BPD and TSDP

this stuff confuses me so im going to try my best to keep it clear...

i just have a question about borderline personality and dissociation because i read this article which uses theory of structural dissociation of the personality...
https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/arti...2051-6673-1-15

it makes sense, some how, some where, inside, but what i wanna know is if this is credible...

and if you are triggered into one or inbetween 2 or more of these states how can you get out of it and back to normal..?
if you seem to be knocked unstable or into a state that is "bad"

or maybe i am misunderstanding completely...

at the risk of utterly embarrassing myself yet again maybe i should try to explain my situation and feelings with this article...
i hate talking about this stuff

according to what i read and my understanding,

Quote:

TSDP thus postulates that in trauma - not only in criterion A trauma events, but also in what could be called attachment trauma - the personality may become divided among two or more such dissociative subsystems or parts [6]. Each part is primarily mediated by particular action (sub) systems and has its own first-person perspective. These dissociative parts, also known as dissociated self-states, are dysfunctionally stable (rigid) in their functions and actions, and overly separated from one another

so... then... say
i get triggered through a bunch of stuff, and land in this "somewhat stable" system, that is just awful, how do i get out of it...?

does that make sense?

i want to go back to normal.... i dont know how to fix it...

i can talk more if needed... i just dont want to talk very much if i can help it...

my suggestion is to talk with your treatment provider. short version structural dissociation is a ....theory.... that some treatment providers use and others do not. some use it for non dissociative disorders ie personality disorders, PTSD and other trauma and stress related disorders and other treatment providers do not.

since your researching tends to throw you off track and also has in the past possibly hindered your treatment providers in diagnosing you and getting you on the right treatments my suggestion is to contact your treatment providers. they will be able to explain whether this mental health treatment approach /theory fits what you have and how.

also be careful when you see the word....Abstract... in any articles online it means what is contained in it is just like a college term paper/ thesis paper. whats in it is largely only the writers ....opinions.... on what facts they are finding based on what and how they want their paper to reflect...

example if I wanted to write a paper saying dissociative disorders is the work of witchcraft I would write an ....Abstract... based on that point of view purposely setting out to only include information that would make point to dissociative disorders is the work of witch craft. doesnt mean what I include in it is true or false because its not a work of non fiction. its just an abstract just my own opinion on something that I purposely set out to make people think about. think like when you read movie reviews or newspaper reviews of movies or tv shows. its just the writers summary and opinion of something that they purposely set out to make people aware of their opinions. doesnt make them right or wrong fit or unfit.

another way I think of abstracts are like posts here on psych central ... anyone can write anything, supply their experiences or proof and you get lots of people either agreeing or disagreeing but it boils down to no one is right or wrong everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

which is why I say contact your own treatment providers so that these abstracts that you have in the past and now are finding wont cause you more harm then good.

yeah...

currently i am not very trusting of these people that are supposed to be helping me...
i don't hold very much faith on their ability to help me or their understanding of whats going on with me...

i dont have a therapist anymore...

and the NP wants to believe in bipolar stuff...
i dont think she is very focused at all on anything trauma related...

i tried talking to her about dissociation, ptsd, borderline, she just said she thinks im more like bipolar II and didnt want to talk about any of the other stuff...

the therapist didnt think i was bipolar so i dunno why she didnt listen to her...

i hate this clinic i go to...

i just feel like giving up... it doesnt do me any good to talk to them...
it doesnt do me any good to research...

whats the point in anything...

i just want to reconnect with myself... im so disconnected i cant take it anymore...

its just that in this way, it feels like that;

i go in and out of different states... which feel separate from one another
may it be by thin or thicker amnesiac type walls

i cant tell or feel or understand the different states...
i just want to go back to the good ones...
i just know it feels bad right now, things feel strange

different... i feel different, out of place... misplaced

i dont feel the same towards things, my feelings dont feel the same, if i can call them feelings at all, or call them my own feelings at all

im feeling a lot of strange things that i have a difficult time describing
things that dont feel like they belong, things that i dont relate to and cant understand...

