It's Hitting Me Too Hard

TPND, I'd like to tell you my impression of what's happening with you. You don't have to agree with it, or even read if you don't want to.

(Pomegranate, some of this might fit you too. I can say up front that it does, and has, fit me, though I'm not currently feeling quite as much in the midst of it as you and TPND seem to be.)

oooooooooooooo Entering FZ's fantasy. Please watch your step. oooooooooooooo

It sounds as if, with all the horrid stuff that's happened to you, you've set up part of yourself to watch over you and keep you safe, or at least safer. Sort of an inner watchdog: when anything bad comes your way it'll bark to let you know, and when it's not barking you can relax a little and attend to other things.

With all the nasty stuff that's happened, though, your watchdog has had an awful lot of watching and protecting to do. You've given it a whole lot of power by now, and it takes its job very, very seriously. It hardly ever lets up warning you any more.

When something good starts to happen, to your watchdog that's a sign of terrible danger: what if you don't heed its warnings and let your guard down! If you ask for some of your power back so that you can start looking and learning for yourself whom and what to trust, that's another sign of terrible danger: what if you should make a mistake! Your watchdog's job is to stop you from ever doing anything risky. It's determined to keep you safe even if it has to kill you first.

As for what to do about it... (Remember, this is still only FZ's fantasy and not binding on you in any way.) ... right this minute, I don't think you'd get very far just putting your foot down and telling your watchdog to lay off. It wouldn't, anyway -- it would just growl at you and tell you to lay off and remind you who's boss and I hate to say it, but it would even be (sort of) right. Without someone (or something) looking out for you, you wouldn't last a New York minute.

So I think the trick will be to steal your power back from your watchdog and gradually work yourself into the job of looking out for yourself and learning to distinguish friend from foe. Start by taking turns, standing watches like they do at sea, though at first maybe only five seconds on, five hours off. You can work up later, maybe much later, to five hours on, five seconds off. When you're on watch, thank your watchdog and tell it to go get some rest. Naturally it'll hate like hell to give up any part of its job. It's sure to bark and call you names, but just let it; that's what you once told it to do, and it doesn't want to be caught shirking. If it bites you, see if you can get the idea that it's only you biting you, that you can do it more if you want to -- so you can also do it less and when you're good and ready, stop.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is first to start watching your watchdog, then to start learning to watch out for yourself.

oooooooooooooo Leaving FZ's fantasy. Please watch your step. oooooooooooooo

Your comments are invited.

Watching my watch dog!!??!! Sheesh. That sounds like it could really get me paranoid and hypervigilant.
Honestly I think you hit the nail on the head. I am especially hypervigilant, or is it my watchdog right now. There's alot going on in my FOI, my abuser brother's daughter is getting married and boy has that got Bruiser (my watchdog) on high alert!
Then my husband's last day of work is Friday and he may not get another job - student teaching - until next September. Or maybe not at all and hubby has to get his teaching certificate the long way while we live on our 401K... Bruiser's whining and yowling now!!
And.... well I could go one but Bruiser's got my tummy in spasms and has his chain wrapped around my neck choking me. But I'm gonna start keeping my eye on Bruiser much better. I'm gonna whack him every time he acts up for no good reason. Get one of those electrical collars and zap him... Thanks FooZE.

I'd say, first thank him for protecting you so diligently, then toss him a bone and invite him to lie down and gnaw on it for a while. I don't recommend getting into a fight with him -- he's part of you, so you'd only be fighting with yourself and it wouldn't be pretty.

WOW FooZe I agree - you hit the nail on the had there!

and I agree the way to go is to pat the watchdog on the head and thank it for its help so far and let it know that when good things happen bad doesnts always follow -

(hard to believe) - down Simba - its ok - I have an attack Tiger it has grown very big and strong and pushes me around a bit - but I know it does it to protect me it also tends to want to keep me away from people so I wont get hurt .... but isolation hurts even more

(((TPND))) ((((Pomegranite))) (((FooZe)))

Wow, FZ that makes a hell of a lot of sense and feels just how I would have put it had I been able to make sense of it all!

