I am so disgusted with myself....(warning: sexual content)

My session with T last week was productive. I talked about the things that were bothering me about destructive things in my past (of a sexual nature)...trying to understand how those things could've happened to me....

He explained how I was an easy target - a rebel with a troubled home life, wanting attention any way I could get it, pushing limits, etc.

I'm still having trouble with it all....and I'm sure it will take quite a bit of work to retrain my thinking and work through all the feelings that I have....It makes me sometimes dread that my T sessions are so short because there's so much left unsaid....there's just too much to deal with.

Anyway, one question I asked was how to make it stop happening to me....He mentioned that working through it will help that, now that I'm an adult...and that just because I left an unhealthy relationship doesn't mean I don't have unhealthy instincts. I was disappointed, saying that as an adult I should know better. He asked how I could possibly know better when it wasn't taught to me, modeled to me and I've never lived it....

Sooo.....

Yesterday, I was in a situation with a guy that's been hitting on me in a very direct way. He's a close friend of the family, but a wild character. Not my type at all.

Yet, we ended up alone at my sisters house for several hours. I do not like to be touched....but I do yearn to be held, kissed, shown affection. One thing led to another, and well, things happened....just as they would've happened when I was a teenager (kissing, leading to him having a "ahem, situation"...and me "taking care of it orally")...The unhealthy instincts surfaced....

As gross as it sounds, in the midst of it all, I thought of T - and the things we talked about - and became extremely disgusted with myself for being in the situation I was in.

Afterwards, I felt so awkward....it was awkward. We sat on separate sides of the couch....watched TV...had something to eat. He then left, giving me a kiss on the cheek. Ugh.

And on top of that, I felt so awful - like I had just cheated on my husband.....yet I've been separated from my husband for 9 months, divorced for almost 3.....It was the first sexual encounter I had since we split up....and I am so disgusted with myself.

First - very safe and tender hugs to you!!
Second - some of us here on PC ( me raising hand ) have been in a similar situation with very similar thoughts. At a point when I was just getting in touch with my own sx related issues that were a DIRECT result of CSA, I found myself in a hotel with two men. UGGG! I was in Therapy at the time and had spent a lot of energy trying to teach myself what healthy physical relationships were about. The shame and guilt I held over what happened that day led me to lying about the event to T and almost messing up alot of self work I had done. So my advice is based on my own experience.

Finally, Do as your T says - do NOT beat yourself up over the event. You are in the process of finding a new you. You will sometimes fall back into old patterns of behavior as you are healing. Part of the reason for this is because you may be doing what my old T called "trying them on one last time" :-) When he told me this after I finally came clean on the details of the event, I was so relieved! He said this was natural for people with addictive personalities like mine to do. So I "tried it on" and was not happy at all with how it "felt" or "looked" on me! After I processed through the YUCK UGGGG emotion of that day, I felt very relieved and happy. I saw I was clearly NOT the person I was when those behaviors were a "norm" for me. And you know what? I was glad it happened. Glad because it solidified for me who I had become as a woman. And I LIKED the new me! A whole lot :-)

I think the first step to changing a pattern is being aware that the pattern is there in the first place. Think of it not as something shameful, but as the first indicator that you know you want something different.

Your post here is amazing: you are reflecting on what happened and why. You can see that you needed physical comfort, and resorted to the old, previously useful pattern of getting it. It wasn't satisfying to you, because now you can see there are more facets to the issue. Next time you want comfort, maybe you will think of T again and have a plan in place for choosing something different.

You are taking giant steps on an important journey!

sending safe hugs your way.
Please dont be disgusted with your self.Keep in mind what your T said "how I could possibly know better when it wasn't taught to me, modeled to me and I've never lived it...."
Your making some important steps looking into things with your T

MUE, you can work through this with T. No one changes patterns on a dime. The best way to work through them is when they are happening. You can process this and figure out what you were thinking and what other options that you had. I have worked through many things like this. 1) noticed a problem, 2) I fell into problem again, 3) I processed the problem and came up with different options and/or understood myself better with the pattern, 4) problem presented itself again, 5) I went through the problem again but I did a better job with it because I made a few different choices. And so on.........Eventually, I worked through the issue and it was never a problem again. This is actually an opportunity for you to work through this issue.........