it just makes me feel bad, and i dont want to feel bad

i just want to feel good, but im not feeling good...
im feeling really disconnected and detached

i feel like im under water and everything is gargled

the speaker phones are all static because of the water in the systems

nothing is translating right

the wrong feelings are coming up for the wrong things

im really confused and trying to hold my head on straight

things have been really rough....
i dont really know everything that has been going on, because i've been like this for some time... and it seems like the longer im like this and the longer im confused the more blurry everything gets...

part of me is afraid that im going to lose myself entirely and i dont know what that means, im not sure i want to find out... but my fuel is run out and i cant do anything else about it im really at rock bottom and like... giving up or putting my hands up because there is nothing i can do, surrendering i guess...

one thing i do know is i do not trust those people at the clinic, i have to keep reminding myself that because i keep forgetting, dont trust them, they dont know or understand whats going on with me and im afraid they are going to make it worse...

they've already made it worse i mean...

i just want to come out of this, i don't know why i cant come out of this

i feel like im trying to come out of it so hard but something is holding me back, something is keeping me like this and i cant get out...

i cant fix it... i cant explain it much better than this...

its difficult to think coherently enough as it is you know...?
when your mind is all fog... when your feelings are all ****ed up...
when you feel like you are split into a million pieces...

my therapist couldnt handle me anymore, she didnt know what else to do, i cant blame her, i dont know what else to do with myself either

I looked at the article, it looks scientifically sound. In most scientific papers the abstract just summarizes the contents of the paper, its a summary of the scientific findings.
Elevated Soul it sounds like you need a trauma therapist, most therapists who specialize in trauma will understand about dissociation and know the long term effects of developmental trauma.

I agree with Amjay. The way you describe your varying mental and emotional states sounds very similar to the way I experience dissociation. I am diagnosed with C-PTSD and have a very informed trauma therapist.

It sounds like you just have not found the right type of therapist yet who is experienced with trauma-related dissociation. Please don't give up! There are some good ones out there. Are you stuck with the ones at the clinic? Can you look elsewhere? Do you have insurance that will pay for therapy?

As an editor, I want to point out that abstracts are not just "opinion." A good abstract will summarize the main points contained in a document. A valid scientific document will provide references to support any data and findings that are presented. These references will point the reader to the original source of that information. For example, if a particular psychological study was performed, and the results showed a particular finding, there should be a reference for that particular study (such as National Alliance of Mental Health, 2010). Then, usually near the back of the document, there will be a References section, where the reader can find additional information about the study.

i read the entire article... of course...
but due to memory complications i would have to read it a thousand more times and keep going back to it to reference certain parts just to talk about it...

i have read about structural dissociation before i just try not to get in to deep with this because i dont understand it and i dont like talking about it because it makes me feel completely unsure and confused about too many things causing even more self invalidation and problems with myself that just seem to complicate my symptoms even more ..

i spent a long time with that therapist, i just cant believe its over .. feeling crappy
like i did not make any progress at all... things just keep getting worse...

i tried to see a new therapist on the 30th last month, that did not go so well... or maybe it did?
i dont know... he said the same stuff she had been saying though, just that he seemed to know more of what he was talking about - but he did trigger me into oblivion...

starting to ask me questions about things... fast... i didnt understand... me being the way i am, giving "automatic" responses...

i just remember in the beginning i told him that i was tired and had been trying to get help for a long time and he said something and asked if i was able to talk about things without shutting down, getting suicidal, wanting to hurt myself, going to the hospital, or whatever, and i spaced completely out and said absolutely and then it was all over

now im sitting here, trying to deal with this depression because im so upset about how things are going... just wanting to get out of this hole... knowing ... feeling like on some level if i could just reach a light switch i could flip it on and everything could switch over and be OK...

