[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots - I'm proud of you. Now you know you CAN do it. I hope you keep trying to push yourself in regards to your ED since it sounds like you'd have to be dead from the ED before your treatment team will do anything about it! Recovery is possible, hard as it seems even without an ED treatment team. I came back from a very low double digit weight without ED treatment; it's not ideal but I think on the one hand because I recovered on my own it's one of the reasons I've never slipped that far back into the ED since (some blips here and there yes, but nowhere near that dire again ever). Definitely I should have been in the hospital at the weight I was because it was bad, but my parents didn't have medical insurance (in college at the time) and couldn't afford it, and I never let on just how bad it was to my mom or my sisters.

[Victoria'smom]

Realized I'm ****ed. I've pretty far down the rabbit hole. I'm pretty much on a liquid diet.

I got dentures about 2 months ago and they've caused sores, caused me to choke and pain. I can't get use to them. So now I'm without bottom teeth and only drinking. I'm supposed to be at the point I can eat normally but I'm not. Hell I don't put my teeth in unless I have too. I'm too scared of the dentist to go back early. My Dr set me up with a nutritionist but she didn't believe how little I eat. I was eating some then. She gave me really bad advice. I don't know if I should give her a second chance or find a new nutritionist. Like I would loose weight to fast. She even scoffed and asked if I was trying to gain weight. I tried to explain I didn't want to loose weight to fast given my current issues. My husband was there and said she didn't understand because when I say a little and other say a little it's different. I just don't know if I should give her another chance or just move on? I'm trying to be as logical as I can about this yes I'm overweight but it's not because I eat too much. My thyroid is bad but not in rage for medicine, my meds have caused weight gain and things like that. I'm sick of I don't look sick mentality. I get dizzy when walking and overheated. I don't know what to do. I see my therapist tomorrow.

[MuddyBoots]

Going all over the place with how my disordered eating behaviors present is weird. There have probably been days I swallowed more calories in 2 hours than I have swallowed in the past month.

I feel like moving had something to do with the switch back towards restricting though. It's like when I didn't have my own place I didn't have any semblance of control over anything so that reflected in my eating, and now that I have enough control of my environment to have some semblance of control in my life, my eating reflects more of the "I got some control, and I love it, so I'm going to give myself the illusion of more."

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots - You can keep going forward. You've got control that way too as far as what you eat (empty calories vs. food good for you with vitamins, minerals, protein, etc.). Def. stop counting calories though I know from an ED past I know a lot of approximate if not exact calories in given food servings...sigh. If your treatment team is not going to help you, you have to help yourself. The thread you posted about your heart rate is troublesome because that is a scary low resting heart rate. Can you see a PCP for an EKG?

I really overdid it with the exercise this morning, walking & jogging. Ugh! I need to slow it down because with the heat I work so hard, and I've lost enough weight to put my BMI into the underweight category (though only just), so it's not that worrisome, at least I don't think so. Or maybe the ED doesn't think so. Of course, I like seeing the lower weight on the scale because that's the way these EDs work. And I don't feel thin enough, I never have, I know even at my lowest weight I felt fat, so what really is the point of this sort of thinking?! Oh, and next week, I get to go to the dentist for yet another crown and filling, thank you ED

[MuddyBoots]

I don't really know what food that's "good for me with vitamins, minerals, AND protein" that doesn't make me feel awful eating. When I felt like shyt and float and stuff that was after like one day of a package of honey buns that came back up and two of a lot of grilled chicken/lettuce/tomato combos (wraps, salad, etc.), greek yogurt with fruit (cherries/mango), salmon salsa salad, started and finished a package of sliced turkey so it wouldn't go bad, and like a Gatorade I watered down and drank 1/2 of when what was supposed to be a 3 mile walk on a warm day ended up a 10+ mile one. If that kind of food at regular intervals is so bad to make me feel closer to physically dying after those four days than when I'm where I was three weeks ago, I honestly do not know wtf is "healthy" because I guess I was lied to when they said grilled chicken, tomatoes and mangoes were healthier than pickles in broth, and my former employer was actually trying to kill us by giving us watered down gatorade when we'd work 12 hour days outside in the summer.

I'm not going to listen to my pdoc though. I will buy vodka before Ensure, and I don't think she has ever actually had apples in her house for a month because they definitely do not taste right 30 days after being bought. Not even a week usually.

[Blueberrybook]

um, muddy, I am pretty sure grilled chicken, tomatoes & mangoes are much healthier for you than pickles in broth. Pickles have next to no calories and not much in the way of nutrition either, but I know you KNOW that. And what are you doing walking even 3+ miles on a warm day let alone 10 miles?! I thought I was crazy for power walking the distance I do in the heat and can't even imagine going 10 miles on little to no good nutrition. I eat a lot in a day (over 2500 cal/day) and still have lost some weight the working out in the heat. If not Ensure though, you should at least be sure you consume the recommended amount of calcium per day. I had a gynecologist tell me that up into the early 30s it is still possible to strengthen your bones by consuming adequate calcium and after that you're just out of luck and stuck with osteopenia/osteoporosis for the rest of your life. I had a horrific fall that micro-shattered my entire pelvis. But this was worse than any normal fracture because while I hurt like h*ll, the d*mn injury didn't show up on initial x-rays & MRIs and all the doctors thought I was drug seeking narcotics. Well, yes, I was because I was in horrific pain! Finally, like 3 months later my rheumatologist said lets x-ray that again and ALL the microfractures showed up. She was aghast, I got referred to a pain clinic ASAP and put on some heavy narcotics until I finally healed. But I went through months of doctors not listening to me, crying all the time from the pain, and if I'd had stronger bones, that probably would not have happened to me in the first place. And protein is SO important for your muscles, namely your brain & your heart.

Like I said, if your treatment team is not going to help you, then you are out of luck there, you just have to help yourself. You have plenty of determination to harm yourself, I know you can flip that around and find reasons to help yourself and finally be kind to your body.

[MuddyBoots]

To be fair I think "warm day" in NH before the summer reading challenge party even happens has a different definition than a "warm day" in TX. I meant to go to the grocery store closer and take the bus back (3 mile walk), then wanted to see how much further the one I liked was (about a mile further away), didn't feel like taking the bus so walked back, but didn't want to go home really so took the long way and there was a dude that was having some difficulty after a leg injury close to where I live so I got him some water and a snack from a store for and made sure he didn't want any other assistance so that added the last little less than a mile.

All I'm saying is I felt okay until I started eating more (choosing stuff like chicken, mangoes, tomatoes, salmon, etc.) then Monday after eating more like that I was not okay in any way physically or mentally and by the night time if I was totally honest when I called the emergency line they 100% would've sent out EMS and I probably would be up at the state hospital looking at wet bread and pink chicken and having to pay $ I wouldn't have on me if I wanted food that didn't give me food poisoning under the assumption they actually give me privileges to leave the unit for once, but I'm usually not one of the lucky bastards that are allowed to go off unit anyway (and those options would be like overpriced coffee and bakin'egg'n'cheeses).

I know how this is going to play out. I can start eating normally and get so frustrated I break a mug or plate and kill myself with it, or not and be hospitalized, but not to an ED unit, I'd just get medically stabilized (if even needed, idk, I feel fine now. Actually kinda frenetic. Like, so much energy I RAN to the fking store for something, realized I forgot something and came back, then went back again, then ran back. Like, took 30mg of Valium and even skipped my stimulant, but still am ready (right now of course, tomorrow morning may be different) to cover all 14 miles of trail tomorrow for volunteer day if no one else shows up) but be sent to the state hospital, and get worse and come out and kill myself because I really cannot tolerate another day in the ER dungeon or another ride to Concord or another day of sitting on the fking unit listening to someone go on and on about the struggles of being born in "the silent generation," or I could not get caught in time before the medical stabilization became super necessary and die anyway.

Unless my immortality theory is right, then I never have anything to worry about.

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots How are you doing?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

@MuddyBoots How are you doing?

Possible trigger: med abuse

recovering from taking 2.5x my daily max dose of diazepam Friday night.

Between that and triple digit heat indexes, have been pretty tired. Especially considering the ingenuity required when I try to do laundry and the washer fails to do the spin/drain thing and the dryer refuses to do the drying thing so everything comes out of the dryer as wet as it SHOULD come out of the washer and I get to use my genius trying to figure out places to hang all my clothes in a studio apartment I have been to people’s houses with bigger walk-in closets than. On a day there’s like 90% humidity. And keep it cool when an entire south facing wall is mostly window and I have no A/C and haven’t gotten my missing curtain rod part yet so just have these horizontal blinds that don’t go all the way down and do not block a huge amount of light/ heat.

It’s been fun. And I’ve become pretty good at differentiating the sounds of legal fireworks and gun shots because that’s the skill I’m practicing instead of sleeping at night.

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, too much exercise again this morning. But between the events of the world (really shouldn't have looked at the news) and getting a diagnostic mammogram/ultrasound today at the recommendation of the radiologist after my annual mammogram in May, I'm a bit stressed. I'm sure the mammogram will just be something done out of an abundance of caution, but it still sucks until you get the all clear.

Edited: Got the all-clear from the radiologist on the mammogram & ultrasound, so that's one less thing to worry about.

[MuddyBoots]

They fking remembered to weigh me today. Good thing they don't stick to what they say half the time, and as long as I can come up with an excuse within range on the spot I can get away with a lot even if I don't intend to even if the "excuse" isn't me making excuses it's me protecting myself from getting my face shoved to the floor and winding up covered in bruises and getting needles jabbed in my bones and being in pain for weeks after because security guards are fuking idiots who don't know to announce themselves before entering a room that's all fking corners with someone in a mental health crisis diagnosed with fking all the trauma shyt.

[Mountaindewed]

I wonder if I lose weight if my old therapist would come around again. I see her often when I have sessions with my current therapist. That whole "youre stuck with me" speech each therapist gives me is just bs.

I restricted today but I'm not sure it was on purpose

[Blueberrybook]

I did a jog/walk this morning. Still probably went farther than I should, but I came inside way before I wanted to because the heat/sun/humidity was getting unbearable (at 7:15 AM!). In my brain, I knew it would be stupid to keep going in this heat especially since you're not supposed to overheat on some of these psych meds. For once I listened to my head and did what my body needed to do instead of what my stupid engrained ED compulsiveness told me to do.

[MuddyBoots]

Okay, the DBT homework I assigned to myself was the Practicing Radical Acceptance worksheet, and for the opposite action I registered for an online eating disorder support group, which I have to wait until August to start, but whatever, I did something recovery-focused.

I have a feeling I'll get actually admitted before dying because my body is fking invincible and I will mentally shatter going back to the ER even if it was just like the other day where they saw I had heart stuff a lot of people in a fight-flight state have (I looked more into it just now and it actually is common when someone is normally bradycardic for whatever reason even if in that moment their heart rate was higher than average resting, like say they had just sprinted half a mile across downtown and were experiencing severe anxiety).

So I guess in a way my shytty treatment team is so shytty that to avoid their punishments and me unsuccessfully frantically trying to die to avoid their punishments I did something good for 5 minutes today (I hope that made up for the months of restricting and near continuous binging/purging since the ER).

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots - I hope the online recovery support group helps you; like I said in the bipolar thread an ED support group only helped me become more competitive with the other members of the group; numbers weren't allowed but certain things got out once the sessions let out and before they started. Of course, that was an in-person group. Just if you start finding it hurts more than it helps, don't be hesitate to use common sense and stop attending the group.

I'm still at it with the overexercise but I'm eating enough my weight isn't fluctuating (though often I find myself wishing the number would go down) even though I know I am thin, bordering on underweight when it comes to BMI, but whatever, EDs are so messed up, I am pretty much convinced at this point this sort of ED thinking is not ever going to completely go away. And yet on the other hand, these past few days my body image itself has been good, even if I want the number on the scale to be lower, I'm all messed up and jumbled in my thinking when it comes to weight and body image. Even my feelings with eating like if someone says they haven't had much appetite in another forum (let's just say the bipolar forum since I'm active there), I'll feel horribly guilty that I do get hungry and have an appetite and am eating regular meals and snacks which is good for me and what I need to be doing so why do I feel guilty about it?!