[SylverFlames]

I have a friend who knows that I do it, but not much else. He wants me to talk about it with him, thinking that if I can talk about it, maybe I won't do it, or that he can help me. But I can't talk about it with him. I'm horribly ashamed of the fact that I do it, and was mortified when he found out. So whenever he sees me get sad, or upset, he wants me to talk to him, which is a wonderful thing, except I can't. I feel like I have to justify it, to the extent I've been lying to him about what's wrong so that I don't look like I'm freaking out over nothing. And this just adds to the guilt, because I'm laying burdens on him that aren't true, and can't tell him what really is the problem. Now it's gotten to the point where I can't tell him the truth without exposing the lies, and letting him know how bad my SI behavior really is. I'm scared that if I do this, I'll lose him as a friend and then I really don't know what I'd do. He's basically my last lifeline at the moment. It's been driving me up that wall, and has both of us really upset at each other. How do I tell him about what's going on without losing him?

[Rapunzel]

Can you just tell him that he is really important to you, and it helps you a lot to have someone who cares about you like he does, but this is just a subject that is hard for you to talk about and you aren't ready?

If you are ready to talk about it, or you want to be ready, there are some good books about SI, as well as websites. I posted a couple of websites in the thread at the top of this forum - they have sections for explaining SI to loved ones. A good book about it is "Bodily Harm" by Karen Contrerio and Wendy Lader, but there are others too. This one is good for explaining it to loved ones. The books and websites can give you help and ideas about talking about it, or you can also ask him to read the information there and you can talk to him about it afterwards.

Have you considered going to therapy? I'm glad that you have a friend who is supportive, but being your only lifeline is a pretty big burden. I bet that he would be more comfortable if he knew you were getting professional help, and besides, you deserve to be able to recover from this, and getting professional treatment really is the best way to overcome it.

[SylverFlames]

I do want to talk to him about it, but I get to the point, and can't say it. The whole shame thing. So I divert the topic. I have considered, and really want to try therapy. However, I don't have the money for it (typical broke college student) and I can't talk to the psychologists on campus because the minute I mention cutting, they say if I tell them I am and plan to continue I get kicked out of school for the semester and have to go into the hospital and my family is informed. It's a law in florida, to protect the university. And I can't take the semester off, I'll lose my scholoships. So I was going to wait until I graduated (2 years away) to talk to someone, because things weren't that bad until this semester where everything exploded. Now I don't know what to do.

I really feel to talk to him about it, it would have to be a spill all confession, where he isn't allowed to say anything until I've said everything. But I don't feel it's fair to him. I agree, he shouldn't be my only lifeline. And he wasn't until the awfulness that was this semester started, I had other friends who were aware and helped. But now they are dealing with their own problems, and can't deal with mine. Is it wrong of me to place this on him, even if he's asking for it? He's had other friends who had SI behavior, so I think he knows what he's getting into.

Thanks for listening, sorry these are so long. I just didn't know where else to talk about it.

[dalila]

What about writing a letter to him with as much as you can handle having him know. You could chose to be present or not as he reads it. SI is a way to cope with things we can't cope with cos we don't have the skills. I believe being able to talk about the things that trigger us is one way to cope with them. Although this young man may not be the best person to confide your pain to, it may be that you can start with him.

I have only shared with a very few people other than my therapist that I SI. I find it hard to talk about too.

~D~

[Rapunzel]

That really stinks! SI by itself is not grounds for hospitalization, unless you are doing so much damage that your life is threatened. So the counseling center won't even work with you? Are you sure about that? What if you tell them not that you plan to continue, but that you will work with them towards an end goal of recovery? Would that make a difference? I think it is important to be able to be honest, but you should not be denied either counseling and/or an education on this basis!!! This is really making me mad! What if you went to therapy and were not specific about the cutting? Universities have counseling centers to help the students, not to deny you resources that could help you.