but im lost, i dunno where i am, i dunno where the switch is, i dunno whats happening, and i just want it to be over

its not fair, why is this happening?
it is not helping anything... it is not getting me anywhere...
it is hurting so much
stealing my life, my breathe

i dont know what to feel
im just an empty shell of what used to be full of vibrant posibilities...
void of all possibilities... nothing is allowed... nothing is here...

i don't want to do this anymore

i dont want to go to therapy... i dont want to do any of this... i dont want to feel these things... i dont want to NOT feel...

i just want to go back, i just want to be ok, i know i can be ok... i used to be ok all the time, maybe not all of the time, but for the most part i would be ok...
atleast not feeling like death... just feel like if someone could turn the lights back on... everything would be ok...

the doctors... people... the world... myself included... everything... everyone... has just been triggering me extremely lately...

and ontop of it, it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks a couple weeks ago...
which may sound ridiculous to some... but im going to be 28 years old this year and i just dont know what has happened to the time... i've lost 10 years some how... completely lost 10 years....
i guess i've just been trying to slide by for so long... it makes me feel sick...
its all just blank and i have nothing to show for it... and i feel ridiculously old... compared to being 17 years old... it just feels wrong...

****ing hate this....

its becoming more and more difficult to see the point in anything lately...

im very depressed...

it doesnt help that they changed my medication at the appointment 3 months ago and its ****ed me up since then too...

first about this post.....no offense here but if I remember right and according to past posts, you were not doing the greatest before they changed your meds and is why you wanted them to change your meds to begin with.

by reading your past posts i can see that the problems started well before your meds were changed.

let me show you something... for a couple days I have had this nagging pain, its a mental associated pain. I write about the pain, I complain to my wife about the pain but does that make the pain go away, no. what will? my calling my treatment provider and saying hey I have this pain. then following through with going to my treatment providers and doing exactly what they want me to do. we may not find out what the pain is right away, it may take many sessions, and trying many different treatments but until I follow through nothing is going to change. that pain is going to stick around .....until I make it change by changing my own behaviors and changing my own thinking process. rather than thinking this is hopeless and complaining and writing, there comes a time for making changes and action.

When i read your posts I think like that... I see you wanting and needing things to get better but no one can make those changes but you. we can read all your posts on how you want things to get better but only you can make things better.

Im going to be honest with you elevated soul. I care a lot for you and wish things would get better for you, but I dont think things are going to get better for you for a while... heres why...

heres what I see in your posts...

you went through detox/ getting sober but then you decided you didnt like being sober so you went back to drinking and drugs.

your treatment providers said they would help you with your SSI and getting you a specialist. instead of accepting their help, your next posts were about dropping out of treatment all together, quitting therapy.... yes your therapist said they could not help you because they were not specialists but they were not the ones that abandoned you. they were going to help get you a specialist but you said no and quit.

your recent posts say the treatment provider or case manager you have right now wants you to go into the hospital but you still have not gone...

these are just a few of your posts that I have been reading. Im not trying to be mean to you but I mention the above so that you can see what Im about to say....

I dont think you are going to get better just writing posts here on psych central. all we can do here is read your posts, we cant fix you.writing posts is ok just like making a grocery list of items is ok but without following through what happens.... you go hungry and your needs dont get met.

you have this need and want for things to get better but it takes more than needing and wanting things to happen, in order for it to happen. it takes a commitment to work with treatment providers (whether we get along with them or not sometimes) and following up on things like making changes in thinking and behaviors for things to get better.

my suggestion is contact your treatment providers that you do have and follow through with getting your specialist, and your SSI, go to the hospital and get stabilized. (no excuses) just jump right in, kind of like you enjoy jumping right into the internet researching. treat this like a research project on yourself. if you can handle doing allt his research on the internet finding all these obscure abstract articles you can handle doing a research project on your self by following through with your treatment plans that your treatment providers have tried to help you with.

think of it this way, the writers of all these articles you are finding had to write them with no excuses, they had to meet all kinds of rules and deadlines. set yourself a rule of no more making excuses and taking it one step at a time. pick something and go for it.

