[Verity81]

Am inpatient, the nurses bar a few don't empathise at all with BPD. I'm really struggling

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[BadWolfC]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Totally understand this. I want to plan a graduation party, but I don't really want to put a bunch of time, effort, and money into it because I'm not sure who will really show up. Also...isn't a grad party something others should throw for you? Why am I buying my own cake and renting my own space? Thinking I should just save the $$ and go on vacation (by myself...because no one wants to/can get it together enough to go with me)

I'm sorry to hear that. It is something that I would assume others would throw for you rather than the other way around. If you want to have a party, then I say go for it and hope that everyone shows up, at least the people who matter to you. If you think you'd have a better time celebrating in some other way by yourself then I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. Making yourself happy is more important than trying to get people to show up.

Sorry for the late reply, I've been extremely busy and haven't been able to log on for about 4 days.

My 13 year old narcissist sister has been really inconsiderate in the past few days (big surprise, right?) and has been trying to tell me that her mental illness is worse than mine, and that I'm faking my BPD, which is absolutely NOT what you're supposed to say to someone with BPD.
She got caught drinking after months of her threatening me not to tell mom or "I'll f**k you up." She lied to my parents through the entire fiasco, faked tears and everything. Maybe the tears were real, though, at being called out for doing something wrong. She lied to me about it, too, and I made sure that my parents knew everything that she had said and done. They said they don't know what they're going to do with her because she's constantly lying and doing adult things at such a young age. That kind of comforted me, because I don't like her at all and I'm glad my parents can understand a little.

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[BadWolfC]

Getting tired of my job again already... probably has something to do with the fact that I'm working more than I'm used to. I just don't feel like I can do this much longer, I'm so worn out and I'm only working around 30 hours a week. I don't know what I'm going to do once this job is done in a month, so I'm starting to stress about that too. I don't want to be unemployed again. I know I'm going to have to get used to this, I can't afford to work fewer hours than what I'm getting now. I'm barely scraping by as it is.

I'm worried about my fiance's job situation too because his hours are really getting cut now that the busy season is over, and he's trying to find a new job without much luck. I don't know what we're going to do if we both end up jobless again.

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

Getting tired of my job again already... probably has something to do with the fact that I'm working more than I'm used to. I just don't feel like I can do this much longer, I'm so worn out and I'm only working around 30 hours a week. I don't know what I'm going to do once this job is done in a month, so I'm starting to stress about that too. I don't want to be unemployed again. I know I'm going to have to get used to this, I can't afford to work fewer hours than what I'm getting now. I'm barely scraping by as it is.

I'm worried about my fiance's job situation too because his hours are really getting cut now that the busy season is over, and he's trying to find a new job without much luck. I don't know what we're going to do if we both end up jobless again.

I'm jobless and looking too, so I understand your worries

[ThunderGoddess]

I'm feeling sad and confused but trying to think of some coping skills that could cheer me up

[Achy Turtle Armor]

My therapist released me from the hospital today. 5 days IP wasn't too bad but my attachment to him came roaring back. It's one of the reasons why I said that I felt like I needed to leave. He got my Lithium level where he wants it which is the best he can do to stave off the suicidal thoughts. So I'm not feeling suicidal but the depression is still there, though diminished.

He is still concerned that I might do it but at the moment I have no desire. He has thoroughly scared my little sister which I suppose is his way of not being the only one responsible for me. I dunno. I wished he didn't do that only because she has depression too and she told me that after she talked to him she wanted to crawl up in a ball. I need to try to remember this when I feel like doing it.

So I thought I'd share something that I learned and that I've been doing. I feel like it has been helping. I don't know about anyone else but I journal, though mostly when things are bad or challenging. So to add good or positive things to my journal I am adding the
"G. L. A. D. technique." So I write about one thing I'm Grateful for, one thing I Learned, one thing I Accomplished, and one thing that Delighted me. These can be small things so don't fret if all you accomplished was getting out of bed.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

My therapist released me from the hospital today. 5 days IP wasn't too bad but my attachment to him came roaring back. It's one of the reasons why I said that I felt like I needed to leave. He got my Lithium level where he wants it which is the best he can do to stave off the suicidal thoughts. So I'm not feeling suicidal but the depression is still there, though diminished.

He is still concerned that I might do it but at the moment I have no desire. He has thoroughly scared my little sister which I suppose is his way of not being the only one responsible for me. I dunno. I wished he didn't do that only because she has depression too and she told me that after she talked to him she wanted to crawl up in a ball. I need to try to remember this when I feel like doing it.

