[Autumn88]

* Sorry for stupid typos, useless at typing on a phone...no laptop right now.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Autumn88

* Sorry for stupid typos, useless at typing on a phone...no laptop right now.

That happens to me all the time when I type on a phone, no worries.

Sorry things are hard for you.

I actually did listen to my body in regards to exercise today and just did a pilates video. Well, I can't say it was totally listening to my body, I really wanted to power walk, but I had a dental appt. I had to get ready for and didn't have the time to go on my walk. Now I'm feeling all stressed though I think it is not the lack of exercise so much as the dental visit. (I need 2 crowns and 2 fillings on top of that, and I just saw the denist in early Dec. 2024!). I grind my teeth, can't keep a nightguard in, I started that in college and I had a dentist tell me it was likely from lack of nutrition from the ED. But even though my eating is fine, I still grind/clench my teeth, especially overnight. EDs...the gift that keeps on giving. Now I have nearly $1000 of dental work coming up to look forward to.

[Autumn88]

Oh, @Blueberrybook!

Terribly sorry you need so much dental work!

I have to see my dentist too.

I worry about my osteopenia ( thank you ED) having leeched my teeth of calcium.

Supposed to take my calcium.a d vitamin D everyday and have other supplements...

But admittedly in.a bad self destructive head space right now and am nor bothering to take them.

Of course just one day out of hospital, but having trouble with doing, " The next right thing."

I don't grind my teeth, but my jaw clenches when I am anxious.

Sorry to selfishly rant about my stuff...

My heart goes out to you.

You deserve far lovelier things to do with that cash rather than the dentist...

[MuddyBoots]

Ahh autumn this IS the place to “selfishly rant!” (Without worrying about typos too)

Hugs to both you guys

[Autumn88]

Thank you for your warmth here @MuddyBoots.

You are a very giving soul.

Here to listen.

Take good care of you!

[Autumn88]

Horrible horrible day!!

Maladaptive " coping skills,"

The ED is raging l, and so.am I.

I guess that's all...

I have I guess.. " fallen down the ED's rabbit hole"...

Wo t go I to detail.
Just...not not trying.at all right now.

I would love to.go to residential.
But um, kinda lack the 30-85 grand they want.

Not u.derweight.

But still...i acknowledge I am..sick.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Autumn88

Horrible horrible day!!

Maladaptive " coping skills,"

The ED is raging l, and so.am I.

I guess that's all...

I have I guess.. " fallen down the ED's rabbit hole"...

Wo t go I to detail.
Just...not not trying.at all right now.

I would love to.go to residential.
But um, kinda lack the 30-85 grand they want.

Not u.derweight.

But still...i acknowledge I am..sick.

Are any PHPs available to you? That was what I was initially suggested but got denied because of being "too acute" (was in a psych ward at the time, have had several bags of IV fluids in the prior weeks and too many of my blood sugar readings were "you're passing out drink some juice right now" low, and am underweight, so I understand) (yet I'm "not critical enough" for inpatient so was told to do residential but of course insurance won't cover that).

Mine's bad today too, but I have a bit of fight in me to at least stress over my restriction/extreme recent calorie deficits and reach out to my team's emergency line for help, but I guess not enough to eat more than a bite of my dinner.

[Autumn88]

I am so sorry you ate struggling @MuddyBoots

Yes, there is an a PHP here.
So far to travel to though.
Don't know if it would be enough support...
Sorry, should not make excuses, I know, but...

I am really sorry you have been so dangerously ill.

I know how hard it is, but please try and take care of yourself.

I know your country's insurance system is evil.

Wish you could go to residential.
Wish I could too

Sending much support.

[Autumn88]

3:53 AM

Have been awake for almost 4 hours, having been so deeply depressed took my night meds early, so of course, I woke up with a start at close to midnight here...

Anyway.
Early start to already a bad day, acting on behaviours, and feeling guilty about it. The ED is already tricking me, my " healthy side", I am admittedly not paying any attention to.

