Assault?

I would insist upon therapy for him. I would say it's a condition of yours to even consider being with him in any way.

You do not have to give into his needs. You can be firm, create better boundaries and limits.

I did talk with him about this. He says he wants to work through this book more before booking another appointment with her. Because I was seeing effort and progress, I'm letting him do this in a way that works for him.

But why should he wait and why should you allow that when he's accusing you of BS crap such as abuse???

I think you're allowing him to get away with a lot, without repercussions and this allows the abuse to continue. He should be in therapy. I would insist on it, regardless of whatever small steps of progress he's made otherwise. You can be stronger than this. A workbook is not enough. He needs to take full ownership of his behavior and he's not being forced to. You giving into his needs just to keep the peace is enabling him.

I was reading about brain injury recently, particularly in the frontal cortex. It could be a result from a number of things but the two that stood out for me was drug abuse and degenerative diseases. He has both. The advice was to follow the DBT which I thought, great! He is already. I mentioned this to him, as a possibility. He was receptive to it. So DBT for me seems to have had a greater positive impact on him than seeing a therapist. I am going to nudge him in the near future again.

You're spending an awful lot of time and energy trying to figure out what's wrong with him. The DBT workbook did not stop him from being abusive towards you again recently. And now it's escalated to accusing you of abuse and telling his family that you are abusive. Yet there are no repercussions. You are coddling him and you are enabling him. Sorry to be so blunt and straightforward, but you're not drawing the line anywhere. Therefore, there will be no limit to the abuse. He can get away with it with you. And what you're doing is explaining away his behaviors by believing he has brain damage with no proper diagnosis and that he has BPD with no proper diagnosis. You're also continuing to cater to his needs. So what if he feels rejected because you need to withdraw from him when he accuses you of abuse? So what? Let him cry, let him stew. He will continue abusing you because you are allowing it to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about the incident.. can't get it out of my mind. I'm starting to think he believes the BS. Afterall, I did shut the door on him, which angered him, and furthered it up by leaning into him to get him out. He was yelling at me and he doesn't normally. So, I was at fault here. I believe it got to this point though because he felt rejected by my boundary at dinner time. Had my radar been on, I would have preceded differently, and not personalize his disregards when managing my daughter's tantrum. The second half scenario had the most impact and damage, even my daughter said so.. NOT mom "physically assaulting" dad.

I'm not allowing him to get away with it but there is a bit of a dance. We usually discuss these scenarios but I've been unable to talk about this one. I really believe he totally misread my intentions. The piece about "paranoia" in BPD seemed quite fitting. He claims he was protecting our daughter. In his head, maybe he was. He was stuck.

Eventually I'll be talking with him about it. I've made a lot of headways with him. It's because of me he's been in therapy, working through the DBT, being more mindful of the boundary issues. He says I have the tendency of pointing out all his "flaws" .. you bet! I want him to look at himself honestly. If it weren't for my persistence and ongoing explanations about how his behaviours affect me, he wouldn't have started the DBT. Our couples counselor was clear. She said, if he wants intimacy and affection, he will need to neet my needs first because I'm already telling him what's causing the barriers for me.

I also believe things need to get worse before it gets better. I'm not GIVING myself to him. I'm still giving him boundaries. I just have to meet him part way so he'll continue to find purpose in his therapy. I don't want him making permanent and damaging decisions that will affect my relationship with my girls.

If you believe he has brain damage due to drug abuse, he must see a doctor ASAP. If you have access to a medical care, making an appointment should be a paramount. They’ll see patients with precautions (wear mask and follow other guidelines). If I thought my husband has brain damage, he’d have to see a doctor right away.

Now you said he has lesions from MS snd it causes him being abusive. I know people with MS, none are abusive but if you think MS and lesions causing abuse, again I’d insist that doctor provides that explanation. I’d go to a doctor with him and would want to hear it from a medical professional. I wouldn’t want to just assume MS and lesions cause abusuve behaviors

If you think he has BPD as well, it’s harder to diagnose but he first must see a doctor and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist. No employer provided therapist will not diagnose. Proper diagnosis needs to be determined by a medical doctor

Your child is only 3. I’d not determine severity of one incident compare to another incident by what she says about it. She is too young to analyze what’s going on between her parents and which incident is more unacceptable.