mind you all this is suggestions, only you can decide what you want and need to do in order to feel better. me its time for me to face this nagging pain and contact my treatment providers and make some changes in my life. how about you, is it time for you to make the changes needed to help your self feel better? if so what kinds of changes do you think you can do today to make today be an ok day for you?

i know, things have been bad for me for ever... its just that i have become really depressed and i cant get myself out of it...

depressed about being like this, about my life, feeling like i can't change anything, feeling stuck and like its never going to get better, hopeless

i think coming off of the cymbalta was a horrible thing/idea and i need to get back on it and i want to get off the saphris and just get back on the abilify because the saphris isnt doing anything anyway and the old medications if they were or were not helping atleast i wasnt feeling as bad... if that makes sense...

medications have never really done much for me anyway and i have tried a lot of them so i have pretty much lost faith that any medication is going to really help very much... so i just want to go back to what had me semi stable... chaotically stable....

i dont know why she took me off of the cymbalta...

i have really hard time with memory so im sorry about that... i dont know whats wrong with my memory

i live life from a now perspective and cant put myself in a perspective of past or future... i have flashbacks instead... i get detached and zone out instead... i "disappear"...
i see the world from inside a bubble... everything happening all at once...
does that make sense?
so its difficult for me to have retrospect... such to review my self... past.. events... happenings... i dont understand it and it really bothers me...
but i automatically block it out most of the time and just float through...

i know you keep saying trust these people, listen to them, do what they say, talk to them, and i have been trying for a long time...

but i feel like they just are not listening to me...

i am trying so hard to change... i dont know what i am doing wrong...
what am i doing wrong? maybe it is all my fault...
its gotta be all my fault... because its just not getting better
i just dont see how going to a hospital is going to help at all really...
im feeling better from the other week... just still depressed about all of this
but im going to get back on the antidepressant next week and hopefully that will make it a little better with a little time...

its not an easy thing deciding to go to the hospital...
its not fun being in the hospital...
you know...

the new therapist i saw really triggered me bad... and i just dont know if i can do any more therapy right now... i dont know if therapy is good for me right now... i dont know...
i dont want to go see any more new people... i just feel so tired of dealing with this stuff and having to deal with the people that are supposed to be helping me... ya know? i just need a break.. i need a vacation.. i need to breathe, i want to get away from it all but i cant escape; thats what it feels like

its not that i want them to say this, or do that, just to make me feel special or a certain way... its that i feel like every single person i have talked to has really not heard me... that new therapist guy seemed like he understood but he triggered me so bad i dont really know if i want to go back to him

its scary and i feel like i just dont want to uncover any more painful feelings, i just want to leave it all alone and go back to the way things were so i can pretend to be ok and happy...

because i just see a long long painful dark cold road

i am having a lot of conflicting emotions, feelings, thoughts and stuff going on...
do this, dont do it, do it, dont do it, i end up just freezing... with those thoughts racing through my mind... fighting... im losing myself

im losing the war, the battle, i feel like im losing
you know?
i just keep feeling like there is no hope.. probably because of these people i have to "rely" on... and the treatment that i am receiving...

or maybe because i just keep failing to do anything right...

its just that you keep saying to trust them, but i tried to and it has not been working... things are just getting worse so i dont know what to do, its not fair

anyway... i read... a lot... i guess just sometimes i end up reading about things some people think i shouldnt be reading about...

psychology... demonology... magic... paranormal... whatever...
i try to keep my mind stimulated to keep it off of the other stuff... so that i dont start thinking about how i am so detached... how i feel so strange... how i cant remember my past... or who i am... what i am... or what i want even... what i like... whatever...
i try hard, i try really hard..... atleast i feel like i try hard... maybe im not trying at all and im just lieing to myself...
i feel really tired, really exhausted... i've been doing this for a long time and i feel like i just want to give up but if i give up then im not sure what will happen, my mind gets weird when i let it idle...
i start to realize alot of things going on around me or inside and i dont like it... and i guess thats whats been happening lately because i've been in that giving up type mood or whatever because im so depressed

i dont know, im really feeling like giving up...