I guess it's like any real dog, pat the dog on the head for warning you when it thinks there's danger and take the dog aside so you can start to deal with this "danger" yourself. Makes a lotta sense... I think if I start to think like this, I'll be able to make much more sense of it and start to work on stopping him from constantly badgering me everytime something good happens because he thinks something bad will come out of it.

See... My watchdog tends to want to keep me away from people to keep me safe, to stop me from getting hurt, but like P7 said... Isolation hurst ever so much more I do try to watch out for myself instead of my watchdog wathing out for me all of the time, it is so damn difficult to get him to back down!!!!!!

BUT. I thought today would be the day that I went out to my local Citizens Advice Bureau and asked about whether I can legally get my dog back. I Knew they'd say no, but something in my heart told me to just quit being an arse and do it. I did it and she said YES!! Woohoo!!! So, I have to write a letter to my Adoptive Parents (EEEEEKKK!! Watchdog on super alert!!!!) stating that I wish to have my dog back and if they do not cooperate, I will be forced to take the matter further. Wow. I'm terrified, but something says this may scare them, make them realise that I am in fact more powerful than they think I am and that yes, I do know what I'm doing and yes, I did seek legal advice. If they do refuse to cooperate, I have to see a solicitor for a 20 minute free consultation. Whoa... Never done that before either! They can then tell me where to go next, who to see and how to go about the next steps. I will be sending a copy of the letter to the owners of my dogs' parents as well as The Adoptive Parents and of course, to myself! I'm so, so anxious about it, but so excited at the same time!! Now I know that I can go to legal advisors and get them to help me to win my little angel back!

Today has been a difficult day, having to think about The Adoptive Parents. If I have to see them, I'll probably collapse. They scare me so much at times, I'd probably pee my pants, espcially if Shana gave me that disgusting, evil, yellow toothy grin. Ugh. It scares me

I feel I have a twisted stomach today, so much so that I feel slightly sick. Not fun... I'm trying to stop watchdog from biting me to stop me from doing this, it's tough, but it's something I feel that I need to do to keep myself safe and be able to recover..

God give me strength.

(((P7))) (((Pomegranate))) (((FZ))) :Grouphug:

TPND, until you get your life fixed up bad things are going to happen because this is what happens when things aren't right (and they aren't right because of what you learned from your bad experiences thanks to your adoptive parents). Bad things aren't happening because you need to be punished for thinking that you deserve good things.

It seems like your anxiety is really high since you moved and changed everything?

yeah! puppy might be coming home ! fingers crossed !

I know!!!! I'm so excited!! I was dancing around my flat, singing my head off like a goof

Sannah, yes my anxiety levels have been incredibly high and I really don't think that Connor quite realises just how bad it is... Maybe because I'm hiding it too well, I don't know....? Yesterday, for the first time in about a month, I purged I didn't plan for it to happen, I thought I'd been okay all day and had a good day with Connor and could just let it be knowing that I'd had a good day. But then i started to feel the wave of nausea from feeling so guilty, sweeping over me. Dammit! Now I have to write that in my diray and Sian's going to read it and she's not gonna be hapy what'll I do???

I feel so anxious today, so edgy and yesterday after eating with Connor, I got a sugar rush because I hadn't had sugar in so long, so passed out from that :-/ scary. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I just kept tossing and turning. I got up and walked around and could justfeel my whole body aching whenever I got back into bed to attempt sleep again. In the end, I just read a book until my eyes felt so heavy that the words just ran into each other. Still didn't flaming sleep!!

I didn't sleep until about 4am and had to be up at 6, but nooooo. My body decided it'd only let me sleep for an hour and I was awake again at 5am!! ******* my stupid, annoying, messed up body clock!!!!! just want to cry today.

I can't believe I purged last night. I can't believe I feel like ODing today to get rid of what I've had for breakfast, I can't believe I'm such a failure.

Whoa! Easy! I know, it hurts, but see if you can relax into it, let it go by, let it flow. If you fight it, it's only going to hang around longer.

