[CalmingOcean]

You guys, it's never felt this bad before. It first came on last Wednesday I just want to sit in my running car in the garage...my try and think of positive things, my family especially my son but then it makes me more depressed that he isn't enough for me to not even have these feelings.

I haven't had a change of Meds recently so it's not that. I haven't self medicated since Last wed (alcohol or pot) hoping that would help, and not, still there. That stupid thought. That life is poinless, meaningless. It takes all I have to make it through the day. This is horrible.

[elin95]

Hello CalmingOcean, it's a great step to spread your thoughts in this topic and to be open about your feelings.

Suicidal thoughts can be very hard to get through. I think that's something we all agree with. Suicidal thoughts can eat us alive, make us feel like we are not worth living.

My question to you is: is this your first time that you have serious suicidal thoughts? If no: what did you do before, when you had them? Is there someone you can call and talk to?

Here are some suicide hotlines in Canada:
Canada Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Canada Suicide Hotlines, Canada Suicide Hotlines, Canada Suicide Hotlines, Canada Suicide Hotlines!

Don't feel ashamed to call, the people you can talk to are professional and know how to help you.

Please hold on. I really believe that you can get through this moment.

[Open Eyes]

Oh CalmingOcean I am so sorry, I know about this challenge, had struggled with it myself, it's so hard. These thoughts come in waves, yes, they are very strong too, but they also go away, and I had to work through that myself feeling very alone like you are discribing. Have you talked to your therapist about this? It's very important you have help with this, it will ease up. I am not sure "why" this stage happens tbh, but, with therapy and time it will ease up. So, you need to force yourself to ask for help. After you work your way past this stage you "will" be glad you did.

Please, I know this is so hard as I mentioned I have experienced this myself, I promise, it will go away with help and time. You have to do a major stress reduction in your life and have someone to help you work through this until it slowly eases up. I understand how it feels like you are not going to get better, but you "can", I promise so take the steps to reach out for help.

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE

[vital]

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

You guys, it's never felt this bad before. It first came on last Wednesday I just want to sit in my running car in the garage...my try and think of positive things, my family especially my son but then it makes me more depressed that he isn't enough for me to not even have these feelings.

I haven't had a change of Meds recently so it's not that. I haven't self medicated since Last wed (alcohol or pot) hoping that would help, and not, still there. That stupid thought. That life is poinless, meaningless. It takes all I have to make it through the day. This is horrible.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking for pure sensory experiences that don't involve any thinking. I would going for lots of walks. I LOVE walking. The Fall colors, the CALMING OCEAN, colors, sounds, smells that I love, music that I love, a delicious glass of water, really good food, the feeling of your own body. That's what I'd be looking for. These never let you down.

- vital

[CalmingOcean]

Thank you everyone, it helps knowing others have been there and come out of it.

I haven't had these kinds of suicidal thoughts before. Yes feelings of not wanting to be 'here' I guess but never actually co spidering it an option till last wed up until today. It is horrible.

I feel like my days are empty, like I have very little purpose, that my son may be better off without me,it's all really stupid feeling.

I have gotten many lows before and that is usually when self harm becomes my option and I find it pulls me out but even that wasn't working!

i think I am going to take a nap. Little guy is sleeping now too.

[elin95]

(((((CalmingOcean)))))) it is a very good idea to take a nap. Take some time to relax, maybe get a shower or bath.. hold on. And your son is DEFINITELY not better off without you! For you it might be hard to believe but every son needs his mommy. And your son needs you. I believe you will get through it. Xx

[Open Eyes]

Ok, that does happen, but it's more about not having "something" to one's self that's productive for "self" too.

What is going on in your life right now? Are the approaching holidays possibly overwhelming you and you are not realizing it? That is happening with a lot of members right now.

Getting to the bottom of what has triggered this helps, then you and work on ways to do whatever "you" need to take away any possible stressors.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Ok, that does happen, but it's more about not having "something" to one's self that's productive for "self" too.

