Bipolar Check-In #92

Good morning. Not too much to report. I’m hoping my classes will be okay today. It’s not too bad on my timetable. I got through yesterday without taking a benzo! I’m hoping today marks day 2 at work with no benzo. I slept badly last night. Woke up about 3x. Got out of bed and made coffee at 4:15am because I just couldn’t sleep. I’ve had a latte but I’m about to get dressed and do another latte. I am going to need caffeine to get through today. Tired as heck.

Hope you’re all okay!

Had very interesting dreams about unfulfilled dreams. It was hard to get up today. Even now my eyes want to shut, but you can bet that by bedtime my eyes will be wide open.

Not looking forward to tomorrow. It’s the clear liquid and gross stuff to drink before my colonoscopy. On Wednesday. Oh, so fun.

I had a weird dream last night. My ex husband was in my dream. Ughhh.

My blood tests came back and for the first time in 14 years my kidney level is normal. I wonder if its getting off the topamax my kidney doctor always brings up that med.

But my blood sugar was 141 and this afternoon it was 171. I crashed for a few hours this afternoon I was really tired.

My doctors receptionist called and said the doc looked over all the pictures and yeah, I need surgery. Shes going to call and set up stuff.

I went to my volunteer job tonight. It went well. Came home and started dissociating though so yay for that. 😐

Trying to pull myself out of it now

I feel better than i did last night. I think it was just the blues from the disappointing weekend. It was Monday today and i like going out on Mondays. The city is quiet. A friend and i went downtown for lunch then for a chocolate dessert. I carried on without her to my drop-in and played a little Euchre for the first time in my life and even won a trick.

I tried to befriend a fun young woman there without success but i am having a good attitude about it. She was forty years younger than me and an age-appropriate friend of hers came in and they got cozy. It's okay, not everyone i make an overture to is going to respond, especially if there are other, more suitable friends available.

I was just happy about what a man i have liked for years who was coaching me on Euchre said. Hearts was led and i had good card so the man said, "Jane has a big heart!"

I ended up moving my appointment with my psychiatrist up from September 3rd to this Friday August 15th. The past couple days I’ve been having sui thoughts and impulses. I can’t even remember that last time I felt sui it’s been so long. Many many years. I haven’t gotten fully depressed in a long time. My issues tend to be more mania than depression. I do get depressed and have attempted sui a few times in my life very long ago but it’s been so long since I’ve felt like that it’s almost hard to believe. Like I’m sitting here thinking to myself is it possible I’m depressed? I keep having the thought that I should end my life. It’s just a weird feeling for me cause it doesn’t happen often. Anyway, I’ll see what my psychiatrist says on Friday.

Maybe I’m just so sick of dissociation that I want to die to get away from it.

Blue 🐦 I’m glad you moved your pdoc appointment up.

How's the prep going @Nammu ? I've been thinking of you all day. All my empathy!

That starts tomorrow. Clear liquid only then at 4 pm the fun starts. But this low fiber diet is the pits. I didn’t realize how much fiber I eat. Every time before I eat something I google it, fiber! Can’t have it. I’m so hungry from the low fiber diet. I really appreciate that fiber keeps me satisfied.

@Nammu I was glad to end the low fiber diet too. I did have 2 days of clear fluids and that was harder for me I think. I was hungry! But I also kept googling everything I ate for days on end.

I hope it goes well.

It's my birthday in ten days on the 21st. I'll be 59. I haven't been as circumspect this year as other years regarding keeping it a secret because it falls on the day that my support group has a picnic at a beach. It's unfortunate because it means that when no one does anything for me i will know it's because they don't care. Always other years i kept it a secret and could tell myself no one did anything for me because they didn't know. I got excited and told people this year. It was a mistake. Well, i'll keep it quiet from now on and people will forget. I'll buy myself flowers at the grocery store and that will be good enough. I had great birthdays when i was young, my mom really made a big deal and i treasure the memories. That's more than some people get.

@Blue_Bird I'm glad your pdoc could get you in sooner!

Saw my pdoc today. I told him about the SI and he asked me what I thought these thoughts might be from. In his office, I couldn't think of a cause. After thinking about it more, I do think some of it is just a chemical imbalance but part of it is because I don't feel like I matter so what's the point of sticking around. Feeling like I don't matter fuels the heavy weight of loneliness I already have. Between this and the depression I've been experiencing, he agreed to me upping my seroquel from 12.5 mg to 25 mg. He also was trying to think of some other things we might be able to do if this doesn't work. I go back in a month.

Today was the first full day of school-It went well.

Renewed my license today. At the DMV because I wanted a new picture. I LOATHE the DMV though. I've been anxious for the past four days, like anxiety diarrhea anxious (sorry for THAT tmi). Meeting with my parents is on Thursday. We're meeting at an Indian restaurant. I feel like I'm going to be sick just thinking about it!

It's also really hot in here and on top of it being hot in here I'm having a hot flash. 🥵 I'm dying here man! (Not literally obviously.)

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 43. Just the thought is making me feel like I'm going to start crying! I don't want to deal with all this getting old shyt, like perimenopause and fudging mammograms and cataracts and whatever else is going to come up! I'm not ready yet!

So I'm planning on eating ice-cream in the dark apartment, on the couch, doing nothing. Well, actually I'm going to be doing something (when I'm not pigging out on ice-cream). I'm going through my daughter's novel and editing it for her. Goal is to have it done by the end of the week. I'll have it done tomorrow night I'm sure, since I'm not doing anything tomorrow (besides eating ice-cream and listening to Sleep Token and crying).

Why have they NOT come out with a med that STOPS hot flashes when you're having one?! Like, that you can take when you get one and then it goes away! THIS ONE IS NOT GOING AWAY! IT DOES FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS THEN COMES BACK WORSE!!!!!

Fudge!!!!!!

Happy early birthday @raspberrytorte I know you're not celebrating but I'd still like to be able to wish you!

That's so nice of you @Crazy Hitch! 😊 Thanks.

I've been tracking my period for almost a year. It's a MESS. I saw the perimenopause thread. I will check it out.

I've been on a weird "cycle" (it's very unpredictable). But I seem to go through a period of 2-7 (about) days of:

- startle easily
- uncomfortable with some touch
- thinking a lot about my past, especially past traumas (mostly from childhood)
- crying a lot and easily
- most of my thoughts are negative

I can get through this fine enough living alone, I'm not effecting anyone (especially the crying). But now I live in a studio with my bf. No where to go? Trying to figure out how to get through this time period without causing problems for my boyfriend and for us! Does anyone have any ideas?