The doors are closing

Alright, I need to write all this down somewhere to get it off my shoulders, but here's where I let you guys know that no matter how dark this gets, it's not a suicidal post so you can leave it here.

Recently I visited the town I grew up in, took in the old memories of everything and evaluated what might have stuck me where I am today, in my dark place. I realized that I hated that town, and though there may have been a good memory here and there, the bad ones are larger in individual density, and volume.

Then I got back to my current location, away from stupid Hickville, in the city. I feel differently about where I am now. I hate it here. Oh wait, that's the same... no, there are just different reasons why life tortures me here.

Anyway that's just a stupid side story, not the whole thing about why I feel like there's no way out of my sadness and despair. In combination with the fact that I've become a disingenuous person, various circumstances relating to my location and current situation are just ruining my life.

I looked back a long way on my trip, all the way to my childhood. Mainly when I passed by my school, that's when things hit me. It didn't mean anything to me that my teachers told my family that I was the smartest math student they had ever encountered... nobody liked me. I would look in the mirror, and see someone that didn't seem to have a flaw in appearance, I acted like myself and tried not to care what other peoiple thought, I just didn't fit in for some reason.

Then I grew up. People started to realize that the small town football players that put me down all the time were going to end up worthless people. I lost my virginity to the first girl who ever gave me recognition past being the guy who you should go to in math class. I started realizing I could use the various things that I had going for me to advance myself. I was good with words, I could make people do what I wanted if I just played my cards right. If someone bothered me (this is one I learned a lot earlier), I could make them feel stupid. I realized that I knew how to act the "right" way, and say the "right" things. So I started doing it.

I'm not the nerd who grew out of it, I'm the one who realized how to be a disingenuous jerk to mask my insecurities. And now, I have no real friends. I've realized that I can't function socially. I use a few superficial things that worked out for me, I use them to advance myself, to get by in a world where social acceptance seems so necessary.

I don't like these people though. I hate the associations I've made with others. I've told women I love them, sometimes knowing and other times not knowing that it wasn't true. I've gone out to dinner with people I couldn't care less about, but at least I did something that night instead of sitting at home being pathetic.

I must sound like a really nice guy, right? You better have sensed the sarcasm there. I've realized though, it's not that I have all these terrible intentions. It's that I can't make myself comfortable, I"ve realized I'll never have what I want. I've started crying nightly because I can have stupid flings left and right just because of my status, but I've figured out whom I love, and that she's the one girl I'll never have. The family hates me without knowing me, she's too young, I'm too much of an antisocial, type B jackass. I'm not a jerk, I'm just confused to the point where it would be easier to end it all if I had the audacity (which I sure as hell don't.

I hope someone is going to give enough of a crap to read all this, I really need some help from any of you who will offer it. I feel like people have used and abused me my entire life, and I'm not following any lame "golden rule," I just learned over time to do it right back.

And now, my current status:

Again, I'm in love with someone I can't have. Every second I'm around her I feel like for once I'm acting natural, and that maybe she likes me for who I am, if I even know who I am anymore. But, here we go again, she's already attached, to someone different than me. Someone people accept, someone her family approves of. and she doesn't have to deal with all the time. She's the amazing friend that's willing to deal with me. When I go on a drinking binge she'll listen to the resultant stupidity and try to make me get my act together. When I get out of a relationship I didn't want to be in, she'll tell me it wasn't my fault. When something good happens to me, she'll say she's not surprised, and she'll remind me that she told me it would work out eventually.

Why am I talking about her so fondly though, it's never going to happen. We're not star-crossed. We're two electrons (except she doesn't seem negatively charged), and it would take me an amount of energy I can't absorb to share even the same shell with her, the same degree of perfection she is. We repel each other by all the laws, and I'll never have her. I can't be happy. When I reach for her I'm just short of anything happening. And she scares me to death, I don't think I deserve anything like her.

So there you go, until the circumstances allow us to show our feelings, I'll be without a lover. Now what about friends? I don't have any real ones. There are two sets of people, and A(intersect)B is congruent to the null set. Set A are people who tolerate me; set B are people who I can tolerate.