What is going on in your life right now? Are the approaching holidays possibly overwhelming you and you are not realizing it? That is happening with a lot of members right now.

Getting to the bottom of what has triggered this helps, then you and work on ways to do whatever "you" need to take away any possible stressors.

Just took the dogs for a walk... Freaking cold here with snow

Anyways, the only thing I can see that would of been a trigger is we ever so slightly touched down on trauma crap with T last Monday, it was the 'blame game'... t was trying to get to the bottom of I guess who I should be blaming (I get I put a lot of un warranted blame on myself, but I wasn't getting the right answer I guess, so I continued the talk with a close friend through email (my parents I guess is the answer maybe T was looking for- not protecting me). But seriously, if that little bit of trauma work sent me into this kind of tail spin then I want out!ni don't want to 'do the work' and feel my stupid feelings like Tmis always telling me. AND she only booked me to come back in three weeks because I am still dissociating in session and 'self medicating' isntead of feeling my feelings. Aug. It's so hard. I miss my blissful ignorance to all this. I want to go back to my faking days that looked like I had it all together. Now that I have to drop the act I am freaking falling apart.

[Open Eyes]

Well, I hear you about being able to go back to being able to "just", however, that all added up to a point where it was hurting you somehow, so you are struggling with PTSD now.

If things happened to you growing up, I don't think you have to get right into blaming anyone, but most of all not "yourself" for whatever it was. Your hesitation with "not feeling" is important to pay attention to IMHO. The pace needs to go slow simply because you are now an adult and not that child you were, so you don't want to add adult emotions when that child didn't know enough to have such "adult" emotions.

Often it is much better to take a kind of back door approach by talking about the topic "in a very general way" first. It's not important to get graphic either, not unless that comes up and the patient needs to discuss that part, but it's more important to talk about why these situations take place, because the truth is, it happens more then people realize. You don't need the discussion about this part of your history to retraumatize you.

Often the "self blaming" comes more from struggling to talk about how you, or the patient learned to deal with it and process it on their own somehow, how that process was done in a way that person was best able to manage it. People have their own private way of managing certain things on their own, are not sure how to explain it to others and it's almost unimaginable thinking about how to even put it into words.

I remember trying to explain my own past and yet also thinking OMG, I am not sure anyone is going to get this about me. I was not capable of blaming "yet" either, I had kind of figured that out on my own and I was not really ready to talk so much about "emotions" all that much either.

When I began to have these dark thoughts, it was because too much was coming forward and I was very, very confused and had no idea how to explain it all. What helped me ease out of experiencing these dark thoughts was taking "slow" steps again. And my T did ask questions, but I had to talk about it "first" by mostly talking about the subject and the sexual maturity level of children and just very general.

It's ok to slow down so you are not feeling like you opened up "some" and now "have to" do more than you are ready to do.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by elin95

(((((CalmingOcean)))))) it is a very good idea to take a nap. Take some time to relax, maybe get a shower or bath.. hold on. And your son is DEFINITELY not better off without you! For you it might be hard to believe but every son needs his mommy. And your son needs you. I believe you will get through it. Xx

Thank you.. I was a military brat so my dad was always away so I do know kids need their parents... Then I get guilty thinking about leaving him motherless. But ****, he needs a well mom.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, I hear you about being able to go back to being able to "just", however, that all added up to a point where it was hurting you somehow, so you are struggling with PTSD now.

If things happened to you growing up, I don't think you have to get right into blaming anyone, but most of all not "yourself" for whatever it was. Your hesitation with "not feeling" is important to pay attention to IMHO. The pace needs to go slow simply because you are now an adult and not that child you were, so you don't want to add adult emotions when that child didn't know enough to have such "adult" emotions.

