The aftermath of divorce

I found a boyfriend who is lovely and kind and fun - he just acts like a single person. He has a grown up son, is a widower and has always dreamed of doing a lot of things. I have four grownup children and I am happy when I am doing things with them. It has been puzzling on how to reinvent myself, I am going to leave my boyfriend, and see how I can enjoy life while being a fifty three year old divorced mom. It is hard to act without fear, I thought I would never even get laid again.

Why not keep the boyfriend? I'm confused.

I did keep my boyfriend. We have different goals and ways we want to spend our lives. I couldn't see how he had space in his life with all the plans he had. However, I decided to say and do what is important to me, let him do the same, and to see where we end up. I found I was glaring a lot and being cool when I didn't like his behavior, and changing my behavior when he looked hurt. I would like to try and get along with the idea that both of us can deal with our own insecurities, discomfort.

Sounds to me like a good plan.

I would like to know why I have so many people commenting on my life, on who I am, what I do, and where I am going, now that I am divorced. I am a 53 year old divorcee, left, trying to live with joy. It feels like I don't have the protection of being a mom, so it's a free for all. I am sexual, powerful, opinionated, full of laughter and learning. Perhaps we could have a "Be kind to 50 year old women day." It is mostly my ex leading the target practice but it feels really vulnerable out here trying to live with joy.

I'm starting my life all over again after a certain age, so I find your words so inspiring! Please do NOT allow people to take your happiness away. Remeber that you are "sexual, powerful, opinionated, full of laughter and learning." There is absolutely no need for a "Be kind to 50 year old women day." You are not a victim, you are a strong remarkable and full of youth but mature woman. If people say otherwise, who cares?? let them say, you know the truth within yourself.
When it comes to new relationships after a divorce, don't settle for the ones that you have to change the way you are, there's a lot of fish in the sea. If you feel happy, great, if not, it is okay to let go.

Best,
CF

I wanted to be kind to my ex, to work with him when it came to our kids, and to work with him when it came to sharing our assets. Now I feel stupid. We never got on, we never saw eye to eye on issues, or on the children. I think I was trying to pressure him into kind cordial behavior, and he just acted like he always has. I keep learning things about myself, which is good, I guess. Life was getting pretty horrid when I felt like a victim.

I imagined my ex and I could go down the path of friendship. He cheated on me and left me for his mistress when I was fifty. I actually felt peaceful and happy after I got over the shock of being in such a vulnerable position. It seems he has an agenda that he is never going to get over with me. He wants to fix me for the sake of my children, for him, and for the way I manage my divorce settlement. It sounds like I am a cat. I am going to go to therapy to learn how to tell someone to mind their own business in a firm neutral way.

I don't see what the grounds for friendship would be. Ideally, the two of you should wish each other well and treat each other with courtesy. Hopefully, you can collaborate appropriately in your roles as co-parents. There might even be occasional favors you and he might do for each other. None of that rises to the level of friendship, necessarily. Friendship is a pretty sacred thing in my book. Formerly married people normally do continue to have concern for each other's welfare. In some cases there does emerge what could be described as friendship. Maybe someday the two of you will have that. But you don't right now, and I wouldn't try to force that.

What you've gone through has left you feeling betrayed. It's appropriate to feel that. Let's not try to dress this up as something that's fine and okay - like he needed to move on and you need to be fine with that. You don't. The ending of this marriage was not a mutual decision. You were commited. He reneged. I'm not saying that anyone should stay in a marriage who really wants out of it. I would not want a man to stay with me because he feels he has to. But someone who walks out on me is not "my friend." Doesn't mean that person becomes my enemy, but this is someone in whom my trust was misplaced - if marriage means anything - so I'm not going to keep making that same mistake.

So, yeah, let him mind his own business. You don't need "fixing" by the likes of him. Be businesslike in your interactions with him. He lost his claim to being involved in "shaping" you, when he walked. Don't share with him what belongs to you. Spend zero time letting him advise you on how you need to conduct yourself. Learn to briskly change the subject when he gets into what's not his business. Do this and your self-esteem will be the better for it.