It's all so connected -- you just happen to be in the worst place to see that, while it's coming down on top of you. The view is much, much better from just a little way away -- and as soon as you learn to step outside yourself for a moment, you'll get to appreciate it too.
Scenario 1: Good stuff triggers you. Ouch! You get anxious. You purge. You beat yourself up for purging, call yourself a failure. Eventually you feel better.

Scenario 2: Good stuff triggers you. Ouch! You notice yourself getting anxious. You say to yourself, "I do believe I've been triggered..." You sit tight and let it flow on by. Eventually you feel better, with nothing to call yourself a failure for. (Is that better or worse? Your call, and you're not stuck with it. You can keep trying it both ways and seeing which suits you better each time.)

But above all, thanks for continuing to share what's going on for you!

Appreciate what...?

I guess... Scenario 2 is better. Wait. I Know scenarion 2 is better... But I guess I got anxious felt sick, so my instant reaction was to purge... Not a good idea, I know...

I just. I don't want food inside my body. I don't deserve food inside my body. i don't deserve to feel happy, okay, fed, have nutrients in me, feel safe. I never feel safe. Never. Even though I have started to sleep with the light off, I have to scan my room and every other room in my flat to check that nobody's in there tha can get me. I have to keep all of my windows shut at night, knowing that I'll be so, so hot when I sleep.

I'm always on edge, always anxious. My days can never just be relaxed, free of anxiety and worry, my nights can never be peaceful.. Not even when Connor's there and I feel a little safer because I know he's beside me, able to protect me. I know that he'll protect me now, because of when I woke up having a panic attack. He snapped awake and thought I was being attacked, so sat bolt upright and prepared himself to punch the lights out of whoever was hurting me. Heh/ Just a dream, just a flashback, just another stupid messed up memory that doesn't matter and means nothing.

Heh. It means everything to me. It scares the living daylight out of me. I get so scared that someone's after me and I can't take being so anxious, edgy, paranoid all the time. yesterday I got the shakes. I was guessing it was the sugar rush after not having sugar in such a long time, then Connor giving me ice cream. Big mistake. First of al, i went hyper, then a few hours when he left, I was on a major downer and started to get the shakes and feel weak. Weird. I went to bed shortly after because it was too painful to stand up and I knew I'll pass out if I stayed stood up much longer.

Jeez. I feel like utter crap today. I have the shakes again now and I hate myself for eating breakfast. I know that Ill go OTT in the gym today, I just know it. I've decided deep down that I'm going to do a double work out. Meaning an hour and a half non stop working out. Sigh. That'll be the same on Friday, too. I know I'm overworking myself again, but I just have to do it. It'll get rid of the guilt then. I'll feel better then, I won't feel like such a failure and so fat and horrible. Maybe even purge. Probably will, knowing me and my ways. *******it.

I wish someone could just come see me, hug me, be with me today and make me feel safe, let me feel okay...

I cant come see you - but Im still sitting with you

you have to take care of you ok - you have to feed your body to keep it healthy - if you're not healthy who's going to take your beautiful puppydog for long walks?

I want you to make a list of all the good things in your life

I want you to read aloud Sannahs list

I want you to be happy TPND

I want you to be safe

I will sit with you as long as you need me to - and sending you lots of

I get that you feel like you don't deserve it. Do you think you might manage to tuck that under your arm for a while and go ahead and take good care of yourself anyway?

I just had a scary thought. You don't suppose... that because you've messed up at taking care of yourself before, you now think you need to punish yourself by... not taking care of yourself?!

I know. Let me tell you a secret, though:
When someone else makes you feel safe, it's really you doing it; you just like to have someone there with you when you do it. OK, now let's pretend you never heard that and send you some cyberhugs

I'll be back later but right now, I hope you'll excuse me. Some people in Australia are still up, people on the east coast are getting up, but here in California it's way, way past my bedtime and I'd better go take care of myself, the better to lecture you to take care of yourself later!