My pyschiatrist/therapist had only like 5 minutes for me between patients to " check in for an update"...will call me next Wednesday but dunno how much time he will have, so have to quickly squeeze in my limited time to talk to him to tell him I am struggling, that my eating disorder, as he always says, " is active right how"...

I need to be honest.

But dunno if I can listen to him tell me what I already know...but the ED has appeared to have me still in sort of...detached daze. Yet fiercely so sickly determined.
Again.

Do not recommend this " life" to any of you.

The ED, I again,is, LOGICALLY KNOW(!!!) a liar...

I am FEELING like I am coping ..but, rather, faltering again, just started this up a few days ago, feels like a lifetime already...

But....of course it has already BEEN a lifetime of this horrible illness...

Enough middle of the night rambling on again, sorry.

Thank you for reading if you have, and take good care of yourselves, please.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, I'm proud of you for trying to rest your body. And keep working on eating those bites and not purging. You do not actually need an IP ED treatment center to recover (unless you are at the feeding tube point). I did it pretty much on my own, and quite frankly, I think that may have been the reason my recovery stuck so well. I am extremely proud of my grit and determination to get through it. I've been thru a lot of crap in my life - physical, mental, sexual abuse, gunshots fired into my apartment, a pdoc telling me I would commit suicide if I got off meds, bad psychosis/hospitalizations, misdiagnoses. My last psych hospitalization was so bad, I was psychotic, lost my voice from screaming, blanked out like 5 days with nearly zero memory of them & woke up in full restraints and even worse a diaper & no voice to communicate with anyone, a perforated ulcer surgery with a h*llish recovery, PTSD & even more crap. But I'll tell you recovering from the ED was harder to get thru all those things combined for me. It is no cakewalk but in my mind it is tantamount to climbing Mt. Everest.

And @Autumn88 It is never too late to turn over a new leaf and rewrite the rest of your life story. Just out of curiousity, what is your age? I am sorry you have battled the ED for so long. It is helpful to me to have a family - a teenaged daughter I do not want to have to turn out with body issues & a husband who cares & lets me know he feels I am starting to slip. I cook meals for my family as my H works, and it would be questionable to everyone if I did not eat them. I never could effect vomiting well as a way of purging (definitely a blessing) but I always purged thru excessive exercise when my ED got bad (before I got married). Keep fighting; believe it or not, there is a good life you can live for. Do you have any hobbies you can embrace to take your mind off food & eating? I had to start a lot of them when I recovered - bought a lot of kits at the hobby store, did jigsaw puzzles, colored, worked on reading, did crosswords, word searches, etc. Basically used CBT to get my mind off things (how bad I felt for actually eating & my weight) and stopping the exercise until I was well enough for moderate walking. Now to help my anxiety/bipolar I draw a lot & have started watercolor painting (I have threads in the Creative Corner forum with my sketches & paintings). It pretty much clears my mind of everything but the art which is such a blessing. (I didn't sleep well with the malnutrition from the ED either. I still wouldn't sleep well if I weren't on Seroquel & sometimes using melatonin too for sleep. Sleep has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember, and my mom says I didn't sleep well as a baby & toddler either.) I'd recommend watercolor painting to everyone even if you do not feel you are very artistic. I bought a 4 step instruction book and a set of around 36 watercolors in a tray and am loving it. Even if you are not artistic, just putting the paint down on paper (watercolor paper so it doesn't leak thru) is so, so so satisfying. You can paint abstractly of your emotions, it is very cathartic. Well, all this is more about hobbies than the ED but also ways to relax & get your mind off food. I don't know about you but in the worst of my ED all I could think about was food, calories, burning calories, my awful "heavy" weight, watching the food network a ton, exercise, God it was awful. Pretty much constantly on my mind.

[Mountaindewed]

Idk if I'm just not hungry vs restriction and then just craving certain things vs restriction. I seem to get full easily but my therapist mentioned some meds and some physical issues but then brought up the ED history. I guess I'm not really trying on purpose but I don't mind that they are happening.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I don't know about you but in the worst of my ED all I could think about was food, calories, burning calories, my awful "heavy" weight, watching the food network a ton, exercise, God it was awful. Pretty much constantly on my mind.

