Relationship breakdown- help please

***Trigger- sui***

My T and I are still struggling on but I don't feel I can continue any further. Things are just getting worse and worse. I fell back into suicide ideation and behaviour on Friday and Saturday. On Saturday night (she doesn't do phone contact on Sundays), across several text messages, she (spontaneously) wrote 'I promise it will be ok on Monday, I will stay close to you and it will be ok... I will make sure everything is ok on Monday... we can agree set times and text each other... I will be with you on Monday I promise.'

I honestly believed her. I clung to the promise all of Sunday. It is now the end of Monday here. None of that happened. When I pointed this out to her, she said she was trying her best. I said it was hard to understand why her 'best' is so different from before, and that maybe I needed to adjust my expectations. She said "I don't think that you being critical helps with me becoming more in tune. My best depends on how busy my day is and loads of other factors". I didn't feel I was criticising but trying to point something out. I understand if she had a busy day but I don't understand why she made those promises if she didn't feel confident she could follow them through. I feel like she is saying that I am responsible for how she is being with me. I feel like she is saying that for her to be attuned, I have to shut up and gratefully accept any crumbs she throws me. I feel like she doesn't want to reflect or change. Basically, I feel like she just can't be bothered with me anymore. I can see that we are trapped in constant arguing, but I do not know how to move us forward. I am relearning the lessons of my childhood we had been working so hard to undo- I will not get what I need, and it will be my fault. There is no point in asking. My feelings are ridiculous and make no sense. Learn not to hope, not to believe.

I am in terrible terrible pain. I am grieving my partner (who moved to Australia, and with whom my relationship is so difficult) and the life I thought we'd have. I am grieving the relationship I had with T. I am trying to manage all the other triggers. My life consists of dragging myself out of bed, standing back against the wall so I don't jump under a train in the underground, going to work/uni, coming home and weeping and writhing in bed in pain. Some nights, I drink to try to ease the pain. On bad nights, I head to the tram tracks by my house. Every day, the contact with my T exacerbates the pain one hundred fold. I do not feel I can stay in relationship with her because the pain will kill me. But I know if I leave, I will die anyway. There is noone else who can help me and I am not well enough to help myself. Please can anyone help me?

Improving, I am so sorry that you are in this kind of pain. You are grieving for some very real losses and my heart hurts for you..... I know it feels so hard to believe there will be anything but pain right now, but please keep holding on, one moment longer, one more moment......and if it is too hard to continue to be safe, do you think going to the hospital is an option?
Is there any way you could share with your T the things you have shared about how you feel she has changed, what it feels like she is expecting of you, and the deep grief and pain this is causing you? Maybe her eyes would be opened.....and some repair could begin in your relationship.
I'm just deeply sorry for your pain. I will be here with you in heart and spirit.

Thank you so much poetgirl. No, hospital does not feel like an option. The hospital I had been using costs £700/night, and my insurance discontinued my psychiatric cover a year ago. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist (who works at that hospital and who I've always had as a backup plan) announced this weekend that she doesn't feel she can provide back up support anymore)- I haven't seen her for a year as I can no way afford the £350/hr she charges. I guess we are lucky here to have the NHS (so free psychiatric hospitals), but I am terribly terribly afraid of these as I received very damaging treatment and nearly lost my life in one as a young teenager. I realise that hospitals are all different, but from what I've heard from friends who have spent time in NHS adult psychiatric 'care', it would be more hellish than my life is now, and I wouldn't be able to get out.

I have tried, continually, to communicate how I feel/how I understand what is happening with my T. I do think she knows about the grief and pain. But she just isn't budging. I cannot think of any other way I could try to tell her.

Thank you so much for reaching out and offering to stay with me. I feel desperate.

(((( Improving ))))

My heart hurts for what you are going through....

I do hope that you can work through this with T. If you don't feel as though your relationship with T is worth saving, then perhaps focus on trying to find a new T. In the meantime, to stay safe, do you have any close friends/family that can stay with you to help you through this extremely difficult time?

Please do post here, as often as you need to. PC is a wonderful place to get support, and I have relied on PC during my most difficult times.

You are in a lot of pain and are dealing with so much.

Thank you MUE. I appreciate you writing when you have so much going on yourself.

