So i went to the doctors - urgent reply needed

I've done it. I wrote my sister (not my psych one, or my little sis - the other one, i have hundreds!) a letter trying to explain everything to her and told her about the cutting etc. It took so much courage to give her it, and then i ran away again. I couldnt bear to be thee same room when she read it. She came and gave me a hug and tried to ask me questions but stupidly i clammed up again - i'm no good at talking! I showed her the cuts and she started crying as well, which i felt bad about. I don't know how i feel now as she has no idea what to do about this either - i didn't tell her anything about thinking i was depressed - that would have been to embarrassing! She sat on my bed and she talked about her experiences and how she's felt at times. It was nice to hear someone else who has felt down but i was also annoyed (that's not the right word!) that i couldn't convey my feelings to her at all and to explain how i felt. I gave her one page of my diary to read but i can't open up that much at the start. She asked me if i would come n see her again if i ever felt so down that i wanted to hurt myself but i honestly can't say i will. She is just as lost as i am with all of this. I'm relieved to have told someone but i still feel i've contained half of what i feel. She said she didn't understand why i felt like this and as i don't as well, it was pretty much left at that. I know she has done all she can to support me and i thank her for that but i still feel trapped and confused. It's stupid but even as she was talking i was thinking about hurting myself again to get away the embarassment i was feeling - i'm going to have to really force myself not to. I don't know how she is feeling about all this, i don't know how i feel - i don't know if i've actually done any good - made a step towards helping myself get out of this mess but i just feel as if i've added to her all my problems and she doesn't really need that right now she's got enough of her own. I don't know, i have to mull this over..... i'm glad i've done it but also feel wierd.

Abby,
Good for you! You took the first step! I know it was really hard for you, but I am proud of you for doing it. I really hope you can keep making baby steps and eventually you will be able to see a counselor. They will be much more able to help you. It is really a vulnerable feeling to "let people in" and share your feelings, but it really does help. Even if you have to do it the same way, like I mentioned before, by handing a therapist your journal or writing down your feelings - I really hope you will give it a try. Until then, keep posting and getting support here - you are NOT alone!

Abby,

Good for you! I'm glad that you talked to your sister. Let me warn you, facing this stuff is probably going to be hard, but it will be worth it. You will be better off down the road.

May I ask, since you said this is a younger sister, how old is she? It's nice to have someone you can talk to, but make sure that both of you are safe and that you don't both just hurt together without getting better. If either one of you isn't safe, please talk to an adult.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hi. Hope you all had a nice New Year. mmm.... sorry but i've got to ask your advice again, i feel really bad for talking about me all the time, if i could offer any of the other posts replies i would but i doubt i'd be any use to anyone at the moment - i'm too confused myself. Anyway, my sister has been really great to me - she's 2 yrs older by the way, 20yrs old - and she's brought up the fact that i may be depressed by herself and wants me to go to the doctors again. I don't know, it was sooo awful last time and they told me to come back in a few months and i don't want to waste their time and make a fool out of myself again. My sister said she'd come with me and was really angry with how they treated me last time but i'm soo unsure. What if i'm being silly. I mean sometimes i'm fine and i may be exagerating all the other stuff. I'm confused. I want help but i don't think i will ever be able to convince anyone because i don't talk about myself that much (may surprise you!!). I'm scared. What if i'm being silly?? My sister has told me to think it over and said she'd book it and everything but....... i don't know. I know you can't make me go or not go but i do value your help. You've all been so nice to me in the last few weeks (seems like forever!). What do you think? And if i do go, how do i talk to this doctor without clamming up - i don't want her to read my diary straight off i wouldn't trust her - not after last time! (i will go to a different one though.) Please tell me what you think i should do. Thank you Abby.