I know that part was to autumn, but that's kind of the best part of my ED. I don't watch TV or any food stuff online, but I am always thinking about food, weight, calories, etc. and honestly that's better than a lot of the stuff I thought about in the past. I'd rather have personally unhealthy food/body obsessions than HI or direct that loathing, hatred, and violence towards others in other ways. I know I hurt people "who care" (and don't show it or show it in fked up ways) by "hurting" myself this way, but I'd rather do that than hurt them directly and get in more legal trouble instead of getting sick.

I don't think I really know what love or compassion towards people is/can be. Yeah, I can "fall in love" but that's more "hey, I saw you for 5 seconds, you asked me to sign a petition outside the grocery store and complemented my shirt and asked for my number but when I didn't get a call back I just hated myself more because I thought I was worthy but I'm not" or

Possible trigger:

"you picked me up at the library and we had a one-night stand and I'm incredibly grateful and surprised you didn't hurt me other than the fact the next morning I know we'll probably never meet again and I'll really be alone forever" situations. Or that on/off for years relationship of being used as a sex toy, being cheated on, being persuaded into porn while manic and psychotic, being made promises "I'll help you out" and that "help" was "here's some drugs." Or the one we were obsessed with each other but I got engulfment fears, broke it off, and she intentionally overdosed on a heroin/cocaine combo. And those "I'm only doing this because I love you" statements before straight-up abusive punishments growing up. So, yeah, loathing and intense attachment I understand. True love I do not.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, constant ED thoughts/actions like you said do hurt someone...it hurts YOU. I have to give you, yes, it's worse to have constant suicidal ideations/thoughts than ED thoughts or thoughts of harming other people, but you have to admit none of having an ED and ED thinking is "fun" or exactly good for you. I mean, it never was for me at least. Better to be lost in books, embracing hobbies, volunteering getting your mind OFF the d*mn ED and onto something productive (your math, for instance?). But it's hard to do things like concentrate & sleep when you don't take in adequate calories. Most of my day I'm relatively free of ED thinking other than the exercise in the morning and the scale but I eat quite a lot due to the exercise and don't feel badly about it (once I learned how to use the ignore feature on this forum, but you know what I mean and maybe you need too as well...?) I don't even have "good" and "bad" foods or "safe" foods any more. It is so freeing to be able to go about my day not obsessing about ED thoughts constantly.

[MuddyBoots]

I’m good with hurting myself though. I mean I can still do my math and read and all that. I don’t volunteer at the shelter, but taking the bus there, doing the 20 minute walk the rest of the day, spending 2 hours walking dogs, then getting back to the bus stop probably would’ve gotten old and I’m okay with not reading or doing math 12 hours a day.

[Autumn88]

Thank you for caring, @Blueberrybook, and for sharing very tangible strategies which have helped you reach a place of real recovery.

I will be half a century old this July.

All I have ever known is my ED which began in professional ballet school at age 11, but really if you were to ask my mum before she was Tragically stricken with dementia, she would say since I was 18 months old, when she woukd sit me on the counter offering me all kinds of foods, desperately trying to get me to eat, and I would clamp my mouth shut, and say "No!"....

Anyway, my entire life has been about " living" with an eating disorder.

I am/ was a writer, a dancers and actress.

I am dreadful. at visual.art which is why every time I am in hospital I hate art therapy, unless they are kind enough to just let me sit and write poetry...

I admire you possess artistic gifts m, and so uncanny you have suggested watercolours, as very recently bought a box and watercolour paper...

Without any painting or drawing taken all I have done so far is, as you sayd, pai t my emotions abstractly...

I have only admittedly sat down to try a couple times, and it would be a mindful, relaxing distraction for awhile indeed...

I am glad you have a supportive husband and that you're setting a positive example fie your daughter.

I never married, never had children.

I have only one friend I my city.

An ex with whom I am now just very close friends with.

I have put him through he'll with my ED over the past decade I have known him.