I feel like I don't belong here. No one accepts me, and though I know some ways I could be happy, it's impossible to make them work and the sacrifices I'd have to make would just make me unhappy again. It seems that nothing will ever work out. I wasn't happy where I grew up, and I'm not happy where I am now. I'm not happy with the people I used to know, nor the ones I'm burdened with now.

Now before you guys say that it might be a good idea for me to tell people my feelings, I'll tell you the results I've seen there. Anytime I just let loose, I act like my depressed self and tell people what's going on... that's when I lose even the people I'm friends with on a shallow level. "Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out," don't even bother listening to the song, the title says it all. People don't care about me. I'm well recognized among others because of the skills I possess, and other positive traits I supposedly have, but nothing important. Nobody ever says I'm a nice guy or I'm their close friend. I'm distanced from the world, alone, and sad.

I just feel like this is it. I've had one chance to shape the person I was born as into a person like everyone else, someone who could if not succeed in the world, at least get through it. I failed though, I feel like it's over. Take the unalienable rights of an American for example... "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

I've given up on life, my life is terrible. I have no liberty, I gave it up to fit in with the rest of the people who define which use of liberty will gain one social acceptance. As for pursuing happiness, I tripped and fell long ago, and if I ever get up again I'm hoping I can at least cross the finish line beside stoicism.

This is ridiculous. I've become some kind of freak, a depressed loser that no one else wants to deal with. Unloved by those I seek love from, talked about behind my back by those whom I thought respected, and generally spurned by anyone or anything I think might make things work for me.

What's my one virtue you ask? Doesn't seem like I have any. Well, how's this? I'm enough of a coward not to end this right now. I'll still be here tomorrow, I made it through New Year's Eve despite the very attractive thing that's common on that day. Again, I'm too much of a coward to bother with it so that's why I got to post this. Well, despite the anger inside me right now that I want to release, I'd prefer not to be accused of crossing the line here so I'm going to stop before I say anything against policies.

Well... a response would be nice.

I don't understand why people won't talk to me. Everyone is responding to other threads. Am I that lame?

Hello. I'll be completely frank: I started readng your post but I was discouraged by the lenght... I think that also applies to othe members.... I hate to sound cinical, but one sees that long speech and sys to himself: "I'll read it when I have more time, maybe tomorrow..."

Removed per member's request.

I read it all and I care. You're hard on yourself and you have at least one real world person who cares about you. This forum is a good place to practice having friends. It's a good place to come when the world gets us down.

It appears that you and I have some very similar life characteristics. As far as the social thing. And self persona.
I used to let it get me down for a long time. But being different no matter how great or small is not a bad thing. So you're a diamond in the rough. So what!, don't be one of those regular people who have real insecurities and want's to be like everyone else who is really a nobody inside.
There's nothing wrong with being your own person, not a damn thing wrong with it. It's just socially drilled into our brains that we need social interaction with others to survive, no matter how superficial it may be. People are not raised on their own thoughts any more. It's all from hear-say or the boob tube!
As far as the girl you believe you'll never have. Your insecurities are probably scaring her away. You can't take care of others until you learn to take care of yourself. Just be yourself. And even you think or believe you don't know who that is. Just live life! Do whatever makes you happy, then you'll be ready to make other people happy.

Hi. I think you are way too hard on yourself. It seems your thinking has gone into overdrive and you have chosen to focus on the negative in your life. And don't be so sure that all those people in your life "that fit in" as oppose to what you feel about yourself("you don't fit in"), actually feel that they are "whole" , "happy", "successful".....I'm personally non of these things completely....NO ONE IS!! This thread reminds me of when I was younger......My thinking went like this....
**I'll be happy when I graduate high school....was I?>>>NO
**I"ll be happy when I graduate from college...was I?>>>NO
**I'll be happy when I find the right guy....was I?>>>No
**I"ll be happy when I have kids.....was I?>>No
**I'll be happy when my kids get a bit older so I can have more time for me....was I?....NO............
But I came to the realization that happiness are just "moments".....throughout my life I have had these "moments"...interpersed with sadness, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, boredom.