So I thought I'd share something that I learned and that I've been doing. I feel like it has been helping. I don't know about anyone else but I journal, though mostly when things are bad or challenging. So to add good or positive things to my journal I am add the
"G. L. A. D. technique." So I write about one thing I'm grateful for, one thing I learned, one thing I accomplished, and one thing that delighted me. These can be small things so don't feet if all you accomplished was getting out of bed.

Glad to have you back, Achy

[dancinglady]

[QUOTE=misskeena;4681398]Totally understand this. I want to plan a graduation party, but I don't really want to put a bunch of time, effort, and money into it because I'm not sure who will really show up. Also...isn't a grad party something others should throw for you? Why am I buying my own cake and renting my own space? Thinking I should just save the $$ and go on vacation (by myself...because no one wants to/can get it together enough to go with me)[/QU

From my experience with BPD, take yourself on a vacation. Go to somewhere that you will totally enjoy and take yourself on all the dates you would have with others. Treat yourself like a queen. You deserve this after all the studying you have done. Forget the party!!!!! Everyone already knows you are graduating so they should be already planning it and they are not. That is the reality of our lives.

My 65th birthday is coming up and there will be no one to celebrate. Very few of us make it to this and I did, unfortunately. What I am saying is you and many others will someday come to the acceptance that you are the only one you have. It took me many years in therapy and a long lonely life. BPD does not produce long term successful relationships. When you come to this acceptance you will be your own best friend and do everything for you. I know this is difficult to say and hear but it is the reality of having this condition. I tried long and hard and did not win. I tried to prove to everyone and the professionals that I would be different that I would beat this. I am now what they predicted a old, lonely lady with BPD and no physical face to face support. I will someday be an old lonely nursing home client that is given sedatives to shut me up. Happens to most of us. Of course, most here will do what I did, fight this reality. Good luck.

Originally Posted by ushichan

My 13 year old narcissist sister has been really inconsiderate in the past few days (big surprise, right?) and has been trying to tell me that her mental illness is worse than mine, and that I'm faking my BPD, which is absolutely NOT what you're supposed to say to someone with BPD.
She got caught drinking after months of her threatening me not to tell mom or "I'll f**k you up." She lied to my parents through the entire fiasco, faked tears and everything. Maybe the tears were real, though, at being called out for doing something wrong. She lied to me about it, too, and I made sure that my parents knew everything that she had said and done. They said they don't know what they're going to do with her because she's constantly lying and doing adult things at such a young age. That kind of comforted me, because I don't like her at all and I'm glad my parents can understand a little.

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How do you "fake" BPD and who would want to?

Originally Posted by April72

How do you "fake" BPD and who would want to?

I have no f**king clue!!!!! But her accusations are enough to throw me off.

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My best friend hasn't spoken to me in 3 days and I can see that she's been on the social media platform that we talk on. Talking to other people and ignoring me. I don't know WHAT I did wrong, but it's pissing me off. Beyond pissing me off.
Luckily I haven't said anything mean yet, just sent a bunch of messages asking her why she stopped talking to me, but I'm horribly angry and upset and I don't know what I did.

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[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by ushichan

My best friend hasn't spoken to me in 3 days and I can see that she's been on the social media platform that we talk on. Talking to other people and ignoring me. I don't know WHAT I did wrong, but it's pissing me off. Beyond pissing me off.
Luckily I haven't said anything mean yet, just sent a bunch of messages asking her why she stopped talking to me, but I'm horribly angry and upset and I don't know what I did.

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Don't do or say anything you'll regret. BPD makes you think you did something to cause the momentary separation. It goes back to abandonment in childhood. A child is still mentally egocentric. The developing brain is too primitive to understand concepts such as people having other goals or still having that connection despite not being presently there in the moment (this is called object constancy, infants don't have it). So the reaction formed in the child's mind is that "Mom/Dad abandoned me because I'M BAD", and this forms the core abandonment complex in BPD as well as the low self-worth and hypersensitivity. It's amazing how it plays out in adulthood. People with BPD have parts of their personality still stuck in very early childhood and it takes time, mistakes, pain and therapy to help those parts mature.

I know this all cognitively, I emotionally can't grasp it fully yet. I can spot myself when I have moments like the one you are describing, but it's like watching a car accident in slow motion.