like throwing away the entire old person inside and outside... killing it all...
just letting it die... and reborn from the ashes a person that just doesnt give a **** about this ****... because i feel like im losing myself anyway, maybe i should just let go and let it all die... or whatever will happen to it

i doubt anyone will understand what i mean... its just a feeling i have inside...
i cant explain it.. i dont know where im at in there, in the body, mind... or the person i was... but im about to just say **** it all... let the mother ****er burn,

ill stop talking now, no point really in saying anything

and ya know.. im just mostly smoking weed

i went to rehab to detox from alcohol and i dont even want to drink anymore...
i dont have a taste for alcohol right now, dont have an urge.. i just dont want it

i dont know why, and i dont really care

i do want to get high though, because when im high i feel normal...
i feel like im in my world, im out of this crappy world where my entire body hurts and i feel all kinds of pain that shouldnt be there... emotional pains
but you have to remember that i have been using substances since i was 12 years old...

i feel all kinds of stupid feelings that shouldnt be there, at the wrong times

so im mostly just smoking weed, and that is even very seldom because of my money problems so its not like im constantly getting high and drinking

i know i come off like that and i may be a drug addict but im not abusing them frequently right now even though i wish dearly that i was

This is to deep man. I kinda like alfa et suop to.

im ok now

i just gotta dont look back or else

this is where i get all weird

because i live in this moment, such ebb and flow
there is no time
there is no passage of time
there is no me
but there are many versions of me
there are no memories
there are no communications
there is just blackness
a deafening silence
a painful numbness
an overflowing emptiness
a contradicting existence

so i have to go through this ****
i have to feel all this ****
its just ****
****ing ****
not my **** but its **** on my shoe for sure

without being able to communicate to my self
without being smart enough to leave notes for myself
so i just don't know whats going on most of the time
like a little baby confused and hurting wondering what the hell

im using such language because it emphasizes what i mean
so im sorry if it offends anyone, but my existence offends my own self

what i can't understand, what confuses the hell out of me is how..?
puzzles always get me, i always get sucked in by them and i hate it because i end up getting obsessed until i figure it out - this is one puzzle that i can't figure out and im really trying to say **** it, **** it i dont care, i really dont care anymore

it obviously doesnt matter, its not going to change one thing for me to figure it out
its just my obsessive behavior... its just the confusion... its just the feeling lost all the time... its just not knowing whats going on... its just feeling so mixed up and scrambled inside my own head... that i want to sort all out so that it will go away so that maybe i can be normal, but it will never go away

maybe i will never be normal, so why spend so much large amounts of energy on all this

im soooooooo tired of it

oh man if people could just see or hear the stuff that goes on inside of me
because i do not understand it, i cant discern what is going on inside, i cant filter through everything, i cant tell my own thoughts apart from my own thoughts from my own thoughts from my own thoughts. and yes its that redundant... i feel tormented, i used to think that god hated me and started to think that maybe demons were with me, but now i dont believe in god or demons or anything, i dont believe in anything anymore... i dont even know if the world is real, if life is real, if i am real, if anything is real - what is it, what argh, arguing with myself


it pisses me off... i dunno if it makes me angry because i try to tell people and i cant or if i try to talk to myself about it and it doesnt help or if i try to figure it out and i cant or if its just everything all together... i dunno

i just want it to stop, i try to ignore it ... it gets worse
i try to focus on it and it gets worse
i try to do nothing at all and i just fall apart

so now im gonna try something different, cause im pissed and really tired of this stuff going on

just gonna tell everything and everyone of the thoughts and voices and words and pictures and flashbacks in my head to shut the **** up

this is my head, as far as i know, and im gonna keep it that way

makes perfect sense to me, nothing else works so maybe they'll listen to that, after all its what i've listened to my entire life, so maybe it will work on the inside just as well

atleast im not SAD

I've calmed down a bit...

