[unaluna]

Blueberrybook - not sure what you mean by a raging metabolism? Myself, I try to eat controlled sodium - my Weight Watchers app tells me i am not quite succeeding! I usually eat 2x sodium per calorie - like 1500 calorie, 3000 sodium, where i hope to eat 2000 sodium max a day.

My point is, if i eat "other peoples food" (restaurant, or anything where i dont have the nutrition label in front of me!), well, ive been too afraid to even track, but the extra sodium will make me ravenous, even if my hunger has been on an even keel. I turn into the Salt Sucker from the first ever episide of Star Trek!

But really its like a hole in my stomach. I had some fat free cottage cheese and canned pineapple this past week. Even with my hunger-abating turkey sandwiches, my "full" signal was obliterated. I read somewhere your body is just trying to get enough stuff into you to neutralize the sodium overdose. But its not smart enough to choose wisely. It will even choose more sodium!

Hope this helps im always "sleeping it off" so i dont recommend that!

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 - This is what this board is for, getting out your dark feelings (use the trigger box if you fear they are too triggering). Better take it out writing on this board than doing something like self-harming or something to punish yourself unduly. You can write about the darkness in a journal, but I do find sharing it with people who understand helps me so much more than journalling. It makes me feel less like a freak if you know what I mean? Keep fighting...the fact that you are surviving with an ED for so long means you are a fighter and haven't given up yet. I wish you could find some happiness in your life a friend something like that or even a pet (or are you not allowed to keep pets or feel you can't handle the responsibility?). I have 3 cats and being more independent than dogs are much less work, but still responsbilities especially if you find yourself in frequent hospitalizations with no one to care for them while you are gone.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Blueberrybook - not sure what you mean by a raging metabolism? Myself, I try to eat controlled sodium - my Weight Watchers app tells me i am not quite succeeding! I usually eat 2x sodium per calorie - like 1500 calorie, 3000 sodium, where i hope to eat 2000 sodium max a day.

My point is, if i eat "other peoples food" (restaurant, or anything where i dont have the nutrition label in front of me!), well, ive been too afraid to even track, but the extra sodium will make me ravenous, even if my hunger has been on an even keel. I turn into the Salt Sucker from the first ever episide of Star Trek!

But really its like a hole in my stomach. I had some fat free cottage cheese and canned pineapple this past week. Even with my hunger-abating turkey sandwiches, my "full" signal was obliterated. I read somewhere your body is just trying to get enough stuff into you to neutralize the sodium overdose. But its not smart enough to choose wisely. It will even choose more sodium!

Hope this helps im always "sleeping it off" so i dont recommend that!

It goes beyond being ravenous, just feels like I burn calories so fast, my stomach will be growling often and feeling completely empty. These type of days I can eat and eat and pretty much burn through everything in my thinking as I do not gain weight through them and often end up even losing weight. The thing it most reminds me of was when I was breastfeeding, I was ravenous, couldn't even keep weight on (though my daughter was extremely slow to take to solids, so I pretty much exclusively breastfed her entire first year). But the other times I've felt like this it was right after my metabolism bounced back from my ED initial recovery (it was slow at first) and I mean I didn't binge eat but nearly every hour, 1.5 hr. I have to have something to eat. I feel this way when manic too except then I don't bother to even care to eat, I just have to keep going with whatever projects I have on, don't even bother with food then. Maybe exercise combined with lack of sleep and coffee has brought it on, I really don't know.

[Blueberrybook]

@unaluna - A lot of days I do eat more sodium than recommended once it warms up because I walk most days and I sweat a ton. When I eat lower sodium then sodium and chloride always end up low on my bloodwork. Even my last bloodwork my chloride was right at the threshold for low and the sodium was a bit low (but not overly worrisome according to the doc). I think I lose a lot of it through sweat, and I did walk a long time yesterday, so I may also still be needing something of a catchup on calories. I walked probably 5 days this past week, so I maybe need to add a bit more calories as I believe you burn more calories walking in the heat & humidity, and it's definitely been getting much worse here as summer approaches. Maybe I need to start drinking Gatorade or Powerade after my walks.

[unaluna]

Blueberrybook - thanks for sharing your insights. I notice i get unduly ravenous if i ignore my hunger and postpone a meal. It feels like i trigger something from either my early dieting days or schooldays, when i never ate breakfast. Nowadays they say not to let yourself get too hungry / hangry. I still aspire to your mileage!!