Often it is much better to take a kind of back door approach by talking about the topic "in a very general way" first. It's not important to get graphic either, not unless that comes up and the patient needs to discuss that part, but it's more important to talk about why these situations take place, because the truth is, it happens more then people realize. You don't need the discussion about this part of your history to retraumatize you.

Often the "self blaming" comes more from struggling to talk about how you, or the patient learned to deal with it and process it on their own somehow, how that process was done in a way that person was best able to manage it. People have their own private way of managing certain things on their own, are not sure how to explain it to others and it's almost unimaginable thinking about how to even put it into words.

I remember trying to explain my own past and yet also thinking OMG, I am not sure anyone is going to get this about me. I was not capable of blaming "yet" either, I had kind of figured that out on my own and I was not really ready to talk so much about "emotions" all that much either.

When I began to have these dark thoughts, it was because too much was coming forward and I was very, very confused and had no idea how to explain it all. What helped me ease out of experiencing these dark thoughts was taking "slow" steps again. And my T did ask questions, but I had to talk about it "first" by mostly talking about the subject and the sexual maturity level of children and just very general.

It's ok to slow down so you are not feeling like you opened up "some" and now "have to" do more than you are ready to do.

I'm feeling better today. Thank you for this OPen Eyes... I'm going to save this and re read it when I feel down. I remember thinkng this 'trauma work' was going to be easy... Not going to affect me, I want that brave face back. I almost feel ashamed that it isn't the walk in the park I thought it would be. They say it's normal to get worse before getting better but I was steps away from admitting myself in the psych hospital :/ I knew I didn't want to leave my son and husband but I just couldn't shake that feeling.

I didn't take my night time med last night and I feel better today. Do you think that was the cause? It's the only thng that was different. My drinking or pot smoking was the same as I always did, my eating habits were the same (I'm bulimic) but that, the night time meds, my psychiatrist put the dose up a couple weeks ago. Maybe it was that. I don't know. I want to blame it on something. I'm scared the feeling comes back. Ugh.

[Open Eyes]

(((CalmingOcean))),

It's a challenge to work through one's past and at the same time live in the "now" when it comes to PTSD. However, in this challenging process there does come a gain in better understanding life challenges too. A mother who spends time working through whatever is there will slowly understand things differently and in that can actually be a "better" parent, rather than a parent who somehow just goes along "just" ignoring realities.

We cannot "change" our past, however, we can actually work on reviewing it and making gains on understanding ourselves much better and also learning not to be so hard on one's self too.

I have been through a great deal myself in this healing process. I felt like I was not a good parent either. However, the truth is, I have actually been more helpful because of what I have learned. I know right now it doesn't seem possible with how you are struggling. But, with patience and time that will start to happen for you.

[Open Eyes]

I was on Klonopin for a while and I had the same question myself. It's worth looking into because you have a few things you are doing that with the increase in medication could be leading to your feeling more depressed. You are on nicotine/marijuana/and ?. Plus, you are not eating well? I struggled with no appetite myself, tended to crave sugars and carbs too.

Most people who struggle with PTSD complain of struggling to "sleep", I had that challenge myself. That is why I took the Klonopin as it did help me sleep at night.
It "is" important to at least find something that helps with a person at least having their body rest at night. A true restorative sleep where dreaming/rem sleep can take place takes a while as from what I discovered myself, I just did not have enough there so my brain could figure out "how" to process all the challenges I had.

How you managed your own way of dealing in spite of things you went through "is" actually a lot more "reasonable" than you may think. That is why it was more helpful to me to discuss the common challenges that take place when a child faces certain types of dysfunction. It was better for me to gain the overall knowledge, rather than my thinking too much about my own ways of "privately" dealing as though I was out on some island that no one would understand. I had engaged my T with a general discussion where I would ask questions and he would talk about the topic "in general" and as he did that I could say, "me too" here and there and what I liked is "he" did not push me with that either.

