My husband doesn't love me anymore

I just got back from our marriage counseling appt and my husband finally told me what I already knew that he isn't in love with me anymore. I feel numb and relief at the same time. I knew for a long time he felt this way, but it's hard to hear it out loud. He doesn't want a divorce and says he is content with our marriage the way it is for now. I feel devastated but now I know for sure that he won't ever tell me he loves me or show any affection towards me at all. He says he loves me because I'm the mother of his son and all those lame reasons people give to somehow make the person feel better. I guess it's my decision on whether this is enough. He says i'm not the same person anymore and things changed especially when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I don't work anymore or do anything like I used to be able to and combined with taking meds it has changed me and him too.

The question is do people stay together even though the love has gone out of their marriage and there's no intimacy? He says he will be faithful and not cheat on me. That 's alot to give up, a life of loving someone who really loves you back. Due to my situation I probably will stay with him that is until I cannot take it anymore. I'm so sad and feel so empty inside of me. No one to hug me or kiss and hold me except our son. I guess it can be done I just need to get strong and put up a wall of stone.

i hate that saying, stay together for the kids. you guys might think that staying together is the better situation but its not. if you show no affection towards each other and never say i love you, thats what your son thinks a relationship is like. i have a very hard time showing affection and use sarcasm to heal instead of just being vulnerable. because my parents screamed and yelled and hated each other. are you going to stay because you cant get a job? i think that might be a sign that it wasnt really love in the first place. anyone can have a relationship but when you stay through the bad times, thats when you know its love. and if he doesnt want to stay then maybe that should tell you guys both something?

I don't know Just Passing, it sounds like things could be rekindled if you all wanted. Just because he doesn't feel in love with you at the moment, there's a lot of "history" and love in the past and there might be banked coals. I would keep on working to get yourself together and not do a wall right away. Do you still love him?

I'm sorry you had to hear it "out loud" though too. Some changes, like clearing rubble, can make room for better buildings?

Thanks Salukigirl & Perma,

My heart is broken but I guess it can mend. Yes I still do love him, why I don't know. He says he loves me, but just not the same as before. I agree that staying together just for the kids is not good either, but it's more than just that. I am dependent on him financially and for at least some security. I hug my son all the time and he at least has his father and mother together even though it's not like I had imagined it to be. He would be devastated if we were to divorce and who would he live with. Not me for sure, I couldn't afford anything, not even a place to live, no health insurance etc... I want to get over this sick feeling of not being loved and start working on me such as losing weight. I'm sure once I lose weight he might see me in a different light. He's not an unconditionally love type of person like I am. But most of all, losing weight will make me feel better and gain some self esteem back.

Anyway thanks you two for coming to my rescue. At least I can give you guys a hug.

there really isnt a type of person that doesnt have unconditional love. thats what real love is. if you dont love them unconditionally then what is there? if there wasnt supposed to be that unconditional love in a relationship then what would be the point in being in the relationship if it could change from one thing? there shouldnt be an issue with weight or mental health that would cause him to not love you.

well good luck. keep us posted.

Dear Justpassingby,

I feel for you so much. I know exactly how you feel because my husband too told me about 6 months ago that he no longer loved me. My husband is the bi polar one in our relationship and unfortunately his feelings for me have been very back and forth. He didn't love me one month and then the next month he did and couldn't live without me. Now he says he still loves me dearly and always will, but he is also now divorcing me.

I honestly don't know what to say to you at this point. I am also a heartbroken person. I can tell you that staying with your husband because of your child will not do anyone especially your son any good. He will grow up watching two loveless people living together in a marriage and it will affect him as an adult in relationships.

Its unfortunate that things have to be the way they are at times. I can tell you that prayer has helped me and also talking to friends, some of which I met here, has helped me greatly.

As far as your financial situation, I don't know what your husbands income or job is, but if you do divorce he will be forced to pay your health insurance for your son until he is at least 18 or until he graduates from college and I'm sure he will have to pay for your health insurance too. You will definitely get child support and probably even spousal support since you do not work and I'm assuming have not worked in quite a while. So, there is hope if your marriage ends and honestly the financial part of your situation should be the last of your worries. A decent attorney can advise you on this kind-of stuff and some of them will even give you a free consultation (mine did). I understand how hard it is to not worry about the money and living circumstances you may face, but you would be surprised how things work out when life starts to happen.

Keep your chin up and you are in my prayers.

Laura

hon I believe like Perna on this. the fact that he wants to stay together says alot! I believe in marriage we all go thru the feelings of not being in love with our spouse. I think it is pretty normal to go thru things like that. hang in there. it isn't over yet. my heart tells me he will try. does he give you hugs now? if so I suspect he will continue to do this. do something to help rekindle that love that is in there.

All I can say is this ____I love you all

I am so sorry for where you are right now. It is incredibly hard to get yourself up when you have been knock completely off your feet. I think it can be helpful to set a few goals to get moving again. HOWEVER, I would focus on what you want! The weight issue, if you are going to do it--do it for yourself, NO ONE ELSE.