[Blueberrybook]

After lunch now I feel things are calming down for me a bit, so much so I want to take a nap. Just have to get H's lunch ready (he slept in) and then I'm going to try and sleep a bit.

[Autumn88]

Thank you for your support and reassurance.
The last thing I would want to do here is trogger any of you.

A friend?
Oddly enough...seems just lost my one and only friend in a horrible and juvenile argument, a " text war" with my ex who was supposed to have been my only friend in this huge horrible city.

A pet?

I had to.let my precious sweet beloved kitty. Sam,go 4 years ago.

He had diabetes and Hugh bl**,d pressure.
Had to give him insulin and b/,p meds twice a day...he got sicker...it was one of the hardest things zi have ever gone through

And no, as the adopti9n applications always ask," Who is your " back up" person?"
Well.
I haven't anyone.
I cant afford quality food, vet visits.

I have long3d for a pysch service dog but it takes years and a lot of money I do t have to be able to be granted one.

I feel like everywhere I go people expect me to have all these " supports" that most people are blessed with.

And like I am at fault for not having them, especially due to.my stigmatising BPD dx.

I'm sorry.
I really am
I sincerely appreciate your effort to help but my circumstances make recovery, such an illusion.

I don't even think my pyschiatrist has any full.50.mi use sessions booked for me anytime soon.
He js away tomorrow and Tuesday so can't even call and tell him how badly I am.struggling, how a decades long relationship just ended for good.

I am broken.
I have nobody.

I live way below the poverty line.

Ok.
I am whining.
Forgive me.

Been such a bad day.
Only just before 4 PM.

Tired.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry @Autumn88 and @MuddyBoots that both of you are struggling with the ED. This morning I did overexercise a bit, but I woke up very energetic, more energetic than usual so it was hard to rein myself in.

But on the positive, I'm still feeling good about my body image and I finished the leftover hamburger yesterday for lunch as well as a chocolate cupcake my sister sent along leftover from my nephew's party. And didn't feel regrets after eating either one.

I do feel less wound up than yesterday morning, thankfully. I think lack of sleep messed with me a bit, could have had some minor hypomania from it until I managed a nap in the afternoon. If I don't sleep well, bipolar mania comes on me very quickly.

muddy, I wish you could find better support to help you with your ED as it sounds like things are going from bad to worse for you. Please be careful.

@Blue_Bird - How have you been doing lately? I know sometimes you struggle with things a bit.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

@Blue_Bird - How have you been doing lately? I know sometimes you struggle with things a bit.

Im doing pretty good! Haven’t been struggling with binging or purging or overexercising lately. Haven’t been obsessed with my weight lately either. I’ve been doing good all around

Hugs to everyone

[Blueberrybook]

@Blue_Bird That is fantastic news! It's always great to have good reports on this thread. I love for others to see recovery from an ED is possible and that there is hope.

[Autumn88]

Hello, friends...

So, for once I have some POSITIVE news to share! Yes, ME...however still struggling in many respects.

Will begin with the positives.

Over the past believe 4 days I have been eating again.

No, not at all the three meals and two to three snacks a day as I was taught every time I have been in treatment, not anywhere near what every dietian would say is enough food, or what my GP has repeatedly told me is nearly enough calories,, and letting x or more hours go without eating as they also drilled into me in treatment, but HAVE been listening to my hunger cues, which are still all over the place and indeed a signal I ought to have had those three meals two to three snacks a day, which can trigger both restricting and bingeing...

But THREE days in a row, have had breakfast, but as much as I can manage, because yes still ( especially because I am trying to mute it out) have the ED " voice " loudly ordering me around, and with every bite, it berates me, tells me I am going to get f*t, tries to tell me what foods are safe" and which are " forbidden" and is very very loud when I don't listen, don't restrict...well, aware I am still in a calorie deficit, and find myself estimating calories, and the tremendous guilt and fear while eating and afterward remain.

I bought some " new" thrift store summer skirts and dresses that are lovely, but when I had to pick through the store rack and bypass the size I was a year ago, I felt this dark longing this disgust, this shame, this sense of failure...

Lovely things to wear but a " Bad body image day"?

This is my everyday ALL day.

I am not really body checking, but still feel this adult woman's body is not me,is uninhabitable, an object.

But another positive is that the past two days as both my ED and OCD order me to do-hop outta bed and step on the scale first thing in the morning, check my BMI, record it had begun to again be my old familiar compulsion, weighing myself multiple times a day, and either getting my dopamine hit if the number had dropped, or anxiety, and again sense of failure if it had stayed the same, or was higher....