It took me a while to finally see my own pattern of how "others" impacted me in my history too. For myself, what I did notice is that over and over again I did try to find ways to be "positive" and productive and strive for "the better". My story has been more about me making progress only to have someone else damage it somehow. Often I was judged unfairly, even blamed when it was not "me" that was the problem.

You talk about bulimia? Well, I did not have that problem, however, my own stomach is a roadmap expressing how much stress I had been enduring in my life. I have had ulcers, a hyadal hernia, baratts esophogus, and I also was often challenged with constipation issues due to stresses caused to me from "other" dysfunctional individuals in my life path.

When the PTSD grew worse (yes it gets worse before it begins to get better), I felt like I would never be able to get anyone to understand the complexity of "me". Well, while it did take time, I have actually "slowly" made progress in that challenge. As I have had a chance to see the whole picture (which does take time), I can't blame myself. I can see how with the trauma that broke me right down happened and it was certainly "not" my fault.

I often did not have the "emotions" to give up right away in my therapy either. Often, that is not really ready to take place. I do remember that in my childhood, I don't think my "telling" would have been handled right, and when I look back I can see that even now. So, in that, it is not "just" that easy to "blame". Often "disassociation" doesn't mean one doesn't want to feel or is trying to hide out somehow. Often all it means is that a person needs more time to stand back and consider a lot more about that picture as well as all the challenges taking place, even with what was understood at that time too, in order to decide what emotions may fit with whatever is there.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((CalmingOcean))),

It's a challenge to work through one's past and at the same time live in the "now" when it comes to PTSD. However, in this challenging process there does come a gain in better understanding life challenges too. A mother who spends time working through whatever is there will slowly understand things differently and in that can actually be a "better" parent, rather than a parent who somehow just goes along "just" ignoring realities.

We cannot "change" our past, however, we can actually work on reviewing it and making gains on understanding ourselves much better and also learning not to be so hard on one's self too.

I have been through a great deal myself in this healing process. I felt like I was not a good parent either. However, the truth is, I have actually been more helpful because of what I have learned. I know right now it doesn't seem possible with how you are struggling. But, with patience and time that will start to happen for you.

I feel that way too... Thinking I am not good enough. Learning I was not present enough... My sons PDoc thinks he has developmental delays (he is two and not talking) or he may be on the autism spectrum... Developmental delays would pretty much be my fault, I Dont talk out loud enough and I'm not a good conversationalist.

I **** down at a young age and just dissociated myself from the world I really have a hard time conversing now, or just 'being'. The more I try and 'live in the world' the more I see how I was doing it all wrong or seeing my flaws. It's like its having the opposite effect on me. I hate to be so negative but shiiiiiiiiiiit.

Today I see the psychiatrist and now that I am feeling better I don't know if I will be able to express how bad the thoughts and feelings of suicide really were. Part of me will probably want to keep it covered up, the same part that won't take it seriously and that is so annoying. I was scared. Wednesday when it first came on I had a panic attack because of the severity of the thoughts.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I was on Klonopin for a while and I had the same question myself. It's worth looking into because you have a few things you are doing that with the increase in medication could be leading to your feeling more depressed. You are on nicotine/marijuana/and ?. Plus, you are not eating well? I struggled with no appetite myself, tended to crave sugars and carbs too.

Most people who struggle with PTSD complain of struggling to "sleep", I had that challenge myself. That is why I took the Klonopin as it did help me sleep at night.
It "is" important to at least find something that helps with a person at least having their body rest at night. A true restorative sleep where dreaming/rem sleep can take place takes a while as from what I discovered myself, I just did not have enough there so my brain could figure out "how" to process all the challenges I had.

I am on olanzapine for night, it is working quite well for sleeping but it's also the only major change that may of caused this extreme low...

