I think my partner is emotianally manipulating me

Im losing my mind over this whether he is or I am just paranoia or picking at nothing. Please bear with me whilst I explain as much as I can.

Me and my partner have been together for over 4 years now. We broke up last January when I found out he had been lying over money and took a loan out, I confronted him he got angry and I was the blame for our fight as 'I didn't believe him'. Then he admitted it, promised it was his only debt (he'd not been paying this loan off either...). A few days later I found out abou t2 more credit cards, a credit account and that he'd borrowed money off his family. I broke up with him for the lying.

6 months later we got back together and he'd promised never to lie or hide money issues again. January this year - he lied to my face almost exactly a year on about more debts.

We were saving up to move at the time, and he lied about putting money away when he hadn't saved up anything. Hed get angry and it always seemed to be my fault when we'd had an argument because I was the one who always seemed to bring it up.

8 months later and we are living together (two months in to our rental property). Hes gotten himself fin to some more money problems and having a hard time at work. Im trying my best to be supportive and help him out, not make it worse for him. However, I feel at the moment that I am at the receiving end of all the anger and frustration he has built up from his other life issues. To explain it the best I can - I feel like he has lost all compassion towards me, and spinning things around to deliberately hurt me. A few examples...

1. We'd moved in and within the second week he told me that he only had 30£ left in his account. I went ballistic obviously, it meant I had to pick up the rest of the bills and the food for the month. I have a 6 year old girl with my ex, and I have other priorities financially. He got very defensive and didn't take blame when I confronted him about being careless (he'd been on a stag do, spent loads on beer, bought new trainers, bought his dinner out at work instead of preparing food at home and bringing it in etc). He blamed other things and told me I wasn't being supportive. So I dropped the anger and listened and helped him instead. In the week that followed, Everytime we had a disagreement after that he'd blow up at me. So I told him this...

'You are being really defensive and angry when I confront you about things.'

Now, he has never said that about me, and I have never told him that either. In the days that followed, every time we had a disagreement or whatever, he looked me in the eyes and said...

'Why are you being so defensive?'

At first I was taken a back and surprised. But after the 2nd or third time he'd said it seems like he was using my line to get back at me, and spinning it around on me. For example, we have a system at the moment where if one does the cooking the other washes. It was late at night and it was his turn to wash the pots. He told me he was tired and needed sleep. I went in the kitchen before I retreated upstairs and looked at the pile of pots and felt really bad for him. So I filled the bowl up with soap and water to help out. 5 mins later he shouted me downstairs. He asked me if I filled the bowl up. I said yes. He just said "Don't do that again".

Again I was taken a back. I said sorry and I just wanted to help him. He said "No you didn't, you did it to prompt me to wash up..." (I genuinely didn't!). I tried to explain myself, and got very tearful about it. And he went to me...

"Why are you getting so defensive?"

2. I'd gone food shopping after the incident with the money, and sorted some family bits out and some bills. He was doing a dance performance that weekend, so I went along to support him. It was a big night for him. He told me he had gone out and got something to eat before with a friend and a pint. To say he only had £30 to last the month and I was picking the pieces up, I was annoyed but I didn't want to ruin his evening so I didn't say anything as he deserved the treat. On the way back home, he stopped at a store. I asked him what he was getting and he said 'beer'. I confronted him and said I thought he didn't have any money for food or bills? He said fine and drove off. It deeply upset me. When we got home he asked what was wrong. I told him I was upset, He got angry and blamed me for ruining his one night which was special. So I got angry back. Do you know what he shut me down with?

'why are you being so defensive?!'

3. I have recently gone vegan. He was supportive when I dropped meat and eggs but now I have dropped dairy it has seemed to really bother him. During the past week he has been slipping comments in like 'this chicken is to die for...' he has never said anything like that before about food, but he has said it a few times now. I have just ignored it. Last night we were talking about pies and he said it again. 'My mums beef pie is to die for.' then he stared me down. It was like he was awaiting a reaction from me. I stared back, hurt at the comment yes but I wasn't going to confront him about it.