How great you have an advocate! Yes, if you feel at all comfortable with and trusting of, your sister, have her go with you. It often takes someone who can see what's really going on to help us on our way. (Who knows, maybe in our depression we take things the wrong way...) No, I personally would not share my journal with anyone new. I might, maybe, write an additional few notes just to take to the T.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

Abby

Just from what you've written here, you are definitely NOT being silly. There is definitely something going on that might very likely be helped by the right doctor. Even if you feel fine sometimes, the fact that sometimes you DON'T feel good is what is important and should be treated. The fact that you've hurt yourself, even if you think you were only experimenting, is a concrete physical sign that something is going on.

I think that is so excellent that your sister has been receptive and wants to help. I would really take advantage of that and let her go with you to find someone who can help. Definitely write some stuff down if you are afraid you won't be able to talk when you are there.

One thing I am not sure about, your earlier (bad) experience, what that with a therapist or a regular physician? Often a good physician will recognize the problem and point you to the specialty help you need but sometimes they just aren't of the right mind to "get it". I hope you can find a good specialist this time, a therapist, psychologist, and I hope your experience will be 1000 times better. Don't give up and even if the new person seems OK make sure that you can be comfortable enough to talk with them. That may take some time and a good therapist will work with you to build that trust. If they don't then just look for someone else. I hope with the support of your sister it will be easier.

Good luck and KEEP POSTING HERE! We all want things to work out well for you and we want to know how you are doing.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Abby, I think you should contact this doctor again, or try a different one. I've had this problem before, too. Okay, I still do. I have trouble with words, expressing my feelings, and just plain admitting things to my doc. What I do when this happens, is to write him a letter. You mentioned that you could have told her things in writing, so why not do that? I've found that doctors don't ask enough questions. It's like we have to feel "stupid" and volunteer the information. (Or that's how I feel.) Once they get enough of the info tho, they have a better understanding of the problem. You can take the letter with you to an appointment, mail it, or even fax it. Some doctors even offer an email address to patients who do better writing and need the extra support. When I write, I will hand deliver it to the office or send by fax. I feel that way he'll know what is going on and it will help start our discussion at the next session.

Sounds like a plan. Remember, everything sent via fax and/or computer is interceptible by others. Even most phone calls (that aren't scrambled) go through microwave through the air... just thought you'd wanna know.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

