It's Hitting Me Too Hard

More later. For now, though...Exactly! And why would you need to apologize to us, either?

We know they're both you. I'll bet a lot more of the people around you know, too, than you're giving them credit for.

(So I lied. More sooner, too!)Excellent observation!!!!! Way to go!

Ah crap, I get why you said about apologising to myself now.. Hmm. I fell for that one!! :-/. You do know they're both me..? How? I guess it's because I've shown that side of me here. Heh. I don't know if people know me more than I give them credit for... i honestly don't think they do, because I don't let on at all. I clam up :-/

Heh. Yeah. I know it's different for everyone else, always have. I just don't get why it's so bad for me to cry. I try to when I feel like I need to, but something inside me stops me and I just don't know what it is yet... I guess it's the barriers still coming up from when I was with The Adoptive Family. Hmmmm.

This makes so much sense. I am so glad that you made this connection. This is how you will get better by understanding these types of connections!

I am glad that you ate with Connor!

I wish I could change it, though... That's the problem...

I know that one reason i starve so much is because I want to be thin, like they want me to, to be perfect like they want me to be... Because of always being called fat and ugly and not good enough and disgusting, repulsive, chubs, fatty, heffalump. Ugh. No wonder I think I'm fat! Even when no matter what heavy jumpers I wore, my bones protruded, I still thought I was fat because they told me so! GRRRRRRR

I hate what they've done and said... I just want to be okay. I just want to be happy. I just want my angel back. I just want to be NORMAL.

I can't always say exactly "how" I get a sense of where someone's coming from -- but yes, hun, you have shown us different sides of you, we can see you're a lot like us, and when we try putting ourselves in your place we sort of "see" what fits and what doesn't. (Can anyone else say this a little better?)
I'd think crying would trigger you, so you'd only cry when you didn't mind being triggered or when you couldn't help it. And one of the things you do when you're triggered is think bad things about yourself. I don't know how you are when you see other people around you get triggered, but I'm guessing you accept it a lot more easily than when it happens to you. In that case, you might be inclined to let others mostly be the way they are, and think bad things mostly about yourself.
It doesn't sound to me as if they're your friends. They seem to have had stuff going on with them that made them unable to appreciate you. I'm wondering if they even honestly thought you were fat (or honestly cared) -- or if they just knew they could get your goat by telling you you were.

You may not be able to see this quite yet, but when you try to get thinner to prove them wrong, from here it looks just as if you were sticking up for them: "You were right, I was too fat, if I get this thin will you appreciate me? This thin? How about this thin?" I don't know about this; I'm not convinced they'll be ready to start appreciating you even if you waste clean away.

Oh, and the other weird thing is: they didn't (couldn't?) appreciate you -- so now we get to watch you acting like you don't (aren't able to?) appreciate yourself? What, are you in league with them or something?!

(Just a guess, but here it is anyway: I'll bet they had a hard time appreciating themselves -- so they took it out on you.)

Take care of yourself -- and whatever you do, don't let them tell you how to go about it.

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Living well is the best revenge.

I think crying would trigger me too, I think it'd bring back the times when I did cry and I'd suddenly clam up and become the fearful, cowering child afraid that I'm going to get hit for crying, for showing emotion. I do accept other getting triggered a lot more easily than I do when it happens to me, I care for them and I talk through it with them and help them to understand it a little better and calm down etc. That's exactly how it is. I'm fine with others being triggered and getting upset, but when it's me, nuh-uh. I'm not allowed..

The people calling me fat and such weren't friends... They were The Adoptive Family. Even my Twin called me fat. Maybe they did think that they could get my goat by telling me that I'm fat etc, and yes. It worked. They got my goat and now it's really screwed things up for me. Well done "Family" good frickin' job! *claps hands*.
Yeah, seeing you put it that way does make a good point... I don't know if they'll accept me, but there's such a huge part of me that would give anything to just see if they'll accept me.

I'm not in league with them, I'm just carrying on the punishments that they gave me. I'm carrying the hate that they showed me and everything... I can't help it, they were like that towards me, so now I think that I have to carry that on to please them... Maybe they had a hard time appreciating themselves, but IMHO, they are narcissists who hate everything and everyone that isn't like how they want them to be. I was told this by my GP. He said that they sound very much like narcissistic people and it's true... I searched it on the internet, the definition and it fits their characters perfectly! Sigh. I just wish I'd never been adopted by them...