I have stayed off that scale!!!

And even my GP does not weigh me. Saying. " I think it's best you not know."

(Even being weighed backwards causes me anxiey.)

But what else is a positive?

I have been drinking more water, probably still not enough, but also not too much, as that has always dropped my sodium level.

I have stopped a couple other behaviours, but still tempted...

Long story but have my best friend. My only friend back in my life, asking me to have a picnic with me, and my feeling frantic over all the food he said he's gonna bring. Shamefully putting g him through my annoying nonsense again," That's so much food!" " I'm gonna get f*t!"

And he says, patiently," No,it's not. I want you to enjoy your life."

And just yesterday he made me something for lunch,(He has chef training, so can cook amazing food.), and bought me something for dinner

It used to really make me angry that I felt ( and still do) thst he presses food on me, and not just when I have been emaciated ( when I was seriously ill I would defiantly refuse food from him, ignoring my healthy "voice," that he always was/does make me food or but me food out of concern and love.) but now that I am an obvious healthy weight...

Forgive me for such a long post, and believe me, this is not perfection, I am aware that I am still sick, and even my pyschiatrist/ therapist said recently," I think your eating disorder will always be an issue, something that will never completely go away, but can only be managed."

As well the echo of my IP therapist telling me at my age, with how long I have suffered and how many times I have been in treatment, my chance of recovery is, pardon the " pun", slim.

This is all very disheartening, depressing...

It makes me feel like I will be plagued with fearing gaining weight, of shamefully comparing when in public, and that " voice,"...

I have so much stress, feel empty of identity, purpose, which the ED tells me it can easily provide me with, and that temptation to numb my overwhelming emotions, be my best friend....

But...I am trying my best right now.

But frustrated I have not been taking the best care of myself. When I know HOW to-

But as well as hating my body as I mentioned, I despise my INNER self, HATE whomever I am. Feel I do not deserve to be good to myself...

Turmoil.

And sorry, will stop now...

If you have endured reading this post, thank you.

And know that all of you, whatever ED you are afflicted with, keep fighting.

Much love to you all.

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 - It's wonderful to hear positive news from you! What changed for you? I know for me, the ED will always be with me in some respects (most especially the compulsive exercise), but at least it's reined in some, and I do eat enough to maintain a healthy BMI. It's hard not to listen to the ED voice/thoughts but does get (somewhat) easier with time.

I have been doing fairly well lately. Today, I'm feeling pretty positive about my body image, that's always a plus. Like Autumn88, I am trying to drink more water as my walks in the morning dehydrate me with how hot & humid it is outside. I had routine bloodwork done a few weeks ago, and the kidney numbers were all bad, but the doctor said if I was dehydrated it could cause that (of course, when dehydrated you see lower numbers on the scale...). So I'm trying to be good about hydration and repeating the bloodwork this coming week.

@MuddyBoots - How are you doing? I know ED's are such a struggle.

[MuddyBoots]

Yes, EDs are indeed a struggle. Ate a decent amount after getting drunk last night though.

[Blueberrybook]

I did pilates today which is much less demanding (and burns a lot fewer calories) than power walking. My muscles & body needed it though the compulsion to walk instead was strong. It helped that I scheduled grocery pickup pretty early too so I didn't have as much time to exercise today, and it was too hot to walk once I was done with getting the groceries and putting them away. I know it's good to listen to your body but it can be hard!

[MuddyBoots]

I was dumb and bought a scale today. I'm going to return it tomorrow, maybe even tonight. I get weighed every Wednesday when I show up for med management anyway, so I don't know why I bothered with a $10 scale from a discount store that's probably not even accurate anyway.

I told my therapist I was struggling a lot with eating, especially being more active these days, and she just kinda said "I know you'll tell me when you need to go to the hospital. Yeah, you did all these self-destructive behaviors, but you called the emergency line so that shows you're trying." She asked if I was trying to eat, and I said "yes" because I do eat and put a lot of effort into the little bit I do manage, but I'm not trying to eat enough. I should've clarified that.

I feel quite in crisis right now honestly. I don't even want to call the emergency number because (I think my CM is handling calls right now for one) and they'll think I'm doing good because I'm calling. Which is kinda the opposite of what it means, but whatever. I'll come up with my own plan. I'm at the library so I'll read a few chapters of my book, do some journaling, and work on some of the DBT worksheets I assigned myself this week.

