Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Good Morning havehope. You do deserve someone better than your husband. Don’t give in to him. Be strong and brave and be comfortable being alone and independent. A difficult request through holidays but an important first step to rebuilding a strong support system(including yourself) without your husband involved. He will need to do the same. After everything you’ve been through and everything you’ve shared, you are on a path of independence and rekindling your self-worth. Sometimes we need time alone to re-evaluate what we want from life and learn what life has to offer us. We can easily be blinded by past habits and relationships and our instincts to care for and concern ourselves with others. Continue to put yourself first. Good luck and best wishes into the New Year.

Thank you so much @ann bog.

I am working on it - it's a process for certain, but I know I am headed in the right direction. Even if it's one step forward and two steps back, I am still moving forward. I am working on healing and recovery. I have a strong support system and I am building it even more so. I have a lot of good friends and my family's support too.

I am less concerned about HIM, and am working on focusing more so on myself and my recovery process.

Thank you for the nice new years wishes. This next year has just got to be better.

Don’t buy his stories. He might not even be alone when he says he is. Don’t tell him you are suffering, it only strokes his ego.

Don’t worry what he tells people. You text him in hope he won’t tell people that you are heartless. For all you know, he might be telling people that you behaved so poorly that he moved out to get some space but you wouldn’t leave him alone. So more texting isn’t serving a purpose or it fits right into his narrative

You have no ways to know what he really thinks does or says. You again believing his words. Don’t. You can’t outsmart people like him. They are always 5 steps of head of us in their scheming ways.

Take him out of equation and focus on you.

Thanks @divine1966. I know you're right.

I'm sure he is building that kind of narrative to his friends. That's out of my control, what he says to them. For the most part, I don't truly care, but a very tiny part of me does. Very tiny. I'll have to get over that.

I am trying to focus on me. It's hard. I am used to focusing my energy on other people besides myself. Now it's time for me to give energy to ME.

You know that movie with Kate Hudson, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?

I feel like I am the woman in that movie who did everything wrong and so she lost her man. Only this time, I didn't lose him, I did everything wrong and I kept him.

My girlfriend's words towards me are haunting me now: YOU ALLOWED IT.

He told me he was in love with me within or in less than TWO WEEKS of dating. RED FLAG.
In less than ONE MONTH, he wanted to marry me. RED FLAG.
He wanted to move in together SO QUICKLY. Though we both needed a place to live. STILL, ANOTHER RED FLAG.
He spoke very poorly of his ex wife to me, even though he was with her for 14 years - he said nothing positive about her - RED FLAG.

UGH - soooooo many red flags. I let them all go. I allowed him to cross my boundaries early on too.

But my friend's words that I allowed the abuse - NOT OKAY. I want to address this with her.

I allowed the red flags to slip by. I allowed him to cross my boundaries early on. I allowed him to hold me down in bed, because I wanted to avoid his anger and a rageful blowup. But I did NOT ALLOW the abuse. I protested all the way through against it. I stood up to him, every single time.

It really angers me that my friend said I allowed it. More projections. She had married an abuser many years ago. She says SHE allowed his abuse.

I wonder if your friend doesn’t mean that you caused this to happen. I think she maybe wants you to heal by accepting some responsibility. It puts you in a power seat and out of a victim’s seat and might would expedite healing process?

I don’t think she wants you to be responsible for how terrible he is. But when we accept responsibility, we are powerful and we make better choices in the future. It works for me.

Could you ask her what she meant.

It’s hard to know what is the right thing to tell someone and what help people need. Maybe she thought that would help you to move on to know that “hey you don’t have to do certain things in relationships and do things that unhealthy men want or expect and you will never do them again because you aren’t a victim anymore.”.

Could there be anything positive in her message? Just because you keep meeting men want you to pay their way, you don’t have to give them money. Just because they want you to do drugs, you don’t have to. Just because they have no place to live, you don’t have to live with them, in fact you should avoid such men. These messages make you strong and powerful I personally experience such message as positive in my own life. Otherwise I would be in danger in repeating the cycle again and again. Of course we are all different.

