Assault?

Yes, that's a good lesson. It's one I've struggled with, as well. I just have to let things go and not hold the torch every time he feels something. I'm tired of over-dissecting myself so he can "understand". Having already raised a son with special needs who had some pretty intense behaviours at times, I've been over explaining myself to death. I'm done with that. I just want to enjoy my little girls and raise them as a family.

This comes to mind, again:
Borderline personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

This is why I don't think this is just a case of immaturity and control. He has abusive tendencies that relate to his feelings of emptiness, rejection, image preservation, and need for control. Luckily, the DBT workbook he's been working on was originally designed for people with BPD. It could be why I've been seeing positive results.

How does someone in my position cope through this? How can I keep myself in check when he's exhibiting these behaviours, so I don't rock the boat, myself? I know I added to the problem this time. How do I manage without feeling angry and guarded from it?

Can someone explain what #3 means?

What I know about him is that, on one hand, he has a low opinion of himself. He's referred to himself as a "creep" 3x in our 6yr relationship. He admits he's emotionally unstable, codependent, and has insecurities about his physical appearances and educational struggles. But, on the other hand, he sees himself as a "good person" he's proud of. He talks about his accomplishments regarding being a recovered addict. When I see him openly flirting with women, he comes off over-confident, loud, and chatty. When he's in a social group, he draws attention to himself, is the one cracking jokes, a social butterfly. So I see two sides in him.

Is this what #3 means?

#3 means not having clear vision of himself. One day he think he is the greatest person and the other day he hates himself. Then he wants one thing one day and then something different tomorrow. No stability in self image.

Well if you want to stay in abusive relationship, the one way to cope is to always do what he wants and never question him and appease him at all times agreeing with everything and never make any waves. Sounds like an awful way to live but there is really nothing else if you intend to stay. Any other methods don’t usually work.

Well you can also live a parallel life avoiding him. Well for that you need to be out of the house, working or something and kids need to be at school and gone to other things. For that kids need to be older

If there are no repercussions for his abusive behaviors towards you, there will be no limit to his abuse. It will keep escalating. Statistically abuse escalates and worsens over time.

His accusations and threats were totally unacceptable. I would be seething with rage if my husband did that to me. I’d also be divorcing him immediately.

Did you say you are able to go back to work full time again? Can you do that, afford childcare on your own, and kick him out??

You said you feel trapped. You’ve been in this for 6 years and this is how he’s behaving, still and years later. You may see some progress but he’s still behaving very abusively.

If you have the guts and the desire to leave him, I would find a way out. I don’t see this getting better. I see it getting worse. .

It's only been in the past 2 years that things have escalated. I'd say about 4-5 times where I felt completely beside myself. He has never threatened police or social services before.

In our last episode last month, where there was an escalation (not in front of the girls) it was over another boundary to do with our daughter. He gave me 10 things he had concerns with about my parenting. "Abuse" was not one of them. I spoke to a parenting specialist and she concluded I was not at all doing anything inappropriate. I emailed him her responses in which he responded with, "Ok." He then said he'd book an app, too, to get a second opinion from someone else.. and he attended. Not a single word about her feedback. It tells me I'm NOT mishandling my children, causing a wedge between their bonding, or "damaging" them in the way he accused me of.

I'm unable to return to work until Feb. 2021. It's all to do with technicalities. I'm unable to leave this relationship and my plan is to take the next unit available. We live in a very expensive city and there are financial obstacles for me.

He will undoubtedly fight for 60% custody to claim child support, child tax, and other government refunds. I think this is true because he's just filed for personal bankruptcy and can't afford to live financially independently. This scares me A LOT. If I were to leave, it would have to be at a time we were NOT in a turmoil situation so he'll less likely hang me. It's a very stressful crossroad I'm on.

So for now, I'm having to play into it his way. He's currently love bombing me right now.. hugs and kisses.. filling up his own well. He thinks it's "positive".

But, he didn't once text me during my break away.. and I took a longer break today.

The problem I'm dealing with isn't that it's taking over my life. Covid19 nade me realize how controlling of my time he is.. at the very least, it takes him time to finally accept me spending time without him. He does allow me but it's an effort on my part to get him there.

