[thinker22]

I've been incredibly depressed again today. Then I got to reading my journal and found that except for 4-5 days scattered about, I've been pretty damned depressed for the past month. I mean, I knew it, but I didn't know how extreme it was until I read my journal entries.

I hate to cry, but I did get tears in my eyes several times today for no apparent reason, just emotionally feeling horrible. I tried to distract myself all day with various things. I cooked dinner. I played my video game. I watched recorded programs. I responded to a few threads. But still, I feel hopelessly depressed and like my life has no meaning. I'm ruining the planet just by existing. I don't want to hurt an insect or a plant or a sea animal just because I have to eat and drink and I produce waste and garbage.

If there were a pill, a shot, anything to take this horrible leaden feeling away, I would take it. But there isn't. There's something wrong with me and I'm incurable and no one wants to help me. All they say is "wait, wait, wait." But things don't get better. They just hide and lurk and wait to **** me over again. Something early in my childhood destroyed me. I would like to go back in time and destroy it, but I can't. They should let people like us just go away. Quietly disappear into the jungles or forests or deserts. I want to get on a plane and never speak to another person I know again. Everything reminds me of the hurt. No distance is far enough. I don't know what a breakdown is like, but I feel like giving up. I've held everything together for so long and no one listens. Everyone else's problems are more important than mine. And so I'll go away and they'll be better off. My depression sucks life out of other people, not just me. There are no more pills. I'm hopeless.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything. I'm just expressing how I feel. I'll sleep on things as usual. Just don't know how much longer I can take feeling so bad.

[Amazonmom]

Oh, thinker.

I have been where you are right now. More than once.

I care.

If it gets too bad, please please please call someone and go somewhere you can be safe.

[amaviena]

There IS hope. You need a new pdoc really bad. I would beat him/her up if I could. You're a lovely person and I adore you.

[paddym22]

Oh thinker

I am so sorry to read that you are suffering so badly.

I look at all the wonderful posts you write to support people each day here.

You are one in a million, please realise this.

My words of wisdom are few and far between, all I have is my experience and being diagnosed and living with Bi Polar now for 17 years I can tell you it does get better. Please have faith in this message.

Keep the faith and keep posting, you are a very valued member of PC and do a great job here.

Paddy

[leahcim]

Hi Thinker! I'm new to this site but have been at others. I have the same issues.

Have you seen or can you see a pdoc., T or M.D? Ant-anxiety meds work for me for my bi-polar issues. The depression is tougher. But I'm working on it. I also think my issues stem from childhood and that's mostly what I try to work on in therapy.

I'm sure you'll make it through the cycle and start to feel better again soon.

I also think about how we destroy the environment. I do the best I can regarding green products, etc...and try to help out a few orgs. like Greenpeace and The Sierra Club. Even if most of us disappeared, the rest would ruin everything, so just do the best you can.

You have a friend in me any time you want to send a pm.

Take care...peace!

Mike

[thinker22]

Hi guys. Thanks for all your replies. I love this site too and each and every one of you. I'm still incredibly depressed and on the verge of tears at every moment or else erupting in anger because I'm so frustrated that there's no p-doc or p-nurse I can see right now. I've made tons of phone calls for weeks. Everyone is either booked until Sept or not on my insurance and/or too expensive. I made another call this morning to a p-nurse, but who knows if she's even in town. Like I emailed my therapist. I can't wait any longer. I can only survive like this for 2-3 days tops. I'm thinking about you know what all the time. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone. If only they could add something into my meds regime (which is really quite paltry compared to most people with bipolar) I might be able to survive until the Lamictal started working.

It's really hard to speak right now, breathe, do anything. I feel very trapped and hopeless.

My mate is around most of the time. I won't do anything to harm myself, but I feel like I'm slipping away and my mind won't hold together much longer. I will go to a hospital if I can't take it any more, but I really don't like hospitals. They cause panic attacks for me.

Hugs everyone. I'll let you know if I get an appt. Sorry I can't help anyone else right now. It's not your fault and nothing personal. I'll just probably be out of commission for a while. If you PM me, I get a notice on my email and will check it once a day.

