just need some support until i see austin-t

see him on thurs morning - it's tues midnight right now, so only ~36hrs to go. i don't even really want to see ausiin-t (i want pdoc ) but austin-t is who i'm booked with and i am taking anything i can get right now.

update since fri/sat night:
- more creepy stuff at night time, but duh, this was to be expected. no big deal.
- got my degree posted in the mail today; yay but the certificate is hella ugly.
- new bed won't arrive for a week at least, so i'm stuck at home until then.
- got keys to place today; the rooms are sooooo size discrepant and i got depressed because i didn't want the smaller one, so i offered to pay more for the larger. we flipped a coin in the end, and i still 'won' the larger one, and i said i'd still pay more, but i still feel bad for getting the better one. i'm really sad right now and i'm feeling guilty; like i somehow tricked my friend - she was so nice and maybe she felt pressured when i offered to pay extra. i don't know what to do with this guilt. i feel like i've already set up a bad dynamic for the rest of the year, and i don't want to lose a friend over this. my parents say offer to pay more (my room *is* a lot larger, and this is probably fair) but my friend was uncomfortable with us not splitting evenly to begin with, and i'm scared to push the issue.
- i'm tired and stressed from everything lately, and i'm beginning to not cope very well. got home and spent a long time self harming. i need to go to bed now but i have to wake up and 'do' tomorrow too. everything feels like an effort right now, and i'm fighting hard to keep this together, but i'm not sure i can do it. i wish i could just pay my friend out and stay at home. i dont want to do this anymore.
- which brings me back to: i really just want pdoc right now. i dont even want him to say anything, just let me sit in his room and feel ok for a little while.

deli, can you go to the apartment and curl up in a bunch of blankets until the bed arrives? I know it won't be comfortable, but it would be a solution to the scary stuff happening at home.

I understand the guilt about the room. Someone had to get it, though! This is a stressful time. I understand why self-harming is appealing. I know it's scary to continue with this, but you CAN do it. Try to get out of your house as soon as you can; everything will feel a bit better then.

You are doing great! And congrats on getting the actual degree

(((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))

IF you don't want to move until the bed comes, that is one thing...but if you are really ready to go, could you toss down an air mattress? Even a sleeping bag? It would solve the "creepy stuff at night time" issue. Which, expected or not, sucks

Can you call pdoc and schedule something with him? It seems like being with your safe person would be huge right now. You can see Austin-T too. But gosh, if what you NEED is to go and sit and be safe with pdoc, I hope you will give that to yourself. It's not like you need a trip to the moon, or an extravagant piece of jewelry, or to be the star of a movie...you need to call your safe person and go and sit with him a bit. That's not too much to ask...not even close. Could you give that to yourself?

And finally...are you back on the meds yet? I just wonder if that would help you through this HUGE transition. I know that sometimes when I am in the middle of something BIG like you are, I am so unforgving of myself and so impatient...and when I look back years later, I can't believe I treated myself like that. Sometimes our expectations for ourselves are SO high. Be gentle with deli

Mainly, I hope you get some relief soon, dear one.

Deli....... Treehouse said everything I wanted to tell you.

((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))) Sounds like you have a LOT of change right now happening. A lot of GOOD change that still brings up the fears and worry, doubt, insecurities. I would say talk it out with your friend - have a heart to heart. It is important, and like you said, you don't want to lose a friend.
I just moved too - and I TOTALLY was at the "omg this is all (fill in the blank) I think this is a mistake and I should just stay at home (in the bad, toxic, abusive situation, just like you have been in).
I stuck with it and you can do so too. It means dealing with a lot of emotions all at once. It means finding someone to be your 3am call "crisis" person AND CALLING them. It means reaching out just like you are doing! It means moving forward one shakey step at a time. And you ARE doing it!
Keep breathing - you are doing things in the best way you can. I am proud of you.
Hugs, Kiya

deli, you're doing great! I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are. Moving is a huge stressor, any move is, and this is a HUGE move for you, emotionally. I think all the thoughts and feelings you're having are so understandable I just want to hug you and say of course you feel that way!
I'm sorry you SI'ed but, again, I understand it.
Tree was so right on with what she said about seeing p-doc that I don't have anything to add there, I hope that's an option for you, if what you need is to be w/pdoc for a while I really really hope you can do that.

also, about the room, try not to feel guilty! You guys flipped a coin, right? So that was chance, not you. Just take the room, be glad you got the one you wanted, and if your friend won't let you pay extra but you REALLY feel like you should do something to level things off, then maybe you could so something else for her? Like cook some meals or buy her something she likes for her room, or her favorite food, something that will make you feel like you evened things out a bit?