He is less worried about me now that, as he always says," you got your weight back", but still worries about me, asks," What did you eat today," And he's always making new food...when I am a little more well, I appreciate it
I never throw out his good food he took tome to make me and bring me out of love..

However, I have tried to persuade him to educate himself on EDs, but he never has, as far as I know...yet he obsessively researches all other manner of ( physical) illnesses...

As well, all the time, I have to re state my boundary that he not make commens about my body.
(Never critical, but things I find disgusting.)
He always days," I am just trying to give you confidence."

But no, personally those comments mane me feel nothing but a profound hatred of my body.

Other than my pyschiatrist/therapist I have zero support.

I am estranged from my " family".

No longer do I have at least ine female friend to you fir coffee with...( or Sunday BRUNCH!!!) as I dud when I was younger...

Tough to make new friends at my age

I ha ve terrible social anxiety and can't imagine seeking out some meet up group.

Need to search again fir am in petsoon ACOA group.

Think that would be goimid in a thousand kinds of ways.

I appreciate your encouragement, but...I don't think I have much to look forward to.
I have been unstable for a year now wirh all my dxs...I have a lot of stress and CPSD really, living in a horrible building that is unsafe.

So...not really motivated to go.gu g ho recovery just fir NE ( as I should ai know, but my head says," For what??)

If I too had a family and had the inspiration a d drive to write a d especially act again...but...depression a d anxiety etc...the eating disorder, etc etc...all rhse barriers.

I am sorry to.be so negative!

I sincerely thank you for trying so hard to help me, a nd know that I find you quire an inspiration!.

Again...forgive terrible typos.
Not intoxicated just lousy at typing a d too tired to go back and correct them all...

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 - I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. Having an ED my entire life, I couldn't even begin to imagine. I hope you do some abstract paintings with watercolor and if you're up to it, you can post pictures of them to share in the Creative Corner forum. I post there most days, and I love seeing other people's creativity. If you write any poetry you can post your poems there as well. You are an excellent writer.

I overdid it a bit with exercise this morning even though I was dead tired (woke at 3:30 AM and couldn't go back to sleep and I started my period yesterday). Sometimes I think having strong willpower to do certain things (especially in regards to ED stuff - overexercise, restricting, recovery) is both a blessing & a curse. Most normal people would not have walked so far especially not overtired and in this awful heat & humidity. Tomorrow will be a pilates day anyway as I have grocery pickup in the morning, and I like to get cleaned up beforehand. I have to do the gentlest of beginner pilates videos as I sprained my wrist in a fall on a pile of dirt when we had our pipes redone, and it was almost better until I overbalanced over the couch arm trying to get the TV remote off the floor but that's another story.

Today is a day that will be something of a challenge for me. We are going to my nephew's graduation party later today, and my sister will put out a giant spread of refreshments knowing her. I want to eat what I want, don't overeat use intuitive eating. After the party, my parents are taking all the direct family out to eat at a hamburger place that serves giant burgers. Though the place has a Subway in it too, so that's an option, but right now I am wanting a hamburger & fries, I haven't had a large hamburger like that since my ILs used to visit (before MIL died & FIL is in a care home) because we rarely eat out due to how expensive it has become. My goal is to eat what I want of the burger, take the leftovers home for tomorrow don't stuff myself but enjoy myself. This is something of an eating challenge - both a party and on top of it a hamburger place, but I think am up for it. At least I feel that way right now. It's something I really haven't had to do in a very long time if ever. Intuitive eating, I need to remember that.

[Autumn88]

Hello, @Blueberrybook...

Thank you for encouraging me to write and paint.

I am sorry you struggle with over excersise, that is something I really only engaged in once,a couple years ago.

I seriously injured my foot doing something high impact and my doctor warned me that my weakened bones can fracture easily wirh that type of exercise.

I stopped, that was such a brief behaviour I engaged in, my whole history ( Apart from my days as a young ballet student dancing hours and hours on little fuel) of my ED I have always been too exhausted to exercise, often even short walks were ( and yet again are) too tiring...