[Kek de la Doge]

^literally this, me right now. Me always. Except that for me it's not in slow-mo, it's fastforward lol. i'd think about my friends - those that i stil have - and my gf, rationalize why they aren't there, why they don't reply. "oh they must be busy and thats totally cool" but then when they send a message and disappear i begin thinking about how lonely i am, despair overwhelms me and i'm drawn to the darkness.

it happened today, again. i feel like i'm giving my whole and be as empathetic as possible to my gf but when she stops replying i feel abandoned. and then think about other bad stuff. and then start going off on my facebook like an attention seeking *****, but i cant help it because thats just who i am. a big baby who just wants attention, screaming woe-is-me. i know it's most likely thanks to my BPD, and it slowly sips through the cracks, i mean all the therapy i've done and doing still. but ******* it's twice and thrice crappy because i have dysthymia and it just makes stuff worse and damn i just wanna get over that.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I feel like I just accomplished something big... I was crying just now. No reason why. I was feeling crap that I felt depressed and was crying. I was thinking no, no, no. I don't want this and therefore I was focused on the crying. I thought I can do this. I can get out of this. So I tried doing a mindful exercise and it got me out of my head and I stopped crying.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by crosstobear

Don't do or say anything you'll regret. BPD makes you think you did something to cause the momentary separation. It goes back to abandonment in childhood. A child is still mentally egocentric. The developing brain is too primitive to understand concepts such as people having other goals or still having that connection despite not being presently there in the moment (this is called object constancy, infants don't have it). So the reaction formed in the child's mind is that "Mom/Dad abandoned me because I'M BAD", and this forms the core abandonment complex in BPD as well as the low self-worth and hypersensitivity. It's amazing how it plays out in adulthood. People with BPD have parts of their personality still stuck in very early childhood and it takes time, mistakes, pain and therapy to help those parts mature.

I know this all cognitively, I emotionally can't grasp it fully yet. I can spot myself when I have moments like the one you are describing, but it's like watching a car accident in slow motion.

I really like the way you described this.

[dancinglady]

Found my solution- oxycodone. Take it and fall asleep for the day.

[cryingontheinside]

Feeling depressed and wondering why I even exist 😭😭

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[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Feeling depressed and wondering why I even exist 😭😭

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Ditto. I wish I could just disappear into nothingness.

[cryingontheinside]

Yeah I'm sorry you feel that way too . its depressing . I'm here for you . pm me any time you like . I'll always reply . the empty feeling is overpowering and feels so helpless . I want to dissapear into nothingness too . it sounds peaceful

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[dancinglady]

It is a really bad day. I am still taking the oxycodone with no relief. I am such a failure and so tried of living. I am so done with life. There is no help out there for me. I can't go inpatient because I do not fit the criteria, there are no therapists that will see me what good it would do at this point. I am done with therapy. It has been and still is a joke. I have absolutely no motivation to try so it would be utterly useless. You have to be motivated and want to do it or it is ineffective on both parts. I am done. done done

My T decided it was time for me to start DBT today. He gave me an assignment for this week, gentle return.
I did some DBT with him for a while when I was 14, but I had no motivation to continue so I stopped. Now that I have the motivation and I'm older, he thinks I'd be suited for a DBT group, and he wants to get me reoriented.
I'm excited to start learning the skills.

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[HUNGRYSwan]

Self loathing. With a sheen of actually I don't give a f***. I'm the bad apple. The cancer, AND my own Jesus. I know i'm an arsehole. But I can be the source of their salvation. I'll lead those close to me to safety. Indoctrinate then 'split black' they owe ME. They don't deliver i'm lonely.

Just lonely haha. That me.

[Kek de la Doge]

Lonely. Reached that point again. In a relationship but lonely. The head shrinker can say what he wants, "bla bla bla its da part o' you're personality tha's still a child just want attention" but whatever. He's right but i dont give a flying ffffffff- duck. People disgust me and everyone is far below beneath my feet. My taste in everything is superior, theirs is below inferiority. My sense of humor is top-tier while everyone's a damn normalfrag who can't into low-level irony. Yeah. Hahahaha.

[Confusedinomicon]

I haven't had an episode in a while where I don't feel functional.

But I'm having problems coping with perceived loss of friends and then I spent the last 3 hours mass texting bf which made the initial upset feelings about 100000x worse and he didn't answer so i thought he was mad at me but he was sleeping and text me back to tell me because of the mass texting.

I think I need to stay off tumblr too, but it's addicting. X.x I think I am starting to regress because I see so much justification for behaviors I've learned to work through. The site just makes me feel ignored and abandoned. I don't know why I keep logging in. It's not healthy though. It feels like a compulsion.