How you managed your own way of dealing in spite of things you went through "is" actually a lot more "reasonable" than you may think. That is why it was more helpful to me to discuss the common challenges that take place when a child faces certain types of dysfunction. It was better for me to gain the overall knowledge, rather than my thinking too much about my own ways of "privately" dealing as though I was out on some island that no one would understand. I had engaged my T with a general discussion where I would ask questions and he would talk about the topic "in general" and as he did that I could say, "me too" here and there and what I liked is "he" did not push me with that either.

I think I get what your saying. When I first landed in all this therapy stuff, and they would ask question I had no idea what things were (do you have out of body experiences?- well worded like that I certainly don't but elbow rated then yes, I am hardly ever in my body I am off somewhere, so I like speaking in general terms it helps me understand better on how to relate these things to my own experience.

It took me a while to finally see my own pattern of how "others" impacted me in my history too. For myself, what I did notice is that over and over again I did try to find ways to be "positive" and productive and strive for "the better". My story has been more about me making progress only to have someone else damage it somehow. Often I was judged unfairly, even blamed when it was not "me" that was the problem.

Wow sorry that happened to you. I faced a lot of that in the eork place, lucky for me I am a stay at home mom now, but during my bad week even that was pointless to me :/

You talk about bulimia? Well, I did not have that problem, however, my own stomach is a roadmap expressing how much stress I had been enduring in my life. I have had ulcers, a hyadal hernia, baratts esophogus, and I also was often challenged with constipation issues due to stresses caused to me from "other" dysfunctional individuals in my life path.

Oh my gosh... Your body surely showed the signs of stress. I am bulimic, took me a long time to come to that conclusion (up until the psychiatrist told me I had an ED) I use to just say I binged and purged like it was no big deal and not attached to feelings, just something I did because I wanted to eat crap food but feared gaining too much weight (other issue. I battled weight my whole life)

When the PTSD grew worse (yes it gets worse before it begins to get better), I felt like I would never be able to get anyone to understand the complexity of "me". Well, while it did take time, I have actually "slowly" made progress in that challenge. As I have had a chance to see the whole picture (which does take time), I can't blame myself. I can see how with the trauma that broke me right down happened and it was certainly "not" my fault.

OMG!! I can't beleieve you said exactly how I feel- no one will get the complexity of me... Wow. My trauma t doesn't seem to want to work with me until I get **** under control so she keeps telling me to use my resources, one of which is my addictions coucellor (weed, alcohol, SI, ED and I was arrested for shoplifting a hefty amount of things, this is when this all started, I was drifting through life thinking I was alright just a little depressed- turns out Im Bipolar, borderline and have ptsd, this is a whole other rant though on how psychiatrist think they know what you are after one measly hour of asking questions) sorry way off topic now but I asked trauma t if she trust that my addiction councillor understands all this (with different parts and such) and she said 'you do!' So yeah...

I often did not have the "emotions" to give up right away in my therapy either. Often, that is not really ready to take place. I do remember that in my childhood, I don't think my "telling" would have been handled right, and when I look back I can see that even now. So, in that, it is not "just" that easy to "blame". Often "disassociation" doesn't mean one doesn't want to feel or is trying to hide out somehow. Often all it means is that a person needs more time to stand back and consider a lot more about that picture as well as all the challenges taking place, even with what was understood at that time too, in order to decide what emotions may fit with whatever is there.

Holy ****... I too worry that I can't call up proper emotions when talking about events in my life. So I avoid talking- like if I can't cry while talking about some of the trauma, how will she believe me kinda deal. Like you I don't think my telling back then would of been a great thing. For all I went through I learned from family my mom went through hell and back, and so I know she did the best she knew how to do but I always said I never wanted to be the mom mine was and it turns out, for the past two years I might have been.

[CalmingOcean]

Shoot, I answered each of your paragraphs but it put it all in with your blurb, so you have to read through all of yours to see my replies. It was easier for me to answer after each paragraph so I could focus on each point better.