I can understand the compulsion though...please listen to your body.
You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself...

As for your family gathering and the food involved, you have such a recovery centered mindset that I hope you will enjoy that burger and the time with your loved ones.

You possess a great deal of self awareness and inner strength I admire.

I know that I too, somewhere within me have that insight into my illness, and a great amount of inner strength, relisency...

But right now, it is muted out by my eating disorder again...

Anyway...thank you for your kindness and for sharing.

Take good care of you.

[MuddyBoots]

How do you guys explain that just because you "have daily nutrition" doesn't mean it's adequate nutrition to a pdoc in a 20 minute appointment that also has to go over the basic sleep, meds, mood, psychotic symptoms, substance use, etc. stuff?

literally yesterday my "nutrition" was half a cup of almond milk in tea, today was 6 bites of some leftovers, but that should count "as nutrition" because it is stuff consumed by mouth with nutrients in it, but I wouldn't say that means my eating disorder isn't at an all time low since getting out of the hospital (and a lot of time when I'm in a voluntary stay at my regular place, the NP discharges me "too soon" according to my pdoc because she's afraid being there too long re-traumatizes me, but I feel THIS past stay falls under that category more than any other stay at the regular place).

[Blueberrybook]

Muddy, I wonder if they discharge you too soon just to punt the ED onto someone else so as not to have to deal with it themselves and could care less how much the stay does or doesn’t traumatize you?

[Blueberrybook]

Eating went so well today,. I am so proud of myself for eating what I wanted but not overeating either .

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Muddy, I wonder if they discharge you too soon just to punt the ED onto someone else so as not to have to deal with it themselves and could care less how much the stay does or doesn’t traumatize you?

They've said that even when I'm not struggling as much with it in the past though and my problems were more CPTSD stuff (which they don't know how to treat complex trauma on inpatient units either so that's still a valid point). (This last IEA though they d/c'd me because they didn't want to go through the paperwork to extend it past the 10 business days when I went through great lengths to hide anything that would make them do that).

[Autumn88]

Hello.

Just pathetic me again. Forgive me for not being very supportive past few days.

After just a few days of heavily restricting the voice of Dr.S. my pyschiatrist and therapist trying drill into.my head that " The older you get, the less ab*se your body can take"-and certainly. I am already so fatigued two nights in a row have crashed out very early, and upon waking( still, still exhausted) shocked to look at my med blister pack to discover I had not even taken my night meds...

This is terribly uncharacteristic of me.

I have not been able to sleep without meds since I was 17...and often even on my heavy " cocktail " still can't sleep at all.

Consequences.

And....um...yesterday, outside, had another fall.
Already. After about a year not having had one...
Hurt my foot. With my osteopenia had to go to.emerg to get an x ray, but" just a sprain"...had mentioned to the triage nurse my few days of restricting, she was lovely but it made me so sad when she asked," Who supports you with your eating disorder?" Looked at the floor, quietly said my pyschiatrist however only when my health is failing, or the maddening intrusive " voice" of the ED forces itself to the forefront of my mind , and I start heeding it's demands, it's sick.lying promise I am " not alone anymore"...

Said. As you can see in my chart, have a whole myriad of mental health dxs he also needs to focus on with me...

The emerg doctor was also kind, but...such a chronic " case" needing medical attention, all she could do was offer me something to.eat...and. forgive me, friends, I said that old, familiar and echoing,"No thank you."

Told to see my GP in two days.
How?
Weekend.
Will be lucky if I call tomorrow and get to see him this week...

I am on that horrible bullet train again...it isn't stopping.

My old terror had returned.

My depression so bad I dream very sad dreams now.

A lot of haunting loss...

At least my freaking high school dream.this morning which has not dissipated.

I know...my brain is already starved.

It scares me to have to finally admit that Dr.S had always been right...

I am trying hard not to go into triggering details...Just...know that I hate myself so much for not taking care of myself.

I am both numbed out and needing to weep for hours until the poisons of my past are buried deep, never to torment me again...