[amaviena]

thinker,
I know you dont like the hospital, but it might be time. don't let it get too far. You're safe. You're loved. It will be immediate care.

[thinker22]

I knows it ama. I will go if I need to. My brain is toast right now from being out in the heat, but it was worth it. I got my gen eds finally squared away at the university, talked to a very nice person who looked over the course materials (my papers) I brought and concluded, yes in fact I was up to par with junior status. So now I only have to take the rest of the classes for my major and I'll be done in 2012 at 6-8 units per quarter (barring breakdown of course). I don't have to do the ****ing freshman seminar either. Nice use of alliteration, yes? My humor, however morbid, never fails even when I'm super depressed. Anyway, I did get an appt, albeit at the student center. It's with a doc who can override the p-nurse's med concoction for me. Hopefully she will listen. I swear, the last 3 times I've been there for various things they said, "Sorry we can't help you. Come back if you're feeling worse." I come back and they do the same bit all over again and they charge my student account. And I'm the crazy one? ***holes. I specifically called this last time and said, "If you don't have the meds I need, I don't want to come in." They indicated that they did. I got there, guess what, they don't have anything for me. I should charge them for my time and energy.

I guess *****ing is better than thinking about death nonstop. Anywayz, things are in the chute. Have work tomorrow, therapy Thurs and the meds appt on Fri. If she doesn't change anything I might lose my mind at their ineptitude, but otherwise, I think I'll survive until then.

Hugs and thanks for your support. I think I want to fill the bathtub with ice water and take a soak. It's 104 right now and supposed to be 108-110 tomorrow...and 95 is normal for this area for this time of year. Thank you global warming...you're the gift that keeps on giving.

[Lauru]

Thinker...

It will get better. You know I have been depressed for over a month, and for some reason I woke up today and feel really good. The meds must be working. Hang in there. Please. Go to the hospital if you need to. It sucks I know, but it's better than losing you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. PM me if you want to chat.

[BNLsMOM]

You have supported me through my tough times. Let me do the same for you. I was given the wait wait wait message too, but I think the clouds are lifting. It's been months of pain with just a few good days scattered in. I had three good days this week and although today wasn't as good, it doesn't diminish that I had three good ones. You'll get there. Please make sure you are safe.

[thinker22]

The high actually turned out to be 108 today. It's 9:40pm and it's 97 still.

I'm going to make it through another day. I have to say I'm relying a bit more on alcohol than I'd like to, but without any change to the meds, it's the only thing I can do to laugh at how horrible I feel. Whatever works, right? Stupid crap on TV makes sense when you're buzzed. Looking forward to sleeping as usual. Yay! Made it.

[dreamsofflight]

You mentioned answering posts to help ppl and I'm one of them and you made me feel better! God its hard when you don't have a good pdoc. I've had so many mediocre/bad ones. I finally found one I'm happy with. I def. know how you feel been there many times sadly.

I hear that you understand that you might have to go to the hospital. I committed myself a few years ago and no, not a good experience BUT I didn't kill myself. I hate the idea of having to do it again, too, but, I will.

Is there an Emotions Anonymous group in your area. I wish I had one, but I read a lot of their lit. and we do have Al Anon here and it helps me (when I don't flake on attending meetings, etc...) You don't have to be living/dealing w/an active alcoholic to attend.

Thinking of you, J

[thinker22]

Hi again. Thanks dreams and others for your encouragement. Still depressed, almost made it through another day. Did my job okay, even though I was checking and rechecking everything thinking I'd made a mistake.

I hope everyone understands, if I've not expressed it before that the part about "no one cares about my problems" was not referring to any of you. It was referring to friends and family members who either haven't communicated with me in months (for no reason I can understand) or else only call to dump their problems on me when I'm barely keeping it together. My mom yelled at me the other day saying "Don't you put that on me," after she'd told me all her problems and I said in passing, "I worry about the plants that they have feelings too and that I'm hurting them when I eat them." It was just a thought, I wasn't saying I was going to stop eating. I never have had an eating disorder in my life (except maybe a little too much) but I love food. I'm vegetarian, but I used to be vegan. I just think thoughts like that sometimes. So she made me feel bad just for saying something that entered my mind that day. FRUSTRATING!