[Open Eyes]

((CalmingOcean)),

It doesn't matter, don't stress about how you replied. I am more interested in what you have said tbh. I just wanted to help you understand that "healing/talking/feeling" when working through one's troubled past takes time and not everything is going to come out
all at once either. Having these feelings of "I failed" is actually very "normal" at first, that is because you are reviewing from what you know "now", and not what you knew at the time you are reviewing. You are also reviewing from a standpoint of being able to see things in a more complete way in that you see an outcome, and it's very important to recognize that you did not have that when experiencing different challenges in your life. This is another reason "why" we don't "just" see it all right away, don't know how to feel about everything right away either. If we could see everything all at once we risk self judging much too harshly so it is important we address things "gradually" so we don't get so overwhelmed. Also, there is a period when PTSD can present a lot of mini flashes and a person begins to feel that they can't possibly figure out how to address it all, that is often the darkest time and that "will" ease up as a person slowly starts going through the task of discussing their history and slowly being validated and feeling more understood.

Establishing a trusting "safe" relationship with a therapist is very important. What I found out myself is, it was much better when I discussed the topics in a more general way, as it allowed me to develop a part of myself that is often called "the wise mind".
The reason why this is so important to develop is that it is extremely helpful in slowly learning how to ground one's self instead of feeding into the confusing challenge of PTSD itself. This way as the "subconscious" mind slowly reveals different historical challenges, the wise mind slowly learns to allow one's self to step back and review and embrace the learning experience instead. This way, as things come forward with all the questions from the experiences, the wise mind learns to "acknowledge" whatever is there as "being in the past" and is something that finally needs to be resolved "slowly". While it is a lot of work to do this reviewing and trauma work, developing the wise mind to be patient and more accepting and "willing to learn" provides gains in the ability to slowly heal one's self instead of being overwhelmed with "dark suicidal thoughts". As the healing process continues, one begins to understand how PTSD cycles come in waves and that these waves always come in, crest, and receed, and they all need to be acknowledged and worked through and as that takes place, they become more settled each time. Is it easy? No, it's often very challenging, but, as I mentioned, a person will slowly make gains on whatever is coming forward. This is much easier as the "wise mind" learns about what "normal" development and capacity is during their personal challenges so that they begin to become "more patient" with self and "more self caring" and understanding.

Now, as far as your child is concerned and is displaying some developmental issues? Do not allow yourself to fall into self blaming for that either. As a person that has interacted with so many children the last 25 years myself, I can tell you, many parents have different challenges with these issues and it had nothing to do with their inadequacies.
I will also tell you that I raised a child with dyslexia, and she developed differently as well, her dyslexia had nothing to do with me, it was inherited genetically.

The important thing for you right now is to take time to learn about what it means and how you can help your child in spite of whatever this happens to be. That is what I did with my child, I learned about what dyslexia means, how she learns and even how she stresses when she is struggling to learn too.

If this happens to be on the autistic scale, so much more is being learned about it to where they have been developing more ways to help these children at younger ages.
So be patient and allow yourself to learn what is taking place and how you can help your child, that is what is more important to focus on right now. This is part of your also commiting to developing your own wise mind. You are still young, you can commit to learning, healing, gaining, growing in spite of whatever is in your own history, you really can do this.

It's ok to come here and talk through whatever you need to talk through. Yes, there are other members that are also working through this challenge. We struggle with cycles, but we also support each other too, with an understanding about the challenge and keeping our wise minds strong at the same time.

(((Supportive Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

((CalmingOcean)),

I think that your choice of that name CalmingOcean is great, that is your wise mind name taking shape too. PTSD brings on some confusing cycles that come in waves, but, these waves always receed. I think that it is good for you to remember that and keep ever present the "CalmingOcean" you are developing to help yourself remember and develop a gradual inner "CalmingOcean" in spite of whatever life storms happen to present.

[juniper1959]

(((Calming Ocean))) I have had those same thoughts, that my kids would be better off without me. I try to step back and just look at the thought/feeling, and then say to myself, "It's just a thought," or, "It's just a feeling. They come and go." I even put a note on my desk that said, "It comes and goes," to remind myself.