In my healing process my overall health was one of the first things I started to work on. Mainly because my obesity problem was one of personal neglect and I knew I had some direct control over how I retreated my body. This is not the case with everyone so be careful. I started walking daily and then progressed to joining a gym with a friend and completing early morning workouts. This provided me with an excuse to take time out for just me which I desperately needed. The small but steady progress I've made in this area helps me feel better about myself. Now I am starting to tackle areas of my life that I am less skilled at dealing with.

My caution to you is that many people think that losing weight is a simple task --consume less than you expend! But those of us who are not genetic ectomorphs, know that there is a lot more to it than that.

I started with weight loss because I knew I had the necessary training and could definitely succeed at it. I would recommend that you choose for your your first goals something that:1) you really want for yourself and 2) you have a high likelihood of achieving.

What is something that you personally want and you are able to achieve? It has to be something that only requires effort or dedication only on your part. It doesn't matter what it is or if it will eventually lead to something else; just something that you want and can work on independently of others.

If you decide that it is weight loss and would like some starting tips and/or encouragement you can PM me.

Hi Mckell13

Words of wisdom. I don't exercise now because I have problems with breathing due to asthma and then it goes into panic attacks. So I know I have to start gradually. The weight issue is one I have dealt with my whole life. Just last year I was at a great weight and even looked good in smaller clothes. I know I can't make my husband love me just by losing weight, but maybe I can start to love myself again. Thanks for your support and responding to my loss.

PS I would be happy to PM you soon ok?

are you overweight to the point where you can have surgery for it since you physically cant excersize? my mom had gastric bypass surgery because her doctor said her weight was interfering with her health and her life. she tried every diet, jenny craig, weight watchers, adkins, south beach - all of them. and nothing worked. she went to bally's 3 times a week and walked on the treadmill as well as walking outside. shes 55 so she cant do very hard physical activity either. she had the gastric bypass on march 26th of 2003 (i think??) and she has lost over 100 lbs. granted her stomach is the size of an egg but she is much healthier and gets around much better. i know there are a lot of health risks that go along with the surgery but those risks arent much worse than a heart attack, stroke, diabetes or the many other health problems that go along with being overweight.

i think insurance covers it if its proven to be a health risk for you. maybe you should talk to your doctor about some kind of treatment?

How old is your son? Is he grown and on his own? Telling somone he loves you for his son and you being his mother, well, doesn't sound lame to me.

But anyway, if your children are not grown and on their own and you can stick it out, then that might be the way to go. Unless you are all fighting all the time?

Not sure if this helps?

I'm probably about 60 pounds overweight and most due to taking my bipolar meds. I don't think gastric surgery would be the right move for me. I plan on trying Nutrisystem perhaps as it worked once before many years ago. I am 48 years old and don't look my age, just by my weight. It really makes me feel less of a woman and so undesirable to my husband or anyone. A part of me doesn't blame him for not being attracted to me anymore, but it doesn't excuse him for not loving me. Age is creeping up on him too so as they say look in your own mirror before you point out some else's faults. Yes if I lose weight, I might not have high blood pressure anymore and my asthma might decrease in symptoms I hope. I plan on talking with my pdoc about getting off that med and finding another one that I haven't taken that might work better in the weight department.

The bottom line is I can't let my husband lack of love towards me get me down any further than it is. I am a very lovable person by nature and always kiss and hug my relatives and my son. He sees that side of me and reciprocates. He is loving back as well and when he sees me sad and depressed and when his father doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch at night, he comes and sits close to me and holds my hand and hugs me.

Update!!!! Well my husband came home from work and came and gave me a kiss. Then he said he wanted to know if it was alright if he took all his band equipment to his job where it wouldn't bother the neighbors. We got letters from our association where we live and also the police come to say to turn it down. So in other words he is not home tonight and we were all suppose to go and pick out our Christmas tree tonight and eat dinner out. He says we'll go tomorrow. That's why he was so nice to me. He plays his drums with a few other guys and their all moving their equipment there as well. Now he'll have another excuse why he is working late. Oh well no negativity from him tonight.

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He sees that side of me and reciprocates. He is loving back as well and when he sees me sad and depressed and when his father doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch at night, he comes and sits close to me and holds my hand and hugs me.

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Kids are amazing, aren't they! In the spring the relationship between my husband and I got really bad and I was depressed. My coping technique was to retreat inside myself and withdraw from the anger. Unfortunately I couldn't just withdraw from my husband, I withdrew from everyone leaving my kids directly in the line of fire. My 10 yr old was the one who kept reaching out to me trying to draw me back. I am not a person who likes physical contact much. However, some how my children have learned to be very open with their affection and my 10 yr old is very good at asking for what he needs. He would ask 'Mom I need a hug, will tickle me and tell me how much you love me today?' This was a game we used to play when he was little.

He really saved me from where I was. Just typing this made me cry a few happy tears...may be there is a heart inside after all.