Deli,

you don't need a bed like treehouse said. Couch, Chair, Pillow, blanket......can do the trick. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have done that. It's par for the course for moving to spread over a few days.

Get away from the creepiness. SI? Sounds like a lot of stress being at home, and moving away is an incredibly stressful thing. Can you go over and hang at your new place even if you literally sleep somewhere else? And aren't there other places you could stay over night a time or two--friends?

Austin-T always seems to make you feel much better. I'm sure he will again.

Deli-

.

Please take care of yourself. I like everyone's ideas of staying at your place even if you don't have a bed yet. Does anyone you know have an air mattress you could borrow til the bed comes?

((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))) ugh, you are under so much stress right now. do you have a sleeping bag? yeah, just sleep on the floor in the new place. hang in there girl. it will get easier. let us know how it goes with austin-t.

thank you all so much for your replies - it helps so so so much.

the blanket/air bed/sleeping bag idea is a good one, but i just don't know how to do it without offending my parents, yknow? i am ordering the bed tomorrow, and they said 5 days to get delivered (just the mattress). so i was thinking of just the mattress, but it still means about an extra week left. the problem is that i haven't moved anything else (only got the keys last night, had other stuff to attend to today) so it doesnt make sense to sleep over their while im packing up here. i haven't even started packing yet.

i can do it if it just stays at this level, but something my sister said makes me really scared it might escalate. if it escalates i'll get out. i have a sleeping bag and a bunch of blankets i can use.

tree - thank you for making me lol about being a star of a movie (what a nightmare !!!). i see austin-t tomorrow, and then i'm back to work until late next week, so i can't really see pdoc even if i wanted to. i'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to open up a little bit with austin-t, who i know has been patiently waiting. if i had easy access to pdoc i would continue to avoid talking to austin-t about it, but i know he could help me heaps if i let him. it's just scary and yucky, and i dont know if i can cope with disclosure right now on top of everything else.

i'm not back on meds - pdoc said to try without them and i think it's a good idea. i'm not getting depressed just yet - it's more just stress and anxiety, and i keep telling myself that this will pass soon enough. i know if this drags out to a month i will need to go back on them because i will get depressed if i keep at it like this, but if it's only a week or two more then maybe i can do it. if i do start getting badly depressed i'll go back on them. but it's been so long that i've been med-free that it's nice to trade it like this.

everything really does just feel like too much at once. moving is stressful, uni is stressful, i'm upset about getting the bigger room and don't want to live there anymore, and emotionally - what all of this moving out stuff means - that's all whirling in there too. i wish i had someone to talk about it with, but that means being more vulnerable than i can bear. even with pdoc - i can't do it.

maybe if i try to move all my 'stuff' on the weekend then i've got a good excuse to sleep over; can say i have to go there directly after work and i'm too tired to travel home after packing or something.

just - again - thank you so much, everyone, for being so supportive with this. you guys are the only reason i'm still floating right now.

How about......you are soooooooooooooooooooooo excited about your new place....you want to stay over there asap!
This is normal for someone about to move out on their own for the first time!
Not only is it stressful and overwhelming, but it is exciting! Would your parent understand this part of it?

Deli.....about the bigger room, I completely understand how you are feeling. Coin flip or not, I would totally feel guilty too. I don't know why, it's kind of hard to explain.
Maybe you would feel better if you offered to switch rooms? You could be honest about how you're feeling. And then, if she still wants to keep things the way they are with you in the bigger room, at least you know you made every effort and it would help ease the guilt.
I really don't think you should pay more rent even if you have the bigger room. You both agreed to split the rent to begin with, knowing that one room was bigger, right? So IMO you should keep it even.
Either way, big room or not - it is still YOUR OWN FIRST APARTMENT!!!
How great is that?

thank you, darkrunner . i dont think my parents would understand the excitement thing. they dont get why i'm moving out and they just keep telling me how stressed i'll be and how much i'm going to fail. but i think if i think on it a bit i'll be able to come up with something that will fly by ok. i'll put my mind to it when i'm not so tired.

i did tell my friend that if i got the small room it'd be ok so long as i could put my study table in the lounge/dining area. she said i could just study on the dining table, but i wasn't keen on that (i keep my notes in piles; don't want to keep moving them whenever we eat), and she also said that i'd have to put up with her watching loud tv. so i'm not really keen on the small room myself - certainly not under conditions where i can't study in peace. she finishes her degree this year, but it's mainly coursework for her - she doesn't do research so doesn't get that i easily take up a filing cabinet worth of papers to reference & need to keep things organised. she studies on her bed.

i was excited last week but this week i just feel dread. i know i should be excited but i can't drum anything up. i'm trying not to think about it because i'm just getting down and i know it'll eventually turn into a depression.

i know that culturally some people think it's a rite of passage to move out, be independent etc, but it's not the cultural milieu i was brought up in. if i had a different family dynamic i'd be living here a lot longer, and not really caring about moving out. the only reason this is happening is because of some of the stuff that happens, and quite frankly it feels like i'm swapping one poor set of circumstances for another. better the devil you know, and all that.

i dont want to keep doing this. austin-t always says life is difficult but i dont want it to be this difficult. if it's like this forever then what's the point of trying? i really, really wish i could take the past month back and never have started this whole stupid thing.

Awwww, deli, it won't be like this forever.

Can you look at it as "I'm trying this for right now". Would that make it any more bearable?

I remember when I decided to pull my oldest son out of school to homeschool him, it was a totally torturous experience. I really didn't know the right thing to do...there were really valid reasons that I didn't want him to be in the school, but there were things I was scared of about homeschooling. Sometimes I was excited and sometimes I was sure I was making a huge mistake. When I told myself "this is something I'm going to try for right now", it made everything much more bearable. And now he's in 7th grade and we're still homeschooling, so it did turn out to be the right decision, even though it was SO hard at the time.

This is what you are doing right now. It doesn't have to be forever. There is almost always a way to change things, truly.

Be gentle with you. This is hard stuff.

OMG Deli - your life is my life right now. Swapping out one hell for the other. The only difference is that the parent (and abuse) isn't here. T says "You own your own life now"... I am trying to hold on to that. It is hard to be so depressed about this when everyone says "it's so wonderful, oh you must be so happy, this is terriffic!" I wish I could feel any of that. I guess that is what T is trying to tell me - I OWN this. I am no longer owned. I still feel owned - by the circumstances. But t tells me that is victim thinking. I don't want to be a victim. That is i guess the only thing pushing me forward (if lying in bed with my puter at 11am can be considered 'forward'). I really am depressed about this and keep thinking I've made a mistake... that home "wasn't really THAT bad"... but that is the warning sign for ppl in domestic violence and abuse situations.
Don't listen to the parents Deli - they are going to tell you what is in their best interest, not yours. Mom is giving me all the same grief.
one step at a time - we'll do this together.

Deli, I'm sorry I didn't post in your thread sooner. I understand your stress about the move. It's a major change and you don't know if it's going to work or not. I feel that way about changing Ts! It's so stessful, and I don't know what will happen.

A teacher once told me that all beginnings are hard. You're beginning a new life, so to speak, and it's going to be hard. But my mother used to say "nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Tell all of your feelings to austin-t. I'm sure he'll give you the support you need. Breathe....You're going to be all right.

i saw austin-t today. we talked a lot, but nothing really to do with the big stuff that is eating at me. we did talk about coping and my SI though. that was kind of ick - he wanted details - and we argued a bit about whether it is ok or not. we did talk about ways to cope and stuff though. i know it's a good session to have, just bad timing when i had more urgent stuff to talk about. i really know he tries his best with me though.

the stuff at home aint going great. i really feel like ***** being here. i finally caved and sent pdoc a txt asking if i could see him, but it means i'll have to take time off work. i hope he responds soon so i can call my boss and let her know. i know pdoc cant make anything better, but i really just want to sit with someone now and he's a good person to sit with. i feel slack for using his time up like that though.

im not really keeping it together. i'm fine when im with other ppl but i cant do this anymore. im panicking and im no good when im like this, because all the good advice i get just falls to the side. im falling apart. i cant do this.