Ok, as to your friend, if he is willing to talk to you this and help you through it, then, yes, tell him as much as you feel that he can handle. Find as much information as you can first, so that you will be able to answer his questions. I'd really rather that he were not your only support - that sounds pretty risky to me - but that's better than no support, isn't it? Writing him a letter is a good idea too.

You don't need to worry about how long your posts are here. Talk as much as you need to!

[SylverFlames]

I'm positive that if there is any intent to harm yourself, they have to hospitalize you. *shrugs* I've tried talking around it, but it didn't work, cause I couldn't deal with the issue that was bothering me. It actually just made things worse, cause then I felt bad about lying to my therapist. So I just told her I was doing better and stopped going. (btw, love the soap box icon, it's really cute)

I like the letter idea, that seems easier. Maybe I can ease him into it with a letter, like let him know some of whats going on, and leaving it up to him if he wants to talk more. Cause I don't want to pressure him. Maybe he'll feel better if I can just admit that I'm doing it, and tell him how, so he doesn't have to worry that I'm seriously injuring myself.

Thanks for the help, and for listening. It's a great help to know that people out there know what I'm going through and want to help.

[Zenobia]

Do you think that you can't stop injuring yourself therefore you don't want to go to the campus psychologists because you will then have to stop? I ask this question because it is a very real problem for many of us. It took me a long time to mention my self injury to my T because I knew if I did I would have to deal with it and then I would have to stop.
Carrie <font color="purple">

[SylverFlames]

Yes, thatis why I don't want to go to the psychologist. I mean, my SI behavior comes and goes in spurts, I've gone as long as a year without even thinking about it. But when I'm dealing with other problems, which I would be in therapy, I feel like I need the cutting, because otherwise I just completely numb myself, and don't get anything accomplished. Cutting is what keeps me sane when my life goes crazy.

Update on my friend, he said he needs the weekend away from me because the whole situation is just frustrating him. And instead of making me sad, I actually feel relief that he's normal and not superman, and he's not going to just keep piling my problems on top of his. So I'm taking the weekend to strengthen other friendships and work on myself.

[Rapunzel]

You sound a lot like me. I go in spurts too, and have gone years sometimes without thinking about it, but I've been numb and not really living either - just going through the motions - and when it happens again it tends to be worse in proportion to how long I've been saving it up.

I have just started therapy again, this time by e-mail, with someone who was one of my professors last semester. It was a distance class, so I have never actually met her in person - just e-mail. I explained to her about what happens when I go without hurting myself for too long, and she didn't specifically respond to that. She did say that she was surprised and concerned about the variety and frequency of what I am doing, and asked me to agree that I won't do anything requiring medical attention, or suicide attempts, without talking to her about it first so we could try to work it out, but she said she knows she can't ask me to just stop. Nobody has ever even suggested hospitalizing me because of self-injury. I'm positive that it would do more harm than good, for a number of reasons. It would make me feel like challenging the system and looking even harder for ways to hurt myself without them being able to stop me. Also, lots of people learn about SI or learn new methods from others in the hospital. But the main thing is that I'm better off when I am busy and doing something that seems worthwhile. Being locked up in a hospital can be counterproductive. There are times when it is appropriate, such as someone who is not safe because they are suicidal or are hurting themself in a way that threatens their life, or if a break from the daily routine is needed to break old patterns and establish healthier ones (which needs to be voluntary or it won't work), but for someone who is coping (even using a non-preferred method) and is involved with healthy goals, such as actively pursuing an education, career, or family responsibilities, and is not a serious danger to self or others, hospitalization (particularly involuntary) makes no sense at all.

It does sound like your friend has good self-care skills and knows what he can handle and what he can't. That is a good thing. Good for him, and also for you for accepting that and for taking the time to work on yourself and other relationships! I'm rather impressed with your objectiveness and your ability to understand what is going on with yourself and other people.

[jetblackaura]

I know this may not be of much help to you, but i found this on and thought it very useful in explaining SI to my boyfriendI love you, I hate you, I miss you.

