[zooropa]

I have my regular session tomorrow morning. Every time I think about it, my stomach cramps up and I feel like I can't breathe. I really really want to cancel. I have never cancelled or missed a session, but...this feels really strong. I don't want to go. I am already so anxious about it and there's no way I will be able to sleep tonight if I keep feeling this way. I think the only thing I can do is call my T and cancel, that way it's not hanging over my head.

I've tried to tell myself to just not worry about it and I can cancel in the morning if I want to, but I need to cancel now so I can not be so scared.

I guess I'm just hoping someone here will have some amazing insight that will help me out here. But just hugs are fine too

[sunrise]

I don't have amazing insight, but I do have some hugs

One of the things that has helped me go to therapy in the past is that if I cancel with less than 24 hours notice, I have to pay the full fee. I hate to throw money away, so there has been more than one occasion when I went to therapy just to not waste my money. Every time this happened, I was really glad I went! Maybe you would feel that way too, if you went tomorrow zooropa. On those occasions, I always ended up feeling better when I left T's office than when I went in. When I am the most in need in help is often when I feel least like going to therapy. But when I am most in the need for help, T seems to "perform" (do his job) really well. That's what he is there for, after all.

[zooropa]

I've never missed T before so I know she would let it slide at least once without charging me.

I have definitely felt like cancelling sessions before, but always end up pushing myself to go. This feels different. I am afraid to go. There's not that part of me that also looks forward to T time, it's not there, it's just fear. UGH.

thanks, sunrise, for the hugs

[jexa]

Agree with sunrise.

You can do it zoo. Hm. I wonder if you can plan for tomorrow to be a break from trauma work to talk about coping with anxiety? I know how hard it's been. All of tree's experiences have always reminded me that it's okay to go at your own pace. Use therapy to fill your own needs. If you need tomorrow to be a little easier than usual, I think that is understandable. You can tell T that you were thinking of cancelling, but you decided to come and talk about something other than trauma work for today.

I don't know. I'm not great with advice right now. Hope that helps.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I've never missed T before so I know she would let it slide at least once without charging me.

I have definitely felt like cancelling sessions before, but always end up pushing myself to go. This feels different. I am afraid to go. There's not that part of me that also looks forward to T time, it's not there, it's just fear. UGH.

thanks, sunrise, for the hugs

Zoo, this seems to me like it's a very important time for you to see T and express these very feelings....as it may help you and T discover something of importance, and perhaps make some changes that will help you through.

There have been MANY times that I've wanted to cancel therapy, and most times it's because I'm avoiding something big...I usually end up going, because I don't want that big thing - whatever it is - to linger on until the next session. And if I'm fearful of delving into something that I don't feel I'm ready to handle, then I express that to T...and although at times I feel disappointed in myself, it helps me with developing boundaries - so it's all good.

Can you try expressing what is scaring you so much right now?

[zooropa]

it does help, Jexa, thank you. If I think about going but not doing trauma work, I feel like I can breathe. It's hard for me to take the reins in therapy, I always (or almost always) end up deferring to T. I think this time I need to steer the ship.

I'm tempted to call her tonight & tell her what's going on because if she says ok, we don't have to do trauma work, I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. If she doesn't say ok, then I can cancel, lol.

Can you try expressing what is scaring you so much right now?

we cross-posted, MUE, thank you for your reply too.

What I'm so afraid of is talking about what we started talking about last week. That last session was hard enough, but now I've had a week of nightmares, flashbacks and obsessive thoughts about it. I've had a week of not sleeping much and being afraid and not going out and basically it has just worn me down. I don't feel like I can go in there tomorrow and talk about it in MORE detail and dig it up even MORE without it just pushing me over the edge completely. I realize that the only way out is through, that I can't stop here and put the lid back on it all, but I do think that taking time to catch my breath isn't the worst idea in the world. I think. Or maybe I'm just avoiding.

[WePow]

(((((((((((((((( Zoo ))))))))))))) Pretend it is Monday night and you decided to not go. How do you feel? You can't see T again until the next time. Is that too many days to wait to see her again?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

it does help, Jexa, thank you. If I think about going but not doing trauma work, I feel like I can breathe. It's hard for me to take the reins in therapy, I always (or almost always) end up deferring to T. I think this time I need to steer the ship.

I'm tempted to call her tonight & tell her what's going on because if she says ok, we don't have to do trauma work, I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. If she doesn't say ok, then I can cancel, lol.

zoo, you have every right and it is within your power to steer the ship. It is not up to T whether or not you do trauma work tomorrow. My T has used these exact words, "Only you know what you can handle"....

[mobius]

No more words of wisdom, just hugs.