Like I said, if I'm accounted for, he's all good. It was fine when I worked 60hrs per week. It was fine when he knew exactly what I was doing and with whom, once he got to know my friends a bit. It's when there's an unknown for him, he feels threatened.

So, there was a lot of unknowns for him during covid19 because he dropped a bomb on me. I was having chest pains and breathing difficulties and needed daily walks alone.. coffee breaks, dog walking. When this change first took place (the world had shut down) he was crying! He said he couldn't handle it and NEEDED to know if I had given up on my family and met someone else. I told him he needed to work through that with his therapist. Eventually he was ok with it. But after every episode when he wanted to love bomb and I'm pulling back, he felt rejected. Rejection is not handled well.

So yes, we've had our struggles but it wasn't until covid19 that I understood the bigger picture. It's why I started coming here.

But I remember you saying that you saw his "true colors" during the second pregnancy. This began long ago, according to what you've said before.

Are you married or are you just partners who coparent?

You could get free consultations with a few different lawyers to find out what the legal repercussions would be for you? I would explore this and learn as much as I can about how to protect myself and how to exit.

When you say you are waiting to take the next unit available, do you mean move and without him?

I wouldn't worry about how he's going to land on his feet. It's his own doing, this bankruptcy, and it's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.

Your child witnessed him accusing you and threatening to call the police. She may not show damage on the outside and in front of you, but damage is occurring. Your children will be negatively effected by witnessing what is happening, even if it's periodically or infrequently. They have witnessed you pushing him out of the door, which is some form of physical aggression, they have witnessed shouting and they have witnessed abuse.

I would be researching every single way to figure out how to get out of this relationship, even if it takes the next 8-10 months to accomplish. I would be planning my exit strategy right now.

That's what I was doing, as you know, within my own relationship. The abuse became too much to bare, and I wasn't going to tolerate it one second longer. Planning my exit strategy felt most empowering. I was taking the situation into my own hands.

But for you, he wants you to cater to his every need while he's also abusing you.
The love bombing and giving you space on your break is just to appease you until the next incident occurs.

I think MsLady you said you are afraid he will get 60% custody and will have access to a lot of time with the kids. Is it bad because he is too dangerous to be around kids or simply not a good parent?

My baby is only one.

Common law.

In terms of the incident or separation?

Seperate from him. I've already told him that once a unit becomes available, we should really consider what the best option is for our family. I don't drive so if we live in the same cooperative housing, we could both have access to our children daily.. plus swap our dog back and forth. Neither of us can afford living in the city as a single parent. His response was that he wants us to stay together forever.

I'm not worried about his financial situation. I'm worried that because of his financial hardship, he'll likely fight for 60% custody so he can claim child support and child tax, decreasing my income, further.

They have witnessed a few things, yes. I didn't "push" him though. I'm unable to physically move him. But yes, it was wrong of me to do that. My daughter said the incident in dad's room (yelling/threats) was the "big problem" for her. Not only was he loud, he was also scaring her into believing I was doing something wrong. I was only there to talk with her. I was shaking and my voice was shaking and this definitely had an effect on us.

Well I'm already on the internal waitlist for a 1-2 bedroom townhouse. I'm financially unable to do anything right now. The only solution I have is to keep us all busy. Covid19 made that difficult. I'm also understanding him better now and will seek advice on how to support a person with BPD, even if I'm wrong. He definitely exhibits a lot of the characteristics. There is support out there for family members.. I just have to find it.

My career does not offer great wage increases. I've had many raises along the way but the cost of living and increases of union dues, medical, etc, keeps me at the same difference as I always had. So I can't afford to react and hang myself financially. I'm giving myself up to the next 4 years to solidify my situation.

Ya, I've still been following your story. I was glad to hear that.

No, I wouldn't say that. He wants me to fulfill his emotional needs. He supports me a lot, too, with different things. We coparent well, on normal days. These incidences are infrequent. It's just happening more intensely since covid19.

What I meant was you can consult with lawyers regarding a separation. You can educate yourself on the legalities while coping and figuring it out.

I wouldn't call coming up with a list of 20 things you do wrong in terms of parenting being supportive of you or a good parenting partner with you. I also would not say that him accusing you of abuse, threatening to call child services and the police being supportive of you or coparenting with you well. Children hearing these things is damaging. It is very confusing and scary to a child.