Don't know why i'm writing in here, don't really see the point to tell you the truth and besides you have more important people to help than me. I'm just some silly teenage, with no life, who's crying about being unhappy when the only reason i am unhappy is that i don't go out there and make a difference to my own or anyone elses life. Even though i have a future planned out (india then Uni), i see no future. I find it hard, unbearable to imagine my future - it's too much like hard work! But hey, no 18 yr old can imagine what they'll be like in 20 yrs and yet here i am complaining and crying over nothing! I'm soo pathetic it's unbelievable. I don't understand why i can't get on with my life - i want to look on the positive side, i really really do - but i can't, i really can't. It's so easy for people to say do this and that, feel this and that, but i feel as if i have something pulling me back and trapping me so i'm not able to do these things that will make me soo happy! I wish soo much that i could feel something again so I could look forward to meeting my friends, and not feel soo guilty when i complain to my family and they tell me to look on the positive side and not be so selfish. I wish i wasn't selfish, i wish i could be everything i want to be, everything people expect me to be. I wish they weren't so angry with me when i'm not able to talk and become reclusive or snap all the time. But i suppose i can't expect that from them - they are right in what they say, i treat people badly and then i cry to myself because i feel bad!! I'm warped, seriously, sometimes i feel such excessive compassion but at others i really couldn't care less - i'm so interested in looking after myself. I've contridicted myself in this post! Why am i writing this here? I'm not really going through what you quys are, i've just convinced myself i am and have taken you lot for a ride. What i need to do is sort myself out, stop feeling soo sorry for myself and live life. Wish it was that easy though. Sometimes I wish i could just disappear, get out of this place, walk down my street and walk for a million miles to...... I should be excited about going to India but i'm not - why?? It's the trip of a lifetime and yet i'd rather stay in this place, even though i'm unhappy here.
My mum's just come in and i've been mean again and upset her. I told her i was busy and if she could leave me for a few minutes ( i don't want her to find out i'm writing on here). All she wanted to do was say goodnight - and again i managed to upset someone. Why do i bother? Why do i keep plodding on, getting up, going through the motions. What have i to look forward to - because i'm doing stuff now and it isn't any fun. I feel so sad and yet i can't cry - i don't want to cry that would admit defeat, i'm too proud and besides what if i can't pick myself up again afterwards. I'm so scared of letting all this pain out, what damage it would cause. I feel as if i should cope alone, yet i don't want to cope! I don't want to be asked to be happy for all the fortunate things i've got - i feel bad enough for not being able to experience these things let alone try to be grateful for those things i feel nothing for. But there i go again, making out that my life is awful, i don't get it, i know that sometimes i feel fine and when i'm like that i wonder how i was ever this sad but when i feel sad i wonder how i was ever happy! I am living a messed up life and quite frankly i don't like it. I'm fed up with feeling this mixed up, for hurting people unintentionally/intentionally, for behaving the way i do sometimes, and then continuing the next day as if everything is fine and dandy. But you know what's worse - the minute i finish writing this i have to go to bed and try and sleep so that i can get up ready for another day. i don't want to stop writing, i don't want to go to bed if it means facing another day, a lifetime feeling like this. I don't want this, i can't handle this - i want to burst into tears but i'm afraid. I'm sorry if i've rambled for to long, i know i can be a pain, that i condtridict myself everywhere and can't get out of these feelings. I wish i could improve not only for myself but to make everyone happy. I want people to like me, to not feel bad around me yet all i do is cause pain no matter what. I can't help myself. I have these feelings that i know are wrong and should feel sorry for, but i can't help feeling them, i can't switch them off no matter how hard i try. maybe i;m not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm being weak, maybe i am weak - maybe all this is down to me and who i am. What if i always feel like this, how many more people will i hurt? There is soo much that i'm feeling but can't start to explain. I should go though because i know i would be bad of me to write forever - it seems rude to continue. Besides i know when i feel okay again i will look back at this and be humiliated. I'm embarrassed already for rambling on like this - i wish i wasn't a burden.

(((ABBY))) You are more than welcome to write here. Let me tell you good idea I was given... try not to make such large paragraphs... break them up it makes them easier to read.

You sound sooo depressed. And of course you don't feel important. I probably haven't read or remember all your post... but I wonder why you are going to India when you obviously don't want to. You are 18, can you decide other wise?

Anger is a basic component of depression. What became of your finding another T? You need someone to look in the eye and tell what's going on, and someone who can look back and help you. Best wishes in this... and no, don't feel bad for posting... all of the dark pit comments amaze us after we dig out a bit...

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

Abby,

You are NOT a burden! When you get better (and you will!), it will be a whole new lease on life. Don't worry about rambling here - I wish I had had a sounding board as kind as the people here when I had my darkest moments. Also, I find it helpful just to ramble in my thoughts when I'm confused about how I feel - I often don't know exactly what I think or why until I write it down. It's like I need to see it on paper to understand exactly what's going on up there.

Talking to your sis is a great idea. My sister and I were always at odds growing up, and once we were both out of the same living quarters we became each other's best friends. She has been through much of what I have, if not worse, and it really helps to talk to someone who has been or is going through the same thing. I think it's great that your sister wants to take you to the doctor's office. Having that kind of "push" is invaluable. Taking the first step is the hardest, and I'm so sorry that the first doctor you saw was so uncaring. There are many more caring, thoughtful doctors out there.

Let us know how it goes!

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Abby}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are no burden. Come here and write as much or as often as you like. I wish you didn't have to go through this emotional pain. I'm not sure what else to say but to remind you that you deserve to be better and to have a rich, full, happy life. I hope you'll keep looking until you find someone who helps you. It might take several tries, but be persistent until you are getting the treatment you need.

I can tell that you are a very compassionate, sensitive, intelligent girl. You're a wonderful person and I feel privileged to have the honor of talking to you here.

