So i went to the doctors - urgent reply needed

So i took your advice n went to the doctor today - after hours of diliberation, self-denial n confusion. N you know what? All i gained from the experience was a load of humiliation - that i really don't need right now. It was soooo awful - i just want to curl up n die when i think about it now. She didn't get it, i couldn't explain myself at all - i told her about my diary but she didn't ask to see it or anything. Which is stupid as i can't communicate what i'm feeling unless it's in a written form because it seems less personal - i hate personal. It was sooo embarrassing she was like " as you have no physical symptoms i doubt you have biological depression" - fine, fair enough - but what about my emotional pain??!! Doesn't that count for anything!! She pretended to know how i felt, she said "i'm not dismissing what you're saying or feeling but i remember what it was like at your age - i was shy n couldn't talk to boys". The annoying thing was was that she was only about 3 years older than me practically - it was sooo humiliating - being addressed to like that as if i was over-exaggerating. N i wasn't as usually i played everything so damn cool. What's [censored] wrong with me, i don't have depression - so how can i help myself. She focused so much on the social aspects though i was trying to tell her - that's not a problem i can pretend at that, my problem is how stupid n worthless i feel. Oh i'm such a prat - it's as if i need to have something wrong with me! She was all "talk to someone" n i was like "i can't!!". She dismissed me - i went away thinking "thanks for nothing". I can't be arsed with feeling like this anymore - i can't be bothered with coping. What's the [censored] point - i'm not happy, i'll never be happy, i will always pretend to be someone i'm not, i have noone to talk to, noone that understands me, noone that wants me - i'm going to go on pretending till it gets to much - then i'll have a mental breakdown or hurt someone. I was so humiliated i didn't explain to her any of my past - she didn't ask! - n i didn't even tell her that i was having these horrible thoughts. I could tell her on paper - but talking is sooo hard!! I Help ME!!!!!! What is happening, am i being a hypercondriacte - i'm super sensitive that's all - i hate being a teenager everything is put down to that!! Then again, maybe i am just being stupid, thinking my problems are worse that everyone elses. I hate being me - i'm tired of being me - i hate it all. I'm never going to open up to anyone again, i have never been so humiliated in all my life. I'm not ever going to the doctors again!! I'm just going to cope as usual - n hope for the best - even if there is no bloody hope!! What's the point - you guys - did you have to convince others that something was wrong - did they dismiss you!! I'm such a freak - i'm trying to hide behind depression - get over it Abby, you are nothing, you will never be anything, be happy n stop whallowing in self-pity. Write back soon please i need to talk! Abby

Hi Abby, and WELCOME to the forum!

It is awful when we feel like we haven't been 'heard'; haven't been able to get across to someone else, no matter how hard we tried, how we are feeling and the things that we are feeling...

I'm really sorry that you've had to experience that with this Dr.. Truly, though, your experience would likely be a lot better with another Dr. - one that is better able to work with different styles of communications and that knows how to put a person more at ease.

I'm sorry this Dr. didn't have those skills, but another one will so please don't give up, OK? Keep posting here, too, OK? Best regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Abby, I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. Some doctors! I swear!

Muster up the courage and call the office and ask if there is a therapist they can recommend to you. Some MDs are just in the dark about things like that. SHEESH!

Keep trying! Don't give up!






Wise men still seek Him.

Abby,
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now. It's such an awful place to be. I have to agree regarding the doctor, I think you can find better doctors that will be willing to listen to you. Please don't give up because of one bad doctor.

Yes, teeenage years are troublesome. They invloved shyness, uncertainty, being hormonal and emotional, feeling like you don't fit in, etc. However, I dont' recall ever feeling "worthless" - even with the crappy life I've had. It seems you possibly do suffer from depression - it's certainly not unheard of in teenagers. The fact that you came here probably means you know something is wrong - that what you feel might not be "normal" feelings of sadness.

Here is the advice I would offer - you need to speak to a counselor. I understand it is difficult for you, believe me it is not easy for anyone really. You will be amazed at the difference it can make! Also, maybe if the counselor deems you as suffering from clinical depression, you will feel more validated, more confident to go to another doctor and ask for the prescription. At that point, all you would have to say is "My counselor advised me I need medication because I am suffering from depression".

Ok, so on to the counselor...you have trouble talking to people when it's "personal". How about this? - you write down the feelings you are having, tell the counselor it's difficult for you to talk about them, and hand her/him the paper and have them read it. Then, they could give you feedback and ask questions. I think you would feel more at ease if you "got it all out" on paper, then sort of worked your way into the conversation. I know that may sound silly, but I have been to and known many counselors, and I dont' know of one that wouldn't respect that. There are certain things I've had to give a counselor to read because it was too painful for me to say it or read it myself, and they were very understanding of that.

Well, I hope I have been helpful to you in some way. Please hang in there and don't give up!

ABBY
No don't give up, There sounds to be somthing wrong, your Doc. is only comparing you to her and that is NOT RIGHT.
You need to find someone who spceialises in this area, a lot of family doc's don't get it.
Bringing your journal is the best way for you to let someone who knows what they are doing know how you feel. I always used my journal in Therapy because I could not express myself any other way.
There are many proffec's in this area who know what they are doing.
If your feeling something is wrong then something is wrong, don't let denial get in your way.
The Doc you saw is bad and not open to learning how you are, get away from her she will only make you worse.I wouldn't even ask her for a refferal because she does not believe you and will probably have a hard time with refering you to someone else.
Hang on, keep trying, sometime people don't believe that young people can ever get depressed, and that they have nothing to be depressed about. THAT IS SO WRONG!!!!!
Take Care and let us know how you are doing o-kay.
Your in my thoughts.

Abby, I am sorry that doctor was so unhelpful. I had a "conversation" with a doctor who sounded a lot like the one you saw ... all I can say is that some doctors really suck, but please don't give up! I did get a referral from that doctor, but, in retrospect, I would have better walking straight out of his office and never going back. There are good doctors out there, who will actually listen to you and believe you! Please post again and let us know how you are doing.

Welcome to the forum!

Take care,
Fuzzy

One word: Persevere!

The advice about writing it down is great. You can write it as a letter, or a script you can read.

If you go back to the same person, give them some feedback about how you feel they are misperceiving you.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

Abby,

Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you found us. A lot of good advice and input you've gotten from the others, but the best is to keep on trying to find a doctor or therapist that you are in tune with. You can't give up on this Abby, this your life and you deserve the best there is out there. I got lucky and found a good therapist the first time, but if he wouldn't have been acting in my best interests, I would have found someone else in a heartbeat. Just like in any profession, Mental Health has good doctors, and really bad ones. But if you give up on finding a doctor who's good for you, then in my opinion you're giving up on you. I hope you don't do that.

All my best wishes,
bp

"When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."

Hello Abby,

First of all welcome to the forum. You have came to the right place for good advice.

I'm sorry to hear of you negative doc experience. I have been to my share of "nazi-dictater" type Docs, they can be closed minded and can't be convinced that they are wrong. So for me finding the right Doc has been like shopping for special clothes, you try em on and if one isnt right, just keep looking untill you find "the one" . Good luck in your search.

Take care, kris

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Abby,
honey you did not need that.. My opion would be get a second doctor one that will listen and one that will read your Dairy,, 'Therapist will do that. she can referre you to one, or you can go out on your own and get that help ..

I am not understanding what is deperssion you. I may have missed something I tend to do that a lot latey..

Talk to us on here and we will all try to help you as much as possible.

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

{{{{{{{{Abby}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry about how you were treated by your doctor. Please don't give up though. There are so many good ones out there. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing ok?


Heather

Abby,

I'm sorry you had that experience. You didn't need that. Unfortunately, it sounds all too familiar. I couldn't get anybody to take me seriously either, and it took me way too long before I found the right therapist. But I was hoping that your doctor would listen to you. If you feel like something is wrong, there probably is - nobody knows you better than you do. I hope you will try again - maybe you would do better to talk to a counselor.

You said that you can't say all the things that are bothering you, but you can write it down. Go ahead and write it down and give them the letter. That was what I had to do too, as I just couldn't get the words to come out when I was sitting there talking to someone, even after finding the right counselor and getting over being so nervous about it. I still write things that are too hard to say out loud or that I might forget.

I hope that you will try again. Come here and talk to us whenever you like.
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-Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Thanks for you kindness. But i don't think i can ever go again n get help - it cause me too much pain before n after n it really isn't worth it. I'd rather try n cope. It's not worth it coz it sent me spirraling down, i've been in bed for hours now n have only just got up. I just had a song on repeat n was just staring into nothingness. My parents, were angry n concerned but i couldn't do anything to stop their discomfort. I need to be alone, to sort myself out. I don't even feel as if i have the right to write this here, but you guys are my last thread of sanity. I haven't eaten since 8 last night, n then i just forced it down coz i thought i should. I'm hungry but i can't be bothered to eat - it won't help. I know this sounds stupid n pathetic n completely over-reacting n up my self but i started hitting myself last night and i've been thinking about cutting myself. I've heard it around n it seems to help people cope. But i'm scared at the moment, i know these feelings are wrong but it might stop me feeling so useless as if i have nothing to do that will help me, it might be something i can control. I'm sorry, i shouldn't be telling you this, i'm over-reacting as usual but i feel as if i need to tell someone. My family thinks that i'm a moody person now because of this morning n afternoon, so now i have all that negative emotion to deal with beside my own. What's worse is that i have to go from feeling down (from one of the worst days i've ever had!) to pretending to be happy by tommorow coz it's Christmas Eve n i don't want to ruin everyones Christmas. If i had to carry that guilt around as well......
I have to go out in a minute, i don't want to but my friends are meeting up n as always i couldn't be bothered to explain how i'm feeling or make up an excuse not to go so i have to get myself up and "happy!!" again. I'm sorry i'm always moaning, i wish i wasn't, i wish i don't have this confusion, this lonliness, this bruden to carry around. Oh, there i go again, making it sound as if i'm the most hard done by person that exsists! How pathetic n self-absorbed am I!! Sorry to all you guys that are dealing with depression, n have to listen to me moan continuously about nothing. I'll cope somehow.

Abby, believe me when I say that it's the depression lying to you! All of the bad feelings and thoughts you are having are nothing buy lies!

Your road to recovery isn't going to be easy. It's going to be tough, but it will be worth every step you take!

Please don't let the depression monter contol you. YOU control it. Start by not believing what it's telling you right now. One stupid, misunderstanding doctor doesn't make them all the same way. Like I said before, find a therapist! They'll know and understand what you're talking about.

Many of us have been where you are now and we didn't give up. Please keep trying!






Wise men still seek Him.

>>it cause me too much pain before n after n it really isn't worth it.

Abby I am so sorry you had a bad experience. Of course the visit "wasn't worth it" because it didn't help and made you feel worse. But that was because of the doctor, not because of you. You have to have some hope that with the right doctor, it will be worth it. I think it would be worth it if you could be happier at some point. Finding the right doctor may be the only way to get there. Coping with it yourself might get you through without it ever getting better. But it can be better and you have to hope for that and work toward that.

>>i started hitting myself last night and i've been thinking about cutting myself.

There are lots of coping skills. Some people use relaxation tecniques, or find hobbies like gardening. Some people cut themselves or drink alcohol. I think it is clear that while there are many forms of coping skills, not all of them are healthy coping skills. Some can help you get through the bad periods. Some make you feel better for awhile, but you end up much worse off in the long run. If you find the right doctor, one of the things they can do is work with you to find coping skills that are EFFECTIVE for you but that are not DESTRUCTIVE. If you can hold some hope that that is possible, then I hope you think it would be worth it to find some things that can make you feel better without hurting yourself.

The key there is that I said "if you can hold hope" and that is the hardest part of depression. I can't emphasize enough what SeptMorn said... the depression lies to you, makes you feel worthless, makes you feel hopeless. These things are not true, they are symptoms of the illness of depression! If you can try to remember that and trust us in that, then please keep trying to get help even if right now you feel it is hopeless.

Please try to find another doctor. There are idiots in all areas of life, and doctors are just people. This one was either an idiot or at the least not properly trained. Please try again and keep trying until you find someone who can help. It may be painful for awhile but the reward of a happier future will be worth it. I agree with writing it out, find someone who will accept that it is difficult for you to talk and will read. It is important to establish a trust with the doctor and a good doctor will understand that and work to gain your trust so that they can help you. They won't "dismiss" you. Maybe you can talk to someone and get a recommendation. Try your local hospital and see if someone there can recommed someone they think is good.

There are some tips concerning finding a therapist at http://www.idexter.com

Abby,

Do your parents know about the doctor visit, and that you went because of depression and that the doctor wasn't helpful? I know it's hard to talk to parents about it, but they will probably understand better than you think they will. Another thing you could do is talk to someone at school like a school counselor or school nurse. And write it down, or take your journal with you and ask them to read some of it.

Having good coping skills and being able to convince people that you are happy and fine when you don't feel that way can be a good thing because there are times when you need to be able to socialize even when you don't feel like it, and it's hard for people to want to be around you if you are acting depressed. But the other side of it is that having such good coping skills and convincing everyone that you are okay also keeps you from getting the help that you need. On one hand, sometimes it is a good idea to "fake it until you make it," and getting out and doing things will help you feel better. But maybe you need to stop acting sometimes and let your parents or someone see how you are really doing. I'm a little confused myself right now since I know you can cope and you can get by and never let anyone know that there is anything wrong, and through most of history that is just what we would have to do because there just wasn't time to stop and worry about our feelings. Even though depression is a real problem, dwelling on it makes it worse and getting out and living your life in spite of it makes it better. But we do have treatment available such as counseling and/or medication, and you should have access to treatment if you need it. The sooner you are able to work through it, the more chance you have for a better life. You shouldn't have to wait for it to get bad before getting help.

It's your choice of course, and your life, but I still would advise you not to give up on getting help just because of one doctor who was insensitive. It isn't easy to talk about, and it's even harder when people don't listen to you, but the harder you try the sooner you will feel better. I hope that you will take care of yourself and not get into the bad habits that I did - those things may seem to help at the moment, but they only make it worse. Tell someone that you feel like hurting yourself and that you don't want to make the problem worse than it is, but that you need help to keep that from happening. If you get started with those bad habits it will be so much harder to stop several years down the road after it has become established behavior for you, than if you don't get started now.

You are always welcome to come here and talk.

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Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hun, everything that you just said is how I have felt since I was like 12. I didn't tell anyone, I just wrote a note to my friend about how I was going to kill myself, well she freaked, and then my parents and the school, and all these people got involved. Well, they sent me to this hospital, and they wanted me to stay there, they kept asking if I would be "safe" when I left. I said yeah, and I was, I just wanted out. I went to counseling, but it didn't help, so I stopped going. Come 9th grade I did have a break down, and ended up in the hospital....same one they'd tried to put me in a couple of years before. I came out of the hospital, not really any better, but I just wanted out of that place. Anyway, I went back to pretending, just like you said. Pretending to have friends, a life, that I cared. Which I didn't. I got into drugs, and drinking, and other bad stuff. Then after my sophomore year I moved like a thousand miles away from where I was, and had another breakdown and ended up in the hospital again. Well, after the second time, i actually got better. I stayed better for about 2 years. However, about a week or so ago, I started to be not so much better. I guess all the crap that had been going on, just finally got to me. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I know how you feel. I know what it is to pretend to be ok. I know that it sucks, and how it is to hate yourself. Been there, done that, still doing it. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that you are not alone.

<font color=green>I smile because I have no idea what's going on.</font color=green>

Thanks again - it's so nice to have this much support and understanding! I look forward to seeing what you all have to say - it is just so nice to be able to say stuff that i've been needing to say for ages and get advice but not go through all the consquences of telling people out here (i haven't told my parents about the doctors trip - i would have if it had been anything but now there isn't much point - plus it's too hard). And anyway, I'm feeling so much better now, it seems as if it was all a dream. I'm still embarassed about telling my doctor because it's probably just the usual teenage stuff of not fitting in but now it's on my permanent records - but i'm sure i'll get over it in time. I'm feeling so much better because i have you guys to talk to and other "virtual people". Getting it out into the "open" is so theraputic n helps me bounce ideas off people n put things into perspective. I had a nice Christmas, felt lonely in the morning and slightly reclusive n i'm sorry but i used sissors to scratch myself - but i won't do it again, it was just that curiosity got the better of me. It's nothing!
So anyway, i will keep on visiting this site n asking questions n sharing now and then but for now i'm happy again - i'm feeling excitment about going out with my friends - which makes me feel fab. Thank you all so much for your time, consideration and advice - you have helped me more than you can imagine! Hope you all had a nice Christmas and that the New Year brings you the happiness you all deserve! Love Abby.