I often feel guilty because I lean on my kids too much, especially when I am having a combination of physical and emotional pain. I think I am a bad mom because I am leaning instead of propping. We want to prop our kids up, be their stable base that they can launch out from. That's normal, but no parent does that anywhere near perfectly.

I try to make sure every day I do some propping of my kids, even in a small way. (Mine are older and don't need much propping any more.) I do journaling and write down the good things I do to help combat the thoughts that say I am no good.

I make sure my kids have other adults who can prop them up when I can't. A teacher, a sports coach, a youth leader at church. I tell them that I have some health problems and it's hard on my kids and would they try to keep an eye out and be an encouragement, too? Your son is very young, but some day he will have those people, too.

I make sure my kids know that I love them and I'm happy to be their mom. Because that is the absolute truth. They are a huge blessing to me.

One more thing, your son doesn't need a well mom. He needs a mom who loves him, is happy to be his mom, who can meet some of his needs and find others who can meet the rest. You are that person!

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by juniper1959

(((Calming Ocean))) I have had those same thoughts, that my kids would be better off without me. I try to step back and just look at the thought/feeling, and then say to myself, "It's just a thought," or, "It's just a feeling. They come and go." I even put a note on my desk that said, "It comes and goes," to remind myself.

I often feel guilty because I lean on my kids too much, especially when I am having a combination of physical and emotional pain. I think I am a bad mom because I am leaning instead of propping. We want to prop our kids up, be their stable base that they can launch out from. That's normal, but no parent does that anywhere near perfectly.

I try to make sure every day I do some propping of my kids, even in a small way. (Mine are older and don't need much propping any more.) I do journaling and write down the good things I do to help combat the thoughts that say I am no good.

I make sure my kids have other adults who can prop them up when I can't. A teacher, a sports coach, a youth leader at church. I tell them that I have some health problems and it's hard on my kids and would they try to keep an eye out and be an encouragement, too? Your son is very young, but some day he will have those people, too.

I make sure my kids know that I love them and I'm happy to be their mom. Because that is the absolute truth. They are a huge blessing to me.

One more thing, your son doesn't need a well mom. He needs a mom who loves him, is happy to be his mom, who can meet some of his needs and find others who can meet the rest. You are that person!

Oh my gosh thank you for this... That last paragraph.. That helps.. He needs me. I need to remember that.

[elin95]

hi how are you right now? x

[CalmingOcean]

Hi Elin95, thank you for asking..

My husband just left not long ago, he works out of town, luckily he was back for a week right after these thoughts and when the low was really bad. It still comes and goes, not suicidal but just that life is meaningless, purposeless, even tho I have a son who I love and four wonderful dogs, it just doesn't seem enough some days.

Yesterday it was waves of in and out feeling like my life is pointless and then feeling okay...

I am day 8 of binge/purge free (which is actually almost leaves me in a state of disbelief that I did it), but now all I can think is how I so miss just numbing out with food, and the feeling of not feeling. It pushes me to want my other things (weed or alcohol) and I just have to keep pushing... It's like the more I 'feel' which is what my t wants, the more I feel crazy.

I am just trying to tap into the parts of me that hate being alone and learn to nurture the I ner child, but that is hard too.

It's all quite frustrating..

Sorry, that was longer than I intended

[elin95]

Hey Good to hear you don't have very intense suicidal thoughts right now.

And so great that you are 8 days binge/purge free. You can be really proud of yourself. Please keep up the good job.

Be safe

[jojo65]

Please talk to your doctor .let them know what's going on.please don't give up.have faith.hugs

[CalmingOcean]

Thank you guys. I meet with my T on Thursday. Just holding on till then. She says we will work on a new plan since this one isn't working... Not too sure what the current plan was...

I suck at therapy.