I have therapy tomorrow. Maybe I can work through some of this, but damn, I need something added to my meds fast.

[thinker22]

Does anyone else ever have gory images racing through their head of their own sudden and unnatural death? It's becoming more and more frequent for me. 2 different methods in the past hour alone have been going through my head, making my heart race and making it very difficult to fall asleep. I hope this goes away soon because it's scary.

[Amazonmom]

Yes. It happens when I am severely depressed...the intrusive thoughts get worse and more violent.

Do your T and meds people know about this? There are meds that work well on intrusive thoughts like this.

[thinker22]

amazon...all they ever say is more Seroquel and any more of that stuff and I would wish for death. 25mg is all I can tolerate without being reduced to a weak shaky thing that sleeps all day.

If I weren't a stronger person one of them could be liable for malpractice because they don't listen!!! It's like they want me to fall apart.

[Amazonmom]

Um....if the Seroquel was working you WOULDN'T be CALLING them and begging for help. I know you are scared of Lithium, but it's a hell of a lot better than the depression. Trust me- I know!

There are other atypical antipsychotics to take for bipolar besides seroquel. SSRI drugs work well for intrusive thoughts, some docs believe in giving them along with mood stabilizers for bipolar folks.

I will say that my postpartum depression was so full of horrible, vile, violent intrusive thoughts that I thought there would never be a way out. One dose of Zoloft made them stop. I took my first dose before bed, and that night was the first in 7 months that I didn't wake up with violent nightmares. After getting up, I realized that I was free. The thoughts in my head were of brushing my teeth, not of scenes that are worse than any horror film ever dreamed of.

Of course Zoloft sent me hypomanic...but if I had mood stabilizers on board that wouldn't have happened.

PS-I'm not impressed with your pnurse. Fire her *** as soon as you find someone better.

[thinker22]

My therapist spoke to her today. She's still sticking to her guns claiming she consulted the "best psych doctor in the valley" about my case. I actually know of one far better than he who has gotten national recognition, so she's full of ****. He may be good, but not that good.

The sucky part in this endlessly sucky tale is that her supervisor will not be overriding her present drug prescription/conconction. Why? Some idiot failed to tell me that A) the p-nurse has gone out of town and B) her sup will not do anything until she's consulted with the nurse face to face.

So now I have next to no options. I'm not asking that they change any of the ones I'm on. I'm asking for something to help them. I'm so tempted to pull out all my past prescriptions and start taking one of them just for the hell of it since I couldn't feel much worse. Instead, I'm drinking until I don't feel this way. I hate to self medicate when on all these drugs, but they've given me no option. If the choice is between winding up in the hospital after having done something impulsive and getting numb with booze, I know which option I'm taking.

I'm not letting her win this one. Her theory is wrong and were it anyone else she might have killed them by now by her stubbornness. Just because my depression/anxiety/PTSD, etc. is difficult to treat doesn't mean you at some point give up trying new things. She wants to get rid of me because she doesn't know what the hell else to do and she's succeeded. I never want to see her sorry *** again. She may be nice and smile while she's not helping, but after a certain point it lost its charm. I gave her so many chances too. I'm not mean spirited. 13 months I've given her and if anything I feel worse than when I started. I get more regular sleep, but depression and invasive thoughts are worse than ever.

I HATE INEPTITUDE and SMUGNESS and people who are so convinced they're RIGHT that they ignore the TRUTH in front of them.

Put together a stack of meds info and highlighted passages in preparation for the meeting tomorrow that now won't happen. I know what I should be on and they seem to be unaware of the most obvious problems with their choices past and present. Maybe I'll drive to the nearest major city (4.5 hours away) just to get some decent treatment.

[BNLsMOM]

Oh wow. You are going through some major stuff right now. I would be so frustrated and angry too. I know you have been talking about the hopsital as an option and I think the hospital may be a good place to get your meds straightened out. Do you have a partial program? I was inpatient for a week and then went to partial and although I really thought it wasn't working while I was there, the med they put me on may have finally kicked in and I have actually felt balanced for a few days. I feel relief from the constant mood swings. (If I could do something about these hives and my anxiety issues, I'd be 100% better) I would say that I was at a definite low point when I entered the inpatient and I am at about 75% to 80% better functioning a month later. It was a long month (which you helped me through with your posts) but I feel like I may be on the other side of the severe depression and so far I am not feeling manic.