Hi. Please don't think your trip to the physician was totally worthless... even though the emotional needs weren't filled, finding out there is nothing notably, physically wrong is good. Any real therapist you do see now will want to know that, that there isn't any underlying physical problem to speak of. With that said, depression IS a physical problem! It's brain chemistry though and not the same as say, thyroid problem. The attitude your physician gave you is HER problem, not yours. You need to continue in spite of her response. And finding another helper, as a teenager, is not easy. You don't have full control of your life and who you contact etc., and those who do, well, you have trouble communicating with. They might even be a part of your problem. Wanting to self injure is a crisis time. Your talk now of how you feel ok is also evidence that you need help outside of yourself. You might be something like bipolar... which just means you have really high highs and low lows.. it is pretty much "fixable" with medications.. a psychiatrist specializes in those type of medications. BUT few psychiatrists today do counselling... so you might also need someone you can trust to counsel you, a clinical psychologist maybe. The suggestion of using your school counselor is a good one. They can become your "advocate" for further treatment... a "liaison" between you and your parents, who must provide the financial support you probably need. Please remember you are not alone... even when you feel that way... and even when you KNOW you are... you are NOT ALONE... there are many ppl here to help you remember your path. Please continue to search for what is in YOUR BEST INTEREST. ;}

Hi again. Sorry i seem to be writing here all the time and not leaving much room for anyone else - sorry! mmm... anyway, don't really know why i'm writing here, guess it's nice to tell someone how i'm feeling and how the day has been. I'm slightly addicted to writing in my diary now so it's not just here that i'm going to the excess! Everytime i have a thought or feeling i need to write it down - in case i forget it - probably not the best thing to do but at least it gets it out of my head and allows me to deal with the next lot of stuff. It's funny i've been feeling good and feeling down alot recently (it's not bipolar - i don't feel that good!!). The night before last i cried myself to sleep again, i felt so bad, like a reject but it finally allowed me to succinctly summarise my life. Like an uphill climb of Mount Everest. Sometimes i can see the top but at others i'm too busy fighting my way up to notice anything at all. Stupid isn't it!
Today i feel fine again - i've made a plan. Everytime i feel lonely i'm going to call someone up (even if they dont help me) and everytime i don't feel like going out i'm going to force myself to do one small thing. I'm going to try and take control for once. However, i know this isn't going to be easy because i sometimes hate having to go out, it's just so easy to sit at home, it's always the same and comfortable. Do you like my plan? I'm quite pleased especially if it helps me not feel so bad sometimes and as if i have no life. Plus it might take my mind of things, stop me over-analysing!
About that clinical psychologist thing, my sister has gratuated from Oxford in psychology n wants to be one of these. I have thought about telling her what i feel like sometimes, but i'm scared of the reaction, especially when she can't really help me that much. Plus she might force me to divulge too much n i would feel as if i was being watched all the time. Mmmmm, don't know, might try "my plan" first.
Oh, by the way found this great quote that summerises my life perfectly and might be nice for some of you too(?)

"This time it's over, I'm keeping my heart ,I'm gonna be strong & not fall apart .. It'll get better, I'll no longer cry.. In a couple of weeks, I wont want 2 die, I won't want 2 go back, I'll be able 2 sleep, It won't hurt so bad, & it won't feel so deep."

Good isn't? I've put it on my wall - encourages me and reminds me.
Good Luck. Lots of love Abby.

Abby!

First of all post here as much as you want! It is not like we're gonna run out of paper in cyberspace <g>. We all like reading the experiences of others and helping when we can.

Second, keeping a journal certainly is one of the best things that you can do. It helps to get it out, it helps keep a record that you can look back on and see how you are doing, it will help you remember your thoughts if you do find a good therapist. Most therapists I've heard of recommend keeping a journal for many reasons. Who knows, someday you may get a book out of it! (Of course it can remain private forever if you so choose.)

Trying to get out is also a good idea. Please keep an open mind for therapy though, in case it gets hard to get out as some point. If it gets worse that might be a sign that something else is going on.

As I said in another post, there are a lot of different types of coping skills. Not all of them are good coping skills. Self medicating will cause more problems in the long run for example. Keeping a journal and trying to get out and to call people are excellent ideas.

As for bipolar also keep in mind that there is a type of bipolar (i think it is called "type 2 bipolar?") where the manic phases aren't all that high. The person just fluctuates between a deep depression and a phase of slight elevation but doesn't ever reach the real no-sleep-high-energy-can-do-anything high that is usually associated with bipolar. If the fluctuations keep continuing it would still be a good idea to get it checked out.

Finally, your sister studying psychology is a good thing if only because it gives you more options. You will have to be the judge. On the one hand it may be easier to talk to her than a stranger, and having had training, she will be more likely to understand what you are going through. You might feel, though, that telling her might open a can of worms with your family. You'll have to judge if she will keep it a secret if you ask her to. Even if you decide not to talk to her, she'll always be there as an option if you change your mind. If you decide at some point to find a therapist on your own you also might consider telling your sister just to have an understanding ear in the family. You'll also have to judge how understanding she will be, some people just "don't get it" when dealing with personal friends or family members. That's why doctors shouldn't treat members of their family.