[googley]

((((Zoo))))

I know it is hard when you want to cancel. But I think you should go in and talk to your T about how scared you are about coming. I think that would help. I think that if you skip this T session, you may want to skip the next one for the same reason. Would it feel better if you called your T and left a message telling her how you are scared about coming in and you don't want to do trauma work tomorrow. That instead you need a session to stabilize? Would that help? Or call her to check in briefly about how scary this is?

[zooropa]

I realize that when we took an "official" break from trauma work it was difficult for me and I felt like I was being stifled, not being "allowed" to talk about it. And now I feel kind of pushed too hard and I wish we could take a break.

so, maybe my issue is more with not being (or feeling) in control of my therapy? Maybe I really need to assert myself and my needs in the moment, rather than letting T take the lead. Because, you're right MUE, only I know what I can handle. I know my T has a time frame in her head about how long this is supposed to take, and that has never sat well with me.

Maybe this is all me just not liking her time frame and her being in control all the time.

Obviously I need to go there and talk to her about it. I will just keep telling myself that I AM in charge and it's not like she can (or would) force me to talk about anything.

[ECHOES]

I'm glad you have decided to go. I think it's best, if at all possible, to go to your session and right away talk about how you really wanted to cancel. It can be a really good session and would give you relief instead of prolonging the feelings you have now. Let T help with this.

[jexa]

zoo, in a way, I think taking the reins in therapy IS an exposure - maybe not as intense as trauma exposures, but it's an exposure to fear nonetheless, and therefore T should be proud of you for doing it if that's what you choose to do. In fact, it's extremely important and valuable work for you to go in there and do what you need to take control of the situation. It's like regulating emotions, right? Instead of feeling out of control of the feeling, you do something constructive about it and decide you are in control of your behavior?

[seventyeight]

hi zoo,

what if you call and say, "hi, i'm actually calling to cancel. this is really hard and i'm scared and i don't want to come tomorrow. i just thought you should know. i'll be there because i've never not been there for session, but if i could have it my way, this would be my call to cancel."

that way a) you got to say everything that you wanted to say but b) you're still going and c) she knows what to expect when you get there. i think that when she opens the door to let you in, she'll have a really good impression of where you're coming from, and will know to be extra gentle with how you're feeling. just an idea. otherwise..

many hugs to you!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by jexa

zoo, in a way, I think taking the reins in therapy IS an exposure - maybe not as intense as trauma exposures, but it's an exposure to fear nonetheless, and therefore T should be proud of you for doing it if that's what you choose to do. In fact, it's extremely important and valuable work for you to go in there and do what you need to take control of the situation. It's like regulating emotions, right? Instead of feeling out of control of the feeling, you do something constructive about it and decide you are in control of your behavior?

wow, Jexa, that made me smile, thank you! Way to help me reframe what's going on. Because you're right, of course. I can use the skills T has taught me to deal with the emotion of being afraid of my session tomorrow, the same way I use them to deal with the emotions we dug up during that last session.

It's just so natural for me to go "omg, I'm feeling ____, what am I gonna dooo??" and panic. And then act without thinking it through or taking time to breathe or get a reality check from someone.

You guys are the greatest sounding board EVER. I feel ok and not like I have to hide in my bed every time I think about T tomorrow. I feel supported and validated. I'm pretty sure this was the most therapeutic half hour that I've had in quite a while.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

hi zoo,

what if you call and say, "hi, i'm actually calling to cancel. this is really hard and i'm scared and i don't want to come tomorrow. i just thought you should know. i'll be there because i've never not been there for session, but if i could have it my way, this would be my call to cancel."

that way a) you got to say everything that you wanted to say but b) you're still going and c) she knows what to expect when you get there. i think that when she opens the door to let you in, she'll have a really good impression of where you're coming from, and will know to be extra gentle with how you're feeling. just an idea. otherwise..

many hugs to you!

78, thank you, that actually helped me a LOT because I get hung up on not knowing what to say, what exact words to use, when I'm talking to T, especially on the phone. Can I hire you to script out all my phone calls??

It's a great idea for me to call and let her know what's going on, like you said, so she'll be prepared when she opens the door tomorrow. thanks

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( ZOO )))))))

I'm SO GLAD you're feeling more empowered. I know sometimes it's so hard when that panic strikes and the awful feelings strike....but you're using the tools that you have to deal with this.

As an aside, I know that when I was having really awful, awful nightmares, I would share them with T and we would work on interpreting them. And then, when we were able to really figure out a meaning that fit, the nightmares lost their power and started to dwindle away. And as awful as those nightmares were, they were merely symbols of something entirely different. Strange how our minds and bodies work at times. I hate them, though, especially when they feel embarrassing to talk about.

