Rough times, need support

I spoke with the new female therapist yesterday and made an appt for this week with her, just the two of us 1:1. She said she can also be our couples therapist, and that she would be an impartial, neutral 3rd party. I explained what was happening in our current couples therapy sessions, and how I feel unsupported and invalidated. She was very supportive, and I immediately felt comfortable speaking with her.

Now I just have to get up the nerve to tell my therapist I am not coming back to him and that we are changing our couples therapist. We're supposed to have a couples session next Tue with him. I want to cancel that appt. I am not convinced yet that this female therapist is right for us, but I liked what she had to say on the phone with me yesterday and she's dealt with domestic abuse. I don't even think our current therapist has experience with abusive relationships, despite what his profile said on the website, Psychology Today. It sure doesn't seem like he does, given that he sides with my husband and invalidates me, the victim of the abuse.

I am angry right now over all of this. It's been almost one year of therapy with this therapist, and I don't feel that we've gotten anywhere, although I must say that my husband has curbed the behaviors that I point out to him along the way. I think he does this all on his own, without help from the therapist.

I wonder what they even talk about in his individual sessions. They chit chat often in our couples sessions, so I imagine that there's a lot of that going on in my husband's individual sessions. I am not going to force him to switch therapists for his individual therapy, though. He's comfortable with this guy and he likes him, and that's half the battle. And he's willing to still go see him, despite not wanting to and despite feeling like he doesn't need to have therapy these days. I encourage him to continue going, however, and he does, begrudgingly. At least that's how he's been lately over therapy.

My 1:1 session is on Friday with the female therapist. I am going to talk about all of this and hopefully, will receive some sound advice on how to proceed.

It's fine if he doesn't want to switch his individual therapist but for couples counselling, it needs to work for both of you.

Granted, the female T is an unknown quantity. I am hopeful that, at the very least, she can't be as bad as the male one with whom you wasted a year of his incompetence. That is a long time to feel unheard, invalidated and stuck.

Remember, you are paying him. He works for you. IF you are not happy with the services provided and are basically not getting what you are paying for, it is wise to move on.

I think it's a good move, yeah, your individual therapist should absolutely be able to hear you. I'm glad you feel good with the new therapist. The one thing I'm thinking of that could help is, could you and your husband find mutual agreement on who would be picked as the couples therapist? Since he/she will be working with both of you. This could make it easier to get it through to him that you need a change here.

My husband leaves it up to me to choose our couples therapist. Last night I was very honest with him about why I want to switch. He said "whatever you want, honey". He is far less practiced at therapy than I am, and I need a therapist who has dealt with abuse, something my husband wouldn't ask about. So it makes more sense for me to choose - but, yes, of course, the therapist needs to work for both of us.

And yeah, I am pissed that I wasted a year on the other therapist AND paid for it.

That's amazing Have Hope. Good for you for taking the steps to get help + communicating with hubby about your needs.

I hope this T works out for you both. She seems to fit the bill on paper and again, good stuff advocating for yourself!

@rive, thank you!

I hope she works out too - now I just need to figure out what to say to the current therapist about changing therapists, for both my individual therapy and our couples therapy. I know I shouldn't care since I pay for this out of my own pocket, but I do care about how it comes across.

I think I should just keep it general and tell him this isn't quite the right fit for me/us, but that he will keep going individually to see him? What I really want to do is be honest and tell him how I truly feel - that I feel unsupported in my perspective and stance on things with my husband, who has been abusive towards me and who exhibited these traits only just a couple weeks ago again.

I believe it is always best to speak the truth even if it is not easy or comfortable to do so. But it is your decision, of course.

I think he ought to hear the truth, your truth. Why? First, because it *is* how you truly feel and this voice needs to be heard or at least expressed. Secondly, it might help him realise how he is with clients and how potentially damaging it is to be biased or dismissive of one partner.

At the end of the day, he was not good enough for you and he let you down majorly. You don't need to go 'all guns blazing' but I think (again, your decision) he needs to hear how this 'relationship' wasn't working for you.

Thanks, Rive, and I agree with your perspective. I DO need to be heard, especially since my own voice has been drowned out in our sessions. I feel dismissed. Whenever I've told him I feel invalidated, he tells me he is only trying to get me to see beyond a more narrow vision of things. Sure, but it still invalidates my perception of an event between my husband and I, whereby I felt disrespected by him. AND, when I've told my therapist that my husband was disrespectful, the therapist has discouraged me from using that word to describe an interaction. Once again, that invalidates my experience of an interaction between us.

Yes, I think he WILL hear the truth, and without guns blazing. lol.

Wow, he sounds worse the more you write about him. Not only is he invalidating your feelings and perspective but he is even censoring you. You can't use certain words?! Goodness, he seems to deserve a guns blazing approach, after all!

Right?!?!? I was shocked when he told me that about using the word “disrespectful”. The more I write and talk about it, the worse it seems!