We know that, in his eyes, you're not good enough. That's why he left. But "not good enough for him" doesn't need to be your assessment of yourself. Are his values so impecable that he should be the arbiter of your worth? Maybe they are. Maybe he has accurately appraised you, and you are so severely flawed that no one in their right mind would show you the time of day. Yeah, sure. That's not what I'ld bet my money on. If anything, you've probably - for a long time - given far too much weight to what he thinks. I wouldn't depend on this guy's judgement to pick out a ripe tomato for me.

Go to therapy, if it would help you feel supported. You probably do need to work on boundaries. If you have trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries between yourself and him, then it's likely that this is an issue with you in general. So that's a good thing to work on. Being open to advice is a good thing, but one can be too open. If you're getting more unsolicited advice than seems genuinely helpful, then make yourself a lot less available as an audience for that sermonizing, or however he (or anyone else) does it. Before trying to have some friendship with your ex, I think you first need to master backing him off. It's a learnable skill, no matter what type of personality you happen to be.

That "so many people" are "commenting" on what's not their business tells me that you are probably too open and approachable. You're being disrespected. Try taking a lot less interest in what people think. They'll notice that, and you'll get targeted less. Never underestimate the vastness of other people's stupidity. I wish you well in the freedom and joy of your new independence.

Thank you Rose 76. I felt like you gave me a long hug and told me I was going to be okay. I am going to keep your words and go back to them.

I was at Dance Divine (a freestyle dance) today. I was dancing with sadness that my ex is giving me the message that I am not dependable for my kids in any way. Then I opened my arms and tried to breath. If I let the world in, then my sadness is just a part of me, the whole world is out there, the whole rest of me is in me. I need to stop staring at my belly button and live more, find friends, do fun stuff, challenge myself, build something.

And I think you need to be less concerned with messages coming from your ex.

Your kids are grown, what's the deal with your ex Dictating your life? He left afterall.

I know. I can work on saying what I want, which is to be a big part of my kids lives. I also want control over how I live and over my finances. And I want to not hate my ex. I spent a lot of time being angry at my Mom who was an alcoholic and moved me all around the world. I am mostly lonely, I miss talking to my kids. I miss talking to my ex, but that is what divorce is. I have spent a lot of time defending and questioning myself while my ex's accusations come out of my kids mouths. I don't know what my ex wants but that is a good thing, because I am going to concentrate on what I want. His latest foray is that if I sell the house, he wants control over the money so he can invest it to get the best profit for the kids when they inherit it. I think I will stick with the divorce agreement that says I gave him everything in exchange for the house, 20% of which I will give him when I sell it. I get to be an adult, and in charge of my life - a new concept. They say that when you move away from an abuser, that is the most dangerous time, because the abuser has nothing to loose anymore. I would put my ex in the category of a controlling narcissist and me of being a co-dependant.

Why are you giving your ex 20% of the sale proceeds of the house?

I take it your "kids" are adults? Is that so? Why does your ex assume that they will inherit this pile of wealth? You may require the proceeds for needs of your own. There is no telling what those needs may be as you age. You may wish to spend and even squander the proceeds of the sale. You may take up with a man who has expensive tastes and no job. Don't let anyone presume to know what you should do with what is yours. Tell your ex you plan to invest the money yourself - at the racetrack.

Tell your kids the same thing, if out of their mouths come accusations of you being not what they think you should have been. You have been exactly what you were capable of being - no more, no less. What you'll be in the future is none of their business, since they are no longer children. Of course, anyone normally wants to be close to their children. But your life hasn't been normal. Their attitude isn't normal. If they were disappointed in some aspects of their childhood, then let them make the most of their adulthood. You can't do that for them. Ask nothing of them.

You'll never justify yourself in the minds of those who disapprove of you. Give up trying. Find those who can like you for who you are now.

I agree with what Rose said about making sure that you, yourself are taken care of in life. Putting away for inheritance is fine and well meaning, at the same time, your kids are grown now and can begin retirement planning for their own lives.

