[Typo]

I don't understadn...I was fine a few minutes ago..my hands they are shaking so bad..all it took was a minute and everything fell apart..I always become so weak when I am alone.

Why do I hate myself so much?? Why do I change on a drop of a dime?
I woke up fine..and then BOOM...I wasn't fine..for no reason at all.
I feel so lost..so empty..I am hollow and nobody cares..everything is fine in my life...why do I feel this way. I can hardly type my hands they are shaking so much.

I sit here twirling a paper clip back and forth in my hands..I want to so bad..I stay away from the knives..I know I can't control myself with the knives..

I started drinking..I don't know why..I've been trapped in this vicious circle since I was 13...I shouldn't..I work later..but I am..even made sure I didn't eat so it would make me sick. I want to cry but I have no tears..am I even real?

Inside I am crying..screaming..I don't understand..I don't understand why I hate me..I don't understand why I get so %#@&#! unstable..I don't understand why my feelings change on a second's notice...I'm crying on the inside..why can't the outside match the inside..

I feel so guilty..I cry and whine..I hurt myself..others have it worse..have gone through worse..yet here I am..being a horrible selfish person..if my parents knew..if my parents could see the monster I am when they leave..I'm a bad person..God I hope my little sister never finds out what a horrible person her big sister is..that when I don't have anyone home..when she isn't here for me to take care of I turn into a monster..
Alone..Alone...Alone...What happens..What happens to make me this way..I don't understand..I think I am crying..I can't feel it though..so numb..so %#@&#! numb.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Being alone can be such a trigger. It can be very scary. Maybe it feels like there is no one to support you even though it may be temporary. At the time do you feel abandoned?

Emotional pain is emotional pain and one can't compare one's to another. If it is overwhelming to you then that is what it is. Is there someone you can talk to about what you are feeling? You are not a horrible person but someone who is going through some hard times and strong emotions. Please try and be kind to yourself and give yourself some compassion that you would others. I hope you find someone to help talk things through.

BB

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Silversparrow)))))))))))

Okay, first. Breathe. Put down the paper clip. Try to put it away, or throw it out.

Okay, being depressed (which can lead to SI) is *not* your fault. It can happen to anyone, whether they have what they call a "good life" or not. It doesn't necessarily matter.

You are not horrible or selfish. You are hurting, and although it really hurts - it does not mean you're a bad person, at all. You are not a monster. Not at all. I've seen your posts here, and I can safely say that you're a person with your own things to deal with - but that you're also really supportive of others. You have a big heart. That's the truth, you are not a monster.

You are not alone either, I'm here. I'm here as long as you need me. Please be safe.

If you can't go to work tonight, that's okay. Everyone needs a break from stress for a bit, just call them and tell them that you're sick. Do you have anyone who you can talk to by phone or in person who knows about the SI? What about calling a hotline so you can calm down?

Just close your eyes. Remember to breathe. Imagine happy and *positive* things. Keep breathing. You can do that.

((((( Silver )))))
Keep venting on here. I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. Don't hate yourself because you matter, you are a good person, you have just been through a lot and you're having a very tough time- not your fault. SI won't help.

You are real and you are important. You are not a monster. I know it is very hard to stay strong but you are worth it. Lots of people, myself included, are all here for you.

[Typo]

I'm sorry..I am so sorry..I didn't really cut..just scratched myself up..
Managed to make myself sick though..managed to get dizzy..the room spins..
If I can't bring myself to SI I drink instead..anything as long as I can't feel..as long as that horrible hollow feeling disappears..that feeling that eats away at me..deystroys me...I don't deserve so many people that care..

((( Silver )))
No need to apologize.
You deserve to have people who care because you do matter. You are a good person. I am sorry this is happening to you.
Drinking won't help- drinking creates more problems in the long-run, it won't make coping easier. Do you have anyone IRL who could come over and keep you company?

[Typo]

No..nobody in IRL can see me like this..nobody IRL should see me like this..they will tell..I can't stand for me to hurt them...espically since they don't understand or grasp the concept..plus the only one I could call..her father was an alcohlolic..he is better now..but I don't want her to know that I have a drinking problem too..it would hurt her to much.

Do you have a T? Maybe a T could help. It takes a while to feel at ease with one, but it could be someone you could trust who would not tell anyone.
Maybe she would want to help you because she's seen how a drinking problem can be harmful, and I am sure she doesn't want you to get hurt.

[Typo]

I've tried to find a T..actually have found one I would like to see..I'm just to chicken to call..I did once but I missed her and she called me back left me a voicemail..I never called back though..I'm to scared to admit I am all messed up..I'm scared that by telling a thearpist all the bad thoughts, all the bad feelings, all the bad things I do I will hurt my family and friends..I can't hurt them..I can't stand to see that look in my parents eyes again..no tears..no no no no..

Try to call if you can. Ts exist to help people. You are not 'messed up'- you are having a tough time and it is hard to cope, by no means are you 'messed up'. Admitting you are having trouble is a very hard thing to do, but that is a good step to getting better.
It's okay to cry, and I'm sure your parents love you and want what is best for you... talking to a T is not weak, it is helpful, and you are a good person- you deserve to feel better.