I looked away and carried on with the cooking and he went 'what?' I said 'nothing'. He prompted me for about a minute until I said that I didn't necessarily want to hear about stuff like that. He shouted at me and went absolutely mental 'why do you take everything so personally?!' I said I dint and that I wouldn't have said anything but he pushed it out of me! He stormed off. Later when he calmed down I sat next to him and asked why he thought I took everything so personally, I didn't realise that I did, and if Iit was an issue that was affecting him I wanted to try and see how he felt so I could resolve it. He said that I was changing the subject and that we need to address what had happened in the kitchen not what had happened before now. I said well what else do I take personally? He got mad and said I was changing the subject again.

I confronted about the 'to die for comment'. He cut me off and said he has never said that before tonight. I said that he has and I feel like hes saying got to stir a reaction in me. He pretty much called me a liar and said I was making it up. Then he asked ME to give him an example (as I told him to give me an example about the 'taking things personally' comment). I said I couldn't give him one its not like I was writing it all down in a journal! he said its because he has never said it before...




Is this manipulation? These are a few very small examples of what he has been doing on a weekly, sometimes nightly basis and I don't know what to do about it. He's not a nice person to be around at the moment and I feel like i'm trapped and I cant confront him about it because he will turn it around somehow. My gut instinct is telling me that something isn't right, but my heads telling me that its probably me that's the cause and whose fault it is. I don't know. I love him but i'm sad that he has lost his compassion for me. It's like he doesn't care if i'm hurt at all. Is this manipulation what he's doing? there is so much more to it than this its loads of different situations. My head is spinning with getting to grips with it all.

Im sorry for the rant, I just need some clarity. I have been in an emotional abusive relationship before now ( to a greater extent) with my daughters dad, but never realised at the time when I was it in, only a year down the line after id left him. I don't want this one to go down the same road.

I have just remembered another thing he said about the vegan thing.

After his outburst he said to me 'just because YOU are insecure about being vegan doesn't mean I have to watch what I say around you...'

I remember looking at him thinking... I am the insecure one?! I am certainly not insecure about my decision I am content with it.

It seems like he is the one insecure about it and flipping it around again?

These are behavior patterns and they aren’t likely to change. I would suggest you get out and move on.

I think your gut is spot on, this isn't right at all. Your partner is not being much of a partner to you, he is being irresponsible, and getting defensive and angry at you. This definitely sounds like he's trying to manipulate the situation, and manipulate you. And it's already working, because you are walking on eggshells trying not to upset him and 'ruin' his night, when it's really his own irresponsible and reactive behavior that is ruining things for you!


It sounds like he is projecting his insecurity and anger and defensiveness onto you, too. And I agree with Sisabel, this is a pattern that isn't likely to change. I'm sure he has his good qualities, and that you had good times together. But this sounds like a classic case of the 'honeymoon phase' of abuse ending.


I'd advise you to get out of that relationship. Ultimately, what you do is up to you. But this lying, anger, and projection are abnormal and hurtful, and you have the right to be treated better than this.

I agree with the others - although it may be painful at first, the best think to do is probably to end this relationship...

I agree with the above. Ultimately it is your decision however you shouldn't bear the grief of financial woes, mistreatment, invalidation and perhaps worse You deserve better even if that means being single.

You are not only dealing with emotional manipulation, but you are dealing with emotional abuse. They are one and the same. You are trying to reason with an irrational, illogical person. You are blaming yourself, or looking at yourself for fault, when it's ALL On him. Turning the tables around on you is abuse. Yelling at you is intimidation and abuse. Manipulating you emotionally is abuse.

I agree with the others -- why continue to deal with this? Get out of the relationship. He's not going to change, and you are miserable.

Hi all thank you so much for your responses and honest opinions.

I find it really, really difficult to get out of my head space when things like this happen, it's really helpful to have neutral and unbiased opinions.

I have considered leaving, but I want to be certain that that's what I want to do before I jump in to it and have any potential regrets. I'm confused at the moment, because last night I was expecting the same deal and instead I got the opposite.

It's me who normally pesters him to do the shopping when its his turn to get it, instead he messaged me and made the plans himself. Instead of scrimping like he normally does, he was telling me to put whatever in the basket and not worry too much about the cost of it. He got home, and spent all evening until around 9pm tidying the bedroom, sorting all of our clothes out, towels, asking if we needed anything doing etc. Usually he will come home and go straight to the couch because he is too tired from work. He didn't moan or complain when I sat down, and even said he'd sort his own tea out.

Ive been run down and ill the last week, it's the first time he'd looked at me concerningly and asked if I was genuinely okay.He told me he loved me before he went to sleep, and cuddled me this morning when he woke up before I got up to leave for work.

