Loving wife caught cheating

OK - had a perfect life - or so I thought.

Ran into wife's chats few days back and found flirty text. Eventually she admitted to having sex with three men and not just one over a period of last 4 years. These guys do not know each other and are from diverse background (colleague, unknown executive and a salesman). The sex was infrequent and the emotional infidelity, sexting and catching-up was constant. There ages are 25, 30 and 40. In all three cases, it was the wife who was egging them on.

Wife maintains my always being busy in office and emotional unavailability led her to do this. She feels she was emotionally very vulnerable and needed emotional support post the kid's birth.

Per her diary which I demanded to read, the sex wasn't great and it was more for the guys then for her. Her bargain was the emotional availability of these guys. She used the term 'conquests' for the physical part.

She promises she would never do this again in future and has always loved and wanted to live with me (yea, of course!). This was all about filling a void(gulp).

I am still coming to terms with this and have already done the following:
- In a fit, I ended up sharing all this with her father(who else can I discuss with) and sought advice. She is devastated because of this but feels my reaction is understandable.
- I have thought about physically disabling ALL three of these guys so that they live with social stigma all their life.(why did you mess with my life in the first place? She is her own person but you messed my life as well and this is payback time)
- For the married ones(two of them), bring this cheating to the notice of their spouse (more payback)
- Have thought about divorcing and have met the lawyers. Thinking about my kid and how much I have invested in this relationship and how well it works for me(so I thought), makes this difficult.
- Have thought about reworking as a team and give her a chance
- Have thought about asking her to cut one of her own fingers if she wants to live with me.
- Have thought about making her accept her affairs in writing so that they can become evidence in legal matters in future - if need be.

I have truly loved my wife throughout our 9 years of marriage, have never cheated. She is a "good" wife and mother.

The sex has been steaming hot after this news.

Am I thinking normal? What would you do?

Yes. I would say that you are thinking as "normal" as anyone would under those circumstances.

Personally, I would leave.

I think you two need counseling.

Your wife was wrong to imply your absence of any kind caused her to be unfaithful. She is responsible for the wrongdoing and honestly, has she asked for forgiveness for her actions? Has she admitted she did something wrong and needs help? Has she discontinued the "catching up"? To what extent was the emotional affair? Was she "sexting," cybersexing, sending nude photos, etc.? I'm sorry to be so crude, but I've heard of other situations where there was no physical contact at all, and a spouse found out about their husband or wife sending nude photos and cybering and considered it cheating.

I can't advise you on whether or not you should leave, but consider the fact she may revert back to this behavior. Also consider whether or not you're prepared and want to handle a divorce.

My head just started shaking no when reading this. People can forgive many things, but restoring trust is more difficult.

After learning about multiple guys, her being the one egging it on, and her calling them "conquests"...will you be able to feel trust in her again?

I'd tell their wives and divorce her along with having her write down it was on her for cheating with these men. If she doesn't do that I'd steal her phone from her and use that as evidence. I'd also steal her diary on her too to use as evidence.

It would be pretty much impossible for me I feel to really want to or be able to trust them again if they did that. She just hopes she can get away with hot steaming sex to get away with it.

Though could go about counseling but really there is a line and I feel 3 men is crossing it. Personally I'd feel 1 man would be crossing that line. I wouldn't refer to her as being a good mother but I noticed you put it in quotes because yeah it really isn't true. A good mother wouldn't be sleeping around on her husbands back and putting their parent's relationship at jeopardy.

Oh man I'm sorry she's done this. What a thing to find out.

I don't blame you for sharing it with her family.

And your thoughts of disabling them well hell yeah! (so long as they remain just thoughts).

I'm sensing a mix of anger hurt and frustration and I don't know what to say.

The fact that you haven't shoved her out just yet, when you could have, well. Does it help somewhat that right now you have the "upper hand" in this situation if she truly does want to stay with you?

Either way, if you two separate I'd suggest you get counselling. And if you two stay together, you'll definitely need counselling.

I am indebted to this forum - you have no idea how these responses are helping me think through.

@sophiesmom, @Steiner of Thule
thank you for sharing your thoughts - my mind tells me to divorce her *** in a jiffy and come back to my clean sorted life. But when I think about the divorce and how it impacts my kids and my own life, don't see lot of good coming my way either.

@Strive4Health
- yes, she has asked for forgiveness and full support. She has offered and shared all her social website passwords etc and hopes this will help me build trust. She feels we can do this lifelong.
- she admits she was in the wrong and that she got selfish
-she has discontinued the catching-up and et others know that has been busted and that they don't talk to her again.
- emotional affair was to an extent where she is freely sharing things about our family with all three. She maintains these engagements were for emotional gratification but I could see her disappointment when one of the guys got married - she felt she won't be craved further(from her diary).

@Michelea agree, trusting her again should be difficult but my heart strongly feels I can already and I totally want to. To add context from past - we know each other from 14 years and have strong connection. I am all over her diaries from the past(yeah past!). Wondering if that counts?