What exact boundaries is he violating? Yours or his kids? You talk about boundaries but never provided an example of him violating boundaries. Could you give an example of him violating their(or your) boundaries?

I can only work with what I've got. I think information is valuable. I want him to get help. We have 2 young daughters. This isn't just about me or being in this relationship. This could translate to how he connects with his daughters as they age and become less dependent on mom and dad. We've already dealt with Emotional Parentification and I'm not going to be able to help my daughters until I know what's happening. I won't be able to do that living in a different house.

His sister is open to talking with me. She's been supportive and I will explain to her about my concerns. Blood is thicker than water so I'm not sure what will come of it.

I get why you think that. But honestly, I find that to be the role of his parents. I'm the one that's pushed him out of his comfort zone. We've had many heart-to-heart talks. I'm seeing progress but it's not an overnight fix. The rejection is the big ticket for him and I'm JUST understanding it now.

He does have a proper diagnosis. He has Multiple Sclerosis. Most of his lesions were found in his brain. He was diagnosed with it at the start of our relationship. He gets scanned yearly and they find new lesions, yearly (except on his last one). Being a drug addict causes brain injury. He was a long time user. Thankfully that was before my time.

So what? Because little by little I'm making progress. I don't abandon my time away from him. I still take my breaks, work in the garden, and see my friends.. etc. He's adjusted. If he cries, I tell him he needs to work through it. He agrees. When he's at baseline, he's very receptive to my feedback. He says it's because of me that he wants to make himself a better person. He used to joke around by making fun of people. Even that's improving because I pointed it out. He's a lot like his dad that way.

He said he always thought he was a nice and funny guy.. but when I brought forward my concerns, he started to realize a better truth.

It's really hard for people to admit to their "faults", particularly him, IMO.

He has Multiple Sclerosis. He sees his specialist, yearly, and undergoes MRIs, yearly.

Yes, this is hard to do. Convincing him will be even harder. The best treatment for BPD is DBT therapy. He's already doing that and it's going to take time. If I didn't see progress, I'd be singing a different tune.

How she felt about the scenarios is important. The whole thing should have been avoided. I said so from the start. She expressed to me how she felt about it. The second half of the incident was traumatic for the both of us.

As much as the first half was wrong, it really only lasted less than a minute, overall. So yes, it was wrong. I can understand why she was more impacted by the second half. Dad was screaming and threatening. We've both never seen him behave that way before. It's a lesson well learned.

He has boundary issues with everyone.. sometimes it's as little as texting me non-stop during my break, after telling him not to. I find emotional parentifying to cross boundaries.. etc. The specifics aren't necessary. I've addressed them to him, my daughter, his parents, and my therapists. Progress has been made. Right now, what's rocking the boat is this "rejection" piece.

I get people don't understand. There's a lot at risk here. I have no means to leave right now. I worry about how he'll retaliate and use the girls against me. These are real concerns and fears. The only plan I have is not readily available. It's going to take time. If I understand how he operates, I can depersonalize his behaviours, give him some of what he needs, and maintain peace for our daughters.. until my plan becomes available.

I came her because covid19 opened my eyes. I posted this thread to get feedback about my role in this.. for support.. and to release. I need to vent, clearly. It's been an emotionally hard week.

I do understand trying to keep peace until you can leave. I get it. I am just not sure about all this attempts of diagnosing. It might just muddy the water

I do know he has MS but I’d like to hear directly from a doctor that lesions from MS are causing abusive behaviors.

Was he diagnosed with BPD? He might have something else instead. Yes his behaviors do sound like it might be that but you don’t know for sure. Plus just books won’t provide consistent improvement whth BPD. Plus before you had other diagnosis in mind. There were several

It sounds like you two have different views on parenting and pretty much on everything else and might be just be a bad match. You described many of his inappropriate behaviors with other women and with you and kids and his bad attitude about money and his dishonesty all kind of bad habits. He just sounds like someone you don’t blend well with because he just isn’t the right person, sadly. DBT books won’t make him someone he isn’t.