ITSSSSS CONFUSINGGGGG. Especially when the night before (the meat comment night) he first thing he said to me when he came home from work was "I don't want any stress tonight".

This is why my head is a mess because of the inconsistency. One minute he will be like this and the next he will blow up at me for balling his socks up 'wrong' when I was the one made an effort to wash, dry and pair them up in the first place. It would be a lot easier and clear cut to deal with if he was just an ar** all the time. It's left me wondering whether he genuinely does care or he's just doing it because he knows how upset it got me the other night, it is because he feels guilty?!

I feel guilty today myself and I question whether these things were enough to make a big deal out of and leave him after all.

Abusers often act kind and loving in between abuse so you let your guards down. If abusers were abustle 24/7, no one would stick around, they keep people around by offering occasional kindness.

I don’t think it’s healthy for your daughter to see her mother being with someone like that.

I hope what I am about to write helps.

Most people want to hear they are loved. And love goes a long way to make life smoother.

But love isn't just words or cuddles. Love is also being honest and taking responsibility for oneself to the extent one is able.

I know from experience that to get tangled up with someone who is irresponsible with finances will end in you being taken for every dime. People who are irresponsible like this will go from person to person to support them in their irresponsibility.

Your daughter will see you enabling this behavior (as well as putting up with his emotionally abusive behavior).

I think you and your daughter would be better off on your own. Irresponsibility with finances (and being dishonest) are deal-breakers. Or they should be.

Please consider dis-engaging yourself from this situation.

I certainly agree with you there. She has been very clingy and weird with me lately and is constantly asking if im okay, like shes trying to protect me. Shes been funny for about a month now. I cant really see how shes picked it up though, but I know they are more intuitive than we realise.

Her heart was absolutely broken when I broke up with him last year. She loves him to bits. It took months down the line for her to stop tearing up about him, it makes my stomach turn to knots when I think about her going through that again.

In a long run seeing mother broken up with wrong boyfriend is healthier than seeing ones mother being mistreated and abused by a boyfriend. She’d likely date men who are just like him.

Staying in bad situations for the kids isn’t fair to the kids but at least I could see why people do it when they share children. In your situation it’s your child, not his.

Staying with abuser because your kid might miss him isn’t very healthy imho. I am bowing out. Good luck, maybe seek professional help

This is absolutely textbook abuse cycle stuff. It keeps you from knowing what to expect, walking on eggshells, questioning yourself.

To me, it really does not matter why he's doing it. He could feel guilty, he could 'really care', but the fact is still that he is emotionally abusive and financially unstable.

Of course those are a big enough deal. Wanting to leave is enough of a reason to leave. Take your time to make your choice. It needs to be your choice, after all. You have the power to never deal with being yelled at for stuff like that ever again.

And congratulations on seeing through some of the smokescreen. It's hard to do when you don't know what to expect.

I have been looking into forums and other peoples experience of what they find 'emotionally abusive' and have been in two minds whether I feel my case is actually abusive or just plain ar**-holey. I keep flipping between yes I think it is, to no you are just dealing with a general partnership issue.



I came across an article last night and finally found a strong similarity of what might be going on (when I say strong, I mean exact!). I believe he's a passive aggressive person and I am stuck in his cycle of passive aggressiveness.




For example -

1. He will take his frustration out on me by snide comments, then retract them and either say I am being overly sensitive when I confront him or downright say he never said it.
2. He procrastinates.When I ask him to do something, like cleaning or some other mundane task that he doesn't want to do, instead of saying no he frequently says 'he will do it later'. He NEVER gets around to doing it later. When I confront multiple times about it, or ask again he will make up an excuse. I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. I have been to busy at work. He has no intention of doing these things. I will either give up asking and do it myself, or I will ask so much its spun around and I'm the one who is nagging or wont let an issue go and then the whole problem is me, not him.