(But then, I'll bet you already know to take care of yourself whether I lecture you or not.)

Thank you, P7. It's nice to have someone sit with me. When I get my angel back, I'll be able to take care of myself, because I'll have someone that truly cares and loves me unconditionally and will never leave me or get mad at me if I trip up, plus she'll be my distraction from food whenever I eat. I can eat and hopefully feel okay about it. If not... I'm trying, right..? Idk. Maybe I'm making excuses to put off taking care of myself and yes, FZ, what you said about messing up at taking care of myself and now punishing myself for that by not taking care of myself... Is right. It's true.. But before, I messed up with taking care of myself in a different way. In the way of not stopping them from abusing me. I had so many chances to escape. Everytime they left me in the car, I could've unlocked it and ran, I could've just run out of the house/garden when the door was left open or when I was feeding the chickens. Why the hell didn't I do it? Why the hell didn't I have the GUTS to do that?? Why? Why, why WHY???

I feel so sick right now. I purged again. I took laxatives too. *******it I'm such a hypocrite and such a retard!!!! I know what it's gonna do to me. But then... My dr prescribed the lax's for me... For my IBS. Heh. He knows nothing of me abusing them and doesn't really know about my ED. He just pushed it aside when Connor told him about it. Phew! For now...

Until my ED counsellor makes me go to my new GP and tell her, I'm keeping my mouth ziped tightly shut about it. I don't want them to know... they'll somehow take the meds away from me, they'll not give me more, they'll make people keep an eye on me to make sure that I'm not purging. I don't even binge... I either eat a little, or eat nothing... But still purge... Sigh..

I have to go to the gym in exactly 6 minutes with a friend. I agreed to go, to keep her company. I feel weak and tired from the purging and the lax's just make me feel sick because they're sachets that I have to dissolve in water... Urghhh. My back and my ribs hurt, but most of all, my stomach muscles hurt from the retching... I thought I wasn't able to make myself sick anymore, after the time I was bulimic... Maybe I am

I don't like this. I know, I just Know I'm going to overwork myself in the gym in a minute. I just know I'll make myself do a double workout, so instead of 40-50 minutes, it'll be an hour and 20 minutes - an hour and a half. Jeez. But somehow... I don't care if it kills me... Just so long as I can get rid of all this fat and guilt, I'm fine.

Yeah. I'm fine!

Thanks for the hugs and sitting with me and stuffs. It's greatly appreciated. I will try to do that list and read aloud what Sannah said, P7, but I'm not making any promises... I'm exhausted after no sleep last night and purging twice in 2 days and stuff.

TPND! I am sorry that you are struggling so!

tiny steps TPND - as long as you take steps in the right direction its ok - get some sleep - tomorrow is a brand new day

Start.
Practicing.
Now.

As I guessed, I overworked myself in he gym and tody I am aching like crazy. I feel proud of it though... The aching, to me, is a good thing. It means I worked hard and have started burning off all the fat I keep putting on no matter how little I eat..

I had counselling today. It was good. Counsellor was disappointed when she read my food diary and said either I stop writing the food diary and just work on stuff in counselling, or go to my GP, carry on with the food diary and take it with me to show him how little I've been eating and get blood tests and other tests to see what effect it's having on my body. Counsellor said she was worried about how little I'm eating and what effect it's having on mybody and she wants me to eat more and concentrate on lookign after me for once, not everybody else. It was good, but now I'm scared... She said if I lose anymore weight right in front of her (if that makes sense!!!) then she'll take matters into her own hands and SWEDA will contact my GP

I'm scared... I tried to sleep last night, but failed. I played on sing star with 2 friends and I'm at the top of the leader board doing queen songs!! But now have a sore throat :-/ It was good fn and the gym session, alongside the singign was tiring, but I still just couldn't sleep til 3am. I had to drag my butt out of bed at 6am to have a shower ready for counselling today...