As well as how triggering an unsafe dump this building has now has become.

Yet another person named on the front door banned from trespassing.

In fact, downstairs a whole " wall of shame" of all these criminals legally not permitted to enter the building.

Ugh...sorry.

Apparently my brain, my already poor straved brain is triggering g my CPTSD symptoms, triggering stress hormones, the adrenaline, the cortisol surging through my brain and body...afraid all the time.

And my eating disorder already controlling me and affecting physically and mentally.

So in a thousand kinds of ways it is, I acknowledge, back in full force.

Already back to wandering grocery stores at first with the motivation of the " best of intentions " and again, end up overwhelmed, bewildered...too many choices what can I manage?

I don't think I need to ramble on about this anymore, I know you all sadly will well understand...know how ashamed I am to share that, although I recognise I am already quite ill, still " atypical"...I have not been trying, not at all...

I think...trying to quell my frightening rage of late...perhaps rather, as is my patten, turning it on myself....

Thank you for reading if you have, my thoughts, my heart, are with all of you who are also struggling...

Please take good care, all.

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 Sorry things are so difficult for you and everything is crashing down on you right now. ED's are h*ll combined with other mental illnesses just beyond awful. I'll probably write a longer post later but I can relate with you about wandering the grocery store. I would wander grocery stores for a couple, maybe 3 hr. at a time looking at all the food and then buy something really trivial like 2 or 3 apples, maybe a box of Cheerios if I was feeling especially adventerous. And then I'd end up hoarding staple foods under my bed (I lived with my sister in an apartment at the time). It was a crazy time.

[Blueberrybook]

Yesterday turned out to be so good eating wise. I ate what I wanted at the party, mostly fruits & veg. but some chips & dip, some nuts and a cupcake. Then my parents took us out to a hamburger place and I had a hamburger and fries. I ate about half the burger (it was large) and some fries, brought the rest of the hamburger home for lunch today. The best part was I had zero regrets, I didn't focus on the food much at all beyond enjoying what I wanted and stopping when I was full.

Woke up this morning and still no regrets about a bit of indulgence with a party and some not so terribly healthy foods. The crazy thing is I woke up with my metabolism raging. It has done this in the past a lot (and also when I'm manic, so I hope that is not some sign mania is coming on), but this morning has been a day I feel like I cannot eat enough to even keep up with my metabolism. I hope things kind of slow down because I can tell it's crazy fast. You'd think I'd want a metabolism so fast, but at some point it just feels beyond control, and I not terribly much tasting the food but just eating so I can keep up with it. I did have less sleep last night (around 5 hr) and coffee this morning (1 cup), but this is ridiculous. I took my late morning/early afternoon dosage of Seroquel already hoping it would slow me down but nope. I hope maybe I can nap this afternoon; sleep tends to help me a good deal with feeling hypomanic (if that's what this is).

Oh, and I dialed in the exercise this morning: a very gentle pilates video that's pretty easy for me, mainly I feel like it gives me a good session of stretching more than a workout, but my body was tired, and it felt nice.

[Autumn88]

Thank you for your empathetic reply, @Blueberrybook.

I am having such a terrible day.

I can't abide these longer days, I hate being in my depressing space, can't handle sitting in the park with a coffee, alone, with people walking their dogs, couples with a stroller, sketchy people accosting me.

I long for deep dreamless sleep. But dread the inevitable attack of nightmares or bizarre dreams I am meant I suppose to decipher. Process.

I was glad to see your positive post about how well you did with all the food at your family gathering.

What a win!
You should drink in a sense of accomplishment and so hope you know how strong you are.

As to your fear of your veering into a hypomanic state, I can only listen and tell you that it pains me you suffer from what I have seen in old friends suffering from the horrible illness that bipolar is, without ever having to endure it, that it must be so scary..

....So great you did not push yourself to overexersise, but did gentle pilates which I hope left you feeling grounded, and a little more relaxed.

Keep fighting.

And forgive me for your having to endure all my darkness here.

Thank you for your kindness.

Please keep extending that same kindness to yourself.