My family do live in the same city and certainly love me but are terribly inconsistent and tend to make things far worse in a crisis (it's all about them, their reaction etc). We all try our best but sadly they are part of the problem rather than the solution- it's taken a long time for me to admit that. My partner is often on skype but she is settling into her 'new' life and isn't very receptive to things like this. For a long time when things were very bad she was my sole carer, and she has gone to Australia to get away from all this, and I respect that. Many of my friends aren't aware of my difficulties. Of those who are, one lives close by and has always always been 100% reliable in a crisis. Unfortunately, on Friday she said something which was the biggest trigger ever for me (she didn't know the implications). I ended up going to hers on Saturday night anyway, because I was being threatened with hospitalization which I couldn't afford, but it felt like compromising my self-respect and things are very awkward. I don't think I will ever try with a new T.

I will try to keep posting here- thanks for the advice.

Improving, I can understand why you'd feel that way about the hospital; you have good reason! I have no desire to go to one either....I've seen my father in one and that was enough.
May I suggest that, to stay safe, you stay away from places like the tram tracks.....stay in a safer place than that, or a find a place to go that would perhaps be more gentle or soothing. Come here, and stay with us!
Maybe it's time to ask your T if she feels your relationship is worth saving and if she thinks there could be healing, and if not at least she could help you search for another? Or help you have closure? Grief needs a sense of closure, or acceptance, I think.....you can't stay in this limbo.
I will be with you.....

((( Improving )))

I know it's hard to rely on others for the kind of support you need. I can relate to that so much. One of my biggest issues is not having enough of a support system in place, and it's hard to figure out how to find that support system - and trust it.

Although I understand your reluctance to seek hospitalization or work towards finding another T...but your current situation seems unbearable, so I am hopeful that you will consider other options to get some relief.

Hi Improving, I am so so sorry you are going through this right now. It really sounds like you feel VERY unsupported.That is NOT your fault, I just want to stress that, I don't know if you are drawing conclusions about how much support you deserve... or how much help you get to ask for before people throw in the towel...but I hope not!

When I went through something similar with my last t, I felt so needy and like my wishes were out of proportion.... but they were not. I am confused why your t made that statement. I hope you don't mind me saying this but it came off to me like she is holding it over your head that you have to be grateful to her. There is having a relationship, it's true, but ultimately you are paying her to be consistent.... You should not have to provide a pay off or evoke warm and fuzzy feelings to get help. In my opinion, the only precondition for getting help should be... needing help!

Please very very good care of yourself Improving!!!! No more train tracks !!!!!

(((((((Improving)))))))

You have a lot of internal pain and grief that just need to come out.
It feels like you keep stuffing it further inside of yourself - maybe out of fear that the pain will kill you? But stuffing the pain inside and trying so hard to make it each day - forcing yourself to go about the daily business of life - that is the true killer.

Bottom line is that you CAN'T continue along this line. Period.
Something has got to change... right now.

I do understand being that close to SUI. I get it - big time. Ugg.
I also know that with you posting on PC, there is a big part of you that will do anyting it can do to live. You are not giving up without a fight. And that fight=life.

But you need to address the root of your pain or it will overtake you and then it may be too late. That would make many of us here on PC very sad. And I sense there are others in your life who would also be sad. So let's address that pain ASAP.

First, you have a RIGHT to hurt because of the loss of your partner. It is not helping the situation that you are being kept on a string in that area. It would be healthier for you to cut the string and allow the loss to just be what it is. That is sometimes very hard to do though. Just saying that it looks like you are drawing out the agony by the entire situation. Rip that bandaid off and deal with the poison. You need the space and the chance to grieve this loss fully. Only when you are not being tortured by this whole deal will you be able to see what you have lost (without a false hope that things will one day return to the way you want them), well when that hits home for you, it is not going to feel good at all. But that reality and the clear truth of this situation will allow you to grieve fully. Only after you grieve this loss will you be able to not be in pain.

Next, you need an action plan. You know you want to live :-) ((Hope that makes you smile )) You WANT to feel those good things life has to offer! You WANT to be able to move forward and have a healthy life and healthy relationships.

Bottom line is that all of those things CAN be yours. THAT is the real truth.

But in order to get to where you really want to be, you need a way to get there.
Think about the things you need in order to make your life what you really want it to be. List those things and then think about what steps you need to take to get those things into your life.

Finally, I applaud your very hard work through all of this. I know how deeply you are hurting. I know how dark the night can be. And I know for a fact what it is to not believe that you can have any of what I said - because last year at this time ((with my failed - by a miracle- SUI attempt)) I also did not believe any of this could ever be mine.

The truth is that when a person hurts as deeply as you hurt right now, you just can't see the light. That doesn't mean the light isn't there though. Honest.

Keep reaching out to those here on PC who DO care about you. We may not be able to wrap our arms around you in the flesh or hold you when you cry or be who you need right now, but we are very real humans who have big hearts and who do care very deeply for you. Okies?