[Autumn88]

Hello, @Blueberrybook,

Good for you for resisting the urge to walk, especially in the heat and humidity.

It is something to be very proud of when you listen to and honor your body!

I wanted to gently ask you, ( And forgive me if I am overstepping and no pressure to answer) what do you think k is at the core of that fierce drive to push your body so hard?

Would you say there is a deeply ingrained, early learned trait of perfectionism within you?

I'm sorry if my thoughts are simplifying how you experience how your ED manifests, you ate a complex human being, with your own personal history, and we all certainly do not all fit into clichés that the professionals check off one by one-

I'm also sure that you have likely explored this, having g noticed how attuned you ate to your mind and body, I just worry about how hard you feel you need to push yourself...

I am sorry that I can't fully relate to your struggle with over exercise, ad I mentioned it was only something I engaged in briefly, to b*rn calories, until I seriously I seriously Injured my foot.
I also just simply ended up with zero energy to even manage a short walk around the block..

...Please, indeed do try to drink.enpugh water.
From personal ( and scary) experience I can tell you, as you know, how dangerous both restricting and water loading can be..

I'm sorry.
I hope I haven't pried.
I just sincerely care, and I appreciate your kindness and encouragement for me...

I am feeling lost without the ( sick) steadying, numbing of fully restricting.

I had breakfast this morning, well. Again. Not enough, not balanced.

I have another isdue-food insecurity.
I am on disability, and have as well admittedly been a little reckless with my cash already this month...

So, for the first time in a long time am gonna hafta use the foodbank.

Closest one to me open only once this week, plan on trying a church community dinner tomorrow...IF I even will ha e enough mo ry to get there as it is too far to walk, especially with my still painful sprained foot from that fall while I had been eating g ne y to nothing, a d my chronic sciatic pain...using my old trusty cane still..

My friend, whom still had me confused fir yet again being very cruel to loving g and nurturing brought me dinner last night, and I hate myself that I hear rolling g off.my tongue at him, the ancient and annoying," That's so much food!"

And yet, I dutifully ate it it all...yes, fearfully, with sickening guilt...but I also ENJOYED it...

But.. that scares me.

He complimented me on my " classy" dress, but I still am uncomfortable, outright truggerd by comments, especially " compliments " on my body...

But, I said thank you, while all at once looking down at my body, and how awful I felt it looked on me, and ashamed at myself while he and I were sitting there in the park, me eating, angry he was not eating WITH me, saud he ate before...
All these women passing bu, walking their dogs, jogging...can't help myself from comparing...

So...it's Sunday.

I am still not eating in a regimented nor truly inuitive way.

I have no food in the fridge, and no cash really...

Will have water with lemon, my supplements...calcium a d vitamin D should really never be skipped with my thinning bones..

Just...feels so foreign to honor my body.

And I just feel like restricting makes me feel....purified...

Ok...

I am sorry to go on and on again...

Thinking of you @ Blueberrybook and @MuddyBoots...as well as each and every o e of you...much much love and strength to you all.

[Blueberrybook]

Definitely I'm a perfectionist. In school if I didn't get 95% or above on an assignment, I felt absolutely like a failure, and I graduated first in my high school class. Then, I graduated summa cum laude with all As and one B from college and went on to get an M.S.

In school, I was unhappy with my image, always felt fat (though I wasn't ever really overweight, high normal BMI maybe?). But then in college. yeah, I started on the ED path.

It's not so much that I restrict water as in I just don't drink enough of it and on the flipside tend to drink too much soda and coffee which do act a bit as diuretics. It's not so much to lose weight as in I find water boring to drink (I don't know, maybe I like the bit of a jolt caffeine gives me as well) but of course, with walking in the summer even though I start before sunrise, it's very hot and humid and then I see smaller numbers on the scale with how much I sweat...ugh! Stupid ED and stupid scale! I wish I had the willpower to get rid of the scale though I think I'm a bit like @Blue_Bird wrote in that knowing what I weigh makes me feel I have more control of my weight, but it's a slippery slope. I'm doing well with water consumption today though I did finally get some flavored sparkling water to see if variety would help me a bit with that.

I have a lot of appts. this week, most of which are in the morning when I go walking, so I'll probably be doing pilates more this week. It's easier to do pilates again that my wrist finally healed from the sprain I got in early May, and that should help with hydration too. Before I sprained my wrist I was better with the exercise, alternating pilates and walking and then taking a rest day weekly. I don't think I've taken a rest day in a month; I really do need to take a day off exercise now and again.