Your friend might think she is helpful . If it’s not helpful at the moment then I’d ignore her message or tell her it’s not helpful . You tell on here when we aren’t helpful. It’s ok. You cAn do that irl

It sounds that your friend accepted responsibility of marrying an abuser. She might be speaking from experience. Not necessarily projection

Yes - you are correct. She did pose this in the context of wanting to take me out of the victim role/seat and to empower me.

Perhaps I am taking her too literally when she said I allowed it to happen. Maybe she did not mean the abuse itself, but rather that I ignored my gut feelings.

Maybe I could give her more benefit of the doubt. I know she means to help empower me and to help me break my unhealthy patterns - we've talked a lot about that on the phone.

That’s what I am thinking. I find it empowering.

I think I should just take from it what is helpful and leave behind what I did not find helpful in what she said. I know she truly means to help me and to empower me.

Like for example, I find it empowering to know that I need to listen to my gut at all times from now on.

For sure

I am going through a process.... a major process. I am forgiving those who have abused me. I wrote my ex fiance saying "I forgive you. That's all. Take care." and I wrote another prior abuser with the same exact message.

Call me stupid or crazy for reaching out to these a-holes again, but I honestly feel better after having done so.

My girlfriend just pointed out to me what my ex fiance will think as a result of me reaching out to him again, and I was like - what the f do I care what HE thinks??? This was for ME and only for ME. It's for MY healing process... do I really care what his reaction will be to that? NO. I really do not care. I did it so that I can finally let go of all the pain that he caused, that i've been holding onto for YEARS. And who cares if he doesn't respond! I don't. Who cares!

She was pointing out all the possible negatives of what I've done, when I felt it was a very positive step. GEEZ!!!!!!

I love my friends DEARLY, but I am learning where they each falter in being a good friend to me through this process. I DO need them - very much so - through my divorce. But I can see where each of them fail me, in one way or another - not entirely, just faltering.

I frankly think "responsibility" is the wrong word for this. She maybe made a mistake out of ignorance, she maybe was confused by the abuser (abusers do that WELL), etc. etc. But the abuse was not her responsibility. That's definitely victim blaming and unfortunately some victims can blame themselves like this and it prevents healing.

And I am saying that while agreeing with you that you do need to get to empowerment in the end, from first accepting that the abuse happened.

Yes. No one friend - and no one therapist even - will be able to COMPLETELY "be there" for you, without "failing", being perfect. That's just humanly NOT possible. Focus on what they can each give you and only ask for that, not more.

I did decide myself that I had to be very selective about what I share about my traumas/abuse and with whom. Because it can prevent or obstruct the healing process too if it's done too unselectively. Or at least adds too much unnecessary stress.

(In my case the friends I dropped, they were also trying to attack me, instead of being able to reflect that they were just annoyed or something. That is why I dropped them. Please don't get that far with your friends. But for me it did help me see that some of them were fairweather friends anyway lol)

BTW I have no idea how you've been able to do the forgiveness to let go of pain O_o That's interesting to me...

I did try once to see what need the guy that did the spiritual and emotional abuse to me was tryin to satisfy and it did give a certain mental peace to me, seeing that, but was far from enough to help me let go of all the pain

Yes, you are correct! No one friend is perfect and no one friend will be able to fully give me all that I need.

You made a very wise statement here that I bolded - oh so true!!!! I am now going to be more discerning and selective about what I share with whom. This girlfriend in particular is NOT good at processing the trauma or abuse I experienced. So I will not share anymore with her in that regard.

I had prayed to receive healing from all the abuse I've suffered - and what I got or heard intuitively was that I needed to pursue the act of forgiveness. And I can tell you that since sending those emails to my former abusers, I have felt lighter, happier and more at peace. I have found compassion and grace, vs. anger, pain and anguish over what they did to me. So I chose compassion and forgiveness and I have now let go of that pain that they caused. I feel far better for having done so. Now, does that mean I recommend the same for you in your situation? Meaning, reaching out to them again to forgive them? Perhaps so.... or perhaps you can forgive them in your heart and mind only. But I do think and believe that the act of forgiveness - full forgiveness - allows us to finally release the pain of the past.