There's a difference between "I feel disrespected when my husband ignores my point of view" and "my husband is disrespectful because he ignores me". One is a statement of fact and the other is a statement of judgement.
It wasn't until my therapist asked me how I would punish someone for the judgement I was making that I realized there was a difference.

I think changing therapists is a good idea. A good therapist will teach you new skills to manage emotions and behaviors. I hope it works out well for you.

Are you implying I need to manage my emotions and behaviors? Or are you saying this more in terms of my husband?

I may have read you incorrectly but I’m almost insulted by this post. I could be reading you wrong. I’ve dealt with an abusive husband - my behaviors are not problematic .. his have been, and he’s been blatantly disrespectful towards me in the past and just recently. I don’t really care for what you’re implying. It sounds like victim blaming. Did you even read my original post detailing his disrespect towards me?

I apologize for offending you. That wasn't my intention at all. As a victim of abuse myself, I have been through many therapy sessions. I wasn't implying anything other than there is hope when a good therapist is part of the equation. I think since you aren't getting what you need with your current therapist, a new therapist is an excellent idea. I was sharing a mindset approach that helped me move forward in my own healing from abuse.
As an abuse survivor, I understand the complex emotions of the victim and how it affected my behavior. I've worked very hard to heal from the damage. If I continued to do everything the same way I always did, I would likely still be stuck in a cycle of abuse. I had to change my behaviors so I could get out of the abuse cycle and live a healthier life. I truly only wish you and your husband a happy healthy relationship.

Thank you for saying this. Are you still with the abuser, or did you leave?

My husband had changed all for the better, just up until recently. And now, he's back to being a loving husband. I still have doubts about the relationship at this point, and I feel confused. I am not ready or wanting to leave him right now, but I don't know if he is going to regress again. I assume he will. I am hoping that a better therapist can help me in my plight and confusion.

I met with the new female therapist this morning, and I don't know how I feel about how the session went or about how she responded to me. I did not get a full sense of compassion coming from her, and at one point towards the end she said she can't work with me if I'm unwilling to stand up to my husband. I felt judged and misunderstood, I do believe. She didn't get the full picture of how I HAVE stood up to him, ALL this time, and how NOW, I am tired of the fight to stand up, at this point in my life. I am tired and exhausted from all the battles I've been through, and she did not pick up on this fact. Perhaps I did not explain it well enough either. But she assumed (I think) incorrectly that I am unwilling to stand up to him. She incorrectly concluded as well that I am willing to remain in an abusive marriage/relationship. She did not pick up on or I didn't explain it accurately enough that there are many complexities within this relationship, my feelings about my husband and marriage, and the logistics of leaving. I felt like she wanted me to leave him today, and I had to tell her I am not in a position to leave him right now, nor do I want to. I guess I felt largely misunderstood and misinterpreted, and I don't know if she will be the right fit for me. We have another appointment scheduled in two weeks, but I don't know how I feel about her.

I got a sense of black and white thinking on her part, and that's not what I need i in my case. Nothing is so black and white EXCEPT that I will not put up with abuse again or with continued abuse. She automatically assumed as well that my husband is still abusive, given our one recent fight. Perhaps it's not how I am looking at it. I have been viewing this as an isolated incident.

But I am now swirling from the appt and cannot concentrate at work as a result. Maybe she's not the best fit, if this is how I feel after our session?

It took me 12 years to realize I was being abused. It took 5 more years of "working on things" for me to realize that I deserved to be happier and 4 more years to prepare myself to leave. It turns out all the positive changes I saw were a cover. His true self emerged from time to time but I wrote it off as a bad day. Until it wasn't just a bad day argument.

Here I am 10 years after all that and I'm always going to be in emotional healing mode because there isn't a magic wand to undo the damage.

Wow. That's quite a journey through abuse that you endured and tolerated. Thank you for sharing this personal information.

Given what you just wrote, it makes me wonder if the positive changes I've seen in my husband are just a cover. It makes me wonder if that bad day we had recently will become more of a regular, reoccurring pattern. It makes me wonder if I am fooling myself into believing he's made positive changes.

The therapist this morning exhibited very black and white thinking about my relationship and she jumped to all sorts of conclusions without knowing the full picture or all the details. It makes me wonder if I can ever find a good therapist for myself.

I think it is very normal for a new therapist to see only black and white. The shades of gray that are your full picture won't become clear to her until she knows you better. One session may not be enough.

Was it just you in a session or both?

I think if she is going to be your couple therapist, she’ll see more of what’s going on. She only heard what you shared. It kind of depends what you shared? I am sure many of us on here think you had to end this marriage ling time ago, before it even started. Heck I thought you needed to walk the other way after the first date, just by what you described. But we haven’t met your husband or didn’t see two of you interact or didn’t hear his story. Maybe if she sees more of you together, she’ll not be as adamant that it’s that bad. She just doesn’t know enough details to make any other conclusions

I am sure your husband’s behavior isn’t an isolated incident and if your t has any experience, she’d know that abusers don’t miraculously change in one year time. He had 50 years of these behaviors. Sure maybe people change. But it’s too fast and no way people make this kind if 180 change in one year. It’s more of a gradual progress.