He could improve some behaviors of course but It doesn’t always have to be a mental or physical illness that causes the issues. He might just be who he is. Not the right guy for you

It sounds like you are saying he sleeps in a separate bedroom from you, and sometimes he insists your daughter sleep in his bed with him.

Have you considered he could be abusing your daughter?

His alienating treatment of you and behavior towards the girls are classic red flags for suspicion of his sexual child abuse.

I do have some experience with BPD, but I wouldn’t even know where to start in explaining and it’s about my having emotional dysfunction tied to an extremely difficult dynamic with my husband. These things I described are parts of possibly having BPD.

But, I’m also really people smart and astute. I’m concerned for what you described involving your girls.

Yeah I thought of something being off, just was afraid to say it. I think MsLady said she cosleeps with the children while she still breastfeeds as it’s easier, so he sleeps in the other room. I am not sure about 3-year old, I think breastfeeding was for a baby not a 3 year old. Yes I am not particularly understanding why dad takes a little girl in his bed either. Not suggesting anything sinister per se but I am just not understanding.

She is getting older. At some point she will start pre school, which I’d very much encourage as soon as pandemics calms down and she will be sharing she sleeps in bed with her dad. It might cause some questioning.

Any form of brain injury can impair a person's behaviour. My step dad who was always quiet and reserved became quite verbally abusive towards my mom, after his stroke. It just depends on where the damage to the brain is.

I did find a medical article that said some MS patients were reported to have developed narcissistic like behaviours later on. It was concluded that it's possible that a person with MS could develop a personality disorder, due to the brain lesions. There hasn't been a study that I've come across but it's a possibility. Top that off with a previous drug addiction.

Like I said, his therapist is a certified psychologist. She recommended the DBT. As much as you don't think a book will help, it's what's worked, so far. He's committed to it. He didn't say he quit therapy. He said he wanted to continue working through the book more, before making another appointment. I'm ok with this for now.

I have a lot more experience in parenting than he does. I have a 20yr old. For him it's been about lack of experience and awareness. We have pretty good talks about strategies, it's been ongoing. I do see him mimick me with certain things. He does try. He's a good dad. I just wanted him to be mindful of some areas I felt could be damaging.

After my meeting with the parenting specialist, he's backed off with the "concerns" he had against me.. and really because it was over a boundary issue I had against him towards our daughter.

Yes, we are very different. Our past experiences are very different. Our childhood experiences are very different.

This is one area I've seen him actively work on where I've seen improvements in. He says he's wanting to be more present when we're out together. He has been. It's a good sign.

I'm not sure about that. The impulsive risk is a sign of BPD. If DBT is suppose to help with BPD, it may help his behaviours around spending? He's bankrupt now and has to provide financial statements and things. He's forced to budget so I think this experience will be good for him. He also won't be allowed credit for I think 6 years.

In terms of dishonesty, he came forward about the financial stuff and compulsive lying to both his parents and I. I'm not sure what prompted him to do that, though.

This I understand. The probability is high for me, though. He does suffer from occasional depression with suicide ideation. He's also anxious (we both are). All that IS mental health. Add in the MS brain lesions and previous drug addiction, I don't think I'm far off the mark.

There are definite behaviours that are strictly more about him "just not being the right guy" for me. But I don't believe he's "just" an abusive jerk. There's something else going on there.

You stated he is a good dad. Then I don’t see why it would be an issue if you split and share custody. 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever. I misunderstood that you are afraid he’ll have access to the kids alone without you and he’ll mistreat the children as he is not a good dad hence you cannot leave him (understandable).

If he is a good dad, then separating/breaking up and co parenting like other divorced couples should work ok.

Yes, I currently cosleep with my daughters. Once the baby's night feed ends, I will be returning to our bedroom (with dad). It was a sacrifice we were both willing to take.

No. My daughter does not exhibit signs of sexual abuse. I was concerned about the POSSIBILITY of "grooming" but because of how I handled things, I no longer feel this is an issue. I've firmed up that boundary with him, our daughter, and his parents. My daughter and I have regular discussions around body boundaries, read books together, etc.. all of which were deemed to be appropriate. I definitely put that in the spotlight, in case.