[zooropa]

that reminds me, MUE, that I should write down some of my nightmares from this week. T often asks me about them but I can't remember details when I'm sitting there in her office. I keep thinking I need to get better about writing down the nightmares when I first wake up, but so often I don't because I don't want to think about it anymore, I just want it to go away.

[WePow]

(((((( Zoo ))))))) Hope you do get to enjoy some rest tonight. You deserve it with all the hard work you are doing.

Originally Posted by zooropa

so, maybe my issue is more with not being (or feeling) in control of my therapy? Maybe I really need to assert myself and my needs in the moment, rather than letting T take the lead.

Wow. THIS is a great insight, zoo!

I had times during the trauma stuff when I would go and tell T that I just wanted to rest. And he would say ok, and I would curl up on the couch. Usually with a blanket Talk about not doing trauma work! lol

Usually, I'd still end up telling him part of the story. I think knowing that I COULD rest and being allowed to curl up and feel safe gave me the strength and faith to move forward a little bit more. Sometimes we would do a lot of work in my "rest" sessions, because I felt like I could.

But sometimes, I would really, truly just rest. Right in the middle of my trauma stuff I fell skateboarding in my basement (seriously) and had a concussion and I saw T the day after I was in the ER. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of it and tired...I couldn't drive, so my H drove me. T and I literally sat on the couch and watched silly videos on his laptop. I could have stayed home (maybe I *should* have) but I really needed to stay connected to T while we were working through the story. So, I just went to connect.

It's OKAY to go to do trauma work, it's OKAY to go and just connect, it's OKAY to do both, or anything in between. Just look at what's right in front of you while you're there tomorrow, and do what you can handle.

Remember that T isn't inside your head, so she doesn't know if the trauma work is too much for you unless you tell her. Tell her if you need to, zoo. You can do it.

to you, my friend

[zooropa]

ok, so I just got a call from a blocked #, and all I could think was that it was T calling to cancel me for tomorrow. I was kind of which tells me that I really DON'T want to miss tomorrow's session, I'm just scared. It was a kind of good insight into my true feelings, because I was REALLY relieved when it wasn't T.

I didn't call her & leave her a message about how I'm feeling, because I had a deal with myself to not call her this weekend, but I will call her tomorrow before my session, assuming I'm still feeling this anxious about it.

[zooropa]

tree, thank you so much for that. I have this image in my mind of me curling up on Ts couch and kind of resting there. I have no idea how that would go over with her, but it feels good to picture it. I would like to just be with T and know we are ok and know that we can breathe together in the middle of all this, that it's ok to take a break or to look back at where we've been.

I push myself SO hard in therapy. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated and accuse my T of pushing me, but in reality most of the pushing comes from me. I haven't learned to be gentle with myself, or to love myself. I hope I CAN learn that, someday.

Originally Posted by zooropa

ok, so I just got a call from a blocked #, and all I could think was that it was T calling to cancel me for tomorrow. I was kind of which tells me that I really DON'T want to miss tomorrow's session, I'm just scared. It was a kind of good insight into my true feelings, because I was REALLY relieved when it wasn't T.
.

I wonder if this ties into your realization that you need to feel more in control of therapy? Because if YOU cancel, you are in control. YOU decided that there's no session! But if SHE cancels...not so much. Just a thought

And I hear you about pushing so hard in therapy. I did that too, and it was really hard for me to unlearn that. I think I always had this feeling that T might disappear, so I'd better get the story out, and quick.

Remember to let yourself breathe

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I wonder if this ties into your realization that you need to feel more in control of therapy? Because if YOU cancel, you are in control. YOU decided that there's no session! But if SHE cancels...not so much. Just a thought

And I hear you about pushing so hard in therapy. I did that too, and it was really hard for me to unlearn that. I think I always had this feeling that T might disappear, so I'd better get the story out, and quick.

Remember to let yourself breathe

oh, absolutely, tree! If *I* cancel, well that's my choice. But if T cancels? Cue abandonment triggers like crazy

I've talked about this here before, but I will say it again since I can but I think part of the reason I feel pressure to hurry up and tell the story is that I really don't have T for an indefinite amount of time. I mean, I have gotten the message from her all along that I have done the basic DBT stuff and now we have 12 weeks to do trauma processing. Granted, we have gone far beyond that 12 weeks now, but I still think she is just trying to get me out the door as quickly as possible. I have told her more than once that I cannot process a lifetime of trauma in 12 weeks, and she finally quit saying that, but that doesn't mean she's quit thinking it. I know I haven't.

So it's a combination of my fears of losing T and the reality that I WILL lose T. That knowledge has colored my therapy from the beginning and I can only imagine how different I would feel if I didn't have that cloud over my head.

Oh Zoo, I hope you don't cancel. You are doing great work, I hope you overcome your anxiety and go.