I’ve missed you these past 10 weeks, more than anyone could ever imagine. I’m sure you know how much I missed you though, because you know how much I’ve relied on you. I’ve put myself in your loving hands, in your fierce grip, for over a year. Breaking free has been the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.

When the time was right, it was…disgustingly perfect. It’s wrong to describe you in that way, because you’re far from perfect. You are disgusting, and destructive, and deceiving. You’ve ripped me apart – in more ways than one – and trod on me, and played with me until I was that messy putty in your hands. You manipulated me into thinking you were the best thing that had ever happened to me; and that you loved me and had my best intentions at heart. But you didn’t. You never did and you never will.

I still loved you though, and I think I always will. You’ll always hold a part of me, because when I pried myself from your grasp,, you didn’t let me go completely you kept hold of a part of me, and that part of me will always be with you, just like a part of you will always reside with me. You'll never fully leave me, will you? You’ll always be there, creeping in the back of my mind. Showing yourself through your presents left on my body. I hop I don’t always miss you, because missing you is making me empty inside.

Ou’re what I think about all the time. I sit with friends, talking, and I think about you. I sit and eat with my family, and I think about you. I think about inviting you back into my life again, and how it’d change everything. And even though I know it’s wrong, I want you back so bad. I can’t get you out of my mind. I shudder when i think of touching the cool metal against my skin. It’s so beautiful to me. The ugliness of it all is hidden beneath this layer of love and want and need.

Part of me knows that giving you up was for the best. Part of me realises that you’ve ruined my life. Part of me realises that things won’t ever be the same oce you’ve been here. You’ve spun through my life, leaving a path of ruins behind you. You encaptured me in your spell, and clasped your hands around my life and squeezed so hard I thought I’d die. You wreaked havoc, and made me hate more than I ever hated before. But I’ve turned the tables on you, and it’s you I hate now.

I hate your sick reminders on my arm. I hate the way you love making people miserable. I hate the way you are fake and make people believe you are helping hem. I hate the way you control lives.

And worst of all, I hate the way I love you.
...he had a fairly ok understanding of it but i just thought it was a really good description, so you could maybe show this to your friend...i don't know.

[SylverFlames]

Rapunzel,
I completely agree that hospitalization would be awful for me right now. It would ruin a lot of things for me, with school and friends and family, and probably just make most of my problems worse. So that's why I'm actively avoiding the counseling center at the moment. I do want to go through therapy though, I've got a lot that I need to work through. I just need to do it when I can afford it, and get someone who will really listen to me. I've had awful therapy experiences in the past that I'm still recovering from, and that I'll probably need therapy to get over . I'm coping with my problems, it's just not normal coping.

How does the e-mail therapy work? I've never heard of that before. Is it helping?

And yes, my friend is amzing when it comes to stuff like that. I know that a lot of people rely on him, and thats why I feel so bad when I dump on him, cause I'm usually the one he goes to when something goes wrong with him. That's how most of my relationships have worked out, and it's strange for me to go to someone else. But I guess that's how friendships are supposed to work, so I'll work on that.

[SylverFlames]

jetblackaura,

I'm actually thinking of just letting him read through this thread, and hopefully that will help him realize what I'm going through. Some of that letter deffinately applies to how I feel about him, so I'll have to highlight those for him. How did your boyfriend respond to it? Did it help things?

[jetblackaura]

Well I think he thought that it was about him to begin with and that i was breaking up with him, but i think he kinda found it useful, to help him understand what the "relationship" is with SI(if that makes sense)...but my problem is that i don't talk about it with him...i can talk about it over msn, in email, or txt, but i can't physically talk about it with him...the words don't come out...and i wish i could.

[Rapunzel]

Same here. I'm coping. I don't do serious damage to myself. You don't sound out of control either.

