My little post of all my ****ed upedness so I don't spam the board!

[QUOTE=Miguel'smom;6820402]I don't think anyone realizes how ****ed up I am. If I lay everything out T won't want to be my T anymore. I NEED to become more self reliant.[/QUOTE

Well... I think the reason they dont realize how bad you are is you consistanly under report ... So how can you expect anyone to really know how to help you , they do not have a crystal ball...

I understand the want to be off meds I do. but... when was the last time you had a stretch of stability on meds??? if you cant find stability with the help of meds how can you imagine it happening if you are trying it on your own sans any meds?

You deal with insomnia and Sleep is one of the most important parts of finding stability for people with any mental illness.

Most people on meds and certainly off meds need to have a very structured life to help maintain balance . Are you willing to lay out a structured daily life and truly stick too it? No putting on headphones and going to bed and staying?

As you know I am off meds over a year now.. and I am doing okay. I have lots of white knuckle moments.. But I have a daily schedule. I clean every day, I cook every day, I shower every day, I go outside daily. I have so many things that are just part of my day, and they are Law for me.

I want you to find stability I truly do.....but over the years you cant continue the daily follow through needed.. How can you change things this time to have a better long term outcome???

I hope you feel better soon and can make positive changes in your life for you and your family

[QUOTE=~Christina;6822866]hey mm,
Good post from ~Christina. I do not do all the things that ~Christina mentioned but they are important, or alternatives that are part of the day instead of... I'm not sure what your schedule/day consists of.

If you keep a lot of things from the therapist, knowingly, you aren't making the best use of the therapy space.....

I suggest you start by implementing one or two small positive changes say tomorrow and the day after? Is that doable?

I am suggesting the opposite to what a sub optimal therapist ''suggested'' for me.... as in ''goals and time limits'' - yes that was a trigger/trap he set for me (and no I am not paranoid... I've analysed that dude like he ''analysed'' me...)

Later on when he was bored of the supply I was giving him he upped the triggers.... he ''suggested'' some things out of the blue which were not ''achievable'' overnight as he demanded.

So as I said start putting a bit more structure into your day, try to find a couple of fun things to do each day and either post them here or tell the therapist. okay?

you consistently under report Things don't look as bad until I look back on it.
when was the last time you had a stretch of stability on meds??? I had a two month stretch a little while ago.
No putting on headphones and going to bed and staying? My headphones help me cope with agitation, confusion and audio hallucinations. I haven't stayed in bed all day for a long time. I at least drag myself to the couch.
How can you change things this time to have a better long term outcome??? Figure out how to be truly honest with my team. I'm fairly honest with them though. I say what's going on just not in detail.

I'm not sure what your schedule/day consists of. Currently because of the situation: get up, get on the computer check PC, FB and other groups I'm part of, Eat, plan curriculum, back to check forums, eat, computer games or curriculum planing, meds, bed.

I suggest you start by implementing one or two small positive changes say tomorrow and the day after? Is that doable? That is doable

How are things going today? Thinking of you

Some of my books that I ordered came. The rest have been shipped YAY! So I'm working on that. I tried to get by 9 am no matter what time I fall asleep.

I just found out my psychiatrist is leaving

I'm calling and calling my therapists clinic and no one is answering! I need a new pdoc! I'm sure there's a long wait and H is getting mad at me for wanting to spend tons of money on things we don't need for other people but they need it. Besides the designer dog. We don't need a new one but Miguel and I want a pomsky. I want to just take the card BUT that will cause a fight because I was already told no.

I finally got through to them and I have to talk to my therapist tomorrow for her to request an appointment.

Starting a blog!

Does this sound good for an about me?

Who do you expect to read it? I think the value of these statements changes with the audience.

I think you're in the middle of an episode and you need to find rest. Hopefully your T can help.

Your psychiatrist is leaving?

I don't know who I'm writing it for. I guess mainly for me and anyone who is interested. I usually write better then I talk. There's something more serious about my writing and tone when I write than when I speak, even if I say the same thing. That's a summary of things my T really should know in a condensed version of my notes for the week besides the questions about our relationship. I'm going to try writing daily. and do weekly summaries so I can take that to therapy.

Your psychiatrist is leaving? Yes, I'm not going to find a dr. that lets me go with this "little" medication. Most Dr,s want me on a cocktail of meds and still threaten to hospitalize me occasionally. I'm going to ask my T tomorrow for the best pdoc they have and if getting a new pdoc is really worth it. I still have one appointment with my current pdoc. I have no idea if new pdoc will fill my ambien. I'm probably going to ask for zyprexa prn if s/he wont give me ambien. S/he will probably want me on an injectable again. I'm scared but having my team at the same facility again will probably be good.

My body will eventually crash right? Hopefully not before T today/tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I don't want a new pdoc. This is the clinic that says I have SzA not BPII+. I'm nervous how serious she's going to be. I hate seriousness. What if new pdoc is super serious? Can I refuse injections? What if s/he doesn't work with me? What if T says it's an emergency or wants to talk to H? I don't want to take the ambien. He's being an *** anyway. I'm not a threat to my self or other can they force treatment? I don't want to become depressed. He wont let me order more supplies until I'm finished with all the books I order but half of them are not even here yet! I'll be finished with the current project before the next set gets here. What if pdoc says I have SzA? I'm so worried they'll want me on more/different meds. What if he wont fill disolvable medications? What if he doesn't bargain or is heavy handed on meds? I'm so scared. I want to throw up and cancel.

Sorry this is long. I tried to answer everything.