Hey,
Just so you know i took the time to read all of this and i even came online to reply to you. I like it when people post a real meaty post i think it gives people the chance to really understand.
Having said that i'm worried that you may think my reply isn't much use. I'm not much good at replying but i'm pretty ok at listening and sometimes thats what you really need, someone to bounce ideas off, someone to care.
To be honest it seems to me that you have a good understanding of your problems and where they stem from. Your post though has a lot of self loathing...it makes me wonder if the way you may speak to others sometimes you are directing at yourself 24/7. That's a heavy weight to carry. Sometimes i do wonder too, if the start of forming meaningful friendships and relationships starts with us. I mean who is going to love us if we don't really love ourselves? I don't think you need to express your feeling to anyone else but i do think you need to sit down and give yourself a break. When you were younger you did what you had to do to get through (we all do that in our own ways) but you don't need to do that anymore. I don't know where you got the idea from that everyone is the same except you...my difficulty is that everyone is sooo different i am completely confused by it all!!
Your post had an overtone of souding lost. It seems that finally all your acting has left you exhausted and going back to your home town has led you to actually sit down and evaluate your life. You said there are ways you could be happy but the price is too high? Why do you think that?
You have not been given one chance - the more time you spend on this site, the more you will realise this...if anything this one post is the start of giving yourself the liberty to have another chance. But noone is going to be able to change you except you. If you feel stuck in a rut then you need to challenge yourself (of course this is difficult when we are stuck in depression so i do sympathise), could you put yourself in different situations - situations where you don't know anyone, an hour or two to try out being the person you are when you are with your 'friend'? Because that person is in there, he just doesn't get the opportunity to come out much.

You do sound like a nice guy actually, but also very angry, lost and hopeless one too.
I hope this post has been able to show that i do care. Look around this forum, everyone on here is totally different from the next person. We all have our problems but we help others when they need support and lean on them when we're feeling too exhausted. I really hope that you stay around and get the chance to meet some of us.

ps - i loved you maths and physics analogys

sorry in the delay in writing, i was going thru emotional upheaval for a few there. phew!! made it

Bluesguy you are smart, articulate, bright, and hurting. I hear a lot of what you said in me. I was smart, a nerd in school and friends with every social group. I moved, and became a loner. I lost something in me. After marrying a jerk (my ex) at 18 and spending more than 12 yrs in hell, I have no friends outside this house. I found a hubby online whom is smart, witty, a hard worker, funny and dark. He has his moments too, so not everything is rosy 24/7. It can't be.

We are human. We walk a lonely broken road filled with dead ends and hidden traps and treasures. Sometimes we set the trap ourselves to catch someone else only to have it backfire. A treasure are those special moments in a long life that make a day lighter when thought about. As humans we err. OO I get to use my quote again: to err is human, to forgive divine. If you arent happy then you and only you can do soemthing about it.

You need to make a POA (plan of action) and the serenity prayer. List things you can change, moving, new job, new set of friends, a support group, depression group (you did AWESOME by coming here) and what have you.

Make a list of things you know are unchangeable (things from your past, medical history, family, etc)

Once you see the things you can do, get up dust off and TRY TRY TRY again. You can do it and have a modicum of peace just knowing you are proactive in your pursuit to fulfill your destiny!!!

Talk, yell rant and rave, then PM someone if you need to finish getting it all out of system. There are so many good ppl here. I have fallen in love with everyone!!! You sure ended up on the doorstep to a great experience (if you believe and TRY)!!!!

So....scary huh?? YOU can do it!!!!!!!!!!! Need help. Ask. Need to talk. Talk. Make a friend> You have but to choose. You can be fake, but if you want the truer self, find it in your writing and dealing with us. I am sure you can do it.