not depressed, feeling really empty... maybe i am depressed still?

its difficult for me to tell what i feel...

it makes me feel like something must be really very wrong..
i dont feel very present... not really able to discern my feelings... or emotional state...
it leaves me wondering who i am even, if i cant tell what i am feeling... how can i be certain of anything; if i cant even be certain of my own feelings

i know no one has any answers... im not even sure anyone can understand what im sayin...

i get caught up in the vortex of doom... the cycle... that leads me in circles... that just makes me want to give up... because im not getting anywhere...

and it really sucks... because im trying so hard... but this brain is not working with me... its not cooperating... i feel like everytime i try to do something right, something inside counteracts it with 10 wrong steps... not really wrong steps, just measures that prevent me from moving forward... and moving away from these negative symptoms...

i just wish that i had good insurance so that i could see a neurologist...

am I correct is thinking you and your treatment providers think your problem is a physical health problem rather than a mental health problem...

reason I ask this is because a neurologist works with physical health problems like seizures, epilepsy, coordination/ mobility problems, confusion and dizziness associated with neuromuscular diseases like caused by brain problems like alzheimers, MS, Cerebral Palsy, Muscular dystrophy, strokes, meningitis (a virus that attacks the brain and nerves and spine) encephalitis.... that kind of thing...

I have a neurologist for my Multiple Sclerosis. he is a very great help for my physical health problems but because neurologists do not work with mental disorders he cant help me with my DID,PTSD and other mental problems...

if you do get to see a neurologist they will do all kinds of tests on your brain, spine, spinal fluids, nerve conductivity tests to see if all your nerves are working correctly or if you have a physical health problem that is causing your symptoms. if so you will receive a treatment plan that includes things like physical therapy (think like going to a gym and working out all those muscles and nerves that might not be working up to par lol) medications that can help with the physical functionality and physical pain like muscle relaxers, pain relievers, antispasmotics... what ever is your physical nerves and muscle problems..

thats just the thing...

my treatment providers dont talk to me very much at all, i try to talk to them but they just sort of repeat the same stuff over and over and its like talking to a brick wall...

the clinic i go to doesnt have very much money at all so i just assume that the people i am seeing arent really trained to treat someone with complex symptoms... and/or they aren't very interested in the clients... and/or they are just overworked/over loaded...

the neurologist i went to for a psychological assessment said that it seemed rather benign but wanted me to come back but i cant afford to come back because i owe them something like 7-13,000$ (i've forgotten..) from that last visit because my insurance didnt cover it...

i just want to go talk to a neurologist because to me, living inside with these problems... it feels like something is really wrong that i cant express...

ive been trying to see different psychiatrists and stuff for 7 years and all they've done is try to tell me its bipolar stuff and put me on a thousand different medications which hasn't helped at all...

my gut is just screaming at me that its not bipolar, i dont get manic, how can it be bipolar...

its also screaming at me that if its not bipolar then maybe its something really serious...

and also that if i dont do something soon maybe im going to get so bad i wont be able to recognize myself or that i even have a problem... because i feel like im losing abilities and cognitive functions...

but i cant tell if i am or if its just in my head...

i cant tell what is happening, i think i am losing insight but i cant tell that either

im really confused, i have a lot of confusion...
having a lot of difficulties communicating... not just communicating these problems...
but socializing too... and its really not cool... scary... and depressing... and... lots of things... i just want to make it stop, make it better, i want to be happy and feel good

i dont know if its because of brain damage, traumatic brain injury from years ago, drug abuse, PTSD symptoms getting worse, i dont know - because my "treatment providers" dont help me like this

they just take me in a room and sit me down and then next thing i know im leaving the room with different medications

i space out a lot and lose alot of time so i cant help it that i have a really hard time paying attention... i really do try hard, i just am falling apart

thats why i am really hoping to successfully get on disability this time... the judge can't deny me this time... because it would be like a death sentence... because i need the insurance... so i can use it to get better....