It may be a good option...

[Pughead]

I hope you feel better soon. Your responses to my posts in the other thread help make me feel more at ease.

I really hope you feel better. I think your great sense of self awareness is a good thing. It can help you get through it. Just try not to beat yourself up over anything.

Take care.

[thinker22]

Hi again guys. I'm sorry I can't think of any good news right now. I'm just angry and determined to feel better, but very frustrated with this process and never want to see another doc or therapist again. I want to curl up into a ball or else explode and run away.

If Lamictal does work, I won't have to go back to any of those docs. If it doesn't, I'm quitting all my meds, tapering off of them one by one and then I'm going to just drink to numb myself if I feel bad. Cheaper and doesn't require a prescription. If I need to talk to someone I'll use the mirror or talk to my mate or the cat or my journal or you guys (and gals...where I'm from both are combined into guys). And, no, it's not the Andromeda galaxy. Although, sometimes...

They will have cured me of ever wanting help from "professionals" again. I hope they're proud of themselves for thinking I'm an idiot and they know everything. One of their patients will wind up dead one day and although I warned them, they won't even remember what I said. They'll absolve themselves of all guilt and blame it on the illness instead of their refusal to listen and adjust the meds.

Hope to feel better soon and thinking more clearly and replying more specifically to everyone. Hugs to all and warm fuzzies.

[BNLsMOM]

I have had these feelings. I have been at the bottom where no hope is visible, but it does get better. Please don't give up. I and all of us are here for you.

[thinker22]

I'm quitting everything. Therapy. Meds. Everything. I can't take them using and abusing me anymore with their theories. **** them. If I wind up in the hospital, so be it. They brought it on by their negligence. I hope they can live with themselves. I asked for help half a dozen times in the past few weeks and they won't do anything.

[xxWant2Escapexx]

Originally Posted by thinker22

I'm quitting everything. Therapy. Meds. Everything. I can't take them using and abusing me anymore with their theories. **** them. If I wind up in the hospital, so be it. They brought it on by their negligence. I hope they can live with themselves. I asked for help half a dozen times in the past few weeks and they won't do anything.

I know how you are feelingand i know it doesnt feel good. Whenever i go to my tdoc and try to tell him some of the issues i am trying my hardest to deal with its like it goes in one ear and back out the other.Then he just picks up his little yellow notepad and says "lets do an awareness session" which BTW i TOTALLY hate and really honestly find no use for them.He swears by them stupid things(awareness sessions) and i act like a little puppet and say "ok,lets do one"....grrrrr!!! When i was having a really bad time with anxiety in my life i asked him nicely to prescribe something different than the PRN ativan he gave me (20 whole lousy pills....god i had hoped that i never had more anxiety issues than the few 20 PRN pills he would allow monthly sooooo many times) That time period and my worrying about having something available to calm me down if i would need to was one of the reason i asked him about possibly changing.Maybe i was developing a tolerance and needed something else.Well,it was a no way and lets work on another awareness session lol.....Ok I guess i should stop cuz i dont believe i am being very therapeutic for you.I just wanted you to know that i know how you are feling right now and I feel for you...and some cyber hugs never hurt either

[thinker22]

I'm feeling like a total ****head. I try to take control of my life and the fact that my emotions are out of control on the meds they put me on and they act like I'm ungrateful. I can't do anything right. They keep suggesting I go to the hospital. I'm not suicidal yet. I'm just having a lot of ideation and severe depression. Write me an rx for abilify. It's not hard. But apparently it is. Apparently the hospital is their only solution since they can't do the right thing and admit that they were wrong. That they got my meds wrong. That they need to at least add something new and not leave me hopeless for any kind of a life or future.

Like I said, out of control. Everything feels catastrophic. Everything sets me off. I don't know what else to do but just go to sleep as long as possible.