I don't want my GP to find out about how bad my eating is at the moment. She'll make me go every week for check ups and weigh-ins and Connor will be checking up on me every five seconds. Grrrrr. I don't want all this fuss!! I even told my counsellor that I honestly don't care if my potassium/sugar/whatever levels drop to dangerous levels. I really don't. As long as I have control over something in my life, especially my weight, I'm happy, I'm fine. It won't kill me. I'm that scared taht now, I'm going to start wearing big, heavy jumpers to my counselling sessions so that she can't notice... Maybe she'll notice it on my face, but that doesn't matter, it doesn't mean much... I'm due to go in the gym again on Friday, but it depends how weak I feel. I want to push myself to do it, but I know everyone will go mad if I'm weak.

I dno't know. I just feel like I'm not worth caring about, like I just cause so uch trouble to everyone and what's the point in them trying to help me when i throw it back in their faces like this?

yep I agree - start getting into the habit now and it will be easier when puppy is back - take care of you ok -

..........

I haven't even started writing the letter and I need to get it done because I'm driving myself insane over it. I hardly even knwo what to write...

I just had an india head massage, neck, back and shoulder massage and reflexology. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! I thought I'd do it because I've felt so crappy today and it was free, so yeah. It was good and I almost fell asleep!
The guy (a friend) who was doing the massage asked if I'd eaten anything today... He knows nothing of my ED still being bad... How on EARTH did he come up with taht question? Did it show in the way I was talking? The way my muscles were? How I looked? See. I got all panicky. He noticed that too. When I said no, he gasped in a jokey manner, so I laughed and said "shhhh!" Heh.

How can I help the little girl to express herself when she's so scared? Everytime I walk into that room with Sian, the little girl comes out to play and she's all happy and smiley, like nothing's wrong... I want to change that, really I do... We're going to do some work based around my Adoptive Father. Iasked Sian if we could work on this and explained that I wanted to work on it because I know that my Adoptive Father and I are so alike in teh way that he's always been passive and still is and so have I, but I'm learning to be less passive and such. Also with the way that The Adoptive Mother always beats down on him, insults him, tells him he's doing everything wrong and never does anything for her. He does everything for her.

How can it kill me...? I'm fine, I'm still walking, able to lift weights, able to run, able to talk and rush around doing things. My brain may not be 100%, hence any spelling mistakes... It's not engaging with my hands and such properly, but hey.. That'll pass... I normally does...

So many people say they won't give up on me, taht they'll always be there for me no matter what, then the next thing I know they're slagging me off behind my back, and they give up on me... It's not that I don't have faith in you, or what you say, Sannah... It's just teh whole trust thing and I don't believe I'm worth being cared about..

I'm sorry. I feel so bad at the moment

To me this all sounds like parts of the same conversation. It may not always look like it's on topic but that may just be because we're not ready to see it. Earlier I wrote:Well, just for openers, that Sannah and phoenix7 (among others) aren't planning to slag you off or give up on you. Where you are now, it sounds as if you can't see stuff like that unless you stand way up on tiptoe and peek over the hedge. That's fine -- you'll just need to practice standing on tiptoe and peeking a lot, till you get a little "taller".

It sounds like you have the ability to let some good stuff in... Being able to enjoy that, is really just another kind of control. <--- When you tune that out, it's going to look to you as if starving yourself is the only kind of control you have.

See? The view really is better out here. The people who appreciate you are on to something and right now you're the one who's having trouble seeing it. You don't have to believe us, either; we're inviting you to test it out for yourself.

(Or, when you tell us, "I don't believe I'm worth being cared about.." is that part of testing for you? Seeing if we'll give up and leave if you mistrust us or push us away? In that case, I guess there's not much use in our telling you we won't; you'll just have to try it and see.)
OK, but what if you were to get the idea that the "don't deserve" is just some ghosts from the past hovering over you, acknowledge them, and go on about your business (at the moment, that would seem to be taking good care of yourself). If the ghosts are still around when you're done, you can even tell them, "".Keep noticing, though, that when they do something of the sort, it's you letting them (or not), accepting it (or not), feeling safe (or not). Seems like you're going to be very surprised to discover how much control you have just like some lady who was surprised to discover that she'd been speaking prose all her life.

OK, you feel like apologizing. Noted. We've been having a good time getting to know you, though, and watching you get to know yourself a little better; you remind each of us of ourselves in some way; we're not surprised that you're often upset during this time in your life; and you don't need to apologize to us for it. If you should ever want to apologize to yourself, that would be up to you.

I am glad that you got that massage. What a nice treat for yourself!

That's the thing... I don't want anyone to be onto the fact that I'm not eating. I can't let anyone know that. He doesn't even know anything about it, apart from taht I've struggled before... Maybe it's because my shoulders felt more bony or something, I don't know.. I don't think they would've because I'm still fat!

I don't mistrust you, or try to push you - or anyone - away. I just find it hard to believe what you say because of what I've been told all my life. Everytime someone says something good about me, to me, I'm waiting for the bad thing to come out, but no... That little voice inside my head tells me all tehbad stuff to cancel out the good thing that one person just said.

I don't think I have any control... Nothing seems like control to me because what control others say I do have, to me... Isn't obvious whereas to them, it is. Letting people care and letting myself feel safe and accepting help is just what everybody does everyday. I don't see that as control, I see that as just life.

Why would I apologise to myself?

Sannah; It is a problem because as I said in our session yesterday, nobody sees the real me, my true feelings, how much I hurt deep down. They see the "I've got to be tough, stay strong, keep my emotions held back" me, because that's how I survived before so now that's the way I have to survive. It's all about survival for me. I couldn't let Sian see me cry, especially not yet because there;s so much to cry about and I'd look like a complete idiot because I'd just be sobbing my face off and I'd apologise loads and just feel really pathetic and stupid. I have a feeling, though, that when we talk about my Adoptive Father, there'll be some very deep stuff coming out and maybe the little girl inside me will come out and stop being smiley for once, I don't know.

I'm trying to show myself that I deserve stuff like this, but something always tells me that I don't... Yesterday, John (the guy massaging my back and shoulders) said "You've got a good back. You've got hardly any knots, just your shoulders and neck are quite tense, but you've got a nice back." Heh. I was surprised at that. Then when I was having reflexology, Jason and Alex came to me and said; "You work so hard, girl. It's about time you let yourself have some time for you, to chill out and have some pampering!" It was nice, I just felt undeserving... But when they said that, I felt a little more deserving and the voices evaporated for a while... The indian head massage was nice too. I've never had any of these therapies before and everyone was shocked when I said that, saying I never give myself enough time to relax and be pampered, looked after etc. The woman doing the indian head massage commented on how gorgeous my hair is. Heh. I said that I love my hair and she kept playing with it. LOL. She said she wants me to go to her yoga classes because she could tell I'm quite tense a lot of the time and such. So yeah... Yoga next week.

I finally got some sleep last night! I think all the massages and stuff made everything much easier and I was able to chill out for pretty much the rest of the day. I got to sleep at 10.30pm and didn't wake up until 7am this morning. Obviously the lack of sleep has caught up with me now, so I still feel tired, but if I manage to sleep tonight, the amopunt of sleep I'm getting will overtake the lack of sleep I've had. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

Connor was talking to me about my eating last night, saying taht I need to go to the drs because it's inevitable anyway and I may as well just get it over and done with now.. Nuh-uh. I said to him "It's not inevitable because I can get better, I can make myself better and I won't have to go" which I think is true. It's not gonna be really hard, I can get out of it when I want to. I'm strong enough. One of my friends was begging me last night for web addresses where she could count calories of what she'd eaten. I refused point blank for ages and she got upset, but I didn't bakc down. A while later, she thanked me for not backing down. So it paid off. I didn't like upsetting her, but I told her I didn't want her going down the same road as me because it's not a nice road to go down.

So many people needed my help last night and I just got frustrated because most of them wouldn't listen, just kept on going on and on. In the end I just told them that I needed sleep because I was so exhausted and couldn't think straight. Then, just as I'm drifting off, I get a text from the usual person that constantly asks for my help. "Can I come over to talk to you please?" NO!!!! I'm trying to sleep *******it!!!! She should know by now, after all the times I've told her that the reason I moved out of that fircken hellhole was to get away from everyone there!!!! Not to just have a bigger flat! If I lived in that room, without those people living around me, I'd be happy, but no. They were iving around me, so I moved and now they're still trying to feed off my emotions, my kindness, my help and how much I care about others and not myself. Well she can go feed off someone else because I'm Sick to death of her and others feeding off me!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR I just want to be able to live MY life the way that I want to, without them constantly bugging me. Just f--k off somewhere else!!!!! Sigh. Sorry. They enrage me so much because all they ever do is take, take, take, never give back and I'm sick and tired of it!! All I veer do is give to others and it's killing me...It's making me seriously ill and they know this!!!

This is the only place I can truly just release everything, get it off my chest, vent. And I'm sorry you all have to put up with it... I guess sometimes... I just get so frustrated with everything and it all builds up and I'm just so, so sick of it

Now I understand what you are saying about your inner child and how she is just putting on a smile. Gradually she/you will feel more comfortable. There is nothing wrong with crying in therapy.

You vent away all you want..............

I'm glad that you slept!

I like the progress that you are making on having more for yourself and less for others.

I know there's nothing wrong with it... For anyone else.. But somehow, for me it's different. Nobody else is weak when they cry, but I am. Oh yes, I'm always weak, whether I'm smiling, laughing, frowning, crying, joking or whatever. I'm weak. Always have been and still am. I hope I won't always be weak. I'm working on not always feeling weak and vulnerable. I guess because whenever I cried before, I was vulnerable and I was always attacked somehow, whether it be physically, sexually or mentally. I was ALWAYS attacked. I guess I'm scared of that happening now and that's why I won't let myself be vulnerable by crying. I'm scared that someone will laugh at me, like everytime I cry now, that sound of HER cackle, the evil, spiteful, nasty, conniving, hateful laugh. I hate it. Ugh. I hate being reminded of her.

I just wish I didn't have all this playing on my mind, I wish I didn't get flashbacks, sleepless nights, panic attacks, the shakes, depression, PTSD. GRRRRR.

Last night was scary... Just as I closed my eyes to sleep, they were snapped open again after I saw a flash of silver in the form of a knife or sword. It scared me s--tless, but i was just too tired to jump out of bed and switch my light on, so I flashed the light on my phone around the room to check that I was safe. I started to get the shakes a bit and when I closed my eyes again, I saw a young boy's face, his eyes had a pleading, upset look in them and I have been thinking about this all day, wondering why on Earth I had this... I couldn't sleep for a little while after that, but because my body was so exhausted, it finally let me sleep.

It's been said that headlice are going around the building again. Sigh. I'm so glad I don't live here, but it means keeping my hair tied up again. I ranted to Connor today about people at the YMCA and he got quite angry at who I was talking about. He asked why I don't just stop doing the breakfast club and washing up for everyone else when they're too ******* lazy to do it themselves. I told him it's something for me to get up for in the mornings. If I didn't have that, I'd be in bed right now doing nothing and feeling more depressed than ever starving myself. That I would hate. He especially got angry at one of the staff members being quite cocky to me today. He didn't think it was professional, ro polite at all and certainly not to a 17 year old who cares so much about what others think of her and say to her. GRR. He's a grumpy old man and he does my head in!!!!

I like the progress that I am making on having more for myself and less for others. I'm finding it hard, but I'm getting there. I'm also glad that I slept! I spent a wonderful day with Connor today and he cheered me up hugely, but the picnic we had was just awkward and I almost cried and just... Ugh. I hated it I found it very hard after not eating for 2 days. I just wanted to make him happy, though. I wanted to"prove" that I can do it, that I will make myself better. I told him that there would've been no point in going for blood tests today considering I was eating for him, because it wouldn't have showed up anything like the fact that I hadn't been eating for a few days on and off.

I don't want to go there yet. Just not ready yet.