He sounds erratic and volatile. If someone accused me of any of those things AND told his family I was abusive, I would be looking for ways to get a restraining order, take away his parenting rights and kick him out the door.

I have had concerns about boundaries, in general. I have concerns about his emotional instability. There's been incidences where he did not handle the girls well to the point all 3 were crying by the time I arrived home. We don't hit or spank our children. But knowing they were all crying because dad couldn't manage a behaviour.. was concerning for me. The baby wasn't even one yet. She looked scared when I got home.

Dad has a tendency of playing favourites, as well. I've been on top of that. He's improved but occasionally I still have to remind him not to exclude the younger one.

Dad also demands to me that the 3yr old sleep in his room.. and only when he's mad at me. I don't care if he's feeling rejected. Our daughter is not my replacement for emotional support. I've addressed with him about Emotional Parentification, as well. Again, it's improved.

I've also addressed about his manhandling her. Picking her up against her will, as her body is wailing and she screaming. Often times it's because she's trying to run away in public, being silly. This happened yesterday, too. Everytime he does this, I tell him to let go. I talk with her and she instantly calms down. I set a boundary. I get he's thinking safety but, as I told him yesterday, he's already losing that "control" when he does that. What is he going to do when she's bigger? He needs to adopt a better strategy now that will get her to listen.

I feel like I'm having to address a lot. I know he's trying. I run into snags sometimes, too. All parents do. But I find it's me who puts things in motion. He's a backseat driver. If he has the girls 60%, I'm not going to know what's happening. He gets frustrated and emotional. The boundary issue is a big one for me.

And, I have a really strong bond with both my daughters. They ask for me a lot after I've been away from home for a couple HOURS. They're so little, they still need me. I've been the stay-at-home parent so it'll be quite disruptive and upsetting for the girls and I if I only get to see them 40% of the time. I can't stomach that. My babies need me.

If dad proves that I'm an unfit mom, due to his compulsive lying ways, in order to cash in, that will mentally break me. I'm not saying he WILL. I'm definitely WORRIED that he will.

That is certainly concerning. I would be worried too. It sure seems he's trying to build a case for that.

Ya..

Well that's the thing. He's always said I've been the rock in this family. The list of 10 "issues" he had last month was a singular accusation. It was unfounded. I had set a boundary about our daughter and he retaliated about me being the "problem". The parenting specialist said otherwise.

I fully agree. In the 3.5 years our daughter has been around, the threat to police and social services was a first, 6 days ago. Again, he was off the mark.

It's not that simple. It's a "he said/she said" scenario. I don't want to lose my children while the legal authorities figure this out. I feel like I have to tread very carefully. If I had the means, I would have ended it, 6 days ago. I don't have the means right now.

Yes!! He feels I've been keeping records of our emails and text messages. He questioned me about that. Now he's very careful in what he texts and will ask me to come over to his room and talk about it.

This is why I've had such a hard time bouncing back from this. I feel like he IS trying to build a case against me.. hence the "physical abuse!!" .. "I'm going to call the police!!" It's summer and our windows were open. He was performing for an audience as "witness". I didn't scream or yell, though. His family definitely met him outside afterwards to talk about what happened. He's saying he was yelling to "protect the girls". If you look at the BPD list I posted, it talks about temporary "paranoia". I feel that's definitely what happened. He knows there's an issue about him demanding our daughter to sleep in his room. That night he texted me that she would be. I wanted to check in on her to make sure she was ok, and that she truly wanted to be there. He panicked that I came in to "take her away".. he was wild in the eyes.. but he completely misread my body language, tone of voice, and would not have me talk with her or comfort her. He was in his head. So he probably believes he was "protecting" her.

The following day, I had a heart-to-heart talk with her. He asked if he could stay. I said no. Again, he tells her to call for him if she needed him.. implying that he'd "rescue" her again.. putting ideas in her head. After our talk, he "thanked" me. I responded with, "Well, that's what I was trying to do last night," before the scenario blew up. His reaction was as if I was totally BSing him. I then said I walked in quietly and spoke to her name softly before he even noticed me. He was too busy texting.. NOT comforting a young child. He totally denied that happened. I said, "Hey, she was calm until you jolted in bed and started screaming." He walked away because he has zero memory of that. He was volatile and in his own movie script.