Take Care,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Thanks for all of your kind words. My sister has arranged a doctors appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I've written a letter and am taking some notes this time so that i don't clam up again! We'll see how that goes. I think i'm more calm about it now, less confused, i think i've finally accepted that whatever is happening to me i need some help with it. I'm more relaxed about it all now - i just need advice.
My parents have just had a nag at us all for bad attitudes and not pulling our weights. I don't know how many times i've had days like these, not being able to get through my mood and letting my parents and my family down as well. I can cope with quite well now though, i just have to listen to them, then kinda stop it getting through if you know what i mean. I'm not wanting to be mean to my parents but if i let it get to me everytime they complained about me not talking, or being aggressive or moody i'd doubt i'd ever get out of bed at all!!
My sister's not coping as well though, she has so much to think about and deal with. My parents were talking about us not supporting each other - if only they knew!! I almost wish i wasn't an extra stress to her, but then at the same time i'm glad as well because she has been so supportive to me.
Anyway, just wanted to keep you updated and thank you for everything. I'm not feeling as low anymore thankfully, getting there slowly. bye Abby.

Hi. I went to the doctors and started my speel of notes - you know what i'm like i can ramble for forever! And half-way through he asked me to stop, saying he'd got enough and that i had depression. It was wierdly relieving to hear this, especially after last time when i didn't feel listened to. But he said that he couldn't put me on prozac because i was going to India in a few weeks and he wouldn't be able to moniter me. He gave me some names of books to read etc but suggested that my time in India maybe what i need. I'm not totally sure about this, but it'll certainly get me out of the rut i'm in - so maybe he's right. He suggested as i'm leaving school etc i may be getting stressed etc but i tried to point i've been feeling like this for years. Anyway, so i have some books to read because he said his hands were tied by my trip to India. My sister doesn't want me to go because she's worried but i'm thinking it'll probably shake me out of it, or give me a new perspective. But this is now when i'm feeling good - things will be alot harder in India (more stress) and i can sometimes hardly cope here so i can't imagine what i'll be like out there. But then on the other hand - i've coped for this long haven't i?? I'll just stop everything getting through again - hopefully that way i'll have the strength to cope - numbness always the best option! The doctor said to come back after India if i felt no better. I just have no time for anything.
Also now i think that i have to tell my parents especially as my sister is going back to Uni. But i don't know, it's really scary. Plus my situation hasn't really changed - the doctor couldn't implement anything so i kinda feel out on my own again - if you know what i mean. It isn't his fault or anything but.....
He also asked me how i'd kill myself if i would want to kill myself. And i lied to him by saying i didn't really think about it - not really. And although i don't that much i have more recently. I doubt i could have answered his question anyway as i would never kill myself ever, but i feel alittle bad for playing it down slightly (not that much. just alittle). But my sister was in the room and was upset, what could i say without freaking her out. Besides it isn't that bad anyway.
Just thought i'd say thanks for all your advice, i know i will still be around (sorry!!). And if you have any more advice about how to tell people or the trip to India i'd much appreciated it. It's nice to have people to bounce ideas off - sorry these things are so mundane to you lot!
thankyou!! Abby.

hi abbey,
nice to meet you. a change of scenery may be just what you need. less time to reflect on the stresses that you have at home. what a wonderful thing it is that you get to go to india and experience a different culture. may i ask is it buisness or pleasure?
mystie

Hi Abby,
So glad to hear you gave the doctor another try!! And so glad he was better than the last. Good for you for taking that step! Just keep taking those little (although they don't FEEL little, I know!) steps and you will find your there is a way out from that darkness around you.

How long will you be in India? Could you possibly call your doctor from there so that he could monitor you while you take medication?

You wanted advice on "how to tell others" - are you wanting to let your parents know about the depression/doctors visit? Since you have been successful so far in sharing with others by writing it down and giving it to them, maybe you could do the same with them?

Good luck to you, Abby and keep posting!

Abby,

It sounds like it went a lot better this time. Yes, it can be a big relief to be told that you do have depression and are not just being silly or feeling sorry for yourself. What books did he give you to read? There are lots of good ones, and they do help. The problem with self-help books is that people read them and think that's a great idea, but then they don't follow what is in the books. It only works if you do it, but just make sure you take action and it should work.