You ARE doing it. You've seen Austin, you're setting up a meet with pdoc and you're posting here. That's 3 healthy ways of reaching out to others. I urge you to spend time at the new place. It's yours and it’s there for you. It doesn't have to mean you're making a statement about your parents. There are things you can do there to arrange it and move bits and pieces in. Treat it like it's home already. It is. Stay over a time or two or from now on even without your bed. If you make it seem like you're already there, but not completely, it lessens the importance of their being one singular moment when you leave home. Do it in piece. It'll be good for your mental health, make it maybe more palatable to your parents, and is a statement of your independence but in indirect form.

((((((Deli)))))

You can do this and are doing this. You reached out to Pdoc and asked for help. That takes so much strength. You know that you need help right now and you are asking for it. Has pdoc (or austin-T) ever been mad at you for asking for help? That is what they are there for. They care about you and want to help you. But they can't help you if you don't reach out and let them know you need it. I know it can be hard to talk about SI stuff especially when it seems like there is more important stuff to talk about. Like what is behind the SI in the first place. I'm glad you contacted Pdoc. Maybe you can talk with him about some of the stuff you didn't get a chance to talk with T about? Please take care of yourself.

pdoc hasnt replied. i was really hoping for a session tomorrow, but it's ok. im just getting scared about the weekend.

im panicking and not thinking straight.

one thing that was weird today was austin-t said he thought i had body dysmorphic disorder. i can understand where he's coming from but i didnt think it was clinically significant. sometimes i wonder if he gets us confused a bit. he told me a lot about himself today.

ok it's 5pm and i'm not really ok at all. i am meant to go shopping with my friend for kitchen stuff now and i don't want to do it. i want to hide away in my bed forever, or self harm some more, but that feels stupid after my conversation with austin-t today. i really just want someone to be with right now who will let me take some time out. i cant do this, it's getting too much.

((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))

it's going to be okay deli. i know it doesn't feel like it at all right now but you can do this. remember how you thought your parents would basically disown you for even telling them you were moving out? well, they haven't. of course they don't like the idea but they will adjust to it. i know you're scared but it isn't going to be like what your fear is telling you right now. maybe you can feel the fear and do it anyway. i like imp's suggestion of making the place your own a little at a time. you could just go over there to clean or something or take a few things and get away from family for a bit, even spend the night to get used to it. why don't you put in a call to pdoc? texting doesn't seem like it's always the best way to get in touch.

Deli, why don't you just go to the new place and hang out? Stay there. Don't torture yourself. You don't need to stay at your parents now. Go do something for fun like a movie or window-shopping.

thank you impy, thank you bloom.

it's midnight here and i only just got home from shopping. i'm exhausted but i'm too scared to sleep. i think i might tell my parents i'm sleeping over at the new place on the weekend - too tired to come back home etc. i really am, too, it took an hour to get back here.

bloom - my mother hasn't spoken to me since i told her, really. my sister wants to move into my room but dad said no, and apparently this is my fault so no one apart from dad is talking to me right now. dad has been amazing during the day time, but today he started letting that slip. of course he is a different person in the night but that's because he doesn't want to let me go. i am being shut off from my family, and the only person left is dad. i'm sad because he is the one who is doing stuff at night but he is also the only person i have left and the only person who really loved me anyway. so it's not really a case of me predicting the worst and it not happening, because this is a different kind of worst and it still aint great.

This is an excellent idea, deli!

Your mom will come around. It will take her some time. And, once you are gone, things at home will stabilize. You are not messing anything up. You are not responsible for keeping things there on an even keel, even if it feels like you are.

Hi Deli,

I've been keeping up with your thread, but i haven't known what to say to encourage you. I know you're facing some big changes right now, and that's bound to cause anxiety. I'm so proud of some of the decisions you've made lately. Even though you are feeling stressed out now, i can see how you've really been growing. Hang in there!