HUGSSSS!!!!!
Melanie

hey bluesguy, i read your post (yes, in it's entirety) and then went on to read the other posts you've put up since joining. I understand your impatience at not getting a response immediately...feels like another rejection. it's funny i could tell a lot about where you're at by the 2 posts you did right after the main one. What i sense is that you need to take the time to really get to know people, beneath the surface. To find real, genuine people who you can really connect with. Being on a site like this is a good start. Perhaps therapy would help too as you get to discuss the undercurrents of life and not get caught up having to be so superficial with the people you work with or know on a daily basis. You sound like you yearn for a specfic kind of closeness but ask yourself if you are open enough to go for it...you might find that you've got your defenses up pretty strong and don't let real people in. I wish I knew better what to say to help you. Spend some time and get to know a few select people on this site. Read about them, and then share about yourself back. It takes time and work to get in deeply with someone but you are defitely at a great place here to do just that. It's too bad you are not online or else I'd PM you to say hello. perhaps talking in real time is something you need now as it gives you the immediacy of a response as opposed to posting and then waiting to see if anyone took the time to read. I hope you will spend some more time on here and give it a fighting chance...the happiness you feel while on alcohol isn't true happiness but you already know that I'm sure.

Hey Bluesguy,

PC hates me today, I hit the backspace button and instead of correcting my typo, it kicked me off PC entirely, then I couldn’t remember where you posted and had to look at all Mrs’ posts to find it again. I’m glad that your able to get it all off your chest and I hope it made you feel better. So here’s my two cents, a lot of clichés I know but that doesn’t make it any less relevant.

I don’t know of anyone that can go back “home” without the skeletons from the closet rattling. It’s just a fact of life, there’s good and bad everywhere. Every place you live will have advantages and disadvantages, every job you work there’ll be the *** that gets all the perks and does the least amount of work.

Growing up is hard. For the life of me I CANNOT understand why anyone ever said that your teenage years are the best of you life, because I have never met anyone that didn’t have issues to deal with growing up.

In my opinion, the source of a lot of your problems is that you’re not comfortable with you. Until you are, nothing is going to go right. You will never have a healthy relationship until you’re able to appreciate yourself and value what you can bring to the relationship.

Are you chasing these girls that are unattainable because you don’t think you deserve a nice, decent girl of your own. For every positive point you buried in your post you listed 10 bad ones. Life is an ever changing process you didn’t miss your chance to form your personality, you do that every second of every day, with every decision you make.

The only person on the planet that can defeat you and beat you down is the one that looks back at you from the mirror. You and he need to come to an agreement and make friends. If you can’t do that on your own, think about therapy.

Your virtues my dear are that you’re introspective, intelligent, and courageous. Dying is easy, it’s living that hard!

The mom in me is compelled to point out that self-medication via drugs and or alcohol only makes your depression worse. You’ll never find a good answer at the bottle of a bottle, just a rotten worm.

Nothing worthwhile is easy! Take the first step contact a doctor to get your depression under control. With a chemical imbalance in your brain, even your brain is your enemy. Get that under control. Then look around and take stock in the people that you are surrounding yourself with. If they’re toxic, cut them loose.

Once you’ve surrounded yourself with good people, take a look at the new friends. Romance is usually born from a good friendship. One last tip, be careful about putting the object of your desires on a pedestal, we all have our faults, and it hurts when you fall that far. Good luck!

(((((AAAAA))))) So true so true!! Had to find my posts to find this one??? hehehehe

melanie

Guys I'm sorry I freaked out about not getting responses immediately. I just value everyone's opinion here, and I still need a lot of help. Thanks for what you've done so far and I hope we can keep this going. Anyway, I'm going to try to address all the long replies, everyone feel free to comment on what I write to anyone, as it's really to all of you based on the comments people made. Sorry if this is another long post, but you know I'd take the time to read yours too.

Sultrysorryow, it does sound like we have plenty in common. In the past I have considered what you are saying, that social interaction isn't really as necessary as it's been made to seem. It's certainly true that I've fallen victim to that kind of hearsay, " You're not going out on Friday night, you must be a nerd." It's not true, but it's what everyone thinks. As for the girl, I know I'm scaring her away, she says I seem like a different person than I was when I first met her. The thing is, that's because I've finally come out and revealed my insecurities and troubles. When I met her I was putting on the usual charm (the at least semi-disingenuous one).

