Obsessed!!

can you clarify what you mean? I'm a little confused by your post. Thanks!

Both of these men USED you and you actually let them. You tend to give too much too soon. If you had not found out more about this recent guy, you would still be seeing him until he dropped you for someone else.

I disagree. My ex fiance, unlike what people here think, did not use me. He was deeply in love with me. This last guy did not use me either and told me he loves me. You are wrong. And I most certainly did not allow anyone to use me. I resent that. Please don't throw out assumptions on situations you don't know enough about. You weren't a part of my relationship with either man. You did not witness how they were with me. I find your post to be very triggering.

Here is a link that explains "pearls before swine" and this link shows you how many have used this in songs they have written because you have said you like music.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearls_before_swine

When someone says they "love" you it may not mean to that person what it means to you. You are correct, all I know about these relationships is what you have shared of them. You don't have to accept, nor am I expecting you to accept anything I say or suggest based on what you have shared. A man can be with several women and love them all, but doesn't stay committed to one woman and may be more committed to something else, example alcohol, needing to be with more than one woman, loves something "more than" like his career, his sports, etc. etc.

Golden, I agree that the recent guy didn’t use you. He at no point lied or claimed anything that wasn’t true. You just wanted different things.

But you have to admit that the other guy was a different story. Of course he was in love with you but still he took advantage of you. He lived with you (you took him in because he was homeless)!not contributing financially and you fully supported him, while he didn’t even look for a job, you said he owes you Thousands of dollars and was supposed to pay you back, I doubt he ever will (he could start sending even 20 bucks a month, but he doesn’t), he also stole from you, which is completely unbelievably awful. I’d say all that qualifies for “using”. He was also verbally abusive to you while you lived together. Who does that?

BUT it doesn’t mean he wasn’t in love with you. Some people are just so unhealthy that even if they love you, they can’t help it but act in unhealthy manner, particularly using others or taking advantage of their generosity.

It’s also important to look into people’s actions more than words. Do people act as they really love us by acting and treating us accordingly? Do they cherish us through their actions towards us? Do they express their love through actions of “giving”?

Thank you....

Yes.... this recent guy was honest with me, but he did not use me. We both had fun and there were mutual feelings developing.

Thank you. I think taking advantage of is more the case in terms of my ex fiance. Being used to me implies no feelings involved & pure selfishness. He did take advantage of my generosity, however. He actually did look for work, but he did not try hard enough imo. The key word you used here is unhealthy - he is very unhealthy and toxic to me. And that his actions didn't match his words.

So, I think I may have found a way to inner peace last night over this. I have previously listed out all the negatives about him in my journal -- all the things that make it impossible for this to work and which indicate a toxic relationship.

But so far that hasn't helped me to get past it.

So last night, I wrote out more about all that I dealt with -- my description of his negative and toxic behaviors and problems is long.

I think I have been clinging to the fact that he showered me every day with his love, with attention and devotion. And I think I have been missing that piece of our relationship dearly, despite my list of negatives.

So, beyond wanting revenge, beyond being hurt over his rejection, and beyond wanting to confront him, the bottom line is I've been missing his love and all the attention and affection he showered on me. I didn't want to admit this to myself, all this time. I wanted to block out my feelings.

But along with the showering of attention and love, I dealt with many toxic behaviors and traits. And I asked myself, IF he did come back to me and want me back, would I really want to be involved with him again? And go through all of that again?

All this time I've hoped he would contact me, wanting me back just so I can reject him.

I realize now it's because my deep love for him persisted. But I was in love with who he was from a distance -- and not who he is in real life, in person. The in real life person is a nightmare. From a distance though, he was nearly perfect. He said all the right things, he gave me everything I needed and wanted. He supported me emotionally and showered me endlessly with his love. But it was only just that. Words and affection, which isn't enough. It's all a part of the deception and manipulation that he does, pretending to be someone he really isn't. Getting women to fall for him by being everything they may want -- from a distance.

Last night the reality stared me in the face. I could never go back to him.

I am hoping now that I realize this, that I can finally let go of wanting him to contact me. It may still take some time, and I may feel twinges of that desire, but I think if I keep re-reading my description of him, of this person and who he actually is in reality, that I may be able to find greater peace... I am hoping.

That sounds smart; writing lists of things. When you miss the good things, just remember bad things. And it’s probably not him you are missing, but love words and affection and all other romantic things.

You can’t poseibly miss HIM because like you say the way he portrayed himself from a distance with all his lovey-dovey stuff weren’t even real because face to face he was somebody totally different: real him. Talk is cheap.

There are ton of good men out there who'd be real with you. And honestly not to sign m mercantile but no need to take on men who don’t have their act together, can’t support themselves. Just give yourself time to process and reflect on what exactly happened. Good job on making steps in healing

YES! Exactly. Thanks, Divine!

When I compare the in real life person to the online person, they are starkly different!

