[BadWolfC]

Worried about health issues again... been having bad hot flashes for about a week and a half, and almost fainted at work because I was light headed for no reason. I'm so tired of this. I just want all of it to go away.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I didn't know that it was suicide prevention day...

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SU/SI

Possible trigger:

which is kinda messed up since I was making a half-assed attempt today after I cut myself. I sat in my car for 2+ hours with the car off and then I got a text from a friend saying I didn't look right when I left work today. I told her about my cuts and then she asked if I was safe. I paused for along time. I didn't want to lie but I didn't want to tell her what I was doing either so I said yes and begrudgingly got out of the car.

I think I need to call my T if I am feeling like this tomorrow. I really don't want to go IP. It's not that it is a bad place or experience but it makes me feel like I am a failure more than I already do. I also don't want the attention that it brings from people, especially those who haven't spoken to me since my last IP.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

So I decided not to call my T about my suicidal thoughts. I thought if I can't do the right thing and I can't trust myself then I will call. Right now I am feeling better. I spoke with a couple friends about yesterday and how I am feeling. I made plans to spend time with a couple friends during the weekend even though I'd rather hibernate. I think I am set. I will see my T on Thursday.

[Lonlin3zz]

My emotions are trying to sway me again. I have to remind myself every single day,

" It's not entire your fault, so please do not indulge in emotional thoughts about her since she does not care about you. Don't even look back at the 2 years of hopeless things you've thought of.

- Yours sincerely, the real me "

Originally Posted by Lonlin3zz

My emotions are trying to sway me again. I have to remind myself every single day,

" It's not entire your fault, so please do not indulge in emotional thoughts about her since she does not care about you. Don't even look back at the 2 years of hopeless things you've thought of.

- Yours sincerely, the real me "

Let The Power of Now guide you, every step along the way

[BadWolfC]

Well, I'm starting to come out of whatever funk I was in. Other than being sick yesterday, I've been in a great mood the past couple days. And my money trouble might finally be over because I got promoted at work to assistant manager today. I'm excited to be able to do that, and I'm still happy with my job which is a first. I've never had a job that I enjoyed like this before. I'm hoping once it's over (it's seasonal) I'll be able to find something similar.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Let The Power of Now guide you, every step along the way

I cannot imagine how lucky I am. This could help me cope with my emotions partially, I see it as a lifesaver. I am afraid to make the same mistake again having to die everyday waiting for someone.

It was awful enough to walk through this "emotional shitstorm" and tank whatever that is thrown at me.

Once again, I cannot express how grateful I am towards you. *hugs*

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Just checking in.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

So I'm feeling better but I can't stop sleeping. I know it's not good for me but I don't want to do anything else. I've been coloring a bit too. I went out for an early dinner with a friend today. I've been invited over to another friend's house to watch football but I don't find that fun and they will all be drinking which I generally don't like unless I'm trying to get effed up. Seeing that on the 21st I will have 6 months clean from weed I think I'll stay away from alcohol at the moment. I'm also not presently thinking about suicide which is a nice change.

I hope you all are having a nice weekend.

[BadWolfC]

Excited for next weekend. My fiance's mom and sister are coming to visit as a surprise for his birthday, and I can't wait to see his reaction. It'll be fun to spend time with them.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Sunday night blues have arrived. I must do something before it sets in for good...

[BeatriceBlue]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Sunday night blues have arrived. I must do something before it sets in for good...

I haven't been around this forum long, but I know you've been feeling down lately. I don't know if this is helpful, but I hope things smooth out. I've been coloring too, but I want more colors.

Birthday blues ... I turned 32 today.

I cried today because I thought about the meaning of the word "birthday" ... to celebrate birth or to celebrate life. Yet, all I can think about is my death. That stark contradiction brought me to tears immediately and intensely.

Another year of being ALONE and being dead, and knowing I'll always be alone and always feel dead, has transpired.

Ah, the feeling of a depressive episode coming on never fails to catch me off guard.
Bipolar and BPD put together never calls for a good time. My depression only seems to have been enhanced ever since I began developing BPD...

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[Achy Turtle Armor]

10:45- I start watching the clock because I know that she's going to be here soon.
11:00- I begin to turn around any time someone comes into receiving
11:15- I briefly catch sight of her as she enters the room and I try to remind myself that she's just an ordinary woman. It's not a big deal. I turn away.
11:30- She approaches me and in her sweetest southern accent says, "Hey Sweet pea. How was your weekend?" I say, "Ok" and turn away. I remind myself that I can't have her. She's so beautiful...