Rosario, you're post certainly resonated with all my past thoughts, and today's thoughts too. I'm always thinking to myself, "I'll be happy when (insert some kind of change or accomplishment)." It just never happens. For everything that goes right, ten things go wrong. I think someone mentioned that I said ten negative things for every positive thing.

That's how I feel though. I don't have enough time in my life to just be happy with a few things that go right, that's not how it works. If something goes right, I'm where I want to be, at point zero. If something goes wrong, I'm down. My mind is a nasty function with an infinite limit of y=0. Sorry for all the math analogies but that's just how I think. Anyway, point is, I can be okay, I just can't be happy. And I'm rarely even okay.

Abby, my only problem with your reply is that you said it wouldn't be much use. I'm rather embarrassed to admit this, but I think it might make you feel better so here you go: by the end of your post, and only yours, which I read last night, I was actually in tears, the good kind of tears. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone has ever described me as a nice guy. That's my problem. I've been called smart, I've been called attractive, I've been called a lot of things that make people think I'm just a drama king slash jackass for being unhappy. The things I never get called are those that apparently "matter." Nice, kind, caring, no, I'm none of those in most people's eyes. Also, if you really loved my math analogies, thanks, no one ever does. Sometimes I don't even really feel motivated anymore, to think at all. It's what I've spent my life doing, being a smart guy, but the connections between things I discover, they don't connect me to anyone, they distance me from people.

Mrsmoggles, thanks for the compliments, I guess. Your post was helpful too, but notice the things you noticed about me? That's what happens. "Smart, articulate, bright..." That's what my teachers used to say. That's why I never had any close friends. I don't mean to sound rude about what you said, most of it was very inspiring. I feel like there needs to be more lists than just those of things I can and cannot change. Take the ones I can change though, how much effort will they take? Too much. I'd have to change my life, everything I worked so hard to make it, to change some of the situations I've gotten myself into as consequences of achieving what I want.

Susan, you're very right too. I do need to find people I can really connect with successfully. Unfortunately, pardon the cliche, that's easier said than done. People formulate their thoughts about me quickly. I'm already a brash, intellectual, socially awkward jackass. That's me, that's what everyone thinks and they won't even give me a chance to change. And I'd feel weird changing who I am because I'm who I want to be for myself, it's just that that person doesn't seem to be someone other people like to be around.

A^5, computers can certainly be annoying. Sounds like you're the last vote, the one that's going to force me to accept that I must not be comfortable with myself. Good luck telling that to anyone who knows me. I definitely act comfortable with myself, so comfortable that I can usually make other people feel pretty uncomfortable if I want to do that. But there's my life story. I feel like people don't like me and they just want to put me down, so I turn right back around and put them down further. I can't cope socially, I don't fit in with people. Anyone who I could even pretend is my friend, is only my friend on a shallow level.

Anyway guys, looks like I wrote you another dissertation length post. I'm sorry. I'm just going through much, and I guess I'm a bit overjoyed that I can come here to vent, and people might actually listen. Thank you so much, those of you who will stick with me. If however, you choose not to do so, don't worry, I'm used to it.

Bluesguy, I really connected with this thread. You and I are similar but different. Which is to say, similar problems dealt with in a different way.

I too maintain a large number of acquaintances and few close friends (that I see with any regularity). I have a sharp mind and a sharper tongue and I keep everything at the acquaintance level by being the ultimate performer. I entertain everyone around me, all the time, and lots of people think I'm brilliant and wonderful. And it's not all just laughs, it's drama and romance and even the occasional musical comedy. And I'm not saying I'm cribbing lines from plays or breaking out into songs from Les Mis, I'm saying I turn my life into these things and people love it. The problem is, this is also exactly how I keep the world at arms length. I'm the performer in the spotlight and I don't take questions after the show.

All of this is possible because of the writer side of my brain. I can size up social situations in an instant and glean insights into those around me with startling accuracy. People slide effortlessly into character archetypes and their principal conflicts are detected in the first thirty seconds of conversation. So I seem insightful and open when really, I'm just reflecting people back onto themselves.