He gets women to fall for him online.... his other ex fiance he met online, then they lived together and everything fell apart. Same thing with us. He's had two broken engagements now.

He will probably always be like this. He definitely does NOT have his act together. He's 33 too, so these behaviors are deeply ingrained.

At least with my most recent guy, I saw what it was like to be with someone who is responsible and a true adult.

Your story reminds me of something a friend of mine experienced. She was divorced and got used to living her life single and then got a call from a guy she once dated and had a kind of fling with years ago. This guy began wooing her and at first she did not want to engage him. He kept wooing her and slowly began romancing her with all kinds of dreams of love and adventure. She got hooked and I noticed how she had changed like she was suddenly "high" and embracing this "idea of romance and the illusion he was pulling her into". Surely it was TRUE LOVE at last, finally she had this one last chance to have that true love she had always dreamed of.

Then he finally came to visit her and at first she was still engaged in the illusion and then he left her only to spiral down into the cold reality she had thought she had finally escaped from. I got so I set a substantial amount of time aside for her while she would talk to me on the phone and she would have to repeat so many things he had said to her in his wooing that turned out to not be REAL. I would find myself sitting on the phone with her for two to three hours and I would listen to her repeat the same things over and over again and I somehow knew she needed to do that so I never stopped her or cut her off or dismissed her. She was grieving and she just needed to go over it all until she could find her way to finally accepting the reality of this wonderful illusion he took her on that was never going to be REAL. He could think it and woo it, but he could not actually DO IT.

There are men that can be great wooers. They convince someone they LOVE them and pull that woman into such a pleasant illusion. However, that is really all it is, "an illusion" and when it comes time to facing reality, it can come cold and hard. And even be a kind of traumatic "loss" for someone who so wanted to believe in the "illusion".

TY for sharing this....

I have no doubts that my ex fiance truly loved me. I know he did. He just is incapable of being a mature, responsible adult, he is incapable of a mature, adult relationship and has far too many toxic traits and behaviors. He is very unhealthy emotionally, completely unstable and a total trainwreck in his life, essentially.

Deep down, he knows this about himself, he loathes himself and is full of self-hatred. He's told me how much he hates himself. He even broke down crying, bawling his eyes out in front of me once, telling me what a bad person he is. And now that I truly know him better, he is.

He lies, he steals, he's immoral in life and he cheats. Or at least I believe he emotionally cheated. I don't have actual full evidence -- only a strong gut instinct about it.

That being said, he DID woo me -- BIG TIME. He love bombed me, he supported me and reeled me in very quickly and fast -- all from a great physical distance.

He pretended to be all that I wanted and more... he made large promises and statements/declarations about himself. He told me he used to lie a lot but that he stopped long ago because he realized he wasn't doing himself any favors in life. Well guess what? He's still a liar, lying about being a liar. It's pathological in him. I caught him in many many different types of lies as I spent more time with him.

So much more was wrong. I probably will never conduct a long distance, online relationship again because of this. I am too afraid that I will run into similar problems.

I did fall in love with an illusion. An illusion of a person who was not real. It was traumatic to realize this and come down to reality. Those feelings are wearing off now that I am seeing it all and am accepting it all now -- what really happened.

TY again.

I am glad you are recognizing this, it's painful to finally accept, it was for my friend and it took her several months to work through the "loss" of the illusion she so wanted to believe to be true. She expressed the same kind of anger you have been expressing in this thread.

TY so much.

It's doubly painful when being engaged to the person and when that engagement is broken off. I have wanted to get married and find my life partner for years... it's been my true heart's desire, and finally, I thought I found him. Boy, was I ever wrong. The pain of this ending and of the realities has been immense. And yes, along comes anger with it. At myself for falling for it all, and at him for being deceitful.

Very good insights and reflections, golden eve. You are doing very well. ❤️

Thanks, Divine! I am doing better.... it's getting better, slowly but surely.

I am sorry golden_eye but even though this has been a difficult loss, you avoided what could have been years of being trapped with a man that would have dragged you down with him while he continued to give into this disease and it would have cost you maybe some good years of your life where you could be looking for someone healthier that you can actually count on to enjoy your life with.

It is better to not be married and wish you were than to be married and wish you weren't.

Thanks. This is a most valid and astute comment that I need to further embrace for my own healing.

I know he would have dragged me down, given my experience thus far. It could have become much more costly to me in all ways, including financial. I don't even know if he has the ability to remain employed very long given his issues. I would be carrying most the financial weight. Then there's just all of his problems and issues and poor behavior. Good lord. It could have been a true nightmare for me. Stressful and hard.

And here I've been wanting him to want me back? And for what? So I can feel validated ??? There's no point.

What you wanted to re-experience is how his "love bombing" made you feel. This is something a lot of women get trapped with where they literally live for when the man is love bombing them and making them "feel" special.

Not long ago I read an article about how alcoholics can have traits that are very similar to a narcissist. (of course a person can have both issues too). What they do is keep you trapped in THEIR unhealthy loop where they can be good and caring and it's so nice and then they go off the rails and it's upsetting and toxic. When I finally found the therapist that helped me the most, he explained to me how I had been trapped in my husband's cycle where we would fight because he was out drinking etc, and then he would apologize profusely declare his love for me and promise to be good and that is called the honeymoon period and that could last for a couple of weeks to even a month or two until he would go out on a binge and I would be worried because he often did not come home and at that time there were no cell phones so I would no idea WHERE he was. Because I loved him FIRST I had to at least know he was ok, THEN I could feel angry and disgusted.

Maybe you lived with him for a while HOPING he would straighten out and be that Mr. Wonderful without the problem. Well, I can understand that, but I also remember how disgusting that disease can be too. I woke up one night to my husband literally kneeling in the bed peeing right into the bed next to me. One night I woke up to him getting up and walking over to his closet and peeing right into his closet. Gross. Thank God it wasn't "my" closet. If they don't stop, they end up getting worse and dying of the disease and you are right, it could literally wipe you out financially and you would be married to the debt he would put you in too. That's way too much a price to pay for a person who sometimes can woo you really well. And even when the "stop" drinking they can STILL put you through those cycles. It can make a girl/woman crazy.

When I was struggling with PTSD and trying to find a therapist I thought I found one and began seeing him. At one point I stood in front of him angry as hell and asked him, WHY DO I SEEM TO ATTRACT THESE PEOPLE, I remember saying that I know I am somewhat attractive but I am not Merlyn Monroe. Then one day this therapist SHOCKED ME when he said, "I know your type you are kind and caring and warm hearted which is just the type Narcissists are attracted to because THEY KNOW how to push your buttons. And then he said how he was a recovering heroin addict, was a habitual liar and had been diagnosed with NPD before he got better and became a therapist. He said he would have been able to wrap me right around his little finger while stealing from me.

Well, golden_eye, needless to say that session frightened the HELL OUT OF ME, not recommended for someone already struggling with PTSD. I got my answer but NEVER imagined getting the answer THAT WAY. I did find out this guy was going through a divorce, was broke and did not have a car and was living in his office. He SEEMED like a nice therapist who GENUINELY wanted to help me.

My husband wants me to go to his AA meetings with him but in all honestly I just can't sit in a room full of these kind of individuals, it's just WAY too triggering for me. So he goes and I stay home alone. I like to have the peace and quiet, but I do get lonely. I finally realized what I was missing after spending a while with a therapist that really did help me a great deal. I realized how NICE it is to actually sit and talk with someone who can be engaging and can listen and carry on a deep conversation. The conversations were not about "love or him being in love with me" either, they covered a lot of ground and the hour session went by so fast I always left feeling like I needed more time.

When I get severely triggered, I NEVER hear my husbands voice when I need to feel calm and bring myself out, it's always his calming caring voice that I am so fortunate to have even though he is retired and I don't get to have those conversations anymore. It's nice to be able to be a "caring and nice person" and feel SAFE to be that way and also feel safe to share my hurts and vulnerabilities too.

Maybe you need to find someone who is capable to having a HEALTHY relationship but is widowed or something or is a nice person who finally broke away from an unhealthy selfish spouse. There are a lot of frogs out there but maybe you can find a prince if you keep looking.

That is awful your husband peed in the bed and closet!

My ex actually one night filled a beer bottle with water so I wouldn't know he drank it! Like I wouldn't know!?!?

And yes, what you speak of is I believe the cycle of abuse and addiction to the highs or the love bombing periods after an episode of abuse.

Many abuse victims fall into this cycle and get addicted to wanting the good part of the man, so they stick around for those beautiful moments and endure the bad ones. I have done this myself -- perhaps this is what I've been doing over the last two months by wanting him to contact me. He abused me verbally & emotionally in the end (and throughout). So what did I want? His affection and love again. I was addicted (I'm afraid), to wanting that loving part of him back again. To feel his love again. But then I also have wanted to reject him.

This is something I really need to look at. Maybe I need to work on fixing the unhealthy parts of myself. Something is off in me, for this to be happening. I should not want him to contact me at all. I should be saying goodbye and good riddance, you son of a biotch. But I haven't been for two plus months. Not until just recently, this week... yesterday, when I felt a shift in my thinking - and for the first time in over two months feeling like, who cares if he contacts me or not? Best if he doesn't! He needs to be out of my life!!!

You are lonely and you miss the times this man was loving towards you. Your just human golden.

Addiction is a way to cope with self-hatred. The men I have known that are addicts, all have a supreme level of insecurity.

I have had several, that have chosen the alcohol or drugs instead of me.

I agree with Open Eyes. It's amazing, what you've come through recently, Eve. You're such a cool lady.