I'm not well today.. I woke up at 1.30am this morning and was sick, for reasons I don't know of - again. It's incredible and it's really starring to bug me! I don't like being woken up to throw up. I know I felt really hot and bothered when I was trying to sleep, maybe I was anxious still, but I don't know.. I just couldn't stop writhing about in bed. Trying to keep still, I'd only get hotter!!!! GRRRR. So all day I've been getting hot flushes for no reason, even when I'm sat doing nothing, I start breaking out in a sweat and I just don't know why

"Certain illnesses, such as anorexia nervosa, can cause hot flashes." I copied this from this website:

http://www.drnorthrup.com/womenshealth/healthcenter/topic_details.php?topic_id=130

I guess if I feel like that in therapy, I guess I could stop what I'm saying and tell Counsellor that I feel like crying and we can kinda talk about itand hopefully figure out why I block the tears and stuff, hopefully break that down. I don't know. I'm scared.

No, these people aren't respectful, but when i think about it, it always comes back to the fact that they adopted me and took me in and they're my Adoptive Parents, they gave me another chance at life... I know they made it worse despite being supposed to make it better, but then I look at that again and think... Who would I be if I hadn't been through all of this? Would I be such a kind and caring person? Probably, but not so much as I am... maybe taht's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.

I just ad to fill out a whole long form abotu my mental health and everything. Jeez! It took me an hour and a half. I had to think about every tiny detail. Gaaahhhh! There was so much to write about!

I am applying for a job within the NHS too. They are welcoming to people who have had experiences of mental health difficulties, which is great and Nick (key support worker helping me with it) is sure that I've got a very high chance of getting the job... Considering I have had NO experience with it as a job, just as something I do in my personal life, i know it'll be a challenge, but then again I'm looking forward to if I do get the job because it means I will feel like a better person, be able to understand the people, respect them and treat them well and allow them to hold their dignity! Alongside feeling like I am bettering myself along the way. Ahhhh. I'm scared, but excited but anxious all at the same time! :-/

The only problem I have at the moment is the ******* stomach pains from eating today when Connor was here :-( I went out of the room earlier, to the bathroom and started bawling my eyes out iwthout Connor knowing. I sighed a lot and he asked what was wrong, but I just said I had a lot on my mind and nothing more was said luckily. I didn't feel like going into details.

I hope things improve

Thank you for researching the hot flashes for me, it makes sense now...

This sounds like a good plan. Do you want to talk more about why you are afraid with it?

Good luck with the job!

Thanks, Sannah.

I think I'm afraid of showing emotions, or saying that I feel like crying because I feel like Counsellor will ask why I feel like crying and then talk more and more about what's making me feel like crying and then I'll cry and 'm just scared that she'll be like "see? It's not so bad" or that I won't be able to stop, or that I'll feel stupid, or that she'll laugh or something or feel like she's broken me down... I know this is all things that THEY did and stuff and it's still lingering there, scaring me... But i guess I'm not willing to take the chance...

I want to take the chance, I really do, but I'm just so scared of being rejected again and her thinking and seeing how weak I am..

or that you might float away from all the tears........ I hope you don't mind me teasing you a little!

Fear of the unknown maybe or fear of being triggered and being sent back to that time and reexperiencing it again?

You will do it when you are ready. Examining it like this is good work! I can see how you would feel all of these things........ Your feelings are valid (valid in that I can see how you would feel this way but not valid in that this is what will happen).

(Here's the post-and-run guy again. Gotta go to work soon.)

Meanwhile they're probably fine with you going through stuff, as long as it's not them. And they (sounds like us, too!) care for you and talk through it with you and help you to understand it a little better and calm down ... That's the way the world works, actually -- what goes around, usually comes around.

Yes, and in that respect, at least, they were no friends of yours.

What will be the test for you, if they even can accept you or not? How long do you think you'll give them? If it's as hard for them to accept you (for whatever problems of their own) as it is for you to let go of being accepted, this could turn into quite a long standoff.
Yes, and those are pretty much the same thing. They could very well be narcissistic -- it would fit with how they treated you. If your own research supports it too, I'd say that pretty much clinches it.

Take care of yourself, hun!

Float away from all the tears...? Confused!!! No, I don't mind you teasing me, if only I understood what you mean!! My brain is floating around like I'm on something :P But I'm not!!!

I guess it's fear of the unknown and fear of being taken back to that time and reliving it.. i don't want to start hyperventilating with Counsellor, because I hate people being there when i panic because they try to touch me, hug me or whatever to let me know that they're there and I'm safe, but that just makes me flinch and feel even more scared.