((((mue)))) You are questioning .. and that is a good thing that therapy provides for us: not only the safety to explore IN therapy but outside of therapy too. T will help you with this.

I can't say a lot here because this triggered something in me (not a problem just something I need to sit back and feel) But, NUE you did nothing wrong. And when you have learned new ways of being, and healthy ways to get what you need, you will make different choices. Actually, you will then be able to really choose for the first time. (I hope I am listening to myself right now)
Stay safe

(((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

Wow, these are such great, compassionate, wise responses. I don't have anything to add but some of these:

Thanks, everyone....

It's hard to kick this feeling of disgust. I've been in tears a lot today over it all. I just feel so awful...especially when T and I JUST talked about this two days prior.

And New Years was the one year anniversary from that yucky incident with my husband and a neighbor. I'm just dealing with some really awful feelings right now.

Amazing enough, I am also missing my husband (well, now ex) terribly. Even though it was an unhealthy relationship and even most recently, he said some awful, awful things to me (like telling me to die in hell - but he apologized and said he didn't meant it - typical abusive pattern)...he was as close to comfortable as I've ever been in a relationship....I hate feeling this way.

I will talk through this with T....Thursday seems so far away. If I can muster up the courage to bring it up in group on Tuesday, perhaps I'll do that. I don't know.

(((((((mixed))))))please don't be so hard on yourself mixed. i have found that if i am in the beginning of dealing with a difficult issue/behavior then sometimes that triggers the dang thing to happen. i remember hearing in a 12-step program a saying that we have to test out our behaviors one more time just to see if they are something we really want to leave behind. well, for some of us we test them out numerous times before really giving them up. :P

you know, i always remember how when you first starting posting you said you just knew you weren't going to leave your husband. well, you did it! you did something you didn't think you could and that takes great strength. so, i am betting you will do it again. i also want to add that i don't think i was very supportive of you when you first came and were talking about divorce and i do apologize for that.

Shame, guilt, embarrassment, are not always a bad thing, they show us the limits of our behaviour. You now know what your limits are, what will hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself. Use it as a guide and not something to beat yourself up about.

You are one of the lucky ones, some people have no shame, guilt, etc. Honestly, think of it as a blessing in disguise...you can move on now to a better life.

Thanks, Bloom....

I guess it's hard to imagine being able to change such instinctive behaviors. Like teaching an old dog new tricks.

Aww, don't feel badly if you were not supportive of me when I first joined PC and was talking about divorce. Everyone feels a certain way for a reason...and you must have had your reasons!

Wow, Persie, that's very insightful. As awful as it feels, these feelings may indeed help me onto a healthier path. Before meeting my husband, these behaviors were exciting, fun, and made me feel cared for. Although I felt a twinge of those feelings during the situation, I was left feeling all these awful emotions that I never felt when I was younger. That does give me some hope that I can change this. It doesn't seem like it will be an easy task. But it's one that I will have to tackle because I don't want to feel this way, that's for sure.

MEU, you don't have to answer this but... If this occured a year ago, how might have your actions been different? Like, immediately afterwards you kind of indicated an awkwardness that caused you and the guy to sit separately on the couch and that he ultimately gave you a peak on the cheek and left. What would have happened a year ago, when you didn't become conscious of your actions and weren't thinking to yourself..."Hey, this isn't what I'm looking for. I want more than this? Might you have ended up doing more stuff you might later regret, endangering other or yourself, getting tangled up with this guy to the point that he become a regular at your door step? Just something to consider. Maybe you did slip into the old pattern a bit, but being conscious of it DID likely make a difference.