You mentioned several times on this and other threads that he violates children’s boundaries. What boundaries and how does he violate them?

Ya, I mentioned about that in other threads before. I've definitely put awareness out there with everyone which is why he was accusing me of "damaging" our daughter. The parenting specialist disagreed. We are now all mindful of these boundaries because I made it an issue and am talking about it on a regular basis.

I think it's dangerous to try and self diagnose him. Has he been diagnosed by a doctor as having BPD?

It's dangerous because it can lead to faulty thinking: Oh, it's his mental illness talking, when he's really being in fact, just downright abusive.

Abusive people can act paranoid and crazy. The danger lies with explaining away one's abusiveness with mental illness instead.

Once again, it's 3am and I've woken up with high anxiety. I keep replaying the scenario and feel sick thinking about it. I keep worrying that he's planning a case against me.

Yesterday he was all affectionate, cuddling and giving me massages. I feel like I have to role with it. He's "filling his bucket" so he's in a really good mood.. all optimistic and chatty.

His biggest issue with me is that I reject him. Intimacy hasn't been high on the priority, even for him, until covid19. He thinks my personal boundaries are unhealthy because I don't feel comfortable receiving his affection, particularly in front of the girls. I sometimes fake it, so they see what a healthy relationship looks like, but his expectations if me, under our circumstances, is too much.

I've repeatedly told him we're in a healing stage, and that I'm struggling with all this stuff he's put on the table. He understands and is actively doing the DBT therapy, although no longer is seeing his therapist "at this time". But when he pushes the envelope and I retract, he can't handle it.

People with BPD, I can imagine this would be very challenging for them. I really don't think he's "just abusive". I really believe there's a deeper issue. He's impulsive. I'm trying to find empathy for him because people with personality disorders do struggle. I'm unable to leave and I have to consider the positive changes I'm seeing from him. I still feel creeped out, though. My stomach cramps and breathing difficulties are hard on my body. My heart is pounding.

Does anyone have experience with BPD?

What I am trying to say is you don't know if he has BPD unless he gets diagnosed as such by a doctor. You're assuming he is. He should get diagnosed by a doctor before you start believing he's BDP without any diagnosis.

I would also insist that he continues his therapy sessions. I would make it a condition of being with him in any way.

Can't you separate from him within the home and do a formal separation if need be? Why do you have to give into his needs, when 1) he has traumatized you and 2) he has shown he can be abusive.

No but his therapist is a psychologist and recommended he work through the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy workbook that's designed for people with BPD. Our therapists are only short term, free with our employment benefits. Their role is to provide us with solutions to work with, hence why she's unable to diagnose him. He says he's working on rewiring his brain.

What you don't understand is that he also likely has brain injury from the many years of drug use and from lesions due to his medical condition. It's not so cut and dry and I'm unable to leave next month, anyway.

Apart from all this, we get along really well. Since covid19, doors opened up to a new realization. So I'm not so much interested in a label as much as I'm interested in understanding the root so I'm better prepared. Again, he's not physically aggressive, nor do we have screaming matches. A lot of this is covert.

Sorry, I didn't see your post until afterwards.

A seperation within the home will not work well. Again, he cannot handle rejection. He's emotional and cries. I've seen him taking his deep breaths the other day because he convinced himself I was taking my break to get away from him.. and it was true. I was having breathing difficulties from the scenario that played out. He says he feels lonely and rejected. It's not wrong. Of course I've distanced myself.

I have to give into his needs because we have children and it keeps the peace.. until I'm in a better situation.

I really do feel trapped.

Did a doctor tell you he has brain damage from drug use? Again, you're assuming, unless a doctor has said that to you.

The DBT workbook does not mean a diagnosis.

What's dangerous about this way of thinking is it allows you to explain away his abusive behaviors by saying it's mental illness, and instead of putting down your foot about the unacceptable, you try to work with the behaviors because you have empathy and understanding, yet it's abuse which is being allowed without repercussions.

He should be in therapy, not just working with a workbook. He needs a real therapist. If that had happened to me, I would be insisting upon therapy and I would probably be insisting upon a formal separation in the home without affection, etc.

You say you get along great, but he threatened to call the police and accused you of abuse in front of your daughter. That is appalling behavior. Absolutely appalling. And so far, there's no repercussions.