I'm 100% certain there is no sexual abuse. My daughter doesn't sleep in his room. She did for several months when my baby was born. She wasn't sleeping well there, so we both agreed it was best for her to return to her room.

This whole thing about him wanting her in his room is more about emotional blackmail against me. He only demands it when he's upset over a boundary that caused him to feel rejected or "attacked". I've dug my heals. This is also about him needing that emotional comfort that if he's not getting it from me, will expect it from her. It's a form of emotional parentification. The parenting specialist agreed with me and it was one of the 10 issues he had against me. It's a non-issue now because I've been persistent.

Thank you for sharing. Can you explain what happens typically when you're experiencing a BPD episode?

I breastfeed both girls. I no longer breastfeed the 3yr old during the night.

Dad does not take her to his room. We determined her quality of sleep was best in her room .. so when he "changed his mind" I dug my heels. She sleeps in her room.

Ya, it's not the case. She's 3.5yrs old. The sleeping arrangement has never been an issue until a few months ago. So I'm not budging what we had set out to do.

I feel he's been a good dad because I've actively been involved. If I see concerns, I address them. I find his approaches are centered to self.

Then there's the emotional parentification I addressed. The controlling nature when managing behaviours. The tuning the girls out when they're talking with him. The "not understanding what's going on" when one is tantruming over something he's done or overlooked. It's the favouritism and exclusion. It's crying in front of the girls because he doesn't know how to handle a behaviour. It's the avoidance of following through with something because it's hard and she's "not listening" to him.. etc.

I feel like I'm having to address things with him. He does take it in. We do talk about trying different methods and about being more mindful about the girls and their needs.

What I'm more fearful of is that he'll take 60% or 100% (according to his latest threat) with the accusation that I'm "abusive". Because I've been the primary caregiver.. stay-at-home mom, cosleeper, and breastfeeder, even getting 50% is going to be hard on the girls and I. What mom would want that? Or 40% or 0%..?

50/50 model is pretty much the one that most people and most courts go for. Eventually you won’t breastfeed and co sleep. I agree not having your kids full time is not ideal at all. But it’s also not ideal for kids to witness bad relationships or abuse between parents.

Of course there are other co parenting models. I’d consult with a lawyer to see what they think would happen should you split. I doubt courts will give him 100% custody. It’s uncommon and only happens if he can prove you commiting consistent child abuse and neglect. Him simply saying he is a better parent won’t cut it. It doesn’t work that way.

That's another reason why I wouldn't be able to leave right now. I'm still cosleeping and breastfeeding during the nights. Having 50/50 would change that. My 3yr old would adjust ok, if she were to bedshare with dad. I'm not at all supportive of that because of the boundary issues and because he uses medicinal cannabis to help him sleep throughout the nights. Although he's taking below his "daily" limit, he's taking a lot more at night than I realized.. and to have a little girl sleep beside him? Even if he said he wouldn't, he's a compulsive liar.

He didn't say he's a better parent. He's suggesting I've been aggressive with her out of anger. It's bs.

Why does she need to bed share with him? Why not get her a bed? Especially if you understandably object due to his cannabis use at night. Speaking from experience, it will raise questions when she starts school. It could possibly get CPS involved. In fact if you don’t want him to have full custody, this would be one of the topics to address.

Only because at this very moment, we haven't transitioned her into her own bed without me, yet. So hypothetically, adjusting to the separation, plus a new room, and a new bed without mom, will be scary for her. She's spent her whole life cosleeping in one home. She also has seperation anxiety (unlike both her siblings).

Well eventually she’ll have to have some separation as she will have to go to school.

Her bed could be in the same room. Not even suggesting separate bedroom. I get it that now it’s not on the agenda and you aren’t even leaving now. If you decide to leave at any point, she’d be trained to sleep in her own bed by then and sleeping with dad will be unnecessary. Eventually everyone sleeps in their own bed. It can’t possibly go on forever.

Seems like "word" has already gone around.

Ya. We have it set up that once her sister is finished her night feeds, we'll be working on a transition for me to go out and she'll be with her sister.

She was already in preschool but 2 months later, covid19 came.