Usually therapists don’t take on couple in actively abusive relationships because couples therapy is not even recommended in abuse situations. Having said that maybe you don’t see it as current abuse. But your t does.

For example if your husband is fed up with something he could find other non-abusive way to address it. He could say I really need XYZ or I’d like you stop XYZ because it effects me or some other wordings. Instead he tells you “no one else will put up with you”. I personally would consider it big time abuse. I am sure your t considers it abusive and deliberately hurtful and humiliating and no way she’s going to sweep under the rug.

I’d not write her off. Your previous t thought your husband hung the moon but this one might see something else. I’d have a couple session and see what’s her take after it.

I am not sure if that's true? That therapists won't take on a couple if there is active abuse? That does not sound correct to me.

Yes, I decided I will give this a wait and see approach with the new therapist. I will give it one more session to determine whether she's a good fit, once I've given a more complete picture. It was just myself in today's session.

What I really did not like is how she seemed very judgmental and quick to assume I hadn't ever stood up for myself. Doesn't she understand the nature of abusive relationships? That it takes a lot of strength to constantly stand. up, and that it takes a lot of strength to leave. I am currently feeling. very weakened in general given all I've gone through over the last year, battling one battle after another after another. I've been putting out fire after fire, and I am just plain burnt out and exhausted.

If my husband were frequently abusive right now, I would have to muster up the strength to make an exit plan again. But I feel I don't have the strength right now to do so. I want to believe he's changed, and I want to believe we are OK. I may be going into a bit of denial, and that's very very possible. Logistically, I also cannot separate from him right now either. It's impossible. We just signed a new apartment lease, with both our names on it, and I have no money to move and neither does he, after moving back in. And, he's been OK since our recent fight, so there's that too.

People who know us together as a couple see the good side of things and the best side of him. He only saves certain behaviors for behind closed doors. I am sure that if his own friends had witnessed him during our fight, that they would raise an eyebrow and feel sorry for me, being on the receiving end.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, I can tell you that, along with many other abuse victims, and especially when you don't have a network of close friends nearby. So while many people on here may think I should have left him high and dry long ago, it hasn't been easy for me to accomplish, given all the complexities and my lack of a social network to support me.

When I left him last year, I reached out to several local women for support. Not one has followed up with me since we've been back together to ask me how it's going. Aside from finding other abused women on abuse forums, I have no local support network of female friends to stand by me. My closest girlfriends are out of state. I have only one single close girlfriend who is relatively local to me, but even then, I haven't seen her in a whole year.

Add on top of that the isolation that covid has presented, and I feel very isolated overall and all alone in my plight.

It is scary to leave.

womenslaw.org - there are many resources by state including state services, county services and non profits.

This post isn't meant to encourage you to leave or stay. My only intention is to give anyone n the US reading this a resource to find help and support in what I know is a scary time.

Oh I don’t think it’s easy to leave at all! I stayed in questionable relationships myself and found hundred excuses. When I said I think you should leave, I didn’t mean downplaying how hard it is or that you must pack your bags now. I was just trying to explain that if I and likely others on here think you might be better off, so does your therapist just based on what you described.

But things aren’t always that black and white. Therapist might see things differently when she knows more details or sees your husband too.

I might be wrong of course but I heard couples therapy isn’t recommended when abuse is present. Instead of that individual therapy is much more beneficial.

Maybe therapist would take on a couple but I’ve read and heard from various people that therapist will work with clients individually but not together. I think it could be too dangerous for the abused party to be there together and therapist might be liable.

I know people who tried couples therapy with abusive partner and they always had he$$ to pay at home after a session, so they might be downplaying it in a session to avoid a fight at home. Or therapists side with whoever charms them the most. Typically an abuser. So abuse victim is in a huge disadvantage.

I see - hmmm.... well, we'll see what happens I suppose. I am really thinking I don't want to pursue therapy with this therapist, IF she's going to continue with black and white thinking. I don't know if she will be helpful to me, and I feel discouraged.

A close girlfriend suggested I look into spiritually oriented therapists, which I thought was a good idea.

What also bothered me about this therapist?? She seemed unwilling to work with me if I am not strong enough to stand up up my husband right now. She doesn’t know or understand how truly weakened I feel at this point. Too many battles fought and I’ve lost my fighter spirit by quite a bit. She doesn’t realize this even after I told her I just went through hell and am in recovery still from a mental health issue. I did not like the tone she set. I have two weeks until the next appt to poke around and see about a different therapist.

He’s being very snarky with me this morning and it’s bothering me. Reminds me of old behaviors.