[Blue_Bird]

So far I’ve resisted the urge to buy another scale. Though I do find myself on Amazon frequently looking at them.

I’m just trying to listen to my body and not restrict or binge. I think I’ve been doing good. I also gave myself a permission to take the weekend off exercise since it’s a holiday weekend.

I might take a walk to the store to get some milk tomorrow but that’s it , no treadmill or any other exercise. Mostly to get out of the house. I don’t want to be so obsessed with losing weight that I push myself to workout even on holidays. That’s not how I want to be. I don’t want it to consume every single minute of my life.

I find myself kind of switching back and forth between obsessing about my weight and then trying to focus on other things that matter more. Like my hobbies. But I guess the good thing is that even when I do fall back into obsessing about my weight I’m not giving into the desire to restrict. And am not falling into binge eating either because I’m focusing on my hobbies and feel less stress.

But yeah, I’ve been eating when I’m hungry. Not stress/binge eating and not restricting or overexercising.

[MuddyBoots]

I don’t feel totally alive anymore. I don’t mean just dissociated or detached, I mean I might end up spending another night at my mom’s just so I don’t have to do so much more unpacking, making my bed again, (I haven’t even plugged the modem back in yet, been using data all day while just kinda aitting on the floor in between folding socks and screwing outlet plates back on), making this place livable/sleepable in again, and more walking and driving than I have to.

Even in a depression I have more energy and motivation than this.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry muddy. I really wish you could get some help. Is your mother at least supportive as far as your mental illness issues go? And don't be too hard on yourself. Unpacking is overwhelming for anyone, even people who have no health issues to deal with and have been eating adequately. Is there someone who can help you unpack?

[Blueberrybook]

Another good day for me. I did take a long power walk (like you, Blue_Bird, I obsess about exercise), but at least I made up for it by eating 2 slices of banana bread for breakfast. Going to add a few calories for the snacking this afternoon too I think.

Of all the things I didn't need, I got a notice from Fitbit that you need to move your fitbit account to google or lose everything. Now it's got me thinking about getting my Fitbit out and wearing it again, but I know that is a really bad idea, so I am resisting the urge. Every time I used it, I would just try to progressively get more and more steps each day and that went on for about a month when suddenly I thought, "This is really bad. It's fueling ED behavior." And I just stopped wearing it. I did like how it would monitor things like sleep though.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I'm sorry muddy. I really wish you could get some help. Is your mother at least supportive as far as your mental illness issues go? And don't be too hard on yourself. Unpacking is overwhelming for anyone, even people who have no health issues to deal with and have been eating adequately. Is there someone who can help you unpack?

She’s not really supportive in a “always there for you, you can talk to me, I’ll try to understand and help” kind of way, but she has been letting me sleep at her place and she did take me to the ER and my doctor’s appointment the other days.

I don’t have anyone to help unpack.

[MuddyBoots]

I b/p’d past night. I think I’m going to unpack today as little as I have to to sleep tonight at home.

I don’t get why I have to hate myself so much. I don’t have this chronic hate for anyone else. I’m not around anyone else as much, maybe that’s it.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry muddy, it sounds as if you really do need some professional help with your ED. Do you think some part of you (the ED part) is glad you are still on meds that suppress your appetite? I'm just wondering. Because at certain points I have flat out told my pdoc, you can prescribe me X med, but you can be sure I will not take it at all, so can we do something different? I am not sure you are pushing/advocating hard enough for yourself (due to the ED, sui thoughts, BPD, BP, etc.).

I am lucky (?) that my only method of purging was overexercise, and I never really binged, just puposefully didn't eat enough calories to support the amount of exercise I was doing.

I have been power walking a lot, not able to sub in pilates until my hurt wrist heals. It is burning a lot of calories, showing on the scale (which of course ED thoughts are happy about, but I'm not that happy when I think what the pdoc will say next week unless I turn it around). Some of it has to be water weight though, I am sweating so much power walking in 90%+ humidity in 70F+ degrees. But I have been more positive with my eating and my snacking and my overall appearance in the mirror, so it's not all bad.