Is the agreement not yet filed?

You can grow to not hate him and still attend to your own future. What about alimony? He has no say over how you spend each dollar. Since he strayed thus ending your binding marital contract, he's free to choose how he spends his own money. As you determine how to spend your own.

The best gift you can give your kids in years to come is for you to be self-reliant and not needy of them. Allocate your resources to achieve that. If you can go through your life without having to be propped up by your children and if you can leave enough to take care of your funeral and burial, then you'll have left no one with anything to complain about. No one is owed an inheritance.

If there happens to be a few bucks left over when you are gone, the kids will probably just resent who got what, no matter how it's divided up.

I own my house. I have the divorce agreement to say it is mine and that I have control over it. I have agreement that my living expenses while I am living in the house are covered. I have $1000 a month to play with.
I have to figure out how to put up boundaries as to what is my business when talking to my children. With my ex, I told him, when he was threatening my son, that I would phone the police unless he quit it. I am going to go to a lawyer and get advice, so I can have that boundary in place if he threatens me.
My daughter said I should be careful how I act as to how much they will be in my life in the future. I am going to a non-violent communication class tonight, to learn how to tell her, this is not her business. I learnt to do whatever was necessary to get along with my mom who was an alcoholic. I want to learn to do what I want to do to enjoy life now, not just survive. I have a boyfriend who I am learning to say what is important to me. The conversation when it comes to money is way more intimate than sex.

I’ve been following this thread with interest. It’s interesting to learn how different people deal with divorce. And all the many issues involved. You seem to have many. As most do. But you make many curious statements. Now your husband is threatening your son ? Why is your daughter telling you to be “careful “ ? Are you prone to anger ? Do you have a problem with alcohol ?
You said your mom was an alcoholic. I’m asking because I’ve dealt with similar issues. Seems like your daughter is “ threatening you “. I have adult children who I could care less what they think of me. I busted my *** trying to “fix” things with them. They need to learn how to deal with their own issues ! Like growing up ! Also , I cancelled most of my life insurance. You wouldn’t believe the blowback I got from my ex about that one ! Is that all she gave a s*it about ! Inheritance, ha ! In short , you must learn how to care about yourself ! Focus entirely on how to make things better for yourself. Then deal with the rest later !
You said earlier that you were “strong”. Doesn’t seem that way since your life looks like it’s being directed by others. And you seem to have personal issues that need to be addressed. That’s probably why you posted here to begin with. Finally I have to comment on your last sentence. Your conversation with your boyfriend about money is more intimate than sex !!! What does that mean ?
You better watch out for all the leeches out there looking for women that are in your position.
Don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way, please. I’m just trying to share my experience and want to see you come out on top !
I wish you the best.

Thanks for trying to help continuously blue. When my son was not in recovery my ex was threatening to drive him to the bottom of his life in whatever way it took. My ex told my daughter that part of the settlement I got from him was hers, so she cautioned me on how I acted with her money. I grew up with an alcoholic mom, so I have a lot of learned behavior to work on. One of the things I learned was to stand up myself but not in a way that build a bridge to the person I had a conflict with. I want to learn how to say how much I love my family, and to stand firm on what boundary I want them to respect, and to find out where they are coming from. I recently learned how to respect my mom's boundaries, now I have a relationship that is as warm as the one I have with my postman, but we talk respectfully and I look for warmer love elsewhere.

Your ex-husband is a real instigator. There is no such thing as a divorce settlement where you are obligated to allocate some of what is yours toward an inheritance for a daughter. Your husband cooks up the nuttiest stuff that he pulls out of the thin air. You must stop listening to this garbage. Do not even respond to it, neither to him nor to your daughter. What's yours is yours to do with as you see fit. This daughter of yours - I'm sorry to say - is a gold digger. Don't enable that by feeling you have to justify your financial decisions to her. If she's telling you that her relationship with you depends on her getting an inheritance from you, then she is a cold blooded fish. Don't expect much warmth. How stupid does she think you are to be manipulated like that?

