why does it feel like T's not there?

I'm wondering if anyone else goes through this. It seems like after I go for a few days or more without any contact with T, it just starts to feel like she's not there at all. It's like I lose any sense of connectedness with her.
Why is that, and more importantly, how can I fix it? I hate it.

i have to text my t every few days to keep from panicking over thinking she's not there. her suggestion. i guess i just don't trust people are sticking around if i don't have contact with them every day or so.

I texted my T yesterday morning to tell her about the A+ I got on my first paper, and got a response from her right away. So it hasn't even been that long since I had contact with her.

I KNOW she's out there and I could pick up my phone right now and call her, but it doesn't FEEL like she's out there. I can't explain. It just sucks.

Ugh, I'm going through it right NOW.

There are times when I feel SO secure in the connection, and, probably more importantly, secure in MYSELF, and in my connections outside of therapy. During those times, I don't wonder about T, don't worry whether or not he's there, etc. I just feel like everything is "okay".

There are times though, like now, when I feel like he has disappeared. It feels awful and scary and makes me feel obsessive. I think that for me, it's mostly when I'm not sure I'm OKAY, and I need the mirror of him to know that I AM here, and I AM okay. Without that mirror, I feel lost.

That's my theory right now, anyhow. It feels AWFUL, doesn't it?

Ugh. I'm sorry you're feeling it too.

I can only give you my experience with this as I dont know your circumstances from the past. But this is one of my things I do a lot, I seem to go into a cut of place where reality or my adult realm ceases to exist and very young feelings emerge, for me being abandoned at birth and then having an adoptive mother that virtually left me unattended for the first 15months of my life I experience those times in the present and when I begin to feel as if T isn't there, its a feeling flashback.

I often then have to email T and begin accusing her of not helping me, not being there, and she replies and says stuff like these are early feelings that I could not let myself feel as a baby but am feeling now and actually the protesting about her not being there is a good sign, it means I am allowing myself to feel those cut of feelings from those early days.

Its not easy and I've spent yrs doing this with T, whenever I am triggered I go back to that place of being alone, as if I am alone on a strange planet and whilst I am in that "state" its very hard for my adult self to distract and comfort that very young part of me.

So for me the feeling of T not being there is about a past event that was real, but isnt real now unyet I am compelled to act out with her working toward a resolution.

As I say it maybe something else for you.

It's needing "object constancy" -- The quote is from a BPD website, but I think that the issue applies fairly broadly.

Zooropa, it does feel awful. I can do the object constancy thing better now, but for years I couldn't do it at all. I used to carry one of my T's appointment cards with me all the time, and holding that allowed me to cope a little better. (I was afraid to ask my T for something physical of hers, but lots of T's give people something from their office to take home, and that helps also.)

Take care,
-Far

Zoo, there was an idea posted somewhere- a thread posted by Deli, I think, about writing down all those good, connected times with T to bring out when you need comforting. I have a box of letters from friends I do the same thing with. Sometimes, becuase of our past, its tough to keep those relationships in our mind. Pictures and objects can help too.

When we're apart from someone, they aren't there. All we have during separations (after death, termination, moving away, etc.) are our memories and thoughts of the other, conversations or activities we shared together.

My T did a lot of travelling, would often be gone to the other side of the world for 6-8 weeks a couple times each year. When we terminated, I gave her a small, expensive, sand "globe" art piece, predominately her favorite color (blue) to remind myself that she would look at it and think of me and I could think of her doing that and feel connected.

Think about your favorite times, conversations, tips or tools, jokes, etc. that T has shared with you. Remember specifically why you see that particular T, that particular person. I can still hear my T in my head telling me, "Oh, you're stubborn!" 40 years after she said it and it makes me smile. Remember and use some of the things your T has said to you, do a thoughtful, "Well, T said X so I'll try X" when you're confronted by something. Remember the A and the email, merge the two together so you work to get more As and feel good when you do because you know T enjoys your success too. Getting T into your day-to-day life will keep her more "real" all the time. Ask her her favorite fruit. When you go to the grocery store, forever more you'll associate that fruit with T and enjoy it.

((((( Zoo ))))) I have been thinking about your post and I just answered one that I think may be similar to what could be going on with you. Maybe not... but something to consider?

I think that transference can happen at a very subconscious level.
When we are given support from our Ts - support we did not get as children - it can really make the past stand out. For the first time ever we are feeling the love and support while we are there in session with T. And that support can showcase what was missing from our relationships in the past.