Thank you so very much everyone. I'm so glad I found PC

Had a pretty devastating conversation with my T this evening. We tried to process some of what's happened between us in the last few days and how we've got so stuck. It feels way too complicated to even explain to myself right now. Really hideously awful conversation- I don't have any idea who she is or what she's doing.

Such pain.

Took a handful of melatonin as have no access to meds. Hoping for a long sleep.

((((( Improving)))))) Rest up and give yourself some room. You can make it.

I hope you get the rest you need. You can make it through this.

(((Improving)))

(((((Improving)))) sorry you are going through so much pain. I hope today goes better. I was really concerned to read that you took a handful of pills after talking to your t. It does not sound like that conversation was very comforting at all.

Can I just make a suggestion- it sounds like this relationship is stalled right now and that you are in urgent need of help all the same. So would it be possible for you to book an appointment with another therapist? I'm not suggesting ending things with this one but simply taking a break. Sometimes people just need a break and it does sound like your reserves are very very taxed right now. I agree with Wepow and what she tried to lay out here-- you need a fresh game plan. Please try to find someone to talk to about your partner, the train tracks, and whatever else you may be dealing with right now. There will be time to re-evaluate with a fresh mind if there are aspects of this relationship worth saving or not. But please right now focus on you-- it sounds like you have a lot of friends who may not know you are feeling this way, but would be very saddened if they knew the depths of your distress. Please focus on finding a short term solution. I have a feeling you can get through this but you might need a little extra help at the moment.

(((Improving))) I think you have got some great advice here. I am in the UK too and I know how expensive private therapist/pdocs are, and how disappointing the NHS is regarding mental health. I have been hospitalised several times and none have been a good experience so I understand your reluctance to go into hospital. I have found that talking with the Samaritans has been helpful in times when I can't get to T or when I need help but have no-one else to talk to (08457 90 90 90). You are obviously having a bad experience with your T but I would really encourage you not to give up on all Ts. There are some great ones out there who CAN help you and give you the support you need. I'm sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I hope you can get some support and help soon

improving--how are you doing? I can't give any better advice than you've gotten, but wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and I hope you can get the help you need to feel better soon!

Hey Improving...
Just offering a bit more support. Wish I could sit with you in person. You are in crisis, you need someone who will help, right there in real life. Samaritans are great, I want to encourage you, you can tell them anything and they won't send anyone to drag you to the hospital. Do they have day treatment in the UK? Like a partial hospitalization where you go every day for a week or two, but come home at night...something just to get your feet back under you?

I wish you peace...real peace

Improving, I am thinking of you and hoping you are safe!

Thank you so so much lovely PC people . I read this thread on my phone in free moments during the day, and it felt so comforting and helpful.

Today had ok moments. My mum came over and was quite caring and supportive, which was great, and we did some nice distracting activities. And tonight I'm staying with a friend, so at least I'm not on my own. I'm trying to hold onto knowing that I can feel better when I'm distracted or engaged in other things, which is great as this hasn't always been the case when things were very bad.

Contact with T has been slightly better today, but I'm still reeling from last night's coversation. She basically told me that this is all happening because she is not meeting my needs, and she is not going to change anything to meet my needs; this is a 'developmental stage' and I should be able to tolerate it 'after all this time'. When I tried to describe how at risk I felt, she told me to 'get some sleep'...

I see her tomorrow. I had two ideas for our session. She and I have both talked a bit about trying to 'wipe away'/let go of what's happened between us recently so we can start building up a connection again. Today I bought a white board and a wipeable pen to take with me, and I thought we could both honestly write down everything we want to leave behind (for me this would be: the times recently I've felt very hurt by her acting out of character, feeling like she can't be bothered etc... for her it might be: feeling like nothing she says is right, feeling hopeless about saying something helpful etc), and rather than getting drawn into more discussion about these events/patterns, we can literally wipe it clean together and replace it with a skilful plan of ways to make our communication more effective.

The other thing I want to do tomorrow is really try to focus on DBT skills. In the past they have made all the difference between being in pain (which is just a result of my circumstances) and actually suffering, and since we stopped doing DBT I've definitely fallen hard into the 'suffering' pit. I want to get T's help with specific skills I can plan into my day to try to make things feel more bearable.

Thank you guys for all your help. Not feeling so alone makes all the difference.

Glad that you had some distracting activities to do today and that it helped you to know that you can indeed feel better when you're busy with other things. And I'm happy that you have support.
I think your ideas for your session tomorrow are both good. Especially with the white board, I think it might be emotionally good for your T, too, as well as you. I hope it can be like a fresh, clean, clear start for both of you!
Will keep thinking of you!