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah, I am. They haven’t put the increased dose of topamax in my blister pack yet (which my doc somehow thinks will make me eat more by calming me down and chilling out migraines & nausea more).

But I’m actually kind of scared to get off the Adderall. It suppresses my appetite, yeah, but it also suppresses my rage and desires to self harm (and harm others when those pop up), and just overall helps me sit and not be an emotionally dysregulated ****storm more than anything else has.

The ONLY time I have raised my voice at someone since starting it wasn’t even at someone, it was when I was in the ER waiting room at a 9/10 pain level and my heat pack got cold and I started getting loudly upset about it and swore a little. Not even a lot by my standards.

I don’t want to go back to being afraid to go outside on “loud” days because if I don’t do a perfect job controlling myself at the wrong time I can get arrested or shipped to the hospital again for practically no real reason.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, you NEED a med change, and I know you know you. How to go about getting it is the issue. If you have to have a temper tantrum to get your way, so be it. If you have to bring your mom to an appt to really help get the point across, that's what you need to do. Otherwise, you are just sitting there waiting for the inevitable - IP ED and/or (and this is worse )DEATH. You know that. You need to dig deep down and make that pull for recovery. The longer you go, the harder it gets. And please don't do any exercise now. You are defnitely not in the shape for it.

Better to have the ADHD symptoms at the moment I think than to stay on another appetite suppressing med.

Adderall isn't really suppressing your self-harm. Because you are self-harming when you are not eating much and taking long walks. It's just a different for of self harm and a slow suicide.

[MuddyBoots]

Fine. I’ll not take the Adderall tomorrow and

Possible trigger:

pace until my legs give out then slice my wrists until there is no way they stop bleeding, then maybe I’ll manage to eat an apple or something.

[MuddyBoots]

My case manager said it was good I hadn’t cut, burned, hit myself, tried to jump off any bridges/parking garages/buildings/into traffic, tried to infect myself, ffed around with suspicious people, used substances, or other forms of self-injury other than restricting in a month. She’s not super concerned. My therapist isn’t super concerned. My PCP didn’t seem overly concerned. The ER gave zero shyts about me walking home with numb feet about to throw up saying I’d rather die than eat again.

I don’t get why I need to care either. I’ve always cared LESS about my life than any of the others anyway.

[unaluna]

Its paradoxical, isnt it. Show me you care for me and i will not be able to tolerate it. I know its a gd trick. You ever watch those yt videos where the vet sits in the little cubicle with the "bad dog" for like a week until a miracle happens? The pit bull next door to my mother's recognized me as a dog in need of care and attention. Many - well, not a lot, but enough! - misc dogs have. Like THEY are gentle with ME.

[Blueberrybook]

Is there any other place you can get to for help that you haven't been before like another psych ER or something? See a different doctor? I know healthcare in this country sucks, but among the bad healthcare officials, there are good ones out there. It is a trial, you have to hunt to find them, but they do exist. Though I'm sure it's easier (not much though) on private insurance. If I went to my pdoc with your story, I wouldn't even get it all out, and I'd be in a hospital like that. If I told it to my pcp, same thing. If I told it to my GI doc, yep, instant hospitalization. There are good doctors out there, but you can't just be content to go with the flow until you are so weak you are forced IP and you are doing damage to your body (sometimes permanent). We all want you to stick around here.

I know things are hard, but settling for the status quo will not get you better, and you know that.

[Mountaindewed]

My doctor has me really spooked so I worked a bit too much but I didn't restrict so I guess everything was fine.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, how are you doing? I have been concerned about you.

I need to reign in the exercise especially until the sprain in my left wrist heals. It's getting better but not all the way there yet. Once it heals, I can sub pilates in for exercise, which burns much fewer calories than long power walks. My weight has gotten on the low side, teetering up and down a bit. I see the pdoc next week, and I know he likes my weight at a certain number and not much below it, so I've got to work on snacking more. Yesterday, I was very stressed, and didn't do the greatest job snacking.

[Blueberrybook]

I have been doing a bit much in the way of exercise this week, really need to slow it down but on the positive I have been doing more snacking and intuitive eating and less obessing over my weight. I feel this stupid ED has gotten hold of me for the rest of my life though. It's always something.