When we are not in session, even though we still have connections with T, the stark contrast and knowing what we missed out on can really dampen our spirits. I think this may be a fallout of doing therapy. It is good in many ways because we can work through the pain of the past, but having to daily feel the holes the past left in us, well that can stink.

You said that when you are not in session, you do not feel your T there.
Does that feel familiar to you when you remember what your childhood felt like?

Just wanted to put this out there for you to maybe give you something to work through. BIG safe hugs to you!!!

"It's needing "object constancy" -- Quote:
Lack of Object Constancy: When a person is lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This ability is known as object constancy. Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don’t exist on an emotional level."

Yes, that's the one. It goes back to early childhood experiences of separation and learning how to deal with it. For a young baby when the mother is gone, she vanishes altogether and ceases to exist -- they don't yet have a concept of understanding that the mother will come back

At this stage it could help if you ask for a transitional object (phone message, picture, an object T can give you) to hold on to.

absolutely, wepow. I am aware of the theory of object permanence/constancy, and definitely see that as part of my issue. I am also aware of the transference going on...that I've gotten support and validation and love? from my T that I didn't get from my mother or anyone else as a child.

When I'm feeling so lost and alone w/o T I often wonder if this is how young children feel when their mother is gone. Those with mothers that offer them that unconditional support, that is.

So, yeah, you guys are right and I'm aware of all that going on. At the same time, it doesn't help to know that and I don't see it getting better over time as I look back. Maybe it has gotten better, I don't know, it's a hard thing to assess in oneself.

On the subject of object constancy, I do see some of that in me, and have transitional objects, and that does help. But my thought process is more like...yes, T said ____. I can look at her picture or hold one of the objects or read her emails/letters/texts. But...is it still true NOW? She may have said to me, as she did just last week and not for the first time, that she won't abandon me. I can remember that and know it was true when she said it. But the insecurity comes in...does she STILL mean it? Has something changed? Is it still true??

And no, T and I don't talk much about this. I've said it here before, T doesn't seem to like to talk about our relationship a lot. I don't know if that is just her style, her personality, or a method of handling transference that she has developed over her 20+ years as a T. I don't know if she does it with other clients or just me. But we rarely talk about our relationship, and she has never used the word transference in my hearing.

This is just another way in which this board has become invaluable. Without you people I would be lost at sea, thinking I was alone and the only person ever to have these thoughts and feelings about their T.

Thank you

You'd have to bring it up with her. She probably won't initiate a conversation about this unless you steer it in that direction. She might not even realise that this is a problem for you.

I agree with Ocean on this. I know it would be SO hard (but also healing), zoo, but do you think you could bring it up with T? I bet she has an idea about this but won't mention it until you've brought it up -- it's a way of showing her you're ready to deal with this kind of stuff.

I dunno, Jexa. I mean, I agree, but maybe I'm not ready to deal with it. The idea of bringing it up with T makes my stomach hurt. I have no idea how to do that and would be so shy and embarrassed and awkward. Yuck.

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))

I have similar feelings lately with my T. Sometimes it is hard for me to know that my T is there between sessions. I've never had this feeling before w/ any of my Ts. I find it scary that I feel this dependent. But I think it is part of the process for a lot of people. So I try not to judge myself. Don't judge yourself.

(((googley))))
it IS scary. It makes me want to quit therapy, right now, right this second. It's too close and too deep and too painful to think of losing someone who means so much to me.

ugh. Overwhelmed. Just going to try to put it away and concentrate on something else.

I will say this though. I'm tired of therapy hurting so much. I'm tired of thinking about and missing T. I'm tired of looking forward to T and dreading it at the same time. I'm tired of walking out of there with my heart ripped open. There has to be a better way.

((((zoo)))) it's SO not time yet for therapy to end. Maybe bringing this stuff into the open is the better way? A way for it to hurt less, because you've SAID the stuff that's underneath all the fear and UGH?

I usually feel better about therapy, less obsessed, less ripped apart, when I just tell T exactly what's coming up for me in the moment. T actually was the one who noticed this.. haha I hadn't even noticed it until T said she noticed this was a pattern for me. Then I realized she was right! Being honest and dealing with the in-the-moment yuck actually makes the yuck go away quicker. Weird.

Funny how therapy works like that.

I wrote this email to T just now (but didn't send it. Didn't even address it because I'm paranoid I'll accidentally click send, lol). But in it I said, I want to quit, basically.

Maybe, if I'm in the email writing mood, now would be a time for to send her an email about this stuff I've talked about in this thread? Maybe I just need to tell her that stuff. Maybe I'll feel better knowing she knows and being able to tell her from the safety and relative distance of email.