[Autumn88]

@MuddyBoots,

Sounds like there is such an intense abd overwhelming internal battle within you...and I wholly empathise...

You seem to be being dismissed while even in crisis as I so often am ( as I am sure you often experience) due to my BPD dx...)

I admire you for working so hard turning to DBT and other self help.

Keep reaching out to us, forgive me for nkt having the perfect words to comfort you. But know that I am listening, and I care.

Hope today is being kind to you.

[MuddyBoots]

@Blueberrybook, not sure if they’re exactly hydrating, but there are caffeinated sparkling water drinks. No way can they be as dehydrating as say coffee at the least.

[MuddyBoots]

Talked to my CM earlier. She says I look better than before the hospital, “have life in my eyes.” Asked why I don’t want to go back to dog walking and I told her some times I feel like I’m gonna pass out on my way to meds, I can’t walk to the bus station, the 15-20min walk from the stop to the shelter, walk dogs, clean cages, etc. for two hours, and then get back home once a week every week on a set schedule. Yeah, I can walk around, but other than to get meds no one is relying on me to do so at a certain time every week for 2+ hours straight (not even including the walk to/from bus stops—and paying bus fare).

She asked how I’m eating, I said shyttily, she asked what I had today and didn’t praise me so I guess that means I did really bad (I’ve had the same snack 4x in the past two days for my “meals.”) Didn’t say anything or have suggestions or anything, no further questions about the rest of the day.

Oh wait, I said I drank water and tea too, and she was really happy about that, so I guess I did get some praise.

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry things are so hard for you @MuddyBoots

I had the repeat bloodwork for the kidneys and hopefully things are better this time around as I am a lot better hydrated and have been exercising less strenuously the past week, doing more pilates instead of power walking though I've had early appts. that played into the decision too. But whatever works.

[MuddyBoots]

Got away with not being weighed today (supposed to have weekly weigh-ins on Weds) because my normal nurse wasn't there.

Had a whole meal plan made out n shyt for today (with a lot of yogurt because I bought a big container for more for less money reasons) but then was thinking I'd reward myself for the weigh-in with a bakery trip for nice coffee and a donut or something which didn't happen and now I'm at the library and they're doing this music thing in a few hours so I don't really want to leave just to eat and come back or miss it.

Idk, might read and journal until I lose focus and suck it up and go back home to eat.

[unaluna]

My dr commented on all my lab results: "stable / improving". Altho it did not include hba1c (long term blood sugar). So i feel pretty good about that.

I am planning to ask him tomorrow about trying wegovy etc again. The first time i tried it, i was having weird abdomen pains (i think gas due to lactose intolerance) even before i started on it, enough so that i even went to urgent care. Then i stopped taking it because the pains were waking me up at night.

So now i feel like i would be starting from a position of better health and eating habits. Plus i have an aunt still living on my mothers side who is 20+ years older than i am, and on my fathers side my youngest uncle just passed at 97. So i could still be here for a while. Live slow and leave a wrinkly arse corpse.

[Blueberrybook]

I got my lab results back for the BMP (basic metabolic panel). All in the green, including the kidney numbers. So thankfully hydrating really helped matters out a lot! I'm feeling sparkling flavored water easier to drink than regular water, but at least it got me drinking less coffee and soda.

I'm sure the coffee and soda didn't help my situation with my teeth as when I went to the dentist this month, I had 4 cavities and needed 2 crowns. I've had half the dental work done (1 crown, 2 fillings) and will get the other half done when the permanent crown comes in in a couple weeks. I had to pay $500 with dental insurance just for the first half of the treatment, and I anticipate the cost will be similar for the 2nd half. Dental work is not cheap! Part of the cause is the ED stripping away calcium and also causing me to start grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw - 2 behaviors that I still cannot stop. I am going to try a nightguard again once I get this dental work finished. The dentist told me he could do a lower tooth mouthguard and I'm hoping maybe I can keep that in better than I could the upper tooth ones I've tried in the past. EDs are definitely the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to your dental health and definitely not in a good way! I can't even begin to count the number of crowns I've had along with a root canal. And because of the grinding, I grind away old crowns to the point they either break or grind almost completely away and have to replace them. I've spent a fortune on dental work.

[MuddyBoots]

Someone asked me to lunch today so i went and tried to pretend for a few hours I didn’t have an eating disorder. The thoughts were there but I swear I ate more at lunch than I had and held down in any single full day over the past month or more.

I have a lot of anxiety about it right now, but nothing to do so…