So, alone in a crowd. That's me most of the time. In my personal life I'm a recluse who only spends time with my family and I even withdraw from them much of the time.

So, why do I do all of this? Because of a huge amount of self loathing. I see myself as a freak and the only way to protect myself while still being successful in the world is to control every social situation I encounter. It's only with my family, a few close friends, and here on PC that I let my guard down. And it's hard to even count PC since I'm anonymous here.

As clowns go, I'm the crying on the inside kind and it's amazing how few people realize it.

Oh, and I love the math analogies. Being cerebral is another of my famous defenses.

Cyran0

I just don't know what to do anymore. My family can't stand me, that's pretty clear to me every day. I have friends on the level that if I make an effort to get myself included in plans of any kind, I'm included, but I'm never asked if I don't first push my way in. And I spend all this time worrying about my social situation at the expense of the things I already do well.

My problem is that I refuse to be anything less than the best, or the highest in any category. If I'm going to maintain my life as an academic, I feel bad not to use all the talent I have and show that I'm the smartest person in the department. But if I'm going to bother having a single social group, I better be in the more popular half. When I try to maintain one, the other falls apart.

I understand that everyone has to balance things like this, that's just life and I shouldn't be whining, but there's more to it. There are two types of people: those who strive for professional excellence, and those who keep close relationships with family members and friends, and are popular with people. It seems like people in either category are happy with just having that. I'm not, I want both. I hate saying, "No, I can't go out to dinner tonight, I have work to do." All that does for me if I do it a few times is it loses me the invitation next time, and I fall into the outer circle of that social group. But then, what if I go out, and I wait until tomorrow to deal with the research? Then I lose respect as the intellectual person I've come to be regarded as.

I feel like I have to be 100% professionally inclined, 100% socially inclined, or just worthless in either field. I'm not going to meet my professional goals if I socialize a lot, but I'm going to feel tortured if I stay in all the time and get my work done.

Life is too busy to be happy.

Well, if you frame it that way, balance is the answer. Not that I have that. In the dichotomy you outline, I'm in the career obsessed side. But I'm working on it.

Cyran0

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Cyran0 said:

As clowns go, I'm the crying on the inside kind and it's amazing how few people realize it.

Cyran0

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Those remind me of the song Tears of a Clown...
O and who said the world is but a stage???? We are all on the stage giving the performance of our life and sometimes we get so caught up in a character or moment we fail ourselves. We fail to see who or what we are, we only see what we have become or 'made' ourselves.

And why shouldn't you want to put work into yourself to get you where every day you wake up excited and happy and don't have to look for the little things to make you happy enough to get through day by day, Bluesguy??????? Why does it have to be so much work?? How much time has gone by and how has each day corroded until you are who you are now...it is time. I know I shouldn't be talking like this as I hardly follow what I say...the old 'do as i say not as i do...' but every day I DO get up and I face myself in the mirror and I am forced to deal with myself...So for now I am a work in progress and I hope yall become one too. Don't cheat yoruself or the family (Cyran0) in your life any longer!! We can do it...

ok, my little rant is over just as this song fades away and the night wraps its icy tendrils around my head pulling me once more into the dark abyss of my soul leaving me reeling once more in the folds of isolation and lonliness of self imprisonment and misery. Woe to the weary wanderer who enters my neck of the woods where the dark and dreary mires snag and pull at you...

OOPSSSS There I go, the ever present writer screaming for release of which I continually deny.... melanie

Mrsmoggles, it's just like Cyrano and I were talking about, both sides of the dichotomy have to work out for me, that's how I am. I feel guilty not to have a social life, but I'm somewhat awkward, and I have to work hard at keeping friends, which takes away from my other goals.

On top of that, I have plenty of other issues. I just feel like I can't handle life sometimes. I don't know what to do, and it's not getting better.

I'm so far down, I can't take it anymore. I'm in love right now, and I'm too screwed up for it to be returned. Not that it could be, considering she's already attached and way too morally astute to consider cheating no matter what kind of charm i could put on around her.