E-mail therapy is something that I have been interested in for a long time. In fact, it was part of how I communicated with my previous T. He gave me his e-mail address after I had been out of therapy for over a year and had just had a really bad relapse, and I wished that I had access to someone I could talk to about this stuff. I was never good at talking when I went to therapy, so I never really got anywhere. When I started writing to him, I was able to get things out on the table that I never could have otherwise. But he was no good at answering e-mail, so I wrote to him, and made an appointment, and went to therapy to basically get his responses. At least that was the way it worked some of the time. Eventually he decided that I was doing well enough, and he didn't think that e-mail therapy was appropriate, and there were other things involved too so he dropped me. My new T is someone I have just had a feeling I could trust and would be able to talk to even about the things I never could bring up with my old T. But she is too far away - was 2 hours away before I moved, and now it's at least 4 hours. I was getting a lot out of her replies to my homework from the class I took with her, and I just couldn't stop writing to her, so I talked her into trying e-therapy. She has never done it before either! But she is really good at identifying the things that are important, and I just feel like she has what it takes to help me with the stuff nobody has managed to before. We've only been officially doing this for a couple of weeks though, so I guess it's really to early to know if it is going to help. The way it works, she had me start by writing my autobiography and sending it to her (I've sent in as much as I have gotten done each week, and I'm still not done) and she pulls out themes and things that need to be addressed - only a couple of things at a time, and we write back and forth and discuss it. It's still trial and error, and I wish I could go sit down with her and talk to her, and she says that we're missing a lot by not having all the nonverbal stuff too, but I do think it is going to work.

If you are interested in e-therapy, there are links for it from this site, or since I have researched it quite a bit I can e-mail you with what I've found. Privacy is an advantage, and it also tends to cost less than face-to-face therapy. There is one site that has unlimited access for about $30 a month.

So, you're usually the one other people go to with their problems, and you don't usually talk to anyone about yours? That is an important pattern to have noticed. It's hard to let people help with your problems, especially when you are used to being the helper. But it's too much to carry everybody else's burdens and have nowhere to go with your own. That's a good thing to work on.

[SylverFlames]

jetblackaura,

Ok, now that you've said the letter is about your relationship with SI, I understand it a lot more, and yeah, it totally applies I was kinda clueless.

And I understand about the not being able to talk about it in person, I can't do that either. Whenever I freak out about something, I don't talk about it unless it's over AIM or in a letter. Which is something that bothers my friend, and he is trying to get me to break. It's working, but slowly, and totally have set backs.

[SylverFlames]

Rapunzel,

The e-mail therapy actually sounds like it would work well for me. I tend to do better if I don't have to see the person I'm talking to. And if it's cheaper, then I might be able to actually do it sooner. (Again with the broke college student) 30 dollers a month is less than my cell phone bill. And therapy at this point is probably more important. So yay! I'm happy that you told me about it.

Yeah, I've always been the one people come to with their problems, it's odd to be the one in the relationship with the problems. I hate it though when one person is always the supporter and the other the one who always freaks out. Unequal relationships like that never work. That's why I'm having such a hard time with him, cause he has great coping skills, and doesn't need to freak out that often, and I feel like I'm always the one leaning on him.

For some good news, I haven't cut in almost a week now, distracted by two tests and a quiz (massive studying!), and then when I normally would have after the tests were over, and the worrying about grades set in, I found the forums, and now I don't want to have to say that I have. So maybe these forums will help me tone down the cutting.

[Rapunzel]

http://psychcentral.com/resources/Psychotherapy/Online/ Here's a good place to start looking for e-therapy. I think I saw an ad at the bottom of the page for helphorizons.com also - I've checked them out and considered giving them a try but didn't get that far. I think there are advantages (as well as disadvantages) in this type of therapy, but it's worth a try. I know that I find it easier to get to the bottom of things this way.

I've also found myself in lots of one-sided relationships (some one way and some the other) and have longed for some balance. I'm finally finding some of that. It's part of what this site is all about, and I hope that it helps you as much as it has helped me.

Congratulations on making it for a week!