@Crazy Hitch
I do feel I have the upper hand in this situation. She will go with whatevet and however I want to fix it. She even gave-in to my physically disabling the guys idea although she strongly felt it was wrong and I that I am not thinking clearly.

What has she done to the family! Why!

I am indebted to this forum.

@sophiesmom, @Michelea, @Steiner of Thule
thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do feel like divorcing her *** in a jiffy and be done with. However, I shudder how life will be after that. How it will impact my kid and myself. Won't have much to look forward to - have ceased to think beyond my family since sometime now. (feeling weak)

@Strive4health
- she accepts her mistake and seeks forgiveness (why only after getting caught!)
- she has discontinued catching up and communicated these people on these lines. Apparently she is not attached but was just emotionally needy.
- she was sexting and having infrequent physical intercourse with all three (per evidence she ****ed out of marriage like 5-6 times per year across guys)

@Crazy Hitch
I do feel that I have the upper hand and that she wants to stick with me for good. She feels she will totally support in whatever it takes to build up trust again. She has shared the passwords for all the digital mediums that she has been using. Funny thing is that she even gave-in to my idea of physically disabling these guys although she feels it is totally wrong and that we will regret if we do it at all. Guess what - I am capable of doing it and I am going to do it. Mentally ready for consequences that follow.

Where does this all leave me?

I throw this out at you considering how long this has gone on.

Point one: over several years, she has done this, not with one man, but many. She has done this with forethought and planning and was the one that instigated, you said. This is not the sign of an emotionally distraught, abandoned woman acting. This is a cheater through and through and she wanted her fun at home and in her second life that was hidden.

Which brings me to point two: she blames it on you for not being there or heck it really doesn't matter what she used as excuses to do what she did, because frankly she would have done it anyway and probably will again when things cool down. Thing is, the cheaters in some cases do it for reasons that hve to do with love life at home etc. but in those cases where they really do care about their spouse, it's either an emotional affair or it is a one time thing and they have remorse over it. In this case I don't even see how she can feel bad about what she's done, since it's a repeated act and she only feels bad for being caught, not for what she did.

it was more for the guys? Then why was she the one who, as you put it was egging them on? This is complete BS. Since it's her diary seems to me not only is she deceiving you but in this case she's been deceiving herself into believing it was for them to make it ok or something.

Leave. I personally would not stick around for he to do it again. I can't say how sincere she is about not doing it again but based on the rest of what I've said I'm going to guess as soon as things cool down, she could easily do it again.

Lastly if she's blaming you for her actions.. here's the thing about cheaters. they ALWAYS blame the other person for what they did. Thing is, we are adults, we can make choices for ourselves, other people's behavior never makes us do anything. acting like it's your fault that this happened is like acting like she has no control of herself. hell if that's the case leave her even faster because frankly next time you're not acting right in her eyes, she will have to go out and find someone who will act right and have sex with them. I know it's simplistic but I think that it does kind of drive home my point.

Because you have children, I would not be running to divorce court, as it WILL be devastating for them. IDK, you don't say much about her background, family life, how she was treated as child...etc. This is something to consider and explore with a professional. You absolutely have to get to the bottom of the WHY she did this.

So sorry you have to go through this and good luck. Please keep us posted.

I disagree. what does it say to your children to remain in a relationship where one of the parents is a cheater? Infidelity is ok? I wholeheartedly disagree. separation and/or divorce is far less devastating than people imply when it's fir the right reasons. My boys are fine boys. they are not emotionally torn, they are not broken by any sense of the word and at 14 an 16 yrs old they re doing quite well even after their mother abandoned them for 4 yrs or more to go off with other men.

sorry this happened to you and your family and yes, I suppose it might send the wrong message to the kids. Cheating is not okay, I didn't say that....all I wanted him to do was to try and find out what his wife's motivation was. I don't think cheating is a character flaw....you're not just born that way...something has to be at the root of her problems...no?

At this point, I doubt the kids have any idea what is happening to their parents relationship and their family. And I hope, if the OP does divorce her, he doesn't tell these kids until they are old enough to understand that Mom has some serious issues and WHAT exactly, they were.

oops maybe I'm wrong about it being genetic! Is Infidelity Genetic?

quite the opposite. I don't care when someone has a character flaw or genetic disposition of any kind. fact of the matter is I have yt to find a cheater that cheats for any reason other than making a bad choice to be deceptive. I don't care about motivations. every motivation for any cheater has been that something has caused them to do this and it denies the idea that it's simply not controlling one's self enough to avoid temptation and being faithful. Everyone has problems, no one has a perfect spouse and none of us does everything right in a relationship. if you're not hapy with your home life, your marriage, it's not hard to get out. No excuse for the deception and stepping out. I am sorry. I've dealt with this more than once and neither time were the reasons justified other than she wanted her cake and eat it too.

as for the kids, I understand considering them and yes it's important but still would not want them in an environment where the parents went through this. The marriage trust is broken at this point and likely even if the kids dont' find out the reason for it, it's going to affect everyone involved negatively. In the off chance that she truly wants to reconcile and make things right, I think it could work out, and in some cases I know that has happened but just in this particular case where she shows no remorse until she was caught (proven by repeated attempts and encounters with males she was pursuing) I think the chance she is sincere is slim

I hope I'm wrong. and I could be but just as an observer that's how it seems to me.