I know she'll say I'm not weak and she'll say that it takes a lot of strength to break down such tough barriers and cry... But still, I'm so scared!

I don't want to give them too long... i want to giev them at most until I'm 20. That's only 2 years away, but still that's a hell of a long way away and I know it is and maybe you think that's too long, but it's a round number and it's a time when i want to have started my new life and have moved on. I want to be able to let go by the time I'm 20, whether I just forgive or forget. I don't care. I want to let go then.

At least there's an explanation for their behaviour, but that doesn't excuse it. My twin seems to think it does, but it doesn't. Nothing ever excuses such awful behaviour towards a child... I just wish I could believe that it's not my fault. I know a small part deep inside me tells me and knows that it's not my fault, but those voices come back everyday reminding me that I'm doing everything wrong, whether I am actually doing it wrong, or I'm doing the best thing that anyone could ever do...

..........

I'm still confused!! Don't be sorry abotu teasing, it's good to be teased sometimes, brings me back to reality... But if I wasn't confused then I'd probably laugh! Did you mean that there'd be so many tears that I'd float away on them...?

I can try to tell people not to touch me. I remember Connor made the mistake of touching me and I went to hit him because I saw him as my abuser because that's what the flashback/nightmare was of and so I thought whoever was touching me was my abuser. Ick. i soon learned that it was him and started crying

He was very supportive and understood why i lashed out when he touched me. He felt hurt at first, when I pushed him away, but then when i explained abotu it, he understood and said he'd try not to make that mistake again. I can understand why he touched me though. It ust freaked me out a bit more :-/

Be sure to let her know that, but it should be her job to tell when to work with you on pushing through that, or when to back off and give you some room.

You're doing just fine! Thank you for sharing all that.

<-- cyberhug. No need to flinch, just scroll it off the screen if it gets in your way.

Yes, this is what I meant.

This that you explained with Connor was very good communication!

Thanks. I think hse knows to give me some room if I panic, to just calm down because I told her abotu what happened with Connor when he hugged me and she understood.

Cyberhugs are okay and even real ones, just not when I'm panicking! WQith the real ones I mean...

Ummm. yeah. Someone just asked me if I'm still going over to see the tomorrow, but I've had to tell them I can't because I'm too ill

They can't both be right, but on the bright side -- you do get a choice of which voice(s) to listen to.

I know I get a choice, I just... I've believed the ones telling me I'm wrong for so, so long that I'm kinda used to it, you know? So I feel like they're the right voices to listen to...

I just uploaded the video to my new song "Wrong and Right". Woo! Still not hapyp with it, but it's good enough for a first fuill attempt :P

Let's hope I can start to learn which voices are teh right ones... Maybe then my life would be a little easier, right?

Yes! Which voices are the right ones! Is there any way that we can hear your song???????

I don't know which ones are right yet!! I wish I did, but I don't... I find that I start to believe the voices being kind to me, the then the voices that put me down, telling me I'm wrong and I'll never do anythying right or amount to anything etc, come sliding back into my head

Yes, I have a link.



It is in no way the best version I have done of it, I had been singing it so many times that my voice died a bit and I was pretty exhausted It sounds much better now, a week later! Ummm yeah, so just a warning and an apology for it not being great!

Back to the voices and which ones are right... I don't know how I'll ever find out which ones are right...

TPND! Your voice is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!! I was a little teary watching you. I felt a bit like a proud parent! I love your guitar playing too. Who taught you how to play?

Just keep reminding yourself that those bad voices are only from the past and they were planted in there by a terrible person!

Thanks. As I said... It's probably the worst version of it that I've done!!! I did a cover of Jewel's Life Uncommon too..



I was very sniffly in that one!! and Connor stole the video without me knowing and put it on youtube, so it sucks! :P I'm sory I made you teary! I think my first ever song is the worst for that! I was taught to play the guitar at school, but he never taught me the whole up and down stroke thing, I acquired that skill myself and have always chosen my own ways to play my guitar and learnt most of it myself Thank you for the compliment on my voice. I'm still finding those compliments hard to believe as of yet, but I'm getting to liking hearing my own singing voice!

I'm trying to remind myself about the voices only being planted there by a bad person, but they always told me how beautiful my singing was... But then told me that they were lying, to use it against me, show me that I am actually a bad person and have NO good qualities... So yeah... Ummm.

I'm glad you liked the video. That was done in my flat