One positive I saw in your post was, while you were in the midst of the situation you realized what you were doing and how it was making you feel. IDK... This seems like movement in the right direction to me. The guilt shame and disgust that your feeling now I know sucks. I think many here have been here before too. Where you've been working so hard to be conscious of and avoid old patterns but find yourself doing them yet again.

In my own journey it seems like first I did things and did realize what I did until days later when the situation turned really ugly. Then the delay got shorter and shorter until I was then realizing what I was doing while I was doing it. For me with SOME old patterns I've gotten to the point where I can recognize what is happening and then successfully and actively change course get have a slightly different outcome. That to me is what learning is all about, getting to a point where not only you are conscious of what you're doing but you can change the behavior. Any educator will tell ya UNLEARNING is sooooo much harder that learning. Its not easy, it is not at all a linear progression, and often you might do very well in avoid some situations and make not progress at all in others.

The hardest part about making changes for me is not what others think of me, it what I end up feelig and thinking of myself.

Mew I hope you can give yourself some grace and forgiveness.

Thank you.....

A year ago, I was married to my husband - and I never could imagine being with someone else. Even though it was an unhealthy marriage, I was glad to be married and to not have to deal with what comes with developing a relationship. I have many, many barriers when it comes to touch, and it's hard to imagine them going away - which leads me in awful directions when it comes to intimacy with a man, as a form of self-protection. Ugh.

It is true though that before I was married, I felt very different being in this kind of situation. It's like night and day.

The thing that scares me, I think, is that I don't know how to attract a healthy person....My life has been nothing but dysfunction. I don't know any other way....

My T said something to me last week about my ex, saying that the average person couldn't conceive of all of what he's done. I was a bit surprised that he was so emphatic about that, because to me, his behavior wasn't that odd, and is my normal. I don't know anything different...

I would definately say that the shame you feel doesn't belong to you at all. These are likely very old feelings that surface in situations like these. You are alive, survived it all and must indeed be very very strong.

Nonetheless, I am very sorry that you feel this way and completely understand. For me, it's hard to know exactly what *I* want in sexual situations. It's only afterwards that I realize that "hey I didn't want that at all". The sense of obligation, and "well, what else were we going to do" can be overwhelming. Our abusers gave this to us. It's not something we would have chosen for ourselves.

However, as we grow into ourselves and work to unlearn what we are taught, we can master discovering what *we* want. We can freely give or withhold consent and have that consent honored *without* consequence to the relationship. What we want, or do not want matters. It will matter infinitely to people that care about us.

This is such a process though, and the path is not a smooth one. We are changing who we are and how we relate to those around us.

It's okay. It's really really okay.

Wow what a great reflection. Your marriage was not healthy but did provide you with some external limits that you needed or wanted. Maybe now you can decide that you're going to set some of those limits only this time internally so their in place no matter who your with.

Again I can't help seeing some similarities in my own journey. A month or so ago I told my T that I felt like someone who had boxed herself in with barriers to prevent myself from messing up, embarrassing myself, hurting others, and letting the wild "evil" part of me run amuck. I had created a safe little world where I was protected from myself and everyone was protected from me. I then said now that I've realized that the barriers I created are mine and that they can be moved back or totally taken down, I'm starting to encounter other problems. Mainly, deciding where to place the boundary after I decide to move it.

Like you I HAD major discomfort and issues with touch. I've recently did some very difficult work with my touch issues. At least with regard to safe, non-sexual touch the results have been,...well amazing, and a whole new world has opened up for me. The problem I'm having now is figuring out where my new personal touch boundries should be and to consider the impact this new world might have on my existing relationships. Also with regard to touch I'm now starting to encounter situations were I have now decide what does safe touch mean to me now. Is this touch situation OK or not OK? Before I just avoided touch all together and didn't have to make these more difficut choices.

I'm finding now that the hardest thing about opening myself up is NOT in having the guts to risk pushing on an existing barriers. Its realizing that its moveable and then having to figure out where I want it moved to.