3. Similarly, whenever I as something off him he says 'We'll see...' instead of saying a direct no. This is very common of him and leaves me in the dark. For example, he has known that I have wanted a desk for my writing and that I have been looking for one. I asked him his thoughts of having one in the bedroom (more space and out of his way). he said 'we'll see...' after a month or so of realising I will never get a desk for my work, because he will never directly say yes. I got a desk given for free so I asked if he'd help me pick it up. He went mental at me. Then backtracked when I said he's angry because he expects me to ask him for permission, when really the desk is for me and my work, it is needed, and it is nothing to do with him. He never admitted this, but instead he tried to make me feel bad for 'not running it by him', when I tried to explain that I did run it by him by saying someone had offered it and if he would mind helping help collect it, he wouldn't accept the explanation. Anyway, he has said we'll see about a lot of things and I know by now that I never get around to receiving what I asked. But he's doesn't ever come across as the mean one because he never said 'No'.

4. There is always an excuse for his bad behaviours. Finance for example - he always has an excuse and he FREQUENTLY puts me in the position where I have to pay. Moving house was a nightmare. I moved my last home for him because he wanted to be closer to his family, and my home didn't feel like a home to him because it was mine. So we settled on starting fresh for the both of us. But it all went tits up. Me and my daughter were sharing a bed in my mums flat for 8 months (when the plan was to get out in three). No matter how much I asked about his savings, he either lied and said he'd saved, got angry when I found out he hadn't and blamed me for being unsupportive and not understanding about this finances. He did this on the day of my nans funeral when I asked him abou this savings over an evening meal. I was extremely vulnerable anyway, but not shouted at for asking him in a public place, went cold on me all night which resulted at me crying at the table and apologising for bringing a personal issue up when it was 'not the time or the place'. I didn't dare ask him again for weeks after that. Even when I said that it is not fair on my mum, and its affecting my daughter etc etc he had an excuse. The reason was he was just not saving. The reason was we was not a priority to him, new trainers, nights out and other things were. The reason was, he is financially irresponsible. He never admitted this. It got to the point it was either we didn't move or I was in a position where I was left to pay his half of the deposit and rent and admin fees. He did it at Christmas too where I was left to pay for his familys presents as well as my family, as well as my daughters, because he spent his wage on himself. He's never admitted fault for this either. When I spent on them, the fault left him and it was my issue for WANTING to spend money on his family. Going away on holiday too - telling me he is short of money when booking and me asking if he will put 100 to a 300£ bill and i'll foot the rest. Him agreeing, but never putting that money in to my account, as I haven't asked for it. Then sulking that he is skint and he only has so much to his name when we come home, so I will be the bad guy for even considering asking for the money when I know it is impossible for him to give to me. His sulking and comments are just another passive aggressive threat to non-verbally say 'don't you dare ask me for that money I owe you'. I let him get away with it.
5. I have read that chronic lateness is also their way of saying 'No.' Late for work, late for meeting, late for everything. I cant remember the last time he was early on time, no matter who it affects. Always an excuse. Never 'I just couldn't be arsed'.
6. Dependancy. I can look back throughout our whole relationship and see how dependant he is on me. Significant or trivial. Me to pay the bills when he doesn't have money. Me to view the houses because he 'didn't have the time'. Me to check the recycling waste pick ups and know the schedule, and will just say it 'slipped his mind' If I forget one week, knowing full well if I don't do it weekly it will never get done. My friends have picked up on this over the past four years too.

Does this sound like passive aggressiveness? Is this what Im dealing with? I'm confused as hell and I'm only just starting to put the pieces together because its indirect, and I don't always catch on. Its hard to have evidence of all this without sounding like a crazy girlfriend!!!

Hon, you are in denial. You are not seeing the abuse, or for some reason, you are not matching his behaviors to those you have read about.

His behaviors are abusive. He IS abusive. Everyone here who has experience is telling you that this is abuse. Excuses for bad behavior is a trait of an abuser.

You need to read actual psychology articles and professional articles, not forums. Please read up on the signs of emotional abuse, and the traits and most common behaviors of abusers written by professionals or experts in the field.

Either way, WHY would you want to stay with someone who mistreats you, and given how you are feeling all the time? He is NOT a high quality person and you deserve FAR better. Know this and understand this. Absorb it.

I have I go through lists of emotional abuse, psychological abuse etc but it just doesn't quite ring for me. The articles I read last night were the first ones I have come across that I heartfully recogniosed. Maybe I am blind or in denial, all I know is im waking up to a situation, im upset and in shock and im trying to figure it all out.

Its weird, I feel i'm so good at noticing it in others and in friends and being honest and straight with them. When its your own situation and your emotions are attached things just get skewed and they are all over the place.

I understand. And it is confusing and also very shocking once you start to investigate what's happening in your relationship.

