the fact that I've lived all over the country and have experienced many things. I like to make people laugh as well, I enjoy playing music (I play a few different instruments), I am learning to cook, am just getting into redecorating my apartment, and am putting together an at-home workout regimen...all of these things are things I enjoy about or by myself. I also enjoy doing things for and with my friends.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately, however. I began a new career at the beginning of March, and things haven't been going smoothly. I am working in a place where I've been for three years already, and I chose to stay there after graduation thinking that would make the transition smoother. It hasn't. There are two people in my department who are literally waiting for me to fail. This is per a frank discussion with my preceptor. I've had a heart-to-heart with my boss where I found out that most of my department feels that I'm not open and accepting of others (that's probably true). So, in the last 7 weeks not only have I begun a new career, I've also had to change my whole perspective. I've had to change how I look at other people, myself, and the world around me...basically, take my personality down to the studs and build it back up, all shiny and new and much more open. But...that didn't happen until after I'd already caused my coworkers to believe that I was walled off, and after I'd made a mess of my relationship with JD. Sometimes change comes at a price, hey?

It stinks, but I guess the hard lessons are for the best. My T and I are working hard at refreshing the coping skills I'd let fall by the wayside. I'm in a sort of repair mode where I've been reaching out to people I've pushed away, and making my apologies. Most of the friends have been refreshingly accepting. The work thing...that is going to be hard. I may have to just face the fact that it's probably time to start over in a new department. As much as I wanted to be where I'm at, it's a fight I don't want to fight at this time. And, as I said, I did reach out to JD with a handwritten letter offering up a humble, sincere apology without excuses. What happens next is totally up to him...but I hope he chooses to talk to me again, whatever that looks like.

Yes, he slapped me as hard as he could. That made me feel better about my decision to break up with him.

It's so hard to see the negatives at first because people are on their best behavior in the beginning.

Also with him, my great aunt had a torturous marriage, and she warned me upon getting to know him that he reminded her of my great uncle.

That also scared me away.

Of course cheating was weak and very wrong of me. But, I really did it out of low self esteem. The guy even threw my underwear out of the dorm room window, lol.

And what did my mother say when I told her he hit me and why? "You deserved it!"

The point I was making in my original post was that there are people that claim to want to be apart of our lives yet constantly exhibit behavior that proves otherwise. If you're someone who has pushed someone away with no ill intent then do as Ruari has done and attempt to make amends with that person and let them know the reasoning behind it. When people that do this never let the problem be known to the people they're pushing away it leads them to believe they enjoy playing games with them. Again, I would never say any and every person who has pushed someone away unintentionally is a bad person. Sometimes life and feelings get in the way.

TishaBuv made a mistake and owned up to that. Like I said, lust is such a powerful feeling it can override feelings of what's right and wrong. Serial cheating is where that line gets crossed. My ex cheated multiple times and continues to lie and say she never did it when there is so much evidence against her it's astonishing I ever questioned it. Then she enters my life again and tries to manipulate me again.

I just want to make sure people know that there are people out there who do these things. If you're like me and are spending day after day on a journey of self improvement these people are toxic to your progress and mental stability.

It is good that you recognize her lying and manipulation and didn't take her back.

@The O.P, wow, sorry to hear that! You did the right thing by cutting that toxic girl out of your life for good. I don't understand people who like to hurt other people on purpose. Anyways, what kind of stuff do you do that ends up pushing other people away? I don't know if I've ever done that for sure.

I've had issues with others in the past to where I let my insecurities and doubts get the best of me, so I kind of ruined a few friendships in the past. I'd do stupid stuff like get upset with them for not calling me after awhile, ugh.

I learned the hard way that I'm not other peoples number one priority most of the time. Also, some of these people had issues too, so that was part of the problem too. And for most of the people who had issues, they didn't seem to really realize that they had that much of a problem. I'm better than I used to be, but I'm still a work in progress.