[jetblackaura]

Sorry, i realise that it isn't all that clear that it's about cutting. I should've mentioned that at first.

[SylverFlames]

I'm really going to give it a try, because I don't know what else to do.

So I didn't make it throught the week without cutting. I had three friends all confront me last night about how I'm too cought up in myself and suck at being a friend. It was really a bad moment for me, and coping skills all went away. It wasn't nice. So much for the strengthening other friendships part of this weekend. The good news is the cutting wasn't that bad, I've done a lot worse, so maybe I'm relying less on it. *shrugs* trying to see something happy in this.

[Zenobia]

it is interesting to observe what triggers you into cutting. You seem able to cope well with the high stress involved with studying but seem to have a weak ability to cope with the human assessment of that study. Also you seem not to cope well when given a ration of...well you know...from "friends". So it seems inter-personal stress is your pitfall when it comes to SI. Knowing what you are weakest in coping with can help you take steps in protecting yourself from self injury. Easier said then done but it is a starting point.

I am glad that Rapunzel suggested e-therapay. That sounds like a great option for many people who just can't do therapy other wise. I hope you will investigate it and let us know how it works so we can pass the word on to other people.
Take care,
Carrie <font color="brown">

[SylverFlames]

I know I'm weak in coping with people problems. It's where the majority of my problems come from, so yeah, that was the reason I started cutting.

The problem with my friends isn't getting any better, but part of the problem is the hurricane, and we are under lock down in the dorms, so we can't see each other. But I also think this is a good thing, cause it's a really convient reason for not talking to them until I've calmed down some.

I did end up writing a letter to the one friend, Jarrod, and showing him this thread. He took it really well, and even though he was one of the people who went off on me last night, we are talking and working things out. It's nice to have someone I can depend on. He want's to take my knives away so I can't cut anymore. I don't know if this would work, or if it would just cause me to find other ways of hurting myself. Has anyone else tried this?

[Zenobia]

My husband took all the box knives after I was hospitalized. I found it amusing. I guess it is a comforting for those who love us when they take away an object that they equate with our injury. It is a way of fooling themselves into believing that it won't happen again. And it is a way for them to feel like they have helped us in a situation where they have no control. It is totally up to us to quit because there are a million and one ways to hurt ourselves. Of course I am a person who uses many different methods to begin with. If all you ever use is your knives it just might help you. I will look forward to seeing what everyone else feels on this subject.
Carrie <font color="purple">

[wisewoman]

I used scalples for the most part and gave them up willingly when I made my decision. It has helped because the times i have been close they are not readily available and they were my method of choice. This means that it delayed the thought and action time and I was able to not do anything to hurt myself. Nothing else was ever as satisfying to me. So, my job to stay safe is to stay away from the places where I can get scalples easily. Hope this makes sense.

[SweetCrusader]

A BIG HUGE part of staying safe for me, in the very beginning, was that I (intuitively- I didn't know any other siers back then) did not allow myself to buy instruments that were for the sole purpose of cutting. I knew if I did that, then I would be "officially" committing myself to this. I don't know if that makes any sense. I only used the razors I had bought for shaving my legs (you know, the ones that come in multi-packs?)

Later on, I bought razor blades that were designated for cutting only. I realized this was too big of a temptation, so when I was feeling healthier, I actually asked my roommate to throw them away. (I couldn't bring myself to do it, but I did want to get better at the same time. I was very torn).

For me, it makes the temptation a LOT worse if I have a designated instrument. Sometimes I will still si if I don't have one, because sometimes I just get creative But generally, it's a LOT less likely to happen if I don't have anything in particular "assigned" just for that.

Angela

[Zenobia]

Angela and Wisewoman, your comments made me wonder if Silver handed over her knives to her friend, maybe it would be like a symbolic commitment to try to stop. Regardless of future mishap, she would have taken that first step that indicates to her subconcious that she indeed wants to stop this behavior. What do you think?
Carrie <font color="purple">