Emotional abuse can be indirect, covert and much more subtle. The bottom line is: you're not being respected, are you? Is there respect here? When there is no respect, why would you stay? You cannot teach respect, nor should you have to. It is a learned behavior, learned at an early age.... you cannot change a person's stripes either.

No, I don't feel respected when I look over all of this. There is no respect there I can see that. The rest of the time, I do feel respected. I feel if try and confront this he will just come back with all the times he has tried and loved and supported me. I feel awful and guilty for being mad and complaining about it all.

Bottom line is: healthy relationships involve respect at all times. If respect is on and off, you are in toxic relationship. When confronted, a toxic person DENIES and turns it all around on you, just as you are anticipating. In a toxic/unhealthy/abusive relationships, your upset feelings, when expressed, are never valid and are never validated OR respected. You are not allowed to say "ouch", and the abuser will look for ways to turn it all around on you, leaving YOU feel like you're at fault and therefore, guilty of even having feelings.

Perhaps instead of looking for abuse, read up on toxic and unhealthy relationship characteristics. This is a very toxic relationship, from what I have read and heard.

That being said, here's an article on subtle signs of abuse:

10 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse | eharmony Advice

Why did you take him back six months after breaking up with him for lying about money? He showed you he is totally irresponsible with money and a liar about it. Why would you want to partner with someone like that? Didn’t you see he would bring you down with him financially?

When he continued to be irresponsible with money, why did you continue the relationship? Why did you enable him and support him financially?

You do have yourself and your daughter to be responsible for #1 priority.

Yes, he is totally abusing you, gaslighting, textbook examples here.

I took him back after he apologised and tried to explain himself, and I opened my heart and thought maybe I didn't support him enough when he was going through a hard time, and that's why he lied (I know lying is not excusable under any circumstances). I know relationships aren't all one sided with flaws, I looked in to mine and realised I could have made myself more approachable when it came to his issues, rather than being an angry hot head all the time. I am not perfect, far from it and I don't feel like I was back then or fully there for him either. I think I did it for me as well you know? I was so angry, full of spite at him. That 6 months break I changed and grew cold as a person. I thought the only way to get over this was to drop it and forgive him. I feel it was the right decision to forgive at the time, I am still grateful now I allowed myself that experience. I would have been very sick if I kept on to that anger. The second time he did it (a mere 6 months later) I did not feel anger. Just pity for him.

I wanted to give him a chance to learn from his mistakes. If he doesn't have that chance, he cannot try to learn. Im quite a compassionate and try to be understanding as I can as a person. I did take him back fully knowing that there was a strong chance of him doing this again. I told my friends this when they questioned it. I knew this might have happened when we moved in together, I wanted to give him the chance to learn and to grow too. As it turns out, He is not learning and growing, the past two months have proved that.

However, this time around I feel I have learnt and grew enough to know that I am doing everything I can. I think i'm just recognising it now because I am started to eliminate the factors that put it all down to being my fault. I know now, that the effort that have been made on my part have been made to the max. I cannot do anymore. Moneywise, he takes me for advantage. The holiday thing, where he didn't offer me his share of the bill and is a recent thing (two weeks ago). I'm recognising this behaviour will not change as I have experienced it multiple times now.

I am aware, I am not blind. However, I have only just recently opened my eyes to the rest of this mess. The manipulation and who he is as a person. That I have been blind to and its a lot to take in.

I'm starting to realise that I cannot do anymore for him. He's only just gone to the credit union to ask for help when I have been asking him to do this since January. Countless excuses that he didn't have the time or that I was nagging too much as 'he will get around to it.' He's gone this time off his own back. I fear that it's because he is in a situation now where he is 'independant' (I say this loosely!!) and his mum cant feed him or pay his rent for him. Selfish.

Thank you for this Golden Eve, this is really, really helpful. xxx

I just edited my last post to add an article on the more subtle signs of abuse which may help:

10 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse | eharmony Advice

That was very kind of you to give him a second chance. It sounds like you’ve got a good handle on this and know you need to get rid of him. It doesn’t matter what he says. Just focus on his actions.

—-I so totally agree with this. Being driven to obsessing about the whole thing is, in itself a bad sign. Put the time you would spend mulling this over into planning and implementing an independent future for yourself. Take classes for a career, whatever it takes. Imagine the freedom of being free of all this worry!