Divorce means the marriage is o-v-e-r. Be civil to your husband, but do not give him easy access to you. Your financial affairs are now zero % his business. That's a boundary you need to set. You don't set boundaries by telling people "I'm setting this boundary." You simply don't discuss with people what is not their business. Your daughter is still your daughter. But she is way out of line. You may have to say, "Gee Honey, I'm sorry you feel that way."

Why are these individuals obsessed with what you do with your assets? Do you live in a mansion on a big estate? Is your daughter very insecure in her financial affairs?

The truth is, actually, that adult children generally are very interested in getting an inheritance from their parents - whether it's some linens and kitchen ware, or real estate and financial assets. That's human nature. Often adult children are attentive to parents based on what's "in it" for them. That's some people's human nature. Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to "win" your daughter's affection by dangling money over her head like a plum. My father did that, and he died quite lonely. I don't think you're trying to do that. But you are paying way, way too much attention to crazy talk coming out of your ex and your daughter. That just keeps it going. You don't have to be a captive audience to nonsense. Ignore threats, whether bluntly stated or implied. They are trying to manipulate you because they see you as someone who can be manipulated. Stop being so ready to take in and dwell on every fool thing these two want to throw at you. Do that and you'll be more respected.

You don't need to worry so much about "where they are coming from." It's obvious to me where they are coming from. Know where you're coming from by knowing what you do and what you do not owe others. You may not be able to have the warm relationships with some people that you desire. All you can do is love who you love and hope that they will reciprocate that love. They may not. That is heart-breakingly sad, but you can't control them.

I'm actually a little familiar with the NVC theme. Sounds like mass chaos swirling around you. And I can certainly relate to the importance of we can only control ourselves and our reactions. I think that being able to emotionally detach is a key component in communication when being fed criticisms and judgements towards ourselves.

It's unfair of your ex to have sworn your home to your daughter. That's not how life works. Is she, herself, financially insecure? Do you plan to spend the rest of your life in this home? Will there come a time in the distant future where it will become too much for upkeep and maintenance? What comes to my own mind is that I've watched my grandmom in these past ten or so years need to sell her home and move to independent living and now assisted living. As she said of my late grandfather, he'd be appalled seeing how much prices jumped and skyrocketed. Basically all money has and will provide for her living out her years and her medical bills.

It is not fair of your daughter to attach dollar value on you. Be careful? Careful of not watching every dime? Homes, buildings actually, do decay and can lose value. What if money is spent on repair? Can you speak with a financial planner? Your life Is about You.

I have a plan to sell my home in the next year or two. I am practical about looking at what is the best way for me to live. Problems are so much simpler if I decide what looks good to me instead of considering everyone's fears. I would like to see who I am.
When I sit and listen to my ex try and bully and manipulate and muddy the waters, I am amazed I sat there for twenty seven years. Still, it is scary and lonely making plans by myself. Sometimes I feel like a caveman in some areas that I haven't worked on because I have been too busy reacting to life. And it still hurts when my kids react like I am clearing them as well as all our junk out of my house so I don't have to live like a hoarder. I look at my kitchen and my room and the bathroom, all neat and orderly and smile every time I go in there.

Good for you, making those rooms nice. A woman who can create order where there was messiness has an awesome power. You do not have to preserve that house and it's contents as a shrine to these adult kids. I remember being upset when my mother unburdened herself of what I had left behind when I happily flew the nest. Kids want to have their cake and eat it too. I did. You are not a curator of a museum exhibiting momentos of their lives.

I don't doubt the loneliness that makes even sit downs with the ex seem like a connection to try and preserve. But I think you may be over-connected with him. He does not belong having sit-down conferences with you extensively discussing this, that and the other thing. Since your children are adults, your ex and you should not be spending so much time together. Isn't that the point of divorce. You should run into him, infrequently, at family shindigs, where you make innocuous small talk with him, along the lines of "The days sure have gotten shorter since we turned the clocks back." That's about as close as you want to let him get into your business. Smile, discuss the weather, but make yourself scarce. He's still micro-managing you. None of his business!