YOu don't even meet this person for a month, right? My T has to put in a request but there's lots of times she has wanted me to go to crisis pdoc. By the time she "sees" me today I will have been up for well over 2 days. Plus I have to tell her things that I've been putting off for over month because I don't want serious conversations. We'll yet again have the medication talk .. I "see" my pdoc in 19 days for the last time. I feel fine.

I'm going to pull another all nighter if I can't finish part of my project before bed. I doubt that little pill will do **** to me right now. I'm against swallowing anything right now including meds. I ate today a piece of pizza. I pretty much swallowed it whole and ran away. I know I'm in weirdness but I feel fine. I don't know how long it will take to see the new pdoc I'm hoping over 2 months. So I can see my pdoc before changing. It really depends on how she takes what I say today and my bargaining skills how fast she has me see a pdoc. Other times she has offered appointment during appointments. However she has always respected that I like and trust my pdoc. Now I don't have that. I'm worried that it'll be first available pdoc. That they'll tell my husband "if she refuse to swallow this every day for the next X. Then just take her to the ER." Pdocs have done that to me more then once. I'm not a danger to anyone. I'd rather wait for my pdoc or one that will work with me.

You seem manic MM. You've said several things lately that are out of character for you. You haven't slept. You're full of ideas and hyperfocused on projects. You're refusing meds and you are paranoid. You are planning to bargain your way out of treatment or withhold information again. You like the idea of self harm. You are not eating properly. None of these are good signs.

Seeing a crisis pdoc might be a good idea. Injections might be the right thing if you refuse pills. Please let T help and be honest today. You say over and over how you are not a danger to anyone. You are not thinking clearly or taking care of yourself properly. That is dangerous behavior for you. I'm not saying you need to be hospitalized. However, if you want to avoid that you need to be honest with yourself and realize you're having an episode and a med change could be a good thing. If you want to avoid the hospital you need to find a way to slow down.

Please let T help and be honest today. I am going to be honest. I just have to get the words out. I don't plan to with hold anything from T. Okay maybe not mention I like the idea of self harm unless asked because I'm not a danger to myself. I have no access to anything sharp.
You are planning to bargain your way out of treatment Yes, not out of treatment but the lowest possible med intervention. I will try to remember that is not the goal but I bargain when I get scared. I need a new pdoc anyway right? So I guess whatever T says I'll try.

Any Ideas of a short phrase I can practice So I can just blurt it out. hopefully?

That's a good attitude. You can worry, but it may be much more fruitful to focus on an intent to create a scenario in which your desires can be honored in a way that you also get the help you need. Letting go and trusting sounds good to me, but as always you have to go with what you think works best for you.

It is ok to be scared. We all face fear. The question is whether or not you allow the fear to steer your choices. If you do, you will bargain and get less than what you need. If you can face the fear and accept it and force yourself to do what is in your best interest anyway, the outcome is more likely to serve you. It is also ok to admit to your providers you are afraid.

If it were me, I would say 'I am experiencing several symptoms of a mood swing and I haven't been taking my meds lately'

Your T might respond by asking you which symptoms you have. You can find lots of checklists online to compare your symptoms. Your T might take you through a list of her own.

You can use statements like these:

- I haven't slept in X hours
- I am not eating well
- I have a lot of ideas and I am very focused on projects and starting new projects
- I stopped taking my meds X number of times
- I am safe, and I will not self harm, but the idea of it is appealing
- I am fearful of H and possibly paranoid
- I want to spend more money. H is helping me not to overspend though

This way your T can see the symptoms and that you already have some strategies in place to help yourself. That may help your team see you're in less danger than if you had none of those support mechanisms. These are just examples, but its the kind of list that could be helpful. If your T gives you crap about reading from a list I would reply with 'this is how I can communicate right now and I need help. We can focus on my communication style when I am better.'

Would it be bad to read my blog post to her. Should I be more vague?
She know's my sleep is off, she asked last time about history of an Eating Disorder, She's encouraging my focus on my projects, She knows I think my husband's being an *** and that my husband won't let me spend money.

Can I just ask her if She talked to H?
I'll say today: "I haven't slept in two days, don't remember the last time I took meds (2 wks ago maybe?), my head's loud, and pdoc's leaving. I don't plan to sleep because I have to finish my project."

That level of paranoia is normal for me. Even on meds.

I think that's a good start! Yes, letting her read the blog post would probably give her greater insight.

There's a difference between having a focus on projects and focusing to a degree you become imbalanced. I don't think she was aiming for projects to become consuming and was hoping more for them to just be an outlet for you to channel your energy into. Blogging and the work you've been doing with the books are great ideas under the right circumstances.

Also, knowing someone has a history of something is different than communicating that a particular symptoms is occuring at the moment. So it is one thing to know your sleep has been off, it would be another to say you haven't slept for however many hours it has been. Knowing you've struggled with eating in the past is different than saying I'm really struggling to eat for the past few weeks or days or whatever. Essentially, you need to paint a complete picture of what's going on for you at the present time. The whole picture will help her to better assess your needs and offer a strategy that is a fit for you at the moment. It sounds like she's given you good tips for handling things in general, but this is more of a specific combination of symptoms.

I wrote notes but they sound REALLY bad. I like my blog version best. Then I can go into detail from there if she wishes. The note makes me sound really bad. Maybe I'll ask her which one she wants to read. If she sees my notes at least she can't skip the question section.

Bad or good is subjective. Focus on using your best insight to be as honest and detailed as possible. The truth is what it is. It is going to be ok. The goal is to get to a more balanced place as quickly as possible so that you don't experience worse.

Huge hugs to you.

Good post, I agree with this.

Hugs to all

30 min.

on the plus I took an hour and a half nap.