I would divorce her in a minute. Dont wory about the kids, they will still be a part of your life. This took place over a four year time span. Not a one time thing that took place once. She cant be trusted ever again. If you do decide to stick with her, than you need to learn how to get over it quickly or it will drive you nuts.

Oh and I don't know why your post made me think of it but forgive and let it go too easily it may do the opposite of making her quit. Thing is, those that act badly that don't have to face consequences appropriate for their actions will likely do it again. In essence, cheating is one of the few things I find are worthy of divorce. She finds out you're willing to remain afer all the times she's cheated you may be enabling her more than anything.

Thanks for your thoughts - each of them gives me a different viewpoint to look at this situation.

By the way, she is currently at her parent's place going through the family lectures and having stressful time. A private person, her family discussing all this is taking it's toll on her.

IF we are to continue, here are the terms that I have thought of:
1. Written legal acceptance of cheating and apology etc. Only to be used in future if at all needed.
2. We give these three guys something to think about all their lives. Example: let their spouse know, physical impairment(yes, I am still thinking about it and ready for consequences)
3. She loses a finger
4. We share passwords etc and don't keep secrets
5 If this repeats in future someone/more than one, gets killed right away. (I am ready for consequences and crazy like that)

Other option is divorce and going through all the pain that comes with it for everyone - specially the kid.

I have let her know that she can decide how she wants to move ahead.

She is back only after 10 days and then we discuss, fight, decide and I share here.

Problem is my thought process is swinging like a pendulum. I am convincing myself of divorce in the morning. By the night, completely convincing myself that divorce is not the solution for me and breaks everything apart.

Whatever happens, she will go to hell for doing this to me and my family.

Wronged, if I were you, just daydream on the physical impairment. You don't need to suffer consequences of retaliation, you're already dealing with the consequences of what she's done. You're better than they are and always will be.

You Sir, say things as they are. You thoughts are very objective and I can't come up with any reasoning to counter them.

Really appreciate your comments so far and look forward to more.

hmmm, I guess I wasn't taking your violence as a response to this situation too seriously, until you repeated it.
1. For what purpose? I don't think that would hold up in a court of law, after you had "forgiven" it. And, do you live in a state that cares about "who's fault it was"?
2. Why would you want to inflict the same pain that you are having onto another family...what do you gain from this?
3. Violence won't solve this.
4. Of course, this would be mandatory
5. Violence that results in your child/children losing their father to prison? That doesn't make sense. You want to scare her into behaving? What kind of life is that?

IDK, seems like you both need marital counseling and shouldn't even consider being together until it is completed. You are angry, I get it. You need to see if you can get over being angry and accept that she screwed up or you won't be doing anyone a favor by taking her back.

You are so positive and right. But can't let the guy inside me give-in. Don't they have to pay for messing up my life? Maybe they need to die - takes care of retaliation bit. Can't believe I just wrote this.

Nonono...

You are angry and that's the way it is. Nobody can dictate someone else's emotions.

BUT violence is NEVER okay. Reach out to someone if you feel as if you might be.

Your comments are welcome - how can you be so peaceful?

1. Will check with my lawyer regarding this.
2. Should not their spouse get a chance to know that they are being cheated and move accordingly?
3. This boosts the trust-building exercise. We can get it it done at the best hospital - she is already for it but will wait for moment of truth.
4. Thanks
5. At that point, I get to think selfish and make a mistake for a change?

5. That's just dumb. You want to go to jail over this? Being selfish and letting your ego run the show.
4. welcome
3. You have to be kidding. How on earth does cutting off her finger build trust? If I were her, I'd figure you're going to kill me if there's a next time. Again, scaring her into behaving may work in the short term, but I doubt it would last.
2. Tough one, but as a woman, I figure, they'll get caught sooner or later. And who knows what can of worms you could open up (retaliation to you or her or worse, your kids?)
1. good

I guess I'm peaceful because I'm not going through it, but I can see where violence might lead.

5. At that point, my life would be over. Why would I be worried about jail?
3. She offers her finger as a token of repentance and future commitment. This helps me. Also makes me feel she paid for her deed. When I get all worked-up and bothered because of this scenario in future, it becomes simpler for me to deal with it as she has already paid for her past acts. This is good for both of us?
2. Retaliation is something that I am now getting ready to deal with. Already pulled into the mud then why be afraid of the mudslinging. No more clean life for me. Makes me sad.