i just thought that it would be clearer by now...

as to what it is...

and the symptoms clearer too...

but the symptoms are worse

and its destroying me, my life

i just want to hide away from everyone because im not able to hide the symptoms any more as to before i was able to cover them up... now i cant and i dont know why

i cant hide the confusion, i cant hide when i get hit with the depression out of no where, i cant hide the strange emptiness, lack of content that i am, i cant hide..

what if i fall into a coma...

because thats what it feels like its coming to...

ElevatedSoul,

I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless right now. I can sense your pain and frustration, and your fear that things will never get better. It is frustrating and discouraging when you don't feel like the treatment providers you see really hear or understand what you are trying to communicate. Have you told them you don't feel understood? What would they need to do in order for you to feel they heard you and understand your situation? Communication between you and your treatment providers is important. If something is standing in the way of that, it is worth bringing it up and discussing what is preventing them from understanding.

Regarding alcohol, you don't need me to tell you that it usually makes somebody with unstable emotions feel even worse. Even if initially it takes your mind off your problems, it leads to more problems. It only compounds the confusion and pain you feel now. You don't need the problem of addiction added to the mental and emotional problems you are already having a hard time coping with. Unless you remove that influence from your life, your work to heal from your emotional and mental problems will be much, much harder. I suggest you work with your treatment providers to come up with list of healthy, substitute coping skills you can turn to when you are tempted to drink.

I also can't imagine how your reading about subjects like demonism and paranormal stuff is going to help your overall mental health. From what I've learned about it, it is a negative, dangerous road to go down. I would strongly suggest you avoid reading about subjects like that and find books that will encourage you along your path to healing...subjects that will build you up, things that make you feel good. If you find that you are resistant to doing things to help yourself and, instead, you turn to alcohol and fill your mind with depressing, scary, or negative ideas, it would be very important to talk to your treatment providers about your tendency to be self-destructive. That needs to be addressed. Unless you feel that you are worthy, and that your life is worth saving, you will not be motivated to help yourself.

Another thing that struck me when reading your post is that you seem to be easily triggered by painful subjects that your therapists raise in your therapy sessions. Because these discussions upset you so much, your tendency is not to go to therapy because you feel that it only makes you feel worse. Like you, I have had a very difficult time being able to tolerate the intense pain that I felt in therapy sessions. Because I spent most of my life pushing away painful feelings and realizations, it didn't take very much talking about painful things for me to get totally overwhelmed emotionally to the point where I felt like I was being retraumatized.

My therapist finally realized that I am unable to tolerate more than just a small amount of trauma work in my sessions. We MUST go slowly or we get nowhere. That's just the way it is. Until we started slowing down, and taking things a small piece at a time, we weren't getting anywhere because every 3 or 4 sessions, I'd have an emotional breakdown and would then want to quit therapy because it felt way too painful to endure. I am wondering if your therapy work needs to be taken in much smaller chunks as well. If you relate with my situation, please discuss it with your therapist. Tell her you absolutely need to take things slower or it is simply too painful to continue therapy.

Also, if you haven't already, you might look up the subject "Highly Sensitive Persons" on the Web. At some point, my therapist came to realize that I am an HSP, which is why we had to slow down in our therapy work. HSPs feel emotions much more intensely, and once we get stirred up, it takes much longer for our nervous system to calm down than people who are not HSP. About 20% of the population are HSP. It is a real, provable, biological difference in the way our nervous system works. It comes with some great gifts, such as creativity and intuition, but it also makes any kind of traumatic experience much more painful to endure.