Heh, I did that as well. I would try very hard not to take it personally because let's be honest, most of that kind of stuff is not personal. People are generally self-absorbed, and aren't thinking, "Oh, I'm just not going to call Ruari. She's the worst. I'll talk to and be nice to her if she calls me but otherwise, meh!" And I don't mean that people are self-absorbed in a negative way, but really, we are first and foremost concerned with ourselves, and we should be! When it's healthy, and we're promoting positive self-care, it's a good thing...we can't adequately care for others unless we've adequately cared for ourselves. But anyway, I would try not to take it personally, and I would to alright with the self-talk for a while. And then something would come crashing down off the shelf in my life, and I'd be like, "Where is everyone? Why doesn't anyone ever call, or ask me to hang out?" And then I'd get all pissed, get out the proverbial ax, and start hacking people out of my life. It's done from a place of hurt, but mostly because I needed something I wasn't receiving. Maybe I should have just asked for it, you know?

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I used to be more like that! I start to worry that my friends don't like me anymore if I don't hear from them for awhile. I still get anxious like that. I have at least managed to not get upset with people for not getting back to me right away, finally! You're right about what you said, a lot of people are self absorbed at times. And a lot of people tend to live busy lives as well.

You sound like you have a lot of self awareness according to your previous responses. It sounds like you're trying to work on your issues. I've lost what could've been good life long friends by acting to rashly in the past. I won't make that mistake again.

Oh, it's not that people don't get back to me right away. What I mean is that, unless I reach out to them and ask them to hang out, I don't hear from them. It's been that way all of my life. In my early 20's, I was in tears about it to my church group leader (this was back when I went to church) and she said that sometimes that is just the roll you play in a friendship--you're more the planner, initiator, etc. And that tends to be true. Case in point, my friend and I were hanging out a few weeks ago and she mentioned that she and her sister were going to try to get Garth Brooks tix for when he's in town next month (I was a huge country fan back in the 90's! Don't like it now, but I think that concert will be so fun!) Anyway, I was excited and said, "Count me in!" Fast forward to the morning they went on sale, and who ended up online at 10am with her credit card? Me. It's not that people take advantage of me, because these girls will pay me back. It's that some people talk and don't have a plan. I tend to want to immediately back up what I say with some kind of plan, like hey let's do this it sounds like fun, okay how do we do it?

My friends like me, and want to hang out. It's just that sometimes, I want them to call me. Sometimes, when I'm not feeling so great, that's what I need, you know?

Anyway, I'm rambling. I have a lot on my mind tonight...sorry. I'm sort of using PC as a distraction at the moment.

This has happened to me...too frequently. I'll share one.

I was best friends with this girl in high school. After high school she quickly became engaged to this guy and my gut told me this wouldn't last. After a while I began to notice something... I liked him and the girl was a terrible match for him (and I'm not saying this out of my own jealousy, they really were a horrible match). So after three years of being friends together, which included spending the night at their house in the shadiest neighborhood, the shadiest room mates, and the mice and pests that overrun the apartment that I shared the night with, not to mention their using me for my car to take them grocery and craigslist shopping, dragging me into their constant fights, having me play the mediator when they didn't want to speak to each other, etc. But more and more, I thought he would be happier with me, and I really began to dislike my best friend because she was a basket case who thrived on drama. She was not a good friend to me, and I thought this guy and I really had something. Oh, and being a blind young girl, it didn't send any warning signs when he had lied about being arrested so he can drink with his friends while I and his gf went to three different police stations looking for him, instead, I thought we'd be a great match, and he only acted the way he did because my best friend was a basket case, that he wouldn't yell or scream or punch holes in the wall if he ever got mad at me. So this guy and I met in secret at his work after she had gone to bed. I thought we had great chemistry, and we confessed that we were both in love with each other. Then, I met him at a bar. He was drunk, and we made out. We drove to my house to have sex but my mom was home and I was not about to get busted having sex with my best friend's fiance. So we agreed we would tell my best friend that he was breaking up with her and we were dating now. And we did. It devastated her. She asked this guy if he could stay the night with her so she wouldn't kill herself, and he did. I couldn't sleep that night, I had felt so guilty for backstabbing my best friend. I was a mess at work the next day, and when I came home, I found a post of this guy who said he was never drinking again and that I was just a dumb, drunk mistake.

So yeah, I've had some bad experiences with being young and naive when it came to relationships.