I think if I didn't have these feelings, it might not even be as hard to live my life, to feel this terrible about everything. If I didn't have these feelings of love. That's what keeps me vulnerable. I could suffer if I was just suffering, but I'm suffering and then suffering more because the original cause of the pain feeds the new one.

My eyes are too dry to cry anymore. And I can';t decide whether it hurts more to think or to just repress everything.

I read your whole post too. Me and you also have a lot of things in common, except instead of a nerd I was just that kid that used to be smart but now just sits there looking zoned out all the time and only talks to his close friends. Let me also say that Im young only 19 but I have mild depression, anxiety, and psychosis holding me back, which is true but thats my excuse.

I believe that like me you are too hard on yourself and you are also too uptight. I also notice that we both take things the worse that they could possibly be and we dwell on stuff too much. Like when noone replied you felt like noone cared about you. I also felt like that a lot in school when some of my friends stopped talking to me as much as they used to. I took that like what happened? did I say something wrong?, and I would dwell on that for a long time.

I finally noticed that I wasnt fun to be around anymore because of my illnesses, which I didnt even tell any of my friends that I had. Im not blaming every bad thing in my life on my illnesses but it has a lot to do with the things that went wrong in my life. I hate it but the more I think about it the worse it gets. I found the best way for me is to just stop caring about things so much and let things go. It was hard for me but you just have to learn to accept things that you cant change and the things you can change you have to work as hard as you can to make them better, its no easy task.

((((((((((((Bluesguy))))))))))))))))
I hear your frustration, your anger, and your confusion in your post. I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time! Are you seeing, or would you consider seeing a therapist? I think maybe this would really help you sort out your difficulties. It does take time, but it is well worth it.

You sound like a really wonderful person to me. I wanted to take the time to comment on a few things you said to show you that I do care, that I did listen.

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Nobody ever says I'm a nice guy or I'm their close friend.

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I wish that you truly had the confidence, the self-acceptance that you deserve. It sounds like you are looking for a sense of self-esteem from others rather than from within. I'm not being judgemental, I also struggle with this problem.

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I've realized that I can't function socially. I use a few superficial things that worked out for me, I use them to advance myself, to get by in a world where social acceptance seems so necessary.

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You are very courageous and insightful! This is where I really think a therapist could help, help you figure out how to move forward and achieve your goal.

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It seems that nothing will ever work out. . . I"ve realized I'll never have what I want. . . she's the one girl I'll never have. . .People don't care about me. . .I'll never have her. I can't be happy. . .No one accepts me,

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This is what is called black and white thinking, all or nothing. This can and will frustrate you because things in life don't usually come in polar opposites. You CAN have what you want. There ARE people who caer about you. Even if you never have her, you CAN still be happy (I know it doesn't feel that way), I accept you. And I hope I'm somebody

Are the things in which you long for inaccessible? Or are the inaccessible things the ones in which you long for?

You will find peace. Take care of yourself.

Hi Bluesguy....how are you doing today?.....I have returned to reread your thread because I found you mind fascinating and I related to alot of what you feel and how you view life. I think I have made some progress in altering my mental states...but many many days, I'm back to square one...but I have even managed to deal with such days by knowing that better days do come. I hope you can make some progress with your depression...but in the mean time, know that we are here for you.

I realize they don't come in polar opposites, but I can't figure out a way to seek anything but the positive pole of both situations. I just can't figure out where I want to be or how the heck I'm going to be happy. The only ways I can figure out to make that happen are things that are impossible.

As for the girl, she's been inaccessible the entire time I've known her, she's one of those... but that's not why I want her. I long to be with her because she's amazing, she just happens to be inaccessible. I'm not one of those guys who wants what he can't have just because he can't have it, though it does frustrate me.

Rosario, I'm up from my worst today, so I guess I can be thankful for that. Are you doing alright? I'm glad to hear that things may be getting better for you. As I'm sure you already know, I'm here for you and you can PM me or talk here anytime if you're in need. You've been a great help to me so far.

I guess people are getting bored with my situation.