Good luck and please keep posting here, no worries! That's what this place is for.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Abby, I like your plan. And talking to your sister is a good idea too. Remember, we're always here and you can talk to us as much as you want to. Don't worry about filling up all the space - what you write doesn't keep anyone else from having plenty of space too. I'm so glad that you are feeling better.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hi Abby,
No need to apologize for posting, that's what this forum is for! It always helps to "get it out", whether it is on paper or talking to people, or "cyber talking". Glad you are feeling better. Your climb to Mount Everest is quite a fitting analogy! It certainly does feel like an uphill battle most of the time. I do like your plan - support from others is crucial when you feel so down. I also like your quote - may I ask where you found it? I think most of us here can identify with that quote!

Sorry, it's me again. And i don't know how to say this but i cut myself again tonight and this time i was bleeding. I'm not saying this in a dramatic way at all - so please don't think i'm a drama queen. I feel like a fool enough already. I promised myself i would never hurt myself again, i really thought i wouldn't but i couldn't help myself. I feel so stupid now. And i didn't even help the one person i wanted to. It all started with some argument over a scarf. But the thing is the argument didn't annoy me, i wasn't angry with anyone by the end but my mood took grip of me and i spent the rest of the time feeling so low. Everyone thought i was being an idiot which i was but i couldn't get myself out of it. But the worst thing though is that i came home and my little sister came in to show off her new hairstyle and i was too busy whallowing in self-pity to notice!! I hurt her, and i felt as if i could do nothing to rectify the problem. I was so preoccupied that i couldn't just simply go to her room and be nice to her and compliment her. I had no energy and was too busy being self-absorbed as per usual. I felt like such a loser, that my whole life is filled with regret, confusion, pain, self-doubt. "my sister is upset because of me, all me! This is so crap and every other bad word under the sun!". I cut myself because i couldn't get the words to explain myself, there was no other way of communicating how i felt. I'm such an idiot - n please don't try to deny this because you really don't know me - one minute i was writing in my diary the next i had gone all the way downstairs to get the sissors to cut myself. I was just so angry, not at anyone else but myself! I didn't think you could be angry with yourself! I don't understand any of this, now i feel ok again. How can you plunge so deep and then be fine the next second? I hope i'm not one of these people that need attention 24/7 because i hate people like that but i'm starting to think i am. I mean what kind of a person hurts themselves - a wierdo! What's worse is that i've just talked to my sister and she's fine, normal, i don't think i hurt her that bad yet i felt sooo guilty!
Furthermore, since i'm here, i know you always tell me that the depression is lying to me but is it really?? I mean how can the words i think and write that are so full of hatred and come so easily come from depression - i mean my mind has no time to alter anything before i write it down but it's not as if the depression is a person telling me exactly what to think! I don't understand, i know it's alittle wrong to hate yourself so much but the depression can't influence what i think about myself can it. How does it do that? How can chemical imbalances if that's what it is, form words in your head - it must be me surely??
Sorry for ranting and questioning again - i bet you all wish i'd never found this forum now!! And sorry for apologising because i know this isn't what you actually think - oh i dont know! Sorry if any of this sounds daft. Abby

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Abby,

Yes, the depression is lying to you. I know that it is hard to believe it because your feelings are real to you, even if you do know deep inside yourself that you are an intelligent, caring person who does not deserve all this guilt. Try this - imagine that you got a new haircut and someone didn't notice it because they had their own problems at the moment and were focused inward. Would you be so hurt by it that you would want them to be physically punished to the point of bleeding? I didn't think so. You don't deserve that either. We tend to expect ourselves to be better than we expect other people to be, even to the point of expecting ourselves to be perfect. Why should we hold ourselves to such a higher standard than we would anyone else? It isn't fair. It's a lie, isn't it?

We don't know if the chemical imbalance causes the depression symptoms - thoughts and feelings - or if it is the other way around, but we do have effective treatment available for it. You deserve better. And it's so much easier to get treatment and stop now than to wait until it gets worse.

You wouldn't be here if you didn't have a need to be. Please talk to someone about what is going on and how you feel. Write it down - that way is easier - I know if I don't write down things like this when I actually sit down to tell someone about it I will gloss over part of it or forget to mention details that are important.

Something about you really tugs at my heart - I think it is that the feelings you describe have been mine too.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>