Marriage separation after deployment

DadFMF - if you really feel you wronged her in the past, then maybe it would be right to put that in a heartfelt letter. (Not a text.) You could keep it simple, but express that you do have remorse for what hurt you may have caused her. It sounds like you very genuinely do. Don't look for a quick response. Put it on paper and drop it in the snail mail. Don't include any criticism of her. Just a simple, heartfelt taking of responsibility for what you feel was wrong of you. Let her take time to digest that. See if it makes any difference. I'm not saying it will bring her back. But it might change her tone.

Then . . . if it doesn't change her tone, at least you tried being accountable. This hostility of hers is unnecessary and bad for everyone, including the kids . . . and including herself. Sometimes marital love dies. Sometimes a marriage has to be ended. But responsible people with young children need to handle it with no unnecessary rancor.

Maybe, come out and ask her: "If you don't love me and don't want me, then do what you need to do, but let's have respect for our responsibilities to these kids. You let me know what I can do to be helpful. Let me know what I need to do to be fair to you. I'll do my best to be fair. I expect you to be fair also."

If she persists in being unecessarily nasty, then just cut any such encounter short.

Here's what you, DadFMF, need to figure out. Is she basically hurt and wants you to go extreme making amends . . . which you might want to do . . . . . OR - is she so out of this marriage that nothing you can do is going to get her back. I would like it to be the first case. I know you would, too. Maybe one month home from deployment is too soon to know which it is. Eventually, though, if her coldness continues, then it is what it is. She has a right to leave a marriage, if that is her decision. But no one has a right to just perpetuate nastiness toward no goal, other than being hurtful. That's not going to lay groundwork for her future being any good, either.

I agree she has a right to leave the marriage. I also have the right to the truth. I'm just tired of the kitty games and I'm in my mid-30s. At this age we should be able to be honest with each other, have an adult conversation and not have these games. I'm just waiting it out to see what happens then I guess we'll go From there

Were you supportive of her getting an education & a way to support herself or is that just another reason for her leaving? Are you willing to give her the suppirt she needs to accomplish her goals? If you are, does she KNOW that?

Many times a wife who isbfed up will take an action & tell you what they are doing & just see what your response will be. If there has been lack if suppirt you can bet thats what shes waiting to see what kind of response & support you will show to her NEEDS. Some women done even know themselves well enoygh at that age to know to ask for it or feel they will be refused so they just do & see what kind ofreaction they receive to determine how they respond.

Your marriage seems like it has pretty much been about you & the kids & NOTHING about her & suppirt she needs to become an individual that is part of the teamwork if the marriage with an ability to care for her kids if anyrhing should happen to you for any reason. Sitting back & waiting to see may NOT be the kind of support out of you that she is looking for.

Actually I have been supportive of her. She used my GI Bill that the military gives ME for further education so she could obtain her LPN, in which she graduated in May 2016. She is currently in RN school. I always been supportive. She knew I was in the military when we first met. She knew the military lifestyle and what it entails. I told her I wanted to be supportive of her goals, to move back home and help out with the kids ect. All of this is HER decision and it's not my fault SHE is being SELFISH. My kids crude out for me the other day cause they wanted us to live together and SHE said no. As a husband, I didn't take my wife out to clubs ect. I been to clubs and the only reason I went was for.one thing. She got use to hanging around this young guy who likes the party. She had femalemarried friends that don't go out and do that, that's why she never hangs out with them. This guy brings adventure to her and it's new. This guy is MARRIED!!!!! He needs to be around his wife instead of being around my kids and family. I came home and she didn't want to give up that lifestyle

It sounded rather more like she didn't want you involved in that part of her life.From what you said in earlier posts.

If I have that wrong I apologize.
My problem has never been with her decision to leave or get on with her life.
My issue is with the way she has done it.
Leaving the marriage is entirely her prerogative, but to expect her husband to wait an indefinite length of time, unable to move on. Whilst she is also unwilling to attend couple counselling, and telling him he should just leave, seems unfair and unjust.