Did he say anything about therapy?

How soon do you leave for India, and how long will you be there? I agree that the trip might be just what you need, even if you feel like you don't really want to go. If I only had a nickel for all the times when I wanted to do something, but then thought maybe I didn't really want to or didn't have the energy, or worried that it might not be as good as I wanted it to be, so I stayed home ..... A trip to India isn't something that just happens to you, so you must have wanted to do this or you wouldn't have made the arrangements, right? If you don't go I think you'll regret it.

So, now it seems that telling your parents about your depression looks like the next step? Writing a note helped you with the doctor - maybe the same thing will help you talk to your parents too. And having your sister's support will be invaluable. You could also share those books with them and talk about it. I do hope that your parents will be supportive and help you get better.

If you need more resources, I'm sure we could name lots of books and websites. You can search the web too. There was a website I found a few weeks ago and posted here, but I lost my bookmarks when my computer crashed. Maybe someone can help us find it and bump it back up to the top for you.

You never need to apologize for being here or for anything you write. You remind me so much of me when I was your age, and I'm very glad that you came here, and so glad if we are able to help you in any way.

Wendy



<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hi everyone - i just wanted to say a massive thank you!!!! Think of the most love and thankyou's, you'd ever want to receive and that is what i'm sending you - times 1000!!
I can't believe that in a matter of weeks i have gone from wondering if i was depressed or it was just me to being diagnosed with depression and telling my family. I never, ever imagined i would ever do this - and it is all thank to you guys!!
All your encouragment, wise words are helping me try and solve what is happening to me. I know it is still going to be an uphill battle but just knowing i have my family and you to talk to is the best thing imaginable!
I spoke to my family yesterday and my parents said that they had noticed "something" different with me in comparison to my other sisters since i was a little girl. They said that they had often talked about getting me outside help but had never done it (don't know why) and also that my uncle has depression. All these things that i didn't know - but now i do will help me so much.
I'm not saying i'll feel fine from now on because i know that's not possible but as you said i'm on the right track!
You are all amazing people - you're support has made my life so much easier to cope with!
Lots and lots of love Abby

ps - Repunzel - thank you so much for all your support, you have been amazing and i respect you so much. Your encouragment and understanding was part of the reason that i went to go and get help. Thank you - i wish you all the luck for the future.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!

Abby,

That's great! I'm so glad things are beginning to work out for you - it must have been such a relief to get such support from your family. That makes all the difference in the world, doesn't it?

As for the thanks, well........aw, shucks. Everyone here is so supportive...we really wanted things to work out for you and I know I'm not alone in saying that we are all so happy our small contributions and prayers helped in some way. And you know that if you ever have anymore questions or doubts or anything, you have hundreds of people who are your friends.

Have fun in India, woman! I am so jealous - what a cool place to visit.

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

Abby congratulations on this news, I am so glad this seems to be working well toward getting you the help you need. Having support of family is so important and I'm really glad that they understand and are willing to be supportive. The fact that your uncle also suffers will be an important bit of info for you and for your therapist. It helps toward understanding that depression is an illness and not a weakness when you realize there is a medical genetic link and often these illnesses occur for several family members.

If your family is willing you can show them the books the doc gave you so they can learn more about depression. There is also something that I wrote on depression available at http://www.idexter.com

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Abby}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(in case you haven't yet found out all the ways we say things on this board, that is a great big hug)

Yes, it sounds like you are on the right track. I am so happy for you!

All the best to you too! Don't be a stranger.


<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Abby- I went throught this for 2 years as a teenager, and never told anyone because I felt guilty about being depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I wish now that I had never let it go, that I had gotten help. I wonder how much of my life would have been different if I had persisted in getting the help I need. If your doc won't listen, try a teacher, a parent or go to the emergency room. You might even try writing a letter expressing your feelings and giving it to someone who can get help for you. Please persist in trying to get help now.

-Ariel

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe