help

I'm flipping out right now and need to talk to someone and chat wont work and Ive been trying for a ****ing hour I need help I dont know what to do

whats wrong?

Im flipping out, its come at once, I dont have anybody, I have nowhere to go, i havent seen a friend in months I havent seen a relative other than my mother in months I dont have a job Im a failure nobody wants me Ive always been wrong I wasnt even born because someone wanted me, i was only born because my parents are drunks and couldnt use the intelligence to prevent me from existing, they were only together of 3 months and I didnt meet my dad for 18 years like I was just this unwelcome person that appeared into his life, and Im never going to lose this weight I gained because my doctor was stupid and put me on this medication i never should have taken,
i dont even know why i bother to ask for help anymore i know nobody cares, if they did I would be like this in the first place, i just want someone to give a **** about me, not someone on the computer that Ive never met telling they care because they want me to feel better, i want someone to call me and say lets do something or invite me somewhere or just talk to me because whether they like it or not I AM here and I cant help that

((((Evening))))

I know that you are feeling really bad right now, for I can hear it in your words. I am really sorry you feel so awful. I want you to know that I do understand how it is to not be wanted by your family. It is hard to not be wanted. To be born for their pleasure and not as a person. I do get it. I am sorry that you feel so alone.

I know that we are not right there with you but we are here because we choose to be and because we do care. Sometimes when it seems that no one is there I come back and read so many of the post that others here have written and I do not feel so alone. For a long time I felt the same way as I did not trust anyone.

I hope that you can keep reaching out and posting. Remember to breath and take it one minute one second if you have to. We do hear you and we are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. always.

dps

Evening there are people who know what you are going through and how it feels. We care whether we've met or not. Don't ever think that just because we have never met that people don't care that is really selling yourself short.

I often got the distinct feeling from my mum that she was disappointed that I didn't die soon after birth as I was supposed to. So I know how it feels to feel unwanted by a parent.

We are here to support you and let you know that we are here even though you feel removed because of the computer. Many's the time I've been literally saved by having this computer close by and one major time was because of PC.

I really hope that you can take a few grounding breaths and understand that we may not be in your room but we do care about you,

Rhian

maaaaaaaaaan.... I know JUST how you feel evening <3333333.....

Im so sorry you are hurting right now, I truly am.

Evening - you know you are important in this world, you know you have a purpose.
I can hear you are in a bad palce, but please rest in the peace that it will pass.

What meds has your pdoc put you on and for what condition?
It sounds like you desperately need to phone your doctor or even better a T if you have one.
Please reach out to anyone you can - phone you mother - and seek support.
We are all here for you too

I am feeling a lot better guys, I'm really sorry about this thread. I was in the middle of a breakdown and went absolutely of my tree.
Sugahorse I don't take medication, I don't need medication. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I was on a list of different medications for nearly 10 years and none of them did anything. Then my doctor put me on Zyprexa a few years ago, I refuse to take medication since. My issues are not caused by anything that will be solved by medication, I know what I need- people who actually give a crap about me, and a job. Both of those things will give me something to feel worthwhile and make me feel like I'm wanted. I was born as an accident, and it seems to have followed me. All I want is for someone to care about me, you know? I can't talk too much about it though or I'll end up like a few hours ago. I ended up going to sleep, it's the only option I really have.

Evening,
You're not an accident! Also, if you have to vent, please do! I'm glad you took a few moments to get a few problems out in the open. Everybody deserves to have those moments, and you certainly are no exception!

Hey, hey, hey, wait a sec, I care about you, and heck, so does all of PC!! You're just as loved as any other user, and we'll all ensure this.
As for the job, look around! I know getting a job isn't easy, but it's not impossible. There's a job waiting for you, and all you have to do is venture! You can do it!!
(Geez, I'm sounding as loud as Billy Mays, and I'm just typing. -_-')

Anyway, keep posting Evening, and relax!

Evening - I hope things are looking up.
It may be worthwhile chatting to a proffessional about some meds to help when situations like this arise. An anti-anxiety medication or some kind of sedative.

I just try and go to sleep when I feel that way. My logic is there to tell me otherwise, but I know about getting stuck in rut and really believing what your brain is telling you.
Do you see a T?
I also battle with issues around not thinking anyone cares - my T asked me to e-mail her every time I feel this way, put my thoughts on paper, and then she can reply, and confirm that if no-one else, she does give a damn.

And in your case: we are all here for you too!!!

I know how you feel, I too was an "oops" baby and illegal substances were involved, but my mom never regretted having me and I'm sure your mother doesn't regret having you. I feel sick every day because I can't get a job. I don't have any friends either, but I've always been a loner and I'm used to it. I'm so sorry about your pain, please try other meds, maybe you haven't found what works for you yet.

I understand that medications work for some people, but not for me. I absolutely, unequivocally, refuse to take medication ever again. I spent nearly 10 years trying med after med and it did nothing. At all. My problems aren't going to be solved with a tablet, they need to be solved with proper friends and a job, so that I don't keep this life long feeling of rejection and not being good enough. Since my initial breakdown 4 months ago, I came to the realisation of a lot of things, and one of those is that the reason I feel so down and flip out so much is the continual feeling of not being good enough as a person, not having a life that makes me look like I've achieved anything.

My family is one of generational abusers/abusees, the majority of them band together to defend the others who have done wrong and make excuses for them. They all drink, I am the only person in my family who does not drink.
I grew up being brushed off for people who are bad, my mother chose to live in a car doing heroin with her abusive, compulsive lying, addict boyfriend then her own child. That's the kind of continual rejection I grew up with. That these people who do drugs and alcohol and/or abused where better than me. That people who go out and party and get wasted and go smoke some cones are more fun to be around than me. That people who are willing to go have sex are more likable than me. That people who are younger and have less experience or knowledge deserve the job more than me.

That's why I'm down, that's why I've been hiding from people for 4 months. Medication isn't going to solve the issue, it's feeling more wanted and having a life that will make me feel better. I told a friend the other day and he invited me to join him and his friends who catch up once or twice a month to watch movies, go out, etc.. It is what I wanted, to have someone invite me out, but now I feel as though I've only been invited because of pity, so I'm feeling insecure about it. It's almost like my mind is manipulating itself, I guess that's something that happens to people who've been mentally abused? That whole 'you're not really welcome, they don't really want you around, it's only because you complained about being lonely'.
I'm so used to the rejection and so used to being alone (the other day was the first time I saw a single friend in 2 months) I just can't imagine that someone actually wants to see me, there must be some sort of catch, they have to be lying.
I need more people to want me around before I ever start to feel it, you know?

My experience is similar. In fact it can be very depressing when the only thing people seem to be able to think of to help is medications for depression!

Evening,

There are NO ACCIDENTS in God's world. You are supposed to be here. And we are all glad you are here. Your suffering will end. Mine did. I was exactly where you are. I do not hear voices, i.e. I am not schizophrenic nor do I hallucinate. But when I was freaking out years ago and thinking of really, really bad things to do, a tiny, tiny voice kept tellling me to hold on, life was not meant to be this way, full of this suffering, and things would get better. Just hold on one more day. For the life of me, I don't know why I chose to believe that little voice. But I did and it came true. And it will for you, too.

I'm no fortuneteller or anything. But things will get better. You are cared about here on PC more than you know. You will be ok. Just hang on.

After over forty years of treatment for depression and being told it is unlikely either therapy or medications will improve the treatment resistant depression I have, I suppose one conclusion might be I do not live in God's world.

An alternative explanation is that you accepted as definitive what you were told...

Evening there is a lot of confusion here, I really feel for you. First up you need to get to a headspace where you are not bombarded with all of these thoughts. Some medications do help to create a level playing field. But if you have decided you don't want them that is your choice and you are entitled to make it and I support you in that (I just know that I would not be here if it weren't for a med I found recently). But you can't have tried all meds, there are just too many of them. But it must be horrific for you.

When I read your post concerning your mother I saw someone who is an addict, drugs and alcohol addicted and not in any condition to bring up a child. I wonder if you were supporting an addict on PC would you handle that? What your mother did was wrong, very wrong, but you said your family were generational abused and abusers...imagine your mother at that same age..what was her life like? Did she have a good example to model her mothering on?

You want to be loved and adored (as we all do), but you don't trust people to do so; you also don't trust yourself to be lovable...you seem to be caught in the same blame pattern that you say your whole family is caught in and that needs therapy and a level playingfield to deal with and come to terms with. You are more than worthy of deep love and one day someone will come along who will prove that love to you; whether it is a friend, a pseudo parental figure or a lover I hope it is happy for you.

Finally I just want you to know that I am here to support you if I can



Rhiannon

Hi Evening-
I'm glad you are feeling better. Sorry I wasn't here when you first posted. You are precious and unique and have a special place and must never forget that. Sometimes we just cannot see everything that is in the great and wonderful plan for our lives and we get swallowed up by the pain and suffering and day to day grind of our lives. It is important to remember that the bad way we feel sometimes isn't reality or truth. It is just feelings that will pass. Thank you for reaching out and please take care of yourself.

Are we a little impatient?

I don't deny for even a single moment that medication can help a lot of people, it is not for everyone though and I am one of those people. I'd like to leave the medication topic at that if that's fine because I am very firm set with my decision, and I have gone further in my recovery in the last 3 years without medication than I had on the 9 years I was on it. I'm happy for anyone that medication has helped, but it did not help me and I am not going though that process again.

As for my mother, she has been an alcoholic since she was 15 years old, she was abused, and the generational abuse comes from my grandfather being a drunk and having a violent temper, and my grandmother keeping her mouth shut. That is why I am the only female in our family who has not been in an abusive relationship, because I'm too terrified to trust anyone enough to be in a relationship at all.
My mother had me at 19, she has broken and fractured 7 bones including her nose- something she doesn't even remember doing, she's woken up in lying in someone's front yard, she's forgotten birthdays, she's bought alcohol for my cousin who was 15 at the time (she doesn't remember doing that), she bumped the kitchen table so hard once while she was staggering around drunk that she knocked one of the fish out of the fish bowl and I found it dead on the floor weeks later, she had sex with a guy in front of me when I was 3 years old, she was involved in a drug ring when I was 13, she went into detox when I was 19 and relapsed 5 hours after she got out, then she nearly committed suicide and wrote me a note which she gave to me. I still have it 3 years later, it's just a drunken ramble that barely makes sense. Nice to know that could have been her last words to me. She went into rehab a few months later and has done well since she left, she did relapse but she's actually trying now. My family is barely supportive of her and happily drink like the schutzenfest in front of her, she can't even go to things like Christmas or parties. Neither of us have been to Christmas with my family in a few years. She is 42 now and living in Salvation Army homing.

My mother neglected me because of her addiction, some people thought I was anorexic. She spent more money on food than alcohol. And when I moved into my own home at 17 my cousin moved in with her and was more welcome than me, he was 16 and selling drugs to her, and she said if I wanted to come back I had to sleep on the couch because he had my room now. She didn't want me around, if I came over she'd unlock the door and walk back to the living room without opening the door for me. If I came to pack more of my belongings I wasn't allowed to call my room 'MY' room. So she didn't want me. Maybe if I had drugs to sell her or alcohol to drink with her (she tried to convince me to drink quite often even though I never have) then she would have accepted me.
So I called my grandma a lot, almost every day, until my grandfather told me to stop calling all the time. So again I felt rejected. My neighbour didn't like me because I was 17 and OBVIOUSLY was up to no good. Unwanted again. I did live with my auntie while my mother was living in a car with her boyfriend, but then when my mother went to my grandparents my auntie did something that she knew would upset me and make me go back with my mother, even though she knew full well who else was going to be around. So unwanted there too.
My other auntie was so worried about my mothers boyfriend that my cousins were NEVER, EVER, allowed to step foot through the front door of our home. E-V-E-R. Even when he was in jail. But she left me there, that of course was fine.
There was also school, people didn't like me there either. That's a story for another time. But even now I'm lucky to see a friend once every 2 months.

So it's not so easy to just get over that, I can't easily convince myself that people like me or that my existence is exactly welcome. People can say to me that I am a wanted or needed or valuable person, it's one thing to say it, it's another to show it. I've had many a friend tell me they care and will be there, then they vanish.

There is a member on PC actually who is struggling with substances and I have been trying to support them as best I can. But I am not foolish to addiction, in the end I can do nothing but give support. In general life though my empathy for other people's problems in diminishing. Maybe I'm turning into a narcissist, maybe I just can't keep trying to care for others when I am still trying to support myself.

I don't trust people very easily no, I understand I can frustrate people with the fact I take a stance on what I think. But I haven't had anyone I can trust. When you've ended up with nothing but the clothes on your back and no bed to sleep on, covered in fleas while you sleep and eating dry cereal because you can't afford a litre of milk, then you're going to lose your trust of people. I can't deny that I can be very shady with people, and that I do need to meet some better people to gain that trust back.

Thanks for replying ((((Evening))))

My mother is an alcoholic always has been, worse in the last 25 years; I do know what it is like to be unloved and abused; she would drink after taking vallium and I had to bring her round. What I was trying to say is that your life seems so confused. I wasn't indicating that you should take meds, if that is your decision not to then that is ok and your decision. Considering your mothers drug abuse your reaction to pills is natural and admirable...I'm not so strong as to be able to make headway without meds.

I don't think you are a narcissist I think you are reacting to the things that have happened to you and you need to be able to trust; you will settle that in your own time. As someone who has been constantly rejected by my (ex) family I eventually had to walk away rather than try to be part of a family that didn't want me to be part of the familyl I understand just how it hurts and how much anger it brings up.

Each person has a different way of dealing with things and each person deals with things in their own time. I was attempting to help you not aggravate you, so please forgive me if I did.

I know you won't believe this and that is ok because I understand where you are coming from; but I was very genuinely concerned about you when you started this thread. All I can do is stick around and support you for as long as it takes...

Evening,

My upbringing looked like living with royalty compared to yours but it isn't yet that I don't easily trust anyone and understand perfectly why you don't, either. Recently, a bunch of well-meaning church ladies criticized me for not asking for help when I needed it (putting the blame for THEIR inaction on ME) and I told them that when your mother beats you for being a bipolar child and behaving like a bipolar child you learn quickly not to trust anyone and it's hard to shake that off throughout your life. My mother and father were also both alcoholic so I sort of know where you are coming from. I also lived more than half my life un-medicated because I was not diagnosed until late in my adult life. There are good things about being unmedicated and there are definitely the bad things about it.

That's the beauty about choosing - it's YOUR choice and YOUR decision. You get to be responsible for your own destiny for once in your life. At any time, you can change it. I happen to choose the medication route because it helps me. But I support you 110% in your right to choose.

I'm having another not so good day today, it's like I'm slowly going insane from my loneliness, rejection and continual failing.
I have been waiting for my job program to sort some stuff out, it is the end of my program and I am either going to be put back onto this program (which is what I am PRAYING for) or I am going to be moved onto yet another program where I have to start all over again. This process has been taking forever, weeks and weeks, and in that time I haven't really been able to look for work so much because if I found something during this time then I wouldn't get the help and support I need. Well it's been driving me bonkers so I decided to just look anyway, and I found that some jobs I have been waiting for were finally available, but I missed out on applying by 3 weeks. I am absolutely devastated and fuming, I sent my coordinator an email asking what the hell is going on with my program because I want a job now.

Then I went to check the mail today and someone I know is on the front page of the local newspaper because she's just so successful and, I don't know, has a God damn LIFE. I can't even look at it, I just feel like more of a failure.

My grandparents and cousin who lives with them have been trying to call me, but I'm still hiding from them. It's taken me a week to get the courage to reply to my cousins email, I told her I wasn't doing well, but I didn't bother to go into the details of it. When I had breakdowns in the past I was obviously 'faking it for attention'. I remember when i was living with my auntie and I could hear her telling another relative to just ignore me crying because I was doing it for attention.

And I still have hardly heard from any friends, when I get worked up I have a habit of getting ranty at friends, I am so very tempted right now to tell one friend that I'm annoyed that he hasn't bothered to contact me once since I told him I was really down and lonely and needed to see people a few weeks ago. Not ONCE has he sent me a message or called me to see how I'm going. I haven't even seen him in ages. I just want to tell him that if he's not going to see me once in a while and all our friendship is going to be from now on is talking on the computer, then I don't want to speak to him at all because I'm sick of that kind of friendship.
It's just this back and forth thinking, I want to see someone because I'm so lonely, but I want to attack them for giving me a reason to feel lonely in the first place.

You know lately, when I get really worked up I get nervous falling asleep because I think I might die while I'm sleeping. The only reason I stress about that is because I have pets, and if I died nobody would know about it for weeks and my pets would starve. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't care so much.

((((((((Evening))))))))

Understanding how you are feeling and I'm hoping that you feel better soon Evening,

Rhiannon

(((Evening))). Yeah, like Rhiannonsmoon says, I understand all that. Sucks, doesn't it?