As I have said it before. Marriage is hard, military and forces marriages are bloody hard.
And yes, because of the nature of the work, the person at home is largely responsible for keeping it together during that time. It takes a particularly strong and motivated person to be married to the military, cos the job comes first, and whilst they are away there is little they can do to maintain the relationship. They may not be allowed to call.
So all you have is the mail.
As the partner you have to go the extra mile. Keeping in contact with their family while they are away. Remembering to keep the sparks alive with little fantasies and personal stuff.
Messages and letters from the kids.
Packages from home.
And not just once every.3months.
Weekly letters
Fortnightly packages.
Yeah it's bloody hard work, but it's not forever.
Then they come home, well you know what, they can't just switch off soldier and back to civilian,once there boots hit home turf.
It takes time.
Jet lag.
Not used to the sounds of home.
Not used to talking to normal people.
The list of adjustments goes on.


Everyone has the right to say "I am unhappy I want out."
Then you talk and leave and move on.

You don't say
"I am unhappy and miserable, but I am not leaving, I am just gonna go live a separate life with other people, your not invited. Oh feel free to fk off if you don't like it. I hope you do so I can blame everything on you, and the kids will see what a bad guy u are, according to me. But hell no I'm not asking for a divorce. You might go and be happy somewhere else."

Obviously this is just my take on the situation.

I wonder if this was a woman who's husband had kicked his wife out while she was away , and she came back to find a younger woman fawning all over her husband, whilst he said to his wife...
"Take the kids for the weekend would you, we are going clubbing then she is staying the weekend. I am having a mid life crisis, you'll just have to wait til I am done.
I'm not bothered about our marriage so do whatever!"

Would anyone be sitting here telling the woman to wait it out, and if she is lucky her husband will take her back?

Probably not.

Sorry this went a bit off topic.

I am sorry Dad, once again for your situation. Stay strong, I know it's not much but people care, your kids love you.
I am sure you have some Good friends, lean on them if you can.
Thoughts are with you.

I agree Erebus. That's EXACTLY how I feel. It's funny also that i was married to her 10 years and was never Facebook friends with her sister and this guy is now on her Facebook page. I give up on it. Done with the disrespect. Next stop, lawyer

I missed that she already had her LPN. I had read that dhe was a house wife & now going ro school....so thats why I was wondering how mych REAL support she actually fealt for her current goal. I just remembered how much I had to FIGHT to keep on working toward my computer engineering degree after I was married & ended up pregnant. His comment thstI could just stay home & go back to school when our child was older was a deal breaker because I went into the marriage with it KNOWN....NOTHING gets in the way of MY DEGREE!!! He was totally oblivious to what I said let alone my needs which was why I brought up that possibility.

Sounds like thete is definitely a lack of communication going on & maybe she isnt sure how to express what she is feeling.

I knowwhen I was seriously frustrated about not being heard or supported it came out as major ANGER toward my H. The source of anger isnt always what we assume it to be. My H was totally oblivioys to any emotional connection....a whole other set of reasons why that I didnt figure out until after leaving several years gone.

So is she using yoyr GI bill for her education now? You realuze if she has been a housewife yoyr married years you will probably have to come up with the $ for her education in the divorce. Sometimes its better to let things play themselves out then take action if needed when the big picture is finalized.

It is definitely HARDEST on the kids...divorce is also...really no good solution when it comes to a marriage break up. Truly hope when she gets finished with her RN degree that she will settle into a career & be happuer with her life & find that her marriage is really where she wants to be.

By that time I might be a little too late. I'm not going to sit on the sideline while she's out messing round with this guy

She had 11 months. While I was gone, I was willing to look over all of that. I'm home now, if she has time to hang out and talk with this guy, she could atleast do marriage counseling or talk to me to try to come up with a solution. She wants her cake and eat it too while I'm sitting at my house depressed cause I want my family back.

I think you're getting closer to seeing her for how she is. You've described her as a "good woman" and a "good mother." That's what you wanted to be true. In actuality, she's probably not a candidate for any prizes in either category. You were lonely. She came along. You told yourself she was a great person. Well, maybe she's not so great. Until becoming an LPN, she probably saw no way of being self-supporting. Now she does.

As far as you having a "right" to the truth. I'm afraid that "right" isn't guaranteed to anyone. You know how The Constitution says you have a right to the "pursuit of happiness." Well - same here - you have a right to the "pursuit" of truth. Good luck with that. You won't be getting it from her. She's not being straight with you, she's not going to be and no law compels her to be. This is why people hire private investigators. If you can afford it, hire one for yourself. That might open your eyes to some things. Probably you can't afford that. You possibly already know what you need to know.

Your wife does not sound like a nice or honest person to me. You may have to just face that. I'm very sorry for you going through this. It's got to be awful. But I think you're going to have to put the truth together by reading between the lines. It's not going to come from her.

She's not anymore. Complete 180 from the person I thought I knew. She became a cold hearted person towards me. All she cares about is her friends

People don't change in their basic nature. But, with time, our understanding of a person can change. I'm wondering how long your wife and you knew each other before getting married.

This is How I feel DadFMF - She wants her cake & to eat it too. No one should expect another to wait on sidelines until things work out for them.

She uses her time in other areas - her friends are priority, otherwise, as you mentioned the priority would be marriage counselling.

As sad as this is, I am glad that you can see it for what it is, so that you can move on. It is possible that that things may change, but right NOW, she is 'on another beat'. Look after yourself.

Well everyone, my kids told me some stuff that will definitely end my marriage. Come to find out she was sleeping at this mans house with my kids. While I was deployed, she wouldn't let my kids FaceTime me cause she was at his house. I decided after hearing this that it will be in my best interest to divorce her

Never felt so betrayed in my life. Someone to do that do me makes me sick to my stomach. I definitely didn't deserve this...

Been following your thread, and I don't have anything to add, just wanted you to know I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope you can start your journey to healing soon.

Sending you cyber hugs if that's okay.

I am so sorry...
But you have the truth you needed,.
I am sorry she didn't see fit to protect your children. I hate it when people are so wrapped up in their own wants they trample all over the needs of their own children.
I wish I was surprised...your kids did not need to be put in the middle of this. I think you wrote she said she was putting herself first...well she has definitely done that.

At least you don't have to wonder anymore. All those outbursts telling you all the things you had done wrong, was just her trying to justify the wrong she knew she had done to you.
Allow your self time to grieve. I understand anger is the first and most overriding emotion. Don't let it drive you to do something stupid.
Remember your kids really need you to make sense of this too. If you think her personality switch has been hard on you, imagine how it's been for them living with her and all these strangers she has brought into their lives.
Don't get me wrong kids are very adaptable, they will be okay.
Just remember them everytime you feel like doing something in a moment of anger.

Your right you didn't deserve this...remember that and hold onto it when the mud slinging starts.

If she had an iota of maturity about her, she would hold her hands up and just quietly do what needs to be done.
But her past behaviour suggests she probably won't.

Steel yourself, and lean on those you can. It won't be easy but there is hope and light in the future.

I'm sorry, DadFMF. I'm not surprised at what the kids told you. That's what I was reading "between the lines." When someone disappoints us this profoundly, it may be best to consider the following: What she's done may be about all she's capable of. I don't in any way mean I excuse her. Right now you feel your pain, while she seems "cocky" and suffering no ill effects. There is a price to pay for everything. She has an awful lot to learn about life. There is a price waiting for her down the road that she has no idea about. The way she's been living does not lay the groundwork for a good future. I have no idea what her future holds, but she will probably end up in the company of persons with values like her own. That's not nice company to be in.

Your job is to be an on-the-ball father, ready to catch those kids when she lets them down, which she's already been doing. Don't worry about her. Life has some unpleasant surprises for her. Someday, you may find yourself feeling very sorry for where her gameplan will eventually take her. But guard those kids. She said they are her priority? Yeah, right. Make them your priority. Otherwise, they are going to be tossed by the winds of fickle fortune.

Pursue the dissolution of the marriage, if you feel ready to. Figure the best way to lay down some basis for stability for the kids and you. I'm sorry it has come to this. It sounds like the kids trust you. Or they wouldn't have told you. Let them feel safe to tell you things. Don't expose them to more adult anger than is good for them. You are going to need to protect them from what their mother may be willing to expose them to. I could say harsher things about your wife. I won't. She may truly be so ignorant that she just doesn't know any better.

I don't know if it's a midlife crisis or what.

No, it has nothing to do with that. Stop acting like there's some mystery here that you can't figure out.

Your wife is a young woman. She's not at "mid-life." That happens between age 50 and age 60.

Your wife is not having a "crisis." You are having a crisis. Your wife knows pretty much exactly what she does and doesn't want to do. She does not want to be with you. She has already made that decision and has moved on. She's not dealing with any crisis. She's pursuing education for a nursing career and she's pursuing finding her next man. She's interested in you as someone to do many hours of childcare during the week to give her a good bit of free time. Also, she needs you to help support those kids. Beyond that, she has no use for you in her life. Get it, know it and live with it. You are the one in crisis now . . . because you had no desire or intention to end this marriage. But it is over. She no longer lives with you. It's over between you. It's over. That's not going to change.

Ok Rose. Appreciate it

From what I have read here and there in your thread, your wife has made a decision and she is not interested in getting back together with you. Your wife has been making decisions about "her" own life and has come to the decision that she doesn't want to be dependent. Plus, you were away for several months while she was left with the children and she made a decision at some point to get an education that she could support herself with so she is not dependent on anyone.

It simply is not worth your effort to try to convince her otherwise, her mind is made up. A couple can be married for several years and grow apart. We live our lives and grow and learn and can change our mind about what we want out of life. If someone has grown away from a relationship it's just not worth the effort to invest in trying to change that. Every effort you have put into that has proven to result with your being pushed away and her being angry and resentful.

It's time for you to let go and find someone else that "wants" to have a committed relationship with you. It's important you accept and work towards a future that doesn't stress your children and where you can be a part of their lives and they feel safe and loved by you.

Appreciate the responses. Today I started the "180". I didn't text or call today. The first time since I came back from deployment. She texted me this afternoon a few old pictures of me and my coworkers in the military and said "All of these people you dissed me for and now they are off and happy and appreciative and kind to their spouses". It was out of the blue. I didn't respond back, cause I knew whatever I would have said would have been wrong and cause. Ore suffering on my part (She probably would have responded "I'm done" or "It's over" so i spared myself from hearing any negativity.

Zero initiation and no reply was definitely the best course of action.

I would steel myself against more such attacks, looks like she'll be going out of her way to needle you.

I think Trippin hit the nail on the head.

Your wife seems to have quite a cruel streak. She seems out to punish you. No one turns into this kind of person overnight. It seems like you've been kind of innocent and naive to your wife having the potential for this level of nastiness. It's like you never saw it coming and still don't think of her as a basically mean, self-centered person. You might want to discuss with your therapist what seems to me like a tendency you may have to idealize a person you feel loyalty toward.

As heartbroken as I believe you are, I can't help but think you may have a better future ahead of you with this woman out of it. Just don't get stuck with the same type of woman again.

You speak about having a therapy goal of making yourself "a better man" than you are for the next relationship you get into. IDK, but it may possibly not be you who needs the makeover. Instead of thinking that you need to become a better guy, maybe you should be thinking about seeking out a better type of woman. I suspect you may have been selling yourself short and blaming yourself too much. (And I don't often say that to posters of threads.)