Really give thought to the suggestions we have made in your thread. I know you feel hopeless now, and it's hard to believe things could ever get better. But they can. Don't give up!

i appreciate it...

i have problems with communication... fears...
i am sometimes unable to speak up about things, unable to say things that i desperately need or want to say... my voice is cut off and even though my inner voice cries my physical voice makes no sound... i'll just look at the wall or the floor...
so i have not been able to say to them that i feel unheard, misunderstood, for fear of rejection... fear that they will get mad at me... and such things...

i don't know why i am like this... i see most of the time it seems everyone around me having no problem speaking up and saying whats on their minds... saying things they need or want to say... and it often makes me feel less than because i am unable to do...

it brings up a bit of self hatred... despise...

i know alcohol complicates things... thats why i went to rehab for it and detoxed...
now im not drinking... and dont really have the desire to... but still have to work on other addictions at some point... its just difficult when i have nothing else to turn to for relief... to relieve pressure... as a release... or coping skills... since im not cutting now as well..

i don't know why i become self destructive sometimes... i dont mean to, and its definitely not my intentions with my reading about various subjects...
i just find myself looking for answers... i've looked everywhere for answers...
but lately i haven't been doing very much reading at all due to increase in different symptoms

i've been trying to watch movies though... comedies, fun stuff.. to take my mind off the bad stuff...

i do feel like i am worth saving, atleast part of me i think... im a good guy...
but i feel like i don't know if i can be saved in manner of speaking...?
i feel trapped... and mixed feelings... and maybe like no one wants to save me because of what i am... or maybe i dont need saved at all, or maybe im not worthy of being saved, i don't even know to be honest... i mean who am i to ask this of anyone?

i am trying really hard though...
atleast i think i am trying... i feel like i am trying...
i am doing all of my appointments... taking all of the medication...
trying to use all of the advice everyone gives me... i just feel like nothing is working...
feel like maybe im doing everything wrong... like maybe its all my fault that i am not getting better, and maybe probably it is... like maybe im just choosing to be sick...
and that makes me really hate myself... because i cant understand why i would do that... when i feel like i am trying so hard... yet at the same time feeling like maybe im not... i just get so confused... i hate being confused, i really hate this

i am triggered by a lot of things very easily.. not just in therapy

they are "making" me get a new therapist so i guess i will have to try it again with someone new... although i dont want to do therapy right now... i just want to take a break... and be alone for a while...

i have read about HSP..
i agree with it... but i have also been reading about the borderline personality stuff since my ex-therapist told me i have the borderline traits and ****...
so i just feel really messed up... super sensitive.. emotionally unstable...

but i have a lot of cognitive dissonance... i tell myself im ok, but i dont believe it, but i do at the same time, on different levels - i dont understand myself...

how i can walk around like this, how i can be bleeding inside, dieing, and operating just fine on the outside world to where people dont believe me when i do try to get the courage up enough to speak up a little bit and say something about my condition...

it takes me to start falling apart drastically on the outside for everyone to see that i am not doing so well... which i have been falling apart on the outside world lately... and its really been difficult... because i get embarrassed so much, so easily... because i want to be strong, to hide all my pain and suffering from the world... but i cant lately... and its changing me on a core level... like i dont recognize myself anymore...

i dont know what i am becoming... i dont know whats happening to me... and i dont know if its a good thing or bad thing... but i cant stop it or control it...

i just dont want to lose myself... i dont want to lose my life...
im already so unhappy... i dont want it to get worse... i dont want it to bleed through to the outside world... but its been bleeding through and contaminating everything...

maybe i have just always bottled everything up before and im just unable to bottle stuff up anymore... i dont know...

i dont know what to do now because i dont have coping skills, im trying to learn coping skills but its not easy...
i feel like the things that work for other people dont work for me... and it makes me upset and angry and depressed and stuff because it doesnt work... makes me feel like a fraud and unfixable because of it...

brings up so much self hatred... but then i fight myself because i dont hate myself...
these confusing feelings and emotions are things i cant explain...

When my parts and I have been using negative coping skills so long, using positive ones seems like the most unnatural thing to do. It seems to be taking along time to learn. When we get it right, we are always glad