(((((((((((((hugs to you McKell113))))))))))))))

I understand totally how a child can be so loving that it hurts your inner core to see him strive to love you so much to make up for the father. I want him to grow up and know that it's ok to show emotion and feelings and most people do need that affection. I think I am doing what I can to counteract for the lack of affection his father shows to me and especially the lack of love he feels for me. My son is the world to me and he always knows when mommy is sad because he turns from a kid to a young man and even talks to me sometimes like a therapist would do. I know that it's not his job to make mommy feel better, but it makes him feel better to see me smile.

I think husbands and wives go in and out of love all the time. To me, love is a commitment to treat someone with respect and stay with them, even in the bad times.

What did your marriage counselor say when he said that?

This is my type of marriage here...the one I live in at this moment. I will say that it is possible, but you'll never be fully happy. You might have temporary moments of happiness with your husband then they'll be squashed by the reality. If he has given up on you then what gives you the strength to continue on and what makes you responsible to keep the bits and pieces together? Just a false hope that he may change his mind? I live the life and all I can say is if you have the opportunity to leave without suffering immensely by change (finacial, relocation, losing property..etc.) then you should go. If I had the means to do so I'd be long gone from here. It's called "Empty Love"...but it feels like no love to me.

Jeez, I missed all the updates and stuff....seems your feeling a bit better since the first post. Hopefully your road continues on the right path.

Dear youome,

You're right it is a marriage now I say of convenience at least on his part and part of mine. I cannot afford to leave for many reasons. The emptiness really does suck and hurts to my core, but I want to be strong and suck it up. Maybe one day, I can say that I loving me is enough and that will get me through the day. I doubt it, but I am trapped right now and there's no way out. He has broken my heart and once it mends I don't think I will ever give it out again. I am mourning right now and grieving for the love and life I could have had. Thanks for your comfort

Dear Doh,

I know you are right about how people fall in and out of love all the time. I just pray that he will find his way back into my heart. They say time heals, but it also makes a person bitter as well. I'm afraid that by the time he decides he might love me again, it will be too late.

Thank you for your support

(((just)))

I'm trapped too. I understand completely. For a few years I convinced myself to suck it up and deal with it, just focus on the babies and do what I have to too become more independent. Just this pass year something has snapped in me and I'm beginning to change into somebody I don't recognize. I held strong for along time but I don't think it lasts forever, especially with the demand growing children take. It's hard and at times feels so hopeless. Basically all we can do is be strong and find a companion with in ourselves....it's the strength we have to discover as mothers.

youome,

One can only imagine what a person is capable of doing in light of dire consequences and lack of possibilities. I've always been a pretty strong individual, but I lost myself and all the qualities I once even admired in myself when I had good self esteem. There's only a slight reflection of the person I once used to be that is trapped in that mirror with no way out. If only I felt that I could break that mirror without the so called jinxing myself even more. I would slam it to the ground so hard and jump out yelling for people to hear me so that I might see that I am alive.

Well I just caught my husband in a lie, probably not the first one either I'm sure. Right in front of one of his coworkers at our home he lied about what he was going to do. Put down some much for his female boss at her house. His coworker had just told me the truth, but didn't say my husband was going too. I felt like a fool. My husband and his boss have too close a relationship and he's even attracted to her he has said in the past. I hate him even more for lying to me and embarrassing me in front of someone. He said she is paying for our mulch today and one hand wipes the other. So he is helping her. I feel betrayed because she is a flirt, single and constantly asks for his help and calls him whenever she wants to. I put my foot down and said not when you come home or if we are on vacation. So they talk prior to him leaving work, as i check his cell phone calls and he knows i do. Sometimes he erases the calls. No trust between us and no love anymore makes me feel like nothing, like I don't matter at all. And I am suppose to live like this forever or at least until he gets tired ot it and asks for a divorce. There's no boundaries between them at all and he likes it that way. She must stroke his ego and anything else he wants.

Oh well, I asked for this by staying in a marriage where just yesterday he said he is not in love with me anymore and won't show any affection as he can't fake it. I wonder how long he has been feeling this way? At least for now I have no choice and have to put up with his ways and not say anything to him or he gets really angry and starts yelling and being verbally abusive and he's already emotionally abusive to me. I pray that i can stand it until my self esteem gets higher and I can kick him to the curb and find a life for myself. I don't feel deserving of anythng right now and think I caused this by letting him get away with his abuse.

I'm sorry your husband is treating you this way. I have learned from experience that men treat women this way because WE LET THEM, and we stay. We hold on to the hope that our relationship, and our man, will change back to the way they were in the beginning. We love them, and most women are "fixers" and want to make their marriage work. No one gets marriage thinking that it's only a matter of time before they get divorced.
After almost five roller coaster years, I am finally ready to get out. I love my husband, and truly hope he gets some help to deal with his issues (alot of ego, and trust issues just as you have), but I deserve better than the way he treats me sometimes. And so do you.
The sooner you realize that you'll be happier away from him, that seperation is probably what you need to rebuild your self esteem, the better. And maybe he needs to decide what he really wants. If it's not you, and your marriage, then aren't you better off knowing for sure? Anyne who gives love freely, deserves to recieve love freely.