Maybe I need to say, this is what's on my mind. This is what I can't say when I'm sitting in your office. This is what I need to talk about and don't know how.

Crap. It's scary.

Ooooooh I dare you, zoo! Those are the best, most liberating emails to send. It's scary but then it feels good to have it off your chest.

I double dog dare you!

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))

I agree w/ jexa that it feels better to get this stuff out. (Not that I'm good at that.) It all running around makes it feel bigger. I know I feel relieved after talking about stuff that is bothering me. (Also doesn't get me to talk about it right away.)

I hope you will bring this up with your T in whatever way you feel comfortable.

heh, that made me laugh! thanks Jexa

I went to my email and found a message from another T in my Ts office. I didn't go to group today and the email was about that. I saw she also cc'd my T. I guess I should be glad she didn't bcc it, so at least I know.

Anyway, that kind of threw me for a loop and knocked me off the triggery spiral path I was on. I have to figure out whether or how to reply to this other T, and then I will figure out what to say to my own T.

I may just print something out and bring it to session and give it to her with my diary card. I'm kind of afraid to send an email because:

1) I will be stuck waiting, possibly all weekend, for a reply.

2) I got an email from T earlier this week and the tone was (I thought) rather cool and detached. And I realize that is the downfall of written communication. It just makes me think maybe I shouldn't email her. I am honestly afraid that her reply would be triggering or that I'm in such a triggery place that I'll be able to spiral out about it no matter what it says.

eta: this is the email I didn't send tonight. Won't send it, but just thought I'd share it here anyway:

Zoo,
I can completely relate to you. Infact this was a little of the conversation I had with my T just yesterday. I also have the hardest time about abandonment and used exactly that word permanence in my last session. That I needed permanence/longevity. I needed to go at my own pace because I feel like the relationship between us is more healing than any words of wisdom, skills, etc that he has given me. He has always said that he doesn't have a time table, that we are here doing therapy until we are not here anymore and he doesn't know when that will be. He always says this, (I think he has used that line before). Let me tell you that so does not work for me. I have gotten him to say that I may be one of those people who benefit from therapy support for my whole life and he doesn't know when I am going to die. I like that one better.

I just want to let you know you are not alone on this. I am pretty certain it has to do with a lot of childhood abuse. (at least I know it is for me) I feel like a little kid in an adult body when it comes to these feelings of abandonment, the fear of trusting, the need for control. I tell my therapist over and over how afraid I am of him leaving, how lonely I feel when he is gone. And he is patient and kind and understanding about it. He reassures me everytime. I am glad that I have told him about all of this stuff. And I am more glad that I keep telling him because it doesn't just magically go away when you say it. I also don't know if it is getting worse or not but I do know that talking about it to him helps me. Can you send your email? I loved the first part about you will probably change your mind but this is how you feel right now. (such good stuff zoo.) I think you captured your abivilance about your therapy experience perfectly. I think that your fears are normal given the circumstances and your relationship with T. If you can stomach the telling part it is my hope that your T will find a way to comfort you and help reassure you. -just as mine does nearly every week. take care.

kacey, thank you so much for your post. Thanks for encouraging me to send the email. I might do that. I'm going to sleep on it. I'm afraid of that feeling when I've sent an email and then regret it and can't take it back.

thanks for sharing your experience. It does help to know I'm not alone. It definitely goes back to childhood abuse and abandonment with me, too. I wish I thought it was something I could ever fully recover from. It's deeper than the trauma, deeper than anything.

OMGosh Zoo,
What you just said is more true for me (as well) than anything that could be said about it. So deep-can't see ever recovering from-deeper than abuse-deeper than anything. I never thought anyone else would ever EVER get it.

Zoo, I understand everything you are saying in this thread and the email. Sorry I didn't read it until now. Even though I haven't been abused, I have the same feelings about therapy. It HURTS so much to have this relationship and know that it's going to end, that it's not permanent, like you say. I agree with you. The t-relationship is like agony and ecstasy and I am struggling with that now too.

I think your email is so honest and I wish you could send it or give it to your T. You've been with her 2 years and don't discuss your relationship. I think she'll be open to discussing it if you need to. Any T should be willing to discuss the relationship no matter what orientation they use, in my opinion. It's important to you and causing you to want to quit therapy, so it's important to discuss in therapy.

Kacey, I too feel like it's the relationship that is healing, and I need that not to end. I'm so afraid my T will die before I have enough of her. Yet, I am able to actually visualize my needy child self climbing into her lap and her hugging me. I never could soothe myself like that before. But that's something new for me and I don't trust it yet.

Zoo, I wish you luck in your next session or in sending the email. I know how hard it it!