MEU, so sorry that you're having to deal with the ****** end of this process. But I guess you can't figure out what you want without sometimes experiencing what you don't want.

At least you've taken steps to allow yourself the freedom to look for and explore healthier relationships. That's progress IMHO.

All very good things to work on. I had to work on touch and I went slow. I would suggest that if you find yourself in a situation where it feels like it is getting out of hand, leave the situation. You can eventually work through all of this but it will take time. For myself, in any of the relationship problems that I worked through I had to be 1) exposed to it, 2) gather info (what am I thinking, fearing, feeling, triggering), 3) process this info away from the situation in therapy, etc., 4) come up with new insights, options, plans, etc., and then 5) try it again. But you have to bail out of the situation if it is getting out of your control or comfort zone.

Being around healthy people is a very good goal. I had to work through this. I would think that the first step would be to bail out of any unhealthy situations and keep looking for those healthy ones. Something that I learned on my journey was that we shy away from healthy relationships because healthy people can see you and they look at you and when you have only known dysfunction these eyes upon you make you squirm. We squirm because the dysfunctional people that we are so used to being around, they can't see us. They are too busy with themselves and their needs so we can hide right out in plain sight with our low self worth and no one sees us - just the way that helps us to feel "comfortable". This must be worked through though and it can be worked through.

I think we also gravitate to what is familiar, so we keep ending up in familiar experiences even though we don't want to. Feeling a bit unfamiliar can be a good clue that you aren't travelling down a road you don't want to be on. Good thing is, we can turn back at any point when we recognize where we are or where we are headed.

Sannah, thanks for your 5 steps. They are very clear and concise and helpful.

((((((MUE)))) sorry I am late to your thread.

You know, as a young person I had my most bizarre sexual encounters while in therapy. As a matter of fact, almost all of the bizarre and inappropriate things I used to do were while in therapy. It is a path, it is a process of learning what we want and what works and what doesnt work and what does and doesnt feel good.

You are newly single, this is a big deal. What will feel good and safe to you as a single person now may not be the same things that worked beofre MUE was married.

I see this encounter as a positive actually. I see you putting your toes ini the water again! Go you! OK, maybe it wasnt the best place in the pond to dip your toes in, but I see it more as an experiment in who MUE is now. Does she want casual sex with a friend of the family? What about another relationship? What about an actual date?

So...my take on it is...there is really nothing to beat yourself up about. At all. Your testing the waters. You arent comfortable being the old MUE with sex, so then, what/who is the new MUE? How exciting to be in that place!

Thanks..... I have a lot to think about. This whole experience, as unpleasant as it was, is giving me the opportunity to learn more about myself. I still feel awful about it, but it seems that it is part of the process of me learning about myself.

Thanks for sharing...Indeed, this feels awful. I am just afraid because I don't know what a healthy relationship is.

Can you share more about how you worked on your issues with touch? Was this done in therapy? If so, what does that kind of work entail? It scares me to death to even think about addressing that issues.

Very good insight....I'll have to consider that...

Can you share more about how you dealt with your issues with touch?

Gravitating to what is familiar is exactly why I missed my husband so much after this whole ordeal. I wanted the security of familiarity, even though I had so many barriers in place with him as well. Even with those limitations, I was still much more comfortable with him...as screwed up and dysfunctional as that sounds.

Thanks....

I did learn from this experience. Although I am unsure of how I attract unhealthy relationships, but I am having a better understanding of why I tend to lean towards giving orally. It protects me from the discomfort with my touch issues. My touch issues stem from years of physical abuse as well as sexual abuse...and being self-conscious of undesireable physical attributes. Giving orally also provides me with a feeling of control over the situation - and gives me the satisfaction of pleasing someone.

I have no idea how that's going to change for me. It's not about finding the right person. It has to be about dealing with these awful insecurities...and I just don't know how that can happen. If unhealthy is all I know, and I am too fearful to be free in a sexual situation, where is the hope?