[Typo]

Holding on..little by little I'm trying to gather myself together..I made a really strong pot of coffee..ate a litte something..threw the paperclip away..hid all the knives in the kitchen..put them in a drawer so I can't see them..the alcohol is still there though..can't throw it away..it's my parents..if I did they would ask questions..so I won't go in the kitchen..or at least try not to go in the kitchen. Holding onto my stuffed cheetah..my little dog is curled up on my feet..she always knows when I turn into a monster..she always knows when I need something to ground me..

Still feel dizzy..my hands are still shaking..I hate that I have to go to work today and pretend I'm perfect..that I have to pretend I'm so happy..I hate lying..I hate this mask I wear..

I want to see a T..in a way..but I don't want to see one when I have no car of my own..then my mom would have to take me..I would be to scared to talk..to scared she could hear and be hurt..to scared she would hear that I kept secrets from her..that I hid the mail like Dad told me to so mom wouldnt' know that bad things where happining..to scared that she would hear all the money my dad has borrowed from me just so we could eat or have heat in the winter..to scared to hear that sometimes I'm scared of her because she gets really vilonet when she is angry..to scared..

I don't want the T to make me relive that horrible day..I don't want to rember it..I don't want to rember the carwreck...I went to one a month after it happened..I wanted to punch him in the face..how dare he ask me questions..I don't want to rember..I don't want to admit I have bad feelings..

I want to go..but I don't..because I am weak...I'm not strong enought to live up to my emotions..I don't want to talk about things that make me sick or make me breakdown..I have to always be strong..I can't let myself fall down in the presence of others..I'm scared that if I saw a T they would lock me away..they would see how much a danger I am to myself..

I just have to keep fighting myself..reminding myself that I can't cry..that my emotions are bad..because they make me do bad things..because if I get to emotional one day it could be the end of me.

((( Silver ))) it's very good that you did that, those are great steps to feeling better. I know it is hard to put on a mask. Sorry you are still shaking.

Could you take public transit? I really think I T would help a lot. Do you have anonymous help lines where you live? There is a great one up here and they also help many people, and it is free and anonymous.

A good T won't push for too many questions, they will let you talk if/when you are ready to talk. there is no rush in talking about scary things. You are NOT weak- you are a strong person. I am sure they would not lock you away.

You CAN cry.

[Typo]

I wish there was public transit..but I live in a small southren town public transit is not even reasonbile because everything is so far out..either you own a vechiel or you know someone that owns a vechile or your just out of luck. Hopefully if I work overtime for the next month or so I can gather enough money to make a down payment on a car.

I'm actually looking up hotlines right now..sometimes I don't feel safe with myself..espically at night when I am alone. Alone seems to be a big problem for me.

I haven't cryed in so long..last time I really cried..like really cried I basicly was have a huge meltdown that was triggerd be my parents guilt tripping me into going and seeing my Dad's mom in the hospital...hosptials are really big triggers for me. After that I got sucidal..so I assocaite crying with my sucidal feelings..which makes it hard to cry without getting in a really dangerous spot.

Do you have any close friends with cars who could drive you?

That's good, hotlines can help a lot.

Try to associate crying with just a release of emotions... it is a natural thing to do, everyone cries.

[Typo]

I honestly don't feel like I could ask my friends to do that..I don't think I could tell them..I don't know why..I just feel like I can't envolve them in stuff like this..they just...I feel I have to keep it sepreatw from them..like it's a secret..I don't want them to see this part of me..

Thank you Griffe for all the support...thank you so much.

I hope something works out.


No problem- I kind of suck with advice but glad I can help. Always here for you.

[Kiya]

silver...i tried to respond earlier, but i lost all energy an gave up. so i try again.
i wish for you that you could feel better. you're graduated now, right? and isolated but for work. we gotta push past the isloation. it is like a poison. you still live at home? maybe more feasible to work up to save and move to the city (where there is transportation and therapists and friends - and no more isolation and ppl that hurt you?) than a car. no one can make the choices but you ( too bad, eh? sometimes it would just be easier if they were all made already) and i know you know that. Keep pushing the boundry - fight the isloation. it is the biggest prison.
many hugs to you
oh - if you really were a monster, your dog would cower in a corner, rather than seek you out =) animals tell the truth. you're no monster. just in a lot of pain.
(((((((((((((silver))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Silver ))))))))))))))

[x_BabyG_x]

(((((((((((silversparrow))))))))))))

Aww sweetie, I wish I knew thew answer to your problems and worries, but I am also in the same situation.

It takes a mere split second from me to be fine, then an absolute wreck, for no aparent reason at all. One thing I do know is that drinking and SI are not going to solve anything - they are only going to make things worse. It will get better, keep pushing yourself, and just take it one day at a time

feel free to PM me if you need to talk

take care, babyg xXx

[purplebutterfly]

((((((Silver)))))))))
I am here if you need to talk, sorry that I was not around at the time that you needed someone to talk to. I hope you are doing somewhat okay right now. Please know that you CAN cry, believe me I know sometimes you just can't, but crying helps at times. I am here if you want to PM me, again I am sorry I wasn't around this weekend when you were feeling so bad.
Let me know how you are doing.

(((((((((Silver))))))))

[MINIME]

Sweet heart, Im so sorry. Im so so so sorry u have these feelings. You matter. What u are feeling matters. Im holding your hand now. I wont let go. I cant be there IRL but I hope u can not feel so alone because I am there.