You have to take it up with hope’s friend to see what she really meant and what happened in her own marriage. We could only guess what she meant and what happened in her own life. My guess was just as good as yours. We could be both right or wrong. Unless she posts on here what word she prefers to use, no way for us to know

They are possibly trying to be good friends but it’s not always easy. Everyone needs different type of supports and it’s not possible to know for sure what’s the right thing to say. They might not know for sure what they need to say to make it perfect and they are just trying their best. I suspect they mean well (your friend probably worries you retraumatize yourself by contacting exes)

@Alive99,

Thanks!

Well, my friend beats herself up endlessly and also suffers from a lot of self judgement. I do too. Her exact wording involved "you allowed this", which to me does come across as victim blaming.

In her own marriage that had been abusive - her ex husband had finally admitted that he had verbally beaten her up on a daily basis. Her response to HIM was that she allowed it. Now I do not know what that meant in HER relationship. One does not exactly allow abuse to occur. It occurs and we respond or react to it. And abusers know how to instill fear and intimidate.

Of course I did not wish to be abused, and every time he did abuse me, I fought back and protested. So I did not ALLOW it - nor do I seek it out from when we first met - who does? Right?

So, yeah, it does come across as victim blaming and victim shaming to me.

yeah.. exactly. They're all trying to just be good friends. But they are NOT therapists, that's for sure. And both girlfriends of mine are not educated enough or savvy enough on abuse to really be able to help me process it and recover from it. They mean well, they care deeply and I know they love me very much. I know it's all coming from a place of wanting to help - so that counts for a lot in this regard. But really, they cannot play therapist for me, nor should I ask them to. My one college friend who told me that I allowed this, does like to play therapist with me, so I need to create some boundaries with her about it.

I'm re-reading my early journal entries again from when I first met my husband.

He most certainly love bombed me. I wrote about how fast he was taking things, how my alarm bells were going off for several different reasons, but how it all felt SO good and how supportive and sweet he seemed towards me. He presented to me everything I was looking for. So many alarm bells went off that I wrote about, but I got caught up by the love bombing. I wanted to believe in him - I wanted the fairytale.

I am SO incredibly sad to read all this, but I have to forgive myself for not knowing what I now DO know.

In the spirit of the holiday season, I am learning and am extending forgiveness towards all my abusers - past and present:

I forgive you for being the broken person that you are. I forgive you for all your cruelty and abuse because you do not know any better. I forgive you for hurting me and I forgive you for all your wrongdoings and failures. I let you go now because I must move on in my life - and eventually I will find someone who will treat me far better. I wish you well and I wish healing for you. Goodbye.

I am sure that during the days ahead, he will still be able to trigger my anger..... I am working on developing indifference to his abusive behaviors.

He liked a woman's post the other day, for example, a woman that I was very wary of when we were together. I thought they were eyeing each other up and down early on in our relationship, or rather, I thought SHE was eyeing HIM up and down. Now I know better - he was eyeing HER, and she responded to it. So now he's gone and liked one of her posts on Facebook probably just to spite me. I know this about him. It's again, another instance of disrespect... but I am used to this from him now and I want to develop indifference to it - like, oh, there he goes again! Being a disrespectful a-hole. That's who he is.

I just shared my forgiveness post on one of my women's Facebook abuse groups, and the one comment I've had so far said "move on".

Those words are so meaningless and inappropriate to me - insensitive as well to the fact that moving on is a PROCESS. It takes getting through all the anger, rage, disappointment and then moving through stages of sadness, grief and despair even. It takes getting to a place finally of acceptance and greater peace about a relationship or marriage ending. GEEZ!

So to simply say "move on", I feel is sooo insensitive and unhelpful. I told this poster as much.

They don’t know you. It’s just social media.

If you feel the need to formally forgive, then that’s what you do. Everyone does things differently. Moving on is not that simple.

You said it - everyone does things differently, and moving on is not so straight forward or simple. It's a different process for everyone.

I did formally forgive two former abusers - and you know what? I feel really good about it! I don't expect replies back, nor do I want one or even care. I feel like something was released inside me for doing so - all the pain I was carrying around for years.