So begins my mental unrest until Wednesday when she's away.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

10:45- I start watching the clock because I know that she's going to be here soon.
11:00- I begin to turn around any time someone comes into receiving
11:15- I briefly catch sight of her as she enters the room and I try to remind myself that she's just an ordinary woman. It's not a big deal. I turn away.
11:30- She approaches me and in her sweetest southern accent says, "Hey Sweet pea. How was your weekend?" I say, "Ok" and turn away. I remind myself that I can't have her. She's so beautiful...

So begins my mental unrest until Wednesday when she's away.

2:00- She says, "We haven't talked yet today." I'm thinking, because I'm weird and things are either black or white with me. You are black in my head at the moment. Which means I don't want to interact with you out of fear that I will get too excited and then crash when I remember I'm nothing to you.

How can my "friends" be so happy while I'm so miserable? Do they even care about me at all??? I hate them so much, honestly...
They know that what they do upsets me but they do it anyway. Whenever I say I'm upset they ignore me then start talking to each other as if they HAVE THIS PLANNED OUT, and it really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!! All I have right now is my Project Mirai DX game and even then none of the characters are my friends. I'm working on making friends with my characters, but they're not having it. It really sucks, even video game characters don't like me. They're not even sentient and they don't like me.
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter at all, and I know. I'm just upset.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

She's so beautiful...

What does she look like ? Curious.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

What does she look like ? Curious.

I'll send you a private message with her picture.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by ushichan

How can my "friends" be so happy while I'm so miserable? Do they even care about me at all??? I hate them so much, honestly...
They know that what they do upsets me but they do it anyway. Whenever I say I'm upset they ignore me then start talking to each other as if they HAVE THIS PLANNED OUT, and it really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!! All I have right now is my Project Mirai DX game and even then none of the characters are my friends. I'm working on making friends with my characters, but they're not having it. It really sucks, even video game characters don't like me. They're not even sentient and they don't like me.
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter at all, and I know. I'm just upset

I do not wish to comment anything that seems like I am "out of touch" with you. To let you know, it is there, even in a small Asian country such as Singapore.

What I can observe is, if you don't like it, don't force it against your will. At the end of the day, be satisfied with yourself and not to satisfy others.

[lavendersage]

1st appointment for group orientation with the group facilitator tonight (just us 2). Talking about my shyte does not get any easier as I grow older. It left me drained, exhausted, defeated. It's like being raked, slowly, back and forth, over a bed of razor blades for an hour. I'm shredded.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I talked to my crush this morning. While crying a little I said, "You know I'm a lot weirder than you know." She said, "Maybe you're right but I enjoy knowing you and calling you my friend." I said, "Well I say that because things are often black and white with me. So in order for me to get a grip on my attachment to you I am having to step back from you for a while which I started doing yesterday though you probably didn't notice." She said, "I noticed. I am here for you however you need me." I said, "... But not how I want you." She smiled and said, "Right. How you need me." I thanked her and that was that. I still think she's pretty special but I am keeping my thoughts to myself and I'm trying to not give it all too much energy. I'm feeling proud of myself because it was either this or more self hate due to feelings of rejection. That was a source of my suicidal thoughts these past couple weeks.

What started yesterday as an honest and friendly exchange of "I miss you like crazy. Why wasn't I good enough ?" with my ex, this morning turned to her saying "I'm glad I dumped you" and me telling her to "Go (copulate with) yourself".

I feel terrible.

I will NEVER trust another person with my heart.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

What started yesterday as an honest and friendly exchange of "I miss you like crazy. Why wasn't I good enough ?" with my ex, this morning turned to her saying "I'm glad I dumped you" and me telling her to "Go (copulate with) yourself".

I feel terrible.

I will NEVER trust another person with my heart.

I'm sorry you're hurting...

[Kek de la Doge]

BPD checking in. Awful day for many reasons. Sick physically and it affects me emotionally; a lot of anger and frustration. Got worse when I decided to read out to my mom what it means being a "borderline", living in hell eternal, a storm of emotions with no idea what will come next and what should come next. Have read something that really hit me right where it hurts: a "borderline" will pour his heart out once getting into a relationship, and then when the rush of the first several days runs out, and the partner in the relationship will not message the "borderline" constantly, they will get depressed and anxious asking themselves whether the significant other still has feelings for them; they will also often be full of empathy - and expect a lot more empathy from the other... And that's when it hit me like a wrecking ball straight to the chest: I'm just not built for relationships. On top of every thing else that kills my self esteem, this just added to it. Other than that, life is okay. Taking small steps towards change. And that's it for today.

BPD checking out.